Struggling Sexual

[nanogretchen4]

I don't think it's that simple, though, because I can't think of any illness or physical condition that eliminates all ability for any form of sex while leaving libido intact. For example, it's often said that when people are going through cancer treatment sex is the first thing to go and the last to return. Reproduction uses a lot of energy and resources, especially for females. If a female is sick or underfed or still nursing the last baby, the lizard brain is likely to say, "Deal with this first, have babies later." Sick people usually don't actually desire sex for the duration of their illness, or else they would find some way to have it.

[banana monkey]

please enlighten me how, i just dont understand how a sexual can be happy with being desired but not having that shown. I cant understand why not having desire shown, doesnt feel that same as not having it there in the first place.

Because if an illness or some other condition prevents the partner from having sex, the other partner knows its not because the ill partner doesn't desire them, but is simply prevented from carrying out that desire. The sexual doesn't feel rejected by their partner.

rejected? - from what? There is no rejection as the desire was never their in the first place, for something to be rejected it has to be there before. Though I suppose, that does not stop the feelings of rejection, even if it is not real. I think what I was saying is that I didnt understand why if feelings of rejection are likely, why not being shown desire (even if it is there) would not cause feelings of rejection. If you mean that feelings of rejection is like feeling unloved, then I as a greyromantic would probably feel unloved by a partner if they did not show me sensual affection.

[think]

Before, It felt mostly like a huge frustration that comes and goes. It was both a physical need (sometime) and psychological need (All of the time). It is a frustration that I could compare to that one feels when you're a kid on the playground and you see everyone is riding a bicycle and you don't because you have been grounded. You know there is one you could have, but your parents are keeping it away from you to teach you a lesson. At the same time, you can see all the other kids riding their bicycle as if it is the most normal thing ever.

[think]

Imperfect, I can relate, though the roles are reversed in my situation (struggling with my husband's asexuality). i think your bike analogy is a good one. I also am feeling cold and distant as I re-analyze the past and realize it's never going to get better (for the past 8 years, I just kept believing things would improve). One thing I haven't yet seen mentioned- since the realization of my husband's asexuality has sunk in, I myself have no desire for him personally. For one thing, the thought of physical intimacy with someone who acknowledges that sex makes him tense isn't appealing. Can others relate?

[Tarfeather]

Imperfect, I can relate, though the roles are reversed in my situation (struggling with my husband's asexuality). i think your bike analogy is a good one. I also am feeling cold and distant as I re-analyze the past and realize it's never going to get better (for the past 8 years, I just kept believing things would improve). One thing I haven't yet seen mentioned- since the realization of my husband's asexuality has sunk in, I myself have no desire for him personally. For one thing, the thought of physical intimacy with someone who acknowledges that sex makes him tense isn't appealing. Can others relate?

Somewhat. On the other hand, I'm currently learning that the idea of my partner doing it for my sake, as an expression of how much they care about me, and without pressure or guilt being a factor, is appealing. I don't know if the actual act would be something enjoyable for either of us, though.

[Quinoa]

If you are seeking empathy, keep in mind that asexuals often don't understand how important sex in relationships is to most people, so that might be something you will have to help her understand. As Telecaster pointed out, sex isn't part of intimacy for asexuals. I think open communication will be important if you want to try and make this relationship work. Before, you and she were trying to figure out how to get her to want sex. Now that you know she might not ever want it, if she knows how important it is to you, she might be willing to compromise even if she doesn't herself want it.

Also, as someone pointed out, this doesn't have to work out. If this relationship doesn't work out for this reason, that's okay. You're not a bad person because of it, and neither is she.

[Sally]

If you are seeking empathy, keep in mind that asexuals often don't understand how important sex in relationships is to most people, so that might be something you will have to help her understand.

I think that any asexual who has had a relationship with a sexual does understand that, because the sexual makes it plain.

[Quinoa]

If you are seeking empathy, keep in mind that asexuals often don't understand how important sex in relationships is to most people, so that might be something you will have to help her understand.

I think that any asexual who has had a relationship with a sexual does understand that, because the sexual makes it plain.

Maybe, but we're talking about someone who just realized she was asexual, so I was thinking she might not be at that point yet. I'm talking about not just that most people like sex but more what was discussed in this thread.

That said, I don't actually have any experience with this, since I'm aro and have never been in a relationship.

[Sally]

If you are seeking empathy, keep in mind that asexuals often don't understand how important sex in relationships is to most people, so that might be something you will have to help her understand.

I think that any asexual who has had a relationship with a sexual does understand that, because the sexual makes it plain.

Maybe, but we're talking about someone who just realized she was asexual, so I was thinking she might not be at that point yet. I'm talking about not just that most people like sex but more what was discussed in this thread.

That said, I don't actually have any experience with this, since I'm aro and have never been in a relationship.

I'll enlarge what I said above: any asexual who notices how prevalent sex is in the media and listens to friends and family members talk about their relationships would know that sex is important in relationships.

What I've seen on AVEN is people asking "WHY does it have to be so important?" rather than "IS it important?". The "why" question is kind of like a complaint rather than asking for information.

[OutsideObserver]

What I've seen on AVEN is people asking "WHY does it have to be so important?" rather than "IS it important?". The "why" question is kind of like a complaint rather than asking for information.

Thank You.

That and "I know sex is important, but can't sexuals just will themselves to not need/want it for the sake of all us asexuals who want relationships?"

[Quinoa]

What I've seen on AVEN is people asking "WHY does it have to be so important?" rather than "IS it important?". The "why" question is kind of like a complaint rather than asking for information.

Thank You.

That and "I know sex is important, but can't sexuals just will themselves to not need/want it for the sake of all us asexuals who want relationships?"

I do understand the need for being respectful, and I have seen some posts that are very disrespectful, especially on this forum. However, the thread I linked didn't seem disrespectful to me. It just seemed to be honestly trying to understand. That thread was very helpful to me, and I honestly didn't know most of it until I read what the people on the thread said. Sometimes I ask sexual people something like "why is..." or "what's the deal with..." when I'm trying to understand something I have heard is important before but I don't understand why. Is that disrespectful? Should I first ask if it's actually important even if I'm 99% sure it is? I'm very curious about this, because I really do want to understand the world 99% of the population experiences, so I want to be able to ask people about it respectfully.

[OutsideObserver]

I do understand the need for being respectful, and I have seen some posts that are very disrespectful, especially on this forum. However, the thread I linked didn't seem disrespectful to me. It just seemed to be honestly trying to understand. That thread was very helpful to me, and I honestly didn't know most of it until I read what the people on the thread said. Sometimes I ask sexual people something like "why is..." or "what's the deal with..." when I'm trying to understand something I have heard is important before but I don't understand why. Is that disrespectful? Should I first ask if it's actually important even if I'm 99% sure it is? I'm very curious about this, because I really do want to understand the world 99% of the population experiences, so I want to be able to ask people about it respectfully.

Asking questions is totally respectful. I am on this site doing the exact same thing you are, I want to understand asexuals and their worldview because, as much as I totally believe them when they talk about how they think and feel about sex, it's so incredibly alien to me. Not wrong, not bad, just alien.

I'd say believing other people when they tell you things that differ from your personal experience is the cornerstone to being respectful. Assuming that everyone thinks like you, or that people must be confused or delusional when they express opinions that differ from yours is the opposite of that.

My personal "favorite" piece of wrong-headedness I see floating around AVEN is this weird sentiment asexuals occasionally express where they assume the 99% of sexuals out there must be being brain-washed by sexualized media/ The Patriarchy/ some deviant minority, and that their "natural" state is much more asexual. I literally have to click away from AVEN sometimes to keep from saying things that would get me in trouble .

[Telecaster68]

I think the version of 'why do sexuals....' Sally was quoting was almost a rhetorical question... Like 'why do I have to go into work *again*?'

[Starlit Sky]

OP, this is a horrible situation and I'm sorry that you're in it in the first place. :( I don't have any advice or anything like that . . . I'd say that if the two of you were able to come up with a "solution" or compromise that would help you both then that would be ideal, but something like that isn't always possible. If divorce is what's likely then that's a shame, but I'm sure that both of you would be able to be happy after all is said and done, too.

I used to think an elitist way back when I was immature, but when I got those extra feelings, it didn't make me less intelligent in any way. My levels of concentration are the same. Before, I would occasionally day dream of adventures if I was bored, but now I still day dream of those while including some flirting with my boyfriend.

Johnistss, it's like if I said that based on my small sample, I think a certain race is less intelligent than another. And that I don't care if you all disagree... That's still racism and could get me banned from a forum. Just saying...think before you speak (or write) because this only shows a lack of thoughtfulness or deduction.

I explained what i meant over and over but ok, one more time.
With an analogy a monk has more chance to have peace of mind than someone who lives in a big city with 4 kids.
He has more opportunities to do that, he has no more value than the others.
In the same way sex seems to be a huge distraction for a lot of people. If you are asexual you are free from that.
I can't say it more clear than this.

Nah, sex isn't nearly as much of a distraction as it seems. It's important, but not that much of a distraction. Maybe especially with the American media. . . ? I've seen German asexuals say that they thought asexuals from America were exaggerating when we say it feels like society is "obsessed" with sex. (I don't know if you're actually from America or not, but many AVEN members are, so you know).

[Almost]

Imperfect...I chose "Almost" as my name because my relationship is almost perfect. I am a sensual, sexual woman who has been monogamously committed to my affectionate asexual partner for almost 23 years. My partner, now wife, is also a woman. We got married in 2008 when it became legal in CA. We had been together for 14 years already at that point. She is the birth mom of our 2 young teenage sons. We have built a great life together and a stable and loving home for our boys. We are affectionate but do not have a sexual relationship. I've been able to sustain my personal sexual needs but the sad reality is that my wife does not desire me...that will never change. We had a robust sexual connection at the very beginning of our relationship. She was a young medical student at the time which was followed by residency and fellowship. She had our boys 14.5 mos apart and then immediately started her practice within a month of completing her fellowship. Our life has been completely busy and the years have ticked away. There is a part of me that used to fool myself by believing that the robust connection we had in the beginning of our relationship would return once our lives settled down. Perhaps when our boys wet off to college there would be time to reignite that part of our relationship. Unfortunately, that is wishful thinking. Yet, I know she loves and is present for me in every other way. She is just completely blind to desire and has no idea of the impact of that loss is for me on a daily basis. On my list of priorities, I guess being desired is pretty low. I'm almost 51 years old. I'm in the best physical shape of my life. There is so much more to life than sex. I have fantasized about affairs and being desired...but I could never be unfaithful because there is so much more to our lives together. I just wanted to reach out to you because I feel your pain and have lived it a long time.

[MrDane]

If you are seeking empathy, keep in mind that asexuals often don't understand how important sex in relationships is to most people, so that might be something you will have to help her understand.

I think that any asexual who has had a relationship with a sexual does understand that, because the sexual makes it plain.

I think, there are many levels of understanding! The ace, knows that sex is important to the sexual! ...but they dont feel it! And it will always be a comparison to something else, like: i crave my morning coffee, like you crave sex! But not-getting-morning-coffee might make you grumpy, irritated, give you a headache, make your head revolve around it, but it will not leave you with a feeling of emptiness or loneliness or edge you nearer a depression!

[Sally]

I think, there are many levels of understanding! The ace, knows that sex is important to the sexual! ...but they dont feel it! And it will always be a comparison to something else, like: i crave my morning coffee, like you crave sex!

I as an asexual knew that sex was important to both my sexuals, but I didn't make any comparisons. I really don't think that's always the case.

[Jiggyheads]

.

[Starlit Sky]

If you are seeking empathy, keep in mind that asexuals often don't understand how important sex in relationships is to most people, so that might be something you will have to help her understand.

I think that any asexual who has had a relationship with a sexual does understand that, because the sexual makes it plain.

I think, there are many levels of understanding! The ace, knows that sex is important to the sexual! ...but they dont feel it! And it will always be a comparison to something else, like: i crave my morning coffee, like you crave sex! But not-getting-morning-coffee might make you grumpy, irritated, give you a headache, make your head revolve around it, but it will not leave you with a feeling of emptiness or loneliness or edge you nearer a depression!

Maybe I'm blind, but for a time it was Telecaster who was the main one using analogies such as that--and he's definitely sexual. If someone told me he's the almighty king of comparisons between sex, food, and so on (mostly, if not always, in an attempt to help asexuals better understand sex in general), I wouldn't be surprised. Hell, if someone told me he's the entire reason why using analogies such as that is so "trendy" on AVEN, I wouldn't be surprised. :lol:

Anyway . . . asexuals know that not getting coffee is not the same thing as not getting sex (or at least the ones who don't understand that are a very small percentage). We use those things in an attempt to better understand each other. We know that they're not the best of analogies, but I'm afraid as there's no equivalent, we all just have to settle with it. ;) Until, of course, someone comes up with an adequate equivalent that would suit most asexuals. Regardless, though, I don't know how much you can blame the asexuals for how common analogies are used. I remember when it wasn't quite like that xD They just took off.

[MrDane]

Ok, I get your point! ...I was just trying to make a statement about, how difficult it is for me (a sexual) to fully understand how an asexual works, since they dont have that part which makes me tick a lot!!! If I meet someone from another culture, then it is also difficult to fully understand them, since they might be different! Stiff upperlip vs italian temperament?

...and I do think, that using metaphors and analogies are good for the communication!

[Sally]

There is no need to expect yourself or others to fully understand what it's like to be someone else. What's necessary is to simply respect that there is a difference.

[Telecaster68]

There is no need to expect yourself or others to fully understand what it's like to be someone else. What's necessary is to simply respect that there is a difference.

It's easier to respect a difference you at least partly understand, or at least get a glimmer of. I know that's applied to me when it comes to asexuality.

Maybe I'm blind, but for a time it was Telecaster who was the main one using analogies such as that

I have used, it and a lot of others as I find them useful. But generally the coffee analogy gets wheeled out in terms of attraction, desire and libido, mostly to underline that just as you can enjoy the smell of coffee without having to have a cup, you can be attracted to someone without wanting to nail them then and there. That's a bit different to MrDane's application. That's the problem with analogies - you use them to illustrate one point and someone tries to use them for another point and says 'no doesn't work'. Well no, because that wasn't what you were illustrating.

[Sally]

There is no need to expect yourself or others to fully understand what it's like to be someone else. What's necessary is to simply respect that there is a difference.

It's easier to respect a difference you at least partly understand, or at least get a glimmer of. I know that's applied to me when it comes to asexuality.

It may be easier, but whether it's easy or not, respect is due. You can do that by simply believing what someone tells you about themselves.

[Telecaster68]

You can do that by simply believing what someone tells you about themselves.

I agree, and it's easier to believe them if you can get some kind of grasp of the whys and wherefores. I think this applies especially to sexuality. When 99% of people, and pretty much every cultural representation says 'everyone wants sex, and if your partner's not interested, it's a symptom of a relationship problem', understanding how it could be otherwise is the first step to believing them when they say 'it's not you, it's sex'. Sexual partners say stuff like that too, when they don't want to talk about the underlying problem, and that's far more likely to be the case, since sexual partners are far more common than asexual partners.