Can an asexual learn to like sex?

[TheWife]

My feeling is no. Following my other post about feeling guilty for making my husband have sex is this situation.

From what he said he is an asexual who can have some limited enjoyment in the feeling of sex but doesn't want to do it again and doesn't feel sexual attraction of any kind towards anyone.

He is proposing that before we separate amicably that I "teach" him about sex, foreplay, intimacy and see if he can learn to enjoy it.

I feel like he's just torturing himself trying to be something he's not and prolonging the agony of separating because he doesn't want to lose me.

We love each other very, very much but a close friendship and coparenting relationship sounds like our best option.

All advice and opinions welcome, I'd like to spare him the heartache if this can't be done.

[Telecaster68]

He might be able to get some enjoyment on a sensual and emotional basis I guess, but it's really unlikely he'll develop any desire. It depends if you can live with the difference, and he can sustain it.

[nanogretchen4]

I think it's important to make a distinction between decisions made for his sake and decisions made for your own sake. From an ethical standpoint I don't think it would be in any way wrong or nonconsensual if you did as he is asking. He is a mentally competent adult able to make his own sexual decisions and live with the consequences thereof. My prediction of what will probably happen is that the experiment won't work as he hopes, but neither is he likely to be traumatized given that he's willing and not repulsed. It is possible that if he does not try the experiment he will always have a nagging belief that it could have worked, in which case it could at least result in some useful self knowledge. That's what I think from the perspective of his interests.

From the point of view of your interests, you may find the experiment awkward, squicky, and emotionally painful. You are certainly under no obligation to do it. I do believe the request is a stalling tactic on his part. It's pretty clear that you have reached the conclusion that divorce is best at least twice, and have agreed to delay by his request at least twice. After Christmas or whenever you have agreed to you will have to work yourself up to initiating the separation a third time, and I'm sure he will try to stall you a third time. He has the right to prolong his own agony if that's just what he needs to do, but he doesn't have the right to prolong yours.

TL;DR

Doing as your husband asks would be unwise but not unethical.

[Guest]

Mmm. He might be able to learn how to enjoy it if he learns something he likes, but if he is asexual, it still might not be fulfilling for you cause it's not going to be the same.

Personally, I tried for 14 years to figure out a way to like sex. And failed. I tried everything anyone suggested, even stuff I kinda wish I had never done. But, I didn't know asexuality existed at that point, I was still going under the assumption I just needed to find what I liked to want it like everyone else. And all that did was make me certain I never want sex again.

Ultimately, it is your decision. If you want to try, then I think it's OK to allow it since he's suggesting it.

[Sally]

Mmm. He might be able to learn how to enjoy it if he learns something he likes, but if he is asexual, it still might not be fulfilling for you cause it's not going to be the same.

Personally, I tried for 14 years to figure out a way to like sex. And failed. I tried everything anyone suggested, even stuff I kinda wish I had never done. But, I didn't know asexuality existed at that point, I was still going under the assumption I just needed to find what I liked to want it like everyone else. And all that did was make me certain I never want sex again.

Ultimately, it is your decision. If you want to try, then I think it's OK to allow it since he's suggesting it.

I tried for decades. All that trying just finally made me almost literally sick and tired of it.

[TheWife]

I hate the thought that he's putting himself through this if there's a chance he could end up feeling bad about it. I hate this situation so much, I wish I could learn to live without intimacy and that connection, but I guess that's as doomed as my husband learning to like sex when it's just not a part of him. Being incompatible in this way is so frustrating.

[MrDane]

Some migth be comfortable with "giving/getting a massage, with a happy ending", but the craving and lust and need and mindblowing togetherness on a cosmic level, could be hard! But a nice 'massage' from someone, who loves you, is also nice!

[Blondbeard]

My feeling is no. Following my other post about feeling guilty for making my husband have sex is this situation.

From what he said he is an asexual who can have some limited enjoyment in the feeling of sex but doesn't want to do it again and doesn't feel sexual attraction of any kind towards anyone.

He is proposing that before we separate amicably that I "teach" him about sex, foreplay, intimacy and see if he can learn to enjoy it.

I feel like he's just torturing himself trying to be something he's not and prolonging the agony of separating because he doesn't want to lose me.

We love each other very, very much but a close friendship and coparenting relationship sounds like our best option.

All advice and opinions welcome, I'd like to spare him the heartache if this can't be done.

I'm very sorry of your situation, but you did the hardest part already, you noticed that you were incompatible and you were on the verge of divorcing in amicable terms. That was a beautiful and loving way to end a certain relationship and start a bew one with him about coparenting.

What he is asking you now is not about teaching him to enjoy sex, that sounds not very realistic, what he is asking is for procrestination because he is afraid of losing his confort zone, but do you really think that you will be able to teach him to love sex or that you both will be frustrated, he will hate it and years later you will end up hating him?

I think you both deserve to be happy and have all the tools to be good parents even if you both start new relationships.

[Philip027]

Sure, they could. Some might already do. Asexuality isn't about liking/hating sex.

However, there will be some that simply won't like it no matter what you do. We're all different, just like sexuals.

[Nidwin]

It's a dead end and there's no point if he's as asexual as me.

It's about wanting, desire for partnered sex and if it isn't there no lessons in sex will resolve the main issue.

[TheWife]

So far he's trying really hard but I can't enjoy it knowing he's not. He keeps saying all the right things but I can't get passed it.

[Nidwin]

So far he's trying really hard but I can't enjoy it knowing he's not. He keeps saying all the right things but I can't get passed it.

I can try as hard as I can to enjoy doing the dishes but I know very well I'll never desire to do the dishes. I can keep doing the dishes the right way, the perfect way, the fastests way but I'll never, ever crave to do the dishes, not even once before my death. Sex is exactly the same as doing the dishes for me.

[Telecaster68]

So far he's trying really hard but I can't enjoy it knowing he's not. He keeps saying all the right things but I can't get passed it.

I have the same issue with my wife. Or, rather, with me.

[TheWife]

Ah, yes that makes sense. My husband is saying all the right things about beginning to like it but I can tell it's not truly the case. It's lovely to think he'll do so much to save our marriage but I don't want him to, I just want him to be happy, and me too.

[TheWife]

I have the same issue with my wife. Or, rather, with me.

It's so frustrating.

[Telecaster68]

It's because the real issue isn't the physical stuff, it's wanting to be desired, and I don't think there's any way back once you've been told you're not desired by your partner.

[TheWife]

You're so right. It's made me look at everything with fresh eyes, so much of our relationship clicks into place now but I have no idea how to move passed it, or if it can be done.

[argar]

I have no real world knowledge about what you are going through.

So what I am about to share is purely speculative, but I felt it was important to share something I read in the book "Sexual Intelligence."

In the book I learned that there is a difference between sex and intimacy.

Anyway, here is a video from the author Marty Klein:

https://youtu.be/FEe7etwGu8E

I hope it helps in some way.

I in no way am suggesting that you can fix someone who is asexual, I am just pointing out an alternative perspective on the current situation.

I have no plans on ever having sex, but I have thought about it from time to time.

[Tarfeather]

It's because the real issue isn't the physical stuff, it's wanting to be desired, and I don't think there's any way back once you've been told you're not desired by your partner.

I still don't get how you could not notice the lack of it.. Like, I didn't realize it because I simply never had experienced something like that in my life, so I couldn't tell, but now that I have, I don't think my partner not desiring me is something I could miss.

[TheWife]

In my case I noticed but thought it was because I was pregnant or breastfeeding x three children and I hoped we'd work on our sex life/intimacy/romance as our children became a bit less dependant, when our third child was nearly three I asked my husband if we could begin to work on it he told me he is asexual and the rest you know.

I fell pregnant with our first after just a few months of the relationship and he seemed OK with less frequent than I was used to amounts of sex until then. So whilst I knew there was a problem I had no idea there would never be a solution.

[Telecaster68]

It's because the real issue isn't the physical stuff, it's wanting to be desired, and I don't think there's any way back once you've been told you're not desired by your partner.

I still don't get how you could not notice the lack of it.. Like, I didn't realize it because I simply never had experienced something like that in my life, so I couldn't tell, but now that I have, I don't think my partner not desiring me is something I could miss.

No, you can't when it's as clear cut as C or my wife is now. Or if your partner is starfishing. But it's often not in the least obvious.

In the moment, desire looks different between different partners, at different times. Sometimes it's gentle, sometimes it's rough, sometimes it lighthearted, sometimes it's intense, sometimes sex is calm(ish) and reassuring, sometimes it's wild and exhilerating. Different people show desire in different ways, and getting your head round how particular partners show it can be confusing, especially as it changes. And physically, asexuals can get aroused, and some on here say they enjoy sex when they have it. And for whatever reason (NRE/conditioning/faking it) they can act like they have desire, at least at first.

It's only clear if it's an outright 'no', or obvious boredom or distress. And in a relationship, even a partner who basically desires you will have times when they're not in the mood so you have to make a judgement about 'is it me? are they stressed? are they pissed off? ill? is this temporary? is there something deeper wrong with the relationship that we need to fix and then they'll show some desire?' and that takes time to figure out. So you end up putting all that stuff together (and it's often contradictory, subjective, and ill defined) to work out what's going on, because often, it turns out with asexuals, even talking about it constitutes pressure.

Talk can help, but often asexuals don't know what's going on, or are afraid to say, or are trying to convince themselves, or just close down. You can have someone who swears blind they want to have sex with you as a general principle, gets physically aroused, enjoys sex, clearly generally feels close to you in the relationship and will have sex once in a while, but keeps giving you lots of credible reasons why they don't want it this time, for months and years.

Getting to the point where you understand there's actually no desire, ever is really difficult. And most of us had no idea there was this asexuality thing till the problem got bad enough to start googling for solutions. Mostly when when your partner doesn't want you sexually it's because there's something else wrong with the relationship or they're ill. Messages are mixed, to put it mildly.

In my wife's case, on top of all that, was that she desired the physical act of sex for the physical pleasure, but with no emotional component, and enjoyed the specific stuff we did on that level, so she too interpreted that as desiring me because physically, it was stuff we did. She didn't ever get the emotional bond from it. For me, sex did feel a bit less close than with other partners, but it wasn't terrible, and people are different. Then when the only real thing she got out of sex went (physical pleasure) she had no reason to desire sex, which meant no desire for sex with me. That's a very subtle difference from desiring me sexually - which she never did - but it turns out to have been incredibly important.

In retrospect, I can put it all together, but at the time, I had no chance.

[Guest]

Before I knew about asexuaIity I forced myseIf for years to try to "Iike" sex, and I just couIdn't. Even a doctor toId me to just keep having it and I'd eventuaIIy enjoy it. It onIy got worse and worse.

The funny thing is, it wasn't untiI I vowed I'd never have sex again even if that meant remaining singIe forever, then discovered asexuaIity, that I started to discover intimate things I do reaIIy, reaIIy Iike. It's Iike, once the pressure was off for intimacy to have to Iead to some form of partnered genitaI stimuIation, there was/is just this whoIe worId of carnaI pIeasures out there to expIore.

It's Iike, through discovering asexuaIity, I was abIe to find ways to truIy enjoy 'sex' (that's 'sex' without any actuaI sex haha. WouIdn't work for a sexuaI Iong term, but if you're both asexuaI or grey-a it works a treat!).. as opposed to trying to just fIat out force myseIf to enjoy sex and faiIing, which is what I was doing to start with :lol:

[Blondbeard]

You're so right. It's made me look at everything with fresh eyes, so much of our relationship clicks into place now but I have no idea how to move passed it, or if it can be done.

I think there is only a small chance to fix it, it could be done in case of your husband had depression, was being medicated and had low testosterone. If your husband was not under depression medication and his testosterone levels are normal then your chances of fixing it are near zero.

You could try an open relationship, I think it could work for both of you if you overcome jeaulosy feelings.

[Sally]

I still don't get how you could not notice the lack of it.. Like, I didn't realize it because I simply never had experienced something like that in my life, so I couldn't tell, but now that I have, I don't think my partner not desiring me is something I could miss.

As far as my two sexual partners, they didn't notice because they were concentrated on their own feelings. I don't mean they didn't care about me; it was simply their own excitement with their physical feelings that my lack of them didn't come through. And I of course was continually trying to feel something and think that eventually I would. So there was no discussion.

Of course, once a sexual knows that an asexual has a difference experience, of course you would know and be upset with their lack of feeling.

[TheWife]

I think there is only a small chance to fix it, it could be done in case of your husband had depression, was being medicated and had low testosterone. If your husband was not under depression medication and his testosterone levels are normal then your chances of fixing it are near zero.

You could try an open relationship, I think it could work for both of you if you overcome jeaulosy feelings.

My husband has had his hormone levels and other things tested, everything is within normal ranges. He's completely refused an open relationship.

[Guest]

My husband has had his hormone levels and other things tested, everything is within normal ranges. He's completely refused an open relationship.

I don't blame him, I would not be OK with that either.

I still don't get how you could not notice the lack of it.. Like, I didn't realize it because I simply never had experienced something like that in my life, so I couldn't tell, but now that I have, I don't think my partner not desiring me is something I could miss.

As far as my two sexual partners, they didn't notice because they were concentrated on their own feelings. I don't mean they didn't care about me; it was simply their own excitement with their physical feelings that my lack of them didn't come through. And I of course was continually trying to feel something and think that eventually I would. So there was no discussion.

Of course, once a sexual knows that an asexual has a difference experience, of course you would know and be upset with their lack of feeling.

None of my partners ever noticed. I told one of my ex's about me not being into sex and he couldn't believe it. So, I think sometimes we push ourselves so much we end up trying hard enough to seem convincing.

Some people have very negative views of mixed relationships. They are hard, very hard. Some people have successful ones though, even without sex (or low amounts). It really just depends on what the couple can handle. It may work out, it may not. Do what you feel is right and will make you happy. If that means splitting, nothing wrong with that. If that means trying one more thing, nothing wrong with that either. Just talk often if he does try, to make sure he's still OK with what is going on.

[TheWife]

We are talking every day about how we are feeling and if he wants to stop, I've assured him how much I love him and that if he wants to slow down or stop I want him to be able to do that. Ive explained that he will never lose his family even if things do change. I don't want him to get hurt in this process. He's complaining that now I've got what I wanted (physical intimacy and sex) it should all be fine but I'm still making problems for us because I don't feel comfortable with him pushing himself to be intimate if it's going to cost him emotionally.

[Telecaster68]

Do you think it is pushing him too much? Or he's genuinely okay with it?

[TheWife]

I think he's pushing too much because he's worried about our future, I don't want him to do that but neither can I assure him the future is safe for us.

[Telecaster68]

Maybe the one advantage of giving it till Christmas is you'll have time to see if he can keep it up or even find something about it to like.