Asexual boyfriend

[Telecaster68]

Serran... People vary. My wife would, and has, done all those things with friends, especially the gay guys. And citing exclusivity is just begging the question. And there are plenty of asexuals who've posted about not doing any of those things with their partners... so none of that is working for me.

[Guest]

That's why I asked if there was anything they do that isn't done with friends. Everyone's list of things that only go to romantic partners will vary. You asked for examples , I gave you examples of mine. I mean, most monogamous couples I know consider kissing others cheating so that one is common people's lists. But, for some it can be things like "I save this special movie just for romantic partners" or "I only make this specific dish for romantic partners". It requires... asking your partner what theirs is. Everyone I know IRL has something on their list though. Except the one person who literally doesn't want a romantic partner.

[Star Bit]

@OP

tldr read the bold

The problem is you're linking all these things to sex when they're not that way for him. In the Olympics i just saw a coach kiss his student on the area joining the neck and shoulder after the Olympian preformed, and the slight slowness of it and placement made me raise an eyebrow, but most likely it was just a kiss that had awkward and unintentional placement. The coach's kiss most likely has no sexual or romantic connotations and that's really what you have to believe when you aren't that other person; because only they can know their emotions and not you. The same can be said of sportsman slaps on the butt, certain cultures having platonic chaste kissing, or a woman wearing fancy underwear for themselves and not to look sexy to a partner; somehow it's not sexual/romantic and you have to take them at their word. Just because something is misinterpretable doesn't mean it's factually romantic or sexual. Being asexual doesn't mean you can't be "dirty". In fact i was surprised "2 the Ranting Gryphon" is asexual (a Furry fandom comedian; link; warning possibly offensive content, who's also homoromantic; as his behavior is typical of straight men; and he's conclusively using the term correctly because he doesn't have sex with his husband). Asexuality strictly means not desiring sex; anything else can literally happen past that. Gray-sexual means someone desires sex at unusual times (i.e. rarely, after an unusual amount of time, etc.); you thinking his behavior is questionable has nothing to do with that. If he was aesthetically attracted to men or used male on male erotica to fap you'd be questioning if he's bi, but he still wouldn't be because he still doesn't actually desire sex or romance with other men. Straight women doing things that are typical of gay women doesn't mean they're bi either (link). "Metrosexuals" doing things typical of gay people are still straight. Gay women enjoying or desiring anal sex doesn't mean they sexually desire men (link). Who you desire sex with and how you desire sex are two different things. Making out is also different; doing so does not automatically mean sexual or romantic desires are there, which is what makes an orientation. Behavior does not make someone's orientation.

Also, have you tried befriending his BFF? Perhaps some of the fear comes from the unknown and once you know her you'll see she's explicitly platonic.

And for some asexuals alcohol is the only way they can be comfortable with having sex; some of them even become alcoholics because they're trying to keep their sexual partner happy.

[Telecaster68]

That's why I asked if there was anything they do that isn't done with friends. Everyone's list of things that only go to romantic partners will vary. You asked for examples , I gave you examples of mine. I mean, most monogamous couples I know consider kissing others cheating so that one is common people's lists. But, for some it can be things like "I save this special movie just for romantic partners" or "I only make this specific dish for romantic partners". It requires... asking your partner what theirs is. Everyone I know IRL has something on their list though. Except the one person who literally doesn't want a romantic partner.

Kissing with tongues, I agree with. But she almost never does that with me either (she's not unwilling, just doesn't occur to her, doesn't respond much when I do it, and clearly gets nothing from it), so it's not on the list. Everything else I can think of, bar 'moving cities', she would do/has done with friends, which is why I'm puzzled.

[Star Bit]

Yah, there have been threads on the matter and the difference between a platonic and romantic relationship is just not really able to be put into words.

[jmcolvin1]

As far as I know he has never kissed her, watched a movie together, etc. They don't talk outside of work. I have read messages where he called he baby and that bothered me. He has also said love you to her which is uncomfortable to me but I suppose not really abnormal.

As far as looking at women he does that often and it is still very confusing for me. He checks every female out but has no sexual desire?

If I didn't bring up sex we would never have it. He told me he tried masturbating a couple of times but got bored. We even watched porn once and turned it off in a few mins cuz it got awkward. I know he has always been like this because one of the ex baby mamas and I talked and she told me he was never into sex and this was 15 years ago.

I would like to have sex at least once a week, but I think his comfort level is maybe once a month. He is just a weird guy... Googles over girls but never wants to sleep with them !!! What label is there for that! 😉

[Anthracite_Impreza]

To be fair I'm a complete pervert when it comes to checking cars out, could drool over them for hours, but I have no sexual inclinations to them at all (I'm objectum-asexual, just fyi).

[Guest]

That's why I asked if there was anything they do that isn't done with friends. Everyone's list of things that only go to romantic partners will vary. You asked for examples , I gave you examples of mine. I mean, most monogamous couples I know consider kissing others cheating so that one is common people's lists. But, for some it can be things like "I save this special movie just for romantic partners" or "I only make this specific dish for romantic partners". It requires... asking your partner what theirs is. Everyone I know IRL has something on their list though. Except the one person who literally doesn't want a romantic partner.

Kissing with tongues, I agree with. But she almost never does that with me either (she's not unwilling, just doesn't occur to her, doesn't respond much when I do it, and clearly gets nothing from it), so it's not on the list. Everything else I can think of, bar 'moving cities', she would do/has done with friends, which is why I'm puzzled.

I hate kissing with tongues. But, kissing deeply without tongues would feel very weird with a non-romantic partner and I find that rather fun with one. But, have you asked your wife if there are any things she does/feels specifically with you vs with friends?

[Telecaster68]

Yep, and moving cities was all she could come up with. Tho there's the sheer amount of time spent together over 17 years too. While none of the activities may be different, we've done a lot more of all of them.

I'm excluding making out kissing on the same basis as tongues kissing.

[Sally]

To be fair I'm a complete pervert when it comes to checking cars out, could drool over them for hours, but I have no sexual inclinations to them at all (I'm objectum-asexual, just fyi).

But have you ever tried a Porsche 911? :D

[Star Bit]

... but guys with female best friends do commonly have problems dating due to their partner being jealous, so i will say your perspective is a common breaking point for many.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

To be fair I'm a complete pervert when it comes to checking cars out, could drool over them for hours, but I have no sexual inclinations to them at all (I'm objectum-asexual, just fyi).

But have you ever tried a Porsche 911? :D

Lol, someone had to didn't they ;)

[champagnerain]

I personally love women's bodies - especially breasts - and I find seeing attractive women naked to be very fun/interesting, though I don't feel any desire to have sex with them. I tend to not look at/focus on their genitals, though, because genitals (regardless of what kind) tend to make me uncomfortable.

So no, I don't think checking women out or even wanting to see them naked is all that strange. My appreciation of the naked form is similar to my appreciation of sculptures (and FYI, I don't want to have sex with sculptures either!). I also do tend to make jokes/comments that can be interpreted as sexual, even though I have no desire to actually act on them. I'm still not sure why I ever started doing so...possibly due to having so many male friends in the past and wanting to fit in? Dunno.

I also, like many other aces I've heard speak of this, tried to have sex with people because I assumed I would learn to like it/meet someone more experienced in bed/etc. My sexual past before realizing I was ace was not all that prolific, since most of the time I'd have sex once, get basically nothing out of it, and then avoid it for the next several years. But yeah, just agreeing with the others that factors like that don't actually negate asexuality.