Dating an asexual who is also afraid of sexual activities

[UsernameAlreadyTaken]

Hello all! I'm a straight male and I've been in a relationship for the past 2 1/2 years with my best friend of 10 years (I was one of the lucky ones who got out of the friend zone). Before we started dating, she went through a lot, including but not limited to a rape unfortunately. I went into the relationship knowing this and I never pressured sex upon her, we would only have it if it was her idea. Well, we'd have sex about once a month, but each time, she'd also be terrified that she was pregnant afterwards, no matter how safe we were. Every time she'd initiate sex with me, I'd try to remind her of that, but she'd always discredit that and continue anyway. Well, she recently came out to me as asexual, and told me that she had sex with me because she didn't want me to, "suffer" in the relationship. In all seriousness, not having sex shouldn't bother me because this is absolutely the girl I plan on marrying, and sex, or any form of sexual act shouldn't matter as much as just being with her does, but lately I find myself sexually frustrated, and unsure of what to do. I'll never put her in a situation where there's an ultimatum of, "either you have sex with me or I'm out", but she also refuses to do anything sexual with me at all, even including hand jobs. I feel ridiculous because I should just be happy with the fact that I'm dating the girl of my dreams, but I have so much built up sexuality and I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice, I'm all ears. Thank you so much in advance!

[Sally]

You don't have to feel guilty because you are frustrated without sex. She and you are very different as far as sex; she doesn't want it, and may never feel comfortable having it, and you do and likely wouldn't feel comfortable never having it. That's a very important incompatibility when you're thinking about sharing a life with someone. It would be best for the two of you to talk very honestly about your feelings. A relationship where one or both of you is either feeling guilty or frustrated is not a happy one.

[Guest]

Could you agree on something like er.. you two kiss and cuddle while you masturbate yourself? And she keeps her underwear on the whole time? Or you kiss her breasts or something while you masturbate, and she just cuddles you? ..That way you're sort of meeting in the middle, where you're getting some sexual release with her but she isn't actually *having* sex with you?

You could even keep a condom on while you masturbate and do it under the blanket where she can't see, if she's at all concerned about semen or seeing your penis or whatever.

[Telecaster68]

I'm the sexual husband of a (functionally) asexual woman - menopause/illness/anxiety rather than abuse, and she's not repulsed, just utterly devoid of any sexual interest in any way. I completely understand your frustration, and it's great that you can find some satisfaction in what she was able to give. Many sexuals find the absence of being desired by their partners too much to bear, even if the partners are willing to take give what they can out of love.

I'm sure she finds her experiences very difficult to talk about, and you'll both have to take it very gently, but it sounds to me like they may be behind her dislike of sex at least as much as those experiences. Being able to resolve them will probably allow her to be happier in herself, as well as potentially more sexually. She may be asexual as well, of course, and obviously asexuality isn't caused by abuse. It may even be that she's using it as a way to explain her asexuality to herself as much as to you. But it does seem to me that it's worth addressing that whole area for its own sake, if she wants to.

not having sex shouldn't bother me because this is absolutely the girl I plan on marrying, and sex, or any form of sexual act shouldn't matter as much as just being with her does

Why shouldn't it? For most sexual couples, 'being with' their partner includes being with them sexually. We find it the most intense, intimate, bonding way of being together. It sounds like your partner accepts this, even if you don't. Its absence is big thing, and over time often leads to the sexual partner feeling the emotional connection slipping away too. Having some kind of sexual connection is a necessary part of a relationship, just as talking, spending time together, etc. are. Needing it is definitely nothing to be ashamed of, and its absence is as completely valid incompatability as anything else. You're not being shallow by finding it unbearable. Sometimes love isn't enough.

[Blondbeard]

I've been in both sides of the equation, I recommend you breaking up with her and finding a new woman or talking with her and asking her to accept that you have sex with other women.

[Guest]

Moved topic to SPFA

Jayce, Asexual Relationships moderator.

[UsernameAlreadyTaken]

Could you agree on something like er.. you two kiss and cuddle while you masturbate yourself

We've actually tried this, and maybe I'm just being too selfish, but if she's not the one doing it, it just makes me feel awkward and distant even if we're kissing. I don't know, I think if we started this whole time with not doing anything I'd be completely fine with it, but seeing as it went from sex to no sex, I feel like there's something in our relationship that was there that is now missing... Maybe that's wrong, but I just don't know.

[UsernameAlreadyTaken]

And telecaster68, thank you, your post was by far the most helpful, I seriously appreciate that

[ponz]

If you spent 2.5 years having sex, don't you think you'd need at least half that time to adjust to not having sex? Any relationship changes take time, so I suggest keep trying with the kissing/cuddling/masturbation and give it some time to become your norm. She's giving you everything she can give you, which should make you feel loved and intimate.

[Blondbeard]

If you spent 2.5 years having sex, don't you think you'd need at least half that time to adjust to not having sex? Any relationship changes take time, so I suggest keep trying with the kissing/cuddling/masturbation and give it some time to become your norm. She's giving you everything she can give you, which should make you feel loved and intimate.

That would be like asking him to enter into a straight relationship being homosexual and expecting to adjust after one year. He should find a partner of his same sexual orientation unless he wants to be miserable.

[ponz]

If you spent 2.5 years having sex, don't you think you'd need at least half that time to adjust to not having sex? Any relationship changes take time, so I suggest keep trying with the kissing/cuddling/masturbation and give it some time to become your norm. She's giving you everything she can give you, which should make you feel loved and intimate.

That would be like asking him to enter into a straight relationship being homosexual and expecting to adjust after one year. He should find a partner of his same sexual orientation unless he wants to be miserable.

He stated that he'd probably be fine if they started with no sex, but since they had sex for 2.5 years already, he can't adjust. It's possible that he just needs more time, but also possible it won't work out.

[Blondbeard]

If you spent 2.5 years having sex, don't you think you'd need at least half that time to adjust to not having sex? Any relationship changes take time, so I suggest keep trying with the kissing/cuddling/masturbation and give it some time to become your norm. She's giving you everything she can give you, which should make you feel loved and intimate.

That would be like asking him to enter into a straight relationship being homosexual and expecting to adjust after one year. He should find a partner of his same sexual orientation unless he wants to be miserable.

He stated that he'd probably be fine if they started with no sex, but since they had sex for 2.5 years already, he can't adjust. It's possible that he just needs more time, but also possible it won't work out.

Well that's just an idea to the air talking about something from the past that never happened. If he really thinks that I think he is wrong. That's like saying that I would be fine if I started to have a gay relationship from seconfd one. I think he could stay there just like I know gay people who stayef with their wives because they were afraid to tell that they were gay. That's not being fine, that's a ticket to hell, some people accepts living in hell for the rest of their life but that's another issue.

[Tarfeather]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

[OutsideObserver]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

If only that answer could save all the relationships that fall apart because of sex. I'll bet nearly all of those relationships had other components to them than sex.

[Telecaster68]

"There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex."

Just as there are other reasons to buy a car than its engine, but you wouldn't want one with no engine.

[Blondbeard]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

Sure, but it's a key part of it. Just think about how many users of this forum dont accept a relationship if sex is involved.

Sex is not the only think in a relationship but it usually is a dealbreaker if not homosexuals and heterosexuals would marry between them randomly, in reality people look for sexual orientation compatibility. That's why when it finish in many caees it comes divorce or adultery.

[nanogretchen4]

Frankly, Blondbeard, your ex did everything right. She was open about her orientation from the beginning and chose another "asexual" to have a relationship with. She had every reason to assume that you would be sexually compatible. It sounds like 100% of the withholding of important information was on your side.

[Blondbeard]

Frankly, Blondbeard, your ex did everything right. She was open about her orientation from the beginning and chose another "asexual" to have a relationship with. She had every reason to assume that you would be sexually compatible. It sounds like 100% of the withholding of important information was on your side.

She did everything right. But when compatibility ends the relationship needs to evolve or finnish.

If she would have accepted an open relationship we woul be still together, but like I said compatibility is important, she could not tale that and I could not take the opposite.

[Guest]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

Sure, but it's a key part of it. Just think about how many users of this forum dont accept a relationship if sex is involved.

Sex is not the only think in a relationship but it usually is a dealbreaker if not homosexuals and heterosexuals would marry between them randomly, in reality people look for sexual orientation compatibility. That's why when it finish in many caees it comes divorce or adultery.

Comparing asexual/sexual and homosexual/heterosexual is a flawed comparison. For many people, romantic and sexual orientation match. Meaning, a homosexual married to a heterosexual not only cannot sexually desire their partner, they also cannot romantically desire their partner. An asexual is just lacking the sexual component. It's really not the same. Yes, it's a big difference. And yes, some people can't do mixed relationships. BUT, there are many reasons besides the sexual component keeping people from having other mixed orientation relationships as a general rule.

[OutsideObserver]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

Sure, but it's a key part of it. Just think about how many users of this forum dont accept a relationship if sex is involved.

Sex is not the only think in a relationship but it usually is a dealbreaker if not homosexuals and heterosexuals would marry between them randomly, in reality people look for sexual orientation compatibility. That's why when it finish in many caees it comes divorce or adultery.

Comparing asexual/sexual and homosexual/heterosexual is a flawed comparison. For many people, romantic and sexual orientation match. Meaning, a homosexual married to a heterosexual not only cannot sexually desire their partner, they also cannot romantically desire their partner. An asexual is just lacking the sexual component. It's really not the same. Yes, it's a big difference. And yes, some people can't do mixed relationships. BUT, there are many reasons besides the sexual component keeping people from having other mixed orientation relationships as a general rule.

I still think the comparison is good for explaining to asexuals why a sexual would not date them. That sexual component seems to be a hard thing for asexuals to wrap their heads around, and asking the question "Why don't homosexuals date heterosexuals" provokes an answer that can lead them to "Why would an allosexual not want to date an asexual" with provoking a knee-jerk response of "SEX DOESN'T MATTER!!!! " that derails communication.

[OutsideObserver]

.

[champagnerain]

For some insight to the OP regarding the "even including hand jobs" comment:

I'm asexual and in a relationship with a sexual person. A lot of people assume that handjobs are a lesser evil for asexual people, because it's not "full" sex. For some people, that might be true - but for me, it's not. I don't mind PIV sex - it feels good under the right circumstances, and while I'd generally prefer to be doing something else, it's an okay way to spend some time if it will please my partner. However, I have a huge issue with hand jobs/oral sex - I'm not 100% sure why, but I tend to think it's because of the amount I need to focus on another person's genitals in other to do it. During PIV sex, I can just think, "This feels good" rather than focusing on the uncomfortable idea of his genitals and my genitals interacting. When giving hand jobs, since there's nothing else to distract me and since it's right there in my hand, I can't possibly miss how bizarre and awkward the act is.

My point is this - there might be a type of sexual activity that bothers her less, but that activity might not be hand jobs, even though hand jobs are seen as "less extreme" than PIV sex. I think you should definitely have a discussion with her about sex to see what she's open to - if anything - without making assumptions.

[Sally]

^^Yes indeed. Suggesting to someone that if they don't like sex, they could try XX instead because that's not really "sex" assumes that everyone has the same idea of what's tolerable or not.

[Blondbeard]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

Sure, but it's a key part of it. Just think about how many users of this forum dont accept a relationship if sex is involved.

Sex is not the only think in a relationship but it usually is a dealbreaker if not homosexuals and heterosexuals would marry between them randomly, in reality people look for sexual orientation compatibility. That's why when it finish in many caees it comes divorce or adultery.

Comparing asexual/sexual and homosexual/heterosexual is a flawed comparison. For many people, romantic and sexual orientation match. Meaning, a homosexual married to a heterosexual not only cannot sexually desire their partner, they also cannot romantically desire their partner. An asexual is just lacking the sexual component. It's really not the same. Yes, it's a big difference. And yes, some people can't do mixed relationships. BUT, there are many reasons besides the sexual component keeping people from having other mixed orientation relationships as a general rule.

I think the comparision is valid ti make a point, but if you don't like it we can change it for having a relationship with an asexual aromantic or we can change it for monogamy vs poligamy or with sex with your sister. What I mean is that sex is very important and it draws many lines in society that makes people not compatible. It's, I'm sure, the biggest cause of divorce and adultery, moves billions in money, etc..

Sex is, on he contrary, very important and is a source of dealbreakers.

[Tarfeather]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

Sure, but it's a key part of it. Just think about how many users of this forum dont accept a relationship if sex is involved.

Sex is not the only think in a relationship but it usually is a dealbreaker if not homosexuals and heterosexuals would marry between them randomly, in reality people look for sexual orientation compatibility. That's why when it finish in many caees it comes divorce or adultery.

Comparing asexual/sexual and homosexual/heterosexual is a flawed comparison. For many people, romantic and sexual orientation match. Meaning, a homosexual married to a heterosexual not only cannot sexually desire their partner, they also cannot romantically desire their partner. An asexual is just lacking the sexual component. It's really not the same. Yes, it's a big difference. And yes, some people can't do mixed relationships. BUT, there are many reasons besides the sexual component keeping people from having other mixed orientation relationships as a general rule.

By the same token, comparing "heteroromantic" asexuals, to "aromantic" asexuals is a flawed comparison. Honestly, they're as different as day and night IMO, the only thing they share is that they don't desire sex.

[Blondbeard]

There are other reasons to be in a relationship than sex..

Sure, but it's a key part of it. Just think about how many users of this forum dont accept a relationship if sex is involved.

Sex is not the only think in a relationship but it usually is a dealbreaker if not homosexuals and heterosexuals would marry between them randomly, in reality people look for sexual orientation compatibility. That's why when it finish in many caees it comes divorce or adultery.

Comparing asexual/sexual and homosexual/heterosexual is a flawed comparison. For many people, romantic and sexual orientation match. Meaning, a homosexual married to a heterosexual not only cannot sexually desire their partner, they also cannot romantically desire their partner. An asexual is just lacking the sexual component. It's really not the same. Yes, it's a big difference. And yes, some people can't do mixed relationships. BUT, there are many reasons besides the sexual component keeping people from having other mixed orientation relationships as a general rule.

By the same token, comparing "heteroromantic" asexuals, to "aromantic" asexuals is a flawed comparison. Honestly, they're as different as day and night IMO, the only thing they share is that they don't desire sex.

You are absolutely right, in fact I highly doubt that a very romantic asexual could have a happy relationship with romance repulsed asexual.

[Guest]

I understand sex is very important and a source of deal breakers. It is a vital part for a majority of the population, even if it is a small part overall. The aromantic/romantic comparison is probably closest, as romantic feelings are lacking and with ace/sexual the sexual ones are. Still very different, but less extreme than romantic/sexual both being missing between other mixed orientation ones.

And for the car analogy, would it not be more like a car that lacks something you only use sometimes but truly makes the whole thing better when you do, rather than one you can't even use the car without like an engine? I was in my car lacking a/c and radio yesterday all day and it's like "Man, I love that this car runs OK but I can't wait to get one with a/c. So miss it!" Imagine my ex had similar thoughta about our sex life. ;D

[Telecaster68]

And for the car analogy, would it not be more like a car that lacks something you only use sometimes but truly makes the whole thing better when you do, rather than one you can't even use the car without like an engine? I was in my car lacking a/c and radio yesterday all day and it's like "Man, I love that this car runs OK but I can't wait to get one with a/c. So miss it!" Imagine my ex had similar thoughta about our sex life. ;D And for the car analogy, would it not be more like a car that lacks something you only use sometimes but truly makes the whole thing better when you do, rather than one you can't even use the car without like an engine? I was in my car lacking a/c and radio yesterday all day and it's like "Man, I love that this car runs OK but I can't wait to get one with a/c. So miss it!" Imagine my ex had similar thoughta about our sex life. ;D

Hmm. To an extent, except that a sexual relationship doesn't only happen when sex does. The sexual element, the occasional flirt, grope, 'wait till I get you home' look, the underlying knowledge that this person wants you sexually, is there all the time. Even when you're thinking about sex at all, the knowledge that this person shares moments of sexual abandonment and lust with you gives the whole relationship an underlying fizz.

And when it's not there, sexuals miss that fizz. It's like the whole relationship is decaffeinated and lacks an urgency. I think that's where the whole 'it's just a friendship' thing comes from.

[nanogretchen4]

I think the comparison with gay people trying desperately to make heterosexual relationships work instead of making the commitment to date within their orientation is completely legitimate. I think an apparently gay or straight person is actually more likely to be a little bit bisexual or to have not completely matching sexual and romantic orientations than a sexual person is to be truly okay longterm in a sexless relationship.

[Blondbeard]

I understand sex is very important and a source of deal breakers. It is a vital part for a majority of the population, even if it is a small part overall. The aromantic/romantic comparison is probably closest, as romantic feelings are lacking and with ace/sexual the sexual ones are. Still very different, but less extreme than romantic/sexual both being missing between other mixed orientation ones.

And for the car analogy, would it not be more like a car that lacks something you only use sometimes but truly makes the whole thing better when you do, rather than one you can't even use the car without like an engine? I was in my car lacking a/c and radio yesterday all day and it's like "Man, I love that this car runs OK but I can't wait to get one with a/c. So miss it!" Imagine my ex had similar thoughta about our sex life. ;D

I think sex is stronge than that, Telecaster explained this very good. It impregnates everything, changes everything, when a couple is sexless they go usually to sleep at different times, eat at different times, trips to Italy are...dull. When you are in a relationship with passion and sex yougo to sleep at the same time, cook for eachother, want to do everything together, even if sex is just 40 minutes of time divided in 3 times per week.