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Why Do Sexuals Require SEX Specificially to Orgasm? Magic?

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Lara Black

You don't want cozy and warm, you want excitement.

I think, that's what you want.) We might all want different things.

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Telecaster68

Well, me and pretty much all the other sexuals.

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Tarfeather

It's not just about the sex itself. There are different ways to connect to others. There are different implications, different messages, different ways to embed yourself in societal and cultural context.

There are celibate sexuals. Why do you think that is?

Similarly, there are sexuals who want a specific kind of sexual experience, that might not align perfectly with our most innate instincts, but instead aligns more with the kind of connection we have with our partner.

I personally have no issue with the idea of sex, even "normal" sex. I would like to experience that some day, if I find the right person. However, to me the culture around sex, around relationships, the social dynamics, expectations, are just utterly repulsive. I prefer the intimate relationship with my partner, because I don't have to deal with any of that with her, and some of the others here I've talked to seemed to express similar concerns.

There seem to be some sexuals here who worship the idea of sex so much, they apparently can not bear the notion of other sexuals denying that side of themselves. Yet, that is a personal choice. Trying to dictate to me how I should relate to my sexual orientation, is honestly no different from the kind of bigotry where people think they can tell homosexuals that their sexual preferences are wrong. Whether its choice or innate nature, it's still something that others have no right to judge.

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Telecaster68
I prefer the intimate relationship with my partner

Sex is an intimate relationship too.

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Lara Black

Well, me and pretty much all the other sexuals.

All of them? Interesting…

I agree with what Tarfeather here said and would like to add that even in the everyday sexuals’ vocabulary there are two terms: “sex” and “lovemaking”. Whatever each person might mean by differentiating between these two terms, there’s clearly more than one way to be physically close with another person – so much so that it’s been reflected in the language.

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Tarfeather

I prefer the intimate relationship with my partner

Sex is an intimate relationship too.

*scratches head* Did you really interpret me to say that only my relationship with my partner is intimate, and sexual relationships aren't? Are you insecure? :/

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Telecaster68
All of them? Interesting…

More or less, yes, that's why they're sexual. I don't mean rollercoaster ride excitement, I mean the excitement of a building, dynamic rising sense of anticipation and enjoyable tension, followed by the release. That's the difference between sex and cuddling.

Did you really interpret me to say that only my relationship with my partner is intimate, and sexual relationships aren't? Are you insecure? :/

I read it as implying that intimacy and sex are mutually exclusive, and you choose intimacy.

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Lara Black
All of them? Interesting…

More or less, yes, that's why they're sexual. I don't mean rollercoaster ride excitement, I mean the excitement of a building, dynamic rising sense of anticipation and enjoyable tension, followed by the release. That's the difference between sex and cuddling.

By now it really feels like trying to explain why I like olives to someone who hates them.))

But if you mean the physical excitement per se, it’s very much possible for a sexual person to experience that in a relationship with an asexual partner. That can remain the same, though the process of intimacy might feel different.

To conclude my part in this thread I’m just going to say that it’s possible for a sexual person to be physically satisfied in relationships with an asexual and for it to feel no worse or even better than relationships with a sexual partner (for this particular person in the couple). I have no idea how often that happens, but from my experience and talking with people here I can safely say – more than once.

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Tarfeather

Okay, first I have to explain that when I say "primitive", I don't mean that as an insult. Then I have to explain that when I say "intimate relationship", I'm not implying that sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive (wtf). What's next?

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Telecaster68
All of them? Interesting…

More or less, yes, that's why they're sexual. I don't mean rollercoaster ride excitement, I mean the excitement of a building, dynamic rising sense of anticipation and enjoyable tension, followed by the release. That's the difference between sex and cuddling.

By now it really feels like trying to explain why I like olives to someone who hates them.))

But if you mean the physical excitement per se, it’s very much possible for a sexual person to experience that in a relationship with an asexual partner. That can remain the same, though the process of intimacy might feel different.

To conclude my part in this thread I’m just going to say that it’s possible for a sexual person to be physically satisfied in relationships with an asexual and for it to feel no worse or even better than relationships with a sexual partner (for this particular person in the couple). I have no idea how often that happens, but from my experience and talking with people here I can safely say – more than once.

I'm sure, for some. But for myself, if my partner isn't into it, it hugely detracts from my own experience, to the point where I find it stressful and barely worth bothering with.

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Starlit Sky

I might be wrong, but I don't think either Lara Black or Tarfeather were ever saying that their relationships with their asexual partners were better or more intimate because their partners are asexual. It's ridiculous for anyone to try and say that it's impossible (which was suggested earlier) when there's more than one person talking from experience. Besides that, I don't think anyone here is saying that this is a common thing, or that it's the most morally correct thing. They're only saying that it's how it's like for them. Where's the debate? Am I missing something?

You don't want cozy and warm, you want excitement.

,

This is a wildfire we're talking about, not a controlled camp fire. You'll get excitement, I suppose--along with anxiety, complete destruction, death, devastated nature--the list goes on. A wildfire is a danger to all, and besides that . . . most sexuals I know wouldn't want this as a relationship. Perhaps they'd use that comparison for a sex-only relationship, but generally people want steadiness, consistency, and not something that destroys everything in its path. So long as we're using this comparison, most sexuals would much rather deal with the candle than something that is going to burn them alive. :lol:

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Telecaster68

The fire analogy was about sex, not the whole relationship - mostly steady and calm is good, but not in bed.

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Skullery Maid

I might be wrong, but I don't think either Lara Black or Tarfeather were ever saying that their relationships with their asexual partners were better or more intimate because their partners are asexual. It's ridiculous for anyone to try and say that it's impossible (which was suggested earlier) when there's more than one person talking from experience. Besides that, I don't think anyone here is saying that this is a common thing, or that it's the most morally correct thing. They're only saying that it's how it's like for them. Where's the debate? Am I missing something?

I completely agree... I don't get it. I mean, I get it, in that the claim is that basically all sexuals want the same thing, and I don't know if that's true or not... I've lived my entire adult life outside the heterosexual paradigm so I have no idea what's normal for them. I know a lot of people who prefer non-exciting/ non-rough/ slow and loving sex. It may not be most people (it probably isn't most people), but who cares??? Does it really matter what most people like? Let's say that 15 percent of the sexual population really needs slow, gentle sex... the fact that they're not "normal" doesn't mean they're wrong or they're not sexual or they're lying or whatever. It really just means people are different. Preferences don't become shitty and they're not lies just because they're not common. They're still preferences, which everyone is obviously entitled to have (and, regardless of entitlement, in actuality, everyone does have preferences). Arguing over the exact number of people in camp one vs camp two is a waste of time, as it's entirely irrelevant.

There are absolutely some sexual people who can be happy in a relationship with an asexual. Not most sexuals, I think, although age is going to matter here... I've noticed over the years that under the age of about 22 and over the age of about 60, it seems to get a little easier (though for different reasons). The youngsters are still inexperienced and idealistic, whereas the oldsters are more set in their routine and don't want to decimate an entire life built together. It seems the people in the middle are the most likely to enforce stricter boundaries and dealbreakers. Of course, that's just my personal perception and could be completely wrong. :)

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Starlit Sky

The fire analogy was about sex, not the whole relationship - mostly steady and calm is good, but not in bed.

On the contrary, Lara Black's analogy was about the relationship, not about their sex life. They weren't talking about sex so much as they were the intimacy they feel with their partner. Yes, sex is often seen as intimate, but they weren't talking about sexual intimacy.

I might be wrong, but I don't think either Lara Black or Tarfeather were ever saying that their relationships with their asexual partners were better or more intimate because their partners are asexual. It's ridiculous for anyone to try and say that it's impossible (which was suggested earlier) when there's more than one person talking from experience. Besides that, I don't think anyone here is saying that this is a common thing, or that it's the most morally correct thing. They're only saying that it's how it's like for them. Where's the debate? Am I missing something?

I completely agree... I don't get it. I mean, I get it, in that the claim is that basically all sexuals want the same thing, and I don't know if that's true or not... I've lived my entire adult life outside the heterosexual paradigm so I have no idea what's normal for them. I know a lot of people who prefer non-exciting/ non-rough/ slow and loving sex. It may not be most people (it probably isn't most people), but who cares??? Does it really matter what most people like? Let's say that 15 percent of the sexual population really needs slow, gentle sex... the fact that they're not "normal" doesn't mean they're wrong or they're not sexual or they're lying or whatever. It really just means people are different. Preferences don't become shitty and they're not lies just because they're not common. They're still preferences, which everyone is obviously entitled to have (and, regardless of entitlement, in actuality, everyone does have preferences). Arguing over the exact number of people in camp one vs camp two is a waste of time, as it's entirely irrelevant.

There are absolutely some sexual people who can be happy in a relationship with an asexual. Not most sexuals, I think, although age is going to matter here... I've noticed over the years that under the age of about 22 and over the age of about 60, it seems to get a little easier (though for different reasons). The youngsters are still inexperienced and idealistic, whereas the oldsters are more set in their routine and don't want to decimate an entire life built together. It seems the people in the middle are the most likely to enforce stricter boundaries and dealbreakers. Of course, that's just my personal perception and could be completely wrong. :)

I've noticed the same thing so I think you're definitely correct. I also think that the large majority of sexuals will feel more intimate in a sexual relationship, and then of course there are the differences. ^_^

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Telecaster68

She said:

"I’d say that traditional sex has a different “mood” than being intimate with the asexual partner. I can use the metaphor of sex as a wildfire – bright, hot and roaring - and what I have now, being more like candlelight – it feels more intimate, warmer, fragile. Both are fires and fundamentally the same, but, at the same time, these are different kinds of fire."

Pretty clearly about sex to me.

And I wasn't the one saying 'all' sexuals. I said 'pretty much all'. Lara elevated it to 'all'.

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Starlit Sky

Aw darn, you're right. Sorry about that! I'll take my "fail" hat with a bow now~

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WoodwindWhistler

I might be wrong, but I don't think either Lara Black or Tarfeather were ever saying that their relationships with their asexual partners were better or more intimate because their partners are asexual. It's ridiculous for anyone to try and say that it's impossible (which was suggested earlier) when there's more than one person talking from experience. Besides that, I don't think anyone here is saying that this is a common thing, or that it's the most morally correct thing. They're only saying that it's how it's like for them. Where's the debate? Am I missing something?

Dunno, but I do remember that the writer of the humorously named Cuddle Sutra, ostensibly a pretty run of the mill allo, says cuddling is in many ways more intimate than sex.

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WoodwindWhistler

Your (meaning ironically you and a bunch of the asexuals on this board) insistence on primitive instincts in regard to sexuality being somehow "bad", or detracting from the experience, never fails to fascinate me. Sex without "noisy, primitive instincts" would be considerably less fulfilling and fun.

And would it be more intimate? That was the topic of discussion.

Heck yes it's more intimate! Assuming you aren't bringing a bunch of your own baggage with it (ie. you aren't fantasizing that this somehow hurts or degrades your partner, or that primal emotions are somehow "less" than effete, intellectualized emotions).

The draw to be physically close to and love a mate is a primitive instinct too.

Well, Tantra would disagree with you there. Being fully present and appreciating your partner- kind of drinking them in slowly- instead of taking a backseat- well, as I understand it, it's sort of like getting soused and then not being able to remember clearly what you did to have so much fun, or experience it all as a hazy blur. Maybe you like that, but there's a reason it's side-eyed here, as well as other cultures in their approach to sex.

Have you ever tried Tantra? If not, it may answer your questions. (Like, "how is it more intimate" in a non-opinion way) And, again, from what I understand, the orgasms, after a good bit of waiting, are also fantastic. :P

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Your (meaning ironically you and a bunch of the asexuals on this board) insistence on primitive instincts in regard to sexuality being somehow "bad", or detracting from the experience, never fails to fascinate me. Sex without "noisy, primitive instincts" would be considerably less fulfilling and fun.

And would it be more intimate? That was the topic of discussion.

Heck yes it's more intimate! Assuming you aren't bringing a bunch of your own baggage with it (ie. you aren't fantasizing that this somehow hurts or degrades your partner, or that primal emotions are somehow "less" than effete, intellectualized emotions).

The draw to be physically close to and love a mate is a primitive instinct too.

Regarding "sex with noisy, primitive instincts being intimate or not"

For me, it's the primal aspects of sex that make it so intimate. The sweat, the fluids, the noises, the smeIIs, the bruises and the love bites and the nail marks, the way you can be rough *and* gentle and just revel in each others bodies and each others humanness and your love for each other. Being that vulnerable with another human who you love deeply..practically inside out and a part of each other at the same time, feels so intimate it's almost spiritual ^_^ ..if we were both trying to be Barbie dolls and give each other gentle lip kisses and avoiding mess and rude sounds at all costs, that would severely detract from our intimacy and make things super boring and awkward. Sex is meant to be messy, if you ask me.. intimate, loving, sensual, verbal, fun, silly, joyful, slimy, squelchy, sweaty and slippery :P ..When you can accept and love and desire someone in that state, and know they accept and love and desire you in that state also, that's so deeply bonding..

Feeling totally loved and accepted not despite the messy, primal humanness but because of it.. that's the core of total sexual pleasure and satisfaction on all levels, in my humble opinion <3

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El-not-so-ace

Yes, what Panfictovore said exactly! I had a hot and heavy make out session once and it felt so natural to be all hot, even though I absolutely hate being sweaty or someone seeing my face red on normal occasions. It felt like being accepted so much more than if I was sweatless and perfectly made up like a photoshopped model. :P

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