Asexual Women Musings

[Forest Spirit]

1 minute ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

I'm honestly not open to being anything other than aromantic asexual but I don't believe I'll ever have to worry about that changing.

Don't think I'll have to worry about it changing too, at least not the ace part that has been pretty clear😊

[Artila]

11 minutes ago, Quasar.w said:

Sure, if that is what you feel most comfortable with then keeping it open is a good way to go about it I think. What I can say is that it is not always easy to pin-point what you feelings are, sexual attraction is however still a mystery to me😅

Thank you! I think sexual attraction will be as obvious as a crush after all I have heard xD

 

also I have read others posts about how not everyone shares my approach and that is totally fine! If you cringe at the thought of certain things don't do it.

 

Just I am curious and I hope that sexual attraction will still develop because I want to feel the good stuff others talk about so I decided to search for experience first.

[Guest]

@Quasar.w It's really rare that it does and there's no way to be certain those people were actually asexual to begin with.

[Forest Spirit]

@Artila I'd guess so too!

What things do you mean? I'm stuck😅 trying to be fine with your body?

Ah I see, I'm the complete opposite but you do you! As long as you don't push yourself and feel fine/happy😊

 

@Moon Spirit ☽ no idea tbh, haven't really looked into that myself. And sure, it can be that they just didn't experience sexual attraction the way they thought they'd do

 

[EmilyWritesSomeStuff]

Sexist and misogynist people are the worst to us ace women. It's annoying enough for straight women and allosexual queer ones to deal with, so we're just another group for those creeps to be super rude and inconsiderate too.

[aring91]

I'm open to anything at this point, I don't care what the gender of the person is or wether I'm in a relationship so it's not anything that I actively search for but I'm not against ir. 

[Guest]

@EmilyWritesSomeStuff It wouldn't matter if we were some other way than how we are, though. They're going to be rude and inconsiderate regardless, because they hate all women.

[Forest Spirit]

Just some random video I found. It really is still seen as not quite right by many to not have children, I've gotten comments about "you'll change your mind" too

Spoiler

 

 

[weird elf]

OMG can someone PLEASE show that to my colleagues! That's what I got when I started here. You wouldn't believe how closed-minded people were, and not even necessarily the old ones.

Someone got preggers years ago. Next thing I know I get an elbow in the ribs and hear a (female!) colleague say "haha you'll be next". I'm like, "no I won't." - "Yes you will, it's contagious." - "I'm immune." - "You can't be immune to that." - Did I mention I'm not only ace but certified infertile? Goodness those people drive me bonkers.

[Forest Spirit]

4 minutes ago, weird elf said:

OMG can someone PLEASE show that to my colleagues! That's what I got when I started here. You wouldn't believe how closed-minded people were, and not even necessarily the old ones.

Someone got preggers years ago. Next thing I know I get an elbow in the ribs and hear a (female!) colleague say "haha you'll be next". I'm like, "no I won't." - "Yes you will, it's contagious." - "I'm immune." - "You can't be immune to that." - Did I mention I'm not only ace but certified infertile? Goodness those people drive me bonkers.

Wow... that is some new level of being insensitive! ^hugs^ to you

And yes it does come a lot from other women which is just so "whyyyyy???? Leave me alone!!!!".

[weird elf]

Insensitivity is an art form with some of my dear coworkers. Downside of living rural, I guess, some people's minds seem to be stuck in the 1950s.

[Forest Spirit]

Just now, weird elf said:

Insensitivity is an art form with some of my dear coworkers. Downside of living rural, I guess, some people's minds seem to be stuck in the 1950s.

^countryside for the win^

[weird elf]

🤣

 

[Forest Spirit]

Just have too much experience with living in the countryside aka a 2'000 something village in the Alps😅 progressiveness is sometimes kind of forgotten in that one cupboard at home...

Funnily enough, my sister (38 with 2 kids) is one of the "you'll change your mind"-people while my mum (68) has accepted my decision after a bit

[weird elf]

Goodness. o.O How do people think that's okay, especially in the family?

[Forest Spirit]

2 minutes ago, weird elf said:

Goodness. o.O How do people think that's okay, especially in the family?

If I would only know🙈 my sisters comment when I insisted on "nope" was basically about "oh so you'll focus on your career"... no, I just don't want kids. Thanks for not making that a valid option for whatever reason

 

It is predominantly catholic here and even though I don't think my sister is one any more (or at least not really) starting a family aka marriage, having kids, having a house are ideals that are still very present and you know, if they repeat it throughout your childhood/adolescence and it's just everywhere I guess some people just buy into that and if they don't don't want children themselves then it's just not something you feel like questioning... or sth like that I guess😅

[weird elf]

Yeah. It's similar here, not catholic, but pretty darn traditional. At my workplace there are three people over 30 with no kids (of over 60 coworkers total), most have more than two kids. It's insane. I mean, if that's what they want, more power to them. But they need to stop projecting those expectations everywhere.

[Aloney]

Yeah, I think this whole "traditional values" -thing is pretty international. And you get introduced to them so young and then hammered with them every moment of your life. I've lately been trying to actually deal with the whole "My wishes vs. Others' expectations" premise, kind of trying to get myself to understand that I can be happy without the things people are shoving down my throat, i.e. having children, a spouse and whatever else. I believed I wanted those things until I was nineteen (heck, I thought I wanted MANY children for some reason), and then, when I realized I actually didn't, it led into a whole existential crisis and guilt -vortex 😅 Why should anyone feel guilty about doing what they want with their life, as long as they're not hurting anybody? It's ridiculous to feel guilty over something that has absolutely no effect on anyone else and makes you happy 😅

[Forest Spirit]

My go to answer with having kids is always "well.. and then there's over-population and lots of kids without parents soooo"

 

And I can see that this leads to an existential crisis @Aloney, when the certainty is suddenly gone it can be quite over-whelming!

[lilypad16]

It’s so comforting to know that I’m not the only woman out there who has to deal with people who can’t understand the lack of desire for romance or children. Apparently without these two things my life has no meaning, which is super frustrating. 

[Cee Fox]

I deal with it too but in a different way... I don't know if it's because I'm a black too, but a lot of the older people around me have been warning me about getting knocked up since I was a teenager. Like, 'YES you will meet a boy/man and it's likely that you will have unprotected sex because you're young and all young people are inherently sexual beings' and it just all feels very gross to me. It's like people have been prepping me for pregnancy since I was 15.

[SaturnOOO]

I also have never been interested in procreating and have heard all the usual, though luckily not from anyone who really matters to me. I think I internalized it too despite the fact that my family never pressured me at all in that way. I spent most of my life assuming that one day I'd want children. I will say now that I've become more confident in stating how I feel, every once in a while I'll get the opposite reaction. Most of the time it's "oh you have a lot of time to decide," (not true, lol, but I look younger than I am,) but there's the odd older woman who will give me a surprised "good for you!" I wonder how many women in previous generationns would have made that choice if it was an option for them.

[ScottieVen]

I agree. I currently work at a children's consignment shop (been working there since I was 16), so I am always interacting with mothers and their kids. I am really good with kids and love to talk to them, but I have never had the desire to have my own children.... EVER. However, since I was 16, parents (specifically mothers) would tell me "you're going to be a great mom later in life" or "you're next for sure" or "I'm surprised you haven't had kids, since you work with them" or "you're very maternal, just you wait". It is especially worse now that I am 22 and some of the same moms who knew me since I first started working their think I should be getting pregnant any day now. I live in a small town so many of these parents also know me from when I went to school, from my family, or from my friends. Luckily, my boss and I are very similar in that we both do not want kids. I have gotten very use to saying I am not interested in having kids, but I usually get a "wait till you find the right man" or "you'll want them eventually". 

[LemonSquash]

So, it's only recently that I've found out that I'm asexual. Sex irks me, I don't mind people talking about it, but I hate that I am expected to do it someday. I am still confused. Am I really asexual or just a phase as they say it. I do want children in the future, a romantic relationship is also nice. But recently I broke up with my fiancee whom I loved so much because he didn't get me. I didn't like talking sexual things, dirty talks and all those stuff. I just liked his companionship. But how am I supposed to explain I just

Hate sex and being sexual...

[Libellule]

It's amazing how patronising other people can get about choosing not to have children. I always get some variation of "Well you're too young to decide that now anyways" or "You'll change your mind once you might the right man". Which is why I now just keep quiet in conversations about that subject and only mention that I don't want kids if someone asks me directly. Although it's probably one of the things I've always been quite decisive about. I just can't stand being patronised.

 

The assumption that all women will have children is so harmful - and not just to those who don't want any, but also to the ones who might want children but can't. 

[ModestFox]

It annoys me a bit that everyone automatically assumes you're going to have children one day. I know it's common enough to be seen as default, so I just ignore it when I can.

[auntjessie]

I always find it difficult when friends of my parents ask, "You're not married yet? That's ok. You'll find someone. You're so sweet."

 

I don't want to sound embarrassed when I tell people that at 33 I'm not married, I don't plan on having kids, and my main goal in life is not finding a life partner. I want to be proud and tell them, "I'm asexual. It's possible I may never be married and that doesn't bother me." Sure, there are days I see my parents and my sister's marriage and think, "That would be nice," but I get enough love and support from my family and friends that I remember it's not a partner that you have to rely on for those things.

 

Still, it's hard to make people understand why I'm not interested in relationships. I am so happy that I found my people - love you all - because it was so lonely being the only female in my group of friends who was like, "Sex? Meh." I wish people would learn to look beyond relationships and see that it's not the only thing people want out of life. We all have relationships. Romantic relationships is the one where people get all pushy and nosy. And it's what makes me not want to talk about when my friends have those conversations. Which is hard when you're the only asexual among them and they just don't get it.

 

I feel like I veered off topic, lol. 

[SaturnOOO]

1 hour ago, auntjessie said:

We all have relationships. Romantic relationships is the one where people get all pushy and nosy.

This has always struck me. Like, why THAT relationship in particular? It's an important one in many people's lives for sure, but asexual people aren't the only ones who value other relationships as well. We're not the only ones who frequently have relationships that challenge us and enhance our lives that have nothing whatsoever to do with romantic partnership. But no one asks "do you have good friends? Do you have people who value and support you?" 🤔

[MyHeroRen]

Hello! My name is Ren. I'm a college student in my 20s and about a month ago I realized that I might be asexual. It all started when my roommate had drunk sex with a mutual friend of ours. I was very concerned that it wasn't consensual since they were both intoxicated. She informed me that, yes she was drunk, but she wasn't drunk enough to not know what she was doing. She said that "when you're drunk your inhibition's are lower and sometimes you want to act on your impulses, you know?" No, I don't. That's when it hit me. Not once in my life have I ever had a desire to have sex with someone. That's not to say that I never want to have sex; I've just never been interested. 

 

In the past I never considered myself to be as asexual, because I always thought that asexuality meant that you did not want to have sexual and romantic attraction. Now that I've done more research I know that asexuality is on a spectrum, and asexuality just means you do not have sexual attractions to others. I wish someone would have taught me about asexuality a lot sooner, so that way I would not be in my 20s and having a crisis about my sexuality. 

 

On top of that I am a Christian and I attend a non-denominational church. My bible study does not know that I am asexual, and to be honest I am afraid to tell them. I am asexual, but I am heteromantic (as in I am romantically attracted to men).  I'm afraid as being seen as different or that they'll invalidate my asexuality by saying things like: "oh you just haven't found the one yet" or "it's just a phase." I'm also not your typical "Christian Girl" I'm a bit of a nerds, I love anime, video games, I consider myself to be a feminist, and a progressive Christian. I guess in my head I just see my sexuality as something that makes me even more different then I already am. 

 

I am hesitant to say I'm asexual, mostly because I'm afraid that I'm not. I'm afraid people might invalidate my asexuality by saying I'm just trying to "create a label for myself" Or I'm afraid that maybe I'm asexual, because the idea of having sex makes me anxious. Even though logically I know it's because I'm just not interested. 

 

I'm not really expecting anyone to respond to my post. I just wanted to get my feelings out there, since I don't know anyone else in my life who is asexual. But for those who read this far, I just want to say, thank you  Thanks for hearing me out, and maybe over-time I'll be able to feel more normal. 

[Mogz]

My older sister is getting married next year and I'm the maid of honor. I'm excited for her and I'm happy she's finally found someone who treats her right (she's dated A LOT of less than good men). As maid of honor I have to do a lot of the planning for the bachelorette party, which is fine, but I am DREADING having to hang out with my sister's friends for a whole 3 day weekend. I'm 30 and my sister is 33, which isn't a big age gap, but all of her friends live very heteronormative lives. They're almost all married, many of them have kids already, and the ones that aren't married have or want SOs. 

 

My sister knows I'm ace and she's been very supportive since the first day I told her, but obviously none of her friends know that and I'm really not looking forward to either A. Having to explain to 10 other women that I'm ace (a lot of these ladies are also probably at least a bit on the conservative side) or B. Having to just ungracefully dodge the inevitable questions about whether I'm married, paired off, or whatnot.