Asexual Women Musings

[Princess KittenSparkles]

9 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

Ugh why do people (99.9% of the time men) always think that it's cool to ask/say extremely personal things to queer women in general, and ace women in particular? Like 80% of the time when I come out to a dude his first question is "do you masturbate?" followed up by "have you had sex?" none of your business maaannnnn!

My effing god this so much. It pisses me off that people just start asking you questions and if you answer "yes" to any of them they invalidate your identity because "See! You do sexual things therefore not ace! GOT EM!" and if you say "no" you get the "Ew that's so weird I pity you", "What's wrong with you", "-awkward, almost disgusted look"

 

And if you don't answer? Straight up prude. "I'm just trying to learn no need to be so closed off" Then why not start by...idk, picking not so intrusive questions? Like, I hardly know you bro, back off. 

 

The most recent time this has happened to me was this month and after I answered, the person just said "Wow, that's so boring. You're really boring". Oh ok so my value as a person just boils down to how I use/not use my genitals. Cool, I wasted all this time building this personality for nothing lol 

 

-endrant-

[Princess KittenSparkles]

1 hour ago, cynjo said:

Guys, I don't know how you will feel about this, but maybe someone will understand me. I consider myself to be completely asexual and heteromantic, but I am kind of grey ace about kissing. I don't know if I want to kiss. I used to like to kiss the guy I was in love with, but now I'm not in love with him and I don't like kissing him. Maybe I'm an asexual demi-kisser. I don't know if I think it sounds great, or in reality a disgusting thing? Does anyone else struggle with this?

Um, I think you just fell out of love and don't want to kiss him anymore lol. Doesn't mean you're necessarily 'demi-kisser' since demisexuality means you have to build a relationship/bond with the person first before you develop an attraction. You already have that with him so 'demi-kisser' wouldn't make much sense (IMO). Your heart is just not in it for him anymore and that's okay. Maybe since you don't see him romantically anymore and you see him more in a platonic sense you feel odd about kissing him (You don't lock lips with your friends. Well for ME anyway LOL). I'm the same way. Affectionate to the max but once I start losing feelings so does my desire for giving/receiving affection from this person but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly 'demisexual' about it...

[Custard Cream]

The upside to being married to a sexual guy is that everyone automatically assumes I am cishet, wrong on every count, but it generally suits me just fine to keep that stuff private. If I do come out as ace, nobody feels the need to ask those horrible questions about sex and masturbation, thank goodness.

[RavenQueen]

On 10/30/2019 at 2:01 AM, cynjo said:

I agree. They need to stop making assumptions. Besides, I don't want to live alone forever. I want an ace guy and that's going to make it harder, but not impossible, and if I don't find him, it's bad for my mental health to be with a sexual guy. I know. I've tried it.

I wish if I can find an asexual, who is an aesthetically pleasing guy, but, unfortunately, not within my zone. Where I live, coming out is impossible. 

Trying to be with a sexual man is awful. I have tried dodging sexual conversations and hint, Ugh! It hurts. The willpower to stand that, while being sane is unreal. 

[PotatoWithLegs18]

I literally struggle from anxiety in meeting anyone romantically because I am constantly thinking about how I will eventually have to tell them I am asexual.  Like, I  don't necessarily want a relationship but at the same time I kind of do.  I have basically no friends living near me right now and I would love to have someone who gets me and I could share myself with beyond friendship.  Because of this anxiety now though, I have become so introverted and am having such a hard time meeting anyone.  I also feel like I am constantly pretending to be someone I am not around others...IDK if I really have a question here but I guess I just felt like sharing my feelings.  Does anyone have any thoughts or comments they feel like sharing or has anyone else dealt with serious social anxiety from being ace?  I also live in like the worst area when it comes to any queer acceptance... I have no groups or anything for support around me and I have even begun to shut myself off to my therapist because I just don't know how to really explain any of this or how I feel.  

Maybe someone out there can enlighten me to my own feelings because I for sure have no idea what I am doing with my life and I really want to do more than just work and read on my own but I also find it so hard.

 

P.S  I am also tired of my family making jokes about me not ever having a boyfriend and that they always question if I might be gay (not that theres anything wrong with that) but I am not homosexual I am asexual and I don't really want to have to share that with them becuase I know they will have a hard time understanding and I know they will begin to invalidate me with comments like you just haven't met the right person.   Like I honestly think they would be happier to hear that I am gay because then they would start wanting to help me find someone else. 

Also, my mom also thinks I have a libido problem or something already that I need help with and I know that she will hold on to that as my problem that can be fixed rather than accepting the reality.  

I just wish everyone around me wasn't so obsessed with romantic and sexual relationships like they are the only things that matter in life.

I just wish they could lay off me and stop asking me about guys and people I like.  Even though I know they worry about me being alone all my life.

[Catpaws]

On 10/7/2019 at 5:01 PM, Anommamous said:

Hello again, everyone!

I know I posted already, but this seems very worth sharing. I was doing some more poking around on the internet and came across this:

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-1-about-you/

It's a list of possible signs of asexuality, in 3 parts. I was simply amazed to discover that there wasn't a single thing on any part of that list that I didn't identify with 100%.

It made me feel so much more comfortable with considering I may be asexual, which is why I'm posting it now. Hopefully it'll help others understand themselves better, too; and remember not to try to cram yourself into a box!

Holy crap, thank you so much for reposting this! It was a great read, and while I didn't identify 100% with all of it, so much of it resonates. I thought I was the only one who went "anthropological minded" when faced with bare body parts! I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one.

 

To bring something topical to the table, for the first time in literally decades I'm kind of excited at the thought of maybe trying dating again myself, now that I know I can (and should) take sex completely off the table. It was such a stress before, dating wasn't worth the bother. But maybe finding a lovely ace or gray guy to hang out with would be just amazing. I've heard from a couple of aces that dating websites are starting to add "asexual" fields to their profiles which have helped them narrow down the field of prospects.

[Guest]

I like the concept of this musical called "And Juliet" because this version of Juliet is like a modern aromantic single by choice person who is aware of society changes, she is woke and she does not NEED Romeo. Very aromantic towards Romeo — I think it's super awesome because I'm aromantic. This Juliet character could be ace too but I'm not sure. I don't know every detail of the musical because I have not seen it yet but I know the general concept from a website, see below:

 

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/theatre-news/what-juliet-didnt-die-end-15729111

[Anommamous]

On 11/22/2019 at 8:54 PM, Catpaws said:

Holy crap, thank you so much for reposting this! It was a great read, and while I didn't identify 100% with all of it, so much of it resonates. I thought I was the only one who went "anthropological minded" when faced with bare body parts! I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one.

 

To bring something topical to the table, for the first time in literally decades I'm kind of excited at the thought of maybe trying dating again myself, now that I know I can (and should) take sex completely off the table. It was such a stress before, dating wasn't worth the bother. But maybe finding a lovely ace or gray guy to hang out with would be just amazing. I've heard from a couple of aces that dating websites are starting to add "asexual" fields to their profiles which have helped them narrow down the field of prospects.

I'm so glad it helped you ❤️ You do what makes you happy, and hopefully it'll work out.

As for identifying with things on the list; for a bunch of them, I'd read the header and thought "nah, this isn't me". Then I'd read the description and interpret it in a way that I could relate to. I was honestly surprised I was able to identify with it all.

 

[0000000000]

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[Sarah-Sylvia]

17 minutes ago, VeganFox said:

Wow hi I don't really idenfiy as a woman but I'm afab so I thought I'd post here because woo period talk I guess yeah

[...]

Wow yeah, well, it's something girls would talk about if there's a reason to, and it'd take someone asexual to understand the dilemma. Probably not my place to chime in, since I'm trans, and I havent quite understood your a/sexuality yet (feel free to explain it shortly, if you feel like it), but you get to decide your relationship with those processes of your body. Feeling aroused is not something bad, but probably because of something that you feel, it's that way for you. You might not be able to enjoy it if it feels like something sexual rather than personal with your body, but I'm sure there's a way to at least accept it. If there's something you can do about it though, of course it's worth it if you do care about that.
I try to accept my body, but at the same time I'm doing what I can to change things so I feel better about it. Not like I don't cry about how it is sometimes too though 😕
But we just do our best

[0000000000]

.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

48 minutes ago, VeganFox said:

Oh basically I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction from what I know but I do experience strong sensual, alterous, and aesthetic attraction towards females. Alterous attraction is basically in the blurry area between romantic and platonic. I don’t consider it romantic but it’s obviously not platonic either. So um yeah I thought that was the same as romantic and sexual attraction but apparently not. So I badly want a very close relationship with another female bodied person.

And ah I’m like idk how I feel about getting aroused??? it’s just very very annoying. But sometimes I just kind of give in and give my body what it wants I guess?? Warning tmi omg. But yeah sometimes I [...]

Anyone with menstrual cup experience please tell me how you prepare to put it in and how to get used to putting it in. And just how to get it in and also how to get it out and just what it feels like.

I see.  Thanks for the info, haha. Honestly doesn't bother me since I have no aversion to any of the sexual part. You're also not the first to not be sure what to do, there's asexuals who try to find what they can do with sex drive. I do wonder why there's aversion to it, since there's nothing wrong with something sexual, but that's coming from me since Im not opposed to it, but just understand it more as not being interested for the side of sexuality, unless i feel special about someone. It's good that you know yourself more now though, and that you feel better about your body. And remember even if guys catcall or anything, they're not allowed to do anything more. It's your life/body, your decisions.

Anyway, as for the pregnancy thing, I know it's an irrational fear, so I doubt I can say anything to help with that, but you really don't have to worry since it won't happen. Personally, at this stage of my life, I like the idea of pregnancy, if I were to be able to feel that aspect of womanhood, and more, but unfortunately I don't have the parts for it, having been born with the other set of chromosomes. But even just 'aesthetically' I would love to have the parts.

There are videos on youtube that you could learn from, for the menstrual cup (easy to do a search). It would be more visual so you'd learn a lot more from them I think.
Good luck

[Irony-flower]

On 11/29/2019 at 10:35 PM, VeganFox said:

Also kind of random but I want a menstrual cup but like I’m scared it will be too big and that I won’t be able to get it inside yeah just anything going far in there or anything bigger than my finger makes me kind of scared  because I can’t tell how deep it is I guess. And I can’t tell how far in something would be. So um I guess I’d just have to experiment?? But I’m scared that if I do get a cup that I won’t be able to get it inside of me.

Anyone with menstrual cup experience please tell me how you prepare to put it in and how to get used to putting it in. And just how to get it in and also how to get it out and just what it feels like.

Hey so I use menstrual cups. So here a few things I guess could be interesting for you. Menstrual cups exist in different sizes and I have a small one (7 ml) a medium one (15 ml) and a big one (25 ml). For me the big one is far to big to actually use. Also I don't really need a cup this big. I would say that especially in the begin start with a small one and if that is fine and you feel like you need a bigger one go up a size. Also the instructions say you can use lube if needed to make it easier to insert the cup, but I don't have lube so I never tried it. Also have you used tampons before? Menstrual cups should be positioned circa the same. But I also agree with the poster above. YouTube can really help to. 

[Guest]

 

[kite hunter]

On 7/12/2016 at 11:39 PM, m4rble said:

I really don't get why some people can't seem to understand asexuals even though almost everyone is asexual as a child.

That explains why the so often tend to treat us as immature. Kids with no real world experience to draw from.

[Bunniekittie22]

I just recently told my husband I am Asexual. But, I didn't get the support I was looking for. He called me a freak and told me "Everyone enjoys sex, you do too. "

[Catpaws]

17 hours ago, Bunniekittie22 said:

I just recently told my husband I am Asexual. But, I didn't get the support I was looking for. He called me a freak and told me "Everyone enjoys sex, you do too. "

Welcome to Aven, Bunniekittie!

 

I'm so sorry, his reaction must have been so hurtful. I'm glad you made it here; hopefully you've been able to look around a little and realize that he's so very wrong about "everyone" - there are a lot of us who absolutely aren't interested in and don't enjoy sex. You're in good company here, and you're definitely not alone.

[Ace Pilot]

On 11/11/2019 at 5:22 PM, PotatoWithLegs18 said:

I literally struggle from anxiety in meeting anyone romantically because I am constantly thinking about how I will eventually have to tell them I am asexual.  Like, I  don't necessarily want a relationship but at the same time I kind of do.  I have basically no friends living near me right now and I would love to have someone who gets me and I could share myself with beyond friendship.  Because of this anxiety now though, I have become so introverted and am having such a hard time meeting anyone.  I also feel like I am constantly pretending to be someone I am not around others...IDK if I really have a question here but I guess I just felt like sharing my feelings.  Does anyone have any thoughts or comments they feel like sharing or has anyone else dealt with serious social anxiety from being ace?  I also live in like the worst area when it comes to any queer acceptance... I have no groups or anything for support around me and I have even begun to shut myself off to my therapist because I just don't know how to really explain any of this or how I feel.  

Maybe someone out there can enlighten me to my own feelings because I for sure have no idea what I am doing with my life and I really want to do more than just work and read on my own but I also find it so hard.

 

P.S  I am also tired of my family making jokes about me not ever having a boyfriend and that they always question if I might be gay (not that theres anything wrong with that) but I am not homosexual I am asexual and I don't really want to have to share that with them becuase I know they will have a hard time understanding and I know they will begin to invalidate me with comments like you just haven't met the right person.   Like I honestly think they would be happier to hear that I am gay because then they would start wanting to help me find someone else. 

Also, my mom also thinks I have a libido problem or something already that I need help with and I know that she will hold on to that as my problem that can be fixed rather than accepting the reality.  

I just wish everyone around me wasn't so obsessed with romantic and sexual relationships like they are the only things that matter in life.

I just wish they could lay off me and stop asking me about guys and people I like.  Even though I know they worry about me being alone all my life.

I have social anxiety from being ace whenever I go see a gynecologist. My first gynecologist told me I should explore/masturbate so I’ll be ready for a sexual partner in the future. It was intensely uncomfortable for me because while it makes sense to understand my body better, my endgame isn’t sex. I ended up having a panic attack at the idea of going back to see her, so I switched gynecologists. But ever since then I’ve been anxious that the topic will come up. In the moment, I want to come out, but what if the gynecologist invalidates my identity? I’m way too insecure for that sh*t. 
 

Stay strong! We have your back! All that stuff (your sexual identity, your (lack of) libido, relationships, etc.) sounds like none of their gd business, unless you want to share that with them. It’s up to you how much or how little you share with your family about yourself. I know I can’t fix it, but I can send you virtual cake! 🍰

[glencora63]

Hello, Randomchaos! 

 

I'm new to the forum. I've always been asexual. I've known since childhood, but there was no recognition of asexuality. Ironically, I was drawn to the term asexual when I was very young. I'm convinced it was the Holy Spirit. At forty-eight years old, so much of my interaction with men and women now makes sense. The unwarranted hostility I experienced in my youth. The disconnect with my mother ( In part). I consider myself a eunuch for the kingdom.

Edited December 19, 2019 by glencora63

[Barbio]

Dear old people / anyone with the outdated view that women only exist to get married and have children,

 

When I say that I never want to experience pregnancy, please, please PLEASE don't tell me that "I might/will change my mind someday". Even when I was a kid, I could never picture myself getting pregnant, ever. I thought that maybe I would understand the appeal once I reached my sexual maturity, but now that I am past that age, the thought of getting pregnant is still one of my absolute biggest nightmares that I hope I never have to live out. I have a deep enough sense of myself now that I understand that this is very unlikely to change at any point in my life. I know that I am still young, but I am capable of thinking for myself and making decisions that a little bit of "sweet-talk" is not going to change. When you tell me that I'll change my mind one day, that signals to me that you don't believe in my ability to make long-term decisions for myself, and that hurts! Also, PLEASE, do not try to guilt trip me by saying that I am depriving my parents of having grandchildren by choosing not to conceive. You are not my parents, and even if you were, no one should never go into parenting with the expectation that your child will grow up to be fundamentally like you in every way and have similar aspirations in life when it comes to things like marriage and family. (Not to mention that, if I ever do decide to have kids, there are other ways of becoming a parent besides giving birth).

 

Sincerely,

-Not a baby-making machine

[cat mama]

oh I got one – today my mom suggested to me that I start taking 'the pill' so that when I'm sexually active I'll be prepared and won't have to worry about pregnancy & all that; the problem is that in her mind there is absolutely no good reason why I would disagree with that so I can't just be like, "I'll pass but thanks".... but GEE whiz it was hard for me not to just say that in all likelihood I ain't ever getting sexually active so no need! 

[Irony-flower]

Well if you don't wanna go the route of explaining your sexuality you could maybe just say that you don't want to take extra hormones if you don't necessarily need them but you will take them if the need arises. Maybe that will help? It's a good reason to wait I think. You could always look up what hormones do in the body. I currently don't have the best internet or I would have looked for better information.

[- Saph -]

On 12/21/2019 at 8:16 AM, cat mama said:

oh I got one – today my mom suggested to me that I start taking 'the pill' so that when I'm sexually active I'll be prepared and won't have to worry about pregnancy & all that; the problem is that in her mind there is absolutely no good reason why I would disagree with that so I can't just be like, "I'll pass but thanks".... but GEE whiz it was hard for me not to just say that in all likelihood I ain't ever getting sexually active so no need! 

Oral contraception is an easy suggestion for parents, a no-brainer. With this they may feel like they handle the situation witout the sex education part. I know because this is how I came to it and I regretted it ten years later. Now I would tell them to "talk to me" and to "trust me" first and foremost. If there really is a mess, there is still the morning after pill and other solutions.

There are plenty of good reasons to say no to the pill. First it does not protect against STDs so it gives a false sense of security. The pill is also not 100% reliable. Hormonal contraception in general may increase cardiovascular risk, you may gain weight (like for me), it may increase asthma/allergies (cost me extra antihistaminics for years), you may loose a lot of pleasure in the libido department (I completely lost it), it is expensive, it may take months - or years (like me) - for your body to recover its natural rythm when you will stop,...

Concerning the oral contraception there is another ecological disadvantage: when you are going to the toilet, most of the hormone dose goes straight to the rivers and causes endocrine disrupting pollution. The water treatment plants still struggle to get rid of these synthetic oestrogen chemicals. On top of disturbing the sex ratio in aquatic animal populations it may contribute to human male infertility via drinking water.

[Zenri]

So, hello... I just joined like ten minutes ago. I am a graysexual with revulsion to sex but completely down with most things around it. Like giving oral to a man or just messing with his bits, but I see this more as fun than sexual because penis's are funny and I am satisfied by getting them off. The only time I feel actually aroused is when a male touches my bare skin or when they are forceful with me. I had me a male friend with benifits that I would try things out with and decided to try sex just to make sure I didn't like it. I was correct in my asumption. Couldn't even get off. So, I crave a relationship with some fooling around but no sex. And I am not into my partner trying to get me off, it just doesn't work. I want to like sex and I have some intense fantasies I can get myself off to, but sex itself just makes me cringe and I feel bad because I can't really get into it and want to be done shortly after starting.

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 1/26/2020 at 5:47 AM, Zenri said:

I am a graysexual with revulsion to sex but completely down with most things around it.

Sex =/= PIV.

Oral sex is sex too and there's nothing wrong about, for example, being heterosexual and never having PIV.

 

And a question about something else: may I write a longer, and possibly slightly messy, rant? I again get the feeling of being Unthinkable as a woman who doesn't want to have sex ever and, in a way, "doesn't like sex" (because, while I have never had it, the idea of personally having sex makes me panic). The pressure to "like sex" is huge and an asexual perspective is completely missing from discussion about sexism (because my rant is related to this problem).

[everywhere and nowhere]

OK, I'll post my rant because it's a mess... all the aspects made me angry: the horrible sexism, but also the movie it's about and the way people comment it, which completely excludes women who don't like sex. I won't participate in that dicussion anyway because I don't have a facebook account, but I Need To Vent.

 

There is some movie called "365 Days". I haven't seen it and, by what I have read about it - definitely won't. People say that it's almost porn with pretensions of being Quality Cinema, and I dislike straight porn most. It's based on a novel, supposedly clearly inspired by "50 Shades of Grey" - and I hate BDSM, I find it scary and anti-arousing. However, even the sexual character of the movie doesn't excuse what a certain journalist, Roman Praszyński, has done to the lead actress, Anna Maria Sieklucka, in an interview. Several women working in the film industry - actresses, directors, scriptwriters - have protested against that interview and demanded that the journalist issues a public apology. Some fragments are below, I have translated it and shortened it a bit more. Caution: what he does is simply sexual harassment.

Quote

Spoiler

Praszyński: Do you like sex?
Sieklucka: How is that supposed to be relevant?
Praszyński: If you don't like sex, then what do you like?
(...)
P: Have you worn lingerie to the casting?
(...)
P: What about embarassment during nude scenes?
S: It was about overcoming embarassment every day. The first intimate scene was the hardest. (...) But it's the work of the whole team and we felt very safe and comfortable with them.
P: Did you drink in the evenings to forget?
(...)
P: Did you have thoughts like "What mess have I gotten myself into?" and "Where to escape?"
S: On the contrary. I knew the story, I had read the book. I felt comfortable during the shooting, much more than during this interview.
(...)
P: Do you have experience in sex?
S: And you?
P: Where were you born?
S: In Lublin. A magical city. (...)
P: Does it have any nightclubs?
(...)
P: Do you go to nudist beaches?
S: No.
P: Why?
S: I don't feel a need.
P: And have you ever bathed naked in the sea?
S: Never. Perhaps I will try.
P: So you don't feel comfortable about your body?
(...)
P: Have you fallen in love with the Italian actor, Michele Morrone?
S: In what sense?
Praszyński: Every. Emotional, passionate...
S: We have achieved a good relation between the two of us, which people sometimes take years to build. We have built trust and, I think I can say that, friendship. We act as if we have always known each other.
P: When people have sex with each other, there is always closeness involved.
S: We are actors, we have a professional approach to our work.
P: Would you like to have a boyfriend like Morrone? A protective Italian, good-looking, famous, rich, passionate.
S: I concentrate on what someone has in the heart. In the head.
P: So your boyfriend is lame, bald and has a beer belly?
S: My sweet secret.
P: Are you a lonely woman? (...)

 

On the other hand... even though Sieklucka is no barely adult girl, she's 27 years old, I feel that she might have been manipulated. There have been such cases: young actresses with no such experience cast in very "risqué" movies... and later they felt that their relative innocence had been abused, that older men making the movie made advantage of them not fully understading it all. Not to mention extreme cases, such as the porn actress Linda Lovelace, who later, after having divorced her husband who forced her to play in those scenes, said that "Every time people watch my films, they are seeing me being raped".

 

And on top of that... the discussion about the merits (or lack thereof) of the movie (and book) itself and whether it excuses such behaviour of the journalist. As I wrote - no, in my opinion it doesn't, it's simply victim blaming.

Some people have rightfully criticised the book for making abuse appear sexy, for really crossing the lines between supposed "BDSM" and actual abuse. And can you imagine what one woman wrote in response to another advancing such argument?

(Caution: it's really, really condescending. )

Quote

Spoiler

Oh, so you are one of those gentle in bed, and your husband must be a henpecked one. Jesus, I feel sorry for you. Rough sex is not rape. BDSM is not rape either. Please distinguish between terms, my dear.

 

Can you imagine?! Now for some people even NOT LIKING "ROUGH SEX" is a reason for mocking and shaming someone??!!!!!!!!!

Really, how have we arrived at this place? First "normalisation" of BDSM (and really, while I'm pretty much repulsed by it, I don't intend to tell others what kind of sex they might or might not have), then even promoting it (and here I feel certain: no, BDSM is not for everyone and if someone doesn't want to try it, they shouldn't be pushed)... and now even people who just don't like "rough sex" are shamed for supposedly not being "adventurous"?!!

I feel so alienated in such a reality: as a woman who doesn't have sex, doesn't desire sex, hates the idea of personally having sex, and indeed "doesn't like rough sex", even though, obviously, in my case only third-person fantasies count because I don't have sex or fantasies involving myself...

And I largely agree with criticism of that book and movie, I believe that if it looks like it was presented in these discussions, then such texts of culture are indeed harmful. They promote - as, of course, many others (it's a pity that I can't find a text I'm thinking about) - the idea that sexual violence is sexy, that a man who doesn't take "no" for an answer is "assertive" and that a woman never truly means "no"... They teach men to not care about other people's boundaries and teach women to be afraid of enforcing their own boundaries.

Do you know why straight sex is typically the most off-putting for me? Because I can't ignore the power imbalance. And we know that in many cases consent is not genuine: women may simply be afraid to say "no", too intimidated by men... (Which is one of the reasons why I really feel that at least for women who can do without sex, political celibacy is an option worth considering.) Good sex should be equal, without any doubt that both people are doing it out of their own, unconstrained will and not because they feel that they can't refuse. I have once written - and I stand by it - that in all cases when there is a clear power imbalance between the partners (due to factors such as gender, level of sexual experience, class, race, age...), the partner with the higher position should be proactive in assuring their partner that they only want to have sex if the other person truly wants it. I also believe that, to achieve conditions in which people will be more likely to speak freely about what they agree or don't agree to, our culture also must stop promoting such texts of culture which eroticise power imbalance. And this is, too, a part of my opinion on BDSM, which some people may disagree with: while I, generally, respect other people's preferences, I will never consider BDSM acultural, I will never think of a preference for BDSM or "just rough sex" supposedly being "natural" (in a sense close to "inborn"), happening in a cultural void, without influence from the outside. And because of this I feel that in a lot of cases people find power play arousing because all this cultural influence has told them that power is sexy.

[Squarebillies]

On 10/29/2019 at 8:03 PM, cynjo said:

Guys, I don't know how you will feel about this, but maybe someone will understand me. I consider myself to be completely asexual and heteromantic, but I am kind of grey ace about kissing. I don't know if I want to kiss. I used to like to kiss the guy I was in love with, but now I'm not in love with him and I don't like kissing him. Maybe I'm an asexual demi-kisser. I don't know if I think it sounds great, or in reality a disgusting thing? Does anyone else struggle with this?

Never heard it before but now I would consider myself a "asexual demi-kisser" but have no idea because I've not been put in that situation. I think that I would feel the pressure to kiss because its do typical but if I present how I feel beforehand I hope its not a problem. If that person is not understanding, that's on them.  I would probably struggle if I found it disgusting because I'd have to reevaluate the whole kissing thing then.  

[everywhere and nowhere]

There's nothing "non-ace" about liking kisses. Kissing is not sex, it's a sensual activity. Some people like it, some don't, either is fine. I don't think that it necessarily needs a label of its own (it's another situation in which an explanation is really easier than trying to make a label out of that), but it's a fact that - just like with other interpersonal interactions, from making friends to sex - for some people it comes easy and others may feel repulsed about fairly intimate interaction with someone for whom they feel nothing.

I have never had a kiss other than a familial "peck" (an even that is rare - my family got used to the fact that I don't enjoy kissing, have very little need for physical contact, so they stopped trying to kiss me), but still I think that in a relationship I could be fine with kissing. Just no nude activities, this is out of the question.

[Ciki]

Hi fellow females!

 

I'm not really a women,i'm more of a teenager but i hope i'm still welcome in here😊💖

[deletingthisaccount]

On 10/29/2019 at 11:59 AM, DarkStormyKnight said:

Ugh why do people (99.9% of the time men) always think that it's cool to ask/say extremely personal things to queer women in general, and ace women in particular? Like 80% of the time when I come out to a dude his first question is "do you masturbate?" followed up by "have you had sex?" none of your business maaannnnn!

Once when I came out, this one guy (who I was friends with, but not a close friend -- and he also wanted in my pants) asked me if I had been abused as a child. First of all, NO. Second of all, who thinks that's an acceptable question to ask?!?!?!?! Granted, he was also drunk, but still...