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Asexual Women

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MiffKeks
5 hours ago, NicoleHolmes said:

Looking for a little advice. I have never had a pap smear, even though I know they are important for detecting cancer, because I am averse to penetration. I have never had sex. I have never used a tampon. I've tried but the thought made my stomach hurt, I felt nauseated, and panicky. I have been told that pap smear doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable, but that it is more uncomfortable for virgins. I have also heard that it is easier if you relax your muscles, but I become so anxious and sick just thinking about it, that there's no way I could relax my muscles. Does anyone else struggle with this? And do you have any suggestions for overcoming it? I may just go without pap smears and hope I never have a problem down there. I honestly feel sick after just typing this. Please help.

I perfectly understand where you're coming from. And there aren't many tips to be given, I fear. There is just two things I can come with right now, or three:

 

1) Take someone, you feel comfortable around, with you (someone that even holds your hand if necessary, so nobody who's just complaining about you being afraid.)

2) Wear a skirt. (My aunt has given me this one and I can agree that it makes woman feel less "naked" which helps to decrease the discomfort)

3) Routine. The first time is the scariest part in a lot of things. But the more often you had a pap smear, the less it affects you. It might not get rid of feeling sick completely (I, too, am still somewhat afraid of the dentist although there are no more procedures that could be worse than what I've already had...,).

 

Oh, and I just came up with 4) Prepare a reward! It can be anything from sweets to a new accesoire of your phone. Or a good cup of tea/coffee with a person you like (maybe the same one that came with you from 1)).

 

Please know that you're not alone with these worries!

🤗 Let me give you a hug.

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thequietplace

Ditto I have never had one for these reasons and don't intend to - I guess same, just cross fingers and hope for the best? It isn't particularly clever but the alternative is just 'hell no'.

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Aloney

Oh, I've had a PAP once, as a part of a vaccine study 😅 Not the most pleasant thing, no, and I was definitely nervous and also embarrassed myself in my head (just a friendly tip, you're supposed to rest the back of your knees on those leg hold things, not the feet 😅), but it didn't hurt, exactly. And it's over in a jiffy. When they asked if I wanted to test for STDs, I almost snorted, being a virgin and not having had any relationships prior nor later 😂 But I think I did let them test for them, anyway. I guess it could have been useful for the study, at least..? 

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NicoleHolmes
2 hours ago, Aloney said:

Oh, I've had a PAP once, as a part of a vaccine study 😅 Not the most pleasant thing, no, and I was definitely nervous and also embarrassed myself in my head (just a friendly tip, you're supposed to rest the back of your knees on those leg hold things, not the feet 😅), but it didn't hurt, exactly. And it's over in a jiffy. When they asked if I wanted to test for STDs, I almost snorted, being a virgin and not having had any relationships prior nor later 😂 But I think I did let them test for them, anyway. I guess it could have been useful for the study, at least..? 

How long did it take?

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DarkStormyKnight

Yeah I just had my first PAP smear over the summer and while it wasn't fun, it was over with quickly. I thought I'd have to get into asexuality with my doctor but she was perfectly understanding about how I haven't had sex and don't want to in the future. My entire appointment was done in about 30 minutes, and the PAP itself probably took a minute if that, it is very quick. I was also very anxious and uncomfortable and actually cried a little afterwards because I just felt really vulnerable but hey I did it and it's done. :)

 

Pro tip: apparently people who don't have sex/never have had sex only need to get them every 3 years instead of every year! Huzzah!

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Aloney
14 hours ago, NicoleHolmes said:

How long did it take?

Yeah as @DarkStormyKnight said, the whole appointment was probably half an hour at most, of which the actual smear was like a minute. So, quick! :) 

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thequietplace

you could maybe save yourself some paps if you are a virgin as I think HPV can now be vaccinated against before you are sexually active? Don't take my word for it, do talk to your doc but that might help some people here

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NicoleHolmes

Thanks everyone. I had the same problem as a kid when I had to get a strep test, dental x-rays, or bloodwork. 😕 Any type of penetration. And this is even worse because its a, um, sensitive area. It's good to know the test is that quick, that might make it more bearable. And I would definitely have to treat myself afterwards. Honestly I will probably have a panic attack. Only in the last few years have I been able to get blood drawn without vomiting. Stil have to sit in the lab chair and do deep breaths for a few minutes once it's over, sometimes with an ice pack on my neck, because my blood pressure goes crazy.

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Disco_Tilly

Hey, @NicoleHolmes I'm sorry you are experiencing so much anxiety! 

 

One thing I thought of is to also communicate with your doctor about how you feel beforehand. They may be able to offer a solution or something to help you feel more comfortable. Also, if you don't like the way your doctor responds to your concerns and anxiety, then feel free to reach out to another doctor! I went to an OBGYN that did their job just fine, but then they lectured me about my diet and exercise regimen. As someone struggling with an eating disorder and trying to make it into recovery at the time, I really didn't appreciate that and it made me really uncomfortable. I talked with some of my female friends and a friend of mine told me about how she had some problems with her old OBGYN and then she found another one who she absolutely loves and feels comfortable with. So, I went to the new OBGYN she found and she was amazing. I loved her, too! I felt like I could talk with her about concerns like I couldn't with any OBGYNs I've had in the past. 

 

I hope this helps and you find someone you are comfortable with! 

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Snao van der Cone

Just a random and obnoxious note, "pap" isn't an acronym for anything so it doesn't need to be all capitalized. You can capitalize the first letter if you want, though, because it is named after someone (a man, naturally :rolleyes:).

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Hermit Advocate

I've been thinking more and more about getting a consultation to see if I could get sterilized. Only real concern is insurance, I'm not entirely sure if they'd cover it. 

 

Even though I am not "sexually active" or have any intentions of being, the idea of getting pregnant is just horrifying to me. 

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Snao van der Cone

There's a lot to consider medically. The hormones that are part of the fertility system affect other parts of health, and different methods will have different outcomes. It's tricky because online research in medical things isn't always the best quality information, yet asking a doctor often comes with judgment for all the non-medical reasons this is discouraged. I know other AVENites have gone through this, though, so it's possible. 

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daveb

Do you mean something like tubal ligation? I know a woman who had that done some years ago (after having children, and later, a couple of miscarriages).

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Jocasta

On the topic of pap smears -- is there any reason for a woman who has never been sexually active to get one? From what I've read, the pap test can only detect cervical cancer caused by HPV; it doesn't work for the other, rarer, types. So unless they're sharing needles or something like that, I don't think it's necessary for virgins*...

 

* not a big fan of this word but didn't want to make my post too repetitive

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Moony Lovegood

Bleh. I've been putting off getting a pap smear done for a decade now.

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Moony Lovegood

@Jocasta That's good to know.

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NicoleHolmes
1 hour ago, Jocasta said:

On the topic of pap smears -- is there any reason for a woman who has never been sexually active to get one? From what I've read, the pap test can only detect cervical cancer caused by HPV; it doesn't work for the other, rarer, types. So unless they're sharing needles or something like that, I don't think it's necessary for virgins*...

 

* not a big fan of this word but didn't want to make my post too repetitive

I second this question. My doctor is obliged to push me to get one but I wonder if it is actually worth the trauma?

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Snao van der Cone

I think one reason doctors push for all cervix-havers to have paps is because it's a very low-risk test, and given that people can (and do) easily lie about sexual activity, they can at least test it just to be safe. Trauma you may get from it is a very valid concern, though, and doctors should acknowledge that and work through that with you, whether you end up getting one or not.

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Hermit Advocate

Ideally I'd like to have a full hysterectomy, but I know that a doctor won't go for that. Wish I could donate my uterus and tubes to some poor woman who wants kids but can't have them.

 

But yeah, I would like to get my tubes tied, burned, mangled, whatever makes sure that nothing can get up there. 

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confusedbat

I got a very short boyish pixie cut slightly buzzed in the back that I'm happy with. I have gotten lots of compliments. But I have also experienced some homophobic hostility from random people when I go out. This woman screamed a slur at me in a parking lot the other day which was kind of unnerving. I have always loved the look of short hair, and I find this easier to manage. I would like to grow it out a little more in the back, but I have a feeling I might keep it pretty short as having longer hair in the past caused me a lot more frustration. 

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a fancy fish
On 9/7/2019 at 4:46 PM, thequietplace said:

you could maybe save yourself some paps if you are a virgin as I think HPV can now be vaccinated against before you are sexually active? Don't take my word for it, do talk to your doc but that might help some people here

Yeah last year every girl in my year group (13 year olds) got a vaccination for it. 

We were told that it was still ideal to get a pap smear when we're older despite being vaccinated though

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gray-a girl
On 7/14/2016 at 7:26 AM, Randomchaos said:

I'm sorry for your loss, I have never understood the religious thing about being fruitful. Thankfully my parents interpret it as when you get to know someone if they show interest try to explain your faith to them, but they still think that a relationship is important.

Maybe get your eggs saved if having your own kids is important to you? That way in the future you wouldn't need your ovaries and if you wanted to give birth they could just implant the fertilized ovum into your womb? (science is amazing :) )

The “be fruitful and multiply thing” actually has way more to do with increasing the numbers in your religion than anything else. That’s why it’s there. Most people when they have kids will raise them as the religion that they are. (Most people don’t think for themselves they just accept what they are taught as kids when it comes to religion). So the kids will be of the same religion. So if two Jewish people, for example, have five kids... that just increased the number of adherents to the religion by five. Now just imagine if everyone of that religion was encouraged to have a lot of kids. (Many religions do this).

 

I can’t remember which religion it was, but I remember hearing that the fastest growing religion in the US was growing so fast not because of converts, but because people of that religion were having more babies.

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Shiloh_Rose
2 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

The “be fruitful and multiply thing” actually has way more to do with increasing the numbers in your religion than anything else. That’s why it’s there. Most people when they have kids will raise them as the religion that they are. (Most people don’t think for themselves they just accept what they are taught as kids when it comes to religion). So the kids will be of the same religion. So if two Jewish people, for example, have five kids... that just increased the number of adherents to the religion by five. Now just imagine if everyone of that religion was encouraged to have a lot of kids. (Many religions do this).

 

I can’t remember which religion it was, but I remember hearing that the fastest growing religion in the US was growing so fast not because of converts, but because people of that religion were having more babies.

For my church-if they still have this kind of thinking about kids at least, I only remember the one sermon much from several years ago(5+)-it was more a part of literally god has control of your whole life, you need to trust him with literally everything. So if you're 'planning' for a child, you're not leaving it to him, really, if you're only waiting until you are financially able and have everything set up all nice, etc. (but maybe its not a thing anymore, because some have def. 'waited' (apparently???)) at least a couple years) And that yes many kids is a blessing from god, and stuff. They are still very, very big on basically yes okay we have brains and don't ask god what kinda cereal you should have for breakfast but yes god literally should be involved in absolutely everything and has the final say and like... it is and will always be all about him and not about you and literally... ugh.
And of course none of that means shite if you don't believe and/or also you can't even 'hear him' anyway sooo
We do have a lot of kids at my church. A lot.
Hopefully by the time I hopefully have a partner, I'm long gone from there though. Drop by for a 'visit' like once every couple years would be fine cause I'd miss some of their faces, but I don't want to have to go ever again once I'm gone.

ugh ffs I do not want children. >..<
I am so friggin paranoid about that, especially cause it is such a thing as everyone and myself have said here before, so many people go 'oh but when you're older' or 'oh but gods plan for your life'... and its so ingrained and so automatic and you(I've) heard it so many dang times its like. It just grows into this horrible thing like its inevitable. And I hate that. So much for choice. Would be super traumatic and I do not want it I don't f#cking CARE if 'gods plan will be for me to have babies' he can shove that back up his. But its still 'there' like some kinda d#mn boogie monster thing under the bed... like suddenly *POUNCE/spring* I'm pregnant somehow even though I never want sex and don't want children! somehow, 'because god'! ffsssssss
(sorry, comin' down from a meltdown from earlier...)

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GlamRocker
On 9/11/2019 at 7:58 PM, Jocasta said:

On the topic of pap smears -- is there any reason for a woman who has never been sexually active to get one? From what I've read, the pap test can only detect cervical cancer caused by HPV; it doesn't work for the other, rarer, types. So unless they're sharing needles or something like that, I don't think it's necessary for virgins*...

 

* not a big fan of this word but didn't want to make my post too repetitive

Would it even be necessary for someone who has had sex before many years ago, but is negative for HPV and hasn't been sexually active since? I ask this because not only does this describe my situation, but probably a lot of asexual women's situation. Are some asexual women being put through unnecessary tests because doctors won't admit this?

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Firefly8
6 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

Would it even be necessary for someone who has had sex before many years ago, but is negative for HPV and hasn't been sexually active since? I ask this because not only does this describe my situation, but probably a lot of asexual women's situation. Are some asexual women being put through unnecessary tests because doctors won't admit this?

Good questions!
Over 99% (I can't find any evidence of anyone getting it without HPV, but this is what I've read) of cervical cancers are caused by the HPV virus. If you have ever had any skin to skin contact (hand, mouth, genital, whatever) with another person's genitals, it is possible to have HPV. The tests, while very accurate are definitely not perfect, but it's up to you if the odds are worth the risk. Tests also have a small risk of false positives leading to unnecessary procedures that have their own risks, so it's a game of risk vs benefit statistics on both sides. 

IMHO, for me personally as a virgin and never-smoker, and after looking at the statistics of the risks and benefits of testing, I am going to refuse pap smears and HPV testing. If I had any type of sexual contact in the past just once, I would take pause (especially if I had completed the HPV vaccines), but I think I would continue to be tested anyway given the seriousness of cancer and the recommendations from people that know more than I do. 

I definitely think ALL people, even sex-repulsed asexuals, should get the HPV vaccine. There are very very very few risks associated with the vaccine. It is possible in the future that a person's identity or what they are comfortable with doing can change. The possiblity of future rape and sexual assault cannot be ignored either.

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LVG

So one of the office ladies asked me out of the blue "So when are you getting married?" I calmly replied, "Probably never." She didn't really know how to respond to that and walked away. So always asks me probing questions like that. She even once told me I was mean because I didn't want kids. Some people...

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Hermit Advocate

@LVG I hate it when coworkers act like they just know that you'll want to get married and have kids because that's what they did. The first time is kind of excusable, if they don't know that you're not interested in marriage or having children. But doing that again is just plain rude. 

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dee615
On 2/16/2019 at 12:39 PM, Kelthepurplequeen said:

Me: I don’t want kids.

Assholes: lol u will change ur mind 1 day!!!11!!1

Me: Fuck off.

This is a supreme example of " mansplaining ", by a man who claims to know your hidden yearnings better than you. 

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Snao van der Cone
19 minutes ago, dee615 said:
On 2/16/2019 at 1:39 PM, Kelthepurplequeen said:

Me: I don’t want kids.

Assholes: lol u will change ur mind 1 day!!!11!!1

Me: Fuck off.

This is a supreme example of " mansplaining ", by a man who claims to know your hidden yearnings better than you. 

I tend to hear this particular thing more from women, particularly women who are older than me and have children of their own. But of course there are men who say similar things. I think in general people who have gone through a very typical life are more likely to say things like that. Maybe they are less likely to have had to examine it deeply if what is deemed "normal" felt okay with them, so they just assume almost everyone will come around to the same conclusion. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Anommamous

Hello, all! I only recently started researching asexuality, and it made me wish I had done it a long time ago. I had never even considered that asexuality could be on a spectrum; I figured you either were or you weren't.

Since puberty, due to the culture I was immersed in my whole life, I assumed it was normal for men to be super sexual and women to not be enthusiastic about it but have to put up with it.

I was 14 when I first had sex, (and only realized a couple years ago that the guy was very manipulative, but that's another story). To date I've had 9 sexual partners, which to me feels like a LOT. I often feel like I have a lot of sex, until I compare it to how others portray their sex lives. In all this time of having sex, I've never actually wanted sex to satisfy physical desires. It's always been to please my partners; and I've very often wished it wasn't necessary.

Additionally, I do enjoy sexual humor, but it never even occurred to me until about an hour ago that someone could actually be aroused by such; and I've never understood how people could be sexually attracted to others based solely on appearances.

In beginning research on asexuality, I'm finally realizing that I don't necessarily have to have a sexual partner. I'm only just realizing that, based on my research, I'd actually identify as gray-a demisexual. Honestly, if I knew I never had to have sex again, I'd be delighted.

Sorry if this is too long and disorganized; I'm just trying to capture some of the thoughts that have gone through my head these past few days.

 

TL;DR

Some life background; In researching the topic, I'm only just realizing that I'm at all not a sexual person.

 

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