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On 7/13/2016 at 2:00 AM, Quoth The Raven said:

I get annoyed when people like my parents for instance, occasionally suggest to others that I'll get married or have kids one day. Because I always pop right in and tell the person that I'm not and that the only thing they're going to get is grandkittens, if that. And yet the person always acts like I'm joking. Why do they all think I'm joking and going to change my mind eventually?

I used to never think I'd get a boyfriend either, so I suppose in one way that may be a reason why, but still. That and no one in my family knows I'm ace because I don't know how they'd react about it. And they don't 'get' anything in the LGBT+ spectrum. Though I don't think they even know ace is a thing, which makes it a little worse.

I'm so sorry. This situation sounds incredibly annoying.

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Unfortunately, quite recently I have discovered that some of my friends are rather narrow-minded when it comes to sex and relationships. My friend (who is a straight cis woman) said that "everyone likes sex" and "You will see when you find yourself a boyfriend". She doesn't take into account other sexual orientations, same with my other friend (straight cis man) who believes that any sexual orientation, other than heterosexual, is "a mental illness". I just had to end "friendship" with these two people, even though we have known each other for quite a long time...Guess they have just changed as they are now both in committed relationships (good for them!) and they do not see the world around them...I was very upset after our last meeting but I realised that cutting contact with them will be for the best.

To be honest, I do not plan getting into relationships because most of guys expect sex. I am totally not interested in that, not interested in any sexual acts, taking birth control, worrying about pregnancy/STIs...I feel happy being single, as far as I have some people around me (like friends, but only true friends not narrow-minded bigots...) and hobbies. My study, work and hobbies take up most of my time anyway so it would be quite difficult for me to find time for dating. My grandmother joked that I will end up as a "crazy cat lady" and "forever alone"...But I would rather be "forever alone" than stuck in an unhappy marriage as she was. I value platonic relationships, I think friends are very important, but it seems that people just don't think this way. 🤷‍♀️

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skymessenger

My friends are accepting.  I think they saw that coming a mile away since I never talked about crushes or romance.  
My mother took a bit to understand what it meant but she's accepting.  She did tell my aunt who knew a co-worker who was the same.  Both are supportive.  No one said anything to my brother, cousins or grandpa though they probably do suspect something.  Never had a partner or talk about dating prospects so they might know I prefer the single life.  No one has said anything so let's assume it so.
And co-workers talk about dating or setting me up with someone but the general consensus I've heard is they think I'm career-oriented.  I haven't said anything nor do I feel I need to.

 

I'm happy on my own.  I have friends, family and my adorable kitty.  I can be there for people when they need me most.  And I think I want to devote my life to helping others and improving the world little bit at a time.  Right now I'm tutoring in inner-city schools (though I may have to leave at some point due to stress and health reasons).  I'd like to be a part of the museums tour groups, work community farmers markets, volunteer at shelters, do little things to help the community.  I can eventually write books and travel the world too.  MAYBE I could adopt a kid if I really wanted.  Or just be a devoted aunt, should my brother want kids.  It took a few years but I realized that I can find fulfillment in life without sex or relationships.  Society shoves those in our faces, saying we need it.  However, if we were meant to breed, we wouldn't have evolved past amoebas.  

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On 7/13/2016 at 12:59 AM, m4rble said:
On 7/13/2016 at 12:50 AM, WitchUnicorn said:

It's pretty funny watching people ask me whether or not I want to be in a relationship despite wearing an asexual pride outfit.

In a sexualised society, relationships and sex are pretty much mandatory and God help you if you don't want that. And being a female who doesn't want a relationship makes everyone think that you had an abusive boyfriend or you're a bloody nun.

Also as a female asexual, we also have the added bonus of MENSTRUATION! That's right, that godforsaken hellhole in which Lucifer provides a week-long blood thunderstorm in. It's hilarious because I, as an asexual, do not experience sexual attraction and am sex-repulsed, have almost no need of monthly torture.

I think the need for monthly torture has more to do with wanting children than wanting sex. Then again, being able to turn ovulation on and off would be a much better option even for those who want children.

I really wish we could "turn it off" somehow... It brings me nothing but pain, discomfort, and spending money on menstrual products and pain killers. Even though I switched to using a menstrual cup + menstrual underwear, it doesn't feel like it helps that much significantly cost-wise since I'm still needing pantyliners at least to help with leaks. :( Plus it gets annoying and uncomfortable to have to "dig in" to change the cup every few hours, so I end up switching back to regular pads halfway through the week lol.

 

For pretty much all my life, I hated having a vagina so badly, I wondered if I could have been transgender, and even considered getting HRT and sex change to get rid of it, but never went through with it. I am still very unsure about my gender to be honest (though I may just be agender or genderfluid?).
Also I remember years ago I even got obsessed with thinking about hysterectomy, reading all over about it, but well, it's not like I could ever afford it (currently have no income), and there's always the tiny chance I might someday want a biological child, as well as the many risks involved in such a surgery, so that is a no-go for me.

 

Edited by Kohagura
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Emi68912706
23 hours ago, Kohagura said:

I really wish we could "turn it off" somehow... It brings me nothing but pain, discomfort, and spending money on menstrual products and pain killers. Even though I switched to using a menstrual cup + menstrual underwear, it doesn't feel like it helps that much significantly cost-wise since I'm still needing pantyliners at least to help with leaks. :( Plus it gets annoying and uncomfortable to have to "dig in" to change the cup every few hours, so I end up switching back to regular pads halfway through the week lol.

I totally wish it was something I could turn off too. I have no interest in having children, yet have to go through this misery every month. You may not be using the right size cup or be putting it in incorrectly if you're still getting leaks. Are you sure it's in all the way and do you spin it to make sure it's fully open? Since switching to a cup, I have not had any issues with leaking which I can't say was my previous experience with tampons, even the super plus ones. You can also leave the cup in for up to 12 hours. Maybe try a different brand? I use Diva cup and I spent a lot of time online prior to buying it reading reviews and blogs about correct sizing and the different brands. 

 

ETA: Birth control can also help reduce flow and lessen cramps. I have to be on it to help with my PCOS symptoms and it does work even though I hate having to take hormones all the time. 

Edited by Emi68912706
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@Kohagura @Emi68912706  Hormones can change you deeply and not always in the way that you would expect. My advice would be to discuss this with several doctors before taking any decision. Unfortunately some obgyns are not open-minded towards women and even less towards (a)sexual minorities.

In some countries, deliberate medical acts leading to sterility of a woman who did never bear child may also be strongly regulated by law. In this domain, sex change may actually be easier then trying to get rid of gender.

I am not a health professional and every body is different but this is my personal experience:

  • Flooding of female hormones for 10 years: I was 99% ace while taking hormonal contraception: the pill , then the ring - a true libido killer, 80% anorgasmic. My cycle was much better but I actually had other diffuse problems. At that time I did not really link them with hormonal contraception.
  • Natural balance female for 10 years: I have stopped the pricey and technically useless 😉 medication after seing the damage of contraceptive pill to our environment. My body took years to recover. I am now closer to 90% ace and only 5% anorgasmic thanks to the natural testosterone. My cycle phase clearly influences my health and sexual attraction. Menstrual cramps are true hell but some health problems have disappeared: better skin unlike advertised, better blood circulation, much less sentitive to allergies. I am looking for a solution to menstrual pains that would not affect negatively the rest of my life or change who I am.
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TheFoxDenArtist

Sup, I don’t know if girls count in this but hey what the heck I’ll reply! My parents don’t like the fact that I’m asexual partly because they expect me to have child’s someday. (Who knows, maybe I’ll adopt one someday??)

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On 5/29/2019 at 4:19 PM, LVG said:

I'd get a full hysterectomy if it didn't mean premature menopause. I'm not keen on the idea of hormone therapy. 

Same. I'm not worried about the reproductive side because just no, I'd do it for the never again periods side. 

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On 6/5/2019 at 10:19 PM, sallimae76 said:

I hate when people equate asexuals as closet gays. We have a distinct separate identity.

Lol. I know, but I find this funny, because I can legit say "yep, I'm gay (technically biromantic) as well as asexual" and then they'll be confused.

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I'm a very lucky person because I've finally founda guy that respects that I'm asexual and also never questioned it or made me feel ashamed because lf it. We compromise when it comes to the romance side of things. We cuddle and hug a lot, but we don't kiss or engage in sex. I've been in some really bad relationships (pre-discovery), where I was shamed for who I was and pressured into doing things I didn't want to. So I know I'm lucky to have found him. 

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On 6/2/2019 at 6:06 PM, TheFoxDenArtist said:

Sup, I don’t know if girls count in this but hey what the heck I’ll reply! My parents don’t like the fact that I’m asexual partly because they expect me to have child’s someday. (Who knows, maybe I’ll adopt one someday??)

Hey, adoption is always a great option! It's really tough, but it's definitely great. 

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I grew up in the Christian Church and I gotta say, for sex to be so taboo in the church, they sure are obsessed with it. I grew up being taught that if I wanted to hold a boy’s hand that I’d want to have sex (how absolutely ridiculous right?) and I believed that lie despite really not wanting it. I never got why the girls always swooned over the boys or vice versa. And I sure as heck didn’t get sex jokes because my parents kept me out of sexual education classes on “religious grounds” and because I didn’t give a crap about sex. As a pastor’s kid other kids just assumed I was a goodie two shoes who would tattle if they did anything “unrighteous.”

Now I know there are different types of attractions and that I don’t really experience sexual attraction. Sensual? Sure. Aesthetic? Abso-friggen-lutely. I’m not always sex repulsed (my husband and I do have a kid) but I sure as heck don’t feel like I NEED sex. 

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For a while I've been wondering if there's something wrong with me. Years questioning myself because of how I feel. 

It's so confusing when all my friends and acquaintances talk about how much they NEED and WANT to be in a relationship and have sex. Since I was in sixth grade I couldn't understand that feeling and it made me feel so weird so I faked it "Yeaaaah soooo hot and niiiice". Even today EVERYONE I know or meet asks me about past relationships and then proceed to tell me that I'll someday change my mind and end up with a boyfriend, later married and with children like it's my destiny. RIGHT because I'm a female with a uterus. 

First, shame on you for assuming that all women are heterosexual. Second, just because I can have children doesn't mean I have to. Third, good to know that you're a psych and can show me my future. Tell me, will I have a dog too? Cause I want a cat but I guess I can't choose, right? 

I'm so glad I was able to found a community that I can identify with. I seriously thought that I was sick like a hormonal deficit or something like it. 

I see I'm not the only one struggling with everyone's expectation of what I should do and who I should become. 

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On 7/23/2016 at 6:58 PM, Autumn Season said:

Hm, what if mom is paying so much attention to my looks because I came out to her as asexual? Or maybe appearance is simply important to her and since I'm her child she takes it personally.

More and more of my friends are starting a family nowadays, which is totally fine with me. I'm honestly happy for them. Since I don't want to hurt any parent's feelings, I try not to say that I find pregnancy disgusting and children... well, they're OK. But that's about it.

Recently I was in a group of non-(about to be)-parents, so I dared to say out loud how I view pregnancy. One agreed a little, the other completely disagreed and one jokingly threatened to tell my future children how I never wanted to have them. *grumpy face* I wished it was easier to talk about living a non-traditional life.

Same. Most of the times I prefer to keep to myself what I think instead of having full on discussion for hours to convince someone that I'm not part of the traditional life. It's exhausting and annoying because I end up feeling small, down and invalidated. It sucks. Why can't people around me try to understand how I feel? I always do my best to emphasise with people while the rest force me to quit fighting for myself and end up saying "Yeah, I guess you might be right. We'll see". I hate that. It makes me feel awful. I know it's not like that and I shouldn't just give up but it's so hard sometimes. I know who I am so I guess I have no need to prove it to narrow-minded people.

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I have never been so disgusted in my life by all of the world's obsession with sex. I didn't have a neeed for a man and one day I got curious about sex but I didn't really want to have sex I just wanted to experiment because I didn't have any experience.. And because our society makes it seem shameful I felt had to come up with this "excuse" that I wanted children. Because that is seen as a "valid" excuse for women to date.

 

I eventually ended up getting married and I don't like sex. It was a necessary evil in my opinion. Maybe I didn't like it because we really didn't love each other. Once he "tried me out" and realized I actually was a virgin and didn't have any experience he nice facade deteriorated and he began having sex with his ex which was a escape for me cause I didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't like sex. I didn't like him. It was a win win situation.

 

Maybe it was the controlling abusive behavior, but I did not like sex with him especially since I really didn't appreciate how argumentative he was and all the lies he told. To be honest I could've never gotten "married" -I use the term loosely because on paper we were married but we weren't married in mind body and spirit. I think I was more looking for companionship or a cuddle buddy out of loneliness. But after this whole ordeal of getting a divorce and constantly facing public redicule for not having sex and then hypocritically being persecuted for just CUDDLING with two guys before I met my husband in all my 40 years not even having sex with anyone. 

 

I don't get why all this obsession with sex. It's not even that great. I think having a close relationship is nice to have but even then I only like cuddling. 

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On 6/5/2019 at 11:19 PM, sallimae76 said:

I hate when people equate asexuals as closet gays. We have a distinct separate identity.

Exactly. If you don't like having sex with ANYBODY AT ALL then how can they jump to the conclusion that you're sexually attracted to the same sex? Unless you only feel romantic attraction to the same sex. But you would have to make that declaration in order for it to be an established fact. I've been mistreated by women so long that it's inconceivable that I would be attracted to the same sex even though I'm sickened by the male chauvinism that dominates our society. We might as well all be barefoot and chained to a stove the way men act like women don't have the right to make decisions about their own bodies. I'm physically attracted to men but I don't want sex from them. Especially since they hate women so much. I married and divorced a man who secretly hated me. I would pee on his grave if he ever died because he was so disgusting in all his lies. He was the biggest liar I ever met and glad to get away from.

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Not all men hate women. I understand you had a bad experience, but let's please not generalize.

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On 3/20/2019 at 12:59 PM, Lisa Smith said:

My favourite child free moment is when I go for Smear tests (Pap smear in the US? Pelvic exam?) Every time I go the nurse (always different each time) will make comments about how this will all be easier once I've had kids. Every time I state I don't want children. I get a snotty 'We'll see' or 'You'll change your tune'. I'm 35, I think I know by now. 

The worst was a woman who said 'But what if you meet someone beautiful and would have beautiful babies?' Because that's a great reason to bring a new life into the world! I don't get the 'selfish' argument. Having kids is selfish. The planet is over populated and struggling as it is, the last thing it needs is more humans! But I'm selfish because I'm not adding to it? I do not understand this train of thought x

Sorry, I know this was posted a while ago, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who keeps getting told I'll change my mind about not wanting kids. I understand why a lot of women do want to have children, but it's never been something I wanted for myself. When I started saying that I was still a teenager, so I suppose it was understandable when people thought I would change my mind back then. But it's been eleven years now, and no matter how many reasons I give people (I have quite a few), some people are just so dismissive about it. My favorite was the time I mentioned it in a conversation (as an adult), and a teenage boy (16, I think) overheard and immediately said, "Oh no, you'll have kids." I was shocked. I suppose he was just expressing an opinion handed down by family and culture, but most of the people who've told me I'll change my mind are men, and honestly it gets really aggravating. If a woman who's been pregnant tells me that it's easier to understand, because she's experienced the positives as well as the negatives. But the men who've told me that have never been pregnant, so I don't understand why some of them seem to think they know so much about it. 

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. 

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11 hours ago, Solitude& said:

Exactly. If you don't like having sex with ANYBODY AT ALL then how can they jump to the conclusion that you're sexually attracted to the same sex? Unless you only feel romantic attraction to the same sex. But you would have to make that declaration in order for it to be an established fact. I've been mistreated by women so long that it's inconceivable that I would be attracted to the same sex even though I'm sickened by the male chauvinism that dominates our society. We might as well all be barefoot and chained to a stove the way men act like women don't have the right to make decisions about their own bodies. I'm physically attracted to men but I don't want sex from them. Especially since they hate women so much. I married and divorced a man who secretly hated me. I would pee on his grave if he ever died because he was so disgusting in all his lies. He was the biggest liar I ever met and glad to get away from.

I was sexually abused by my sister. She showed me pornography at age 10, when she was 16, and she touched my vagina in the bath tub and made me touch hers. She actually attempted to show me porn when I was 5, she and her friends on the block. So many people would call me a lesbian because I am unattractive and a husky woman who experiences hair loss. Needless to say I don't attract men. I suppose thankfully, I am asexual.

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11 hours ago, Solitude& said:

 I'm physically attracted to men but I don't want sex from them. Especially since they hate women so much. I married and divorced a man who secretly hated me. I would pee on his grave if he ever died because he was so disgusting in all his lies. He was the biggest liar I ever met and glad to get away from.

I unfortunately concur that most men have problems. I think it goes beyond the physical world. If you can believe it I am being haunted by a male demon right now. He is angry because as an adult, I have never let anyone use me for sex or experiment on me again. Outside of the sex abuse, I am a virgin. Even the invisible world is male. 

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My parents are divorced and I used to spend my weekends in my grandmother's house because my dad lived with them, my male cousin who is older than me (by 3-5 years maybe?) went there too, he, my little sister and I shared a room and a bed; my grandma slept in the room next door, my dad in his room (sometimes with my sister), and my grandpa in his office. 

 

One weekend he brought his wii and we played Mario Kart, but then he wanted to make things interesting and proposed we bet something. Then we started playing this game when if one lost the other would be able to touch the other´s ... intimate parts. I was very competitive as a child so I accepted, of course I lost and he got to touch me. One time I won (now I know he let me win) and I had to touch him, of course I refused but he insisted and I did. 

That same night he touched me when I was sleep, more like pretending to be sleep. I didnt really understand what it was until much later, I kind of knew it was wrong. This never happened again but I still remember it clearly. I still don't know how to feel about it, I didn't feel particularly violated or disgusted (be it with myself or with him), this made me aware that sex existed.  (He was my first kiss too).

 

I keep thinking that maybe if this hadn't happened I would be "normal", but I try not to think about it too much. Maybe its twisted and wrong but he is still my family and I love him,   he has never done it again. (to me at least) although now I´m worried that he may be a pedophile and that just disgusts me. I have never told this to anyone and I don't ever plan to, it would destroy my mom to know. Its still confusing to me, I would never wish it on anyone but one of the reasons I don't want to tell anyone is because I don't want to be treated as a traumatized victim or my mom to think that me being Asexual is caused by these events. (Frankly what bothers me the most is just how unaffected I feel about it, I can only question why he did it? Was it just curiosity or something darker?) I don't hate men, I´m not repulsed by them and I´m even open to the possibility of sex if its with the right person. 

Am I in denial and I was actually horribly traumatized bu this? maybe 🤷‍♀️, although I do think about it sometimes and it isnt a god memory by any means but the thing is I thingk about it as a not particularly good experience but it isn´t bad enough to be horrifying.

 

...What I´m trying to ask is if there is something wrong with me?

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On 6/20/2019 at 4:25 AM, Paty said:

For a while I've been wondering if there's something wrong with me. Years questioning myself because of how I feel. 

It's so confusing when all my friends and acquaintances talk about how much they NEED and WANT to be in a relationship and have sex. Since I was in sixth grade I couldn't understand that feeling and it made me feel so weird so I faked it "Yeaaaah soooo hot and niiiice". Even today EVERYONE I know or meet asks me about past relationships and then proceed to tell me that I'll someday change my mind and end up with a boyfriend, later married and with children like it's my destiny. RIGHT because I'm a female with a uterus. 

First, shame on you for assuming that all women are heterosexual. Second, just because I can have children doesn't mean I have to. Third, good to know that you're a psych and can show me my future. Tell me, will I have a dog too? Cause I want a cat but I guess I can't choose, right? 

I'm so glad I was able to found a community that I can identify with. I seriously thought that I was sick like a hormonal deficit or something like it. 

I see I'm not the only one struggling with everyone's expectation of what I should do and who I should become. 

Yeah. This is me as well. I started feeling left out the moment I and my friends hit puberty and everyone else suddenly had a crush. I literally picked a guy from our year because he wasn't annoying and had nice hair, I guess, and said he was my crush, to fit in. Continued to question myself throughout middle- and high school. Was near desperate about my apparent differences when I started uni and still didn't know who or what gender I was interested in, because it never occurred to me the answer could be "none". Finding this site was a huge relief and I remember just being in a really good mood at least two weeks afterwards. Finally some people I can relate to! :D 

  Oh, and the having kids -thing. It used to be obvious that I would want kids, I never questioned it, because EVERYONE has kids, right? Only after realizing my huge ace-ness, I started to wonder, and right now I think I actually might be completely happy with just my possible future nieces/nephews (if my sister decides she wants kids with her SO, not putting any pressure there) visiting sometimes. Yes, I want close friendships, yes, I'm quite social, yes I grow very fond of people and love my family, but I'm happy without a relationship. If a person with a similar mindset happens to come across and we hit it off, then who knows, but I'm not looking for anyone. (Also, my friends say my sensor for these types of things is nonexistent 😂

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Someone had to explain to me what a crush was, I was 13 and didn't really understand what the girls were talking about.

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boardgamelover

I need to rant/question/figure out what's bugging me and I figured here is as good a place as any.

 

First, some background. I had never heard the term asexual until 5 or 6 years ago. I grew up assuming that at some point I would end up in a relationship with someone and would want sex because that's just how life is. It didn't matter in my family who the other person was or what gender they were, but we all figured I'd "grow up" eventually. In the meantime, I just figured I was kind of odd compared to everyone else (in more ways than just sexuality), so I wasn't too concerned. Fast forward to when I'm 23 and talking to my psychiatrist who casually mentions "maybe you're asexual" after asking me about who I like (and suggesting that maybe I was hiding being gay because of my faith). I'd never heard the term, so being me, I looked it up. And HOLY CRAP, that was me! I've never felt so understood in my entire life as when I started reading about asexuality and from people on these forums. So I've claimed the term for myself and am happy as an aromantic asexual.

 

I luckily haven't had any bad reactions to my telling people (mostly because I haven't told too many people), but the other day I was having a conversation with a friend that has left me scratching my head. In previous conversations, she has been pretty supportive of my sexual orientation though I can tell she might be humouring me a little figuring that eventually I'll change my mind. But the other day we were talking and it came up again. I was trying to explain how I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone and that to me, it's just not a big deal. I don't feel like I'm missing something, because it's not something I want or feel the need for. And that I can't understand why other people would want to have sex (though I know that for many people it is something that's super important). And her response was "well, I don't go around being attracted to every man I see. I'm married, so I'm only attracted to my husband. Maybe I'm asexual too."

 

And my first thought is "no. That's not what I'm saying. I don't think that people who aren't asexual are wanting to have sex with everything that moves. I know that you are committed to your husband and so have respect for him and only have sex with him. That doesn't mean your asexual." But I didn't know how to explain myself. I tried and failed because I think she still thinks I just haven't found the right person yet.

 

So I guess my rant is that I felt really dismissed by her statement. And that hurts.

 

And my question is how do I explain myself better? How do I explain a lack of sexual attraction when I don't fully understand sexual attraction? How do I explain that this label fits me and I'm happy with it and not just using it until I figure out something better?

 

I don't know what I'm thinking and feeling right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

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13 hours ago, boardgamelover said:

I need to rant/question/figure out what's bugging me and I figured here is as good a place as any.

 

First, some background. I had never heard the term asexual until 5 or 6 years ago. I grew up assuming that at some point I would end up in a relationship with someone and would want sex because that's just how life is. It didn't matter in my family who the other person was or what gender they were, but we all figured I'd "grow up" eventually. In the meantime, I just figured I was kind of odd compared to everyone else (in more ways than just sexuality), so I wasn't too concerned. Fast forward to when I'm 23 and talking to my psychiatrist who casually mentions "maybe you're asexual" after asking me about who I like (and suggesting that maybe I was hiding being gay because of my faith). I'd never heard the term, so being me, I looked it up. And HOLY CRAP, that was me! I've never felt so understood in my entire life as when I started reading about asexuality and from people on these forums. So I've claimed the term for myself and am happy as an aromantic asexual.

 

I luckily haven't had any bad reactions to my telling people (mostly because I haven't told too many people), but the other day I was having a conversation with a friend that has left me scratching my head. In previous conversations, she has been pretty supportive of my sexual orientation though I can tell she might be humouring me a little figuring that eventually I'll change my mind. But the other day we were talking and it came up again. I was trying to explain how I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone and that to me, it's just not a big deal. I don't feel like I'm missing something, because it's not something I want or feel the need for. And that I can't understand why other people would want to have sex (though I know that for many people it is something that's super important). And her response was "well, I don't go around being attracted to every man I see. I'm married, so I'm only attracted to my husband. Maybe I'm asexual too."

 

And my first thought is "no. That's not what I'm saying. I don't think that people who aren't asexual are wanting to have sex with everything that moves. I know that you are committed to your husband and so have respect for him and only have sex with him. That doesn't mean your asexual." But I didn't know how to explain myself. I tried and failed because I think she still thinks I just haven't found the right person yet.

 

So I guess my rant is that I felt really dismissed by her statement. And that hurts.

 

And my question is how do I explain myself better? How do I explain a lack of sexual attraction when I don't fully understand sexual attraction? How do I explain that this label fits me and I'm happy with it and not just using it until I figure out something better?

 

I don't know what I'm thinking and feeling right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm sorry to hear that your friend doesn't take your asexuality seriously, or at least doesn't try to understand it better. It's not an easy thing to explain, especially as for most people attraction is just a natural part of life, so that lacking it seems ludicrous to them. Let me try to phrase it in a way that makes sense:

By referring to her marriage, she seems to conflate asexuality with abstinence. In her case, she might not feel attracted to every man she sees, but it's still a possibility that she might come across someone she would find sexy/hot/attractive. She chooses not to act on these feelings, because of her commitment to her partner. That's a form of abstinence, in a way. For you, it's different: you don't see other people that way (hot/sexy), because you are not attracted to them. Asexuality is not a choice.

I noticed that you also describe yourself as aromantic, so you could add that you don't fall in love with people and don't have the desire to settle down with someone or start a family. That's just not how you're wired!

I hope these arguments are correct and help you a little :)

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boardgamelover

Thanks beecell. I did make that point to her about her commitment and vows within the marriage as a choice, but that for me it’s different, but she still didn’t seem to get it. I think I just felt hurt that she wasn’t truly hearing what I was saying. As someone who is a big ally to the LGBTQ community, I had hoped she’d be a little more open to my experience of a different sexual orientation. There’s also a generational gap between us, so that maybe part of it too. She sees a younger version of herself in me and wants me to have “the best of life” but she doesn’t realize the her best and my best look different. She really is a good person, contrary to how I’m making her sound, so this isn’t going to break up our friendship or anything. It would just be nice if we were on the same page.

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On 6/25/2019 at 2:08 PM, boardgamelover said:

Thanks beecell. I did make that point to her about her commitment and vows within the marriage as a choice, but that for me it’s different, but she still didn’t seem to get it. I think I just felt hurt that she wasn’t truly hearing what I was saying. As someone who is a big ally to the LGBTQ community, I had hoped she’d be a little more open to my experience of a different sexual orientation. There’s also a generational gap between us, so that maybe part of it too. She sees a younger version of herself in me and wants me to have “the best of life” but she doesn’t realize the her best and my best look different. She really is a good person, contrary to how I’m making her sound, so this isn’t going to break up our friendship or anything. It would just be nice if we were on the same page.

I understand how you feel, when I came out to my mom (I was 15) she told me I couldn't know I was asexual because I didn't have any experience with sex at all, now she acts like that conversation didn't happen and still asks about boyfriends, and stuff. She has gay friends, she is also very young but she doesn't think there is such a thing as asexuality, saying things like "your time will come" or "you will understand when you have sex", I feel ignored and invalidated as a person when she does this. Even then, she is a good mom that has done everything to give me and my sister the best, she supports our independence and isn't very extrict. I admire that she has found her own happiness with my step dad without neglecting me and my sister. Divorces are a messy business but she never put me against my father and instead of asking for alimony she demanded form to pay or school expenses instead, this made it able for us to have the best education we could have in our town. Us finishing our studies is very important to her since she never went to university.

 

What I´m trying to say is my mom and I don't see eye to eye in many things, doesn't mean that don't love each other or that she is a bad person. She just doesn't understand, and thats okay because to be fair I don't understand her perspective either.

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Went to a bar with a small group of female friends (I'm the only ace as well as the only teetotal one in the group). Didn't take long for a random guy to approach the table & I no longer felt "safe" (does this make sense?) so I went to hide in the ladies toilets & asked the girls to text me when the guy had left. Only waited 5-10mins but felt a lot longer before the text came & I came out of my hiding place. The guy saw me return to my friends & walked up to our table again - by this point I just wanted to get myself out of that environment. Fortunately, a woman at a nearby table was heading outside for a smoke & I followed her out (never touched a cigarette in my life) & just stood next to her awkwardly saying that I needed some fresh air (it was near winter). I find these types of situations incredibly suffocating (does that make sense?) & intimidating.  This happened many years ago & yet I still remember exactly how it made me feel. 

Edited by Eutierria
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On 7/13/2016 at 2:00 AM, Quoth The Raven said:

I get annoyed when people like my parents for instance, occasionally suggest to others that I'll get married or have kids one day. Because I always pop right in and tell the person that I'm not and that the only thing they're going to get is grandkittens, if that. And yet the person always acts like I'm joking. Why do they all think I'm joking and going to change my mind eventually?

I used to never think I'd get a boyfriend either, so I suppose in one way that may be a reason why, but still. That and no one in my family knows I'm ace because I don't know how they'd react about it. And they don't 'get' anything in the LGBT+ spectrum. Though I don't think they even know ace is a thing, which makes it a little worse.

i know this post was made 3 years ago but holy crap same,,,,, it doesnt happen very often because my parents and i dont often talk about that far into "tHe FuTURe" (at least not right now lol) but when it comes up occasionally and my parents tell me i'll change my mind about kids in my head im just kinda like "yeah okay i could tell you why im not joking but you most likely wouldnt get it and im scared of that so haHA everything's fine"

 

just,,, oof man i really do empathise with that and it SUCKS

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