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ChaoticHetergenousMixture

I've always known that I want dogs or cats and not kids. For years my parents have been saying, "We'll see about that." My cousin gasped like it was something scandalous and my grandma just laughed. However, my parents are starting to come around so yay! 👍

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AllThisTime
16 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I just adopted a dog and I'm wondering why I ever thought I could care for another living thing. I'm way too scattered, and also selfish. If I could relive the last three weeks I probably wouldn't adopt a dog, as great as this one is.

@Snao Cone Dogs and other critters, unlike children, will never become teenagers. They are also eternally grateful for every little thing you do for them and have an endless capacity to listen to whining, complaining, crying, sniffling, moping, singing badly etc. I have much experience in these matters (2 boys who reached adulthood despite me and "a number" of cats and a dawg) so I can attest to the fact that you can be scattered as well as selfish -- hey, its your life after all -- and still be a good mom!

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Sage of Nemesis

Reasons I don't want to have kids: 

 

1. Labour. Tbph I think anyone who goes through more than one pregnancy must be out of their minds. I mean, one is a little understandable, you don't really know what you're getting into until you go through it, but doing it again???? On purpose??? When you really know what it's like??? I cannot comprehend the headspace that decision comes from.

 

2. When I've thought about it I can't stop comparing being pregnant to hosting a parasite, which is not a good comparison. The very idea of carrying a child makes me feel sick to my stomache. 

 

Related, why the hell do we treat pregnancy and labour as some kind of holy experience? Being pregant makes people feel sick, causes inconceivable levels of pain, and in some cases can kill both bearer and child. Why the hell are artificial uteruses not a bigger thing? Admittedly we do suffer from overpopulation so really it's a good thing that some people might be put off of having kids due to having some idea what it's like. I mean, some part of me would like a kid with my genes to exist, for some probably lizard brain reason, but not enough to carry one myself. Probably a good thing considering overpopulation that I can't do it some other way, realistically. 

 

I've mentioned this to some allo family members but they never actually explain what they were thinking, which is annoying. Like, I'm pretty sure my mom's motivation was that she wanted a kid that was half her and half my step dad, which, ok, part of me gets that, though I still don't think it's worth it. 

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Sweet Potato
On 3/10/2019 at 10:04 AM, Sage of Nemesis said:

1. Labour. Tbph I think anyone who goes through more than one pregnancy must be out of their minds. I mean, one is a little understandable, you don't really know what you're getting into until you go through it, but doing it again???? On purpose??? When you really know what it's like??? I cannot comprehend the headspace that decision comes from.

I have a kid. I would go for another in a heartbeat. yes, childbirth is scary and painful, but it's so very true that it's over and forgotten the moment that baby is in your arms.  Every time my son says "I love you mommy" gives me a hug or a thousand other precious moments, I know for an absolute fact that all the discomfort of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth was worth it. I would gladly do it again.



 

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On 3/10/2019 at 5:04 PM, Sage of Nemesis said:

Reasons I don't want to have kids: 

 

1. Labour. Tbph I think anyone who goes through more than one pregnancy must be out of their minds. I mean, one is a little understandable, you don't really know what you're getting into until you go through it, but doing it again???? On purpose??? When you really know what it's like??? I cannot comprehend the headspace that decision comes from.

 

2. When I've thought about it I can't stop comparing being pregnant to hosting a parasite, which is not a good comparison. The very idea of carrying a child makes me feel sick to my stomache. 

 

Related, why the hell do we treat pregnancy and labour as some kind of holy experience? Being pregant makes people feel sick, causes inconceivable levels of pain, and in some cases can kill both bearer and child. Why the hell are artificial uteruses not a bigger thing? Admittedly we do suffer from overpopulation so really it's a good thing that some people might be put off of having kids due to having some idea what it's like. I mean, some part of me would like a kid with my genes to exist, for some probably lizard brain reason, but not enough to carry one myself. Probably a good thing considering overpopulation that I can't do it some other way, realistically. 

 

I've mentioned this to some allo family members but they never actually explain what they were thinking, which is annoying. Like, I'm pretty sure my mom's motivation was that she wanted a kid that was half her and half my step dad, which, ok, part of me gets that, though I still don't think it's worth it. 

I relate to your number 2 comment. I think it's great for people who want to have kids ect but for me, growing a human inside of me is such a weird concept. I may adopt one day as unfortunately there is no shortage of pre-made ( can you say pre-made? ) kids who are in need of parents in this world.

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I'm 23 and feel pretty sure I don't want children. Partly because I'd have to get a guy and have sex in the first place which I don't want. And partly because if I had a child, they would be completely dependent and I wouldn't be able to change my mind or turn back time, and because I wouldn't be able to make spontaneous decisions or be completely independent any more, because I would have such a big responsibility and commitment (I think I struggle a bit with commitment). 
I also don't like the thought of a baby coming out of my vagina with a load of blood (to put it bluntly).

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Autumn Season

I also don't want a child. I dislike the idea of pregnancy more than the labor (Is this the correct word? Or is labor something different than giving birth?). It just seems so extremely wrong that something - someone could be inside of my stomach area. :S Just... no. And then there is so much which I could and probably would do wrong as a parent. (I find it difficult to forgive myself for making mistakes.) And... while I want to help the people who are already alive, I have zero instinct to plant a whole new being onto the planet. I don't understand this desire at all. 

That being said, I will support a friend who wants to have a child. I have no negative feelings against somebody else having children. (Only confusion, haha.)

What I do find disgusting though, is if somebody else wants me to have a child. That's extremely intrusive.

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7 minutes ago, Autumn Season said:

(Is this the correct word? Or is labor something different than giving birth?)

Labor (or labour, for us cool kids 8) ) is the process of giving vaginal birth, yes.

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53 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:
1 hour ago, Autumn Season said:

(Is this the correct word? Or is labor something different than giving birth?)

Labor (or labour, for us cool kids 8) ) is the process of giving vaginal birth, yes.

So Labour isn't a party? :P 

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6 minutes ago, daveb said:

So Labour isn't a party? :P 

Well, not for the mother... :P

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I think those are perfectly acceptable circumstances in which to shit oneself.

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thirddegreegirl
On 3/10/2019 at 1:04 PM, Sage of Nemesis said:

Reasons I don't want to have kids: 

 

1. Labour. Tbph I think anyone who goes through more than one pregnancy must be out of their minds. I mean, one is a little understandable, you don't really know what you're getting into until you go through it, but doing it again???? On purpose??? When you really know what it's like??? I cannot comprehend the headspace that decision comes from.

 

2. When I've thought about it I can't stop comparing being pregnant to hosting a parasite, which is not a good comparison. The very idea of carrying a child makes me feel sick to my stomache. 

I was just wondering; are you against the care-taker aspect of having children too? if not have you considered adoption?

 

I know for myself pregnancy and childbirth is really intimidating, but i'd like to adopt kids for sure. I brought it up with my family (keep in mind no one in my family is adopted) and they all seemed to discourage it? "Kids in the system have a lot of problems" like, yeah, that's what parenting is for, but i digress.

 

i have a couple of friends who are adopted, and their experience growing up was basically like anyone else's. I suppose if you still want to raise children, but don't want the "bearing" part it, it's always an option.

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My favourite child free moment is when I go for Smear tests (Pap smear in the US? Pelvic exam?) Every time I go the nurse (always different each time) will make comments about how this will all be easier once I've had kids. Every time I state I don't want children. I get a snotty 'We'll see' or 'You'll change your tune'. I'm 35, I think I know by now. 

The worst was a woman who said 'But what if you meet someone beautiful and would have beautiful babies?' Because that's a great reason to bring a new life into the world! I don't get the 'selfish' argument. Having kids is selfish. The planet is over populated and struggling as it is, the last thing it needs is more humans! But I'm selfish because I'm not adding to it? I do not understand this train of thought x

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On 2/4/2019 at 1:33 AM, Snao Cone said:

It's dangerous that people are led to believe that "real love" and "wanting romance" is morally superior to wanting sex, and so it's okay for someone to endlessly pursue it if love is involved. Just want to bang that ass? Creep, leave them alone! Just want to be with them forever? Keep at it, son, you'll get her eventually!

Indeed. I do believe that when romantic feelings are involved - and consequently emotional ones and emotional weakness, due to being more vulnerable towards someone else - people can be emabarassed and awkward, which micht lead them to no say "yes" right away when they actually want to. Or maybe they are not sure yet. But it is easy to see when someone really isn't interested, when a "no" really means "no" and this is what I don't get: how can some people feel so entitled, so out of reach with the others, that makes them dismiss a person's rejection. It's just about not respecting one another. If you respect someone, you don't dismiss him/her/them.

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Chamomile_Serenity
On 7/15/2016 at 8:22 PM, KanoEvey said:

Things that irritate me as an ace woman usually fall under three main categories: kids, relationships, and being sexualized.

 

This^

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  • 5 weeks later...
Hermit Advocate
On 3/3/2019 at 5:51 PM, ChaoticHetergenousMixture said:

I've always known that I want dogs or cats and not kids. For years my parents have been saying, "We'll see about that." My cousin gasped like it was something scandalous and my grandma just laughed. However, my parents are starting to come around so yay! 👍

Just tell people that you plan to have fur babies instead. This is what I tell people. Think of all the money you'll save by not having to put them through college. :) 

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Fur babies can still be expensive, though... <_<

 

I don't like being called a mom because I have a pet. It feels weird. She's a dog, not a fur baby. I'm a pet owner. 

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AllThisTime
9 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Fur babies can still be expensive, though... <_<

 

I don't like being called a mom because I have a pet. It feels weird. She's a dog, not a fur baby. I'm a pet owner. 

@Snao Cone You are a mom in that you are responsible for them.   You don't have to do the crazy stuff like dress them up or talk baby talk.  Some people do find comfort in that though. My husky shepherd would not fit the 'baby' bill, though he does have his goofy, sweet moments. 

 

Here's something though: I have a friend who gleefully introduces me at "the crazy cat lady".  It's hilarious, because the cat lady part does apply and sometimes I wonder about the "crazy" part too: I do volunteer for a cat rescue agency and I do have a number feline friends.. But I do feel I make a positive difference and that there are some strays that just end up being your cats.  Is that crazy or not?

 

However, none of this can compare to how goofy those felines act when presented with a cardboard box. *That's* when they look like fur babies to me!

 

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I’ve just realized why I prefer sexual men over women. While an ace partner would be ideal it’s kind of unrealistic given how small the population is. I feel like I can get away with pretending when I’m with a man. I hadn’t noticed that until recently. It’s just kind of harder to fake it with another woman. I guess it’s an advantage of not having a dick and having the pressure to rise to the occasion. 

I actually don’t have a preference with gender. I just don’t care. But... I wish there were more aces... or more people who didn’t see it as a deal breaker. 

 

I’m just rambling...

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7 hours ago, Lockylocks said:

I’ve just realized why I prefer sexual men over women. While an ace partner would be ideal it’s kind of unrealistic given how small the population is. I feel like I can get away with pretending when I’m with a man. I hadn’t noticed that until recently. It’s just kind of harder to fake it with another woman. I guess it’s an advantage of not having a dick and having the pressure to rise to the occasion. 

I actually don’t have a preference with gender. I just don’t care. But... I wish there were more aces... or more people who didn’t see it as a deal breaker. 

 

I’m just rambling...

I think it might be easier at first with a man who's been socialized to be assertive and take the lead, but that's partly because they (in the oversimplified aggregate) aren't taught to check in with their partner as much. It's been weirder for me to have sex with men who check in, rather than the kind of guy who grunts until it's over. While I haven't had sexual experiences with women, I've heard from others that it's a more communicative experience, which lines up with what you're saying here. It can be awkward or feel like a lot of pressure to have to be honest with a person about how little you're enjoying yourself when doing something that's important to them. But with people who don't check in, you're going to get the same thing again and again. I think that's eventually going to wear a person down. Pretending to be into something is a lot of work. 

 

It sucks that options for asexual relationships are limited. 😕 But I think in the long term, a sustainable relationship has compromise through genuine understanding, rather than the path of least resistance. 

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mildlytensed

Hello everyone! I'm new here and this is my first post. Just joined like ten minutes ago, haha. I just wanted to share my self-discovery story even if nobody reads it. It's been such a relief realising that I am asexual. I've always felt so left out since I'm always surrounded by people who constantly talk about sexual or romantic relationships. I've come to a point where I've become extremely cautious when making friends. I'm from a country that is majorly hostile to the queer community and heterosexuality is a cultural norm.  It's exhausting developing relationships with people who clearly believe that being sexual makes you 'human' (as if). Since my self-discovery I have half-comeout to my sister who is bi herself (I think. We've never really discussed it.) She always asks me if I have a crush on someone and I was so exhausted one day that I just kinda came out to her. Honestly I'm still questioning my sexuality (or lack thereof). Haha. It's been tough but I'm so glad for AVEN. It makes me teary eyed when I come on here because I hadn't heard of asexuality or demisexuality till a year ago. Everyone who reads this, thank you so much. I really needed to get this off my chest.

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Sage of Nemesis

Hey, so turns out I have tokophobia, like I didn't have enough issues. Didn't know there was a word for it until today. The fear/horror of preganancy to an irrational degree.

Though I gotta say I still don't think it's irrational. To the contrary, I think it's a case of too sane for this insane world. I have mad respect, but also incredulous bewilderment, for people who go through pregnancy entirely of their own will, and I remain convinced thay this is the sane response. They are badasses, but, like, the 'jumped out of a helicopter without a chute to save someone who was panicking too hard to release their parachute' type of badasses. 

Anyway, the problem with that whole 'you forget all about the pain once you have your child in your arms!' Thing is... uh. I remain unwilling to go through literally mind warping pain to put another child on this already overpopulated world. The fact that the pain is so bad that your brain literally edits it out is terrifying. Not remembering it doesn't mean it didn't happen, nor does it stop any complications or aftereffects. 

Even if I wanted kids that much, I would adopt one of the millions of orphans or children given up across the world. Or possibly go single parent hunting, who knows? There's probably ace single parents around, or single parents who are willing to try an ace partner. 

I don't actually want kids that much though. So. I'm afraid my unique blend of genes will just die with me, as evolution demands. 

Thanks for the comments, folks. :)

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Snao Cone
8 minutes ago, Sage of Nemesis said:

I'm afraid my unique blend of genes will just die with me, as evolution demands. 

That's how I see it too. Everyone has the right to choose not to have kids/pass on their genes, but I happen to have conditions that make it an easier argument. I don't really have strong feelings towards pregnancy either way, but being asexual greatly reduces the chances that I'd get pregnant unintentionally. So I think it's a sure thing I won't ever be pregnant, and that's fine by me.

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I'm at the stage where a lot of people I know in real life are either having babies, getting into romances, getting engaged or getting married. I'm not going to get into that. I thought deeply about this and I realized I'm just fine being aro ace and single. Who knows about the future? Things might change 😕 . This is the only forum I can actually admit that I'm happy single.

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HazyShadeofFall
15 hours ago, stampoc said:

I'm at the stage where a lot of people I know in real life are either having babies, getting into romances, getting engaged or getting married. I'm not going to get into that. I thought deeply about this and I realized I'm just fine being aro ace and single. Who knows about the future? Things might change 😕 . This is the only forum I can actually admit that I'm happy single.

This is where I'm at too, both about everyone getting married and about happy being single. If all goes well, I have about 60 more years to live, and maybe somewhere in that time I'll want the companionship of a relationship. But until I get to that point (if I ever do) I won't worry about it.

 

It can be hard getting people to understand that I'm happy being single. A while back, one of my friends (who I've known since I was 12) said, "Don't worry, love will find you when you stop looking." And I was so confused when she said it. She knew I was never interested in dating while we were teenagers and that I haven't been looking for a relationship since finishing high school. I don't think I've ever said anything to suggest that I was unhappy because I was single. Yet she still had it in her head that I was worried about being single?

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FinneganCatch
On 4/24/2019 at 6:30 AM, Snao Cone said:

I think it might be easier at first with a man who's been socialized to be assertive and take the lead, but that's partly because they (in the oversimplified aggregate) aren't taught to check in with their partner as much. It's been weirder for me to have sex with men who check in, rather than the kind of guy who grunts until it's over. While I haven't had sexual experiences with women, I've heard from others that it's a more communicative experience, which lines up with what you're saying here. It can be awkward or feel like a lot of pressure to have to be honest with a person about how little you're enjoying yourself when doing something that's important to them. But with people who don't check in, you're going to get the same thing again and again. I think that's eventually going to wear a person down. Pretending to be into something is a lot of work. 

 

It sucks that options for asexual relationships are limited. 😕 But I think in the long term, a sustainable relationship has compromise through genuine understanding, rather than the path of least resistance. 

Geeze this pretty much puts into words every relationship I have ever had. I wouldn't have any problems with being in a relationship with another woman, however  its been easier throughout life to date and have sex (Easier not enjoyable) with men.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Hermit Advocate

I'm thinking about asking my OBGYN about getting myself sterilized. I'm just worried because I've heard so many things about younger women who just get shamed, insulted, and patronized by doctors. All I know is that I do not want kids and I really don't think I'd be a good mother. 

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I'd get a full hysterectomy if it didn't mean premature menopause. I'm not keen on the idea of hormone therapy. 

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Shiloh_Rose
2 hours ago, LVG said:

I'd get a full hysterectomy if it didn't mean premature menopause. I'm not keen on the idea of hormone therapy. 

Yeah I was like 'if they actually would do it, take some stuff outta me, that'd be great! also if i had money...' but then some peeps were like 'yeah but then you gotta do this and that and this might happen and watch for that'.
Because brain was like 'no more things! Huzzah! The end!' but of course it is more complicated than that.

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