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Autumn Season

And what about not accepting a no from a woman, but giving up, if she is already in a relationship? Doesn't this mean, that somehow only her male partner deserves respect?

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2 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

And what about not accepting a no from a woman, but giving up, if she is already in a relationship? Doesn't this mean, that somehow only her male partner deserves respect?

Yup. Or the cliché that a guy won't back off until a man who's physically bigger than him tells him to.

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I remember the days (long long ago), when I asked females if they'd like to go on a date sometime. And got the answer 'no thanks' and took that at face value. Only to be told a few weeks later that they were unimpressed that I hadn't asked again (can't really want to go out with me that much if you can only be bothered to ask once).

 

Aggghhhh.

 

 

Edited by Midland Tyke
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I don't bother playing mind games like that.  A "no" should be taken at face value, because many of the people who don't do so are creeps.

 

The people that encourage this sort of thing are (perhaps inadvertently) encouraging the creep behavior.

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1 hour ago, Midland Tyke said:

I remember the days (long long ago), when I asked females if they'd like to go on a date sometime. And got the answer 'no thanks' and took that at face value. Only to be told a few weeks later that they were unimpressed that I hadn't asked again (can't really want to go out with me that much if you can only be bothered to ask once).

 

Aggghhhh.

In ye olden times such as yours, though, women (or "FE-males" as you say :P ) were discouraged from stating what they want. If they didn't play games to make a guy show off his wooing skills then they weren't doing their part. They couldn't be forward enough to assert their actual desires, and a couple got more status, in a way, if their origin story had more steps to it than straight out declaring mutual interest in each other. That's still the case now, but to a lesser degree. Women have more sexual/romantic autonomy and it's more acceptable to say what we want or don't want...though still not acceptable enough for many women to feel comfortable with it in way too many situations. Men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them, to paraphrase Margaret Atwood. 

 

It's a lose-lose situation, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ There is an entire movement of men who feel worthless because they're not getting the ladies. I think if we trashed the "hard work pays off" myth in wooing partners AND fought the cultural standard that having a partner makes someone superior to those without partners, maybe we could reduce these problems of stalking, harassment, violence, pressure, or, in the case of a couple of incels so far, terrorism. 

 

tl;dr It's toxic to have a culture where women are expected to not say what they want and where men are expected to assume women want what they're not saying. It's also toxic to have a culture where getting a partner is so closely tied into self-worth. 

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Agree, entirely.

 

Thinking back, though, they were right, too. I really didn't want to go out with them enough. It was primarily through a desire for societal acceptance/inclusion. So a bullet dodged, in many ways.

 

Stupid society. 

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On 1/6/2019 at 4:29 PM, cucaruchis said:

@Shiloh_Rose I totally feel you on that. Especially in a religious community, everyone is always like "you'll find the right person and then you'll want sex and babies" and it's so annoying. Like...apparently being single for the rest of my life, which I would be more than happy with, isn't actually an option. 

I'd never thought about the 'living in sin' as an asexual thing...that's super interesting and now I kinda want to talk to a priest or a pastor and see what they say. I have a feeling their reaction would be similar to your mom's though. 

The whole sex and babies thing is just so repulsive to me. I feel like an alien living on this planet. 

 

Not everyone is cut out for marriage and/or babies. But that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with a person. Society is so annoying and it seems to me that much of the time people do things simply because everyone else is. 

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Autumn Season

I had a conversation about babies with my mom the other day. :P I explained to her, again, that I don't want to have them right now and it's unlikely I'll ever have them. She asked a lot of questions, trying to low-key change my mind. My strategy was to make clear, that I support other people's decision to have kids, but it's not a thing for me. It seemed to calm her down, that I'm not "judging" people who have children themselves. So maybe this is a useful strategy for other people as well.

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I don't understand what is with the fact that I almost never notice men checking me out but on the very rare occasions that I do they are giving me this creepy predatory stare. Has staring at women in a borderline murderous way ever worked for them in the past?

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1 hour ago, Just Dani said:

I hate mind games so much... 😑

Yeah, so..... Pushy boys are jerks............. And I shouldn't feel bad for telling him off for not respecting it when my friend told him I wasn't interested repeatedly.... But I do.... And it sucks..........

 

 

And if I hear one more person tell me that "I'm too young to know", I will slap someone

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12 hours ago, Proserpina said:

The whole sex and babies thing is just so repulsive to me. I feel like an alien living on this planet. 

 

Not everyone is cut out for marriage and/or babies. But that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with a person. Society is so annoying and it seems to me that much of the time people do things simply because everyone else is. 

Neither of my sisters wants to get married or have kids. my younger sister, who is bisexual, likes the idea of a life partner but isn't interested in being legally married. My older sister (straight) is simply done with serious romantic relationships. Me, the Asexual, has a kid and would like to get married again one day (to a woman this time around)

my mother, a traditionalist,  does not know what to think about any of her daughters.

the fact is, some people want a spouse and kids and dogs and a white picket fence, some want some of that but not all of it, some want nothing to do with it, and it's all fine! People, parents especially, need to stop projecting their ideas of what a good life is onto other people and assuming that person will be unhappy if they don't follow it.

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Why do women still bother with men? Apart from a few decent ones, the majority are either nutty and disingenuous or openly assholes.

 

I just don't get how you can hear about what Ted Bundy did and still think it's worth it to give them a chance.

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I have pretty much given up on men. I see so much drama caused by men who can't even be bothered to do the bare minimum and wonder what their wives or girlfriends see in them. What on earth could justify living with laziness, stupidity, and misogyny? a man at work was complaining that his wife didn't make his lunch (she also works full time, and is the primary caretaker of their 3 kids) I asked him what was inhibiting him from making his own damn lunch? the answer: cooking is woman's work.
there is a reason Facebook has groups like "Cis-Het men are soooo confused about their current market value" and "it's 2019 who's even into men" or "whole man disposal please"

Now before I get in trouble for this, I  understand its not all men, there are genuinely good men, 1 in a million.  however, I pity straight women because the good cis het men are so few and far between.

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I feel like I haven't actually had as many creepy encounters with guys as other people. Then again, I'm also completely oblivious to any sort of attention, good or bad, from anyone. If I have noticed that someone is interested, they have probably crossed the line from flirting to harassment. I don't even usually seem to attract guys at all. Most of the people who have actually stated to be interested were females or other genders than males. I also feel like I've never really felt that much pressure from society to be female in a way that I'm not, other than my parents not approving of me wearing a suit (which is dumb). I'm not really that feminine at all, refuse to wear any sort of makeup or shave my legs in most situations, and haven't ever really worried about my body. I feel very lucky for that. I also feel like it partly came from deciding at a very early age that I wouldn't people change me into someone I am not. i'm not really sure how that happened, but it did, so that's cool.

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On 1/15/2019 at 1:02 PM, AvatarRand said:

So i'm looking for some advice and maybe rant a little.

 

We all know how sexual the world is and i know that majority of the world has come to terms with the existence of LGBT which is awesome. However, although asexuals are rightfully part of lgbt theres still discrimination (theres still even discrimination against bisexuals) towards us because well they aren't us. 

 

I'm homoromantic asexual. I enjoy and want a romantic relationship. I enjoy the cuddles and kisses and whatnots but I dont enjoy sex. I dont like it, i think its gross. 

 

I live in Malaysia where they are caning lesbians, closing down gay bars, and killing transgendered people. Still there is an lgbt community and there is some fight for acceptance. But like i mentioned, the worlds very sexual and i don't know if Malaysians even know the meaning of asexual outside the context of plants/science or if the lgbt here accepts asexuals. Its been giving me some insecurities. (Sigh. After finally realizing and accepting myself i have this to think about)

 

For example, im on tinder and to avoid discrimination or zero matches i just state that im queer. Even to those that i "came out to" think im a lesbian. So i dont really know what to do. Being in a relationship here almost seems to equal to sex. Thats what everyone wants. And i just wanna hold hands and cuddle and watch netflix. Literally. Ugh.

 

Hmm maybe ill change queer to homoromantic asexual. And only 2 outcomes. Zero matches or matches but just wanting to know wtf that means. 🙄

Try Asexualitic. Its a dating site for Asexuals.

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On 2/3/2019 at 7:18 PM, LVG said:

I'm pretty sure "endlessly pursuing" someone is stalking. Thankfully, I've never been stalked, but I had a couple of guys get creepy.

 

For instance, I went out on a blind date once, which was a disaster. The next day, the guy calls and tells me he loves me. I never hung up a phone so quickly before. He proceeded to keep calling and calling until I eventually turned my phone off a day or two.  

I had two guys "endlessly pursue" me. One had the help of my parents who told him where I was going to be on any given day, and they'd try to bully me into giving him a second chance. Only when his mother found out about all this and why I broke up with him did he stop. The second kept calling and calling until he accused me of leading him on and stopped calling. I don't understand how "no I am not interested" several times is leading someone on but ok...

 

It's not romantic and is pretty scary tbh

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Hermit Advocate
6 hours ago, batsy8 said:

I don't understand how "no I am not interested" several times is leading someone on but ok...

 

It's not romantic and is pretty scary tbh

Obviously you were just looking for attention and secretly wanted him to chase after you. Because what else could the word "no" mean? Really, it's such a vague word that it could mean anything. 

 

Who the hell thinks a guy basically stalking someone is sexy???  Or even romantic for that mater? 

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28 minutes ago, Hermit Advocate said:

Obviously you were just looking for attention and secretly wanted him to chase after you. Because what else could the word "no" mean? Really, it's such a vague word that it could mean anything. 

 

Who the hell thinks a guy basically stalking someone is sexy???  Or even romantic for that mater? 

My parents do I think

Idek

Edited by batsy8
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Autumn Season
44 minutes ago, Hermit Advocate said:

[...] Because what else could the word "no" mean? Really, it's such a vague word that it could mean anything. [...]

 

There are two common ways to say "no" in Russian. One is "no" and the other is "yes no maybe". For anyone who isn't a native speaker, it really could mean anything, lol...

I'm pretty sure this phrase developed, because people were/ are not comfortable with rejection. I further suspect that "yes no maybe" is a more feminine way of saying "no", because it sounds softer, kinder and more polite. I could be wrong about this.

To be fair, if you don't use the literal translation, then the phrase sounds more like "Well... Not really, I suppose".

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I decided to buy a bralette.

 

I found a brand called Cosabella that makes ones for women with big busts but small band sizes.

 

Edit: I'm not very impressed with how it was made and don't think they are worth $60, but it is comfortable.

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On 2/7/2019 at 3:39 AM, Autumn Season said:

 

There are two common ways to say "no" in Russian. One is "no" and the other is "yes no maybe". For anyone who isn't a native speaker, it really could mean anything, lol...

 

While we don't have an actually word for the second no in English there are definitely sounds that mean similar... interesting to here this is a word in Russian. 

I'm trying to learn Swedish at the moment at and they seem to have two versions of yes, 'Ja' which is just agreement, like "Are you typing" "Yes (Ja) I am" and also 'Jo' which is disagreement but towards the positive (e.g, "I thought you weren't coming", "yes (Jo) I was"

I might not be using that correctly though, but I think it is something like that. 

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I grew up in a very openly sexual household. And this has translated to my life period. i am an Asexual individual who has been in a sexual romantic relationship but find it very hard to hold up the sexual end of the bargain mainly because ladies I am just not interested. I mean I can fully be open about feelings and i am very much aware when i like an individual and how far my feelings go. but I really suck at reading my fellow Ace friends. I have had a squish on a girl i have known for almost 2 years. I am getting out of my longest relationship and tbh I really just want a close friendship and if things develop than that is great but tbh I have no idea what I am doing. I think I have just held up this im normal like every one else thing for so long that maybe it is translating into this new relationship that may be forming, but idk i just really dig her and i love the conversations we have and the fact that she actually remembers things about my life. She hasnt told me how she feels which i am completely ok with but communication is key in my life. So it would kind of be nice just to know if a close friendship is something she is interested in. She is not very open about this so im at a loss. And i also feel like im asking for dating advice which i am most definatly not just very confused because i like her but not in the way everyone else thinks i do. I also know i dont have to explain to other but i also have BPD which has this lovely encompassing aspect of I love to obsess over people who i like alot so i talk about her alot and really it is just because i genuinley  just like her alot and care for her and worry.  HALP

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On 2/8/2019 at 10:26 AM, Winter Spirit ❅ said:

I decided to buy a bralette.

 

I found a brand called Cosabella that makes ones for women with big busts but small band sizes.

 

Edit: I'm not very impressed with how it was made and don't think they are worth $60, but it is comfortable.

I have the opposite, small boobs, big ribcage. bra shopping has reduced me to tears of frustration at times. 

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10 minutes ago, Sweet Potato said:

I have the opposite, small boobs, big ribcage. bra shopping has reduced me to tears of frustration at times. 

Same.

And they-wallyworld-don't even seem to sell the type anymore that I get since a while ago. The one that I know works well enough. >..< 

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On 2/4/2019 at 11:28 AM, Snao Cone said:

It's also toxic to have a culture where getting a partner is so closely tied into self-worth.

@Snao Cone I've been reading and reading and worked my way through these posts until I got to this comment. I'm new here but I've lived this for so long (being in the upper register of age here but obviously a reallllly slow learner) because it is ingrained in us as little girls. At least it was when I was growing up. Many years ago I had a therapist who had a book called "Repeat after me". It was about family dynamics and how we absorb the values of our parents, right or wrong, because it is all we know.  Change only happens when values are questioned and "unlearned.  My sense of worth has been tied to being in a couple - or not - all my adult years.  I have been described as "too independent" by one of the more kind hearted men I tried to have a relationship with.  I'm glad to be that way because ... well, its me ... but part of me always recognizes it as the fault it was perceived as. 

So this is veering into all kinds of other territory here. But I wanted to start somewhere. To start saying things that need to come out very badly.

 

Here's something: We are very lucky to have come to the point where we can at least recognize asexuality as something at all. When I was young, being "frigid" was a big joke....   Thanks for listening!  

Edited by AllThisTime
wrong word
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AcePrincess666

I've had a few boyfriends... All older than me and have been previously sexually active... We would make out and they would start touching or doing things and I feel nothing... No pleasure just a question of why, what's the point. When I try to explain this they would always take offense so I stopped... I never let things go far (still a virgin 😊) but I always felt weird not enjoying what it was made out to seem I should. I would also shower as soon as possible afterwards because I felt gross... Also my father seems to think I'll have sex and that I should want to and that it's perfectly normal to be curious.... Even though I've said I'm plenty happy not having sex. Whereas my mom and I have this joke that I'll be a 30 year old virgin with kids (insemination then adiption/fostering) which I never saw as a joke... I enjoy relationships and cuddling and hand holding etc... I don't mind kissing but it feels more like a chore... Finding out about this community has been really helpful honestly 😊

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