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butterflydreams
7 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

A lot more seems to go into the decision to have kids when it's not the natural outcome of the relationship (i.e. cishet sexual). In a way it's great that you never have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy, but I would think it's also harder to make the decision because you can't just make one swift random decision to go for it. It's like when you want to try a new food. If it's already on the menu of where you eat all the time, you'll just change your order that day. If it's not on that menu, you have to think about where you can get it and if it's worth it and if you really want it. Except kids are much, much more complex a decision... :unsure:

They asked me before I started transitioning if I wanted to *ahem* "save myself" for the purposes of having children. Part of the reason I said 'no' was the cost factor, but another part was, even if I'm not physically doing the deed myself (male bodied), I just can't. I just can't know that that's how some children of mine came to be. So I probably can't have my own kids at all now. And if not now, certainly at some point in the future.

What's hard is that before transitioning, my attitude towards kids was "hell no". I was barely keeping myself afloat, it would've been irresponsible to bring kids into that. But now that I'm thinking so much more clearly, and on board with life, it's something that digs at me a lot. I don't know what goes into the thought process of having kids. God knows there are countless people out there who do it without thinking about it at all. Unfortunately I think I'm doomed to think about it forever.

Do you think reframing it as "woot! No chance of accidental pregnancy!" is worthwhile?

 

2 hours ago, Visenya said:

I agree with the entire post, but this part stood out to me the most. I don't think I'm ace, but I can relate to that.
I've always felt bad for not being attractive and not having many men interested in me (at least not as many as my friends usually have), but I've never understood why I'd want/seek male approval if I don't want a relationship with them. It has never made any sense to me, and I started to think if it's something hardwired in me. Most importantly, how do I stop thinking like that? 

To me, trying to convince myself that it's not my job to be a pretty, shining piece of decoration and that I'm not completely worthless just because I'm not attractive is the hardest part of being a woman. And I gotta say that being looked down upon for being single for my whole life definitely doesn't help. No one even considers the possibility that some people (especially women) are single by choice. But the funny thing is that when one of my friends implies that I'm single because I'm romantically/sexually rejected by men, I always feel the need to yell "BUT SOME MEN HAVE SHOWN INTEREST IN ME!". It kind of shows that, even though it doesn't make a difference because I genuinely like being single and plan on staying that way, I still need to prove my worth and tell people (and myself) that I still get male attention... And I hate myself for it! :angry::sad:

Wow...this. I'm not single by choice, but everything else is spot on with my experience. I do think it's only natural to feel bad if you're not getting the same level of attention as friends. I mean, it makes sense to me logically I guess. Whether or not you'd even really want what they are getting. You still might feel bad.

I also used to think that people looked down on me for being single my whole life, but I asked around about it in a reddit sub a while back and people unilaterally scoffed at the idea. So I wonder if feeling like people are looking down on you for it is a perception thing. I know it was/is for me. Maybe not the case for you, but something to consider.

But don't beat yourself up for feeling like you have to prove your worth and get male attention. Just acknowledge it. It's a thing you're feeling, but it doesn't have to rule you, you know? I know it's tough to shake though, I really do. *hugs*

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2 hours ago, Visenya said:

I agree with the entire post, but this part stood out to me the most. I don't think I'm ace, but I can relate to that.
I've always felt bad for not being attractive and not having many men interested in me (at least not as many as my friends usually have), but I've never understood why I'd want/seek male approval if I don't want a relationship with them. It has never made any sense to me, and I started to think if it's something hardwired in me. Most importantly, how do I stop thinking like that? 

To me, trying to convince myself that it's not my job to be a pretty, shining piece of decoration and that I'm not completely worthless just because I'm not attractive is the hardest part of being a woman. And I gotta say that being looked down upon for being single for my whole life definitely doesn't help. No one even considers the possibility that some people (especially women) are single by choice. But the funny thing is that when one of my friends implies that I'm single because I'm romantically/sexually rejected by men, I always feel the need to yell "BUT SOME MEN HAVE SHOWN INTEREST IN ME!". It kind of shows that, even though it doesn't make a difference because I genuinely like being single and plan on staying that way, I still need to prove my worth and tell people (and myself) that I still get male attention... And I hate myself for it! :angry::sad:

I relate to this so, so much. sometimes I think I should get flirty with more people or even casually date, just to have solid evidence that I'm desired.

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2 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Wow...this. I'm not single by choice, but everything else is spot on with my experience. I do think it's only natural to feel bad if you're not getting the same level of attention as friends. I mean, it makes sense to me logically I guess. Whether or not you'd even really want what they are getting. You still might feel bad.

I also used to think that people looked down on me for being single my whole life, but I asked around about it in a reddit sub a while back and people unilaterally scoffed at the idea. So I wonder if feeling like people are looking down on you for it is a perception thing. I know it was/is for me. Maybe not the case for you, but something to consider.

But don't beat yourself up for feeling like you have to prove your worth and get male attention. Just acknowledge it. It's a think you're feeling, but it doesn't have to rule you, you know? I know it's tough to shake though, I really do. *hugs*

I used to think that feeling bad about not getting male attention had something to do with being romantic, but... *points at Snow Cone profile*. The thing is that I really hate feeling this way! It gets worse when I'm interested in someone, which makes me even more romance repulsed.

And I don't think it's a perception thing, tbh. People don't judge you so harshly for being single if you're under 25 (or 30, if you're a man) and/or if you're still having flings, sleeping around, etc (which is something I don't [want to] do). My family is extremely conservative, so obviously they look down on... well, everyone who don't think and act exactly like them, but I've put up with some shit coming from friends and colleagues too. In fact, one of them wanted to prove to everyone that I'm actually a lesbian, because no one has ever seen me with a man. The fact that I get crushes from time to time despite not caring enough to do anything about it (maybe I'm lithromantic?) is sometimes seen as a sign of immaturity. Besides, I've heard a few times that if you're single for too long, then there must be something deeply wrong with you! Something so bad that it keeps men away from you (kind of as if you were a leper)... :dry:

Oh, and thanks for the hugs! ^_^

32 minutes ago, Snow Cone said:

I relate to this so, so much. sometimes I think I should get flirty with more people or even casually date, just to have solid evidence that I'm desired

Oh, I've been there too... Many times! I sometimes wished I could find a man who's tall, rich, and handsome, so I could walk around with him and show to everyone (especially to those who called me "too ugly/disgusting/unfuckable/etc to be in a relationship") that yes, I CAN find a man, so suck on that, assholes! :icon_twisted: I'm kind of embarassed to say that that's one of the main reasons that would make me give up on being single. =S

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butterflydreams
On 11/27/2016 at 8:02 PM, Visenya said:

My family is extremely conservative, so obviously they look down on... well, everyone who don't think and act exactly like them, but I've put up with some shit coming from friends and colleagues too. In fact, one of them wanted to prove to everyone that I'm actually a lesbian, because no one has ever seen me with a man. The fact that I get crushes from time to time despite not caring enough to do anything about it (maybe I'm lithromantic?) is sometimes seen as a sign of immaturity. Besides, I've heard a few times that if you're single for too long, then there must be something deeply wrong with you! Something so bad that it keeps men away from you (kind of as if you were a leper)... :dry:

Wow...this for sure, right down to the conservative family. I don't know why "not being seen with anyone" somehow translates to "gay" but my dad explicitly said the same thing to me plenty of times. It didn't even seem like he would've cared, but I still felt the need to try to prove him wrong (I never did). 

I'm pretty sure I'm not aromantic (I guess I still could be, but probably not) and all this talk sort of relates to something I feel a lot, and I wish I didn't. I frequently feel like in order for anyone to love me, and want to be with me romantically, I have to be excessively attractive in order for someone to be able to overlook the fact that I'm trans :sleep: I'm not excessively attractive. Pretty average at best. I know thinking this is self-sabotage, but I just don't know how to stop it. I work really hard to cultivate a beautiful personality...but I worry that won't be enough to cut it.

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Wow, I've felt a lot less pressure to act girly than a lot of people here. I've mostly had male friends throughout school, not as a conscious decision, but that's just what happened. I don't have any extremely masculine interests(cars, sports ect.) but I don't really have super feminine interests either. I'm more nerdy than anything else, which is sort of stereotyped as being more masculine than feminine but not in a super macho way.

This stereotype is rather annoying to me though because it seems to imply that women aren't intelligent, especially when it comes to math and science. Luckily this stereotype is less prevalent than in the 70s or 80s. This sort of extends to "nerdy" hobbies as well. I went to a D&D convention once when I was about 17 and nearly everyone there was a man around the age of 40 which made it kind of awkward for me. My Dad told me when he was growing up that women and girls were never considered "nerdy" which all in all was a good thing for them because "nerdy" was not considered a good thing back then like it sometimes is now. Also,  claims that barely any girls or women played D&D when he was a teenager and in his early 20s. Of course, he may just have not been seen the ones that did. I think this is changing and people are seeing that women can do math, science and "nerdy" hobbies. I don't know think any gender difference in terms of men and women participating in nerdy activities is biological.

In other ways I have always been very stereotypically feminine. I'm pretty emotionally sensitive and empathetic, for example.  I've never really felt the need to put down or compete with women, but when I was about 14 years old I started comparing my body weight and type with that of female celebrities. I can't help but notice that nearly every female celebrity has a perfectly flat stomach with no pudge whatsoever. Anything else is considered fat or "plus-sized". This might be a little less true now than it was a few years ago. 

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1 hour ago, Hadley167 said:

Wow...this for sure, right down to the conservative family. I don't know why "not being seen with anyone" somehow translates to "gay" 

Sounds like my mother in my late 20s.. I must be a lesbian or I'm fucking everybody.. Sorry, neither.

Never mind that from I'd been in a disastrous, definitively heterosexual, relationship for 7 years prior that I was still recovering from. Because I wasn't man crazy like her, there must be something wrong with me.

 

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The pressure for grandbabies.... The idea of being pregnant makes my want to stab myself in the uterus.  My mom luckily understands that any grandkids I provide one day will be adopted. My aunt on the itger hand doesn't and keeps making comments about finding someone and having kids.  (I have also her say that about one of her daughter's who is also asexual). And even when I was in a relationship shr was pressing me to get married.  She actually said "you know how he is in all four seasons".  

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20 minutes ago, SpaceShark said:

The pressure for grandbabies.... The idea of being pregnant makes my want to stab myself in the uterus.  My mom luckily understands that any grandkids I provide one day will be adopted. My aunt on the itger hand doesn't and keeps making comments about finding someone and having kids.  (I have also her say that about one of her daughter's who is also asexual). And even when I was in a relationship shr was pressing me to get married.  She actually said "you know how he is in all four seasons".  

Dude I have gotten this by so many people. My parents famous line was "you'll change your mind one day" which they have thankfully stopped after coming out as Ace. Another one was distant family members or random family acquaintances, who don't me, see me playing with the younger kids in the family or holding a baby they go "oh you're gonna be such a good mom some day" which cues the choir of internal pterodactyl screeching . 

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Relationships were never pushed for in my family. My mom sometimes brought them up as a question, but none of my siblings were active daters in high school. Academics were generally more important than social connections, at least to the point that we'd go to university and find some way to apply ourselves.

In many ways I was very unfeminine as a kid. I was certainly unladylike. My mom and sister joked about sending me to finishing school because I wasn't polite and refined enough. I was a rebel. I dyed my hair weird colours and wore strange colours of makeup for a couple years. I adopted an online social life pretty early on in the era of home internet. Being weird in general certainly tied in with being inadequately feminine, and also made my "problems" too much to deal with to focus on femininity alone.

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3 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

I'm pretty sure I'm not aromantic (I guess I still could be, but probably not) and all this talk sort of relates to something I feel a lot, and I wish I didn't. I frequently feel like in order for anyone to love me, and want to be with me romantically, I have to be excessively attractive in order for someone to be able to overlook the fact that I'm trans :sleep: I'm not excessively attractive. Pretty average at best. I know thinking this is self-sabotage, but I just don't know how to stop it. I work really hard to cultivate a beautiful personality...but I worry that won't be enough to cut it.

I know I'm not objectively attractive in a physical sense (as much as my partner might disagree).  I'm not entirely sure of what she thinks of herself in that sense, but I don't feel like her opinion of herself is that much higher than mine of myself.  It hasn't stopped us from finding each other or getting together.

The people that are just after a pretty face or a hot bod or whatever aren't the kind of people you want to be intimately involved with, anyway.

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butterflydreams
12 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

Relationships were never pushed for in my family. My mom sometimes brought them up as a question, but none of my siblings were active daters in high school. Academics were generally more important than social connections, at least to the point that we'd go to university and find some way to apply ourselves.

This is pretty much how I was raised as well. Which made it all the more shocking when despite the lack of encouragement, my siblings fell right into very active dating around high school and haven't looked back since. I had always thought I didn't do relationships because my parents hadn't raised me that way. 

12 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

In many ways I was very unfeminine as a kid. I was certainly unladylike. My mom and sister joked about sending me to finishing school because I wasn't polite and refined enough. I was a rebel. I dyed my hair weird colours and wore strange colours of makeup for a couple years. I adopted an online social life pretty early on in the era of home internet. Being weird in general certainly tied in with being inadequately feminine, and also made my "problems" too much to deal with to focus on femininity alone.

I feel like regardless, if you're gender-non-consistent, people will be antagonistic towards that. It stinks. 

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9 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

This is pretty much how I was raised as well. Which made it all the more shocking when despite the lack of encouragement, my siblings fell right into very active dating around high school and haven't looked back since. I had always thought I didn't do relationships because my parents hadn't raised me that way.

Me too, thank goodness. I don't know what I'd do with all the pressure to marry and settle down that my peers get/ have gotten.

This is such an interesting topic, Hadley. I've really enjoyed reading all your perspectives. The concept of "earning one's femininity" jumped out at me! I'm not sure this is how I'd describe my personal experience, but I 100% identify with those of you who have felt compelled to earn male attention that you never wanted in the first place. In fact I think for a long time at least some part of me felt I needed to earn sex. Although I'm not sexually inexperienced, sexual expression of any sort never came naturally to me, so for some reason I would fixate on the way I looked and try to make all the details of my body/ appearance flawless, somehow thinking that would make it easier. The way I understand it now, it's almost like because I had no idea what I was doing, I needed the external validation that I was "doing it right." As much as I hate to admit it, a lot of those external cues came from the media. Like if I looked enough like the people having sex on TV then it didn't matter that none of it made any sense to me? It's weird because intellectually I've always understood that those images are BS. But I'd still obsess over the details anticipating sexual attention, and then would feel VERY uncomfortable once I got it.

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I fell in love with my partner after I'd already been married, so I already felt that someone thought I was...something.   However, I really didn't feel "confirmed" to be something until my partner told me he was in love with me.  That was nice.  However, from then on I worried about being able to continue to be love-able, especially since I was trying to show physical love for him when I really just felt aesthetically attracted to him.  It was a very confusing number of years, especially because I wasn't in love with my husband and didn't try very hard to show physical love to him.  That makes me feel that I wasn't very nice to my husband, but what the hell, I had NO idea what was happening with me or anyone else.  And being in love with my partner didn't make the showing-physical-love any easier for me, although it seemed to please him.  Arrgh.

So much for flying blind before AVEN.    I spent most of my life flying blind, trying to stay in the air without seeing where I was going.

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butterflydreams
9 hours ago, Snow Cone said:

I love this thread. So many good relatable experiences being shared.

Seconded. I'd also like to say how much participating in this thread has helped me personally. I was silly to ever think I didn't belong here <3

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UncommonNonsense
On 01/12/2016 at 2:01 AM, Sally said:

I fell in love with my partner after I'd already been married, so I already felt that someone thought I was...something.   However, I really didn't feel "confirmed" to be something until my partner told me he was in love with me.  That was nice.  However, from then on I worried about being able to continue to be love-able, especially since I was trying to show physical love for him when I really just felt aesthetically attracted to him.  It was a very confusing number of years, especially because I wasn't in love with my husband and didn't try very hard to show physical love to him.  That makes me feel that I wasn't very nice to my husband, but what the hell, I had NO idea what was happening with me or anyone else.  And being in love with my partner didn't make the showing-physical-love any easier for me, although it seemed to please him.  Arrgh.

So much for flying blind before AVEN.    I spent most of my life flying blind, trying to stay in the air without seeing where I was going.

 

Oh yes... 

There was one guy I dated who I'd been friends with since 4th grade.  I think I did love him, in my way, but it wasn't the way he wanted and needed.  I cared for him like a friend, but very intensely, and I often felt that I had to defend him from others and from his own demons.  He had some *major* self-esteem issues due to being very overweight, being half-Native in a town that was almost totally white, having learning disabilities that made succeeding in school nearly impossible, and being the child of a single parent who often needed the support of welfare back when that was still pretty scandalous. 

He dealt with a lot of self-loathing, and he often questioned why I'd 'waste my life' with him.  And sometimes I wondered if he was interested in me simply because it made him feel better about himself to know that a cute girl (I was never pretty, but I could pull off cute back then!) was dating him and he liked to show me off to his friends in a sort of manic "See, she loves me!  I can't be that repulsive, if she loves me!' manner.  That he even felt like that made my heart hurt for him.  He seemed to view sex as the ultimate expression of that need to be considered attractive by me, and when I could not respond in the way he needed me to, he became hurt, then angry, then... worse.  That's what led to the situation that ultimately ended us, which I've mentioned here before. 

I felt incredibly guilty that I could not love him the way he needed me to.  I tried to show that love in other ways, even to the point of becoming far more physically demonstrative of affection than I normally am (I am *very* self-contained, not much of a toucher), and I tried to talk him up, encourage him, and champion his successes while down-playing my own so that he'd not feel like he was competing with me (his successes were limited and hard-won, since he wasn't working and had no chance of getting any job that wasn't a dead-end, low-paying one, and at the time, my career was just starting to take off and going really well.  I often tried to avoid talking about imy work so he'd not feel bad).

I didn't know there was such a thing as asexuality or sex-repulsion back then.  I just thought I was straight but just far less interested than others, and figured that I was pickier than most.  I don't know if knowing I was ace might have made any difference with that relationship, but I do know that not knowing proved absolutely disastrous.  This is the one relationship I have the most regrets over.

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On 7 December 2016 at 5:59 AM, The Frost Dragon said:

 

So, just because I'm a woman, that means I have to have kids? We're not in a time where there's a shortage of people anymore, so why do we still have that mentality?

 

HA, this reminds me of the other day when I was out with my two best friends who are both mid-twenties women. They were going on about how they need to start thinking about having children, because they need to have them before they're 30. 

My exact words were, "Are you serious?" 

Both of them have previously said that they don't want children at all. 

Then it got me thinking that maybe I'm a little strange because I'm currently 25 and have never had the desire to accomplish my "womanly duties". But then I also think that the world is currently overpopulated, and if I ever feel the need or desire to have children, I mostly likely adopt. 

The pressure we face to live up to the expectations society has for us as women is ridiculous sometimes. 

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The whole thing that got me started on thinking I might be asexual was back when I was 18 I was dating an older female that identified as such and while I couldn't personally imagine having sex at the time I did really want to at least give it a shot because I figured it's something that people do. The definitions back then were really confusing for me because I thought it meant not even wanting to self-pleasure which is why I initially dismissed the thought altogether. A year later when I actually did have sex for the first time I didn't really care for being touched myself but I did enjoy reciprocating...at the time I just thought since she wasn't very experienced then maybe that's why I didn't like it. Fast forward to me at 22 I started dating a female and married her and things weren't necessarily bad but I still didn't like being on the receiving end very often. I'm still not even sure what word really defines me because I don't mind giving sometimes...I hate all of the labels society has come up with over the years. I personally feel like it just makes everything that much more confusing. Thankfully I'm no longer married and hopefully I'm able to meet someone that fits with me but I feel like with all of the labels we have to go through now days there's just so much I'll have to go over with someone that I might one day want to be in a relationship with.

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On 12/6/2016 at 0:29 PM, The Frost Dragon said:

So, just because I'm a woman, that means I have to have kids? We're not in a time where there's a shortage of people anymore, so why do we still have that mentality?

There's still a lot of social pressure for women to want kids. It's starting to ease off as more and more women (and men) step forward, saying they prefer a child free existence.

I never received pressure to get married or have kids from my parents, nor, really anyone else really ... at least not until my niece came along and started asking me when I was going do these things! Happily, she's now of an age where I can explain that it just isn't happening and to move along with her own dreams.

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Sparrow of Spring
On December 9, 2016 at 2:58 PM, fuzzipueo said:

There's still a lot of social pressure for women to want kids. It's starting to ease off as more and more women (and men) step forward, saying they prefer a child free existence.

I never received pressure to get married or have kids from my parents, nor, really anyone else really ... at least not until my niece came along and started asking me when I was going do these things! Happily, she's now of an age where I can explain that it just isn't happening and to move along with her own dreams.

This post has been deleted.

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On 7/25/2016 at 0:02 PM, SpIatacus said:

I guess you could pull the age old question of "When did you know you were heterosexual?"

LOL now that's good.

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I’m definitely envious of people who know for definite if they do or do not want children .I have so many conflicting emotions and it’s difficult to say how much of an influence societal pressure has had on the way I feel. Right now I know I wouldn’t want to get pregnant and I can’t say I have ever felt broody but if I was to be told I had fertility issues and I couldn’t get pregnant I would be really upset. I suppose it’s because it feels like the choice is being taken away. I remember feeling this way when I was waiting to have a scan. I was so stressed and worried about the results beforehand not just because of what they may find but that I wouldn’t be able to have a baby someday. I remember feeling so relieved when I was told everything was fine but then feeling stupid that I got upset over this hypothetical pregnancy that I don’t want but  might in the future.

  

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Galactic Turtle

Kids have always been a strange topic. My parents say it can be complicated and confusing because kids might not be something that I want mentally but something I need spiritually... kind of like having kids will help complete my soul. By itself I find the whole concept of pregnancy disgusting. Especially when it's the Mother's Day service at church and random old ladies give me spare flowers at the end and make comments like "your kids will be so beautiful someday" it kind of makes me cry on the inside... from the disgust. Being a woman in general, really, feels filthy... to me personally.

 

There's also another part of me that gets really happy when people say they're proud of me or that I did a good job. It's part of the reason why I pushed so hard in the sports I played and put in so much extra effort at work but the closer the person is to me, the better it feels when I make them happy which I think is pretty normal. But that's where it gets a little bit complicated as well. The more I deny something that someone I care about wants, the more pressure I feel to do something else for them that will make them almost just as happy. Like I won't apply to the college they want but I'll apply to the college ranked #1 in the area of study I'm interested in, I'll get in early decision, and I'll graduate early as well with a job waiting for me. I won't "put myself out there" to be asked to prom but I'll wear this objectively pretty dress even though it makes me feel like I'm walking around naked and yes I'll make sure to say hi to the son of that lady at church while I'm there. No I don't want to date but if you find someone for me I'll agree to meet him and I'll try my best to like him.

 

Now this hypothetical man has my family's favor and people are used to him being around. His happiness is now their happiness because he'll talk so much to them about me. Like children, they say a man will make me into a better person, that he'll improve my soul. I don't want to get married or share a bed with someone but everyone would be so proud of me if I did. I don't want anyone to touch me but if I put in enough effort to separate myself from what's actually happening then maybe I'll be able to get through it without pushing away and crying like a freak like I've done in the past. Then above everything else if I were to get pregnant it would make every single person in both my immediate and extended family so so so so happy. I'd be like a real person. There's just so many obstacles between where I am now and that point. I have a gut feeling that it's all going to happen which is why I just kind of want time to stop.

 

I don't think it's uncommon though to want to do things for people especially if it's in line with the general world's opinion on how your life will probably go.

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4 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Kids have always been a strange topic. My parents say it can be complicated and confusing because kids might not be something that I want mentally but something I need spiritually... kind of like having kids will help complete my soul. By itself I find the whole concept of pregnancy disgusting. Especially when it's the Mother's Day service at church and random old ladies give me spare flowers at the end and make comments like "your kids will be so beautiful someday" it kind of makes me cry on the inside... from the disgust. Being a woman in general, really, feels filthy... to me personally.

 

There's also another part of me that gets really happy when people say they're proud of me or that I did a good job. It's part of the reason why I pushed so hard in the sports I played and put in so much extra effort at work but the closer the person is to me, the better it feels when I make them happy which I think is pretty normal. But that's where it gets a little bit complicated as well. The more I deny something that someone I care about wants, the more pressure I feel to do something else for them that will make them almost just as happy. Like I won't apply to the college they want but I'll apply to the college ranked #1 in the area of study I'm interested in, I'll get in early decision, and I'll graduate early as well with a job waiting for me. I won't "put myself out there" to be asked to prom but I'll wear this objectively pretty dress even though it makes me feel like I'm walking around naked and yes I'll make sure to say hi to the son of that lady at church while I'm there. No I don't want to date but if you find someone for me I'll agree to meet him and I'll try my best to like him.

 

Now this hypothetical man has my family's favor and people are used to him being around. His happiness is now their happiness because he'll talk so much to them about me. Like children, they say a man will make me into a better person, that he'll improve my soul. I don't want to get married or share a bed with someone but everyone would be so proud of me if I did. I don't want anyone to touch me but if I put in enough effort to separate myself from what's actually happening then maybe I'll be able to get through it without pushing away and crying like a freak like I've done in the past. Then above everything else if I were to get pregnant it would make every single person in both my immediate and extended family so so so so happy. I'd be like a real person. There's just so many obstacles between where I am now and that point. I have a gut feeling that it's all going to happen which is why I just kind of want time to stop.

 

I don't think it's uncommon though to want to do things for people especially if it's in line with the general world's opinion on how your life will probably go.

I really think it's great that you want to make everyone around you happy. Really though, you need to put your own needs first. It's like how they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first on an airplane before assisting others. You can't help other people if you're suffocating. 

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I have this friend and I was enjoying the whole part of friendship. He talked to me stuff like he wanted to have children and get married and I was like oh I don't (I gave my opinion of my perspective) . He talked about how sometimes there are things you don't like that are good for you in the end or you have to try them until you like them and motherhood is something al women have it just needs to awaken. I was against this kind of view but it's like ok it's not that we are dating or something, we are friends. It's ok to have different views, I respect them. 

 

We were talking that sometimes people want different things and when they don't get them they get angry, that's why you should talk about your intentions since the beginning and then he told me he liked to know people as friends to see if something else happens. Now I feel so pressured, I am always oblivious of if they are hitting me. We have been talking for several months (they have told me that if you talk with someone a lot and see each other often is  considered like pre dating whaaaat? is that true?) I thought you could have friends and talk to them without  "he/she talks to me its obvious he likes me"

 

 What I really hate is that our mutual friends from school are like 8) eah eah you should give him an opportunity, yeah bro impress her. I stated him that we are only friends and they are like: you don't know if it will turn to something else, you might get attracted to him , give him a chance bla bla bla. I don't feel that if I haven't been attracted since the first moment I saw him and the months we've been talking I didn't get that attraction thing I won't get it in the future. Now I am afraid to hang out with him even if he told me that it was in a friendly way. TTnTT

 

I do want romance (just hugging, holding hands, talking, being like best friends maybe even kissing) but I don't feel that way towards eveyone. They have to be really close to me and only if I feel like that "butterfly thingy" . Even if they are nice, handsome, cool, inteligent and I don't feel those sparks or connection.... I can't and I don't think you can create those feelings and force them.

 

I do want to stay as friends but I usually run away from this kind of situations cause I don't know how to handle them and maybe deep in my mind I am afraid to feel  something false just to feel"if that feeling can be born". Like when I dated someone, kissing was like I still don't get how this is awesome, maybe if I do it more I will get it (that kind of situation) but even if you do it you feel its not  the most amazing thing in the world but you don't know if there is a missing part within yourself.  Have you felt something similar? How have you dealt with these situations?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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butterflydreams
11 hours ago, Udon23 said:

Have you felt something similar? How have you dealt with these situations?

No, I haven't really felt the way you're describing, but I'd strongly suggest following your own intuition and feelings on the matter. This is a really lousy thing to let others push you into if you're not into it. That I have done before. The feeling of "well, maybe if I do it I'll understand what all these people are going on about, even though I don't inherently want to." I can tell you 100% personal experience, if something is truly right for you, you'll feel it deep inside like you know it. Only then should you do something. We all arrive at ourselves at different times and by different means. That's ok! I tried to play a role for so many years. I had pretty much convinced myself that I was a heterosexual guy, despite mounds of evidence to the contrary. But when you do that, when you play a role, nothing is smooth. Everything feels forced, complicated and draining. That's not how it is, or how it has to be. You were built how you were built. That internal programming is there, and you just get it for free! All you have to do is let it run unaltered. *hugs*

 

PS, it's a bit early where I am, hopefully this made sense and was helpful :)

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On 12/13/2016 at 11:49 AM, violet_rose said:

I’m definitely envious of people who know for definite if they do or do not want children .I have so many conflicting emotions and it’s difficult to say how much of an influence societal pressure has had on the way I feel. 

In the childfree community people who aren't sure are called fencesitters. It's better to know you're unsure. There's too many stories about long term partnerships where a partner just changes their mind because they weren't really that sure in the first place.

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On 12/16/2016 at 8:15 PM, borkfork said:

 It's better to know you're unsure. There's too many stories about long term partnerships where a partner just changes their mind because they weren't really that sure in the first place.

I think that’s definitely a more constructive way of looking at things, instead of forcing a decision I should just embrace my uncertainty. I feel like it’s probably a fear of regret more than anything.

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I find it absolutely impossible to date, as an asexual demiromantic woman who has chronic health conditions and food allergies.  It's like there is  sign on my head telling guys to run the other way.  How do you do it?

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