Jump to content

Asexual Women Musings


Recommended Posts

UncommonNonsense

Thanks again for your insight! Very much appreciated!!! :-D

You're very welcome!

Question for people here, I've begun to realize I have some major, major self-esteem issues, and I don't think I'm the only one in this. Has anyone here ever had problems with low self-esteem? What did you do to help it? I'd be especially interested if you have any thoughts on how asexuality might play into it.

Me. Not really sure where it comes from, other than the societal shit all female/female-bodied people get handed over not being good-looking enough, thin enough, sexy enough, etc, despite my not even really caring about all those things. I think part of it is also feeling inadequate due to my poor social skills and just not measuring up to my own personal demands sometimes.

I haven't really found a way around it yet.

I don't think being ace is part of those issues. With me, I think it has more to do with being short, fat, and plain of face in a family where most of the other women are tall, slim, and very good looking (my aunt is a former Estee Lauder model, for crying out loud), and being a person with learning disabilities whose mother always put intense demands for scholastic success on them - demands I could not live up to no matter how hard I tried.

If anything, I feel good about being ace.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

hello, 25 years old AroAce, here to vent.

I had a conversation with my sister the other day, and she told me she was Bi, which okay, I had already guessed but I'm happy she felt comfortable enough with me that she told me. So I tell her that's awesome and that I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum 'cause I'm asexual. I didn't mention the aromantic part, I didn't have the time, before she asks "demi or grey?" Like It's not even an option to just be Ace, obviously one day I'll want to have sex with someone. And that just hurts. Because I never asked her to "choose a side" she's bi if she's dating a guy ; she's bi if she's dating a girl ; she's bi if she's single. My little sister is bisexual and that's not conditionnal to anything, it just is. I never had to learn that, it's just common sense.

But me? I say I'm ace and she doesn't think I know what I'm saying. She probably didn't mean anything by that but now everytime I try to say I'm aromantic asexual, the words won't come out. I never told my parents, never told my friends, and everytime I try, I choke.

And I am so sick and tired of my aunt wishing me to find a boyfriend, like you wish someone to have good health, and my classmates trying to get to know me "so, do you have a boyfriend? girlfriend?", and talking with friends I haven't seen in a while "so, what's new in your life, you seeing anyone, anyone catch you eye?".

Once, at my last summer job, I told a coworker I was ace. And then spend the rest of the week justifiying myself and my sexuality.

I am just so tired of it.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome, Atilan :cake:

I'm sorry your sister doesn't accept your asexuality. It's difficult to prove a negative, though you would hope by 25 people would stop assuming you're merely confused and need to find yourself. <_<

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My experiences as an asexual woman cant speak for every asexual woman but mine have been mostly positive.

My friends have been very supportive and so have my mother.

However, even though in all the relationships i have had have been with non asexual people- I can't help but feel i'm not good enough for satisfying their needs.

Before I even realized I was asexual an old boyfriend of mine was frustrated that I didn't want to do anything with him. I felt bad as he thought it was his fault that i wasn't turned on by what he did. There was one indecent where he didn't force me to do anything but i could tell he was getting annoyed with ... how i was.

I know asexual people and sexual people can be in relationships but for me its never worked. Im not opposed to having sex - I'm just not bothered about it.

I've not been in a relationship where we are both happy and not frustrated with one another about sexual things.

As a romantic asexual i would love to find someone to share that with. Relationships take work and I am prepared to put that work in.

But i always feel as I'm not good enough. As a person who has only had relationships with men i also feel more pressured as stereotypicaly men have a big drive for sex.

Although thats not the case for every man I just feel society has made us feel like we have to be sexual when really its a private thing- an intimate thing.

Overall I feel a bit pressured to be a lot more sexual than i really am.

(sorry for the rant D:)

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Also as a female asexual, we also have the added bonus of MENSTRUATION! That's right, that godforsaken hellhole in which Lucifer provides a week-long blood thunderstorm in. It's hilarious because I, as an asexual, do not experience sexual attraction and am sex-repulsed, have almost no need of monthly torture.

yes this

Link to post
Share on other sites

My experiences as an asexual woman cant speak for every asexual woman but mine have been mostly positive.

My friends have been very supportive and so have my mother.

However, even though in all the relationships i have had have been with non asexual people- I can't help but feel i'm not good enough for satisfying their needs.

Before I even realized I was asexual an old boyfriend of mine was frustrated that I didn't want to do anything with him. I felt bad as he thought it was his fault that i wasn't turned on by what he did. There was one indecent where he didn't force me to do anything but i could tell he was getting annoyed with ... how i was.

I know asexual people and sexual people can be in relationships but for me its never worked. Im not opposed to having sex - I'm just not bothered about it.

I've not been in a relationship where we are both happy and not frustrated with one another about sexual things.

As a romantic asexual i would love to find someone to share that with. Relationships take work and I am prepared to put that work in.

But i always feel as I'm not good enough. As a person who has only had relationships with men i also feel more pressured as stereotypicaly men have a big drive for sex.

Although thats not the case for every man I just feel society has made us feel like we have to be sexual when really its a private thing- an intimate thing.

Overall I feel a bit pressured to be a lot more sexual than i really am.

(sorry for the rant D:)

I feel this 100%.

In all my previous relationships with men, I always felt I wasn't good enough either because once it came down to sexual intimacy, I just didn't really care at the end of the day. I'd rather eat a good dinner, read a book, or take a nap. It's so frustrating feeling like relationships must revolve so heavily around sex, and if you can't put out, everything else you shared doesn't really matter (that's dramatic, but sometimes it truly felt that way..) In the end, these relationships never worked out for me either.

I hate to admit it, but I also stereotype men as having an intense sex drive, which, now that I've gotten out of my previous relationship, has made me very wary of men as potential relationship material in the future. It's not a good thing, but in previous experiences it's just been the unavoidable case.

Anyway, I totally know where you're coming from. :')

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Snow cone, and yeah, I wish but it's life I guess, I'm resigned to nerver feeling like myself when there are people around.

Although thats not the case for every man I just feel society has made us feel like we have to be sexual when really its a private thing- an intimate thing.

Overall I feel a bit pressured to be a lot more sexual than i really am.

I get that too I never had a relationship, but with society being the way it is, I think we all somewhat feel the pressure to be more sexual

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not desire a relationship with a man, yet I still feel like I should be a kind of woman a man would want, like it's part of my purpose anyway.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams

But i always feel as I'm not good enough. As a person who has only had relationships with men i also feel more pressured as stereotypicaly men have a big drive for sex.

Although thats not the case for every man I just feel society has made us feel like we have to be sexual when really its a private thing- an intimate thing.

Overall I feel a bit pressured to be a lot more sexual than i really am.

(sorry for the rant D:)

Wow...throwing my hat into the agreement ring on this. Though I urge caution when stereotyping men as having high sex drives, or men being overly focused on sex. There are loads of guys out there who don't want to be that way, and may feel pressure themselves into doing things they don't want to do. Not a good situation for anyone involved really.

I know I definitely feel pressured to be more sexual than I am, and it sucks. I always feel like I have to describe myself at my absolute limit when truthfully, I'm much more comfortable at about half that. I feel like I hear mixed messages from friends too. Sometimes it's, "Relationships are about so much more than sex. Sex is just a bonus" but sometimes it's, "Well, you have to figure out sex somehow. Because it is pretty damn important." It's like it clouds everything and I can't suss out on my own how I feel. It's so frustrating.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
butterflydreams

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

I do on an almost constant basis, though in adulthood it's less of an issue than when I was young. For me it has a lot to do with weight and many feminine characteristics that don't come naturally to me, like a nurturing attitude or interest in things like cooking or gardening or whatever. I feel like I need to assert my femininity in combination with confidence/strength through wearing makeup and moderately feminine clothing but with an assertive demeanour (or I try to, at least).

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

Not at all, I'm perceived as feminine no matter what I do.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

not really, or sort of. sometimes i will dress nice with the explicit reasoning that i am doing so to show other people up or show that im confident and well put together, and hotter than you. i think that more goes along with our society valuing beauty in women as a very important character trait almost, so that knowing you are a mysterious beautiful woman amongst your group will make you feel like your more valuable than them-- like i have 'something special' or am 'a cut above the rest.'

but i dont really get the need to feel like woman to get this feeling, because if i can pull off a really masculine or really edgy look or whatever its the same type of feeling. i know other cis women who complain when they have to wear mens pants because they loose their shape, and i dont care about that stuff at all. i dont thinks theres any real gendered practice that i do regularly to feel like a woman, although there might be a few masculine ones that ill do too feel 'cool,' or like i could pass as a man if i wanted too. i also dont get why men get upset if they dont feel like a man.

for me gender is just something that is, i think the places where i identify most with my gender is just in being biologically female... but then again, if it turned out i was intersex and infertile the whole time, would my gender identity as 'woman' change? probably not. so w/e, gender is socially defined and all that.

tdlr no i dont feel like i need to assert my femininity really... beauty, worth, sure.. but not femininity necessarily

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/17/2016 at 4:17 PM, Hadley167 said:

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

I've only ever had my femininity challenged by other women. I do a lot of stereotypically male things: classic cars, maintaining my own car, hockey, carpentry, beer. 

I don't devote tons of time and mental resources to finding a mate. I don't drink wine (apparently that's a thing?), watch shows like Sex & the City, think of shopping as hobby. I still use cosmetics and wear the occasional skirt or dress. I've had super short hair and hair long enough to donate. 

I've never felt like I had to earn it. I stopped caring a long time ago which is assertive in its own way. When I was younger somehow "My boobs are bigger than yours" was a solid argument. No idea why.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/17/2016 at 6:17 PM, Hadley167 said:

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

Hmm no not really but I relate to a lot of what Snow said. I don't feel like I have to earn womanhood or femininity but I do feel that I have to earn the "appreciation" or regard that people have of women as pretty. Women in general seem to be considered beautiful so I feel a pressure to qualify and fit into that.

On the other hand, I feel like I run into the "but this is what a woman should be like" problem fairly often. I've never really given a damn about a lot of what women were supposed to be interested, I don't share so-called "female" priorities, and I've got a lot of crap for not "thinking" or reacting like a woman (usually from women).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I haven't dated much, but next year I'm off to university and I'm truly terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm a fairly attractive cis female with a big butt, and I've read a lot of horror stories about women denying men sex (especially men university aged). I just don't know what to expect next year and am trying to prepare myself anyway possible.

Any tips?

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, LorTheGrayAce said:

I haven't dated much, but next year I'm off to university and I'm truly terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm a fairly attractive cis female with a big butt, and I've read a lot of horror stories about women denying men sex (especially men university aged). I just don't know what to expect next year and am trying to prepare myself anyway possible.

Any tips?

(Full disclaimer I am a guy, and I was in university a decade ago)  When I was at university, I didn't see much sex at all, but, I wasn't in the dorms, or go to any of the pubs or bars.  From what I understand, alcohol was usually involved in the horror stories from university.  If you are in a female dominated major (say, early childhood education or fashion) stay away from the mixers between your major and a male dominated major (Comp. Sci, engineering) because those, from my experience, were usually just for hook ups.  (I was in engineering, and they had mixers with the fashion major which were more or less like that).

Though, as an ace guy in university, I didn't really hang around the hyper-sexual jackasses you are worried about, so, I can't offer much insight into their minds.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams

Aww, don't throw the computer science kids under the bus. We were always far too busy to be getting into anything sexual. When I was in school, the highest sexual guys were all in business or something related. The engineering, math and comp sci kids were just nerds. There were a lot of very sexual women too. Mostly in communications, and business.

Regardless, just stay away from alcohol. That'll be your best bet. And don't believe all the horror stories. Most people in university are nice caring people. The idiots make themselves well known and are generally easily avoided.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, LorTheGrayAce said:

I haven't dated much, but next year I'm off to university and I'm truly terrified of what is going to happen.

I'm a fairly attractive cis female with a big butt, and I've read a lot of horror stories about women denying men sex (especially men university aged). I just don't know what to expect next year and am trying to prepare myself anyway possible.

Any tips?

Arrange with other women to look out for each other. Unfortunately Zash is right about social gatherings for male-dominated faculties. Engineering and dentistry departments in various universities across Canada have been exposed as dangerously misogynistic in their student culture.

Familiarize yourself with campus security or other safety resources. If there are student groups for women or LGBT+ folks then stop by there early on to simply say hello. If you've done that even once, it will feel less awkward if you ever feel the need to go there for peer support or information.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Hadley167 said:

Aww, don't throw the computer science kids under the bus. We were always far too busy to be getting into anything sexual. When I was in school, the highest sexual guys were all in business or something related. The engineering, math and comp sci kids were just nerds. There were a lot of very sexual women too. Mostly in communications, and business.

I was just using them as examples of male dominated fields.  At least 10 years ago when I was in university.  I had a minor in compsci, and the grand total of female students combined in all my math/science/engineering and compsci courses was 13.  Out of 200-odd students.  Things may have changed since then, but, was just talking about my experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/17/2016 at 7:17 PM, Hadley167 said:

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

My personal experience with "earning" or "asserting" womanhood and femininity had a lot to do with girl hate. I was taught- and largely society teaches us this- that we should be jealous of successful women and that we should compete with other women to be heard and seen. I was also taught that my sexual attractiveness was my self-worth. So when I was younger I would earn/assert my womanhood by constantly tearing apart and criticizing other women behind their backs for how they dressed, acted, spoke, etc. and by making a personal evaluation on whether I approved of how they filled the female gender role. And I always felt that they might attack me if I didn't get to them first. In addition, I felt that it was necessary to be sexually attractive all the time, and that how I earned my womanhood was by receiving looks from men, catcalls, receiving phone numbers, basically anything else that told me I was filling that "sexy woman role" to the men around me.

That being said, I have grown out of this. I had some very awful, insecure, and hurtful parts of my personality. I am still working to untie my self-worth from perceived sexual attractiveness. Being ace and sometimes still feeling that "but I need to be sexy for men!!!!!" alert has been very confusing, but good for me. All I have to do is remind myself why it matters to me to be sexually attractive to men when I'm not interested in filling that role on a very basic level. That disjunct in thought has also made me face some tough things about myself. Whenever those thoughts pop up, it makes me think long and hard about the thoughts I am having about other people- am I tearing them down? Am I being critical? Destructive? Girl hate is a very insidious thing and many authors have written articles about how we can't come together to throw off our own oppression if we're too busy tearing each other apart. And that by participating, we become complicit in it. And that's so true. I know that not everyone has this experience with girl hate being their way of asserting/earning their womanhood, but I think it is a relatively common phenomenon and I hope the trend of speaking out about it continues. Messages saying there is no "right way" to be a person are so important to combat the gender roles that society has taught us and the idea that we should antagonize anyone who doesn't fit them.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, lec16 said:

That being said, I have grown out of this. I had some very awful, insecure, and hurtful parts of my personality. I am still working to untie my self-worth from perceived sexual attractiveness. Being ace and sometimes still feeling that "but I need to be sexy for men!!!!!" alert has been very confusing, but good for me. All I have to do is remind myself why it matters to me to be sexually attractive to men when I'm not interested in filling that role on a very basic level. That disjunct in thought has also made me face some tough things about myself. Whenever those thoughts pop up, it makes me think long and hard about the thoughts I am having about other people- am I tearing them down? Am I being critical? Destructive? Girl hate is a very insidious thing and many authors have written articles about how we can't come together to throw off our own oppression if we're too busy tearing each other apart. And that by participating, we become complicit in it. And that's so true. I know that not everyone has this experience with girl hate being their way of asserting/earning their womanhood, but I think it is a relatively common phenomenon and I hope the trend of speaking out about it continues. Messages saying there is no "right way" to be a person are so important to combat the gender roles that society has taught us and the idea that we should antagonize anyone who doesn't fit them.

I can relate to this soooooo much.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

My was aunt doing the "Oh you have time to change your mind" thing recently when I said I'm not having children. I'm not ten; it's safe to say I've put some thought into my decision. Bless my mom, she just looked at her sister and shook her head like STFU. 

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 18-11-2016 at 1:17 AM, Hadley167 said:

Wondering if anyone here might want to weigh in on this.

If you are a cis woman, have you ever felt like you had to earn your womanhood/femininity? I get why I sometimes feel this way, but it occurred to me that maybe cis women feel the same way to some extent.

If you do feel that way, what have you tried to do to "earn" or "assert" it?

Yes, me! I'm a female at birth and had serious issues with the stereotypical gender roles that was being placed on me and it was a part of the struggles i have with my gender identity.I just don't feel like i'm supposed to be the one to make sure men are sexually attracted to me, Just take me as i am and I'll be good, I sometimes wonder why this is so super mandatory.It kinda makes me want to cringe. I have had experience with girl hate coming from an christian enviroment, you have to get married, have kids and a nice place to live in. Oh yes, you also have to be obedient and super nice to your husband because he is the head of the family and let's not forget: Give sex to him whenever he is asking for it because sex is imporant. You can't be an aro ace girl in such an enviroment where initiating sexual attraction is mandatory, I have had some serious issues with earning my femininity in a christian enviroment. It is harder then you think. I envy those who have successfully done so. I wanna know their secret. My mom still tries to convince me about getting a husband and a few kids and for me to pray for it. Just give me a couple of years to think about that one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate

I told my mom that I don't ever want kids, her answer was "that's okay, I'll just have grandkittens instead." 

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
butterflydreams

My mom won't ever admit it, but I think part of the reason she's so upset with me is that she does want grandkids. And heck, I wouldn't even rule it out, but I don't know how to make it happen (both biologically and economically). I have two friends, one has kids, the other is probably gonna have them soon. It's tough because it's something I'd like myself, but it seems impossible. I can't "just do it" like they can. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A lot more seems to go into the decision to have kids when it's not the natural outcome of the relationship (i.e. cishet sexual). In a way it's great that you never have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy, but I would think it's also harder to make the decision because you can't just make one swift random decision to go for it. It's like when you want to try a new food. If it's already on the menu of where you eat all the time, you'll just change your order that day. If it's not on that menu, you have to think about where you can get it and if it's worth it and if you really want it. Except kids are much, much more complex a decision... :unsure:

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 25/11/2016 at 9:57 PM, lec16 said:

I am still working to untie my self-worth from perceived sexual attractiveness. Being ace and sometimes still feeling that "but I need to be sexy for men!!!!!" alert has been very confusing, but good for me. All I have to do is remind myself why it matters to me to be sexually attractive to men when I'm not interested in filling that role on a very basic level.

I agree with the entire post, but this part stood out to me the most. I don't think I'm ace, but I can relate to that.
I've always felt bad for not being attractive and not having many men interested in me (at least not as many as my friends usually have), but I've never understood why I'd want/seek male approval if I don't want a relationship with them. It has never made any sense to me, and I started to think if it's something hardwired in me. Most importantly, how do I stop thinking like that? 

To me, trying to convince myself that it's not my job to be a pretty, shining piece of decoration and that I'm not completely worthless just because I'm not attractive is the hardest part of being a woman. And I gotta say that being looked down upon for being single for my whole life definitely doesn't help. No one even considers the possibility that some people (especially women) are single by choice. But the funny thing is that when one of my friends implies that I'm single because I'm romantically/sexually rejected by men, I always feel the need to yell "BUT SOME MEN HAVE SHOWN INTEREST IN ME!". It kind of shows that, even though it doesn't make a difference because I genuinely like being single and plan on staying that way, I still need to prove my worth and tell people (and myself) that I still get male attention... And I hate myself for it! :angry::sad:

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...