Asexual Women Musings

[bookeater807]

I'm worried that I will never find a relationship that doesn't expect sex of me. 

 

[Aloney]

1 hour ago, bookeater807 said:

I'm worried that I will never find a relationship that doesn't expect sex of me. 

 

Oh dear goodness, same 😑 I really would love a relationship with, well, in my case, a lot of cuddling and hugs and being all domestic together and reading books and having deep conversations, buuut.... is there someone in my country, or someone I would actually have a possibility of meeting, who would think that is enough? 😕 

[Skycaptain]

10 hours ago, bookeater807 said:

I'm worried that I will never find a relationship that doesn't expect sex of me. 

 

If it's any consolation, many asexual males have the same worries 

[TheLastOfSheila]

21 hours ago, Skycaptain said:

If it's any consolation, many asexual males have the same worries 

So why is it so hard for us to find each other, that is in the hetero spectrum?  I never met a man, in person, who identified as asexual.  Never.  I have briefly corresponded with a few, but I have gotten the impression that, even if a hetero male is asexual, he still is very hung up on aesthetics, and will only be interested in women who "look a certain way".  If someone identifies as asexual because that person does not feel sexual attraction towards others, why the hell do looks still matter so much?  Not trying to be difficult or obtuse here.  I really am trying to understand.

[Autumn Season]

And most ace men I met, gave off a strong aro vibe.

[Gentle Giant]

On 9/22/2018 at 10:34 PM, DeltaBird said:

I still don't understand how he got elected, with all of his awful, awful talk about women. There are actually women who voted for him and support him now, which I couldn't believe!

Lately I noticed that one of the residents at the nursing home has an autographed photo of Trump in her room. I thought to myself, how could this nice lady stand that horrible man!? I just don’t know how good decent folks could vote for, support and defend him. When I found out he was elected I was so upset! I've never felt that upset about an election before. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone! He is such a terrible example for children and representing and leading our country!

[daveb]

5 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

do looks still matter so much? 

I can only speak for myself, but aesthetic attraction is part of my personal model of attraction. One part among several others. Not the most important and certainly not the only part, but still significant. Why? Who knows. 

 

5 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

aro vibe

What's an aro vibe?

(wonders if I give one off even though I consider myself a romantic)  

[LVG]

1 hour ago, daveb said:

I can only speak for myself, but aesthetic attraction is part of my personal model of attraction. One part among several others. Not the most important and certainly not the only part, but still significant. Why? Who knows. 

 

What's an aro vibe?

(wonders if I give one off even though I consider myself a romantic)  

I feel the same as Dave.

 

As for an aro vibe, I think that they give an impression that they're not interested at all in a relationship, even with another asexual. 

[RakshaTheCat]

9 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

So why is it so hard for us to find each other, that is in the hetero spectrum?  I never met a man, in person, who identified as asexual.  Never.  I have briefly corresponded with a few, but I have gotten the impression that, even if a hetero male is asexual, he still is very hung up on aesthetics, and will only be interested in women who "look a certain way".  If someone identifies as asexual because that person does not feel sexual attraction towards others, why the hell do looks still matter so much?  Not trying to be difficult or obtuse here.  I really am trying to understand.

I don't care about aesthetics, its very easy for me to accept someones look, so you have one example already. But this seems to be actually a bad thing, since women often want to be told they look pretty, as if this was the only thing they cared about...

 

What kind of relationship are you trying to find? How are you trying to do this? It's hard to answer your question without more details.

For example, my idea of relationship is to happily share life together as best friends. This actually makes it quite complicated thing, since there are many variables to that. That's why I'm not really surprised it's hard to find someone. Especially since most people don't even treat relationships seriously.

[Snao Cone]

8 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

If someone identifies as asexual because that person does not feel sexual attraction towards others, why the hell do looks still matter so much?  Not trying to be difficult or obtuse here.  I really am trying to understand.

Partners still live lives together, including seeing each other every day (if they're not in a distance relationship). People can feel romantically moved by physical features of a person, as well as aesthetically pleased.

[daveb]

3 hours ago, LVG said:

As for an aro vibe, I think that they give an impression that they're not interested at all in a relationship, even with another asexual. 

Ah.

I'm not good with vibes or impressions or signals or anything. If people don't come right out and say something I assume that if a person is being nice to me it's either because they are nice to most people, it's part of their job, or at most they are being friendly (and even then I don't assume that means they want to be friends), and I don't go around telling people I want to be friends since I usually assume they don't. 

[Snao Cone]

I think I must give off an aro vibe, as people don't try to start relationships with me.

[TheLastOfSheila]

1 hour ago, Marcin said:

 women often want to be told they look pretty, as if this was the only thing they cared about...

Seems like kind of a blanket statement to make about women.  I don't need to be told often that I "look pretty".  I don't need anyone else to validate me or be my personal mirror.  So you have one example already.

[TheLastOfSheila]

1 hour ago, Marcin said:

What kind of relationship are you trying to find? How are you trying to do this? It's hard to answer your question without more details.

I'm not trying to find a relationship.  I was just posing questions based on my observations and experience; but I absolutely love being single these days.

[RakshaTheCat]

4 minutes ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

Seems like kind of a blanket statement to make about women.  I don't need to be told often that I "look pretty".  I don't need anyone else to validate me or be my personal mirror.  So you have one example already.

I actually know more of women like that, so no worries. That was the point though, you made blanket statement about men finding look important, and I noticed that most women actually like it that way. Just an observation, nothing else

[Neutral nerd]

I would say there are some men who naturally focus on looks, and a lot more others who do it just because society tells them it's important. The same is true of women. 

[Autumn Season]

14 hours ago, daveb said:

What's an aro vibe?

(wonders if I give one off even though I consider myself a romantic)  

 

13 hours ago, LVG said:

As for an aro vibe, I think that they give an impression that they're not interested at all in a relationship, even with another asexual. 

Exactly. No interest towards anybody. 

When I am talking with somebody (offline especially, but online too), I can feel the romantic sparks. The other might or might not want to be in a relationship with me, but the general romantic interest is there. And if two people next to me are hitting it off, I can sense it. There is some kind of romantic excitement involved.

Aros can be excited during a conversation as well, but somehow it feels completely different. When I am talking with an aro or somebody who has their walls up, then I feel like I run into this metaphorical wall. It's a confusing feeling, since I don't get it often. It feels like I cannot get through to them, even though technically there is no place to get through to start with. 

Edit: But everybody experiences romance differently; it's hard to say what is romantic for people in general.

 

 

11 hours ago, Marcin said:

I don't care about aesthetics, its very easy for me to accept someones look, so you have one example already. But this seems to be actually a bad thing, since women often want to be told they look pretty, as if this was the only thing they cared about...

Guilty. When my date told me that they don't know if I am beautiful, because they don't care about this stuff, I was very confused. I thought "Wait, since I am not pretty to them, does that mean I'm ugly?" Then again I was offended when another date liked the way I looked. Immediately I thought "So today I look nice, but what about yesterday or tomorrow?" With this kind of thing you just can't win.

Platonic relationships are way easier though. Then I am the happiest when they don't mention my appearance at all.

 

 

10 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I think I must give off an aro vibe, as people don't try to start relationships with me.

From what I can tell, you don't give off an aro vibe. I hope this is not disappointing?

[TheLastOfSheila]

12 hours ago, Marcin said:

I actually know more of women like that, so no worries. That was the point though, you made blanket statement about men finding look important, and I noticed that most women actually like it that way. Just an observation, nothing else

I didn't mean for my words to come off as a blanket statement, Marcin.  I apologize if they did.  I think what I said was that I had gotten the impression that even hetero-ace males are pre-occupied with aesthetics when looking to chose a companion.  However, there is no way that I could possibly know what goes on in the minds of every hetero-ace male on the planet.  It would be stupid on my part to assume so.  My observations were strictly personal ones, and I put them out there for discussion with my ace sisters and brothers.  That's all.

[Snao Cone]

2 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

From what I can tell, you don't give off an aro vibe. I hope this is not disappointing?

It's motivation to work harder at it.

[daveb]

3 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

When I am talking with somebody (offline especially, but online too), I can feel the romantic sparks. The other might or might not want to be in a relationship with me, but the general romantic interest is there. And if two people next to me are hitting it off, I can sense it. There is some kind of romantic excitement involved.

Fascinating (to quote Mr. Spock). I have never experienced that myself so it's interesting to hear other people do.

 

1 hour ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

pre-occupied with aesthetics when looking to chose a companion

I guess some people of all genders and sexualities are "pre-occupied" with aesthetics when deciding if someone could be a potential partner. For others it's a factor, but not a pre-occupation. I personally find it hard to believe that it doesn't figure in at all for some people, but I could be wrong. Maybe for some it really has no bearing and they are only concerned about things like personality and other non-physical factors.

[Autumn Season]

2 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

It's motivation to work harder at it.

 

[Homer]

Resting Snao yerFace

[RakshaTheCat]

3 hours ago, daveb said:

I personally find it hard to believe that it doesn't figure in at all for some people, but I could be wrong. Maybe for some it really has no bearing and they are only concerned about things like personality and other non-physical factors.

There are just so many other really important factors that it makes 'asthetics' completely unimportant.

[GrayLuna]

I recently started questioning if I was ace or not after ending a long term relationship where I had little to no desire for sex and would prefer kissing and cuddles, I recently met a guy who I thought was really cute but all he wanted was a hook up and I couldn’t even bring myself to say I think I might be ace,now I’m scared I’d be alone forever 

[ayananana]

2 hours ago, GrayLuna said:

I recently started questioning if I was ace or not after ending a long term relationship where I had little to no desire for sex and would prefer kissing and cuddles, I recently met a guy who I thought was really cute but all he wanted was a hook up and I couldn’t even bring myself to say I think I might be ace,now I’m scared I’d be alone forever 

Honestly, I also have the same problems. I don't like the idea of growing old alone. I once opened up and said this to my friends and they told me that the right person would accept me as I am. I was kind of mad at them when they told me this since all I can keep thinking was it was so easy for them to tell me that. Being allosexual and all. Maybe this helped, maybe not? But I just kept (and I'm still keeping) the mindset that I shouldn't look for a partner. They'll come at a right time. I know it's a bit romanticize but honestly, I really don't know if I am gonna find someone. I just keep on hoping, I guess?

[GrayLuna]

On 9/29/2018 at 4:37 AM, ayananana said:

Honestly, I also have the same problems. I don't like the idea of growing old alone. I once opened up and said this to my friends and they told me that the right person would accept me as I am. I was kind of mad at them when they told me this since all I can keep thinking was it was so easy for them to tell me that. Being allosexual and all. Maybe this helped, maybe not? But I just kept (and I'm still keeping) the mindset that I shouldn't look for a partner. They'll come at a right time. I know it's a bit romanticize but honestly, I really don't know if I am gonna find someone. I just keep on hoping, I guess?

Exactly I feel the same way, I’ve only told one person and I got the same reaction but I feel like it’s ok for someone to tell me not to worry about being alone and the right person would come around eventually but I don’t know if I completely believe it but if other Aces can find partners then maybe there’s a shred of hope left.

[Snao Cone]

15 minutes ago, GrayLuna said:

Exactly I feel the same way, I’ve only told one person and I got the same reaction but I feel like it’s ok for someone to tell me not to worry about being alone and the right person would come around eventually but I don’t know if I completely believe it but if other Aces can find partners then maybe there’s a shred of hope left.

There is hope. It might not be all rainbows and unicorns, because there is conflict in all relationships to some degree, and if a/sexuality is one difference between you and your partner, then it is likely going to be a source of some of that conflict. But there are ways to understand and make it work. People have managed that before. 

 

There's also a chance of meeting the right ace person, but that doesn't always work out because of all the other things that are needed to make relationships work. But you can keep trying.

[pma01]

I would love to have that type of a relationship. Kissing, cuddling, holding hands, a best friend, I love the romance, don’t want the sex

[GrayLuna]

On 9/30/2018 at 12:13 PM, Snao Cone said:

There is hope. It might not be all rainbows and unicorns, because there is conflict in all relationships to some degree, and if a/sexuality is one difference between you and your partner, then it is likely going to be a source of some of that conflict. But there are ways to understand and make it work. People have managed that before. 

 

There's also a chance of meeting the right ace person, but that doesn't always work out because of all the other things that are needed to make relationships work. But you can keep trying.

Thank you, so glad to be able to hear and believe there is still hope of a future with someone.

[Smange]

On 9/26/2018 at 7:56 AM, Autumn Season said:

 

“When I am talking with somebody (offline especially, but online too), I can feel the romantic sparks. The other might or might not want to be in a relationship with me, but the general romantic interest is there. And if two people next to me are hitting it off, I can sense it. There is some kind of romantic excitement involved.

Aros can be excited during a conversation as well, but somehow it feels completely different. When I am talking with an aro or somebody who has their walls up, then I feel like I run into this metaphorical wall. It's a confusing feeling, since I don't get it often. It feels like I cannot get through to them, even though technically there is no place to get through to start with.”

I relate to this, but in my case it’s less about sparks and more like... electrocution. Good actors/shows/movies can make me super uncomfortable to the point of turning off the scene or fast forwarding, so you can imagine how I feel when someone is hitting on me... like a deer in headlights. I’ve started telling dudes anecdotal stories about my asexuality, sort of like mentioning one has a significant other, but the ace version. I’ve been very disappointed by how many dudes talk to me out of pure sexual or romantic interest and never speak to me again once they learn my orientation. Trying not to let it bother me, but it feels...so gross. What would flatter allosexual women is my torment. I was always close to my dad and brothers, this type of treatment brings me to tears. I would keep it a secret, but then I have to deal with a man-tantrum later.