Asexual Women Musings

[LoisLane]

On 27 décembre 2017 at 2:36 PM, Snao Cone said:

Women older than me seem to call their female friends "girlfriends" as if it's an important distinction. I could adopt this to confuse her, but I also really hate it when people do that. So I won't.

I know this has been posted a few months ago but it made me chuckled because when I went to Canada to travel for a year, a few years ago, I did lots of couchsurfing and meeting people breefly without knowing them much and I remember being SO comfused by all those ladies/girls (not necessarily much older than I was, 24/25 at the time) using the term girlfriend all the time, I was pretty much convinced I was just meeting all the canadian lesbian ladies I guess which was great ahah

 

i facepalm when I think about it but it can be source of wonder from people that don't have English as a first language. I mean, not bragging but my english is very good so I knew I understood it correctly, but the context was making me wondering why not just say "friend", you know? So at first I thought it was a casual way to tell me their preference for some reasons (as we did not know much about each other) but after a few times of this happening to me, I finally realized it was a cultural thing (I found also present in New Zealand more recently) and that none of these awesome ladies were in fact gay... Ah well.

 

it was always really casual, but I do hope I did not come as weird out sometimes when I was trying to figure this out eheh

[Autumn Season]

When I studied Chinese in university, I learned to translate everything into male/ female-something. A female friend was a girlfriend, a male friend was a boyfriend and so on. But apparently my teachers weren't up to date. Because when I used the word "girlfriend" with my Chinese friends, they laughed. They understood that I used the term by mistake.

-

In Russian people use "girlfriend" and "(male) friend" instead of "friend". My mom, who is a native Russian speaker and regularly visits an English website, gets frustrated about the people who say "friend" without specifying whether the person is male or female. Personally, I don't understand why this piece of information is so important. A friend is a friend is a friend, aren't they?

[LoisLane]

Ok two posts in a row! I've actually been reading this entire thread in the last few days and I liked reading about your stories and different topics , my ladies, and after that I thought I'd say a little something myself

 

Beware, long long post ahead!

Spoiler

I felt connected with lots of povs, for different reasons and one that differs from many is that my parents don't put pressure on me, to have kids/sex/relationships. So that's good in a sense but it stills makes me feel a bit out of the norm because one of the reason they don't pressure me is because I had some "plumbing" problem at birth, and technically do not have a vigina so I guess they just think it's not in my power to have "conventional sex=penetration".

 

and I guess it helps that I have a sister that is now leaving with her boyfriend, she's probably going to fill that role. Already they have a cat my parents are crazy about ahah so I can't imagine how they'll be with grandkids.

it's not there yet, becauss my sister is 7years younger than I am, so she's still young but she seems to be ahead of everything compared to her loser of a big sister, yours truly, who has no job, no social life and apparently not much expected of her.

but also my sister is the best person in the whole world, so GO HER!

 

Also, even with the technical problems I had at birth, they also are very weary to talk about that stuff for some reason, as if I (or my sister, who does not have any problems) will bit their head off if they ask. Like literally, I remember one occasion vividly, the only one really, when my mom tentatively brought up the subject of dating with me, like "your dad wonder if you have a boyfriend/why you don't have one" it was very awkward. So yeah we're just not talking about it.

 

i mean, I'm almost 29 now, and I can obviously learn by myself, which I did, but I still feel a bit annoyed with my mom to never have talked it me about it, especially because I had direct problems in that area when I was younger and sure I understood what the doctor were telling me when I was 12 but apparently I did not know it all because just a few months ago, I had to go to the ob-gyn and she drove me there (I had surgery a bit before and did not want to drive) so she also came in the office with me, which I did not mind, that's when I learned that I did not have "a real vagina".

Now, I'm not saying I learn that fact just a few months ago, I had surgery when I was 12 to build one so I could have my periods, so I obviously knew it was different and much smaller than it should be and because I haven't been that much interested in having sex all those years I did not think much of it but I had read about similar cases and it's usually still possible with care and a bit of arrangement with your partner to actually manage it so I always thought I'll manage if I ever wanted to.

 

now, when the nice lady ob-gyn try to have a look, I warned her it was pretty much useless because you can't really "go in there" (sorry for the details, but it does seem useful for the point I'm trying to make I swear) and she confirmed what I read online, that usually you can still, even with reconstructed vaginas, have a look if you will. Except in my case you cannot because it just plainly hurts, you know? So the lady just nicely dropped it as soon as she saw me wince and that's when, and ONLY when, that my mom said from the other side that the professor that operated on me almost 17 frakking years ago, had told her it was not indeed a "real reconstructed" V (as I thought) but just enough to have my period (for other reasons) and I don'g know why but I felt so betrayed she never even TRY to tell me.

yeah sure, I'm not the most interested in sex but still, it seems like something you should bring up with your daughter, you know?

 

It might just seem like a detail for her, and to a certain extend, it's true it does not change my life that much, but I guess I still wanted to know that the cases I had looked up online, which are already pretty rare, and thought I could relate to and where I saw there was indeed solutions to this little problem, actually do not frakking apply to me.

 

gosh I'm sorry for the cursing but it upsetted me more than I thought it would. Like I said, I do identify as ace so you could think it would not concern me much but it still does.

i'm not absolutely against sex (for myself), I just was not that interested to perform it myself (I do enjoy listening to my friends stories though  ) or actively pursue it.

Now I guess I'm a bit more curious but still, especially after reading many posts on Haven, I'm more interested in a partner to have companionship and everything you can share than the sexual part of it. 

But being almost 29, with no experiencd whatsover, save a few dates and dancefloor partners when I was in uni (eons ago) I just don't know how to even START looking to find someone to want and cherish me (and me doing the same in return) when I have this "obstacle" of being asexual as well a physical one that even if I did wanted to (which once again, I think I would not mind once in a while) be intimate, I just couldn't.

 

and now, I know (I swear I KNOW) that there is more to intimacy or even sex than penetration but it still seems to be a big deal because it still seems to be expected. And really, even if there are probably people who would enjoy that better, I just don't know how to even find them and how to bring up the subject.

 

About children, I'm also so much on the fence because for the longest time I knew I wanted children.

I wanted to be a teen mom actually and now at 28 yo I'm so releave not to have any (yet).

Putting aside the medical aspect of it, I'm not sure anymore I actually want them.

The only condition I can see it happenning is if I find a partner. Right now I'm far from ready and it's not happening anytime soon.

 

And then, and only then, we'll have to see how to go about it because it's not certain I can have a baby myself. I have all the working part, put it still would be more difficult than just decide to have a kid (and then on top, I have endometriosis too now ahah when you're out of luck...) and would love to be pregnant.

i just don't want to force it because obviously my body is not as ready as the average woman for it, and while I don't believe in God and with everything medecine allows, I think there might be a reason not to force mother nature for something she obviously had not made easy for me to accomplish.

i know my aunt wanted a child, and after 2 miscarriages, she carried one son to term (and lost another stillborn I think) but I'm sorry to say he's heavily handicapped. As in lots of suffering and trip to the hospital...I just don't want have a child at all costs. No matter how medicine can make miracles and I'm sure my biological offsprings would be very good looking, I don't think it's fair to hypothically risk it.

now I gather it will be a convo I'll have with my partner if I even get one 

 

I'd love to adopt, and it's one thing my mom brought up when I was still at school. That I had go do well so I could have a good job so I could afford to adopt. Now, I don't have a good job, nor a home nor a partner so that's not in the cards right now but I wonder if I'll ever want to do it becauss here in France, it takes forever (5/7 YEARS) so there is also that... The process is so long it's already discouraging.

Silver lining, I have met a uk couple that adopted two kids and the whole process took much less time. Like 1 year each time! 

So there is hope I find a international partner that lives in a country with easier adopting laws.

Not one that put children (especially older ones) on a "adopting fashion show" where people go gawking at them and kid shopping with the option to return them later...it's so disturbing and disgusting! 

Children should not be treated that way and if I don't adopt, I hope to find someone to help me foster kids in the long term.

but like I said, I'm pretty unstable financially and career wise that it's not a near future plan but if I cannot have bio kids and I one day feel I'm ready to commit myself/want kids, I hope to do a little bit of good instead of bringing a new life into this chaotic world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Snao Cone]

@LoisLane I don't consider that swearing, as I have a fucking potty mouth. 😛

 

If I went through that experience I would be pissed at my parents for not telling me things about my own body that they knew about and/or chose to have done to me when I was a kid. When I was 11 I had major surgery and my parents made sure I understood it as much as I could at that age. Do you know if there was any medical reason to essentially give you periods? Like, would you face medical consequences if you didn't? If that's too prying of a question feel free not to answer and/or tell me to gtfo. I realize it's a very personal subject.

[LoisLane]

7 minutes ago, Autumn Season said:

When I studied Chinese in university, I learned to translate everything into male/ female-something. A female friend was a girlfriend, a male friend was a boyfriend and so on. But apparently my teachers weren't up to date. Because when I used the word "girlfriend" with my Chinese friends, they laughed. They understood that I used the term by mistake.

-

In Russian people use "girlfriend" and "(male) friend" instead of "friend". My mom, who is a native Russian speaker and regularly visits an English website, gets frustrated about the people who say "friend" without specifying whether the person is male or female. Personally, I don't understand why this piece of information is so important. A friend is a friend is a friend, aren't they?

Yes lots of it goes down go culture in this case but yeah I agree, I don't see why it matters what gender your friends are. Maybe in some situation but not all.

 

when it comes to it, it's true we have male/female words in French so the problem doesn't arise the same way.

with the word "friend" as an exemple it goes:

ami (male)

amie (female)

 

so it works in writting/reading but they are actually pronounced the same so it does tell you much, and in a more casual manner anyway, you'd probably use 

copain (male) 

copine (female)

BUT AGAIN it works in a friendly way and yet those two words also have the romantic meaning of the english "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", depending on context

(other words for the romantic meaning of boyfriend:petit ami and girlfriend:petite-amie)

 

so yeah I guess context, context, context!! Because even the first one (ami/amie) can be used in a more romantic way for people who are maybe not as upfront on their relationship as other, more discreet in a sense. It's also oftent used by certain people (some with a certain intonation, depending on their intent) to talk about same sex couples, or same sex couples using it to be a bit more neutral to discribe, a bit like partner I guess. It obviously works with everyone.

 

arrff I hope I make sense, it's so difficult to explain like that

[LoisLane]

2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

@LoisLane I don't consider that swearing, as I have a fucking potty mouth. 😛

 

If I went through that experience I would be pissed at my parents for not telling me things about my own body that they knew about and/or chose to have done to me when I was a kid. When I was 11 I had major surgery and my parents made sure I understood it as much as I could at that age. Do you know if there was any medical reason to essentially give you periods? Like, would you face medical consequences if you didn't? If that's too prying of a question feel free not to answer and/or tell me to gtfo. I realize it's a very personal subject.

No no, not too personal, I would not have brought it up otherwise

 

I don't know if I explained it well, but I did know pretty much everything, but I guess I thought it was a given, from what I understood, that I potentially could have (vaginal) sex one day (granted some ajustments) and that they indeed made me a actual fonctionnal vagina (with its stretching properties) but apparently I cannot and that was that point that my mom never care to tell me.

Like I said, they really don't like to talk about this stuff, and I can get not going into details when I was just 12 but a bit later? When I could potentially be interested in those things. 

But then, I guess it's also somewhat my fault, because I was not really interested anyway so...why bother? Like I don't have the "parts" so they don't expect me to "perform" in that way. I really think she meant well (my mom) and it's nice not to have them delusional and pushing me to be "normal" but well...I'm just a bit sad about it really, more than anything else.

very very bad communicators here, and I try to work on that myself now that I'm now aware of it also having affecting me.

 

As for why I got the surgery at 12, it's pretty simple: I have all the inside parts, uterus and all so I did get my periods except it just could not get out basically. So for the first 6 months I was supposed to have them, everytime it hurt like hell because I was basically emoraging internally. Fun times! I still went to school though ahah because I'm tough like that eheh

 

Now, the having kids part is a big maybe for me (more on the umprobable side) and I wondered why I bothered with it all if it ended up being basically for nothing at the end, but I recently had a big issue because of endometriosis this time (I swear I'm healthy otherwise but it's been difficult to claim that last year) and the surgeon really cared to not induce an early menopause and I'm now a bit more grateful to actually "be a woman in that way". It's a personal point of view, of course, in no way it determine what you need to "be a real woman" I was just really surprised to feel that way myself.

 

anyhow, now I'm taking the pill non-stop so I feel pretty good to not deal with all that stuff for now

 

 

[Autumn Season]

Ugh, this reminds me that I'm having my period soon. :((( I'd rather not deal with the pain and other issues, sigh. (I stopped taking the pill though because it depressed me.)

 

Apropos pain. I'm sorry if this is a very stupid question. I'm just wondering why women choose to give birth, in spite of the horrible pain they go through. I know that there are reasons to have kids, but... I don't know. I guess those reasons are worth it? I can't help but be surprised each time somebody tells me they're looking forward to having a/ their next baby. Sorry for being ignorant about this topic. :S

[Tunhope]

24 minutes ago, Autumn Season said:

 

 

Apropos pain. I'm sorry if this is a very stupid question. I'm just wondering why women choose to give birth, in spite of the horrible pain they go through. I know that there are reasons to have kids, but... I don't know. I guess those reasons are worth it? I can't help but be surprised each time somebody tells me they're looking forward to having a/ their next baby. Sorry for being ignorant about this topic. :S

I'm not sure I can offer any reasons to have kids but I do know that, some time in my mid-twenties, I had an overwhelming and, in a sense, inexplicable urge to have one (I'd not wanted one previously at all.) Then, I suppose I just forgot about the actual birth - just became a vague memory. I know of some people who say "Never again!!", but as I say, I more or less forgot.

[Shadow007]

5 hours ago, Tunhope said:

I'm not sure I can offer any reasons to have kids but I do know that, some time in my mid-twenties, I had an overwhelming and, in a sense, inexplicable urge to have one (I'd not wanted one previously at all.) Then, I suppose I just forgot about the actual birth - just became a vague memory. I know of some people who say "Never again!!", but as I say, I more or less forgot.

I heard somewhere that it's an actual biological phenomenon where the new mother forgets the pain when it's over, but I can't remember where I heard it from. I think it had something to do with preventing the pain of the ordeal affecting the decision to have more or something? 

[smittyw]

8 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

Apropos pain. I'm sorry if this is a very stupid question. I'm just wondering why women choose to give birth, in spite of the horrible pain they go through. I know that there are reasons to have kids, but... I don't know. I guess those reasons are worth it? I can't help but be surprised each time somebody tells me they're looking forward to having a/ their next baby. Sorry for being ignorant about this topic. :S

I wonder this a lot too. Like, I get it in a very vague sense due to the way people make out the idealized version of motherhood/parenting, but... pregnancy itself seems super terrible and painful and scary!! Not to mention childbirth (though as the previous posts pointed out, maybe some people don't have clear memories of the pain?) I have deep respect for those who choose to go through it though, don't get me wrong. But honestly, why do so many parents expect their biological daughters to want this from a young age? That same expectation is never forced on boys in the same way.

 

I already know the answer has to do with the patriarchy and traditional women's roles, but maybe there are some other factors at play. Personally, no matter what I say at any age I know my parents (and my mother especially) will expect future grandkids to spoil. I'm sort of banking on the possibility of my brother one day having kids instead, so I can just be a cool aunt.  If not, I hope our parents will understand that the times are a-changin' and well, there is not the same need to have kids as in the past.

[Sweet Potato]

10 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

. I'm just wondering why women choose to give birth, in spite of the horrible pain they go through. I know that there are reasons to have kids, but... I don't know. I guess those reasons are worth it? I can't help but be surprised each time somebody tells me they're looking forward to having a/ their next baby. Sorry for being ignorant about this topic. :S

I'm a mom, and kinda wouldn't mind another. Here is the thing, Childbirth (in my experience) is not that bad. Contractions just felt like a super intense period cramps that came and went. the actual birth hurt, felt like taking a way too big poop. the episiotomy I got hurt more!  but I managed it and I suck at taking pain. what makes me hesitant about having another child isn't childbirth, its toddlers!

 

as for why I do kinda want another, it's a feeling that my family is not yet complete. it has nothing to do with my supposed role in society, being a single mom by choice certainly  doesn't conform! I just have this instinctual feeling that one more would complete this little family of mine. I have heard similar from other women, for some like my sisters the number is 0, for my mom it was 4, for me it's 2, for my friend it's 1. Some don't know the number until the last child is born, sort of a "oh, this is it, we're done!" feeling.

[Sweet Potato]

4 hours ago, Shadow007 said:

I heard somewhere that it's an actual biological phenomenon where the new mother forgets the pain when it's over, but I can't remember where I heard it from. I think it had something to do with preventing the pain of the ordeal affecting the decision to have more or something? 

 forget? no. The pain is just over when the birth is done. related pain such as tenderness at the site of the injury is a thing, but that's why peri bottles are a thing too. Its like if you injure yourself, getting the injury hurts, but after that its just tenderness or other such things. (obviously this is not the case with all injuries)

[Autumn Season]

Thank you for all of the answers!

 It sounds like wanting a child has more to do with a feeling than thoughts of wanting one.

 And I guess some people forget about the pain afterwards and others don't and sometimes the pain is bad but not horrible. 

(By the way, the episiotomy sounds nasty. 😧 *shudders*)

 

Now I wonder what makes men want to be a biological father. Whether it's also an emotional urge, at least sometimes.

[Shadow007]

8 hours ago, smittyw said:

I already know the answer has to do with the patriarchy and traditional women's roles, but maybe there are some other factors at play. Personally, no matter what I say at any age I know my parents (and my mother especially) will expect future grandkids to spoil. I'm sort of banking on the possibility of my brother one day having kids instead, so I can just be a cool aunt.  If not, I hope our parents will understand that the times are a-changin' and well, there is not the same need to have kids as in the past.

I have a few older relatives who seem to expect this kind of thing too, especially since my younger sister and cousin have both had children of their own already. Luckily they haven't been asking me about any of that recently, because my answer would be no (possibly ensuing a long, confusing argument)... Anyway, I can certainly attest to the fun of being a cool aunt - or "auntie" as my nephew calls me. I watch over him for short periods and we have fun (which includes him demanding me to play with him a certain way, or getting argumentative about the little things, because he's at that stage), and then when it's over he goes back to my sister. It's great!  

 

@Sweet Potato Thanks for the clarification; I'd heard that one ages ago...

[Snao Cone]

My 3yo nephew just calls me by my name, not "auntie [name]", though my sister calls me that around him. I don't like being called auntie. 

[Homer]

6 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

Now I wonder what makes men want to be a biological father. Whether it's also an emotional urge, at least sometimes.

I actually got "I want to pass on my genes" as an explanation once. (WTF dude, do you think that your genes are special or something?)

 

(Still looking for a reasonable reason to procreate... never heard any)

[Snao Cone]

29 minutes ago, Homer said:

I actually got "I want to pass on my genes" as an explanation once. (WTF dude, do you think that your genes are special or something?)

 

(Still looking for a reasonable reason to procreate... never heard any)

If you've ever heard The Seed 2.0 by The Roots...well, the title gives you an idea of what it's about. 😛 Though I got in an argument with a guy who says it's not about a determination to spread genes, but it's about personal freedom and not letting relationships constrain you. The lyrics are about a man whose wife doesn't want kids, so he finds a woman to have an affair with and explicitly wants to get that woman pregnant because it's very important for him to pass on his genes. Then leave your wife, dingbat. I think it's totally fine for relationships to break up over a disagreement about kids, as that's a fundamental part of life. Intentionally getting a woman you don't plan to be with pregnant is shady, let alone doing so in secrecy from another partner. 

[Neutral nerd]

Theres a friend of mine, she's a convert to the church my family is a part of and she's graduating this year. Earlier in the year i saw her hanging out with this dude i know, but I forgot and didn't think of it. Later I was (trying) to make small talk with her and asked her how her relationship with him was going. She said that she broke up with him a while ago. More recently, she said she received a proposal to marry from her boyfriend. She's 18 and just leaving highschool, and planning on marrying a boy she probably hasn't been dating with for over a year. Can anyone understand this? Because I can't 🤔

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, Neutral nerd said:

Theres a friend of mine, she's a convert to the church my family is a part of and she's graduating this year. Earlier in the year i saw her hanging out with this dude i know, but I forgot and didn't think of it. Later I was (trying) to make small talk with her and asked her how her relationship with him was going. She said that she broke up with him a while ago. More recently, she said she received a proposal to marry from her boyfriend. She's 18 and just leaving highschool, and planning on marrying a boy she probably hasn't been dating with for over a year. Can anyone understand this? Because I can't 🤔

I don't get this at all. Why marry so young? I was a very cynical teenager and knew that the person I'd be at 30 would be very different from the person I was at 18. Maybe people who get married early want 6 kids and think it would be too late if they started after 25, but they still want to enjoy married life without kids for a few years...

 

My cousin's son got married last summer. He was 22. He was marrying a 19 year old who already had a kid with another guy. He had also gotten another girl pregnant, but she miscarried. The bride was apparently religious, but not religious enough to have a kid out of wedlock. If they last, good for them. But they should really be prepared, and their entire families should be prepared, for it not to last. I wonder if they signed a prenup. If I had a kid getting married at that age, I'd push them to sign a prenup. 

 

(full disclosure, my parents got married at 21 after dating for 5.5 years including 3 years long distance, but the 1970s was a bit different...though all of my aunts have been divorced at least once, so my parents' marriage is an outlier) 

[erratic]

One of my friends who is close in age got married last year and is now about to have a baby. It is bizarre to me and yet also kind of fascinating.  Half my family is divorced so I don’t have a super positive opinion of marriage.

 

On periods: anyone else feel kind of offended by their existence? I mean, the minor spikes in arousal are not at all appreciated, and neither is the pain, the discomfort, inconvenience or the expense. And I don’t want kids so they are also pointless! And even when they stop I still have menopause to look forward to! 😕

[Autumn Season]

@erratic Yes. The last two, three days all I did was complain about the menses on AVEN.  

[TheAP]

Yeah, I hate that I have to feel crampy for up to three days each month when I'm likely never going to have kids.

[erratic]

@Autumn Season bravo!

 

mine trigger my migraines too so it’s just a whole bucket of useless awfulness! 🤬

[ExquisiteMystery]

3 hours ago, erratic said:

On periods: anyone else feel kind of offended by their existence? I mean, the minor spikes in arousal are not at all appreciated, and neither is the pain, the discomfort, inconvenience or the expense. And I don’t want kids so they are also pointless! And even when they stop I still have menopause to look forward to! 😕

Wow, we could be relatives... I so totally am in the same boat. The only time I really feel libido is the day before my period starts. And the migraines. And weird extra achiness in all previously injured areas. All cotton pads are stupidly expensive (but eased cramps somewhat). And yes, I'm totally "Cats not Kids". I've thought, if periods gave us kittens (like 1 per every 30), it might be worth it.

Definitely not looking forward to menopause, which is looming. My mother went nearly clinically psychotic.  I've even had an ob/gyn tell me that full body pain, and strong mood shifts are not statistically backed, and must be fake. I thought,  "Yes, millions of years of women must be wrong." (sarcasm) 

People always bring their kids into my work, and my boss is really into them. I've completely given up trying to fake real interest in them. I enjoy the quiet, smart ones. I'll happily talk about smells, food or science. The high pitched, shrieking, breaking things ones should just leave, and never ever come back. But my boss is all "so cute", "that's a smile"... Ugh.

[erratic]

@Miss A exactly! I have a libido for maybe 1 or 2 days a month and I blame stupid period hormones! 

 

Funnily enough I actually work in a special needs school, so I spend quite a lot of time with kids who are in KS3 but developmentally younger in some ways. A lot of people don’t understand that working with kids does not = wanting to have your own! Outside of a structured work context I generally avoid them.

 

At least the people I talk to at work now are not the baby-gushing type. I used to work supply shifts at nurserys, where I would sit in the staff room for an hours lunch having to listen to all the other staff I didn’t know gossiping about someone or others wedding or pregnancy or baby (or sadly being mean about someone) and it was frankly nauseatingly dull! Do they have no other interests?!?

[Neutral nerd]

18 hours ago, Miss A said:

People always bring their kids into my work, and my boss is really into them. I've completely given up trying to fake real interest in them. I enjoy the quiet, smart ones. I'll happily talk about smells, food or science. The high pitched, shrieking, breaking things ones should just leave, and never ever come back. But my boss is all "so cute", "that's a smile"... Ugh.

On "Bring your kid to work day", my history class had a test. My absolutely brilliant teacher decided to bring her obnoxiously loud children, and I was sitting closest to the front so I had to type up 3 paragraphs worths of analysis with a pre-secondary trying to mess with my backpack. Needless to say, it was rather annoying.

[Catevari]

This is a gripe session anyone else want join in on the comments feel free.

 

(stands on soapbox)

 

For the rest of this to make sense let it be known that I'm diagnosed ADD and have been since I was in third grade. 

 

I go to my new patient appointment with a brand new psychiatrist to arrange getting back on medication. Should be a simple visit...not so much.

 

He asks his routine doctor questions and then he gets to the sexual activity/pregnancy questions. At first I do what I always do and just answer 'seldomly' and 'no'. He decides that those answers aren't good enough and pushes further. He asks about birth control that for personal reasons I don't take. Then it's on to the whole 'are you sure' and 'when was your last cycle ' which are valid questions when discussing treatment with body chemistry altering drugs.

 

I point out I am sure and tell him how long ago said events happened. Hearing a healthy grown woman say two and a half months without sex (a relatively short amount of time to me) raises questions so I make the mistake of telling him 'it's fine I'm asexual' he'd never heard the word in reference to humans.

 

I explain what it means and his response is ' well I've never had that in a patient before ' and is halfway assuming I'm depressed due to lack of sex drive. I explain that I'm not(or at least if I am it's not because of that). But he seems to think he hit the motherload of all my problems. He jumps on this idea that even though I've been in a relationship for 11 years the lack of sex must be a problem. He goes on asking me if I'm actually gay and in the closet. I go with the short answer and say no (asexual panromantic  would definitely go over his head) so I try again to explain that it's not a problem and it's always been that way. I explain that I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone (not even my fiancé), that I can tell someone is pretty but I have no interest in them sexually. Honestly I should have just kept my mouth shut ,it was like beating my head against a wall. 

I break down and give him the crudest analogy I know (tbh it probably made things worse)

 

'you can look at a dog and know it's pretty without wanting to f--- it'

 

Needless to say that was the end of that. So he finally gives up on the sex questions and goes back to everything else.

 

As as this goes on I'm getting progressively more anxious and fidgety to the point he asks me very pointedly what drugs I take (none for the record)

 

By the end of the session he is convinced I have some kind of mood disorder because in his words my reactions were ' over the top'.

 

he says that after hitting every part of several painful issues (including my relationship with a allosexual man- the part where he can't believe anyone would willingly settle for an asexual/ sexually limited relationship when they could get what they want elsewhere.)

 

so so this story ends with me sitting in my younger sister's living room (she's the only one in my family that knows I'm ace) with the strongest cup of tea on this side of the Atlantic to calm down

[Shadow007]

@Catevari That's awful, and quite ridiculous that the psychiatrist could be so unprofessional to you about that. I find it hard to believe that he didn't see how his own line of questioning was what was affecting you, rather than whatever weird theories he had. I could have sworn that those in his field were supposed to be open-minded - you know, since new studies are coming out all the time.

It makes me wish there was a search section for health professionals that stated how open they were toward not just the main LGBTQ from the media, but to all parts of the spectrum. I'd hate to be misdiagnosed due to a closed-minded health pro having heavily biased or discriminatory views about things they don't quite understand (I blame the media)...

I only have a handful of people who know about my orientation and have never told a health professional or coworker about it. With the things I've heard about how some react to such news, it just makes me more and more determined not to mention it to anyone else. Besides that, a lot of the conversations they have on my shift are a huge indicator that my coworkers are mostly conservative, which makes me rather uncomfortable. Last year there was a long argument about how they believed there were only two genders and heck, today they were making fun of the blind (I'm still feeling offended on behalf of a childhood friend), and before that they were throwing around innuendos (although those pop up several times a day). 

If my coworkers think I'm boring: so be it. With how awkward things have become since I've found myself though, I'll probably be leaving them soon enough anyway.

[Skycaptain]

@Catevari, sends 🎂 🎂

 

That psychiatrists behaviour was unprofessional and suggests a grave lack of awareness with modern professional training. DSM-5, a major book of diagnostic parameters in all mental health matters says that an identity as an asexual should discount sexual desire issues. Brief but sensitive questions about ovulation and sexual activities are fair enough, simply because some medications are contra-indicated when there is a possibility of pregnancy, but after hearing you say that pregnancy won't be likely, and you identify as asexual they should have changed subject, not say "they've never heard of that in humans". 

 

As an aside it was the mental health side of the British NHS who said to me "have you considered that you may be asexual?", so it's not as if mental health professionals are unaware of our orientation 

[Catevari]

@Skycaptain , @Shadow007(gleefully noms sympathy cake) 

 

He was a bit older (late fourties to mid fifties) but I'm not sure that excuses it. And yes you would think that he would notice that his line of questioning was upsetting but honestly I'm not sure he could have cared if he did notice. 

 

I'm hoping that that was just a bad day. 

 

Not looking forward to the follow up at all.