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  • 2 weeks later...

So far I haven't had too many uncomfortable situations dealing with my asexuality, but I can specifically remember one that happened not too long ago at college. My group of friends and I were eating dinner (not everyone in the group knows I'm asexual, maybe only two or three) and one of my friends who knows starts telling me about this asexual joke she saw on Tumblr and how it describes me perfectly. It just so happens that the one friend who heard her say this is a very opinionated guy, he borders on being a complete jerk at times. I'm already taken off guard because she basically outed me in front of him, so I try laughing her comment off. He then goes "Oh so you're asexual? So you basically just hate everyone then." That's an example of him trying to be funny, but it didn't work at all. Then he tried to explain what he thought he knew about being asexual and demisexual (the girl who made the comment is) and was just digging himself into a deeper hole. He then ended the conversation by saying something along the lines of, "I mean I really don't understand how you don't like sex, but I'm just saying that I couldn't do it. I'm definitely a heterosexual male." Good for you dude. <_<

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@Shay21 if I were in a silly mood I would've said to the guy "Thank you for opening up to us. It can be difficult to open up about your sexuality to other people when you feel so isolated and alone in this extremely not-heterosexual world." :P

 

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On 8.3.2018 at 11:02 PM, Tintinfan said:

I now just want to be allergic to children

Why didn't I think of this earlier :o

 

(Also I hope that elephants are allowed to post in here)

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Estrella Starr

I'm at the stage (very very early stages) of more realizing all of the asexual experiences I had growing up that I didn't have a word for. Like when one of my friends asked me to be his girlfriend in the fifth grade and all I said was "oh no thank you." Or when I was talking to a friend in high school, she told me about a sexual experience at a party and I was floored she thought that was fun. Lots and lots of stories like that. But I think the biggest for me was that since I was pretty I have always said "I'm definitely going to be someone's mother, but probably not someone's wife." I come from a family that pretty untraditional and has tons of people in it who aren't blood related, so I saw those two things as being completely separate from one another. I still do. 

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8 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

@Shay21 if I were in a silly mood I would've said to the guy "Thank you for opening up to us. It can be difficult to open up about your sexuality to other people when you feel so isolated and alone in this extremely not-heterosexual world." :P

 

@Snao Cone oh that would have been a perfect response! xD

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Autumn Season

When I think about being in a (hetero) romantic relationship (and I'm not in love at the same time), the first thing which enters my mind is "but what would I need him for" and the second is "isn't this too much work". The men in my family are - even though they're nice people and I like them well enough - quite a burden for their wives. It's like having one (more) child to take care of. :/ And the child never grows up or leaves the house.

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On 3/29/2017 at 11:48 AM, butterflydreams said:

It feels good the minute I take things off and get into more comfy stuff, but I'm still...kind of growing, so any movement results in soreness if things aren't held in place.

 

Incidentally, since we're talking about clothes and stuff, I'm wondering if there are any options for bottoms this summer, knowing that I'm not really a fan of shorts. I'll typically wear skirts when it's hot, but sometimes that's not practical. I have these yoga pants capris, but it's awfully nerve wracking to wear them because of the tightness, and my...*sigh* defect. Does anybody here have any suggestions for other clothes, or how to make the capris work? I mean, I like them otherwise.

I like 3/4 length cargo pant type things. They're longer than shorts so they don't ride up, they have convenient pockets for storing stuff in, and they're shorter than full length pants so your legs still get to breathe a bit.

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Autumn Season

Harem trousers are also very comfortable in summer. ^_^

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On 3/27/2018 at 7:45 AM, Autumn Season said:

When I think about being in a (hetero) romantic relationship (and I'm not in love at the same time), the first thing which enters my mind is "but what would I need him for" and the second is "isn't this too much work". The men in my family are - even though they're nice people and I like them well enough - quite a burden for their wives. It's like having one (more) child to take care of. :/ And the child never grows up or leaves the house.

Sounds like my father. He can't cook. He doesn't know how to do laundry or clean anything. My grandmother did everything for him, and he lived with her until he married my mother. 

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Hey @butterflydreams I know your comment was made a year ago but hey! Summer's coming up again! Have you ever tried something like this? Loose-ish, pockets and folds around the hips could add shape, could be dressed up or down, look comfy... 

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2 hours ago, LVG said:

Sounds like my father. He can't cook. He doesn't know how to do laundry or clean anything. My grandmother did everything for him, and he lived with her until he married my mother. 

My dad lived with his parents until he married my mom, but my mom didn't really assume the caregiving role. My dad enjoys cooking, and he was taught a lot about cooking and cleaning by my mom's aunt who was a spinster home economist.

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25 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

My dad lived with his parents until he married my mom, but my mom didn't really assume the caregiving role. My dad enjoys cooking, and he was taught a lot about cooking and cleaning by my mom's aunt who was a spinster home economist.

That kind of sounds a bit like my grandpa; he was the youngest and didn't have any sisters, so my great grandmother decided to teach him all the home-ec stuff while my great uncle learned all the expected male-role stuff from my great grandfather. Grandpa taught me how to use a sewing machine, and he loved to cook, and grandma let him do the cleaning since she wasn't that good at it...  I always thought it was really cool that he cut around the perceived gender roles of the time. :) 

 

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I have been thinking a lot bout my sexuality recently and when I realized that I was Asexual, I cried. Not because it was bad or anything, but because I knew that if I told someone I was a demi-panromantic asexual, they would only hear "asexual" and either a) assume I don't want to fall in love with anyone and decides to not even bother to try and fall in love with me, or b) won't want to be in a relationship with me because no sex was the deal breaker. Seriously, how many people think asexual means aromantic? I want love, I just don't feel sexual attraction or a desire to do sex in a relationship. 

 

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butterflydreams
11 minutes ago, Kitkat7e said:

I have been thinking a lot bout my sexuality recently and when I realized that I was Asexual, I cried. Not because it was bad or anything, but because I knew that if I told someone I was a demi-panromantic asexual, they would only hear "asexual" and either a) assume I don't want to fall in love with anyone and decides to not even bother to try and fall in love with me, or b) won't want to be in a relationship with me because no sex was the deal breaker. Seriously, how many people think asexual means aromantic? I want love, I just don't feel sexual attraction or a desire to do sex in a relationship. 

This is largely why I don’t like to say that I’m specifically asexual. I’m also capable of having sex. Not totally repulsed by it. Tolerant of it. I just don’t particularly desire it. I could easily be in a relationship without it.

 

With that attitude, you’d be surprised how far you can get and how interested someone might be. Don’t give up hope!

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15 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

This is largely why I don’t like to say that I’m specifically asexual. I’m also capable of having sex. Not totally repulsed by it. Tolerant of it. I just don’t particularly desire it. I could easily be in a relationship without it.

 

With that attitude, you’d be surprised how far you can get and how interested someone might be. Don’t give up hope!

Awwwwww.... Thanks! You made my day.

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On 7/8/2017 at 7:13 PM, Machine_Artificia said:

So just to let everyone know, being asexual has again diminished the bounds of my social circle irl. 

 

Guy #23 (lol) says he does not want to help me do a paper mache project at a shared workspace bc it "reminds me of what I can't have" (A sexual relationship with yours truly).

 

His behavior had changed from just being happy, goofy, and normal to a total shutdown like a few days ago. So I asked why he does not want to help me make a paper mache DragonQuest slime, which is one of the best projects I have ever thought of. I literally sent him a picture of a slime and in reply that ^ was his reason he gave.

 

Never dated him or gave him any cause to think I was interested in him.

 

And I think like my appearance and gender were in higher regard than my humanity to these people. You know? 

 

Like I had been friends with him because he makes these smart comments about the industry we work in, we can laugh about industry specific stuff, and talk about video games.

 

I was not talking to him because he has a great facial structure and penis and I was going to try to do things to his being in the future if I had a chance and made my move.

 

It just seems so wooden and hollow to erase friendships because the person is asexual. If I was a serial killer, I would completely understand that though.

 

It seems to me that when men develop feelings for a girl and are subsequently rejected they close themselves off as a kind of self-defense mechanism. I guess it's fairly reasonable from a "If I cut off all contact with them, I can try to forget about them and move on with my life" kind of perspective, but it would be nice if they would just take several steps back from the relationship (without completely cutting off all contact) and discuss the issue with us (because yes, rejection hurts, but all of us romantic types are probably familiar with the feeling).

 

If two people really want to make a relationship work communication is important. So if the guy can't stand to spend time alone with you anymore due to his broken heart, perhaps only spending time together in groups and limiting text conversations (to keep anyone from getting reattached) would help to maintain the relationship until he can find someone else or heal from his broken heart over time.

 

I should know. I accidentally fell in love with my best friend ages ago. I needed to take several steps back because I was way more attached to her than she was to me. But I would never completely cut her out of my life.

 

Since then I've had several men (generally of the friend sort) profess their feelings for me and then when I tell them that I'm not interested they promptly shut down as described here.

 

I think the man described here genuinely liked you as a person, but as a romantic and sexual person he had needs which weren't being met in full from this relationship. Hence why, when things weren't progressing as he wanted them to, he opted to cut off all contact. It's rather unfortunate for everyone involved..

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knittinghistorian
On 3/14/2018 at 11:20 AM, LaSirena said:

Butterfly dreams - that’s exactly what I’ve always said I wanted, to be the supercool aunt. I also don’t think you need to be related to them- a friends kids will work! I had a number of people like that growing up, none of them then related to me, and honestly I think it’s a big part of how I survived my childhood.

Kids need people like you.

I'm putting a lot of effort into being involved in my cousin's kids' lives.  I think of them as my nephews (even though I think they're actually cousins once removed or some such), and I like to think I am a super cool aunt. :)

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knittinghistorian
21 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

Harem trousers are also very comfortable in summer. ^_^

Or wrap pants.

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On 9/28/2017 at 10:48 PM, Chihiro said:

Aven is a good place to find someone interesting. The biggest problem though, is that most people are not interested in LDR. Many probably have the misconception that LDR will remain LDR forever, which surprises me. Perhaps they are not in a position to move but their potential partner can perhaps move? For whatever reason people are still stuck in the old belief system and no one wants to date anyone who lives more than an hour away.

I am someone who can move to any corner of the world. And the guys I was interested in didn't want anything to do with LDR. After a bit of observation, I feel like Europeans are more open to LDR even if their partner is in a different continent and will have to go through immigration and it's stupid system. Whereas American guys will not date anyone from different state, let alone a different country. 

We are a minority, we can't change our orientations and who we are attracted to. But distance is something that can be changed, (it's not easy, but still doable). I am baffled to see an asexual who is against LDR without even giving it a try.

I've always been baffled about why other people are so resistant to long distance relationships. So someone lives in another state. Or another country. If the two people really like each other they should be able to work out some way of staying in touch and bonding (Skype anyone?) and then working out the details of where to live together later. Then again, it may have something to do with so many people being sexual and wanting that physical affirmation of their feelings? I don't know. But I'd be perfectly fine with having a long distance relationship for 3-5 years or so as long as I knew I liked the person and they liked me and we were planning to live our lives together at some point in the future.

 

This one guy did that annoying ghosting thing to me after I told him I had a crush on him and I don't know if he just wasn't interested and didn't want me to get the wrong idea or if he was interested, but he distanced himself because he knew I was leaving the country in a few months and didn't want to do the LDR thing or if it was something else altogether! I mean, how many guys invite a girl to go hiking, complement her on said hike to other friends, and hang out talking to her at a festival for 8+ hours and aren't interested at all!? I'd hoped to be penpals at least... It's not often I meet people I get along with so well.. Oh well, C'est la vie.

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3 hours ago, Tammuz176 said:

It seems to me that when men develop feelings for a girl and are subsequently rejected they close themselves off as a kind of self-defense mechanism. I guess it's fairly reasonable from a "If I cut off all contact with them, I can try to forget about them and move on with my life" kind of perspective, but it would be nice if they would just take several steps back from the relationship (without completely cutting off all contact) and discuss the issue with us (because yes, rejection hurts, but all of us romantic types are probably familiar with the feeling).

That's great and all for the rejected person's perspective, but what about the person who was suddenly pushed away for next to no reason? I mean, if there was a brief conversation on the topic that didn't address either person's feelings toward each other, then that decision is rather drastic. I'd hate for a friend to stop talking to me out of nowhere because of a mention of my orientation, and no in-depth discussion about how this will/won't affect things after they were told.

3 hours ago, Tammuz176 said:

I think the man described here genuinely liked you as a person, but as a romantic and sexual person he had needs which weren't being met in full from this relationship. Hence why, when things weren't progressing as he wanted them to, he opted to cut off all contact. It's rather unfortunate for everyone involved..

That would make sense if the other person actually revealed their feelings honestly in that initial conversation and got a clear "no" or "not interested" in response. Based on the post you're responding to, that's not what happened, and this guy simply decided not to associate with his friend anymore because he believed he no longer had a chance at a relationship that Machine_Artificia wasn't aware he even wanted.  The relationship was a friendship from how it was described, how on Earth does this translate as a romantic not getting their romantic/sexual needs met in a relationship that was never romantic or sexual in the first place? 

 

If I had been in Artificia's place and was ignored in that way, the explanation provided would have pissed me off; what that person "can't have" and was assumed that they would have without actually discussing it with their intended partner (who's oblivious and shouldn't be expected to know without being asked)... it's just insulting. Abandoning a working friendship because they want to date an ace sexually and now mightn't have a chance is ridiculous. Discussion could have solved that problem, but in this case it appears to be a lost cause. I agree with Artificia; if someone only sees you as a potential dating prize to be won, then a true friendship won't work when orientations are revealed (and likely before that, too). 

 

No one will know a person's romantic interest in them unless that person speaks up! Simply assuming or keeping quiet about it does nothing to help the situation and might make it worse in the long run...

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On 2/14/2018 at 8:41 PM, the_rebecca said:

Talked to my guy roommate recently. Discussed walking alone at night: he’s worried  people are going to think he is a loner or mug him; I'm actively outpacing a guy whistling at me and following me. I’m like bruh, being a woman is STRESSFUL AF

I was walking home from work the other month and these two guys who clearly knew each other casually crossed the street and started walking one in front of me and one behind and I was like "who would deliberately walk with a stranger between them and the friend they were talking to?" I kept a close eye on them until they turned off down another street because THAT didn't seem like normal behavior.

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19 hours ago, Shadow007 said:

That's great and all for the rejected person's perspective, but what about the person who was suddenly pushed away for next to no reason? I mean, if there was a brief conversation on the topic that didn't address either person's feelings toward each other, then that decision is rather drastic. I'd hate for a friend to stop talking to me out of nowhere because of a mention of my orientation, and no in-depth discussion about how this will/won't affect things after they were told.

That would make sense if the other person actually revealed their feelings honestly in that initial conversation and got a clear "no" or "not interested" in response. Based on the post you're responding to, that's not what happened, and this guy simply decided not to associate with his friend anymore because he believed he no longer had a chance at a relationship that Machine_Artificia wasn't aware he even wanted.  The relationship was a friendship from how it was described, how on Earth does this translate as a romantic not getting their romantic/sexual needs met in a relationship that was never romantic or sexual in the first place? 

 

If I had been in Artificia's place and was ignored in that way, the explanation provided would have pissed me off; what that person "can't have" and was assumed that they would have without actually discussing it with their intended partner (who's oblivious and shouldn't be expected to know without being asked)... it's just insulting. Abandoning a working friendship because they want to date an ace sexually and now mightn't have a chance is ridiculous. Discussion could have solved that problem, but in this case it appears to be a lost cause. I agree with Artificia; if someone only sees you as a potential dating prize to be won, then a true friendship won't work when orientations are revealed (and likely before that, too). 

 

No one will know a person's romantic interest in them unless that person speaks up! Simply assuming or keeping quiet about it does nothing to help the situation and might make it worse in the long run...

I'm not saying the RIGHT thing to do is to push others away without giving a reason. I'm saying that I believe it to be a common reaction. Especially in the society we live in it is often difficult for people to discuss their feelings in public. Especially when such emotions hit close to home and, I believe, especially for men who are expected to be strong and not show vulnerabilities to others.

 

Even if a relationship is based solely on friendship, this does not mean that one person's emotions can't change over time. Unrequited love is one example of this. Dating is not required for romantic feelings to start to take root in a person's heart.

 

Did this guy have genuine feelings for her? I don't know. I've never met him. Maybe he's just a jerk. But based upon my personal experience such as the other month when a guy friend of mine confessed his feelings to me and when rejected proceeded to not even sit at the same lunch table as me at work, I believe the circumstances may be a bit similar. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking that some people have motivations other than just seeking others as a "dating prize".

 

And yes, it's important for people to speak up about their emotions because, no, most of us are not mind readers. But as previously stated, it can be difficult for people to expose themselves to potential heartbreak in this way.

 

I would appreciate it if you would use a less aggressive tone when responding to other people's posts. It was my impression that AVEN was meant to be a SAFE place for people to express their thoughts and emotions and that many of the people here were interested in trying to understand the actions and thought processes of sexual people. I'll be sure to keep my personal thoughts and feelings to myself unless solicited in the future as they are clearly not welcome here.

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@Tammuz176 I wasn't trying to be aggressive with anyone, and if that's how it's been perceived then of course I apologize for offending anyone. The scenario presented and the reactions mentioned just didn't make sense to me. I understand the motivations that are being discussed, it's the actions that threw me for a loop. The thing I don't like about current society is the lack of true communication between people in various situations, where "ghosting" has become common, and so on. My intent is not to attack or offend, but simply to understand - and yes, part of it was venting at the world in general, I will admit that...

 

To be honest, I haven't had a good friend in nearly ten years, which I miss dearly, and reading about someone throwing something like that away so easily - I just can't comprehend it. (Damn it, writing that down upset me more than I thought it would...)

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Autumn Season

It seems to me that Shadow gave an emotional reply, which could have been misunderstood as angry. :)

-

I've been head over heels in love before and from this perspective I can say that being around the person I loved, just seeing them, hearing them or thinking about them hurt like a stab in the heart. The pain continued to torture me to a lesser extent even when they weren't around. I couldn't sleep, my behavior became sloppy and reactive. At some point I just wanted it to stop. I wanted the feelings for the other person, these daggers, to get out of my heart, no matter how. But at the same time I was pulled towards to person I loved like a magnet. As the addict that I was, the only thing which helped, was a cold turkey withdrawal. And in order for the heartflutter not to start again, I needed to keep staying away from the other.

It's not like I didn't care about them, I did, in a very unhealthy excessive way, which didn't help any of us.

 

I don't approve of ghosting in general and I see friendships and open communication as very important, but I can also understand why somebody would withdraw. This way one can avoid hurting oneself and the other person more than "necessary".

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I've been head over heels in love before and from this perspective I can say that being around the person I loved, just seeing them, hearing them or thinking about them hurt like a stab in the heart. The pain continued to torture me to a lesser extent even when they weren't around. I couldn't sleep, my behavior became sloppy and reactive. At some point I just wanted it to stop. I wanted the feelings for the other person, these daggers, to get out of my heart, no matter how. But at the same time I was pulled towards to person I loved like a magnet. As the addict that I was, the only thing which helped, was a cold turkey withdrawal. And in order for the heartflutter not to start again, I needed to keep staying away from the other.

:(

 

This is pretty much how I know that I'm not strongly romantic.  I've never experienced anything like that before, and don't see myself ever doing so.  I've been in cases of unrequited love before and once it was confirmed that's what it was... it was never any issue for me.

 

It makes me wonder sometimes if I just don't "love" as strongly as others do, which is kind of a sobering thought.

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17 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

This is pretty much how I know that I'm not strongly romantic.  I've never experienced anything like that before, and don't see myself ever doing so.  I've been in cases of unrequited love before and once it was confirmed that's what it was... it was never any issue for me.

 

It makes me wonder sometimes if I just don't "love" as strongly as others do, which is kind of a sobering thought.

I thought the exact same thing. When I was younger, I used to fall in love more often, my crushes would last longer, and my feelings used to be a bit stronger, but it was never something so overwhelming. I always try to be friends with the guys I like, because just being able to spend time with them and get to know them better make me happy enough not to care about them not liking me back. My romantic feelings were a bit frustrating at times, but they were usually quite manageable. Now I wonder if I'm actually less romantic than I thought. It makes sense, though, because that would explain why I never tried very hard to pursue a relationship with someone, even when I had romantic feelings for them.

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Autumn Season

There are as many ways to love and be romantic as there are people in the world. :) That's why I think that comparing oneself to others isn't useful. 

I only talked about my experience with falling in love, because I believe that it offers an explanation to the unpleasant ghosting-phenomenon, which the previous poster talked about.

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I've felt very strongly towards some people in my life, but I didn't feel any pull that made me feel like I needed to be with them, or that I would be able to sustain a relationship with them. I don't feel like anything's generally lacking in my life by not having a romantic partner either. There have been a few occasions where people have been "in love" with me (I use quotation marks because even now I'm skeptical of how much they actually felt for me since I didn't give anything back), and as much as I also adored them as good friends, I could not muster up the right emotion to want to be with them on that level. Luckily most of them took it well. Maybe my ability to honestly say I'm not looking for a relationship helps keep them in check. I'm really glad this sort of thing hasn't resulted in sudden ghosting. (I have ghosted ex-friends and been ghosted by people I thought I was close to, but all in purely platonic contexts.)

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Hey ladies...just wanted to pop in and say hi. Newbie here just finding this site and finally understanding a few things about myself, yay! Also, was wondering if anyone could shed some light on something, have any thoughts, suggestions, or even relate? I seem to wake up between 2-4am almost every morning. My sleep sucks. I rarely seem to get 6 hours straight. It this an age thing? I'm 41. Hormone thing? So frustrating not getting a full night restful sleep. Anyway, just wanted to put it out there because all the doctors seem to want to do is prescribe drugs (not a fan).

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