Asexual Women Musings

[Snao Cone]

3 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

I really wish I had any single friends :/

Yeah, same. I've been binge watching Friends for the past week and even though I'm not completely without a social life, it makes me still wish I had more opportunities to hang out with people without needing to justify it somehow. Friends being in couples makes that harder. Friends having kids definitely reduces those opportunities greatly. As I've matured I've come to appreciate alone time, but I still do miss the ease of casually initiating hangouts:

"Hey, what are you up to?"

"Nothing."

"Want to hang out for no reason and do nothing in particular?"

"Sure."

[Visenya]

^ This. I think that about half of my friends/colleagues are still single, but I don't have much in common with them anymore, we're too busy, or they want to spend more time dating and talking to potential partners, instead of investing in (new) friendships.

 

The other half are in a relationship, but some of them are still willing to hang out. The problem is that they either bring their partner with them (which sucks and makes me not want to be friends with them anymore), they only hang out with other couples, or they don't have much to talk about aside from work and relationship (because they don't have the time to dedicate to hobbies and stuff, or they simply don't care about those things anymore). I don't want to imagine how it'll be like when they have kids.

 

I wish I had more people to hang out with, but not going out very much makes my life seem quite boring, I guess, which makes me less confident to talk to people (especially if they expect me to talk about my personal life). I'm genuinely OK with staying at home, reading, etc, but I deeply miss going to a bar or to the movies with a group of friends (which is more fun and relaxing than hanging out one-on-one, imo). =/

[butterflydreams]

8 hours ago, Visenya said:

^ This. I think that about half of my friends/colleagues are still single, but I don't have much in common with them anymore, we're too busy, or they want to spend more time dating and talking to potential partners, instead of investing in (new) friendships.

 

The other half are in a relationship, but some of them are still willing to hang out. The problem is that they either bring their partner with them (which sucks and makes me not want to be friends with them anymore), they only hang out with other couples, or they don't have much to talk about aside from work and relationship (because they don't have the time to dedicate to hobbies and stuff, or they simply don't care about those things anymore). I don't want to imagine how it'll be like when they have kids.

 

I wish I had more people to hang out with, but not going out very much makes my life seem quite boring, I guess, which makes me less confident to talk to people (especially if they expect me to talk about my personal life). I'm genuinely OK with staying at home, reading, etc, but I deeply miss going to a bar or to the movies with a group of friends (which is more fun and relaxing than hanging out one-on-one, imo). =/

Yes, omg, all of this. I guess I get that being in a relationship with someone means they're important and stuff, but it doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. I have so many friends who won't do anything without the say so of their partners. Or will bring partners along on things when sometimes, dammit, I just want to hang out with my friends. I'm mostly chummy with my friends' partners, but they are not my friends. My friends are my friends.

[Visenya]

54 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Yes, omg, all of this. I guess I get that being in a relationship with someone means they're important and stuff, but it doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. I have so many friends who won't do anything without the say so of their partners. Or will bring partners along on things when sometimes, dammit, I just want to hang out with my friends. I'm mostly chummy with my friends' partners, but they are not my friends. My friends are my friends.

Exactly! When the person I used to consider my best friend found a partner, I was very happy for her, but I didn't know back then that it'd pretty much mean the end of our friendship. I can't talk to her on Facebook because her bf has the password, and I can't talk freely to her in person because everytime we go out (which happens like once ever 4 months for a few hours), she brings him along with her, even though I already expressed that it bothers me and she agreed that I have the right to complain (but not enough to stop doing it apparently ). Another one of her closest friend (who also have been friends with her for more than a decade) told her she doesn't want/like hanging out with her anymore because of the same reason, but my friend still insists that she and her boyfriend are not joined to the hip. O.o

 

I used to prefer having male friends because they don't usually do this sort of thing, but (aside from the problems I mentioned in my previous posts) many/most of them have quite jealous partners and/or are not willing/allowed to have female friends anymore. :/

[butterflydreams]

8 minutes ago, Visenya said:

I used to prefer having male friends because they don't usually do this sort of thing, but (aside from the problems I mentioned in my previous posts) many/most of them have quite jealous partners and/or are not willing/allowed to have female friends anymore. :/

I was gonna say. My male friends are the worst of the bunch. Though I don't know if it's because of their partners in all cases.

 

I guess the bottom line is jealous partners, or controlling partners, suck. Of any gender. 

[Snao Cone]

7 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

I guess the bottom line is jealous partners, or controlling partners, suck. Of any gender. 

Yup! I hate it when people get so wrapped up in this concept of perfect fidelity and obedience in a relationship that they think their irrational reactions to things are morally pure - things like having their partner's passwords, or like imposing restrictions on how much socializing can be done without them present. Then they have the gall to say it's about trust, rather than control.

[butterflydreams]

Just now, Snao Cone said:

things like having their partner's passwords

My stance on this has always been that protecting against unauthorized access to accounts is basically my job. I use two factor authentication tokens...come at me, bro.

 

2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

or like imposing restrictions on how much socializing can be done without them present

God I hate this. I had a friend in high school who's girlfriend was like this and it was so frustrating. We used to call his cell phone only to get her and have to basically negotiate for his release. Ridiculous. They're still together 10 years later.

 

3 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Then they have the gall to say it's about trust, rather than control.

Oh, yeah, it's totally about control. In fact it's like the total opposite of trust.

[Visenya]

48 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Yup! I hate it when people get so wrapped up in this concept of perfect fidelity and obedience in a relationship that they think their irrational reactions to things are morally pure - things like having their partner's passwords, or like imposing restrictions on how much socializing can be done without them present. Then they have the gall to say it's about trust, rather than control.

Exactly! I sometimes can understand why some poly people think so badly of monogamy, despite being monogamous myself (I think). I know a lot of people who are extremely controlling, but not because of jealousy per se, but because they like to "test" their partner, to see how much power they have over them. One of my friends broke up with a guy because she wanted to go out with her female friends without him and he used the typical "I can't believe you'd rather spend time with your friends than me. If you loved me, you wouldn't do that. Oh, but everyone has to make sacrifices in a relationship!" kind of argument.

 

However, it's worth pointing out that some people happily accept this sort of thing. I understand that people have the right to choose the dynamics of their relationships, but still... Some of them seem quite suffocating to me. For instance, when we go out, this friend of mine stops by her boyfriend's workplace 5 times (at least!) in less than 2 hours to check on him (and she does this whenever she can/isn't working). And I've also heard about one guy who was in a job interview and pretty much demanded his future employers to hire his partner as well (I guess she was probably worried about him getting involved with female workers or something). Oh, and there's also one guy whose wife won't let him hire any woman under 25, because she's extremely jealous and doesn't want to compete for him with younger/prettier women.

 

I know that those people are probably happy with their partners, but that's just sick, imo, and I personally have no idea why people accept this shit.

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, Visenya said:

One of my friends broke up with a guy because she wanted to go out with her female friends without him and he used the typical "I can't believe you'd rather spend time with your friends than me. If you loved me, you wouldn't do that. Oh, but everyone has to make sacrifices in a relationship!" kind of argument.

Good for her! Yet sadly, it would be very easy for her ex to garner a lot of sympathy by saying she didn't care about him. This idealization of romantic love above all else can be used as a tool by manipulative people who want to guilt partners, or tarnish the reputation of exes. Some people want to do everything with their partners by their side, and that's fine if their partner also wants to. I think it's a fundamentally important part of a successful and happy relationship to agree on how much they do together and how much they do separately.

[SaturnOOO]

What @Visenya is describing sounds like my version of hell. Thank goodness my two closest friends are in a long term relationship with one another, I was close to both of them before they met, and I'm perfectly happy hanging out with either or both of them. They're also not planning to have kids, so bonus  

 

9 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Or will bring partners along on things when sometimes, dammit, I just want to hang out with my friends.

Yeah, and I can be grumpy about meeting new people at the best of times, so I really hate it when I have to suddenly be "on" for someone new when I really just signed up for chilling with someone I'm already comfortable with.

[Hermit Advocate]

11 hours ago, Visenya said:

Exactly! When the person I used to consider my best friend found a partner, I was very happy for her, but I didn't know back then that it'd pretty much mean the end of our friendship. I can't talk to her on Facebook because her bf has the password, and I can't talk freely to her in person because everytime we go out (which happens like once ever 4 months for a few hours), she brings him along with her, even though I already expressed that it bothers me and she agreed that I have the right to complain (but not enough to stop doing it apparently ). Another one of her closest friend (who also have been friends with her for more than a decade) told her she doesn't want/like hanging out with her anymore because of the same reason, but my friend still insists that she and her boyfriend are not joined to the hip. O.O

My sister was just like this with her ex. It caused a big rift between her and our family/friends. Thankfully that relationship is over now (even though it took about 5 years). Then again, my friend is getting married and they have no problem going off and visiting friends without each other, so it's nice to see that the joined-at-the-hip cliche is not universal. 

[LVG]

Clingy people drive me insane. I could never be in a relationship with someone who wanted to be together 24/7. Luckily, the boyfriend and I both have lives outside of ourselves. Emotional maturity helps with this too. 

[Shadow007]

I never understood the need to be hyper-suspicious of a partner if someone was in a relationship. Wouldn't that just drive the other away? There's got to be a point where trust really does become trust, and that won't happen if the "other half" is constantly monitoring or controlling their partner's every action. If that's what romance is these days, then obviously I've been reading from the wrong reference material, because that's just scary and toxic. I've had a toxic "best friend" in primary school (and one helicopter parent) and I'd hate to see that scenario repeat itself in a supposedly romantic context. It's isolating and suffocating, not to mention frustrating... 😒

 

For the Tuesday afternoon...

[Snao Cone]

I don't have demanding or possessive friends either, fortunately. Maybe it's helped that I don't make my friends based on a significant overlap of common interests, so there's not a period of doing everything together. Plus when I get to know people more closely, I often have conversations like this, so they know what my stances are.

[LVG]

I have one friend who's very socially needy, but she'd learned not to bug me or else I'll just ignore her. Luckily, she doesn't take offense and will just move on to someone else if I'm not available. 

[centauriel]

Growing up in "the buckle of the bible belt" it's been impossible for me to come out... because no one believes me when I do.  I've had four local friends of mine ever explicitly believe that asexuality is real when I told them about it.  I've tried telling my parents that I'm not interested in sex.  My mom thinks I'll grow into it, my dad thinks that it's just because I'm female.  My sister doesn't outright dismiss it, she hears me out, but I have yet to convince her of my sexuality.  I guess I don't need them to acknowledge it, but it's going to be really strange later in life when they assume that I'm being physically intimate with my significant other, when in reality, I'm not.  It's also kind of hard feeling like a kid around literally everyone else, because they're insisting that I'll "grow into it."

 

I've also been asked by countless strangers (coworkers, schoolmates, people I see often but don't know) whether or not I masturbate after explaining to them what asexuality is.  I always just shoot the question right back at them.

 

whoops wrong thread, sorry!

Edited February 22, 2018 by centauriel
Replied to the wrong thread, I think. Still trying to figure out the site layout.

[centauriel]

Growing up in "the buckle of the bible belt" it's been impossible for me to come out... because no one believes me when I do.  I've had four local friends of mine ever explicitly believe that asexuality is real when I told them about it.  I've tried telling my parents that I'm not interested in sex.  My mom thinks I'll grow into it, my dad thinks that it's just because I'm female.  My sister doesn't outright dismiss it, she hears me out, but I have yet to convince her of my sexuality.  I guess I don't need them to acknowledge it, but it's going to be really strange later in life when they assume that I'm being physically intimate with my significant other, when in reality, I'm not.  It's also kind of hard feeling like a kid around literally everyone else, because they're insisting that I'll "grow into it."

 

I've also been asked by countless strangers (coworkers, schoolmates, people I see often but don't know) whether or not I masturbate after explaining to them what asexuality is.  I always just shoot the question right back at them.

[PixleyDust✨]

On 7/15/2016 at 6:39 PM, Momobyon26 said:

yet I find there is this group of people that continuously will try and tell me I'm wrong in how I feel because I'm 'young.' As though magically when I hit 30+ or 40+ I'll realize the error of my ways and then thrust my legs open to receive all of the pene's in the world.

OH MY GOD. Freaking PREACH. 🙌

 

Would it be too much if I said you were my HERO for writing this? 

 

—Fellow Frustrated Female Ace, Age 25 🤣

[soda59]

On 2/21/2018 at 10:08 PM, centauriel said:

Growing up in "the buckle of the bible belt" it's been impossible for me to come out... because no one believes me when I do.  I've had four local friends of mine ever explicitly believe that asexuality is real when I told them about it.  I've tried telling my parents that I'm not interested in sex.  My mom thinks I'll grow into it, my dad thinks that it's just because I'm female.  My sister doesn't outright dismiss it, she hears me out, but I have yet to convince her of my sexuality.  I guess I don't need them to acknowledge it, but it's going to be really strange later in life when they assume that I'm being physically intimate with my significant other, when in reality, I'm not.  It's also kind of hard feeling like a kid around literally everyone else, because they're insisting that I'll "grow into it."

 

I've also been asked by countless strangers (coworkers, schoolmates, people I see often but don't know) whether or not I masturbate after explaining to them what asexuality is.  I always just shoot the question right back at them.

ah yes, the masturbation question. I just countered that one with 'I've being doing that since I was 8' . It was hilarious to see the reaction, especially since I'm a girl which confused him even more . It's true, though. Masturbation doesn't mean you want to do it with people.

[SaturnOOO]

Masturbating is a hell of a lot more efficient than going through the whole partnered sex thing... One of the reasons it's more than enough for me.

[James121]

10 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

Masturbating is a hell of a lot more efficient than going through the whole partnered sex thing... One of the reasons it's more than enough for me.

Together sex is on a totally different level to masturbation for me. 

[SaturnOOO]

^Presumably you're far from the only one to see it that way!

[borkfork]

"I have sex with myself all the time. I know just what I like." I think that was taken off YouTube. 

[HappyMJ]

So I'm like, one of the few aces in my friend group. There are two I know of, and one of them explained herself as more of, "I can see myself having a relationship and getting married, but I haven't quite.. found it". The rest of my friends, are extremely, openly just... attracted to things. They let it be known.

As for me, I'm one of the asexuals who lack attraction but I definitely have drive. It took me a while, after I got into my relationship, to realize that just because this one good experience has happened it doesn't invalidate my aromanticism or asexuality. In fact, even in my relationship I find myself at times having difficulties, but I know later I love him.

 

But as for musings and rantings, I have two to add. One of which, being as I said in my own thread about everyone expecting children out of me when I am in fact, terrified of pregnancy. Even seeing other pregnant women scares me, I tend to avoid them. I don't like being in a society where women are seen as little more than sexual objects and child bearers. Even people who are more open think I will just, change my mind some day.

As for the other thing, I'd like to clarify before I speak. I find nothing wrong in sleeping around, as long as it's safe, you respect yourself at the end of the day, and it isn't cheating I feel like it's okay. But anyway, I think if I weren't in a relationship, and adding in if people were attracted to me, it would be easy for me to sleep around. I like sex even if I don't feel attraction, because it does feel good. So the fact that I just, wouldn't have really feelings for it would make it quite easy to sleep around. A few of my friends are a bit like this, so I guess this is why it came to mind. It also comes to mind sometimes just due to mood swings I get, haha.

Wonder if anyone else feels the same?

[HappyMJ]

Another musing I just thought of is that I am one of the few aro/aces I know, but I am the one in my friend group that I believe has sex quite often.

Most of my friends are pan or bi, and still virgins. I find it kind of backwards and ironic.

Especially because my boyfriend is pansexual, but experiences a lower sex drive than I do. I wear him out, lol. ^_^;

[Chimeric]

Okay you guys I hate to totally barge in here and steamroll the convo but I saw you guys talking about diva cups a few months ago and I ordered one AANNNDDDD it's life changing.

 

I am a total convert.

 

100%.

 

Save my money and the environment? Oh my god yes please!

 

I have not yet attempted feeding my blood to the houseplants - partially cus that's a touch odd... but mostly because I'm afraid they'll develop a taste for it.

[Snao Cone]

3 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

but mostly because I'm afraid they'll develop a taste for it.

 

I have a Diva Cup but I don't use it because it doesn't work so smoothly with my body. If I did use it and I had house plants, I would absolutely combine those things.

[Cimmerian]

50 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

Okay you guys I hate to totally barge in here and steamroll the convo but I saw you guys talking about diva cups a few months ago and I ordered one AANNNDDDD it's life changing.

 

I am a total convert.

 

100%.

 

Save my money and the environment? Oh my god yes please!

Okay I gotta ask because I'm wary of spending money on one and then have issues with it during the middle of the day. How do you deal with it if you're out in public, does it stay in well, and how long did it take to learn to put in correctly? 

[SaturnOOO]

1 hour ago, Chimeric said:

I have not yet attempted feeding my blood to the houseplants - partially cus that's a touch odd... but mostly because I'm afraid they'll develop a taste for it.

Hah!! Never heard of this. I'm not squeamish about period blood... or blood in general for that matter, but I dunno if I want mine hanging around nourishing my succulents!

 

12 minutes ago, Cimmerian said:

Okay I gotta ask because I'm wary of spending money on one and then have issues with it during the middle of the day. How do you deal with it if you're out in public, does it stay in well, and how long did it take to learn to put in correctly? 

Out in public: if it's a one stall bathroom, no problem. If it's multiple stalls... I think I just wipe it with TP and put it back in! Stays really well. I've been using it since I was about 19, so I've forgotten how long it takes to get used to it. I remember the putting in part being quite straightforward. I think it took me a while to get the handling right so I didn't hurt myself taking it out. 

[Chimeric]

15 minutes ago, Cimmerian said:

Okay I gotta ask because I'm wary of spending money on one and then have issues with it during the middle of the day. How do you deal with it if you're out in public, does it stay in well, and how long did it take to learn to put in correctly? 

They are good to go for a solid 12 hours, so I pop it in before work and then take it out when I get home. So far that hasn't been an issue at all. =) If I did need to take it out in public, I would just clean it with some toilet paper and then put it back in until I could get home to properly clean it. It's kind of gross but that's what the instructions recommend, and it's silicone so it does clean super easily. It stays in really, really well. I've been super impressed by it so far. 

It's taken a few tries to learn how to put it in correctly (follow the instructions  - when they say horizontal, they mean horizontal haha). I didn't quite get it right on the second day of my period this go round (my heaviest flow day) and it did leak - but honestly, hardly at all. And I was in a dress. And it still was so not an issue.

Taking it out has been the greater learning curve, hahaha. 

 

I definitely recommend it! I wore a pad the first day just to make sure it wasn't going to be a complete scam, but I trusted it so much by the end of the first day that I didn't even bother wearing one that night. 

 

I, like, never thought I would be this big a fan of a menstrual product, but... Here we are.