Asexual Women Musings

[Shadow007]

18 hours ago, tunasupreme said:

I've been told that I do have RBF. I also seem to attract older creeps. NOT fun.

That's just scary. Personally I don't get what's so attractive about someone so many years younger - is it desperation or mental immaturity for their average age group? The whole generational gap thing really creeps me out. 

[tunasupreme]

I know right?!   I hate hate hate it.   I do look younger than my age ( twenty something), so sometimes I think these old creeps must be closet pedophiles.  ******* EW.

[Shadow007]

Definitely been there - I look younger than I am too, although I think my glasses have helped me out a little in more recent years (maybe it's just me, I don't know). I actually have an uncle who dates younger than him and it really grosses me out - and basically my biggest reason against it. I mean come on, the girlfriend is my younger sister's age (early 20s). To think that essentially this young woman could have been her classmate, or mine at some point, is really creepy.

[Snao Cone]

My worst experiences getting hit on by old men were when I was 15/16.

[Tyke]

2 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

My worst experiences getting hit on by old men were when I was 15/16.

How old were they? The age you are now (which would be way too old, of course)? Or even older still (which would be even more creepy. Shudder)?

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, Midland Tyke said:

How old were they? The age you are now (which would be way too old, of course)? Or even older still (which would be even more creepy. Shudder)?

Your age, give or take 10 years.

[Tyke]

19 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Your age, give or take 10 years.

yeah, anyone over 50 is pretty much the same age, right?  

 

But yuck! I hope you reported them. That must have been a gross experience.

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, Midland Tyke said:

yeah, anyone over 50 is pretty much the same age, right?  

To a teenager, absolutely!

 

1 minute ago, Midland Tyke said:

But yuck! I hope you reported them. That must have been a gross experience.

Nope, I didn't know what to do about it, to be honest. The first time I was trick-or-treating (which at 15 years old is pushing it, I will admit it). I didn't really dress up in a costume - I was just my goth self, on the one day of the year it fits in! I had pigtails and black lipstick and red eyeliner, wearing a black full-length dress with a long sleeved tee over top of it, and a regular tee over top of the long sleeved tee. Fully dressed, looking like a freak. My friend was dressed like a pirate, with the bandana and the fake beard and whatever. We shout trick or treat and a grandpa-aged man opens the door, gives us candy, and says to me "Oh I know who you're dressed up as - would you like a cigar Ms. Lewinsky? " We were so uncomfortable after that that we went back home. That was it for trick-or-treating, forever. Thanks creepy old dude.

 

The next time I was 16, sitting on a couch in a lounge where a couple of friends and I were eating (but not drinking, even though technically we were supposed to be 18 to be there at all). There was an older man sitting by himself on a couch on the other side of the room, having drinks and staring into nothingness. Then he walked over, sat on the armrest of our couch, started rubbing my back, and whispered "I'm sorry" into my ear. He did this a few times before I shouted "What are you doing, I don't know you" and the bartender kicked him out.

 

Both of those men could've easily kept their thoughts to themselves, don't you think?

[Tyke]

2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

To a teenager, absolutely!

 

Nope, I didn't know what to do about it, to be honest. The first time I was trick-or-treating (which at 15 years old is pushing it, I will admit it). I didn't really dress up in a costume - I was just my goth self, on the one day of the year it fits in! I had pigtails and black lipstick and red eyeliner, wearing a black full-length dress with a long sleeved tee over top of it, and a regular tee over top of the long sleeved tee. Fully dressed, looking like a freak. My friend was dressed like a pirate, with the bandana and the fake beard and whatever. We shout trick or treat and a grandpa-aged man opens the door, gives us candy, and says to me "Oh I know who you're dressed up as - would you like a cigar Ms. Lewinsky? " We were so uncomfortable after that that we went back home. That was it for trick-or-treating, forever. Thanks creepy old dude.

 

The next time I was 16, sitting on a couch in a lounge where a couple of friends and I were eating (but not drinking, even though technically we were supposed to be 18 to be there at all). There was an older man sitting by himself on a couch on the other side of the room, having drinks and staring into nothingness. Then he walked over, sat on the armrest of our couch, started rubbing my back, and whispered "I'm sorry" into my ear. He did this a few times before I shouted "What are you doing, I don't know you" and the bartender kicked him out.

 

Both of those men could've easily kept their thoughts to themselves, don't you think?

Just gross. You have my sympathy (I hope you realised that earlier). In a way you did report the second guy, if only to the bartender. But he touched you (on the back)? How on earth did he have the nerve to do that in public?

 

As difficult as it is for aces to fully understand what is going on inside the head of a sexual person, it just seems impossible that either of these two guys didn't know that what they did was wrong. But they did it anyway. Yuck.

 

 

[Snao Cone]

21 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

How on earth did he have the nerve to do that in public?

Alcohol, naturally!

 

21 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

As difficult as it is for aces to fully understand what is going on inside the head of a sexual person, it just seems impossible that either of these two guys didn't know that what they did was wrong. But they did it anyway. Yuck.

Yup, they're fully grown men, and as such they at least have a choice in what comes out of their mouths.   I would assume that the first guy thought nothing of it other than how funny his joke was. The second guy probably left that place thinking that he was treated unfairly. Maybe he regretted it all in a hangover the next day, but that's not an excuse.

[StarGoddess]

For me, it has been difficult because others tend to assume sexual preferences... 

I have felt really out of place and disconnected from other female friends seeking fwb, one night stands; finding people attractive... I just don't. And I never quite understood it; I just assumed okay I'm demisexual, and stuck with the label. But I've never met anyone else like me. 

Its a lonely experience really. 

[Hermit Advocate]

On 11/27/2017 at 2:25 PM, Snao Cone said:

My worst experiences getting hit on by old men were when I was 15/16.

I was hit on in a pool when I was 14/15 by a guy in his mid 20's. It was awkward as hell but at least he immediately left me alone (and looked very embarrassed) once I told him my age. 

[Guest]

I swear there are some men who will tear you down if they're attracted to you but you aren't interested in them. 

[StormySky]

13 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

I swear there are some men who will tear you down if they're attracted to you but you aren't interested in them. 

There's this annoying guy who likes me but bugs me a lot about it and now he's complaining about how he's "enemy zoned"

I'm like, if you would leave me be as I tried to work on important stuff, I wouldn't be so cross with you!

[StormySky]

It's weird because the other choir girls use the words "cute" and "hot" as compliments... and I'm kinda aesthetically blind, so I feel bad for not complimenting people who do want to be like that. We're all tight and seek to make each other feel better and I want to make everyone in the choir fam smile.

 

When the other girls compliment me like "oh you look cute!" I'm like "Aww that's kind of you!" (Although I was going for low key and inconspicuous with my guys jeans and unrevealing long sleeve)

[Guest]

26 minutes ago, StormySky said:

There's this annoying guy who likes me but bugs me a lot about it and now he's complaining about how he's "enemy zoned"

I'm like, if you would leave me be as I tried to work on important stuff, I wouldn't be so cross with you!

That does sound annoying. But he'll only get more and more annoying as long as you get annoyed. I would try to calm yourself down in the moment.

 

I mean like bullying, though. 

[StormySky]

7 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

That does sound annoying. But he'll only get more and more annoying as long as you get annoyed. I would try to calm yourself down in the moment.

 

I mean like bullying, though. 

I spoke with him in a stern scolding voice and accidentally broke his heart so now he shut up, but I feel like a jerk.

[Guest]

@StormySky I can't really blame you. You may have not handled it in the best way but you're not responsible for how someone reacts to something you did or said.

[Shadow007]

1 hour ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

I swear there are some men who will tear you down if they're attracted to you but you aren't interested in them. 

It's kind of ridiculous for them to expect any attraction back, and getting mad over it just makes the whole thing worse. Do they feel entitled to someone's feelings of attraction or something? It makes no sense to me. It also sounds like the average two-year-old who hasn't yet fully grasped that people other than themselves are capable of having different opinions or feelings than they do...

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, Shadow007 said:

It's kind of ridiculous for them to expect any attraction back, and getting mad over it just makes the whole thing worse. Do they feel entitled to someone's feelings of attraction or something? It makes no sense to me. It also sounds like the average two-year-old who hasn't yet fully grasped that people other than themselves are capable of having different opinions or feelings than they do...

 

Your thoughts about this sound exactly like my own.

[StormySky]

1 hour ago, Shadow007 said:

It's kind of ridiculous for them to expect any attraction back, and getting mad over it just makes the whole thing worse. Do they feel entitled to someone's feelings of attraction or something? It makes no sense to me. It also sounds like the average two-year-old who hasn't yet fully grasped that people other than themselves are capable of having different opinions or feelings than they do...

I did a report on an article in Scientific American Mind and even 2 year olds can have a concept of "others have different preferences"

 

"Omg *person* doesn't find me attractive, they must be the douche" 

It's so ridiculous it's almost funny.

 

I've seen jealous girls act the same, though at least it's been less whiney.

[Shadow007]

I know that they do have a concept of it, but from what I remember from a college psychology class, I think the instructor had said that that reasoning part of their mind wasn't fully developed yet (it was a couple of years ago). I've seen this in my 2 year old nephew, who doesn't completely understand when he's hurt someone or wrecked their things - we have to tell him so that he can start to recognize it better. I get that all kids have different rates and ways of comprehending concepts, but my comment had been based more on my observations of very young relatives of mine, so I wasn't looking to offend or assert that I was completely correct. I hope it was a fascinating article for your report, though.

And yeah, I'd say any gender can be just as bad at overreacting to a polite rejection. I kinda wish that these people would think it all through before acting on their emotions as a response - that kind of reaction is more than cringe-worthy...

[Hyoshiki]

On 2017/11/12 at 2:40 PM, Setsu_mei said:

I'm so glad I found this community. I read through several threads with all your stories - and it made me feel better.

For a long time I haven't known what I was and how I thought about sexuality. It never really interested me, I found it gross. But as a child I never really needed to deal with it because I was not concerned. Then puberty came and all of a sudden this was the center of almost everything. And I felt bad because I still thought it was disgusting. Then as time went by I got to know more about it, and I became utterly disgusted by it. If I imagined myself needing to have sex with anyone I was sick to my gut. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned every approach down in fear of having to go further with it once I accepted it. I even dressed boy-like for a long time so no one would approach me for that. I didn't want to be fancied by boys. 

And then on the other hand I had crushes on guys, later also girls. And it confused me so much. I didn't know asexuality was a thing when I was smaller (heck I discovered it like 3-4 months ago), and seriously thought something was wrong with me and felt bad about having crushes on someone when I didn't want to be involved with them. Later I reconsidered all this as liking the person's personility or just physical traits if I did not know them because they were nice looking people to me. But it still confused me and my childhood especially in high school was not easy. Also when my parents always bring up the topic of a boyfriend I feel so uneasy because I'm sure they would not understand this and I just avoid this as much as I can. I also feel disgusted and sick when they imply I have sex. 

It gave me so much strength when I realized there are other people out there who experience the same thing. It made me feel I'm not alone and not broken somehow.

In the past few years I began to dress and act more feminine not because I want to make people look at me in a sexual way but because I feel better this way. But obviously this all resulted in unsolicited approaches which again make me sick. Like tonight a person I barely know asked me out and I was grossed out by the idea that he might like me that way and see me in a sexual way I just wanted to scream at him to stop and go away and I never wanna see him ever again. Is this normal? It makes me so uncomfortable, especially that I don't fancy him at all.

I'm also confused about my crushes I have constantly. The sole fact that I have them. And I'm not attracted sexually, but physically as in I like their face, and/or personality. I would like to befriend them, be with them, do friend things with them, even cuddle and hug. But no sex. I sometimes want their attention like this, not any other way. It's just so confusing to me. To come to term with this. Coming to terms with not having sex is not a problem, I would rather pluck my eyes out. But coming to terms with craving physical attention like hugs and cuddles and kisses on ONLY cheeks is what confuses me the most. Why do I want that if I don't want sex? 

Wow! This describes my feelings to a T! So much, in fact, that I have just registered to reply to this topic!

 

I suspected I might be an ace before, but the more I read this forum the more I see myself! I actually feel relieved.

 

You guys rock.

[Snao Cone]

Welcome @Hyoshiki   It's always nice to see new members express their relief and joy at discovering this place.

[Hermit Advocate]

Hi @Hyoshiki, I'm glad you decided to join us. 

[LVG]

While I was in Vegas, I couldn't believe the amount of people who just assumed I was the wife/gf of my male friend. It was kind of funny.

[Hermit Advocate]

3 hours ago, LVG said:

While I was in Vegas, I couldn't believe the amount of people who just assumed I was the wife/gf of my male friend. It was kind of funny.

Well obviously you can't have friends of the opposite sex/gender. That's just a ridiculous idea. 

[:)(:]

On 12/2/2017 at 5:49 AM, Hyoshiki said:

I'm also confused about my crushes I have constantly. The sole fact that I have them. And I'm not attracted sexually, but physically as in I like their face, and/or personality. I would like to befriend them, be with them, do friend things with them, even cuddle and hug. But no sex. I sometimes want their attention like this, not any other way. It's just so confusing to me. To come to term with this. Coming to terms with not having sex is not a problem, I would rather pluck my eyes out. But coming to terms with craving physical attention like hugs and cuddles and kisses on ONLY cheeks is what confuses me the most. Why do I want that if I don't want sex? 

Same I I’m still not sure if im just the type to be an over affection friend or actually long term it. I hate the fact that I have crushes all the time and it’s always something small like a person is just a really good  human being and then I really like them.

 

I dunno the sad part is I will probably never act on it cuz I feel like I lack what they really need .

 

I wish I had an asexual sense you know and you could just tell.

[heartsandbones]

It's really nice reading some of your stories and seeing myself in them. I realized a long time ago that I wasn't really like other girls my age, discovered the term "asexual" a few years ago. I'm still not 100% sure where I fit, but I'm ok with that. Just knowing there's other people out there kind of like me is lovely. Reading through this thread today was the kind of pick-me-up that I needed at the moment.

Interestingly enough, I can kind of relate to a few things that have come up here. My first and only boyfriend was against sex before marriage due to the risk of kids in an unstable environment, something that I was fine with as it was companionship I was seeking anyways. I found out after dating for a couple of months that he was actually twice my age. He looked and acted a deal younger, and we got along well so it never came up. We continued dating for three years, he breaking up with me only a few months ago. Looking back on it now, it kind of weirds me out, especially knowing him so well and hearing other people talk about age gap couples. I obviously can't speak for other men who hit on (much) younger women, but I can tell you that he was very immature. Man-child is a good description, and I became very depressed towards the end of the relationship due to trying to "mother" him. I used to think age was just a number, but I've since realized it's quite an important one at times.     

[butterflydreams]

On 11/30/2017 at 10:12 PM, StormySky said:

It's weird because the other choir girls use the words "cute" and "hot" as compliments... and I'm kinda aesthetically blind, so I feel bad for not complimenting people who do want to be like that. We're all tight and seek to make each other feel better and I want to make everyone in the choir fam smile.

I’m the same honestly. I have a hard time knowing what’s “hot” though I can usually say when someone is just aesthetically cute. I think I’ve largely learned to fake it pretty well.