Asexual Women Musings

[rev_]

12 hours ago, Audrey03 said:

i know this post was made 3 years ago but holy crap same,,,,, it doesnt happen very often because my parents and i dont often talk about that far into "tHe FuTURe" (at least not right now lol) but when it comes up occasionally and my parents tell me i'll change my mind about kids in my head im just kinda like "yeah okay i could tell you why im not joking but you most likely wouldnt get it and im scared of that so haHA everything's fine"

 

just,,, oof man i really do empathise with that and it SUCKS

omg this happens to me too all the time and it's the worst.   the fear is honestly real. 

[Audrey03]

18 hours ago, Audrey03 said:

i know this post was made 3 years ago but holy crap same,,,,, it doesnt happen very often because my parents and i dont often talk about that far into "tHe FuTURe" (at least not right now lol) but when it comes up occasionally and my parents tell me i'll change my mind about kids in my head im just kinda like "yeah okay i could tell you why im not joking but you most likely wouldnt get it and im scared of that so haHA everything's fine"

 

just,,, oof man i really do empathise with that and it SUCKS

6 hours ago, Revathy Rajan said:

omg this happens to me too all the time and it's the worst.   the fear is honestly real. 

thats why i wish that more people were aware of what asexuality is and teach it to kids along WITH other sexual identities, because not only does it create confusion for other asexual people who didnt know that it was an identity and thought there was something wrong with them, but also so that parents could understand what we mean instead of just responding with "oh you'll grow out of that" or things similar to it

 

it just really sucks that i, along with you and a lot of other aces are afraid to come out because we dont think it will be received well

 

(and im sorry that happens to you so much dude!! it does suck and i wish it didnt happen as often as it does ☹️)

[Lmf00c]

I've had a couple of crushes on my life but they were in my teens and early 20s. I can't remember the last time I thought about a person beyond them being handsome/beautiful etc. I have only recently (the past few months) come to realize that I'm asexual. I feel like I have finally started seeing a bigger part of the puzzle that is me. I feel like a piece finally clicked into place and I am finally starting to see the bigger picture. I would like to cuddle, hug, and hold hands with someone who is there for me long term but haven't found that at this point. I envy people (sexual and non) who have someone or more than 1 special person that they can share their life with on a daily basis.

[Ninouk]

@Lmf00c Welcome to AVEN! I'm kind of in the same boat as you, having only discovered about asexuality in the last year. It's a relief to feel things falling into place, but I can also relate to that bittersweet feeling that comes from not knowing if ever you'll find someone special who is happy to stick to hugging and holding hands. I always thought that I would one day meet someone I would share my life with, but the realization I'm ace blew that stereotypical future life vision apart. Actively looking for a partner feels pointless, because there aren't any ace communities in my area, although I don't know about yours. The plus side is that you now know what type of person you'd be looking for! Personally, I'm not much into dating, and in my experience a close friend (who want to hug as well ) makes all the difference. I hope you do have good friends or family you can share your thoughts and feelings with?

Who knows what the future will bring! You're only in your twenties, and since we were born there's been a huge increase in the awareness and acceptance of LGBT+ and alternative forms of relationships beside the nuclear family. I feel like the world is opening up, and I have hope that the visibility of asexuals will get better, making it easier for us to find each other or sexual partners who are open-minded. Perhaps now it can still be difficult to communicate different relationship preferences, but it's not impossible - people who care to listen, they usually understand. I can keep typing, but I what I mean to say is: I'm happy for you you found out about yourself, and don't give up hope!

[Lmf00c]

@Ninouk thanks for your kind words. I live in a rural area so no major ave community that i know of in my general area. I'm also no longer in my 20s but I 100% agree with your statements about the progress that has been made for the LGBT+ community. We still have more progress that needs to be made all around the world. I hope that we continue to progress as a world and I hope that the U.S. starts moving back in the right direction. 

[MCLoves]

Dude, my mom is a Catholic and very traditional. She’s used to the nuclear family kinda thing, so when I try to tell her that I wanna get married to a guy, but I’m not interested in having kids or having sex ever in my lifetime, she always responds with some BS about how I can’t get married without having kids too cuz religion or the typical “you’ll grow out of it” line. It’s really frustrating.

On the bright side, the friends I’m “out” to and my little sister have been generally understanding, so that’s comforting.

It kinda sucks living in such a hyper-sexual culture though.

[ExquisiteMystery]

@Lmf00c

 @Ninouk 

I hope things get better for both of you. I am in a similar situation, although I leave near a bigger city. I just want to point out that 1)the internet is probably helpful for finding people, and 2)Communities have to start somewhere. If either of you are able and motivated, maybe see if you can start meetups or something. I truly don't mean it in a critical way, but it's easy to fall into being alone, because there is nothing organized. Unless you want to be alone, then you may have to be the start up person.

I am trying to organize for my area, at the moment. And always trying to be as visible as is safe.

I decided, even if I am unappealing to whomever comes, at least they can meet each other. Anyhow, best of luck. And @Ninouk

, thanks for the positive worldview.

[frodobelle]

On 6/17/2019 at 6:52 AM, Adrina said:

I grew up in the Christian Church and I gotta say, for sex to be so taboo in the church, they sure are obsessed with it. I grew up being taught that if I wanted to hold a boy’s hand that I’d want to have sex (how absolutely ridiculous right?) and I believed that lie despite really not wanting it. I never got why the girls always swooned over the boys or vice versa. And I sure as heck didn’t get sex jokes because my parents kept me out of sexual education classes on “religious grounds” and because I didn’t give a crap about sex. As a pastor’s kid other kids just assumed I was a goodie two shoes who would tattle if they did anything “unrighteous.”

Now I know there are different types of attractions and that I don’t really experience sexual attraction. Sensual? Sure. Aesthetic? Abso-friggen-lutely. I’m not always sex repulsed (my husband and I do have a kid) but I sure as heck don’t feel like I NEED sex. 

RIGHT?! All of this. Just all of it. The split attraction model blew my frickin mind. It's 2 years and odd into my marriage, and I just discovered I was hetero-romantic ace last week.

 

My siblings -- like my siblings who are 5 and 7 years younger than me -- have speculated about my being ace who knows how long ... but didn't tell me, which, I mean, fair enough. I don't blame them, but I did spend a lot of time blaming the church. I spent 2 years being unspeakably angry at the church because I believed they stunted my sexual development and left me utterly unprepared and inadequate for the wifely duties they expected me to just intrinsically KNOW.

 

Learning about asexuality and straightening out the different kinds of attraction has already helped so much in my marriage, in no small part because my husband is wonderful and now that he knows I just don't feel sexual attraction, is happy to engage in the romancey-cutesy-platonic stuff I do like, which makes it much easier for me to genuinely want to fulfill him in the ways HE likes/needs. I was worried he would be hurt, since so many of our arguments for the past 2 years have been about him wanting me to initiate and actively pursue him sexually, worried that I didn't find him desireable. But when I told him, and brought up that specific fear (a little confused when he DIDN'T react the way I'd been afraid he would), he said he mostly wanted to know I was enjoying myself/being fulfilled. 

 

Apparently, it was that obvious.

[confusedbat]

I love fashion and wearing pretty clothes as well as more androgynous styles. But I am also depressed about my appearance and feel ugly and in general wish I didn't feel "too ugly to wear that thing I like". School bullying messed me up thoroughly.

[KeyKey]

“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” are just such utter bs. Whenever other women talk about that fake crap at work I can’t help but think to myself, ‘Really? You buy all of that fake crying and the notion that 30 guys are all going to be attracted to the same woman?’ It’s madness.

[budgieghost]

On 7/30/2019 at 11:26 AM, confusedbat said:

I love fashion and wearing pretty clothes as well as more androgynous styles. But I am also depressed about my appearance and feel ugly and in general wish I didn't feel "too ugly to wear that thing I like". School bullying messed me up thoroughly.

That is sad. Wear whatever you want to seriously! School bullies are the pits but they don't get to choose who you are. I'm sure you look fine. Idk if that helps you at all.

 

On 6/30/2019 at 6:45 AM, Eutierria said:

Went to a bar with a small group of female friends (I'm the only ace as well as the only teetotal one in the group). Didn't take long for a random guy to approach the table & I no longer felt "safe" (does this make sense?) so I went to hide in the ladies toilets & asked the girls to text me when the guy had left. Only waited 5-10mins but felt a lot longer before the text came & I came out of my hiding place. The guy saw me return to my friends & walked up to our table again - by this point I just wanted to get myself out of that environment. Fortunately, a woman at a nearby table was heading outside for a smoke & I followed her out (never touched a cigarette in my life) & just stood next to her awkwardly saying that I needed some fresh air (it was near winter). I find these types of situations incredibly suffocating (does that make sense?) & intimidating.  This happened many years ago & yet I still remember exactly how it made me feel. 

This! This is me in every club situation! I usually don't get hit on, but the couple times I have it made my skin crawl and I've fortunately had girl friends to hide behind.

[Eutierria]

5 hours ago, Anna3422 said:

This! This is me in every club situation! I usually don't get hit on, but the couple times I have it made my skin crawl and I've fortunately had girl friends to hide behind.

Looking back, I don't know if it was smart or sad but if I was wearing a ring at the time, I would move it to my wedding finger & made sure I picked up my non-alcoholic drink with that hand...bizarre the things we learned to do to avoid that kind of interaction...😅

[budgieghost]

6 hours ago, Eutierria said:

Looking back, I don't know if it was smart or sad but if I was wearing a ring at the time, I would move it to my wedding finger & made sure I picked up my non-alcoholic drink with that hand...bizarre the things we learned to do to avoid that kind of interaction...😅

That's actually so smart. Although it's tough if the person I'm uncomfortable around is an acquaintance or coworker. I think part of the suffocation (for me) is that I feel powerless to navigate the situation because I don't understand it. Like there is a constant voice worrying that I can't be too friendly or affectionate, because I can't tell what is considered flirty, but I also want to be nice.

I relate to being the only teetotal one too, so people usually assume I'm just super naive. I once had a friend stand between me and a guy who wanted to dance so that he couldn't get near me. She sympathized that "he was pretty drunk," and I agreed aloud, but in my head, I thought "I don't mind that he's drunk, I mind that he's straight."

Edited August 5, 2019 by Anna3422

[frodobelle]

11 hours ago, Eutierria said:

Looking back, I don't know if it was smart or sad but if I was wearing a ring at the time, I would move it to my wedding finger & made sure I picked up my non-alcoholic drink with that hand...bizarre the things we learned to do to avoid that kind of interaction...😅

I realized around the time I got engaged that I have a strange sort of dependence on the rings men give me. I'd wear a ring I got from a boyfriend on my wedding finger and twist it conspicuously in any kind of stressful/uncomfortable situation. Like, even if it turned my skin green. I wore a cheap ring for years that left a green stain so dark it was almost black because I never took it off. I felt this very bizarre need to be "claimed" in a more or less official manner.

 

I think it comes from an admittedly false sense of security in the belief that those men understand "dibs" better than "no". I had a friend who was sexually assaulted four times in as many years, and I rolled with the rumors that I was her lesbian lover for exactly that reason -- "dibs" is safer than "no". My parents are casually homophobic and were uncomfortable with this set up, but even they still understood the dibs factor.

 

I remember my friend and I went to a karaoke bar one time, and we were dancing, and I was in a really tight skirt. She kept swinging me out of the path of this one really persistent drunk guy and told me later that he kept trying to grab my @$$. 

 

Not gonna lie, I'm scared of bars/clubs/social establishments that primarily sell alcohol after sunset. Men who are intimidating/awful sober are terrifying drunk.

[DarkStormyKnight]

You know, I've always hated going to bars and I'm unsure if it's because I'm nervous about the dudes there or just because I don't like buying overpriced drinks haha.

[A.J14]

I found it hard to accept I was asexual mainly because:

1. I’m a Muslim and well....I just thought I was being a good Muslim😂

2. I was known as the “innocent girl who could never do anything sexual”

 

After two relationships that ended mainly because of the so called lack of intimacy, it was hard to get out of the headspace of think I just wasn’t enough for anybody and everyone wanted too much. 

 

I am in a better mentality when I found a label that ticked off everything I felt when it came to the past relationships and the present but still not prepared for the “You just haven’t met the right person” chats in the future. 

[QueerAroAce]

🤷🏾‍♀️ Honestly I dont mind being flirted with, I love flirting with others. I'm not gross out by sexual stuff, just dont want any part of it. The thing that IRKS me, is when a guy says he understands that sexual stuff is a no no but then is like bUt fOrEPlAy Is gOoD rIGht?. . . Like sometimes I'm scared even if I do find an ace guy he might just be a str8 guy pretending..and if I find an ace women then she might be exposed to my less than homo friendly family 😅 ugh~ I'll be single for life v.v

[thequietplace]

On 7/13/2016 at 5:59 AM, m4rble said:

On 7/13/2016 at 5:50 AM, WitchUnicorn said:

It's pretty funny watching people ask me whether or not I want to be in a relationship despite wearing an asexual pride outfit.

In a sexualised society, relationships and sex are pretty much mandatory and God help you if you don't want that. And being a female who doesn't want a relationship makes everyone think that you had an abusive boyfriend or you're a bloody nun.

Also as a female asexual, we also have the added bonus of MENSTRUATION! That's right, that godforsaken hellhole in which Lucifer provides a week-long blood thunderstorm in. It's hilarious because I, as an asexual, do not experience sexual attraction and am sex-repulsed, have almost no need of monthly torture.

I think the need for monthly torture has more to do with wanting children than wanting sex. Then again, being able to turn ovulation on and off would be a much better option even for those who want children.

This NEEDs to be the next stage of evolution...

[frodobelle]

4 hours ago, thequietplace said:

This NEEDs to be the next stage of evolution...

Depo shot. I spot a little every 3 months or so. It feels a little like getting a tetanus shot for the week immediately after the shot, but there's almost no period to speak of. The mood swings and ovulation still happen, but the blood and the cramping not so much. And I used to ha e a very heavy, very long, very painful period.

[LVG]

Sometimes my ovulation pain is worse than my period. Last month, I felt like I was dying. This month, almost nothing. I used to be on the pill to regulate this, but it didn't work all that great. Instead of feeling awful for about week, I felt mildly terrible all the time, and I gained about ten pounds. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. 

[Phalena]

On 7/26/2016 at 5:47 AM, Snao van der Cone said:

I'm curious - how many of you lovely ace women have had hormonal acne problems in your life? I started getting pretty bad chin acne (which is usually caused by hormones) when I was 19 or so, and it continued for over a decade. I went on birth control at 25 for mostly period reasons, and that sometimes helps this problem, but my chin acne raged on for a solid seven years after that. I wonder if the hormonal nature of this would've been affected at all by having sex.

Very late reply, lol.

 

It wouldn't have changed a god damn thing... I can tell this because of one of my cousins: She and I are both cursed with acne. Both caused by hormonal imbalances and blablabla... She is sexual. She is sexually active. For a while she didn't take any pills or so and: NOTHING! And the only solution for her was a special anti-baby-pille (as we call it over here). So, sex for the sake of influencing hormones didn't solve the problem.

Maybe it does in other cases? Not every hormonal imbalance might be the same. I have no idea....

[thequietplace]

On 8/6/2019 at 6:20 AM, frodobelle said:

 

Not gonna lie, I'm scared of bars/clubs/social establishments that primarily sell alcohol after sunset. Men who are intimidating/awful sober are terrifying drunk.

One of the many reasons I don't drink. And have never liked the traditional club/bar scene. Have only ever been to metal clubs and even then the fairly tame ones, have a non alcy drink and listen to some cool music with people I trust- no S&M taped to the ceiling or private room business for me thanks!

[thequietplace]

On 8/29/2019 at 6:17 PM, MiffKeks said:

Very late reply, lol.

 

It wouldn't have changed a god damn thing... I can tell this because of one of my cousins: She and I are both cursed with acne. Both caused by hormonal imbalances and blablabla... She is sexual. She is sexually active. For a while she didn't take any pills or so and: NOTHING! And the only solution for her was a special anti-baby-pille (as we call it over here). So, sex for the sake of influencing hormones didn't solve the problem.

Maybe it does in other cases? Not every hormonal imbalance might be the same. I have no idea....

I suffer from this on ocassion - it sounds kinda hokey but I do find some herbal remedies can help some times. I regularly have to have many painkillers when it's 'that' time, and was once able to get by with a herbal equivalent, which you have to start having a week before the pain starts. It was really hard to predict and in the end too expensive but it definitely did work to some degree and helped with acne and general feeling like crap at that time.

[thequietplace]

On 6/30/2019 at 11:45 AM, Eutierria said:

Went to a bar with a small group of female friends (I'm the only ace as well as the only teetotal one in the group). Didn't take long for a random guy to approach the table & I no longer felt "safe" (does this make sense?) so I went to hide in the ladies toilets & asked the girls to text me when the guy had left. Only waited 5-10mins but felt a lot longer before the text came & I came out of my hiding place. The guy saw me return to my friends & walked up to our table again - by this point I just wanted to get myself out of that environment. Fortunately, a woman at a nearby table was heading outside for a smoke & I followed her out (never touched a cigarette in my life) & just stood next to her awkwardly saying that I needed some fresh air (it was near winter). I find these types of situations incredibly suffocating (does that make sense?) & intimidating.  This happened many years ago & yet I still remember exactly how it made me feel. 

This used to be me all over...I can count on one hand virtually the number of times I have gone to a bar/club, other than to see bands. I am a lot better now but perhaps that is just because I don't put myself in these situations anymore. It does help if you know ahead of time that the people there will have a similar interest to you e.g. music etc. or if it's a fancy dress party you can hide yourself and exclaim over everyone's costumes for a bit - after that it gets kinda awkward...

 

It's really frustrating to lack the confidence that friends have talking to strangers, I feel your pain!

[dee615]

On 2/11/2019 at 11:01 AM, AcePrincess666 said:

I've had a few boyfriends... All older than me and have been previously sexually active... We would make out and they would start touching or doing things and I feel nothing... No pleasure just a question of why, what's the point. When I try to explain this they would always take offense so I stopped... I never let things go far (still a virgin 😊) but I always felt weird not enjoying what it was made out to seem I should. I would also shower as soon as possible afterwards because I felt gross... Also my father seems to think I'll have sex and that I should want to and that it's perfectly normal to be curious.... Even though I've said I'm plenty happy not having sex. Whereas my mom and I have this joke that I'll be a 30 year old virgin with kids (insemination then adiption/fostering) which I never saw as a joke... I enjoy relationships and cuddling and hand holding etc... I don't mind kissing but it feels more like a chore... Finding out about this community has been really helpful honestly 😊

I too, find the mechanics of making out a chore, that give me little to no pleasure. I don't feel disgust or repulsion ... just a neutral sense of touch. The way most people ( I presume) feel when a medical professional gently presses on their body. I'm still a virgin at 56, and it doesn't bother me. I'm curious about the underlying psychology of sexual orientations and gender/ sexual expression, in a sort of detached, academic way. I'm still not sure how people have sex, and have no desire to find out, although I'm a voracious information seeker when it comes to most things. 

[NicoleHolmes]

Looking for a little advice. I have never had a pap smear, even though I know they are important for detecting cancer, because I am averse to penetration. I have never had sex. I have never used a tampon. I've tried but the thought made my stomach hurt, I felt nauseated, and panicky. I have been told that pap smear doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable, but that it is more uncomfortable for virgins. I have also heard that it is easier if you relax your muscles, but I become so anxious and sick just thinking about it, that there's no way I could relax my muscles. Does anyone else struggle with this? And do you have any suggestions for overcoming it? I may just go without pap smears and hope I never have a problem down there. I honestly feel sick after just typing this. Please help.

[Phalena]

5 hours ago, NicoleHolmes said:

Looking for a little advice. I have never had a pap smear, even though I know they are important for detecting cancer, because I am averse to penetration. I have never had sex. I have never used a tampon. I've tried but the thought made my stomach hurt, I felt nauseated, and panicky. I have been told that pap smear doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable, but that it is more uncomfortable for virgins. I have also heard that it is easier if you relax your muscles, but I become so anxious and sick just thinking about it, that there's no way I could relax my muscles. Does anyone else struggle with this? And do you have any suggestions for overcoming it? I may just go without pap smears and hope I never have a problem down there. I honestly feel sick after just typing this. Please help.

I perfectly understand where you're coming from. And there aren't many tips to be given, I fear. There is just two things I can come with right now, or three:

 

1) Take someone, you feel comfortable around, with you (someone that even holds your hand if necessary, so nobody who's just complaining about you being afraid.)

2) Wear a skirt. (My aunt has given me this one and I can agree that it makes woman feel less "naked" which helps to decrease the discomfort)

3) Routine. The first time is the scariest part in a lot of things. But the more often you had a pap smear, the less it affects you. It might not get rid of feeling sick completely (I, too, am still somewhat afraid of the dentist although there are no more procedures that could be worse than what I've already had...,).

 

Oh, and I just came up with 4) Prepare a reward! It can be anything from sweets to a new accesoire of your phone. Or a good cup of tea/coffee with a person you like (maybe the same one that came with you from 1)).

 

Please know that you're not alone with these worries!

🤗 Let me give you a hug.

[thequietplace]

Ditto I have never had one for these reasons and don't intend to - I guess same, just cross fingers and hope for the best? It isn't particularly clever but the alternative is just 'hell no'.

[Aloney]

Oh, I've had a PAP once, as a part of a vaccine study 😅 Not the most pleasant thing, no, and I was definitely nervous and also embarrassed myself in my head (just a friendly tip, you're supposed to rest the back of your knees on those leg hold things, not the feet 😅), but it didn't hurt, exactly. And it's over in a jiffy. When they asked if I wanted to test for STDs, I almost snorted, being a virgin and not having had any relationships prior nor later 😂 But I think I did let them test for them, anyway. I guess it could have been useful for the study, at least..? 

[NicoleHolmes]

2 hours ago, Aloney said:

Oh, I've had a PAP once, as a part of a vaccine study 😅 Not the most pleasant thing, no, and I was definitely nervous and also embarrassed myself in my head (just a friendly tip, you're supposed to rest the back of your knees on those leg hold things, not the feet 😅), but it didn't hurt, exactly. And it's over in a jiffy. When they asked if I wanted to test for STDs, I almost snorted, being a virgin and not having had any relationships prior nor later 😂 But I think I did let them test for them, anyway. I guess it could have been useful for the study, at least..? 

How long did it take?