Asexual Women Musings

[Shiloh_Rose]

Its actually one of the things my mum told me when she broke down at some point, about how I am so far behind compared to my brothers and currently jobless for like three years now; and how there isn't someone in my life, etc.

I had no idea what to tell her, because I already knew/she has already made quite clear how terrified she is for me.

But like... I can't help her?(can't seem to help myself either, -__- but) if I can't decide about a car in just a few days-weeks like my brothers and it takes me months instead, a friggin /relationship/ is wayyyyyyyy... out there. Everything has to be purely 'natural'. I can't go on dating websites or 'meet the (one??? idk low number) eligible 'Christian' guy who might be in our church'(who I would not share anything with anyway but 'being a christian'(if I am even still that)).  Especially if I was to literally be like 'so. I don't ever want sex, and also I don't want kids' that is just. Not a thing around here.

Literally my brain and my personality and my friggin everything... it just doesn't work like that for me. So. I might be single forever. Which I'm a bit bummed about, but also like whatever, but also it would be nice if there was a person, but I'm pretty sure that would only work if we were insanely compatible in literally everything.

[cucaruchis]

On 1/6/2019 at 6:20 PM, Shiloh_Rose said:

I would personally like there to be someone, but also I have no idea how.

I think with me it's not that I don't know how as much as it's that I'm terrified of commitment. In theory I'd like for there to be someone, but a romantic relationship is such a big thing that I'd much rather just be friends with someone. I feel like there's less chance of it all going to hell if we're friends

[Acethetic 💙]

On 7/13/2016 at 4:28 AM, Randomchaos said:

So I wanted to start a topic for asexual women so we could gather and discuss what it's like to be asexual's in a world where we are the odd ones out for not being interested in sex. This is meant for Asexual Women for it to be a place for us to discuss what happens in daily life. Ranting is okay too lol.

So to get the ball rolling, yesterday one of my co-workers gets my attention, and says " hey I don't want to be in your business or anything but don't you want a man, like won't you want one eventually." Looking back on it he probably didn't even mean 'don't you want a relationship?' it was more likely about wanting someone to have sex with.... He doesn't know I'm Ace but at the same time it made me realize just how sexual the world is, and how as an asexual woman there will be many instances to come like this last one where people won't understand that I'm just not interested. I'm also a grey a-romantic so double whammy in the fact that I don't even really want a relationship.

I guess my reason for wanting to start this thread is to have Asexual Women come together and discuss events in their lives, or be able to just vent. I mean being asexual in a world where women are made into sexual objects isn't easy, so please use this thread to vent, muse, rant etc. About things that happen in your life.

P.S. I totally ripped this off of Steph. But who cares If the boys get their own thread we get one too lol.

P.S.S. I am totally going to regret posting this  .

P.S.S.S. If someone has a better topic title please let me know :D

Hey, I could relate to what I just read and I'm so glad you posted it. I go to an all girls college and my friends' circle are mostly bisexual or straight. They are okay with the 'hook-up' culture and I respect them for that. But I am demisexual and I wish I was equally respected for my choices too. In my circle, I'm the one that's least sexually active and they find it funny. They ask me how do I not enjoy masturbating and how have I not tried at all. They tried to make me join tinder and I refused because that isn't me. I would prefer dating someone I already know. I am so glad you posted this, really. Thank you so much, so content knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

[PaintedOrchid]

23 hours ago, Acethetic 💙 said:

Hey, I could relate to what I just read and I'm so glad you posted it. I go to an all girls college and my friends' circle are mostly bisexual or straight. They are okay with the 'hook-up' culture and I respect them for that. But I am demisexual and I wish I was equally respected for my choices too. In my circle, I'm the one that's least sexually active and they find it funny. They ask me how do I not enjoy masturbating and how have I not tried at all. They tried to make me join tinder and I refused because that isn't me. I would prefer dating someone I already know. I am so glad you posted this, really. Thank you so much, so content knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Gosh this is how I feel. I’m a very independent person, and to me the idea of trying to integrate another person so fully into my life is frustrating and terrible. Any time I try dating I am overwhelmed at how much the other person expects me to just... let them into my life immediately. I’m slow to develop friendships as well, and I’d much rather go slowly. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be an option in today’s world. I would actually enjoy having someone to cohabitate with and do romantic-type things with (go on dates, talk about movies, binge Netflix, talk about life, cuddle on the couch etc) but I don’t want my entire identity to be absorbed into a relationship like most of the “normal” couples I see around me. Then add the whole “sex-averse” thing on top of it and it looks like it’s a good thing I like being so independent...

[AvatarRand]

So i'm looking for some advice and maybe rant a little.

 

We all know how sexual the world is and i know that majority of the world has come to terms with the existence of LGBT which is awesome. However, although asexuals are rightfully part of lgbt theres still discrimination (theres still even discrimination against bisexuals) towards us because well they aren't us. 

 

I'm homoromantic asexual. I enjoy and want a romantic relationship. I enjoy the cuddles and kisses and whatnots but I dont enjoy sex. I dont like it, i think its gross. 

 

I live in Malaysia where they are caning lesbians, closing down gay bars, and killing transgendered people. Still there is an lgbt community and there is some fight for acceptance. But like i mentioned, the worlds very sexual and i don't know if Malaysians even know the meaning of asexual outside the context of plants/science or if the lgbt here accepts asexuals. Its been giving me some insecurities. (Sigh. After finally realizing and accepting myself i have this to think about)

 

For example, im on tinder and to avoid discrimination or zero matches i just state that im queer. Even to those that i "came out to" think im a lesbian. So i dont really know what to do. Being in a relationship here almost seems to equal to sex. Thats what everyone wants. And i just wanna hold hands and cuddle and watch netflix. Literally. Ugh.

 

Hmm maybe ill change queer to homoromantic asexual. And only 2 outcomes. Zero matches or matches but just wanting to know wtf that means. 🙄

[Sweet Potato]

tinder is mostly a hookup ap. not a good place for finding a sexless relationship. Have you tried ok cupid?

[PaintedOrchid]

57 minutes ago, Sweet Potato said:

tinder is mostly a hookup ap. not a good place for finding a sexless relationship. Have you tried ok cupid?

I have tried OkCupid, and while I don’t have my profile set to asexual/demisexual, I DO screen through the questions like “after how many dates would you expect to have sex?” And while I understand that’s not necessarily an exact description of people out there, especially because I’m heteroromantic so I’m deaing with guys, like 99% of people say 1-2 dates, or say they’d sleep with someone on the first date, etc. I’m probably deleting my profile soon after the last three dates where the other person was waaaay too forward from the start for my comfort level. It’s kind of a tossup. Again, it might be different if you’re looking for women on there.

[Sweet Potato]

a tip for getting better matches on ok cupid is to set your profile to asexual for sure, answer lots of questions and don't bother with anyone under 85% match.  also, set who you are looking for to exclude hetero men. fact is Hets tend to want sex. being vague in your profile and in what you are looking for gives you lots of matches, but very few good ones.  this is true in any dating site

[PaintedOrchid]

54 minutes ago, Sweet Potato said:

a tip for getting better matches on ok cupid is to set your profile to asexual for sure, answer lots of questions and don't bother with anyone under 85% match.  also, set who you are looking for to exclude hetero men. fact is Hets tend to want sex. being vague in your profile and in what you are looking for gives you lots of matches, but very few good ones.  this is true in any dating site

Thanks for the tips, I’ll give that a shot! I usually go for the 90%+ matches but the rest of your suggestions are things I should probably apply as well. This is my first foray into the online dating thing and I don’t have any ace friends, so the advice my real life friends give me tends to not apply somtimes 😕

[AvatarRand]

7 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

tinder is mostly a hookup ap. not a good place for finding a sexless relationship. Have you tried ok cupid?

I tried okcupid. Once. Didnt seem very fruitful. Maybe ill give it another go.

[SaturnOOO]

We did a big group OK Cupid matchmaking session on JFF a while back to see how compatible we were with each other. I deleted my account afterwards because I got so many "how you doin'?" type messages. 

[Snao Cone]

3 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said:

We did a big group OK Cupid matchmaking session on JFF a while back to see how compatible we were with each other. I deleted my account afterwards because I got so many "how you doin'?" type messages. 

Oh yeah! I forget how I matched up with people...

[SaturnOOO]

37 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Oh yeah! I forget how I matched up with people...

Me too. I feel like a lot of us got 100% though

[cucaruchis]

I've been using Hinge lately. It's similar to tinder but less of a hookup app, and more about getting to know people. I've only been using it for a few days, but it seems good so far

[Acethetic 💙]

On 1/14/2019 at 11:16 PM, PaintedOrchid said:

Gosh this is how I feel. I’m a very independent person, and to me the idea of trying to integrate another person so fully into my life is frustrating and terrible. Any time I try dating I am overwhelmed at how much the other person expects me to just... let them into my life immediately. I’m slow to develop friendships as well, and I’d much rather go slowly. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be an option in today’s world. I would actually enjoy having someone to cohabitate with and do romantic-type things with (go on dates, talk about movies, binge Netflix, talk about life, cuddle on the couch etc) but I don’t want my entire identity to be absorbed into a relationship like most of the “normal” couples I see around me. Then add the whole “sex-averse” thing on top of it and it looks like it’s a good thing I like being so independent...

You totally get me too. You too are demisexual, I suppose. I'm so glad I get to talk my issues out here. So glad!

[SaturnOOO]

On 1/6/2019 at 1:28 PM, Shiloh_Rose said:

well, it should be on them because its all going on in their brains and I want nothing to do with sex anyway.

Pretty sure you hit the nail on the head. People who are most active in keeping sex the Big Thing That Should Not Be Considered except for in very precise circumstances are usually the ones most obsessed with it. 

[Romanca]

For me I get annoy, unnerved, uncomfortable and all these sort of words when.

I get added by unkown Romanian guy and the conversation goes sexual quickly

Im on a Romanian chat site and a number of Romanian guys want nothing more then a relationship, sex or some in depth conversation about sex.

If it was not for the fact I adore the act of writing/speaking Romanian I would find myself in this position a lot less. Im was born there but later adopted out and take conservation of the identity and language (to the extent I can) seriously. With phrases like........

1) Cât de mult ador limba română? Hai să spunem ca exista o înțelegere între Eu și Dumnezeu (how much do I adore Romanian, lets just say there exists an understanding between myself and God)

2) Limbă Română este un dar de la Dumnezeu la mine (Romanian language is a gift from God to me).

[ChaoticHetergenousMixture]

Is anyone else annoyed that there seems to be no framework for keeping close friends after getting into a romantic relationship? Our culture is so obsessed with soulmates that it forgets that one person cannot possibly be everything you need just by themselves no matter how amazing they are. I've been thinking about how I might want a relationship someday, but I don't want my whole life to revolve around them. 

[Bambosina]

On ‎7‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 4:11 AM, UncommonNonsense said:

Sometimes I miss the old saw about women being less sexual than men. Yeah, I'm aware it isn't seen as true anymore, but it gave ace women a certain excuse for just not being into it.

Thank you for saying that!... Kind of like one of those wishes that you wouldn't actually make it come true, if you had the power to (you know, because you're not a completely selfish person, right?), but sometimes you wonder "it would be so much easier..."

Edited January 30, 2019 by Bambosina

[Bambosina]

You know when you meet a guy and tell him right away that you're not into sex and that is NOT some sort of challenge for him? And he's sweet about it and after a while proposes to just sleep together, really sleep, and you do just that? And then you go out on a couple of dates, you kiss and hug and you can tell that he'd gladly take the kissing beyond what you'd be okay with, but he realizes this too and reassures you that it's good to just kiss and hug? And the next time he still tries to take it to the next level, which of course ends up a faillure, and then you never see him again? I mean, why, what was the endgame here?

[Snao Cone]

7 hours ago, Bambosina said:

You know when you meet a guy and tell him right away that you're not into sex and that is NOT some sort of challenge for him? And he's sweet about it and after a while proposes to just sleep together, really sleep, and you do just that? And then you go out on a couple of dates, you kiss and hug and you can tell that he'd gladly take the kissing beyond what you'd be okay with, but he realizes this too and reassures you that it's good to just kiss and hug? And the next time he still tries to take it to the next level, which of course ends up a faillure, and then you never see him again? I mean, why, what was the endgame here?

I guess he thinks that risks reap rewards, and believes that being persistently stupid counts as taking a risk.

[Sweet Potato]

On 1/30/2019 at 1:00 PM, Bambosina said:

You know when you meet a guy and tell him right away that you're not into sex and that is NOT some sort of challenge for him? And he's sweet about it and after a while proposes to just sleep together, really sleep, and you do just that? And then you go out on a couple of dates, you kiss and hug and you can tell that he'd gladly take the kissing beyond what you'd be okay with, but he realizes this too and reassures you that it's good to just kiss and hug? And the next time he still tries to take it to the next level, which of course ends up a faillure, and then you never see him again? I mean, why, what was the endgame here?

unfortunately, society, media, etc have told men that persistence and patience pay dividends. that if you continue to push boundaries you will eventually score.  he probably thought you were a don't screw on the first date person but might be convinced on date 3 or 4. 

[Hermit Advocate]

On 2/1/2019 at 10:23 PM, Sweet Potato said:

unfortunately, society, media, etc have told men that persistence and patience pay dividends. that if you continue to push boundaries you will eventually score.  he probably thought you were a don't screw on the first date person but might be convinced on date 3 or 4. 

Who the hell came up with the 3 dates rule for having sex with someone? How can a person know someone well enough to have sex after only 3 dates? WTF.

 

The idea if you push boundaries and the other person will inevitably give in is such a toxic part of our "modern" society. 

[Autumn Season]

A friend with a traditional mindset about gender roles told me this: Before her uncle and aunt married, the aunt actively rejected the uncle, but he never gave up and once he even ran after her, as her taxi drove away. She said that this was very romantic and this is exactly how she wants to be courted. She also couldn't understand my differing opinion. 

 

Another, err, friend commented on a scene from a movie. The main actress had just rejected a gift from the main actor. The guy friend said: This is ridiculous, all women always enjoy receiving gifts. 

 

In another situation a friend had just rejected somebody, but regretted her decision. She asked whether she should tell him her feelings, admit that she was wrong and say that she wanted to be with him. She was advised to hide her feelings and make him want her again instead. The reason was that all men supposedly like to "hunt down" the woman they like and it somehow hurts their pride to be on the receiving end. In this case the people involved lived in a modern cultural pocket.

 

My point is that society is messed up.

[Sweet Potato]

I had to threaten a man with harassment charges before he stopped pursuing me.  the whole idea that a woman's "no" actually means "try harder" is a huge part of why the #MeToo movement exists

 

[SaturnOOO]

I hate that goddamn trope and it's EVERYWHERE. Even now that more attention is being paid to how dangerous this idea of "romance" is, a shocking number of people, both men and women, still find it somehow charming and desirable, and pop culture still feeds right into it.

[Snao Cone]

It's dangerous that people are led to believe that "real love" and "wanting romance" is morally superior to wanting sex, and so it's okay for someone to endlessly pursue it if love is involved. Just want to bang that ass? Creep, leave them alone! Just want to be with them forever? Keep at it, son, you'll get her eventually!

[Visenya]

8 hours ago, Autumn Season said:

but he never gave up and once he even ran after her, as her taxi drove away. She said that this was very romantic

Jesus, I read "he even ran over her", and it scared the sh*t out of me!

 

Anyway...

I've met a lot of women like the ones you described. They believe that in order to prove that he isn't looking for a casual fling, the guy must show that he's actually emotionally invested and committed to the relationship. He needs to make sacrifices and do a bunch of things he doesn't want to do in order to prove his love for her (like taking her to an expensive restaurant he can barely afford, removing friends from his life at his partner's request, spending every minute of his spare time with her, buying her gifts etc). So, it's considered acceptable to test how far the guy is willing to go and what he's willing to do in order to have her in his life. I find it absurd, tbh. Even the supposedly innocent "playing hard to get" thing annoys the crap out of me.

 

37 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

It's dangerous that people are led to believe that "real love" and "wanting romance" is morally superior to wanting sex, and so it's okay for someone to endlessly pursue it if love is involved.

This! x100

There's a movie called Don Jon that compares this idealization of romance pushed by romantic movies with the unrealistic expectations that men get from watching too much porn (although I'm not fond of blaming the media for this. I think it's on TV mostly because that's the way a lot of people tend to act, not the other way around)

[LVG]

I'm pretty sure "endlessly pursuing" someone is stalking. Thankfully, I've never been stalked, but I had a couple of guys get creepy.

 

For instance, I went out on a blind date once, which was a disaster. The next day, the guy calls and tells me he loves me. I never hung up a phone so quickly before. He proceeded to keep calling and calling until I eventually turned my phone off a day or two.  

[SeeYa]

8 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

I had to threaten a man with harassment charges before he stopped pursuing me.  the whole idea that a woman's "no" actually means "try harder" is a huge part of why the #MeToo movement exists

 

I personally would welcome a second run of the #MeToo movement, I don't think it achieved enough yet. A good start, but not quite enough.