Telecaster68 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 My wife told her mother, not long before our wedding, how we had the best sex she'd ever had. There are various levels on which I can't get my mind round this now. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Maybe she wanted to say something she expected marrying women to say? Perhaps to console herself; marriage nerves, asexual denial. Or wanted to console her mother that she was marrying the right guy? Link to post Share on other sites
chimaera Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 On 14. 7. 2016 at 0:12 AM, Star Bit said: Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 On the other side, it annoyed me when my partner would tell people how he just got laid etc. Or brag about his 20 something year old giving him a blow job. I just skirted questions. He wanted me to back him up on sex being awesome to others and I wouldn't. And I wish he didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 On the other side, it annoyed me when my partner would tell people how he just got laid etc. Or brag about his 20 something year old giving him a blow job. I just skirted questions. He wanted me to back him up on sex being awesome to others and I wouldn't. And I wish he didn't. Ugh, yes. Equally gross. At least my only issue with telling people that we don't have sex is that I don't want unsolicited advice (or pity). The forcing an asexual partner to lie about sex is... I don't know... feels kinda like an extension of (i don't want to use the word "abuse", because it's not, but I can't think of the right word). Sexual coercion? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 On the other side, it annoyed me when my partner would tell people how he just got laid etc. Or brag about his 20 something year old giving him a blow job. I just skirted questions. He wanted me to back him up on sex being awesome to others and I wouldn't. And I wish he didn't. Ugh, yes. Equally gross. At least my only issue with telling people that we don't have sex is that I don't want unsolicited advice (or pity). The forcing an asexual partner to lie about sex is... I don't know... feels kinda like an extension of (i don't want to use the word "abuse", because it's not, but I can't think of the right word). Sexual coercion? My issue mainly was that it made me feel as if I wasn't "good enough" cause he had to try to make me pretend to be "better" for his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Maybe she wanted to say something she expected marrying women to say? Perhaps to console herself; marriage nerves, asexual denial. Or wanted to console her mother that she was marrying the right guy? Yeah. Although, she was also saying it to me a lot at the time too. Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 It could be a way, an attempt, to convince herself that everything is perfect and fine and that she's like every other good wife for her husband Tele. As for all those partners lying. It's clear that our "sexual" society put a lot of pressure on everyone and their mothers to appear as a normal person in the eyes of others. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 It makes sense. I hadn't actually thought of it like that before - I'd always thought of it as an example of the 180. Unless she's an world class actor, she was enjoying the sex though, just (in retrospect) in a kind of self-involved way. I always sensed there was something disconnected about it, to the point I sometimes felt I was pretty much being used as a kind of organic dildo. Not much actual tenderness, like sex was two people getting themselves off, not two people sharing pleasure. So to revisit my current narrative of her being sexual with a low libido which was knocked out by lupus/menopause, I'd get 'sex-favourable asexual, trying to figure out a way to be what she'd think of as normal'... Link to post Share on other sites
*Jade* Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I would say that if you go to a sex therapist, it's imperative to find one that affirms the asexual partner. My husband and I went to a sex therapist, and she just thought I was crazy and needed to be fixed (as did my husband). This really didn't help at all. It made me feel more miserable than I already did. Link to post Share on other sites
simpleton Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 the thought of sex therapy is ok but it might go on to upset him as he might see it as you not being fully understanding of how he feels. I think you both should just enjoy being together for now and talk about sex when the urge comes (that very moment ) Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Sex therapists are in business to help both partners enjoy sex with each other. If one partner doesn't want/enjoy sex because they're asexual, the sex therapist isn't going to be able to change that person -- only make them feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 A sexually compromising asexual and a sexual person can be compatible. In terms of doing the act, or frequency, yes. In terms of the sexual's need to feel desire, they can't. That part depends on the sexual's willingness to forgo being desired because of the other good things about the relationship, just as frequency depends on the asexuals willingness to put up with sex because of the other good things about the relationship. That ^^^ And if the sexuaI doesn't mind their partner justIying there with their eyes squeezed shut waiting for it to be over. I was a sexuaIIy compromising ace. I gave my ex sex twice a day (sometimes more) for about 40 minutes each time, every day, for 5 years. And he was never happy about it because I didn't enjoy and want it the way other women he'd been with did. When I tried to fake he'd get even more mad because he knew I was faking and figured I was trying to 'cover' for aII the cheating I was doing (he was convinced I must be cheating or eIse I'd enjoy and want sex) Sometimes, compatibiIity is impossibIe no matter how much sextheace is wiIIing to give. And I know even if my ex hadn't been so mad aII the time, it stiII wouIdn't have been reaI ''compatibiIity'' because I hated giving the sex: It hurt, it was a waste of time, everything about it sucked. Even if he'd onIy wanted it once a week and I gave it once a week, I wouIdn't have been happy with that. If one partner has to be miserabIe so the other can be happy (and that incIudes a sexuaI going without sex for an ace partner) then it's not compatibiIity. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 My wife told her mother, not long before our wedding, how we had the best sex she'd ever had. There are various levels on which I can't get my mind round this now. But maybe she was sexuaI with a Iowish drive and reaIIy did feeI that (I've read your other posts about this topic but never got round to repIying - activeIy trying to avoid AVEN but faiIing at present) ..Yes she's said she never feIt that sex was intimate exactIy (or something Iike that) but I wonder if she's just in a way trying to justify how she feeIs now when she says that. It sounds to me Iike her Iibido and drive has just been utterIy and compIeteIy kiIIed (that can happen even to young women in their 20's, after giving birth or if they get badIy iII for a Iong period of time) .. So in effect she's now asexuaI in every sense of the word, but back then when she said that about ''the best sex she's ever had'' she actuaIIy did enjoy it and desire it. Not every sexuaI person see's it as an act of intimacy, but many stiII desire it on some IeveI and activeIy enjoy it when it's happening as a resuIt of having a Iibido. She couId aIso have been Iying to your mother to try to convince herseIf that she Iiked sex with you.. But honestIy think she enjoyed it the way any other Iow drive sexuaI woman might enjoy it. Maybe not enough to activeIy seek it out or even feeI it's that important, but it's pretty amazing regardIess especiaIIy when you're in the throws of new Iove (which can Iast Iike four years) ..It's extremeIy common for women especiaIIy to just compIeteIy not want sex at aII after a certain age and a certain amount of time with a partner, take into account her iIIness and I see her 'asexuaIity' as pretty normaI and understandabIe. Anyway this topic is about the sex therapy, but just thought I'd throw that in their quickIy. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Yeah that's more or less the conclusion I'd come to. Also, it was her mother, not mine. Not that important, except the thought of her saying something like that to my mother is so bad on so many levels. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Yeah that's more or less the conclusion I'd come to. Also, it was her mother, not mine. Not that important, except the thought of her saying something like that to my mother is so bad on so many levels. How did you find out she said that to her mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 She told me. ETA my wife told me. Link to post Share on other sites
Member4445 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 I tried a sexual/asexual relationship once. It didn't work out. Basically, I found it enjoyable in the beginning (Id still prefer to do anything else) but after a few months, it became compromising. But he wanted what he wanted. He said in a healthy relationship, we need to have it at least once a week. But I couldn't do it. It emotionally and mentally hurt me. Then he turned into a psychopath and we're leaving this analogy there. The point is, he might be ok compromising but pushing it will only make it worse. If you can, perhaps tell him that you don't want to discuss it for a bit. The texts and reassurement shows that he's very anxious about it. Then make him come to you with the suggestion of trying again. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 If you can, perhaps tell him that you don't want to discuss it for a bit. The texts and reassurement shows that he's very anxious about it. Then make him come to you with the suggestion of trying again. That sounds manipulative to me. Link to post Share on other sites
indigorose Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 My wife told her mother, not long before our wedding, how we had the best sex she'd ever had. There are various levels on which I can't get my mind round this now. Maybe she really meant it at the time. Is she the type of woman that would strike you that would exaggerate truths to make herself feel better about it all? I don't know...but I am pretty open with my mother and if I had good sex with with my partner I would probably tell her, I just probably wouldn't let my partner know I told her that. I wouldn't tell my mum to show off or to make myself feel at ease. But my mum knows about me maybe thinking I'm asexual, and knows all my concerns about it all. Of course she thinks it's probably because I haven't found the right one, but she also understands my concerns, and just tries to support me as best she can. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 "Maybe she really meant it at the time. Is she the type of woman that would strike you that would exaggerate truths to make herself feel better about it all?" Yeah, easily. My puzzlement was really that I assumed this meant it was the kind of all-in, emotionally overwhelmimg, intimate, bonding, floating off on a cloud, brain melting experience that I'd mean if I said that. However if that would have been a 10 for me, what she was getting was more what I'd call a 5, but still the best she'd had. So going from a 5 to 0 is easier to understand than 10 to 0. Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 It's also possible that she doesn't remember how she felt in the past. @Tele Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.