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Sex-Therapist Will Help?


DatingAnAceGuy

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DatingAnAceGuy

Hi everyone :)

I would love some advice on something....

I've been seeing an asexual man for about three months now and we get along really well. He's a little light on the physical attention, but I can see he's trying and I do enjoy spending time with him.

Yesterday I texted him to give him some positive feedback on some physical attention he gave me on the weekend and when he messaged me back to thank me for the feedback, he said he wasn't sure why I was still with him considering he's so terrible at physical affection...

I attempted to be positive and supportive by saying that I can see he's trying and I know that it's a sign he cares.

He then brought up the fact that at some point just holding hands won't be enough for me anymore and that he'd be willing to try sex; though he's sure it won't work and will just end in embarrassment and hurt feelings. I messaged him back and told him we should discuss this face-to-face later, because I was at work and didn't want a coworker accidentally reading a text to him over my shoulder.

I can see that he really wants to make things work and I do think it is possible to make it work. At some point I wouldn't mind experimenting sexually with him and even trying to work our way towards sex; but with his attitude of "it probably won't work", I can guarantee it won't work. If you go in thinking something won't work and feeling negative about it, it certainly won't work.

I wanted to know if any asexual-sexual couples have attempted sex therapy to help with the sexual part of their relationship and if it would be a feasible option to suggest. I don't want to hurt his feelings by suggesting sex therapy, but at the same time it might be possible for a sex therapist to suggest ways he could "make sex work".

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Please note: I am not pushing him towards sex. I have brought up the fact that with the difference in sex drive we will have to come to some sort of compromise if we want our relationship to work, but not once have I said that the compromise would actually have to involve sex. He's feeling insecure and I plan to talk to him this weekend and try calm some of his concerns and insecurities.

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Hello.

I looked into being a sex therapist once and from what I know about the profession it is a very good thing to suggest for an asexual-sexual couple. AASECT in the US actually mentions asexuality as part of the core knowledge areas. It's a great organization.

Best of luck and you seem like a really awesome partner. Here is the link to AASECT's core knowledge areas (it's in section d) if you are interested and you can show your boyfriend what that section entails so he understands that it isn't to change him.

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His fears are somewhatly common for asexuals. And while i will say that therapy could help his doubts on the matter, it's also important to first know if those doubting reasons are even fixable. For some asexuals there are sex preformance issues due to the absence in desire/sexual attraction. So some may not be able to get aroused (which impairs P&V sex and be a deal breaker), others may not be able to orgasm (which can make a partner want to finnish them but they can't or don't want it and this creates fighting). Sometimes aces don't like using their genitals durring sex but are ok with other types of sex (which again can be a deal breaker for many sexual people; not everyones ok with a dildo P&V/P&A). Others may not like recieving sex but are fine with giving it (again, a common deal breaker).

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Oh, also, how often an asexual can sexually compromise can differ, so perhaps his is low. And some can innitially sexually compromise but come to nolonger tolerate doing so. That also cannot be changed.

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Personally, I've always been creeped out by the idea of sex therapy... and would have steadfastly and ultimatively refused to take part in any. (Despite having been in general psychotherapy before, and still regularly seeing a psychiatrist a few times a year, and socped who used to be a psychotherapist, weekly.) If a partner insisted on taking sex therapy, it would have been grounds for me to tell them to drop the topic, or else they know where the door is. (Thankfully, the partner I was with for over six years never once entertained such a thought; she accepted me the way I was, even though that meant accepting our 'ship won't meet the ideal she was wishing for. She really was - and still is - an extraordinary person whom I have nothing but love and deepest respect for, een though our partner days are gone.)

I'm not trying to be too negative here; it is, of course, perfectly possible that the guy you're seeing is one heck of a lot more open to the idea than I am.

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I think the main idea in sex therapy is to teach/train the partners to have more fulfilling/comfortable sex. If someone is asexual and sex is unpleasant for them, I doubt if sex therapy is going to work. It also puts all the pressure on the asexual, because their discomfort with sex is the reason for going to a sex therapist.

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Oh, another point. Some sexual people may think they're ok with having sex with someone who won't sexually reciprocate, but upon reality they find out they feel otherwise. Others get upset that they're always initiating sex (which an asexual won't do unless you give them your desired schedule or they're very comfortable with venting their desire to masturbate through sex). Some sexual people also think they'll be ok in a sexless relationship and find out they aren't. Perhaps he's experienced that.

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nanogretchen4

You should not continue dating someone with an incompatible sexual orientation based on the belief that the incompatibility can be fixed or is likely to improve. It's only been three months. It sounds like he's telling you compromise probably won't work, and maybe you should believe him. No therapist can change either his sexual orientation or yours, so maybe you should just be friends and you can both keep looking for compatible people to date.

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^ I have to agree, perhaps you're viewing it too much as a fixable issue and not viewing the very possible reality of never having sex with him.

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Others get upset that they're always initiating sex, which an asexual won't do unless you give them your desired schedule or they're very comfortable with venting their desire to masturbate through sex.

Funnily enough, I'm perfectly fine with initiating, maybe even if it'd be as often as once or twice a week. I'd be more comfortable with that than with being "petitioned" for sex.

The problem is far more that the very, very strict limits on what I have to offer in a sexual encounter, regardless of who initiates, (I'm a complete "one-trick-pony"; sex is always 100% the exact one same routine, and alternatives just aren't negotiable) are too cripplingly limited for most sexuals to want to bother with; plus, my complete lack of caring if that means sex is just completely off the table (which I wouldn't have the slightest problem with) can easily make them feel undesirable and rejected.

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^ Yah, I suppose asexuals not being versatile in bed is also a deal breaking point.

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DatingAnAceGuy

To be clear, as stated above: I've never pushed him for sex. I don't expect sex.

He brought up the topic because he's insecure that I'm going to leave him because of our differences.

If he is actually serious about trying sex, I am more than willing to be an active participant; but at the same time if he's already going in with the idea of it not working and that sex will only leading to his own embarrassment and hurt feelings....well if you focus on the thought that it's not going to work; then no, it's not going to work. That's basic psychology.

All I'm trying to do is to think of a way to help him avoid all the negative feelings if he actually wants to try having sex. The choice is really his. I just think that if he's going to try it, it's important not to worry or think about it too much. If you over think sex it rarely does anything.

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DatingAnAceGuy

And though I know a lot of people in this groups feel that sexual differences will end a relationship and that "compromise" is a bad word; all relationships require some compromise and adapting to make things work.

I've seen people have to make compromises to accommodate their differences in sex drive and as long as both people are determined and willing to work together on things they can make it work.

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And though I know a lot of people in this groups feel that sexual differences will end a relationship and that "compromise" is a bad word; all relationships require some compromise and adapting to make things work.

No -- we don't feel that compromise is a bad word. AVEN is full of members who are attempting various types of compromise, both successfully and unsuccessfully. But if the asexual already feels that they will not feel comfortable in a relationship with a sexual with no sex happening, my opinion is that you, the sexual, need to listen to that feeling.

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DatingAnAceGuy

Which is fair!...

What I'm talking about is the response above saying if two people aren't sexually compatible they should give up and find other partners...

In my opinion it seems a little too negative.....

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No, that's not what they meant by incomparability. Incompatability and having differing orientations are two different things. A sexually compromising asexual and a sexual person can be compatible. They meant if one is unwilling to have sex and the other needs sex then it needs to end. Compromise is not frowned upon at all here.

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Which is fair!...

What I'm talking about is the response above saying if two people aren't sexually compatible they should give up and find other partners...

In my opinion it seems a little too negative.....

There are different degrees of (in)compatibility. And even more importantly, it depends on the partners in question how much weight they put on the question of sexual compatibility in their 'ship, in the first place.

R. and I were completely sexually incompatible... we still were happy for a bit over six years (in the last two months or so at the end, though, unhappiness/frustration did creep up on her, leading to us breaking up). A lot of folks would have been deeply frustrated and unhappy all throughout the relationship, even with a compatibility level considerably higher than the one we had, but still not quite "level".

For the latter kind of people - yes, my advice would be to just break up already and put each other out of the misery of a 'ship that just won't go anywhere. It just about guaranteed that it won't ever get substantially better/"good enough". And there's nothing at all wrong about needing a high level of sexual compatibility, nor with breaking up if that need remains unmet. The only thing I could see as wrong is staying in such a hopeless relationship and fruitlessly badgering each other when there is no realistic chance of it improving, instead of just doing the sensible thing of calling it quits and looking for a better match.

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Telecaster68
A sexually compromising asexual and a sexual person can be compatible.

In terms of doing the act, or frequency, yes. In terms of the sexual's need to feel desire, they can't. That part depends on the sexual's willingness to forgo being desired because of the other good things about the relationship, just as frequency depends on the asexuals willingness to put up with sex because of the other good things about the relationship.

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What Tele just wrote.

In theory I could compromise on doing or not the act, initiating once in a blue moon or never, and having sex once or twice or whatever a month or so.

What I can't compromise on is desire for sexual intimacy because I don't experience it.

I also think that's important for both of you to know and understand that if he is asexual, like me, having sex with you would be just like putting out the garbage because you asked him to put out the garbage outside, nothing more or else.

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Which is fair!...

What I'm talking about is the response above saying if two people aren't sexually compatible they should give up and find other partners...

In my opinion it seems a little too negative.....

It's not really negative. If, after you try to compromise and it's not working due to compatibility issues, it's perfectly fine to find other partners. And preferable, in some cases. No one should feel ashamed to admit an incompatibility is too much to overcome, if it is.

I compromised with my sexual partner quite a lot. We had sex 3-6 times per week. But, it was never fulfilling sex for him. Having sex without sexual desire coming from your partner just isn't the same as two sexuals compromising on mixed libidos. I was laying there bored out of my skull, counting the minutes, running song lyrics through my head and if I had been able to express my feelings to him without offending him, they would have been "Are you done yet? Can we go do something else now?" - That is not what he wanted, he wanted a partner that could moan, groan, get into it and be enthusiastically in favor of sex. So, despite me giving him sex, the incompatibility between us sexually was enormous. Even though he enjoyed it and taught me how he liked things and I did what he liked and he even said I was very good at it. I just couldn't give him that desire component.

Eventually, that amount of sex became too much for me. And he was never sexually satisfied anyway. We're not together any longer. We still talk and play video games, but there was just no point in making us both miserable trying more.

However, we don't dismiss compromise. And we don't think it's impossible. And if compromise works out in a mixed relationship - awesome! We'll offer advice on how. It really is up to the two people in the relationship and how they feel about it and what works for them. So a lot of the advice will be just talking.

As for a sex therapist... it depends. Find one that accepts asexuality is a real thing, or you run the risk of the therapist just focusing on "fixing" your partner and that won't help at all. We've had users go to a therapist with their partner, for the therapist just to tell them to "have sex frequently anyway" and "watch porn to get turned on", not very helpful. But, they might help you discuss how you each feel about sex and figure out if a compromise is possible or not, if you find a more accepting one.

Personally, I can understand him feeling insecure. If my partner told me eventually we'll have to work out a compromise, I would be freaking out after experiencing compromising sexually with other partners. Compromise is stressful and impossible to tell if you can make it work. Worrying about my partner's sexual needs was a major source of anxiety for me.

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Personally, I've always been creeped out by the idea of sex therapy... and would have steadfastly and ultimatively refused to take part in any. (Despite having been in general psychotherapy before, and still regularly seeing a psychiatrist a few times a year, and socped who used to be a psychotherapist, weekly.) If a partner insisted on taking sex therapy, it would have been grounds for me to tell them to drop the topic, or else they know where the door is. (Thankfully, the partner I was with for over six years never once entertained such a thought; she accepted me the way I was, even though that meant accepting our 'ship won't meet the ideal she was wishing for. She really was - and still is - an extraordinary person whom I have nothing but love and deepest respect for, een though our partner days are gone.)

I'm not trying to be too negative here; it is, of course, perfectly possible that the guy you're seeing is one heck of a lot more open to the idea than I am.

I understand why you are creeped out by the idea and I think part of the issue is the name. From what I understand (and why I am interested in the field) it is more about relationships (not just sexual ones but ones that are more...well not familial or purely platonic in nature. I could easily think of a few reasons a celibate asexual couple would want to see a sex therapist from reasons ranging from gender issues to just wanting to talk about relationship issues with somebody who doesn't automatically assume that the issue stems from lack of sexual activity when they are both clearly happy with that part of the relationship) than about sex. In the future, if a partner were to ask for it, I would suggest googling what sex therapists do in your area and what it would probably entail before telling them where the door is. I'm not saying you should go or anything, just make sure that you aren't losing a valuable resource that could be useful because of preconceived notions of what will happen.

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nanogretchen4

My opinion is that if two people have incompatible sexual orientations, a priori they probably should not date. Are there individual exceptions? Sure, a few, but it's a good general rule of thumb. I would not advise a heterosexual woman to look for a boyfriend in a gay bar, for example. If she met a guy in a neutral location and after they had been dating for a few weeks he revealed that he was gay, I would console her for the wasted time and wish her better luck next time. I would not advise her to keep dating him and assure her that everything will probably work out fine, maybe try a sex therapist.

If my friend had already been married to this man for ten years when he came out, and they both really wanted to make the relationship work, I would give her a different type of advice. Most of the compromises people try in a situation like that are far from ideal and it is by no means certain that the relationship can or should be saved, but when you have that much invested it's worth a serious effort. Seeing a sex therapist is the sort of thing people try when they have a serious problem in a committed longterm relationship.

Only you can say whether after three months your relationship should be treated more like a marriage, or more like getting to know each other better before deciding whether to make such a serious commitment.

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He's already said that what's going to happen is that you'll get frustrated, want sex, you'll try it, it won't work, and things will go downhill. It's very likely he's had this experience before.

I'm one of those dolts who tried "working on it" from month 2 on. I do not recommend this approach. You know what happens? "Working on it" becomes your relationship. The working on it replaces the actual sex, intimacy-wise, and it becomes expected. Do you think that after 2 years of working on it, you'll be fine saying "meh, I'm done now"? I can tell you from experience it's much, much harder than you think it will be. After years of it, you become conditioned to it, you feel obligated to it, you both feel entitled to each others' compromise... it's not great.

It's been 3 months. You're still casual dating. He's telling you that it's only going to get harder and that he won't be able to give you what you want. Listen to the man... he knows what he's talking about. The fact that you want him to change is the #1 reason why this should end... if you're dating someone for 3 months and want to go to couples counseling (which is what sex therapy is), probably you should just break up.

On a final note, I'm with Gretch and I keep saying over and over... asexuality IS an orientation, and since it's an orientation, people with that orientation should probably try to date within it, not outside of it. I actually have seen a straight woman and gay man fall in love... twice, actually... and both times, not shockingly, it dragged on for years while they both felt miserable, trapped, and confused, until finally someone fell in love with an orientation-matching mate and left. From what I've seen on SPFA, that pattern seems to hold true for many sexual/asexual matches as well.

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Telecaster68

OP - how are you with, as a best case, everything around sex being a constant source of tension for the rest of your life? Because that's where you're heading, if no sex ever again isn't something you'd welcome with open arms.

I'm in Nano's 'partner discovered/became asexual after 10 years' category. Think of him as a kind of crypto Gay Best Friend and save both of you years of pain.

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OP - how are you with, as a best case, everything around sex being a constant source of tension for the rest of your life?

We don't really talk about this in SPFA, but... I can't be the only one who experiences tension even when sex scenes in movies come on, certain songs, when other people talk about sex, etc. My partner is very, very sex positive, so it's not an issue with sex generally, but because of our issues, the topic has become charged.

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Telecaster68

You're not the only one. It's worse when she actively gives the impression to others in conversation that all's well too.

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You're not the only one. It's worse when she actively gives the impression to others in conversation that all's well too.

I used to get irritated by that, but now she's gotten very open about the asexuality thing, which is good, but I feel like she mentions it at weird times... in front of both of our parents (separate incidents) she said that we need to work on our sexual compatibility and I was like "duuuude, they so don't need to know that."

EDIT: Just occurred to me that she probably assumes I've already discussed it with my mom. I have not.

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