Jump to content

Erotica?


Fuzzrules

Recommended Posts

I just "came out" to my sexual boyfriend a few days ago before he left town for work. He's not one to launch into a lot of talk without plenty of time to think on things, so actually, this was a good time. Anyhoo, since he's been gone, I 've been spending time on this site, partly to try to see how other sexual/asexual relationships work. My question is a serious one as I simply don't know....So, in such a "mixed" relationship, is one possible "compromise" one where the sexual partner can "freely" enjoy erotica/porn? (A little fuzzy on the definitions, but I think you know what I mean). I used to be so angry when I even thought about that stuff existing, but now I see that's b/c I felt I was in competition with all that. Now I feel more like "well, OK, whatever". I realize from the (wonderfully open) sexuals on this board that the problem is wanting to have sex with the one they love, not just necessarily just having sex. Has anyone tried this and has it worked for them? Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a sexual male, and I'm only just getting into a relationship with an "a", so I can't speak about that side of things. I will say that from my point of view, allowing masturbation/porn would at least help things for the sexual, especially if they have a high sexual drive. It's not emotionally fulfilling, but it does alleviate some of the tension. Letting your partner beat the meat every once in a while is an inferior substitute, but it can work. Sexuals very often associate sex with emotional intimacy, and can irrationally feel that if you don't make the effort then you don't really care about them, even if they know intellectually that you do. Yeah, we're a messed-up bunch sometimes.

As a sexual myself, I would very much want to see my partner at least try to accomodate my needs, and experiment to find things that are mutually rewarding, or at least mutually acceptable, and then let my partner decide how often they're willing to do those things (with the good ol' left hand filling in the gaps as needed). But if nothing worked out and no accomodation is possible, a devoted sexual should be willing to accept that.

Basically what I'm saying is that you can't expect a high-drive sexual to forgo release for an indefinite period of time. And it'd be nice if they didn't have to turn to other sources of stimulation all the time. But what you've said is a possible compromise, and can work, depending on the people involved.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Desert_Rose

I dont know... I am sexual and against porn and erotica for its addictive quality.... but, then again I never really thought of what it would be like to be in a relationship with an asexual. I suppose a sexual in a relationship with an asexual would need something to "satisfy" their sexual hunger, and their partner being asexual likey couldnt give them that..... I dont know, its a hard question. :S

Link to post
Share on other sites

My problem with porn is that it objectifies people, particularly women. That and I just think its gross. I personally would have a problem with a partner looking at porn. Guess it didnt matter since my lovely ex wasn't really into it anyway. Course, women do tend to not be as interested in porn as men, in general.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I think that porn is gratuitous/pointless/gross. However, most of my male friends are fairly open about their use of it. (And even I have to admit that the Avenue Q song, "The Internet is for Porn!" is kinda funny.)

I guess I tend to take it for granted that guys (and some girls) my age look at porn. Though I don't approve of the way most porn objectifies/treats women, condoning your partner's use of the stuff could be a possible way for him to displace some of those lustful thoughts from you, and onto something else (in this case, erotica). As long as this results in a separation of lust and love, and doesn't interfere with your emotional relationship, it seems reasonable enough. Most guys are smart enough to differentiate between a totally superficial fantasy and the irreplaceable connection that two people can share.

Mind, I don't know if officially okaying his use of pornography will completely alleviate the "libido gap," but it's a start.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

We haven't defined porn yet. I don't mind what women are dreaming about.

I'd call it good manners to arange some hours of privacy in single room flats or tents, to allow the partner not to mention what you yourself are consuming.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There surely is no general definition of what is acceptable in terms of a compromise in relationships where one partner has a sexual appetite which his or her partner cannot satisfy. It's all down to those individuals concerned to decide what feels right for them.

There are a number of folks who even allow their partner to engage in sexual activity with another person outside of the relationship so long as there is no emotional connection. This really sounds bizzare to me - I couldn't bare the thought of it! But there has been discussion of this on AVEN before from those who have done or seek it.

I understand some peoples objection to porn in general and I can see why some partners would disapprove of their partner using it. But if they have a sexual need which must be satisfied, I'd much rather they engage in sex with themselves and a printed publication rather than another person!

Dave

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

That if you don't meet the needs of a person,sooner or later they will have to be met, otherwhere.

Just don't get all upset when it happens-if you were the main party to not allowing those needs to be met.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I never had any problem with porn and stuff like that, hell I worked in an adult shop that sold the stuff, if it's what a person is into thats fine I just don't get anything from it myself. One thing though I've been wondering about ( I'm new here and didn't even know what asexual was before) I do get turned on by sadomasochism and enjoy it quite a bit but it still dosen't make me want to have sex, is that still classed as asexual?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I never had any problem with porn and stuff like that, hell I worked in an adult shop that sold the stuff, if it's what a person is into thats fine I just don't get anything from it myself. One thing though I've been wondering about ( I'm new here and didn't even know what asexual was before) I do get turned on by sadomasochism and enjoy it quite a bit but it still dosen't make me want to have sex, is that still classed as asexual?

I would think so. You're not the first s&m-ing asexual to come through here, and you likely won't be the last either. I see no reason why you couldn't use that label.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd be very careful in making suggestions of what your partner could do.

Not only that for many porn is no replacement for sex with the loved one, but also because if you refuse sex altogether, that means sexual rejection (at least from the sexual side that's what it is). I would find it a mixture of for one, more rejection if you offered me to satisfy myself in other ways and second, if you'd reject me sexually, why would you want to control my sexlife without you (porn, masturbation, even another sex partner), wouldn't that be rather ridiculous? I'd assume your say ends where the "mutual path" ends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
I'd be very careful in making suggestions of what your partner could do.

Not only that for many porn is no replacement for sex with the loved one, but also because if you refuse sex altogether, that means sexual rejection (at least from the sexual side that's what it is). I would find it a mixture of for one, more rejection if you offered me to satisfy myself in other ways and second, if you'd reject me sexually, why would you want to control my sexlife without you (porn, masturbation, even another sex partner), wouldn't that be rather ridiculous? I'd assume your say ends where the "mutual path" ends.

I agree here. But then again, I would myself avoid any relationship besides friendship with an asexual man. That's the point - when you say "why would you want to control my sex life [that occurs] without you?" That's really the question, isn't it?

Which makes me wonder how "mutual" a relationship like that can really be.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

I'm in a relationship with an "a", and sex was never as frequent as I'd have liked, so porn was my outlet. No, it's not a substitute for sexual play with my beloved, but it seemed to me a respectful way to give her her space without exploding into a thousand gooey bits.

My wife never saw it that way, she's always hated me looking at porn. It's been a big sore spot in our marriage, since the beginning. My attitude is similar to Mara's: her say stops where "mutual" stops. I will do what I feel I have to do to remain sane, for as long as her need for space keeps us apart sexually.

On a social note, no, I don't approve of the objectification of women. I wish porn wasn't so stupid, sometimes brutal and simpleminded. It's hard to find truly sexy porn. I wish it wasn't so. My wife's got to trust that I sift through as much of the junk as I can, and look for something that approaches erotic art (which I have no social opposition to at all).

Chiaroscuro

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...