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Serran

What does your compromise look like? TMI warning

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

A fair, working, equitable compromise means neither side is fully getting what they want, but all sides get a big enough part of what they want to at least be able to fully live in peace with it.

Anything less than that is a foul compromise at best, and oppression at worst.

I agree with what you said about how a healthy compromise should look.. but if the asexual can't have sex due to the discomfort it causes them or whatever, and forces themselves miserably to allow it once every few months.. then the sexual person isn't getting a ''big enough part of what they want'' (regular sex) and the asexual isn't getting what they want (no sex ever) ..but that's not a foul compromise or oppression.. it's just two people who love each other stuck in a god-awful situation that's making them both deeply unhappy and it's no one's fault. No one is oppressing anyone else. They just love each other and can't help that they have massive sexual disparity. They may both know they'd be better off apart.. but sometimes it's just not that easy to part ways.

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Mysticus Insanus

A fair, working, equitable compromise means neither side is fully getting what they want, but all sides get a big enough part of what they want to at least be able to fully live in peace with it.

Anything less than that is a foul compromise at best, and oppression at worst.

I agree with what you said about how a healthy compromise should look.. but if the asexual can't have sex due to the discomfort it causes them or whatever, and forces themselves miserably to allow it once every few months.. then the sexual person isn't getting a ''big enough part of what they want'' (regular sex) and the asexual isn't getting what they want (no sex ever) ..but that's not a foul compromise or oppression.. it's just two people who love each other stuck in a god-awful situation that's making them both deeply unhappy and it's no one's fault. No one is oppressing anyone else. They just love each other and can't help that they have massive sexual disparity. They may both know they'd be better off apart.. but sometimes it's just not that easy to part ways.

You just described a situation that I would certainly call a foul compromise. (I do agree that this is not a case of oppression, though.)

A better compromise would probably be just breaking up - not quite what either of the partners want, but a decisive end to the pain and frustration, which they will both profit from. (And yes - if the breakup can be handled honestly and amicably, I would indeed call that a form of compromise.)

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

If breaking up was that easy we wouldn't have so many unhappy sexuals and asexuals in mixed relationships here :p ..Breaking up can be harder than living with the pain of sexual disparity for many couples.

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Mysticus Insanus

None said compromise was easy. If it were, this subforum would be gaping empty... 95%+ of the threads in SFPA would never have been made. ;)

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Tarfeather

To me, the issue isn't the difficulty of breaking up, it's the difficulty of finding a sexual partner who actually desires me. *awfully hideous*

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Mysticus Insanus

Dude. I've seen a picture of you a few years ago, remember? You are not hideous. I'd rate you as average to slightly-above-average looking, and you know I'm not even into guys, so I have absolutely jack squat to gain from flatteringly lying to you about this.

And if anything, guys tend to get more physically attractive with age (at least for the first half of their post-puberty life), not less... so unless you're telling me you have had a terrible accident involving fire or acid or some such, I just don't belive this "hideous" myth you tell yourself. Honestly.

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Nidwin

My compromise looks like zero dot zero when it's about being sexually intimate. I don't see the point in compromising as it won't make anyone happy in the first place.

As for two aces having sex because it's fun, sorry but that's clearly not my case so by this definition I'm not ace but a natural no-fuck-guy.

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OutsideObserver

My compromise looks like zero dot zero when it's about being sexually intimate. I don't see the point in compromising as it won't make anyone happy in the first place.

As for two aces having sex because it's fun, sorry but that's clearly not my case so by this definition I'm not ace but a natural no-fuck-guy.

Are you in a relationship with someone who is accepting of that compromise?

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Telecaster68

"My compromise looks like zero dot zero when it's about being sexually intimate. I don't see the point in compromising as it won't make anyone happy in the first place."

* adds 'compromise' to list of definitions actively under review on AVEN *

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Mysticus Insanus

Tele, I think that despite your own frequent use of sarcasm, you just managed to miss it when used by another person. ;) :p

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Tarfeather

Tele, I think that despite your own frequent use of sarcasm, you just managed to miss it when used by another person. ;) :P

It might've been double-sarcasm and you missed it. Or maybe what you did was triple-sarcasm and I missed it.

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Mysticus Insanus

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Tarfeather

I didn't realize Star Trek could be so deep. :-)

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Telecaster68

Like I'd miss sarcasm....

Normally sarcasm has a point beyond the obvious meaning though.

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Mysticus Insanus

I'd reckon the point expressed by the use of sarcasm was "I don't compromise, and I damn well think I shouldn't be expected to".

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Homer

Next, as for "compromise". We did have a lot of discussions about that subject, but the purpose wasn't so much to "negotiate" a compromise. Personally, I think negotiating such a thing shouldn't be done. Everything the two people in the relationship do should come organically and out of their own free will, with no "agreements" that must be upheld. (Note that this is just my opinion and I take no issue with couples who do this differently)

That's how I would imagine it to be for every relationship.

People might find themselves to be comfortable doing things with a new partner which they haven't tried before. They might find themselves less appealed by [insert activity of own choice] with their partner than they've been in previous relationships. You can't know that in advance so there's no real way to "negotiate" that like you would negotiate a contract.

At the end of the day, it's about trust and honesty/feedback. And maybe you have to prepare for "I know I used to enjoy this [activity of own choice], but... this doesn't work. Let's try something else." which might very well hurt.

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Telecaster68
I'd reckon the point expressed by the use of sarcasm was "I don't compromise, and I damn well think I shouldn't be expected to".

Maybe. As long as Nid's cool with the reaction from a sexual partner being 'me neither, kthxbi', that's fine.

You can't know that in advance so there's no real way to "negotiate" that like you would negotiate a contract.

It's kind of on going negotiation.

I prefer implicit understanding too, but it can easily be catastrophic in a relationship, and especially a mixed relationship. Apart from consent issues, people are more likely to stick to commitments they've made out loud (like 'I won't bug you for sex'), and verbally explaining feelings means it's less likely anyone's operating on the basis of wrong assumptions. A lot of asexual posters on here seem far keener on having things spelled out explicitly as they're a bit at sea with the kind of assumptions sexuals take as implicit, such as 'sex is part of a relationship', 'this is what sex means', 'this means I want sex', etc.

Case in point: for years, my version of the my marriage was my wife was implicitly rejecting me because she brushed off my sexual advances. When we finally talked about it, she'd apparently not noticed the advances (I still don't entirely buy that, but... whatever...) so she wasn't in her head brushing me off; she'd assumed because there'd been no sexual advances I was as uninterested in sex as she is; she wasn't rejecting me, she was rejecting sex.

Having got that in the open, the way forward has to be discussed, and by its nature it will be negotiation. What's she okay with? What am I okay with? How can we be clearer with each other? How do we put that into action?

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Mysticus Insanus

I'd reckon the point expressed by the use of sarcasm was "I don't compromise, and I damn well think I shouldn't be expected to".

Maybe. As long as Nid's cool with the reaction from a sexual partner being 'me neither, kthxbi', that's fine.

I can't speak for Nid, but I - as someone who isn't barred to all sexual compromise, but open to exceedingly little options, and gives a hard no to anything beyond them, fullstop ("one trick pony", remember?) - could and would be 100% supportive and respectful of that decision, if and when a sexual replies that way to me. :)

Choosing not to be someone's partner is always valid. No exceptions. Certainly no exception for "our degree of sexual compatibility is woefully small, smaller than I can or want to live with in a partnership" - that's more than ample reason to break up/choose not to date, in the first place.

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MrDane

So to sexuals: 1.How did you initiate compromise discussions? 2.What ended up working for you and your partner? 3.Are you happy with your arrangement?

1. It has always been my initiative, both the sex and the sex talk! Its like: "look, we need to talk! I love you, but im so frustrated about the sex." I think she recently came to terms with the fact, that it wasnt about all the other things (stress, job, kids, weight issues, tired...) and me too!

It was just about, not really desiring sex, but being ok with occasional sex. The compromise was a question of how much would be to much. "So, if once a week is to much, then lets try once every fourteen days. We can try for a while, and then evaluate. I could easily do it every day, but i guess my best would be about every second day. You can, as always, decline or postpone if it fits you better an other day, than scheduled. If certain activities are less ok, then please tell me. If I can, then i prefer the whole deal with moans groans, kisses, hugs, bites,...but a kind and swift hand massage is fine!"

2.It works for us, but i will say, that i constantly worry, that we havent quite settled. What if this was just the tip of the iceberg? First she said: it just doesnt pop up in my head that often!

Then: it never pops up and never has and never will!

Then: it just isnt that important to me, but it is nice

Next time? It is nice, but not all of it

Next next time? I dont like it, but i accept it for your sake

3. Im so lucky to be sharing my life/family with her. The sexual/asexual issue is like accepting to be struck by a depression once in a while. No, im not happy about the arrangement, but being without her is worse!

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Nidwin

No issues on my part, no worries.

I also dind't expect less from Tele ;)

@OutsideObserver

Nope, and as long as I don't run into a "compatible" non-sexual woman a relation is out of the question from my side.

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thatoneowl

My boyfriend isn't asexual but he does have a significantly lower sex drive than me sooo...

How did you initiate compromise discussions? What ended up working for you and your partner? Are you happy with your arrangement?

Because we're in a long distance relationship everything we do is on skype atm. My partner and I have come to a simple agreement that if one of us is in the mood we'll tell the other (in a more flirty way than this obviously) and if the other wants to we go at it. But lets say one wants to and the other doesn't, in those cases sometimes the one that doesn't will help the other get off without having to get off themselves. And sometimes if the other doesn't want to at all period, then we won't do anything and just go about talking about Pokemon or something.

It all greatly depends on how my boyfriend is usually feeling that day. But we do have an agreement that even if he doesn't want to help or be involved, I'm perfectly allowed to get off while we're still chatting normally if I want to. I still always ask him beforehand in case it might make him uncomfortable because thats the last thing I want. Same goes for him (which he's not into and never does it but still), if he wants to get off and I don't want to be involved, he can get off while we're talking at any time.

I'm very happy with our arrangement right now. It works for both of us in any situation and it taught me that I have a thing for masturbating in front of my partner while he's doing normal stuff. Its just kinda naughty XD

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thesexualgirlfriend

My boyfriend isn't asexual but he does have a significantly lower sex drive than me sooo...

How did you initiate compromise discussions? What ended up working for you and your partner? Are you happy with your arrangement?

Because we're in a long distance relationship everything we do is on skype atm. My partner and I have come to a simple agreement that if one of us is in the mood we'll tell the other (in a more flirty way than this obviously) and if the other wants to we go at it. But lets say one wants to and the other doesn't, in those cases sometimes the one that doesn't will help the other get off without having to get off themselves. And sometimes if the other doesn't want to at all period, then we won't do anything and just go about talking about Pokemon or something.

It all greatly depends on how my boyfriend is usually feeling that day. But we do have an agreement that even if he doesn't want to help or be involved, I'm perfectly allowed to get off while we're still chatting normally if I want to. I still always ask him beforehand in case it might make him uncomfortable because thats the last thing I want. Same goes for him (which he's not into and never does it but still), if he wants to get off and I don't want to be involved, he can get off while we're talking at any time.

I'm very happy with our arrangement right now. It works for both of us in any situation and it taught me that I have a thing for masturbating in front of my partner while he's doing normal stuff. Its just kinda naughty XD

I'm totally in a similar situation! I'm currently in a ldr with my boyfriend as well and skype is our main source of communication. We have a similar compromise; i'm sexual, he's asexual. I also do that thing where if I wanna get off, i'll ask him first because i'm always worried i'll make him uncomfortable (even though he always says "go ahead"). Although he's usually doing other stuff while I'm doing it (sometimes he watches/ he doesn't care about joining me which is fine), I get a kick out it too. ^_^

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underlife

My partner and I's arrangement is a work in progress, but something like this can't really ever be 'settled', I don't think.

I'm sexual and have a fairly high libido, she's asexual in that she doesn't experience attraction, but isn't without the ability to experience physical pleasure through sexual activity.

Our current compromise is a scheduled day, agreed on weeks ahead. We're testing out having it repeat on a regular schedule, currently monthly, to take the pressure off either of us (by which I mean me) initiating the discussion each time. So far, so good, we'll see how we go.

PIV isn't really on the cards yet (medical issues she's had no real drive to address, but possibly trying for kids in a few years is changing her mind), so the sex tends to revolve around us taking turns giving manual/oral/toy assisted pleasure. On a personal note, it's some of the most fulfilling sex I've ever had, since it's not about fucking, per se, but interacting with each other sexually... not sure if that makes sense... But, in essence, when we start out, she sets out what we can/can't do for that session and we go from there. We have fun, we cum, we go to sleep (the sessions are usually the last thing we do in the day).

As for how we initiated discussions, she identified as Asexual not long after we started dating and I offered her the option of us being celibate while she explored the idea/figured out what she wanted. It took a while, but eventually she grew comfortable in her identity as an Asexual woman and we eased back into having sexual contact, making sure not to overwhelm what she was willing to do. We've had to have a few 'look, what we've been doing to figure out when we have sex isn't working for me' discussions, but I've just... said it... she's cool about it, she gets that I have needs as well, and we both understand that neither of us wants to be caught, or see the other caught, in a relationship that makes them miserable.

As for being happy, I definitely am. That's not to say I'm not occasionally incredibly frustrated, but that's just life, not some indictment of our relationship. I fully intend to marry/raise a family with/grow old with this woman, so... yea, it's working for us :)

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Guest 00--00

I encourage those who are into alternatives to look into OMing. (short for orgasmic meditation)

Its a technique thats one sided, that helps your partner but the giver can focus on it being a technique, or even an anatomical experiment.

Its helped me in the past with former partners.

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Green Girl

forget it

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