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Coming out ace as a teacher


runner1399

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runner1399

Hi all! I've got a bit of a conundrum that I'd like to put out there and see how other people feel.

I'm a cisgender asexual/(mostly)heteroromantic woman, and I'm about to start my first year of teaching. I'm going to be a 2nd grade teacher. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should come out to my students.

I've got two conflicting sides of this debate going on in my head:

1) For me, talking about asexuality typically comes with the assumption that the person I'm talking to knows what sex is. Since I'll be teaching 2nd graders, I can't really make that assumption, and I don't think it's my place to tell them about it anyways. Maybe when they get to be 5th or 6th graders and have to start taking health classes, but not right now. Since I am not aromantic, there is a decent chance I could start dating someone while I'm teaching, and I wouldn't want to lie to my students and just say "I don't like boys or girls," because that's not entirely true-I just don't want to sleep with anyone. I want to be my authentic self in the classroom, but I'm not entirely sure what I can say that's on a 2nd grader's level. However...

2) I did not know what asexuality was until I was 18, and it took about 2 years after that for me to realize that I do, in fact, identify with it. I don't want my kiddos to go through the same frustration of not having a way to label their feelings and their sexuality. I feel like it's easier to explain gay/lesbian/bisexual orientations to children (and I also remember learning what "gay" means in about 2nd grade) because you can simply say "I'm a girl who likes other girls" or "I like both boys and girls" and leave it at that.

In short, I want to come out and increase visibility for asexuality, but at the age that I'm teaching, I'm not really sure how/if I can do it.

Do you have any thoughts on this, or are you also an ace elementary school teacher? I'd love to get some other feedback on my situation.

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I wouldn't do it, just because of the damage it could inflict on your parent-teacher relationships. Parents don't want their 2nd graders being taught about sexuality, in my experience. If they were older, OK. But, 2nd grade is too young for such a complex topic as "I like boys/girls, but not in a sexual way"... as you say, a lot of them don't even know what a sexual way would mean.

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I agree, I think it is a little too soon to talk about that... but you could maybe explain to them that it's okay to not like anybody or have crushes (this could lay the foundation for understanding asexuality later plus it could help out aro kids).

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Frigid Pink

I agree with the previous posters. I don't recall any of my teachers ever discussing their sexuality with me or our class as a whole. I don't really think that's appropriate. Sexuality, in general, was discussed at different times (never in 2nd grade), however, again, the teachers didn't talk about their own sexualities and talked about sexuality, in general. I definitely think it's great to tell people (of any age!) that it's okay to not desire sex with others or even desire a romantic relationship or "dates" with others.

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Fire Monkey

No. Just don't. It is absolutely immaterial to your job and no one's business. I wouldn't discuss what I had for dinner last night with a class, much less my social life. Absolutely inappropriate, especially for seven year olds.

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touching-not-so-much

I 1000% agree with the other posters, pretty much for all their same reasons. I don't believe a kid can (in an significant way) or should understand any of that yet, and it's also entirely not anyone else's business (especially young kids).

I had no idea this was even ever an issue any teacher would consider something relevant to teaching young kids. I didn't even really start getting crushes or truly becoming interested in girls til I was 13 or so.

I had only jokingly got m mom to tell me about "the birds and bees" a year or so earlier, just because I kept hearing the phase and wondered what it was about. Once she told me, I was like "Huh. Well. That was not as advertised. What am I supposed to do with this crap?" and promptly ignored it.

I honestly was weirded out when I saw a teacher in a grocery store and my mom called her by her name and she said hi to me - I was baffled as to what had happened to reality. Teachers? Doing regular people things? With names? Seeing them outside of class, without assignments? I can't even begin to imagine if I had known something personal about her to boot.

All in all, to ME, it would have been BEYOND hella confusing for me, since I had no clue what "sex" or barely even gender or kissing or anything like that was til my teens. I was also the kind of person that felt all that was highly private (and to some extent still do) and extremely bad form and crude to discuss anyone else's personal life like that. It would have made me extremely uncomfortable (if I understood it at all) and probably would have upset me, as I was probably 12 when a family friend told me about "thigh gaps" and what they supposedly meant, and that was so traumatic to me I complained to my mom and said I didn't want to visit him anymore, and that was the end of him being around me. And even now I would have reacted the same way as a parent.

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I hesitated to say it was completely inappropriate for a teacher to discuss their sexuality because I don't think it would be wrong, for instance, for a lesbian teacher to mention her wife, or something like that. But to actually go in depth about it, or bring it up directly, is highly inappropriate. No matter the age of the students.

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Gentle Giant

I agree with the others that you shouldn't bring it up. You could get into trouble for it.

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Rising Sun

Consider doing this only if you aren't against making children feeling very awkward for the whole year, parents complaining about your telling them totally inappropriate things, and risking getting fired...

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Ignoring how this is a wildly inappropriate topic for second graders, your sexuality means absolutely nothing to students at this age.

I have seen teachers fired, stripped of their certification, and--in one very special circumstance--put under house arrest when they chose to make their sexuality part of the job.

Teaching 101: kids and sex do not mix. If you really want your sexuality to be part of your job choose something other than teaching.

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If you were teaching sex ed class to a bunch of 17 year olds, maybe... but... NOPE !!!

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Salted Karamel

I think the person who said there are other ways in which you can lay the foundation for asexuality awareness in the lives of second graders had the most constructive reply here. It's true that your students at any grade level pretty much never need to know who or if you're dating (nor will they likely care, being 2nd graders, unless you get married and change your name and stick them with a substitute teacher during your honeymoon), but also the idea of 7-year-olds being too young for crushes or to feel the pressure of having to like someone and declare their romantic orientation is naive.

It may be different for boys and girls, as I feel like I hear "I didn't even notice girls until X age" more often than I ever hear "I didn't notice boys until X age." The idea of failing to "notice" an entire half of the population is in fact foreign to me; Girls do not have the luxury of failing to notice boys. Girls are raised from birth with the ever present subtle reminder that they are the gender that are not boys, and what that means for them. Boys are often main characters. Girl main characters have boyfriends. Barbie comes with Ken. Ken is an important status symbol for Barbie, and the girl main characters' boyfriends are important status symbols, and girls understand this. Adults tell girls that they will get married and have kids someday. Adults ask them who they like in school. If they have male friends, adults call them boyfriends. Adults may even speak of their future husbands and what life will be like for them when they grow up in scenarios that inexorably involve marriage to a man. Girls are very aware of boys.

But I think it's something you'd have to look for small opportunities to plant seeds in where they crop up. You can't really be like "Okay kids put your books aside. Today we're going to dismantle the heteronormative patriarchy." But someday some kid in the class might ask you why you're not married or if you have a boyfriend or something else that reflects what they're already internalizing about what "normal people" are like with their romantic relationships, and you might have the chance to open their mind a little without being explicit about what does or does not go on in your bedroom.

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I agree as well, it's not a good idea to talk to second grades about sexuality especially without approval from the school and parents.

On the other hand, it might be possible for you to work with the 5th grade teachers or other teachers for older students (even at the high school level) to be a guest speaker or at least help those teachers mention asexuality and maybe even the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I am sure you will figure something out.

Best of luck,

CateEight

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  • 3 weeks later...
Blue Phoenix Ace

Nope... noooooooo way. No just no.

That being said, if your school has a LGBT club then you could get involved with that. (Or a nearby school)

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EastCoastGirl

I understand why you have conflicting opinions about it, but I would not recommend trying to explain your sexuality/orientation to your 2nd grade students for 2 reasons.

1. Your sex like is no one's business.

2. In my opinion it is inappropriate to bring up the topic of sex to other people's children unless you're teaching sex ed.

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Asexual preschool teacher here. I don't think you should do it. Not only is it irrelevant, but the parents of your students would greatly object. Believe me, it's not worth your career.

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I agree with a lot of the previous replies. I think that 2nd grade would be too young for your students to understand or care, and if it's not relevant to what you're teaching, it could cause a lot of potential problems. I would definitely agree that being encouraging or accepting of kids who don't have crushes could help if you're presented with that oppurtunity, but that's probably all you can really do for now.

If you're really passionate about spreading the word about asexuality, maybe you could talk to some of the health teachers in your school district and see if they are willing to incorporate asexuality into their lessons. I think that hearing it from a health teacher while doing sex ed would be much more valuable.

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  • 2 weeks later...
CantBelieveYou

I am absolutely shocked at this thread. I registered this account to comment.

You are completely naive, and I question your judgment, and I would be scared to have my kids taught by you. To even entertain the notion of "coming out" as asexual to 7 year olds is absolutely insane.

Why would you ever think this is a good, or even plausible, idea?

I seriously question whether you should be teaching, at all.

/disgusted

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I am absolutely shocked at this thread. I registered this account to comment.

You are completely naive, and I question your judgment, and I would be scared to have my kids taught by you. To even entertain the notion of "coming out" as asexual to 7 year olds is absolutely insane.

Why would you ever think this is a good, or even plausible, idea?

I seriously question whether you should be teaching, at all.

/disgusted

There are a lot worse things in the world!

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It is always important to think not about what you want to communicate, but what the received message will be. Communication is about helping another person see your point of view and understand something in the way that you do.

Talking to these kids would likely give you a sense of helping them, but would they be able to receive this message? Would they have a greater understanding of themselves? Would they understand each other better? What would the impact of this action be? For them? Their parents? For you?

Hope some reflection helps you :)

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