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BoyliciousDarian

...Degrees of asexuality? And how to explain sexual need...

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BoyliciousDarian

Okay, so I'm new here... And I'm sorry my first post is a request for advice. But this feels like it's killing me, and if anyone will have the answers, it's you guys.

I don't know if this makes me a selfish prick, or a reasonable kind of guy, so I'll just fire it off and you guys can tell me what you think.

I need to try to understand my boyfriend better, and hopefully, make him understand me a bit better.

Neither of us are asexual, but I've noticed his sex drive seems to be decreasing... rapidly. And compared to how it used to be, the decrease is dramatic. Is it possible he's becoming asexual? I know it's not that he's losing interest in me or our relationship, because everything else seems relatively fine, and when we *do* have sex, it's freaking legendary. It's still every bit as good as it used to be. But the sex is dropping off. And this is giving us problems, and it's extending out into other aspects of our relationship and it seems like every argument now is about sex... How I "always want it" and he "never wants it." That's what it seems like.

This is a huge problem for me. I would describe myself as hypersexual. I love sex. I jerk off like eight or nine times a week. Show me to the boys. Before my boyfriend, I was quite promiscuous. But we are monogamous and I am simply unwilling to cheat on him as a way of solving this problem.

And I love him to death! I am honestly in love with him. We've been together for 14 months, which is a long time for people our age... I am 21, he is 16. That's part of what concerns me. Isn't it a bit unusual for a teen's sex drive to drop off so dramatically in less than six months' time?

We just had a big fight about this tonight. Like we always do. But it's not *exactly* the same fight that I've seen on this forum in reading through past threads. It's not about him not wanting sex... at least, not directly. Let me explain.

I could learn to live with never having sex with him. That's something I'm capable of doing because I love him. I would not, am not, looking for a way to force him to have sex, or guilt him into it, and I don't want him to ever do it for me as a "chore" either, because if he's not into it, that's worse than not doing it at all. The fact is, if he is truly becoming asexual, I will somehow learn to live with that.... But that's not the only problem. It's not *just* that he's not having sex with me as often, he's actually making me feel *guilty* about times when I want it and he doesn't.

His declining sex drive has led to a recurring pattern: On days/nights where I am horny and he is not, he avoids telling me that because he does not want to dissappoint me or upset me... so instead of breaking the news softly, he 'plays along,' leads me on, because he thinks that's what I want. Subsequently, it totally upsets and dissappoints me when we don't have sex after a whole long night of me thinking I'm going to get some. I need him to stop doing that. I need him to clearly say to me as early on as possible that he's not in a sexual mood. That way I can go masturbate, and then come back relaxed and satisfied. Is it fair of me to require that of him?

What bugs me the most is when I subtly let him know I'm in the mood for sex, and he replies with "No, but we can cuddle."

I don't want to cuddle. I want to get off. Then we can cuddle.

He does things all evening long which, to me, read like foreplay and teasing, such as patting my bum... flirting, asking for massages... The same kind of stuff that used to be a prelude to fucking, like 6 months ago.

And then, after doing that to me all night long, he softly leads me to bed by the hand, and has me rub his back for like 20 minutes. And then when I try to move things further, he's not in the mood. He just wants to go to sleep and not have sex.

FUCK!

That's his right. I would never impose myself on someone who didn't want to have sex. He has *every* right not to engage in a sexual act, at his discretion. And I would be only too willing to excuse myself for 20 minutes or so and go masturbate. But if I go masturbate, it offends him. And he makes it akward after, and I get the cold shoulder. But if I *don't* go and masturbate, my blood boils. I sure as all hell don't want to 'cuddle,' because spooning the world's hottest boy, wearing nothing but a pair of printed briefs, is not a very good way to alleviate horniness.

And I can't help that, or explain it to him. He doesn't know what it's like to go without sex, because every time he wants sex, he gets it. But I do know what it feels like, and it hurts. It's a physiological reaction. I can't sit still. If I try to ignore it it just escalates... my erection doesn't go away, and before long my entire body feels like it's on fire. I want to hit furniture/tear clothing/throw things, etc. I want to scream in anger and despair. The fact is, if I am significantly physically aroused and then unable to bring that arousal to its fruition, it literally fills me with an unmanageable fury... for which no words exist that are sufficient to describe it. And no matter how I try to cover it up, he can feel it. Body language, I guess. He knows I'm dissappointed. He knows I'm upset, even angry. And he knows that deep down, part of me resents him. And I get in trouble for that. These situations turn into fights when he says, in a disapproving tone of voice, "Now you're angry because we're not having sex." NO. I'm angry because I don't get to cum.

I don't resent him for not wanting sex. At least, I don't think I do. I really wish he would have sex with me more, but that's not the same thing as resenting. What I do resent, and fully admit to resenting, is that he doesn't respect my need to get off. He needs to learn to let me go off and masturbate. How can I make him see this?

Our culture has turned sex into such a joke that now people who don't fully understand it don't even take it seriously. His response is that "I should get over it," and that "sex isn't everything in a relationship."

He just does not understand.

That's why I came here. I don't want to break up with him, I love him so much, but... This isn't working. Help?

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Eta Carinae

First of all, asexuality is not about sex drive, it's about sexual attraction. Even if your boyfriend only wanted to actually have sex with you twice a year, if he's sexually attracted to you, he's not asexual. (Though he may face some of the same issues asexuals do.)

I do think it's more than fair to ask him to tell you when he's not in the mood for sex. It's not an enormous burden. I would make sure, however, to reassure him that you won't get upset when this happens, and to keep that promise. Probably easier said than done, but his fear is clearly keeping him from speaking up.

(I would also note, however, that if activity X usually doesn't lead to activity Y, you do have some measure of responsibility to recognize this and adjust your expectations accordingly. It's really kind of unfair to put the entirety the blame on the other person, claiming you were a misled innocent victim, when that other person has made it clear that certain things are not necessarily foreplay. This is not to say that you will do that or are doing that, or that he's blameless or off the hook for not telling you even if you are, just that willful ignorance can be its own problem.)

Have you spoken to him about why he doesn't want you masturbating? I know you say it offends him, but has he said what's so offensive about it? I think that's what you need to figure out before you can find a solution. If he feels like you're saying he's not good enough for you, for instance, you should make a point of reassuring him that it's really not about him at all; if he's upset for some other reason, you'll have to address that reason.

Good luck. Frankly, though I could do without the rage, I'd be thrilled to find a partner who would be willing to go off, have a wank and get it out of their system, and then come back.

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MaraKarina

Great sex initially and then an unexplainable behaviour not to have sex, a radically dropping frequency - I've experienced the same with my husband - and it started to "change" also after something like 1 - 1.5 years.

I also know the wish to please me, the little things he did some of which were rather frustrating than useful, and most of it I know the shere helplessness and immense feelings of being hurt somewhere deep, deep inside which I had experienced.

What I read from you may point to your boy-friend being an asexual, but it must not.

If he is one, from my own experience - and sometimes patterns are similar, but must not - you should be prepared that

- the frequency will continue to drop drastically until it is at almost zero or at zero, no matter what you do.

- from what I learnt from this forum, your boy-friend probably experiences this as equally frustrating and does not know what's going on

- he will point out that there's more to a relationship than sex - which I would fully agree with, sex alone wouldn't be enough for most sexuals - and where you could find a basis

- If your boy-friend does things and then suddenly stops (when I didn't immediately understand that mine suddenly felt it was enough, mine would start shouting!), I think that is because he wants to give whatever he can, or even a little more than he can

There are certain effects this has on the sexual partner, and if you know of them, maybe you can avoid them for yourself:

- lack of self-esteem because your man does not desire you (whatever else he does)

- tendency to gain wait

- think that you are not good enough, unattractive etc.

- dressing bad

- depression

- losing one's own personality by trying all sorts of things which may help solve the problem (but will not)

All you could do, if your boy-friends proves to be an asexual, is to accept him the way he is. You won't change him, and if things change it is for sex to become less. Either you can accept this, or you cannot. You can wait some more time to be sure, let your boy-friend see this forum. If he's asexual it's kind of like being with a homesexual - they usually won't change either.

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BoyliciousDarian

He does constantly say things like "I guess I'm not good enough for you," when we're arguing. He takes it personally that I would rather masturbate than go without.

If asexuality isn't the same as sex drive, what would I call it if his sex-drive dissappears completely but he still claims to be physically attracted to me? Is that something that's common? And if that *did* happen, I don't think I would believe him if he said he was still physically attracted to me. How can you be physically attracted to someone and be averse to being intimate with them? This concept is foreign to me, but I have no desire to remain ignorant. Please, teach me.

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BoyliciousDarian
- think that you are not good enough, unattractive etc.

You are absolutely right, it does make me feel this way when he declines sex. But I think I can get over that part if I have to.

You might want to click "edit" and blank the second two copies of your triple post. Or a moderator might want to consider doing it for you. But thank you for your input, it is helping me to see this from other perspectives.

**edit: ah I see someone took care of it. Sweetness.

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MaraKarina
- think that you are not good enough, unattractive etc.

You are absolutely right, it does make me feel this way when he declines sex. But I think I can get over that part if I have to.

Make sure it really doesn't. I've noticed that is something with a hydra head that comes up in different shapes and often unnoticed, and it does none of you any good.

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Jesh

I'm quick on the delete button ;)

My suggestion to you would be to talk to him about this. Perhaps he already knows why he's experiencing decreased sex drive or attraction? Or maybe he doesn't think there's anything wrong. If he does see that there's a problem in your relationship, and he himself is distressed about how he's feeling, it could be something to talk to a doctor about.

You have every right to expect to be able to hear from him when he does and doesn't want sex. But if you don't tell him that you need that, he's going to continue to attempt not to upset you, and ending up doing the opposite.

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Eta Carinae
He does constantly say things like "I guess I'm not good enough for you," when we're arguing. He takes it personally that I would rather masturbate than go without.

Then I would go with reassuring him that it's not about him -- you're not saying he's inadequate, you've just got a physical desire that you want to get fulfilled, in the same way that you might want to eat rather than cuddle if you were very hungry. You might also want to dig around and figure out if there are any other issues driving or contributing to that insecurity of his.

If asexuality isn't the same as sex drive, what would I call it if his sex-drive dissappears completely but he still claims to be physically attracted to me? Is that something that's common? And if that *did* happen, I don't think I would believe him if he said he was still physically attracted to me. How can you be physically attracted to someone and be averse to being intimate with them? This concept is foreign to me, but I have no desire to remain ignorant. Please, teach me.

You'd call him a person with a low (or nonexistent) libido. It happens. I'm assuming that such a person sees people they are attracted to, and feels whatever little twinges they call sexual attraction, but just aren't horny enough for anything resembling actual sexual activity. Sort of like I can look at a cake and think it would be good to eat, I suppose, even if I'm not hungry and not in the mood to eat it right then.

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Derp
I don't want to cuddle. I want to get off. Then we can cuddle.

Hmm.. is this how you phrase it to him as well? See, that could be part of the problem right there...

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BoyliciousDarian
I don't want to cuddle. I want to get off. Then we can cuddle.

Hmm.. is this how you phrase it to him as well? See, that could be part of the problem right there...

I don't say it exactly like that. The problem is I don't say anything at all, and then we fight because he knows that I want the sex I'm not getting.

I used to try saying "Well then I'll go masturbate," but that leads to an even worse fight because he thinks I'm trying to guilt him into doing something.. when really all I want is to get some relief. It is not my intent to make him feel guilty.

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Derp

OK, sorry to jump to conclusions. It's just that the wording throughout your post is rather.. unfortunate. And whether you say it that way to him or not, he may be getting the impression that all you care about is "getting off". I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now and assume you're speaking out of frustration. I will ask, however -- are you more concerned about the physical aspect of sex, or do you see it as a way to bond with him emotionally? 'Cause if it's the latter, you need to tell him that...

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The Evil Cashew

To preserve the topic of this thread, i split off the discussion and moved it to hotbox. http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=14157

Only advice here please.

Please remain respectful. This is a legitimate thread.

~Admin Cashew

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vits3k
If this was a 19 year old and a 23 year old it would be different - if it was a 16 year old and an 18 year old it would be different... but come on, he was FIFTEEN when this 21 year old started something with him.

Between the ages of 15 and 21 people go through all sorts of changes and experimentations - trying to figure out who they are. An intimate sexual relationship with someone that much older who has more experience and harbors much more control and influence over the direction of the younger persons life can hamper or even adversly injure this process.

Just because lawmakers say they aren't going to throw him in jail doesn't make it an equal and healthy relationship.

I agree completely.

BoyliciousDarian, sorry, but I have to concur with Hawke's opinion that you should try to find someone closer to yourself in age.

This is undoubtedly going to sound harsh and judgemental, but it's like kids who prefer playing with children much younger than themselves (nothing to do with sex.) All too often this seems to be about the fact that they can so easily dominate the younger ones.

This is NOT good for the younger children, and can't be very good for the older one either. He/she should be focusing on interacting with his/her own peers.

This is not to say that different age groups have nothing to offer each other -- they most certainly do, and in both directions.

However, IMO such a close and intimate relationship between unequal parties is bound to have overtones of dominance and even coercion.

Finally... I suppose this will be the capper for me being insensitive, but one of the things you seem to be looking for is a way to end up with more sex with this person.

AVEN is about the importance of realizing that life doesn't need to revolve around sex, at least for some of us, and the importance of realizing and respecting that.

If you want someone who is more tuned into sex, I really think you should go looking for another partner, rather than pressuring this person into something they're obviously resisting. That sort of pressure can really damage people at that age... if you really care for him, do you want to take that risk?

"If you love something, let it go..." etc.

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Orbit

Since all of my advice, save what Vits quoted, has been sliced away because I was too strong in my wording I'll say it again.

Anyone over the age of 18 or 19 that is finding they are sexually incompatable with someone 16 years old should find someone their own age.

Instead of trying to figure out how to get your sexual needs met with this guy, let him grow up and into his sexuality (and social identity) at his own pace without the pressure of an older companion's needs.

There's a good reason it's illegal and indeed a felony in some states/countries, and just because one can legally do something doesn't mean it's the best for all parties involved.

hawke

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BoyliciousDarian
Since all of my advice, save what Vits quoted, has been sliced away because I was too strong in my wording I'll say it again.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it, but I choose not to follow it, because I am looking for a solution that allows me to stay with Taka, the boy I love. Your proposed solution is outside the boundaries of the parameters I set in my request.

And as for legality... There are a lot of things that are illegal in your country that shouldn't be. But I don't want to cover that in this thread.

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takaneko

For those of you who have not seen my other post, I shall introduce myself again.

I am Darian's boyfriend, Taka, and in this post I will be addressing Darian's first post.

... I've noticed his sex drive seems to be decreasing... rapidly. And compared to how it used to be, the decrease is dramatic. ...

It has gone up more recently, I'll have you know. My decrease in sex drive is more of a phase that I go through every once in awhile. What you can do when this happens, is make sure that I know it's alright for me to feel that way, then go and masterbate, or something to that effect. This will encourage my sex drive to come back faster. Fighting over it just decreases my libido even more.

...he's actually making me feel *guilty* about times when I want it and he doesn't.

This is not intentional. I am open to changing the way I react.

... On days/nights where I am horny and he is not, he avoids telling me that because he does not want to dissappoint me or upset me... so instead of breaking the news softly, he 'plays along,' leads me on, because he thinks that's what I want. ...

This simply doesn't happen. I am always clear about whether I want sex or not. I can not be held responsible for misinterpretations or misunderstandings.

...if I go masturbate, it offends him. ...

No it doesn't. o.O

This is all I will say for now, as I really should be getting to bed sometime soon.

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BoyliciousDarian

First of all, I know you know this already, but I want to say again... I love you and I would do anything to retain what we have together. Emotionally. My sexual attraction to you is very strong... but it's seperate from my emotional attraction. One doesn't depend on the other, and I want you and everybody else to know that.

... I've noticed his sex drive seems to be decreasing... rapidly. And compared to how it used to be' date=' the decrease is dramatic. ...[/quote']

It has gone up more recently' date=' I'll have you know. My decrease in sex drive is more of a phase that I go through every once in awhile. What you can do when this happens, is make sure that I know it's alright for me to feel that way, then go and masterbate, or something to that effect.[/quote']

.. Okay. That makes sense. I guess that's why it seems random and intermittent...

This will encourage my sex drive to come back faster. Fighting over it just decreases my libido even more.

Whereas it tends to increase my emotional stress level' date=' while doing nothing to reduce my horniness. Interesting...

This is all I will say for now' date=' as I really should be getting to bed sometime soon.[/quote']

I wish I could be there to hold you. See you soon. <3

Love, Darian

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Rabger
This is a huge problem for me. I would describe myself as hypersexual. I love sex. I jerk off like eight or nine times a week. Show me to the boys.

....

What bugs me the most is when I subtly let him know I'm in the mood for sex, and he replies with "No, but we can cuddle."

I don't want to cuddle. I want to get off. Then we can cuddle.

...

And then, after doing that to me all night long, he softly leads me to bed by the hand, and has me rub his back for like 20 minutes. And then when I try to move things further, he's not in the mood. He just wants to go to sleep and not have sex.

...

I sure as all hell don't want to 'cuddle,' because spooning the world's hottest boy, wearing nothing but a pair of printed briefs, is not a very good way to alleviate horniness.

...

The fact is, if I am significantly physically aroused and then unable to bring that arousal to its fruition, it literally fills me with an unmanageable fury... for which no words exist that are sufficient to describe it. And no matter how I try to cover it up, he can feel it. Body language, I guess. He knows I'm dissappointed. He knows I'm upset, even angry. And he knows that deep down, part of me resents him. And I get in trouble for that. These situations turn into fights when he says, in a disapproving tone of voice, "Now you're angry because we're not having sex." NO. I'm angry because I don't get to cum.

...

I really wish he would have sex with me more, but that's not the same thing as resenting.

...

His response is that "I should get over it," and that "sex isn't everything in a relationship."?

Read back through your post. Do you have any idea how selfish, self-centered, and purely sexual based you sound? Yes, your boy friend should let you masturbate. But you DO sound like you resent him. You don't want to cuddle, you want to get off. It's all about the orgasm, not the feeling involved with sex. All physical, no emotional. All horniness, not expression of love. He's right, sex ISN'T everything in a relationship. And if you think it is, maybe you're not ready to have one yet.

Aside from that, I would refuse to suggest to an adult how to get a kid to "put out" more. Kids should not be having sex, especially with an adult. Especially with an adult that puts so much pressure on a kid, who has so much other more important stuff to adjust to (as that's a very tough age). Legal or not, it sounds like statutory rape to me.

I hope for both your sakes that was just pure frusteration, and that you're really not as bad a guy as you made yourself sound. But it does seem rather obvious that you're not really looking out for his best interests so much as your own.

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BoyliciousDarian
Read back through your post. Do you have any idea how selfish, self-centered, and purely sexual based you sound? Yes, your boy friend should let you masturbate. But you DO sound like you resent him. You don't want to cuddle, you want to get off.

I do want to cuddle, just not while I'm physically aroused. It's distracitng and painful.

It's all about the orgasm, not the feeling involved with sex. All physical, no emotional. All horniness, not expression of love.

I didn't talk about emotional expressions of love in my original post because Taka and I don't *have* any problem expressing our emotional involvement. We know where we stand emotionally. The *Only* proble we have is expressing ourselves *physically.* The only problem we have is a physical one, that's why physicality is all that I mentioned in my original post.

He's right, sex ISN'T everything in a relationship. And if you think it is, maybe you're not ready to have one yet.

Actually, I think if you'll backtrack and read through our earlier posts, you'll find that *I* was the one who said that, not Taka. But he agrees with me.

Aside from that, I would refuse to suggest to an adult how to get a kid to "put out" more. Kids should not be having sex, especially with an adult. Especially with an adult that puts so much pressure on a kid, who has so much other more important stuff to adjust to (as that's a very tough age). Legal or not, it sounds like statutory rape to me.

I fully respect that you feel that way (although I would invite you to look up "statuatory" in the dictionary, and compare it with the definition of "legal"). With the understanding that I respect your opinion, though, I would ask that you not post to this thread again, as you've made your point and now all I want is more advice. Andfor the record, I don't want advice on how to get him to "put out more," I'm looking for advice on how *I* should deal with him *not putting out more.* Two different things.

I hope for both your sakes that was just pure frusteration, and that you're really not as bad a guy as you made yourself sound. But it does seem rather obvious that you're not really looking out for his best interests so much as your own.

I'm looking out for what is best for our relationship. In doing so I must attend to both his needs as well as my own. I love him.

-Darian

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Rabger
I didn't talk about emotional expressions of love in my original post because Taka and I don't *have* any problem expressing our emotional involvement. We know where we stand emotionally. The *Only* proble we have is expressing ourselves *physically.* The only problem we have is a physical one, that's why physicality is all that I mentioned in my original post.

You want advice? Try this. Maybe the problem (or at least one of them) is that you are seeing the sex as just physical. Even in what you just said you imply that. You can physically express things in a number of ways, like cuddling! For some people, sex is far better and far more interesting when there is emotion to it. When its not seen as "getting off" or "cumming," but about love. And you have failed to express than in every single post, in every thread. You said you love him, fine. But you haven't linked that even close to sex.

Although I still think a mature and responsbile adult shouldn't be having sex with a child, I realize that doesn't matter in this case. ONE of the problems is that you are just way too focused on the physical. They can be linked, you know.

And I don't like being told where I can and can not post. In almost all my posts I was reasonable, which is far more than I can say in return.

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BoyliciousDarian

So, if anyone has any suggestions on how Taka and I can keep the gap in our physical desire levels from continuing to result in arguments, I am interested in hearing them.

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Nero laughed

OMG, I can't believe Hawke has been censored. What is Aven coming to when people get censored for sharing their point of view?

Anyway on topic - I have read everything in the Hotbox, and every post made by both of the darling couple who are soooooooo in love with each other. Gawd what is your problem ? If you are both so defensive about your relationship, and love each other soooooooooooo much, then why are you even asking us ASEXUALS this in the first place ?? Your lack of communication reflects your immaturity.

The first response was right. Drive is not attraction.

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BoyliciousDarian

Ugh... forget it. We'll settle it on our own.

I was just looking for a little advice on an issue which I thought other people here might have some insight on. Instead I got nothing but abuse from almost everyone. Off-topic replies from insensitive people who know not from whence they speak.

To those who truly offered insight, thank you.

To the rest of you... Thanks for nothing.

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The Evil Cashew
OMG, I can't believe Hawke has been censored. What is Aven coming to when people get censored for sharing their point of view?

In regards to that post, I would like to make it clear that we were NOT censoring Hawke. THe decision was made to split the thread because Darian's post was a legitimate thread and was no way unwelcomed on the forum and Hawke's posts were deemed disrespectful. Her opinion on the matter is accepted on the board but since it is a heated topic i split it so that Darian could still get advice if poeple so wished to give it and those who wished to debate it could still do so.

If there are any issues regarding this decision you can direct your opinions to anyone on the admod team.

~Cashew

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Goonie
To the rest of you... Thanks for nothing.

I hope that does not cover the community as a whole. I had no advice to offer so I didn't post.

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Xenon

I don't really have anything to add either -- what I would want to say has already been very well said by Hawke, Vits3K, and Forbidden Fury.

Except for this:

I was just looking for a little advice on an issue which I thought other people here might have some insight on.

You came to an Asexual board looking for advice on how to convince your boy toy to have more sex with you? That's a little like someone going to Alcoholics Anonymous to get mixed-drink recipes.

In my opinion your relationship is inappropriate (to say the least) -- and the fact that you seem to be having problems with it just underscores the point.

My final word on the subject: If I was a parent of a 16-year-old and I found out they were in a relationship with a 21-year-old, I would have only two words to say: "Restraining Order".

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sonofzeal

Can we just stop this whole argument?

Yes, there are some 21 year olds who will manipulate some 16 year olds into sex. There are also some 16 year olds who are mature for there age and quite capable of dealing with a 21 year old as an equal. Yes, there's the POTENTIAL for an inappropriate power balance. But from the actual text of the post, it's pretty obvious there isn't - if anything, the 16 year old seems to be holding the balance of power in the relationship. Even so, voicing concern is a decent, humane course of action. Can't we just leave it at that though?

About the actual questions in the post, I'll say two things, even though they've already been said, just because so much has been covered over or forgotten in the mudslinging. First, that the biggest issue seems to be a lack of communication and understanding. A lot of guys don't verbalize their feelings well, especially with other guys, and while I know nothing about you two in particular, it does seem that there's something missing there.

The other thing I'd suggest is to make a set of rules. Specifically, some setup by which you are entitled to X number of orgasms a day/week/month, and he can either assist with that or let you do your business. I'd suggest keeping track in a little booklet that he can look in any time he wants, but otherwise avoiding the subject since it seems to make him uncomfortable. That way, he can just ignore it if he wants to, but still feel like you're not cheating on him with yourself, which is my completely uneducated guess about what his issue is with it in the first place.

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Fayetje
Can we just stop this whole argument?

Yes, there are some 21 year olds who will manipulate some 16 year olds into sex. There are also some 16 year olds who are mature for there age and quite capable of dealing with a 21 year old as an equal. Yes, there's the POTENTIAL for an inappropriate power balance. But from the actual text of the post, it's pretty obvious there isn't - if anything, the 16 year old seems to be holding the balance of power in the relationship. Even so, voicing concern is a decent, humane course of action. Can't we just leave it at that though?

I agree completely.

I don't see anything wrong with the age difference. 16 year olds are a lot more mature than society wants to think and are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, even if the law doesn't think so. They should know right and wrong by then, they should know whether or not a relationship is a bad idea before they even get into it. If they don't they're either stupid or their parents did a lousy job of raising them. Besides, the shady sort of relationship people fear doesn't seem to be the case here.

I can give no more advice than to just discuss it with your partner. In a very calm way, I should add. Anger and yelling solves nothing.

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BoyliciousDarian
My final word on the subject: If I was a parent of a 16-year-old and I found out they were in a relationship with a 21-year-old, I would have only two words to say: "Restraining Order".

In my country, the police would just laugh at you.

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BoyliciousDarian
I can give no more advice than to just discuss it with your partner. In a very calm way, I should add. Anger and yelling solves nothing.

Thank you ^_^.

In fact, Taka and I have had a nice long talk about this, And we've worked out a lot of stuff... Both of us have a better understanding now of how the other person feels. I think we're going to be okay. He's coming over later today.. I can't wait to hug him and remind him of all the reasons he is special to me.

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