Telecaster68 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Not those particularly (though they're more intimate than an hour of back rub, by a long shot). I was more thinking of the wildly-inappropriate-time/place-but-I-really-need-you-NOW type of quickie. The urgency of the need and the transgressive element make it intimate. That could cover a two minuter before the kids wake up, of course, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Not those particularly (though they're more intimate than an hour of back rub, by a long shot). I was more thinking of the wildly-inappropriate-time/place-but-I-really-need-you-NOW type of quickie. The urgency of the need and the transgressive element make it intimate. That could cover a two minuter before the kids wake up, of course, too. Huh. Interesting. I'm not that experienced with quickies, since, obviously I don't experience that "I need you now" sort of thing. And... I don't think my partners ever asked... huh. Now I will have to think back to see if I ever accidentally rejected them for that without thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I don't think my partners ever asked That might've been (in some cases... from what you've said about at least one of your partners I doubt he'd have cared) because they knew you weren't going to share the 'I need you now' or get the rush from your partner saying 'I need you NOW', and would get more out of the socialising or whatever. I think the intimacy/bonding thing comes from complicity... the buzz of returning to a family gathering and spending the rest of the event catching each other's eye knowing they're also thinking 'we just fucked in the spare room and nobody knows' is huge. Well, for me anyhow. It's a shared secret. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 I don't think my partners ever asked That might've been (in some cases... from what you've said about at least one of your partners I doubt he'd have cared) because they knew you weren't going to share the 'I need you now' or get the rush from your partner saying 'I need you NOW', and would get more out of the socialising or whatever. I think the intimacy/bonding thing comes from complicity... the buzz of returning to a family gathering and spending the rest of the event catching each other's eye knowing they're also thinking 'we just fucked in the spare room and nobody knows' is huge. Well, for me anyhow. It's a shared secret. Mmm. Well. My first boyfriend would never have done that, cause he was super worried anyone would hear the bed squeaking even in his own room. He didn't want anyone to know we were having sex. The second one, we made out in a bar, but he was super shy about it :lol: The third one probably would have? *thinks* There were a lot of things he wanted I wouldn't do though, so perhaps he realized that was one of them. He was majorly into BDSM and poly...my ex-spouse did ask me to do it in his office once, but I refused, cause erm... anyone with a key could just walk in anytime. I don't know how much of a "I am asexual" vibe I gave off to most of them. My first boyfriend thought I wanted sex too much for him, cause I just kinda thought you did sex a lot as a couple and that's just how it was so I kept offering, since it was the norm I thought. Which he took as I wanted it and he was worried I would be upset if he said no, which he then got stressed out about me wanting too much sex. Which I find slightly amusing now. And the other two were virgins before dating me, so they didn't know what was normal or not. Sex never came up as an issue between me and any partners until my last one. *shrug* So I honestly have no idea if they noticed anything "off" or not when I was still just trying to be "normal". My ex-spouse still insists I am sexual and just stopped liking sex with him cause I am 1) a lesbian or 2) he gained too much weight ... he asked me if I fell in love with the female aces I met last week I guess he would feel better if I didn't go back to him cause I was a lesbian than because I am asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 You know Mysti, I'm not actually sure why our discussion appears to emotionally charged.. I don't disagree with you on anything you say. It's more like I want to challenge you to defend your perspective, and you seem to be doing the same with me. Tar... how is it your responsibility, in any way, shape, or form, what choices she makes? It's none of your business. You are currently acting as if you were, indeed, responsible for her choices. Please re-read what I said. This is exactly my point. Her decisions, are not my responsibility. How do you go from that statement, to assuming that I think somehow her decisions are my responsibility? Leave her, or stay. That's not her problem. It's your choice alone, and she does not deserve a say in it. Correct. Just as on the flip side, she can explore sex or don't explore sex; she can be asexual or not. That's all up to her, yes - and that means it's not your problem and not your responsibility, and you don't deserve any say in it. Also correct. As I said, what are we actually disagreeing on? Though, to be nitpicky: In those instances where she considers my feelings and wishes in her choices, not only do I "deserve" to tell her how I feel, it's pretty much my responsibility. Nothing is more toxic, than miscommunication and misunderstandings about what the other wants. You seem to think of "considering to leave her for it" as if it were a bad thing... well, in my eyes that may not be an outright red flag, but at the very least it's a yellow one. I'm worried about any relationship where it isn't always kept in mind that all participants have the possibility and right to leave at any time, for any reason, at any moments notice. Stay as independent from each other as at all possible. Of course it's a bad thing. That's because it's a choice that does nothing but uphold the status quo. If I considered leaving her, over making a choice to keep things as they are, that would mean I'm not satisfied with the status quo, and am only staying in the relationship in the hopes that she makes a change. I think I understand what you mean. I'm the one responsible for being in a relationship where I do not get my sexual needs met. This is true, and it's not a decision I regret. But here's my perspective: She had the opportunity to try to meet my needs, and she didn't do it in that instance. That is her responsibility. I hope you understand this implicitly, but maybe I have to say it out loud: I don't mean this as judgement. It's an assertion. She made a choice not to do such and such, and that's on her. She doesn't get to claim "But I did everything I could", nor would she claim that, nor do either of us think that it's her duty to do so. It's relevant to me not because I think she's done something wrong. It's relevant because I think this proves beyond doubt she could not possibly be "the one partner" for me. There are things that not only she can not give to me, but also she chooses not to. If I want to find those things in life, I'll have to look elsewhere, and that's what I'm doing. If anything, I think openly affirming that right to each other is a fine thing to keep the love alive... "you know you're free to leave, right?" - "I know. So are you." - "Awesome." Hm.. I agree with this, but I'm not sure how it applies right now. If I had to write a relationship guide, one item in it would surely be: Do consider leaving. Do consider it, daily, at least for a minute or two. I don't see how appreciating each other's presence can be valuated, if the very real possibility and option of just not being together isn't constantly kept in mind, and affirmed as all participants' basic right. That's outlining the obvious difference between us. I consider leaving her constantly, but not consciously. It's a slow, subconscious background process. In a way, she's currently part of my emotional "self". If that ever ceases being the case, I would have to start consciously considering leaving her, but currently it's just not something I really have to give any thought. It just is, like the air we breathe, etc. etc. You know what, I'm beginning to see at least one thing you hate about the article, much more clearly. (Which is a good thing I take from this dialogue, and which I don't mean as criticism.) I very much do think that "surrender all hope, ye who enter here" is a good inscription to put on the foundation stone for every healthy relationship, not just mixed ace/sexy ones, and that that's a pretty big factor that resonated with me in terms of the article (especially the start of it)... whereas for you, hope, even hope against all reasonable odds, seems to be a basic component for any relationship you want to be in. How odd, that our conversation touches on the same subjects where I'm currently redefining myself. No, I don't think so anymore, at least not now. I've finally understood, that my gut instincts can be relied upon enough, that I don't need such a thing as "hope". What I do need, is the strength to follow through. I did manage to summon that strength, sometimes at the last moment, when it comes to the relationship with my girlfriend, and what I have now is exactly the beautiful relationship I deep down always knew we could have, just back then I didn't understand it. My understanding of relationships was too naive, where it seemed all about getting my needs met (because that's what I observed in other people). No longer. I'm fighting for what is genuinely there and possible now. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Yeah, I guess young virgins (especially ones who don't want anyone to know they're having sex) aren't going to have the chutzpah for the covert quickie. It's not so much about sensing you're asexual, more there's stuff you probably won't be into, so unless it's a really big deal for the sexual partner, it's just not going to get suggested. Similarly to knowing they're probably not going to be into skydiving, or going to a comic-con, or whatever. And there'll be stuff sexuals won't be into too. And the 'anyone could walk in' thing. That's kind of the point... For sexuals, transgression plus horniness will overwhelm that. And knowing that your partner's just that into you is hot as hell too. And throw in some exhibitionism. (I'm not actually *that* into the whole 'anyone could walk in' scenario, honestly. I just understand how it works.). Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Hrm. I don't think I will ever get the anyone could walk in thing. At work, you'd get fired. At family, you could make someone really, really mad. Etc, etc. Why risk the consequences? *blinks* Oh well. Not one I will probably ever get. Much like skydiving. ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 The trick is to make it really really unlikely, to the point where rationally you know it's pretty much not going to happen, or if it did, you'd get enough warning to dive for cover, but still allow yourself to feel like it's risky. Or genuinely not give a fuck. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 You know Mysti, I'm not actually sure why our discussion appears to emotionally charged.. I don't disagree with you on anything you say. It's more like I want to challenge you to defend your perspective, and you seem to be doing the same with me. Well, not to be kindergarden playground guy, but you started it by literally calling BS on what I said, out of the blue. :P Not sure what else to say in regards to your last post, because you're right, just in a mirrored position - I have no clue what you are actually disagreeing with me on. :D Link to post Share on other sites
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