married to an asexual

[Manathane]

Maybe there's a better approach though - how would you want your sexual partner to approach the issue? Or rather, if you were the sexual partner with an asexual, how would you approach them about it?

Well, I would definitely find out what they wanted and what they didn't want. What's okay to do and what's not? I would let them know what I wanted, as well, but I would make sure they knew that I wasn't going to force them into anything or pressure them. Then I would just give it time, and give them enough space to decide whether they wanted to compromise or not. I definitely think that pressure on either part should be avoided as much as possible.

[BunnyK.]

I would let them know what I wanted, as well, but I would make sure they knew that I wasn't going to force them into anything or pressure them. Then I would just give it time, and give them enough space to decide whether they wanted to compromise or not. I definitely think that pressure on either part should be avoided as much as possible.

This sounds so caring and respectful, and unfortunately so, so far from the way I'd want to handle it if I were in a relationship with an asexual. I'd do my best, but I know I'd be in bed every night giving them the puppy dog eyes. And then slipping off to go cry on the couch before I went to sleep. :P

[Manathane]

I would let them know what I wanted, as well, but I would make sure they knew that I wasn't going to force them into anything or pressure them. Then I would just give it time, and give them enough space to decide whether they wanted to compromise or not. I definitely think that pressure on either part should be avoided as much as possible.

This sounds so caring and respectful, and unfortunately so, so far from the way I'd want to handle it if I were in a relationship with an asexual. I'd do my best, but I know I'd be in bed every night giving them the puppy dog eyes. And then slipping off to go cry on the couch before I went to sleep. :P

I guess it is easier for me to say something way way toned down, seeing as how I don't even want sex in the first place. It is the sexual's answer that matters with this question, anyhow. o.o

[gypsylady]

I think it all depends on how strongly the asexual and sexual parties feel about their respective needs.

I would not be able to compromise. It would make me feel like I was prostituting myself to bargain with a sexual mate, but that's only becaue I have no desire to have sex and I feel very strongly about being true to myself and feeling peaceful with my decisions and in my relationships.

That said, I've never been in that position with someon I loved. Still, I can imagine it clearly enough. For me, it would come down to deciding how much my self respect was worth vs. how much their happiness meant to me.

Another thing I would need to consider: *why* I would be compromising. Would it be because I truly love my partner? Or would it be because I would be afraid they would go away if I didn't compromise?

[Chiaroscuro]

Compromise.... the magic word of marriage. My wife and I have literally compromised on every part of our relationship. I can't think of anything that hasn't been put through that wringer again and again. Debated, argued over, wheedled over...

Sex for her though is non-negotiable at this point. No compromise, period. I understand where she's coming from, but it's the first deal-breaker we've run into in fifteen years of marriage. We have kids, we have a loving relationship, but this thing won't move. Not even a little. It may someday.

Maybe.

And a couple of random comments from the sexual perspective here:

1. sex isn't about "using" someone else's body like it's a blow-up doll or something (well, I guess it COULD be, if the someone in question were really messed up). When your sexual partner is bugging you for sex, what he/she is asking for is for you to join with them.... to be intimate with them... to show them that you desire them and allow them to express their desire for you. That's all. It's a connection (and a fun, pleasant one). It's the one, special place that only you and your lover can go. That's not about one person using another, it's about two people having fun together, and allowing themselves to be vulnerable together.

2. My stance on "bargaining" for sex is that it's no different than any of the other parts of a relationship. You have to talk about it. Both sides have to understand where the other side is coming from. The Sex/No Sex divide is huge. I'm sexual, and you've got to trust me, it's huge. Equally so for my asexual wife. If you're not talking about it, negotiating, finding out what compromises there may be, then it's just going to sit there influencing everything else. The proverbial elephant in the room.

[Platy79]

So its been awhile since I've been on here last and I've gone through all the replies and comments that have been made on my situation, thank you all who have given some advice..... my situation is still the same as it was almost a year ago.... absolutely nothing has changed.... I finally just gave up on the whole "trying to talk about it" idea, it makes no difference, we still dont see eye to eye.... just that I stopped asking for it... and my sex drive certainly has not diminished.... still not sure what to do. Every day I still think about the whole going outside of the marriage thing, but still can't bring myself to do it. I've been hinting at trying to get his blessing but I can't just come out and say it, I don't want him to think I stopped loving him, because I haven't, I just need some good old sex!!!!! I need that feeling of being able to show all the love that I have to offer in a sexual way, not just a peck and hug here and there........ What to do?........ What to do?......

[Chiaroscuro]

What to do, indeed. Society has no acceptable answers to this impasse other than divorce, which is such a brutal, blunt instrument. Maybe when asexuality is accepted down the road, society can begin to build some rational responses. Until then, we're collectively screwed, I'm afraid.

Good luck, I feel your pain,

-Chiaroscuro

[funaladanaly]

I have said this before (sorry to repeat) my body is my body ... I have major issues with someone wanting to use it for their satisfaction. I know I know ... sex is about two people ... but I don't think I see it that way.

You know what, you have a really good point. I am pretty proud that I've never caved in for any guy, but with my current bf, I feel guilty at times. I never let this guilt compromise my rule of no sex before marriage, but I can understand how girls have caved in.

When you see the guy you care about being all miserable, its easy to feel like its your fault because you're different.

But you're right. Its your body! Its not fair for people to make someone feel guilty for not satisfying them.

What I hear too though is that he wants it to be pleasurable for me as well. He also says that the idea of cuddling and touching is for both people to feel good. It doesn't do anything for him if I'm not happy. I told him, sorry, but I just don't like it. I've tried, and I just can't get myself to like it. Oddly enough, for as much as he supposedly doesn't get anything out of it since I'm not enjoying the cuddling, he keeps sneaking it in.

Both of us have been very upfront. We've talked about marriage, but agreed that we can't get married until we resolve this issue. He's very sexual, I'm the polar opposite. Thus far, we haven't come close to reaching a resolution other than me trying to work through the touching thing.

But that is another point. After marriage, he'll be satisified because he finally gets to sleep with me, but I'll never be satisfied because I doubt I'll ever like cuddling, kissing, sex, etc.

[Doozers40]

Other people on here have said that couples like this can work out, I don't believe it and I don't see how :roll:

I hope you can make it work!

I too am faced with an asexual wife. Unfortunately, I didn't know what it was until just two days ago, when I happened upon an article that used the term, so I've been busily researching what I can.

I'll be married 18 yrs in another week. She has "dutifully" provided us with 4 wonderful children, for which I am most grateful. She felt an obligation to have children before I ever met her. We didn't have sex before we were married, due to religious beliefs. If I had, I would have known early enough to have made a different decision, I believe. What's most interesting to me is that I was the virgin on our wedding night, and she had many, many sexual encounters before meeting me. I didn't think to ask about them, or ask those previous partners, as I didn't want to seem like a jerk by holding her lack of virginity against her. In retrospect, I now know I should have pursued my gut feelings to talk to them. I have spoken with one past partner, her last, about a year ago, and he confirmed what I suspected, . . . she had infrequent sex with him out of "duty," ONLY when she feared losing him as a boyfriend. About every 2 - 3 weeks, and just laid there waiting for him to finish . . . whatever he was doing. Not much has changed. Hmmmmm

It has been a VERY long and painful 18 yrs for me. I'll post more about the last 4 yrs, but suffice it to say, she worked in another state for 3 of those last 4 years, fooled around (yes, was at the club/ bar scene where many photos showed her in many stages of undress with men at the clubs/ bars) with new "friends" and her punk music scene. She was and always has been bored with anything that is the same, so she's always sought "new" activities in her life, because she gets bored so easily. Her activities put me in the position of deciding to let her live her "new life," but somehow she "knew" my intentions, and quit her job in that other state, and moved back to be here with us again. I was ready to file divorcement papers, and she begged to be allowed to try and make it work.

From July 2006 to October 2006, she made an effort to "dutifully" have sex every couple of days, but then she suddenly decided that was too hard for her, and we're lucky if sex is something that happens once a month now. There is NO emotion. I could be having sex with a prostitute, and she'd have more interest and participation. Mentally, I have seen her as my f-buddy for years . . . when she'd permit it! Without emotion, passion, concern . . . there has never been any love-making. The conception of the children was a "planned" event, anywhere from 1 to 4 days, and then nothing for 15 -20 months.

Having discussed my disgust at her return to the situation we have struggled with for 18 yrs, I am going to approach her on her asexualness (Now that i know what it is), and the need to get some therapy/ counseling. If she refuses, I feel I have no choice but to let her go her own way. I don't hate her, but I just can't be frustrated with being married to a "machine" for another 18 years, much-less one more year.

I realize that's not the choice that some of you have made. But I have been doing a LOT of soul searching the past 17 1/2 years. Sadly, the kids and I functioned so much better without her here the last 3 years, which ended in July 2006, upon her moving back here. She generally ignores everyone in the household. If I don't thrust myself upon her presence, she'd even ignore me too. She said that she did love me in July when I asked VERY directly, but every behavior says just the opposite. I have NOT felt a "love" for her since the 3rd month of our marriage, when she first got pregnant.

I'm looking at a new type of law called Collaborative Law, which removes the court, except to file the proceeding, the agreements are struck between the spouses and ratified with their attorney's (so the State cannot invalidate the agreements).

I appreciate this forum. I am learning more about this asexuality that I never knew existed. I feel for the couples who are facing this challenge. I realize that you must each measure your marriages and willingness to gain patience. My belief is that marriage is a sacred bond. If that bond is not developed, which is a MAJOR problem with an asexual wife, . . . I am of the opinion, knowing men, as I do, who typically NEED the physicality in their marriage to guage their relationship to the woman they love, . . . Let him go before you bring children into the passion-less marriage.

I can't speak to the wives who have asexual husbands. Aside from a 2 x 4 across the head . . . . (LOL I'm sorry.) I don't know what to tell you fine ladies. You have to make-up your own minds as to whether you can live like that for the rest of your married life. I only know I can't.

Dave

[Chiaroscuro]

Sadly, the kids and I functioned so much better without her here the last 3 years, which ended in July 2006, upon her moving back here.

This, for me, would make the idea of divorce perfectly acceptable. I'm in a situation where my children are flourishing, and my wife and I make a great parenting team. So breaking up would have a very good chance of hurting the kids. If that weren't the case, my choice would be much more straightforward.

Best of luck. I hope you find what you're looking for here and in your life.

-Chiaroscuro

[marriedandstaying]

to Chia and Doozers...as a sexual female married to a "different" male (I don't know yet whether he's actually a-sexual completely or just has a very low libido), I feel badly for what I've read in both of your posts. As for Doozers, living w/out the wife but still being the kids' daddy sounds like a great solution. I hope that works for you. I am a little bit confused about the parts of your note where you said that she was in various stages of undress with other men? So, is she actually asexual, or does she use sex as a tool or weapon, or is she just curious? I don't understand, or am I missing something?

As for you, Chia, your situation and mine sound very similar, albeit yours from the male perspective. My husband is a really great daddy. In fact, one sad but intriguing fact is this: I never realized that he was capable of such deep loving feelings until I watched him parent our daughters. It was that contrast (the love he SHOWED toward his kids vs. the love he didn't show to me) that illuminated just how severe our emotional drought had become. My husband is a great provider, working extra shifts to earn money for private school. I began staying at home with the kids when our oldest reached kindergarten. Prior to that, I worked flexible hours opposite my husband's schedule so he was the daddy while I was at work, and I was the mommy while he was at work. For years, I blamed the poor intimacy on this very real time and place together problem. Ever since quitting work completely 6 years ago, the problem has ebbed and waned but lately I can count only one sexual encounter since August. Of course it was initiated by me...

I could never split up this otherwise happy and peaceful and functional home that we've chosen to bring children into. Perhaps when the children are grown, it would make more sense to be selfish. However, in general, here is what my philosophy with this (and most of my marriage difficulties) is: I picked him, so now I have to make the best of it. I honestly mean that, not in a sarcastic way, but in a philosophical way. I won't leave the union (at least not now) and I won't complain idly while I'm here, so the only other choice is to make the best of it. Sometimes, I just need to vent, which is what always drives me to the web! My friends and family would pity me and be so curious, and I dont' want to be fodder for someone else, so I keep this very very private. But that costs me too...

Well, chia...I wrote some questions to you in answer to your post to my original note...if you have time I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Blessings to all of us who are just trying to make the most of our time on this earth!

[jipz]

i just figured out about a week ago whats been going on with my husband. your story is exactly like mine except i have two children and 16 years later. i've been miserable and lonely all of them years. he had sex with me a few times just to keep me quiet for a period and allowed me to get pregnant ''i think'' because it might take my mind off of wanting sex. i've been asking him for years why he doesent want to have sex with me, all get is '' i dont know''. i thought it was me. i blamed myself, beat myself up, become depressed and had to be put on medication. he was never honest with me from the start or i wouldnt have stayed. i have been a stay at home mother now most of our marriage and im very dependent on him now which is what i think he wanted. financially im stuck!!! my husband allowed me to think that he was just impotant, i took him to specialist and he took errection medication but still never had that ''drive'' that comes natural. he can go forever and never think about it or want it. he's not effectionate for fear that i might want more. it has ruined my life, my selfesteem and my self confidence. i found this website and felt like someone kicked me. everyones stories are just like my life and i discovered whats actually wrong with him. all i think about now is '' god if only i had seen the signs when i met him''!! i would never had done this to myself if i has only known. im 41 now and i want out of this mess..... soooo if you have a chance to move on........by all means love yourself enough to do it!! you will find love somewhere else with someone that wants to RETURN IT!!!!!

[maufry]

Oddly enough, for as much as he supposedly doesn't get anything out of it since I'm not enjoying the cuddling, he keeps sneaking it in.

Funny how that happens, isn't it? Which is why I've always seen that argument as pure manipulative BS. If you can't enjoy yourself if I'm not enjoying myself, and you know that I don't enjoy any of that, then why do you keep trying to do it??? [deep breath.... /rant]

there has never been any love-making

Probably b/c that concept is totally foreign to us. For me, "love-making" and "sex" are contradictory terms. I feel that I'm loved when my guy looks at me a certain way, or picks up my favorite food on the way home, or sends me a text message in the middle of the day to let me know he's thinking of me, or - for the more physical - gives me a hug, or a gentle squeeze as he passes me, or when we curl up on the couch together. THAT is love-making, to me. Sex and randiness just mean that he's got an itch that needs to be scratched, and since I'm the girlfriend, I'm the one who's expected to scratch it. It's completely impersonal and insulting to me, and it makes me feel used.

However, in general, here is what my philosophy with this (and most of my marriage difficulties) is: I picked him, so now I have to make the best of it. I honestly mean that, not in a sarcastic way, but in a philosophical way. I won't leave the union (at least not now) and I won't complain idly while I'm here, so the only other choice is to make the best of it.

Amen to that!!! One of my absolute biggest pet peeves is when someone complains incessantly about something and yet never does anything about it. And not just on this topic, but on anything. I had a friend in college whose parents were putting her in the middle of their divorce, and I heard NOTHING that year except how miserable they were making her, and how unfair it was for them to put her in the middle, blah, blah, blah. She'd ask me for advice, but then she'd never DO anything! Not that I expected her to follow my advice, per se, but all she ever did was talk about how much she wanted it to change, but she never did anything to change it. Which, in my opinion, completely forfeits her right to complain about it. Now, if she had been trying things and failing, then she could have ranted and raved all she wanted and I wouldn't have minded a bit. It's like my dad's students who complain about failing his class. He asks them if they studied. "Well.....no....." Well then what are you complaining about??

Okay, so apparently I'm in a ranting mood today, lol. I just meant to say that I like your attitude, m&s. You're taking responsibility for choosing to stay in a less than ideal situation, and I find that highly admirable. :)

[jipz]

marriedandstaying... wow! i felt that way in the first 5 years of my marriage. not anymore... your message brought tears to my eyes! im so glad that i dont feel alone in this anymore. finding this out is all so new to me and i know that i have alot of healing to do because like i said i thought for so long that it was me!

[Daysleeper]

Almost every post I read about sexual/asexual couples makes me feel the same way. Is like the only person that always compromize is the sexual partner.

We stop having sex and go trough awful agonies tryng to decide if we stay in such a painful relationship or we brake our marriages... Are there any asexuals willing to compromise?

I know is not the exact same situation and I ll probably will receive a lot of heat for this post but even when I dont like jackie chan or football games I went with my asexual boyfriend from time to time to the movies or to a stadium cuz I knew he did enjoy that and I wanted to share it with him...

Why couldnt him do the same for me?

[square peg]

Are there any asexuals willing to compromise?

I believe there are. Not many here though, probably because the ones that really aren't bothered by sex are less likely to seek out the community.

I know is not the exact same situation and I ll probably will receive a lot of heat for this post but even when I dont like jackie chan or football games I went with my asexual boyfriend from time to time to the movies or to a stadium cuz I knew he did enjoy that and I wanted to share it with him...

Why couldnt him do the same for me?

I hope you don't get heat for it; I think it's important we all feel we can be honest about our feelings here. Asexuals of all people should know not to be offended by others' feelings, as the receiving end comes with the territory for us. :)

I don't know about your boyfriend's situation, but personally I would much more easily compromise over light entertainment than I could over sex. From my point of view, when a relationship became remotely sexual (kissing with tongues... as far as I've been) the dynamics were completely changed and I felt utterly lost and out of place. The kissing itself was entirely neutral, but afterwards the realisation set in that I'd effectively told him I saw him sexually, and gave him permission to overtly do so to me. The best way I can explain the feeling is that we were suddenly on different pages, so that connection was broken. Perhaps you'll just have to take my word for it, that it is one of the most disturbing, jarring, confusing feelings I've ever experienced and made me want to escape his presence altogether. The look in his eye that I couldn't relate to made him seem like a completely different person to who I knew, as did just wondering what he was now thinking. Not speaking for all or any other asexuals, but just pointing out that it's possible that a) sexual activity is a considerably more upsetting thing for him than you're giving credit for and B) the evasion of it is actually an attempt to salvage the emotional bond with you. This will sound very strange I'm sure, but right now I imagine it would be easier for me to prostitute myself than have sex with someone I was emotionally bonded to, because although the idea of intercourse itself doesn't repel me, that feeling of suddenly no longer sharing the same kind of feelings for each other and being in it for different things, does upset me. This is why it struck me as a shame that you took it personally that he won't compromise, because in my experience the thought of sex can be more negative the more attached you are to the person involved.

[Daysleeper]

Square peg you really make me see things from a different point of view here. Thank you very much.

But I cant stop thinking that when you care enough about someone you find a way to make it work, and his reluctance to even talk about it was just heart breaking :cry:

[significant1]

Last night I found this site. My partner has never been interested in the physical. I thought it was because of neglect and abuse from the time he was born and after he was adopted. I thought it was because of the vast array of labels that could be put on him. Now I see it could just be... Asexual.

I am trying to understand. Struggling with the intelligent vs the emotional side.

I would be so content just to lay in his arms all night. Of course he turns me on still at just the thought of him. I need and want not just SEX, but the whole aspect of intimacy. Holdning, touching, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, passionately kissing, stroking... and yes, passionate sex. This would be heaven!

He on the other hand, he has no need for the physical. All of which I listed above. He is in heaven just to be in the same room with me. Content, fullfilled. Never physical. Not just the sexual. As I understand his feelings, he derives absolutely no enjoyment what so ever out of any part of the physical. Sex, he'll do. I say it like that because it's like taking out the garbage. Just something he feels like has to be done. I don't see him getting anything out of the act of sex except release. In the beginning, I believe he experiences a sense of enjoyment. But when he's got a really good erection... orgasm is just seconds away.

Okay, now you've got some of the personal details... For the A's in here, can you give me your insight on the rest how you feel about the touching part of intimacy?

(My body is on the verge of being physically sick to my stomach. How could I feel so much for a man that has no desire to be with me on such an intimate level.)

Help me to understand!!!

"Typically" speaking, asexuals..... is

[M51]

Oddly enough, for as much as he supposedly doesn't get anything out of it since I'm not enjoying the cuddling, he keeps sneaking it in.

Funny how that happens, isn't it? Which is why I've always seen that argument as pure manipulative BS. If you can't enjoy yourself if I'm not enjoying myself, and you know that I don't enjoy any of that, then why do you keep trying to do it??? [deep breath.... /rant]

Alright. This might get some angry replies. But humans are constantly subjecting other beings to activities that they know the other being hates, just because it gratifies them. Example: certain cats that hate to be held. Why do so many humans insist on picking them up, holding them against their will, and stroking them and baby talking to them as if it was a sign of love? If you love the cat, don't freaking pick it up against its will!! My ex-husband used to do this to my cats all the time. He also had no problem pressuring me into "making sweet love" that was anything but sweet love to me. To me it seems like the exact same pattern of imposing your urges on another being. The fact of the matter is, when people have the urge to express their emotions, they have the urge to express their emotions. Which means: 1) Asexuals need to realize that the sexual really does feel zhe is expressing all that love stuff with sex, strange and incomprehensible as it seems to us. And 2) Sexuals need to realize that they are fooling themselves if they think sexual activity with an asexual is, or ever will be, a mutual thing. The whole expressing love for each other idea is a delusion, a joke, an excuse. Sexuals need to realize this is a one way street. It's great if the asexual can compromise, just like it is great if you find someone to play chess or tennis or whatever with, but if you can't find someone who wants to play it is not their fault for not wanting to play. It is the sexual's needs, the sexual's desires, and the onus of satisfying them is pretty much on you. It drives me crazy when I get the sense that sexuals are trying to slough responsibility for their sexuality onto the asexual. When you pick up the cat against its will, do you fool yourself into thinking the cat likes it? If the cat scratches you and runs away, and refuses to come out from under the couch every time you enter the room, can you really blame it?

So yeah, I have seen it, too. The sexual insists that zhe wants the asexual to enjoy it, even to the point of demanding that the asexual act like zhe enjoys it, because then it is easier to pretend that you are not imposing your urge on someone else. Or the sexual claims that zhe doesn't want to pressure the asexual, then tries sneaking little sexual activities in anyway. Why? Not because the sexual is a bad person. That is not what I am saying. It is because the sexual honestly feels an incredibly strong urge that depends on the asexual to fulfill. Asexuals need to realize how strong that urge is. And sexuals need to realize that the urge is just never going to be a mutual thing, and the sneaking stuff in when you say you don't want to pressure the asexual is just as misleading and manipulative and confusing as the asexual initiating sexual activity to keep you in the relationship. So all I am saying is that we need to be honest about the fact that the sexual feels something the asexual doesn't. It is not the sexual's fault for feeling it. It is not the asexual's fault for not feeling it. This sounds obvious but it just keeps coming up.

The sexual is the one imposing an urge on the asexual. To use the tennis metaphor, if one partner wanted to play tennis and the other didn't, the non-tennis player is not imposing hir "non-tennis desires" on the tennis player; that is just ridiculous. And the asexual is not imposing anything on the sexual. Failing to fulfill a strong desire, yes. Imposing, no. Again, I am not saying you shouldn't try to find a compromise. I am just saying that beating around the bush and making excuses because it sounds bad to admit that you are imposing something is not going to solve the problem.

It just sucks. I don't mean to blame either party, I just wish people would be honest about what is going on here. Sorry if that came across as harsh.

For Significant1: I LOVE physical touch. I just hate it when it crosses that vague line into sexual touch. I know the sick to the stomach feeling, because I have to repress my desire for physical touch for fear that it will lead to sex. I have no outlet for my physical (nonsexual) desires, because if I act on them I am expected to engage in either sex or at least a romantic relationship, and I want neither of those. If I were sexual I could have a one night stand to temporarily relieve my physical loneliness. But there is no such thing as a cuddle one night stand. I have absolutely no outlet.

There is a friend I have right now that I actually have dreams about cuddling and kissing. But I have to be very careful, because I know from experience that anything I do to pursue those urges would be interpreted by him as sexual. If I could find a sexual (or asexual) who could cuddle and kiss and be physically intimate without always pressing on to sex, I would be in heaven. But I can't. So I just suffer, lonely, totally deprived of physical affection. It sucks.

So yeah, some asexuals not only can stand physical touch, but crave it. We just don't want to "progress" (in quotes because for us it is really not progress but a step backwards in intimacy) to sex.[/b]

I have met a few asexuals who I have a lot in common with. But they do not like physical touch. And I have wondered what would happen if I got into a relationship where I was the one who wanted more? What if the tables were suddenly turned? I would talk to them about maybe letting me hug them every now and then, yes. It would suck, yes. I would fight my urges to cuddle them all the time. I might have to sleep in a different bed because I WILL roll over and spoon another person in the same bed with me without even realizing it. But I know I would have to respect them and not hug them or touch them against their will. My urges would be something for me to deal with, as I deal with them now without a partner. Right now I have nobody to blame for my urges and my physical loneliness except myself. If I had a partner who did not like physical touch, I don't see any reason that the blame would suddenly shift to them.

[Freed_Spirit]

Hey significant1, welcome and please have some

I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband, I've been marrried and I understand. To answer your question, I'm a very romantic asexual, so for me touch is no problem, like M51 I crave a relationship with physical intimacy (hugs, kisses, cuddles, sleeping together) BUT no sex. No tongue kisses either! I'm probably right off at the far end of the asexual scale ... but there's still that chasm between me and the lowest libido sexual person, and that chasm is sex.

If you'd like to pm me feel free, I know this is a very tough situation.

PS Has your husband visited AVEN?

[bug]

I am just wondering - if you feel someone is your soulmate, how can this be if one of you is asexual and the other is sexual, and this causes such a divide? Surely only if you can reach compromise on this, is this person your soulmate. A soulmate should never cause distress on the level that is being discussed here. Or am I just crazy? (do not want to offend anyone).

[Freed_Spirit]

Hey bug, I don't think you're crazy and I'm not offended. It isn't easy to explain. I think being soulmates is to connect on a deep, emotional level, to have so much in common that you just have to be together. However, it seems entirely possible to be soulmates and not have sex in common - well, it has happened to me three times. Soulmates seems to transcend a physical relationship, and I think some people find their soulmate may be a friend not a lover ...

I've been soulmates with my loves, and the problem I think is in the expression of that connection - we both feel it, equally strongly, but I express it asexually and they express it sexually. My last partner and I talked about this (one, tiny :shock: ) difference and were very open, not hurtful about how we felt, but in the end compromise on sex just didn't work. "If only" sums it up and there were bitter tears on both sides over that tiny phrase. Course, I didn't know I was asexual then, I was trying to fit in, so I didn't know well enough that it was never ever going to work. Sex to a sexual person is an expression of love. Sex to an asexual person is going away from intimacy, not towards.

Anyway this is really hard to try and explain concisely - if you want to pm me I'll ramble on freely!

And some much needed

[RomanceIsLost]

This will sound very strange I'm sure, but right now I imagine it would be easier for me to prostitute myself than have sex with someone I was emotionally bonded to, because although the idea of intercourse itself doesn't repel me, that feeling of suddenly no longer sharing the same kind of feelings for each other and being in it for different things, does upset me.

Wow, I was just thinking of making a topic asking if anyone else felt like this.

Recently I had an argument with my now-ex-boyfriend because I'd mentioned something about the possibility of me kissing (as in, serious kiss...not just a peck on the lips) someone else (a stupid thing to say, I know) and he replied that he didn't understand how I could accept a kiss from a stranger but not from him. I couldn't really answer but, having thought about it, if I had to do something sexual I would much rather do it with a stranger because, to me, sexual things are not an aid to intimacy. On the contrary, I see them as a hindrance and something that changes feelings. If you're doing it with someone who you have no emotional connection to, there's nothing to lose.

Sorry for going slightly off-topic. Carry on, everyone :D

[square peg]

This will sound very strange I'm sure, but right now I imagine it would be easier for me to prostitute myself than have sex with someone I was emotionally bonded to, because although the idea of intercourse itself doesn't repel me, that feeling of suddenly no longer sharing the same kind of feelings for each other and being in it for different things, does upset me.

Wow, I was just thinking of making a topic asking if anyone else felt like this.

Cool, I thought it was just me. Feel free to make use my post in a new thread if you want. Or if you don't want to make one, I might actually. I've thought more about it since and I'm curious too. :)

[*a*rteest]

I couldn't really answer but, having thought about it, if I had to do something sexual I would much rather do it with a stranger because, to me, sexual things are not an aid to intimacy. On the contrary, I see them as a hindrance and something that changes feelings. If you're doing it with someone who you have no emotional connection to, there's nothing to lose.

I don't really understand. Then why not just have sex with strangers and get paid for it? Or pay others for it??

I'm not being facetious. There are coworkers I've talked to about this who seem to be a whole lot like you. And I don't get it.

How can something so imminently dangerous (through chance of disease, rape, pregnancy, etc.) NOT be a vehicle for intimacy??

I asked one particular coworker why she doesn't simply pay a prostitute to have sex with her, since it drives her crazy not to have sex for a long time. She answered me that she's checked her "booty calls" for diseases and whatnot.

But seriously. How do you know these people aren't having their own booty calls on the side and how can you be SURE they are disease-free??

I'm sorry. I really don't get "casual sex" at all.

I'm also curious, and would like to see a post on this issue.

[RomanceIsLost]

I couldn't really answer but, having thought about it, if I had to do something sexual I would much rather do it with a stranger because, to me, sexual things are not an aid to intimacy. On the contrary, I see them as a hindrance and something that changes feelings. If you're doing it with someone who you have no emotional connection to, there's nothing to lose.

I don't really understand. Then why not just have sex with strangers and get paid for it? Or pay others for it??

I'm not being facetious. There are coworkers I've talked to about this who seem to be a whole lot like you. And I don't get it.

How can something so imminently dangerous (through chance of disease, rape, pregnancy, etc.) NOT be a vehicle for intimacy??

I asked one particular coworker why she doesn't simply pay a prostitute to have sex with her, since it drives her crazy not to have sex for a long time. She answered me that she's checked her "booty calls" for diseases and whatnot.

But seriously. How do you know these people aren't having their own booty calls on the side and how can you be SURE they are disease-free??

I'm sorry. I really don't get "casual sex" at all.

I'm also curious, and would like to see a post on this issue.

I wouldn't actually do it at all, I was just being theoretical. I can't fully explain it because I don't give it much thought (seen as it's not something I'm ever actually gonna do)...I just know that I could never, never have sex with someone who I'm supposed to be in a relationship with. I don't know. It's not a logical thing, it's just a feeling.

[Chiaroscuro]

I couldn't really answer but, having thought about it, if I had to do something sexual I would much rather do it with a stranger because, to me, sexual things are not an aid to intimacy. On the contrary, I see them as a hindrance and something that changes feelings. If you're doing it with someone who you have no emotional connection to, there's nothing to lose.

My wife brings this up quite often, RiL. I admit, it surprised me to see it expressed here... I thought it was something she (abuse survivor), felt as a result of her trauma. For her, I'm identified as a trusted friend and companion, and sex (an awful thing), threatens that relationship in the same way that the abuse threatened her relationship with her father. Sex with a stranger doesn't carry the same emotional baggage.

After reading your post though, I'm thinking maybe it's not actually about the abuse at all. Maybe it's about something else. I'd love to hear more about any of your feelings about this.

-Chiaroscuro

[Octarine]

This will sound very strange I'm sure, but right now I imagine it would be easier for me to prostitute myself than have sex with someone I was emotionally bonded to, because although the idea of intercourse itself doesn't repel me, that feeling of suddenly no longer sharing the same kind of feelings for each other and being in it for different things, does upset me.

Wow, I was just thinking of making a topic asking if anyone else felt like this.

Recently I had an argument with my now-ex-boyfriend because I'd mentioned something about the possibility of me kissing (as in, serious kiss...not just a peck on the lips) someone else (a stupid thing to say, I know) and he replied that he didn't understand how I could accept a kiss from a stranger but not from him. I couldn't really answer but, having thought about it, if I had to do something sexual I would much rather do it with a stranger because, to me, sexual things are not an aid to intimacy. On the contrary, I see them as a hindrance and something that changes feelings. If you're doing it with someone who you have no emotional connection to, there's nothing to lose.

Sorry for going slightly off-topic. Carry on, everyone :D

I totally feel the same way. If I was forced to have sex, or, like, offered a million dollars or something, I would have it with a total stranger that I would then never see again.

I guess it's because I don't see sex as a part of love. (Feeling wise. Logic wise I know it is, but it just feels odd) It seems like something you should do privately, which is why it's so mind-boggling to me why people who love each other make a point of doing it together.

Perhaps I can explain this better in a little while.

[La_Gioconda]

I feel the same. I think having sex with a stranger would be a much less disturbing experience than having it with someone I care about (not that I want to do either). With stranger, I wouldn't have to look at him ever again. I wouldn't have to act as if I enjoyed it and pretend I'm not hurted by it. Generally, it's a matter of lower expectations.

I was thinking of an analogy and this is what I came up with:

If my SO regularly beat me I would feel degraded and dehumanized. This feelings would be legitimate and a good reason to end the relationship. Sex causes me similar feelings, less strong probably (I don't know, I've never been beaten) but they are not legitimate. I sort of don't feel I have the right to feel this way since sex is not meant to cause me such a disturbance, it's meant to be pleasant. Besides, I wouldn't want to hurt my SO by admitting that what he's doing to me makes me feel used like a blowdoll. So I would put up a show, push these feelings away and I wouldn't be able to deal with them. I would just gradually become more and more unhappy and disconnected. With a stranger I wouldn't have this problem - I could walk away, feeling I have a good reason to hate him and deal with it. I think sex with a stranger would be easier to emotionally deal with. But this is just my personal opinion based on my experiences.

[M51]

I imagine sex with a stranger would be about the same as sex with a loved one. The difference being that the resulting sense of alienation and resentment is devastating when directed at a loved one, and acceptable when directed at a stranger.