square peg Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 After reading your post though, I'm thinking maybe it's not actually about the abuse at all. Maybe it's about something else. I'd love to hear more about any of your feelings about this. It can't be abuse in my case. I imagine that would evoke similar sentiments from otherwise sexual people. It's not a feeling of being abused exactly, more of a disconnect and feeling like a fish out of water. Being made aware tangibly that they feel a way about you that you can't return, and don't know how to satisfy without it being painfully obvious that you're going by movie depictions for understanding of how it should go. So partly self-consciousness and guilt about my own lack of desire and spontaneity. And like someone else has said, not seeing a difference between the look in their eye and the look you get from dirty old men in the street, which is creepy and I'm sorry - does make them seem suddenly like 'different people'. All this confusion and anxiety swirled around inside my head just because of a kiss. :roll: So sex is pretty much out of the question, which is a shame because I'd give it a try otherwise, as it's all physically in working order. Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Oh, yeah, that is true to. Not just the resentment and alienation afterwards (as I said before), but the sense that you have been completely left behind during the act. The sexual is going somewhere you can't follow. Which if it is a stranger that is not so bad, because you don't really care if you follow or not. But with someone who you long to have an intimate connection with, being "abandoned" (and I know sexuals don't see it that way but that is sort of how it feels for us) really hurts. For me in particular, I love cuddling and holding each other and some kissing, so it is building intimacy, feeling great, building trust, building intimacy, WHAM!!! Straight into abandonment, since my intimacy-building activities generally lead straight to sex for sexuals. It's like being offered an amazing piece of cake and then being punched in the face as soon as you take the first bite. Eventually you learn to just say no to the cake, and deal with the fact that your needs for intimacy will never be met. Link to post Share on other sites
scamper Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Oh, yeah, that is true to. Not just the resentment and alienation afterwards (as I said before), but the sense that you have been completely left behind during the act. The sexual is going somewhere you can't follow. Which if it is a stranger that is not so bad, because you don't really care if you follow or not. But with someone who you long to have an intimate connection with, being "abandoned" (and I know sexuals don't see it that way but that is sort of how it feels for us) really hurts. For me in particular, I love cuddling and holding each other and some kissing, so it is building intimacy, feeling great, building trust, building intimacy, WHAM!!! Straight into abandonment, since my intimacy-building activities generally lead straight to sex for sexuals. It's like being offered an amazing piece of cake and then being punched in the face as soon as you take the first bite. Eventually you learn to just say no to the cake, and deal with the fact that your needs for intimacy will never be met. I've been reading a lot of threads lately that deal with the idea of sex as an alienating/distancing/intimacy-destroying force, and it's been really hard for me to put myself into that frame of mind and really understand. I think part of the reason is that I never thought of it as a continuum along which you can be really enjoying something only to have it smacked out of your hand in an abrupt and hurtful way. It's that crossover from togetherness to solitude that I couldn't quite grasp, and I feel like I'm closer now. A few times in recent weeks I've read a post of yours and really thought "oh.... now I get it". So, thanks for the articulate posts! Here's a piece of cake: I promise no punching! Link to post Share on other sites
Freed_Spirit Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 wow M51!! The sexual is going somewhere you can't follow Spot on - concisely and perfectly put. I was out at my favourite band last night, and I watched couples making out and felt that way even about total strangers - they were headed off to a place I'll never be able to reach and it did make me feel a little sad. The pain when it is happening between you and the person you love most in all the world is indescribable.hey scamper I think we're meeting on the middle ground! I never understood why sexuals thought sex was so special and loving, until I came here and started reading posts from our awesome AVEN sexy angels. Now I get it!! I don't feel it, but I understand it. AVEN rocks my world. It is very strange, because I'm romantic and cuddly and snuggly and all those things suddenly lead to this act which leaves me thinking "where did that go wrong? we were getting on so lovingly and then you start doing this to me?" Huh. I really think the sexual/asexual divide is this chasm ... you're both going along just fine, growing closer and more loving and then WHAM falling down the cliff while the sexual person seems to be walking along on thin air, carrying on towards something you can no longer see. Being human is so interesting! for mutual understanding and support. Link to post Share on other sites
square peg Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 I really think the sexual/asexual divide is this chasm ... you're both going along just fine, growing closer and more loving and then WHAM falling down the cliff while the sexual person seems to be walking along on thin air, carrying on towards something you can no longer see. That's just what it's like! :) Link to post Share on other sites
WendyO Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Im back on AVEN after being gone a few months due to a transpacific move back to America with my family. Have been married to the same man for 24yrs and Im 44yrs old. Have never cheated on my husband but I think about it all the time. Guess some call it a fantasy. I call it being lonely. My ASexual husband almost never touches me in any manner. I get the occational fatherly peck on the lips when he goes to work in the morning. That ...describes the entire affection that I get from my husband. We have not had the act of sex in years. Husbaband tells me that Im still cute and have cherub cheeks. That Im nice and would reach out to anyone if in need. Im very clean, take daily showers, wear clean clothes, have an education and take super care of our kids. My husband does like me but he just cant touch me. I have deep pain in my soul over this, we dont connect anymore and our marraige is like a buisness relationship. He works, I take care of the home. My husband likes this arrangement and he would divorce me if I met with another man. I have so much to say but will keep this short. WendyO Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted August 20, 2007 Share Posted August 20, 2007 I'm sorry, Wendy. I know how hard it is. I'm 44, and that age adds a certain poignancy to the whole thing... a sense of vanished opportunities, of possibilities that are lost forever. Hugs and best wishes, -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
WendyO Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Chia, My heart is heaving just re-reading what I posted. Can I be the perfect little wife for the next 30 yrs? My husband now sleeps in another room in his own bed! My 12yr old son sees that we dont have romance anymore. I honestly do believe my Asexual husband does love me, it would kill him if I left him. He does not notice my sadness in this issue and he goes on every day. I do believe that his work satisifies him completely, success for him. Lonely wife at home. WendyO Link to post Share on other sites
frednsa Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Been sooooooooooooo long...............She's lovely in so many ways, just no interest and perhaps offended by sex in any form................I cry at night sometimes..........................no help...........................wish i could end it......................... Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Locking this thread, it is almost 6 years since the last post. You are welcome to start a new thread pertaining to this issue. Thanks. Lady Girl, Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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