married to an asexual

[Platy79]

I would first like to say hi to everyone out there.... I'm a little new at this whole asexual thing ...I am a sexual.. I'm female and have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now and only now finding out exactly why we have no sex life. Its a little tough just now finding out why( after 2 years)..I mean we have fought so many times over why he never wants to have sex. For so long I thought it was me.. But now I know the whole reason. I have to admit that its hard to hear. I mean I love him with all my heart and will support him always. My question is, how do I deal with my sexual feelings, I mean I love having sex, but I can't have it with my husband because he doesn't like it. I can masterbate, but really that gets old after awhile. I'm still in my mid 20's and have a huge sex drive... where do we go from here??? If anyone has any advice for me please, I'm open to anything that can keep us both happy. :?:

[FleaMarket]

I;m sorry that I dont have any advice, I'm not married yet, but I'm having a similar problem (all be it different in alot of ways) I wanted to say that I'm also interesting in hearing advice for this.

-Flea Out

[Sweetsleep]

I'm REALLY sorry you found after you got married. I have exactly the same problem, except I am the asexual one and my husband is sexual ... I am also in my mid 20's and hearing that you have a huge sex drive I guess is a bit shocking to me. I don't have much of one, if at all. I feel horrible because my husband does ...

I'm sorry i don't know what to tell you. I love my husband but we have been married more than 3 years and pretty never have sex. When we try, it fails (inevitably) and I feel horribly sick. I think our relationship with soon end even though it makes my heart feel like its tearing. I don't want us to be unfair to each other. He deserves someone who can make him happy and I deserve a soulmate, not a sex mate...

Other people on here have said that couples like this can work out, I don't believe it and I don't see how :roll:

I hope you can make it work!

[just me]

Im new to this site but I feel like Im not new at all. If you find any answers please let me know Ive been married now for quite some time ...I also found out afterwards that there was a problome. Most days Im bitter but I work on putting my feelings aside to benfit my husband. I know how much it hurts to lay in bed wondering if maybe tonight he might touch you.... or maybe the next night. I can relate to it getting old masterbating.. last year we didn't have sex once!!! Once !!!! Crazy if you know me Im the most sexual person there is!!! I know that after a year of not having sex not feeling someone touch you except for a peck kiss its hard to imagine them wanting you enough to make you able to please yourself. Please tell me any wise answers you get I don't have any & i don't think my marriage although so strong will make it another year & that is my worst nightmare since Im so in love & sexually turne onto a man who could give a shit.

[AmyMorgan]

There's been some advice earlier that I'm going to borrow and insert here:

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he can tolerate sex (even if he doesn't like it) ask him how he would feel if perhaps he would be willing to have sex with you if you'd do something really nice for him in return (cook him his favorite dinner or do something else that he really likes that you're not nuts about). Successful relationships often require a lot of compromise. Try to be sensitive about it (especially if he has other reasons why he might not enjoy sex), but be honest.

[zyralm]

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[just me]

Ok Im not sure if Ive followed the recommendations correctly but it seems that the general idea is compromising- not hard to understand if you were dealing with two individuals that could both mentally and physically perform the tasks being compromised on. BUT Suggesting that a sexual person cook the asexual dinner in return for sex doesn't seem like a fair compromise. Further suggesting that we shouldnt have any expectations- thats absurd. The idea of compromise is that you both get what you compromised on in return. Why cook the fucking dinner then?

By not holding onto your expectations and being disappointed you enable the asexual to call the shots again. This enables them to remove themselfs from haing to feel yet once again.

How many times would you suggest that you ask the sexual inividual to keep offering themselves and voluntarily get denied ( since they had no expecations) do you think the sexual person would keep cooking the dinner without getting laid? I personally think that they would need to have expectations to continue to cook it.

[Cate Perfect]

I'm not sure I understand why you'd bother discussing a compromise if you wouldn't then hold the asexual to the deal...

Something I've always been curious about (I'm not trying to be insulting, I promise) is how a couple gets to the point of marriage without discussing sex. Was it not a problem prior to marriage? Or did you think getting married wouldn't fix the problem? I have similar questions for people who get married and then get ticked off when their mate has differing views on children or money--how did it not come up before?

So, you're in a mixed marriage... I suppose it comes down to how the asexual feels about sex (just indifferent or repulsed) and how important sex is to the sexual. It's not fair to ask a repulsed asexual to put up with something they find repellent, but it's not fair to ask a sexual person who derives a great deal of self esteem from being sexually desired to forego that for the rest of his or her life, either. Are there certain acts the asexual is more comfortable with? What's the least amount of sexual attention the sexual partner can have an still value the relationship?

You should also talk about what sex means to each of you. And do that 'I' speech. where you never say, 'you'. Like this:

Asexual: I feel really unloved when I'm asked to engage in behaviour I find uncomfortable/distateful/pointless. I feel as though the only interesting thing about me is my body, which makes me feel unappreciated. I get nervous by simple affection because I think I might be asked to engage in sex when I only wanted to be close.

Sexual: I feel unloved and unattractive when I do not receive sexual attention. I wonder what's wrong with me and what I could do differently or better in order to earn affection. I express love through physical acts and I feel I am not allowed to express how I feel, which makes me frustrated.

One thing I strongly suggest is for the sexual (after discussing it in depth) to not bring it up again for some time. Nothing will put off an asexual more than a person going, 'So, are we having sex now? What about now? Now? ... NOW? When?' I know that with several asexuals, once they were allowed to not be interested they were more willing to experiment. Simply having permission to be themselves was enough.

[Naria]

am a 46 year old asexual female married to a very sexual male. I love my husband with all of my heart. We have stuggled many times over the sex issue . I do have sex with him but I can take it or leave it. He is very hurt that I don''t desire him in this way. Recently we have discovered polyamory. In otherwords my husband has sexual relations with other women with my blessing. The other ladies know that we are married and they are ok with it. Everything is on the up and up. There is no secrete to anyone about our marriage. This is not for everyone but if you have a strong enough relationship with your partner it can be very satisfying. When my husband has been with another women and he comes home he is in such a great mood and treats me with the upmost respect. Also I get great pleasure in seeing him happy. Hope this helps!')

[sonofzeal]

am a 46 year old asexual female married to a very sexual male. I love my husband with all of my heart. We have stuggled many times over the sex issue . I do have sex with him but I can take it or leave it. He is very hurt that I don''t desire him in this way. Recently we have discovered polyamory. In otherwords my husband has sexual relations with other women with my blessing. The other ladies know that we are married and they are ok with it. Everything is on the up and up. There is no secrete to anyone about our marriage. This is not for everyone but if you have a strong enough relationship with your partner it can be very satisfying. When my husband has been with another women and he comes home he is in such a great mood and treats me with the upmost respect. Also I get great pleasure in seeing him happy. Hope this helps!')

I've heard that idea before, and there's a lot going for it. One potential problem though is that for many sexuals, sex is a "drawing closer" thing, any there's a strong possibility of that physical intimacy with other women turning into emotional/romantic intimacy with them. And while some people are sincerely polyamorous, most arn't, and being in a deep romantic relationship with one person will diminish from their capacity to have those feelings for another person. Basically, what I'm saying is there's a significant danger of the partner who's allowed to fool around losing interest in the origional relationship.

I've no reason to believe there arn't a select few who are capable of full romantic feelings for multiple people at the same time though, so it might work for you in the long run too. Here's hoping.

[ChesterCopperpot]

When my wife and I were dating I knew she didn't really care for sex. She was saving herself for marriage, and I respected that. I imagined things would change when we got married, but they didn't. We have now been married for 5 years and she has only come-on to me a handful of times. Each time were when we were trying to have children.

Is it normal for asexual women to want to have children?

I sympathize with all of you out there who are in relationships similar to mine. It's great to have a community to go to.

Chris

[sonofzeal]

When my wife and I were dating I knew she didn't really care for sex. She was saving herself for marriage, and I respected that. I imagined things would change when we got married, but they didn't. We have now been married for 5 years and she has only come-on to me a handful of times. Each time were when we were trying to have children.

Is it normal for asexual women to want to have children?

I sympathize with all of you out there who are in relationships similar to mine. It's great to have a community to go to.

Chris

There have been several threads about this before, and while I have my suspicions that the number of asexual women who want children may be noticably below average, they do indeed exist, and there are a few who frequent this forum.

Many consolations on your situation though, it isn't always easy adjusting to that.

[Brodertun]

When my wife and I were dating I knew she didn't really care for sex. She was saving herself for marriage, and I respected that. I imagined things would change when we got married, but they didn't. We have now been married for 5 years and she has only come-on to me a handful of times. Each time were when we were trying to have children.

Is it normal for asexual women to want to have children?

I sympathize with all of you out there who are in relationships similar to mine. It's great to have a community to go to.

Chris

There have been several threads about this before, and while I have my suspicions that the number of asexual women who want children may be noticably below average, they do indeed exist, and there are a few who frequent this forum.

Many consolations on your situation though, it isn't always easy adjusting to that.

**raises hand**** Asexual female who wants children here

(though only adopted. While the idea of preganancy isn't the least bit tempting, the reason I wanted adopted is I think its morally irreprehensible to deliberately attempt to bring a child into this world when there are already millions here who don't have loving parents.)

[ChesterCopperpot]

I think adopting is socially responsible as well, although there is something so special about looking at my daughter, and seeing all of these traits in her that she received from me. She is about 98% me :).

I have alot to figure out about all of this yet. I have alot to talk about with my wife... I imagine we will try to get some counseling. I mentioned that before and she didn't take it very well, so I'll try to approach this time a little differently.

Chris

[Shadow girl]

My question is, how do I deal with my sexual feelings, I mean I love having sex, but I can't have it with my husband because he doesn't like it. I can masterbate, but really that gets old after awhile. I'm still in my mid 20's and have a huge sex drive... where do we go from here??? :?:

There are plenty of ways to do this but you just have to see what works best for you. Get creative.

[Sunnylady]

I am a first time poster. I have been married to an asexual male for 16 years and I am a sexual female. This is a second marriage and my first marriage, while miserable, was mutually sexual.

How can one know before marriage? I think there are signs that we ignore. I look back and know I did. We had sex, but it was odd. I almost got this feeling that he did it how he "thought he should" or that he was somehow pretending. Anyway, it was strange in many ways.

We have no had sex in ten years. Many folks may be startled that we are still married and happily so. I do not have affairs.

We have a deep and true love for one another and most of our married friends wish they had the marriage we do. Of course, they have no idea.

[Sunnylady]

I am a first time poster. I have been married to an asexual male for 16 years and I am a sexual female. This is a second marriage and my first marriage, while miserable, was mutually sexual.

How can one know before marriage? I think there are signs that we ignore. I look back and know I did. We had sex, but it was odd. I almost got this feeling that he did it how he "thought he should" or that he was somehow pretending. Anyway, it was strange in many ways.

We have no had sex in ten years. Many folks may be startled that we are still married and happily so. I do not have affairs.

We have a deep and true love for one another and most of our married friends wish they had the marriage we do. Of course, they have no idea.

I wanted to add that I do not have advice for you. What works for us will not work for all. I decided to opt to stay with my soulmate. Others mileage will vary.

[A-Team Member]

Hi Troy,

Have you and your wife tried couples and or individual counseling? If she perceives her disinterest in sex as solely "your" problem I can understand that she may not be willing to attend couples' therapy session, however, if you are interested in trying to save your marriage, perhaps you can seek counseling. I mean no disrespect or anything, a complet stranger making such a suggestion, but you cannot change your wife and chances are she'll resent it if you "tried" and then she'd be even more resistant and reluctant to see your point of view. Individual counseling for yourself could help you better cope with your feelings toward her and in a safe environment you could express your frustrastions, dissapoint, anger. . .etc.

Also maybe you'd be able to discuss with a therapist other things you could do to establish non-sexual intimacy and reconnect with your wife. If your wife is open to cuddling or touching without it leading to sex you could do that for a while, to reconnect emotionally. Speaking for myself, and the few times I've been comfortable enough with men, I'm a bit more comfortable with touching and caressing if I know my s/o isn't expecting things to escalate every time, this hasn't happened much and the guys I've dated become frustrated. So I know it must be hard hard for you, I commend you for your patience with your wife and your willingness to understand her point of view.

[crazyjerseygirl]

Ok, im not a big fan of the whole, "ill do this for you and then you have sex with me" thing that seems to be suggested at times.

As with all marital problems communication is prolly the best way to go. First introduce your SO to AVEN or another website that focuses on asexuality to make sure this is what they are feeling. Some asexuals dont even know they are asexual, many just think that there is something wrong with them.

If he is an asexual, you may have to help him become comfortable with that discovery. It may be a 'eureka!' moment, he may be scared, a bit freaked out ect. Once he is comfortable with who he is have a good long chat about sexuality in your marriage. A compromise of sorts may be able to be reached, but avoid the whole 'trade-off' thing.

Im totally convinced that two people who love each other and are patient can survive in marriage even when one is asexual. As for any advice beyond that, well i dont know how traditional your marriage is so I am hesitant to advise.

Introduce him to this site, we'd love to have him.

TTFN

Renee'

P.S. welcome for all the newbies in this thread!

[MaraKarina]

am a 46 year old asexual female married to a very sexual male. I love my husband with all of my heart. We have stuggled many times over the sex issue . I do have sex with him but I can take it or leave it. He is very hurt that I don''t desire him in this way. Recently we have discovered polyamory. In otherwords my husband has sexual relations with other women with my blessing. The other ladies know that we are married and they are ok with it. Everything is on the up and up. There is no secrete to anyone about our marriage. This is not for everyone but if you have a strong enough relationship with your partner it can be very satisfying. When my husband has been with another women and he comes home he is in such a great mood and treats me with the upmost respect. Also I get great pleasure in seeing him happy. Hope this helps!')

Hi Naria,

I'm a sexual married to an asexual, and at some point my husband suggested that I should go ahead and find someone else for sex.

Now, for me it is never sex only, it is sex with my soulmate or no sex, and there's always lacking in closeness with my soulmate without sex. I feel that the closeness I used to share with my husband is no longer that close, and now I am indeed in the catch 22-situation dangling between doing all possible to stay with my husband or risk it by finding another man.

Because it is really not the sex-only thing. It is very important, but it is only important in a real close relationship, and lacking then, this relationship just doesn't move to the - it sounds odd, but I really don't know how to put it - one flesh-status.

In that sense, I wonder how you and your husband deal with him having sex with other women. Is that really just the physical part?

[llamawho]

I got married when I was 22, right out of college, to my boyfriend of 2/12 years. Neither of us were virgins when we got together (we each had one prior sexual experience) and we had sex about 3 months into the relationship. We then had sex fairly regularly for the next year and a half, although not so regularly as most of my friends. I found it comforting that I had met a guy that wasn''t completely into sex, but also was into talking, cuddling, and just having fun. Then we stopped having sex. I remember the last day we had it. We were engaged by then. At first it didn''t seem like a big deal . . . the days, weeks, months just slipped by. I convinced myself that we were just taking a hiatus so that when we made love on our wedding night it would be like the first time. Expect we didn''t have sex on our wedding night. Or any night thereafter. As time passed, I would bring the subject up and my husband would accuse me of being mean. He said that if I ever wanted to have sex again, then I would just leave the problem alone and it would resolve itself. In the meatime, he showed no sexual interest in me, even though he would sleep naked next to me and kiss me (albeit in a rather platonic manner). I never discussed this with anyone because I was embarassed and thought it was my fault. I cried a lot because I thought I would never have sex again . . . no one would ever want me or hold me or touch me passionately ever again. I suggested we seek therapy, but he wouldn''t even talk to me about it. This went on for 6 years. Finally, I couldn''t deal with it anymore. He wouldn''t have sex with me and wouldn''t talk to me about it. We are now divorced and he''s in a new relationship. They just got engaged and he is having sex with her and is "enjoying it." I feel like hitting him with a stick, he harmed me so much. The first time I had sex after we separated was very traumatic. I was embarrassed and scared and unsure. It''s taken a long while to feel comfortable with myself and my sexual needs and I''m angry that he did this to me.

[sonofzeal]

Wow.... that's rough. Judging by his attitude, my first guess would be erectile dysfunction, and that the comments about him with his new girl were either a bluff, or he finally got help for it.

I'd call what he did to you emotional abuse. Beyond not fulfilling your sexual needs, he completely disregarded your side of the issue and your feelings as a human being. I believe you were right to leave him, and I have to ask: why not sooner?

[llamawho]

Yeah, I don't really think it was erectile dysfunction, as he would masturbate on a a fairly regular basis (2-3 times a week). I"d ask him why he would do this but not have sex with me and he'd say it was "easier."

And I don't think he's lying about having sex with his new girl, I just think that he's repressing and lying to himself. I think the same problems are going to crop up in their relationship that cropped in ours, once he realizes he can't pretend anymore.

As for why I didn't leave him earlier, I don't know exactly. I was scared of being alone and of failing. I thought it was my fault and that no one would find me attractive. I didn't want to be divorced in my twenties. I'd been convinced by him that I was wrong for making sex such a "big thing." But I finally started talking to people about my situation and realized this was my life and the problem was bigger than the lack of sex. It was the lack of respect and the lack of compassion.

But it still hurts. . .

[YuiPweeLi]

i guess posting here won't really help since i'm still a virgin and all that, and dont have a lot of experience on this type of thing. but reading these posts has really made me start to think. that communication is very important. as for me, my relationship is becoming increasingly sexual and i dont know what to do except to tell him that i'm asexual and all my views on sex, so if it ever goes that far, he'll be knowledgable as to how i feel.

no one should disreguard someones feelings, whether they are asexual or sexual. it wouldnt be fair for me to not understand that my boyfriend is sexual and accept that its not only lustful but also emotional and physological to him as well. and it wouldnt be fair of him to not accept that because i dont want intercourse doesnt mean im dont want to be with him or that he's not good enough.

i guess my point is, understanding each other is the most important thing, at least to me, when it comes to sex. just because you're in a relationship with an asexual doesnt mean that they'll never give you the pleasure of human touch, and just because you're dating a sexual person doesnt mean you be pressured into pleasuring them.

its all based on an individuals sexuality, everyone has different limits and different needs.

[LavaLamp]

There's been some advice earlier that I'm going to borrow and insert here:

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he can tolerate sex (even if he doesn't like it) ask him how he would feel if perhaps he would be willing to have sex with you if you'd do something really nice for him in return (cook him his favorite dinner or do something else that he really likes that you're not nuts about). Successful relationships often require a lot of compromise. Try to be sensitive about it (especially if he has other reasons why he might not enjoy sex), but be honest.

I have to honest and say that if my partner asked this of me ... I would not be happy. Everyone is different however and I can understand that this could work for some people. I don't have any sugesstions or solutions, but that would feel like pressue to me and that is not cool.

I have said this before (sorry to repeat) my body is my body ... I have major issues with someone wanting to use it for their satisfaction. I know I know ... sex is about two people ... but I don't think I see it that way.

All the best with your relationship ... I hope you can make it work

[Manathane]

There's been some advice earlier that I'm going to borrow and insert here:

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he can tolerate sex (even if he doesn't like it) ask him how he would feel if perhaps he would be willing to have sex with you if you'd do something really nice for him in return (cook him his favorite dinner or do something else that he really likes that you're not nuts about). Successful relationships often require a lot of compromise. Try to be sensitive about it (especially if he has other reasons why he might not enjoy sex), but be honest.

I have to honest and say that if my partner asked this of me ... I would not be happy. Everyone is different however and I can understand that this could work for some people. I don't have any sugesstions or solutions, but that would feel like pressue to me and that is not cool.

I have said this before (sorry to repeat) my body is my body ... I have major issues with someone wanting to use it for their satisfaction. I know I know ... sex is about two people ... but I don't think I see it that way.

All the best with your relationship ... I hope you can make it work

Agreed... I would be even less willing to compromise if someone asked me that question, like sex was equatable to dinner, or nothing really important. If I'm going to compromise, I'm going to be the one to come out and say it.

[sonofzeal]

I have to honest and say that if my partner asked this of me ... I would not be happy. Everyone is different however and I can understand that this could work for some people. I don't have any sugesstions or solutions, but that would feel like pressue to me and that is not cool.

I have said this before (sorry to repeat) my body is my body ... I have major issues with someone wanting to use it for their satisfaction. I know I know ... sex is about two people ... but I don't think I see it that way.

All the best with your relationship ... I hope you can make it work

Agreed... I would be even less willing to compromise if someone asked me that question, like sex was equatable to dinner, or nothing really important. If I'm going to compromise, I'm going to be the one to come out and say it.

While I can understand what you're saying... it seems to me that it's tantamount to making the sexual partner seem like the villian for even suggesting that they have needs that need to be filled, and to even try to work towards a mutually beneficial solution. How exactly is that supposed to strengthen the relationship?

[Manathane]

I have to honest and say that if my partner asked this of me ... I would not be happy. Everyone is different however and I can understand that this could work for some people. I don't have any sugesstions or solutions, but that would feel like pressue to me and that is not cool.

I have said this before (sorry to repeat) my body is my body ... I have major issues with someone wanting to use it for their satisfaction. I know I know ... sex is about two people ... but I don't think I see it that way.

All the best with your relationship ... I hope you can make it work

Agreed... I would be even less willing to compromise if someone asked me that question, like sex was equatable to dinner, or nothing really important. If I'm going to compromise, I'm going to be the one to come out and say it.

While I can understand what you're saying... it seems to me that it's tantamount to making the sexual partner seem like the villian for even suggesting that they have needs that need to be filled, and to even try to work towards a mutually beneficial solution. How exactly is that supposed to strengthen the relationship?

True, I see what you're saying. But I would still be even less willing to compromise if they said it. It would make me feel as though sex didn't mean much. I'm not interested in sex, so of course it is a meaningless concept to me - however, if it's that hard for me to compromise, then of course it means a lot in some strange way. Does that make sense?

[sonofzeal]

True, I see what you're saying. But I would still be even less willing to compromise if they said it. It would make me feel as though sex didn't mean much. I'm not interested in sex, so of course it is a meaningless concept to me - however, if it's that hard for me to compromise, then of course it means a lot in some strange way. Does that make sense?

I think I see your point. However, I don't see the sexual partner barganing for it as trivializing it in any way. Seeing as how it's important to them, they want it, and are trying to demonstrate a willingness to sacrifice in order to get it - to stay silent about the issue minimizes its importance more than offering something in exchange, imo.

Maybe there's a better approach though - how would you want your sexual partner to approach the issue? Or rather, if you were the sexual partner with an asexual, how would you approach them about it?

[LavaLamp]

I have to honest and say that if my partner asked this of me ... I would not be happy. Everyone is different however and I can understand that this could work for some people. I don't have any sugesstions or solutions, but that would feel like pressue to me and that is not cool.

I have said this before (sorry to repeat) my body is my body ... I have major issues with someone wanting to use it for their satisfaction. I know I know ... sex is about two people ... but I don't think I see it that way.

All the best with your relationship ... I hope you can make it work

Agreed... I would be even less willing to compromise if someone asked me that question, like sex was equatable to dinner, or nothing really important. If I'm going to compromise, I'm going to be the one to come out and say it.

While I can understand what you're saying... it seems to me that it's tantamount to making the sexual partner seem like the villian for even suggesting that they have needs that need to be filled, and to even try to work towards a mutually beneficial solution. How exactly is that supposed to strengthen the relationship?

And I totally understand your point as well. However ... if you are comprimising what you believe in to satisfy your partner's needs, I don't think that would strengthen the relationship either. I know that my partner would not feel comfortable asking me to do something that I really didn't want to.

I dunno ... it can seem so complicated. Because I don't like sex ... it is so incredibly hard for me to understand why it is such as big deal. I am trying to see the other side ...

I think it is awesome to share these thoughts with people that really understand. Thanks everyone. :D

LL