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I'm not perfect but I'm trying....


lovehisexile

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lovehisexile
Hello! First off, let me say how happy I am to have found this forum. I'm not particularly familiar with asexuality but I was at least cognizant enough to start googling around for forums.....


I am a 22 year old female, and my fiance is a 26 year old male. We have been together nearly three years and he is my soul mate and the absolute love of my life. He makes me so happy every day of my life and is constantly showing me love, attention, and bestowing upon me so much sweetness, warmth, and absolute light. He spoils me to death, lavishes me with cuddles, kisses, hugs, kind words, doting, and gentleness which is why I feel so guilty about the sex issue. He's perfect in every way and perfect for me in every way, and I don't even like to count this as an issue - but, sometimes the fact that he doesn't want me hurts. It hurts because I feel that I'm being selfish (because no one is truly perfect and you can't have someone without a flaw) and it hurts because I so long

to feel wanted and desired.


He is always there for me so I want so very much to be there for him. I usually am and do my best to quell my own desires and to let it go, but, every now and then, I feel a bit sad over the lack of sexual intimacy.


The beginning of our relationship was very passionate, and intimate. My partner had disclosed to me he hadn't been with anyone in a number of years, so, intimacy was relatively frequent and I was sure that it would continue to be that way for the remainder of our relationship. As time went on, sexual interactions decreased more and more, and I began to fear that I was the cause. Minor disagreements would crop up and they would all revolve around the eternal issue of - sex. I felt that I was unattractive, and unwanted, and would voice this to my partner who would assure me it was the contrary. He would tell me, and still tells me, that just laying in bed together, cuddling and talking, fulfills him far more than sexual intimacy does. (The stereotypical woman's dream, I know.) I would be touched by this, as I still am, and cuddle into his side with acceptance but every now and then the nagging

self-doubt would get to me, and I would approach him again, as delicately as possible. Holding my tongue for weeks at a time, I would probably be more aggressive than I meant to be, and he would become hurt, and confused as to why I can't be fulfilled with our platonic/romantic intimacy. He would be annoyed that I couldn't let the issue go, but would validate my frustration and despair as best he could by repeating to me what he always does, namely that, "I'm beautiful, and he loves me so much, etc" I know it's true, so, with time, I've let go of the desire for sex as much as I can. I try to be as patient as possible, but, it's hard.


I've brought up asexuality with him, and he validated it, to a degree. He doesn't masturbate, doesn't find anyone else attractive, don't feel the physical impulse for sex, rolls his eyes (though I do too) at sex scenes on television, doesn't like when I dress in an overtly sexualized fashion, and has often expressed that he just, "isn't good at it." He's also told me a number of times that the desire for him has just decreased over the years and at this point in the relationship, he prefers what we have.


As I stated, he prefers the finer points of intimacy (kisses, hugging/cuddling, etc.) I try to validate him as much as I can, but it never seemed to help. He just isn't particularly interested and every night, there is always a reason why intimacy just isn't possible.


For me, my sole gain from sex is being wanted/needed. I love the feeling it instills and it is generally the substantive portion of my arousal. So please, do not advise me to masturate, I have no interest or desire in doing so. I just want to be loved and appreciated by my partner in a sexual fashion from time to time.As a whole, I always imagined that my sexual drive can match my partner's. I would be satisfied by several times a week or once every two weeks. Well, once every four months or more is a bit more difficult for me to adapt to. My sex drive is generally average to high but with patience and understanding, I've curbed it and adapted to the fact that my partner just isn't interested so I need to get with the programme. However, there are days, I do get frustrated but mostly sad. As I expressed, I get guilty, I feel guilty for even making this thread because I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him by prodding him which I know I do without even meaning to with offhand comments. He has expressed that the prodding makes him

want it even less and I try not to talk about it but as expressed, it's either let it go or keep trying and I'm still in the keep trying stage.

However, I feel if I keep silent, I will never be intimate again which is an uncomfortable realization. I'm trying to deal with it,

but it's easier said than done. (Also, please don't suggest an open relationship. I am a possessive partner as is he, and I have no interest in that as well.)


I'm in a tough stage because I know trying hurts him, and he feels as if I'm not satisfied and fulfilled by our relationship and that I'm unhappy which couldn't be further from the truth. All I want is to do what I can to help him, and if I can't, I want to stop, so he understands that I'm lucky and pleased to be with him no matter what.



I think the issue is compounded by the fact that I became sexually active at 18, and my other partner really wasn't interested in sex either so I have this firm notion in my head that there is something wrong with me. I'm just not attractive despite the fact that other people regularly deem me as such, including my partner. I just feel I have no sex appeal and of course, as a woman especially, it's not a great feeling. I'm trying to ignore societal pressures and chalk the majority of my despair to that, but, I know sometimes, I really do just desire that closeness that is not given.


I've suggested going to a doctor (for a physical check-up) and my fiance becomes silent when I broach the subject. Honestly, it's getting to the point where broaching the lack of sex is such a routine subject that he reacts with boredom and brushes it away. I don't blame him, since it's a circular conversation that always ends with his heartfelt reassurances and my reluctant acceptance. I've tried to ask him multiple times what I should do to appear more desirable, but, he always tells me it isn't me and there's nothing I can do. So, what should I do? Being the aggressor doesn't work too well for he usually reacts with amusement, and I, with dread as I generally prefer being pursued. I've decided that he is asexual and knowing this has definitely helped with my self-esteem and acceptance though, of course, there are kinks.


So I guess I'm here to ask what I always ask about everything in my life - How can I be a better partner? How can I reach a higher level of understanding? How can I stop myself from pressing this issue? Is it better to let and go and embrace full acceptance that sexual intercourse just isn't meant to be for me in this life? (And how do I realize not being wanted shouldn't mean just letting myself go, since, well he doesn't care how I look....)


I know this is all over the place, but, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out. Any advise geared towards honing my acceptance is appreciated. He is my best friend, teacher, cheerleader, soul mate, and the love of my life and I simply couldn't live without him nor would I want. Sex isn't that important. So help me try to remember that more often....

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Hi and welcome to the site. A lot of your feelings and thoughts are similar to some I've had over the years. I can't really advise on how to accept what you have (and don't have) in your relationship because that seems to be something that each person has a different approach to. For me though, it came down to recognizing that my relationship isn't traditional and deciding if I could be happy in it. And that wasn't an entirely selfish approach as I knew if I wasn't happy, he probably wouldn't be either.

As for not letting yourself go...him not wanting you in a sexual way doesn't equal him not caring about how you look (your inner and outer beauty might be something he really appreciates). Caring about your own appearance means you respect yourself and take the time to think about how you want to appear on the outside. At least that's what bothering to look nice means to me.

You might not be able to stop pressing the issue until or unless it becomes a non-issue. That seems to be the way people are in a relationship. If something relationship related is bothering one or the other person, they usually express that in some way. How you express it is something you can control...like being considerate of his feelings too (as you mentioned...the aggression aspect).

I'm sure I didn't answer all your questions, but maybe some of this will help in some way.

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