‘Objective’ measurements of attractiveness are harmful in dating

[Sugar-Tea]

There’s a statement I'd like to discuss:

‘Objective’ measurements of attractiveness (like: the person needs to be skinny, taller than me etc.) are harmful in dating, as they often combine to an idealized picture of a perfect partner that does not exist, which clouds your judgement of potential partners. This leads to situations where you turn away potential partners that may actually be compatible with you, even if you think they’re not (or don't want them to be).

Optional read: the long (whiny) story that led to this statement…

A couple of days ago I had a date. I didn’t really know the guy, as the whole thing was set up by a friend, but this friend thought we’d be a good match and I was feeling quite hopeful about the whole ordeal. I even felt like I was almost falling in love with just the idea of him, because I’d really like to experience romantic (and sexual) attraction and eventually have a relationship, and he sounded suitable. I’ve dated before but it never worked out, so I really, really wanted it to be different this time. And it wasn’t. The moment he started talking I just knew it was all pointless, as I didn’t find him physically attractive. It sounds superficial, but there are things about him I just can’t get around.

So ever since that disappointing day, the idea has been creeping up on me that I will always reject guys on the basis of pre-determined measurements of attractiveness, and that maybe if I did get to know them better, I might fall in love with them. Which means I should give the guy I had a date with a second chance, but I feel slightly repulsed with the idea. (Especially since the more dates you have, the more the other person starts to expect from you…) Now it needs to be said that I’ve tried this once before, ignore my initial knee-jerk ‘no, go away I don’t like you’ reaction and continue dating, but after four dates I gave that up too. Still, I feel I haven’t tried hard enough and that it’s my own fault I’m still single. I don’t trust my judgement of my recent date was fair and feel I need to be less superficial. But the feeling of disinterest at best, and repulsion at worst, that this person (and all other persons before him) evoke is not rational and not something one can just switch off.

[Zerο]

I've got a similar issue with my judgment of potential partners (and people), but the engineer in me magnifies it by like a thousand. At the end of the day I've resigned my perception to what it is and I've acknowledged that I'm going to miss out because of it.

[SithLord]

(second time I'm trying to comment so let's hope this isn't a duplicate post)

I don't think it's harmful or detrimental at all in dating. I think it's actually essential for most people.

Too many people I know or know of have "types" that they date and won't date. One of my friends only dates dudes with facial hair, mostly because he doesn't find dudes without it to be attractive. Same with one of my other friends and black dudes, she just doesn't find many non- black dudes attractive. I know if I was a certain weight, my bf wouldn't have asked me out. I know that even though I don't actively search people out, I also have a body type that I find most attractive and would find it hard to date someone who didn't fit that type. Another of my friends has a type that borders on racist with how specific he is.

[Homer]

There’s a statement I'd like to discuss:

‘Objective’ measurements of attractiveness (like: the person needs to be skinny, taller than me etc.) are harmful in dating, as they often combine to an idealized picture of a perfect partner that does not exist, which clouds your judgement of potential partners. This leads to situations where you turn away potential partners that may actually be compatible with you, even if you think they’re not (or don't want them to be).

First cent: These measurements are not objective because they describe your personal preferences.

Second cent: These measurements don't cloud your judgement, they're essential when it comes to picking out. They actually clear things up as they enable you to rule out some of the options.

I mean, you have to start somewhere to determine whether you like your date or not. Otherwise you will never manage to decide on anything because there might always be an upside that you didn't discover yet. If you're really looking for a SO that you spend (a part of) the only life you have with, you might well be as picky as you want. There's nothing wrong with that.

[Sugar-Tea]

First cent: These measurements are not objective because they describe your personal preferences.

You're right, objective isn't the right word, what I mean is pre-determined, semi-rationalized and consciouss measurements.

Too many people I know or know of have "types" that they date and won't date.

Second cent: These measurements don't cloud your judgement, they're essential when it comes to picking out. They actually clear things up as they enable you to rule out some of the options.

I mean, you have to start somewhere to determine whether you like your date or not. Otherwise you will never manage to decide on anything because there might always be an upside that you didn't discover yet. If you're really looking for a SO that you spend (a part of) the only life you have with, you might well be as picky as you want. There's nothing wrong with that.

Of course all people value the looks of a potential partners in one way or the other, and many have a 'type', but surely there's such a thing as being too critical? It feels like there is this point where judgement on the basis of a person's appearance and other more superficial characteristics gets too harsh, with the consequence that there are likely very few people in the world who would pass the test.