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Somara

How much do asexuals fake?

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Somara

I think I'm married to an asexual. I know he loves me, but there is no attraction.

My question is how well do asexuals fake it?

If you are asexual do you or have you ever had sex just to prove to others or yourselves that you are "normal"? (don't be offended by the normal plz) Like trying to "fake" your way through a marriage?

I know my SO used to be quite promiscuous when he was younger so does that mean he isn't asexual? Could he have "developed" it later on?Was he "hiding" it? It must be hard to grow up feeling so different from others, so I am curious.

Are there any asexuals here that hide it from their SO's?

Are there varying degrees of being asexual? Or you just are or aren't?

(K I feel kinda stupid asking that one, like asking a gay person if they are just a little gay or all gay? But going to ask anyway :) )

I am also curious if anyone who is asexual has had substance abuse problems, because my SO has and I feel it's related. I also see that he used to try to be more "manly"...maybe to make up for what he thinks he lacks?

Sorry if i offened anyone, just curious and trying to understand my SO, and he refuses to talk about it.

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Dixie
I think I'm married to an asexual. I know he loves me, but there is no attraction.

My question is how well do asexuals fake it?

If you are asexual do you or have you ever had sex just to prove to others or yourselves that you are "normal"? (don't be offended by the normal plz) Like trying to "fake" your way through a marriage?

I know my SO used to be quite promiscuous when he was younger so does that mean he isn't asexual? Could he have "developed" it later on?Was he "hiding" it? It must be hard to grow up feeling so different from others, so I am curious.

Are there any asexuals here that hide it from their SO's?

Are there varying degrees of being asexual? Or you just are or aren't?

(K I feel kinda stupid asking that one, like asking a gay person if they are just a little gay or all gay? But going to ask anyway :) )

I am also curious if anyone who is asexual has had substance abuse problems, because my SO has and I feel it's related. I also see that he used to try to be more "manly"...maybe to make up for what he thinks he lacks?

Sorry if i offened anyone, just curious and trying to understand my SO, and he refuses to talk about it.

In my personal experience, I didn't "fake" it , I compromised to keep him happy because I really liked the guy and didn't want to ruin our great relationship(btw, it wasn't sex, it was tongue kissing, something I don't enjoy).

There are varying degrees of asexuality, to my understanding. There are some who don't like touching at all, and there are some who will do it all minus the sex. It really depends upon the person.

Did that help? I hope it did.

Btw, there is no such thing as a stupid question. :)

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M51

Housekeeping!

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sonofzeal

In answer to the "faking" question, it's quite possible for guys to fake climax, especially if they're wearing a condom, but I'm not sure if that's what Somara was asking.

One other thing I should say is that guys have much more pressure on them to be sexual than girls do. If society defines girls by their looks, it defines men by their virility. I never did it, but sleeping around is and always has been a status thing for guys. That could explain his earlier promescuity, or be a motive for him to exagerate it, as most guys do at some point.

And while asexuality may not be physically tied to performance, I have to imagine there's a large mental aspect to that. As previously states, male self-image is often caught up in sexuality issues - asexuality may change that, but may not. If it doesn't, at least for him, then that could explain a lot of what you've been talking about. He may see himself as "broken" or "defective", or a "freak" for not being into it like his drinking buddies, and substance abuse may be his escape mechanism. If so, some long hard conversations and possibly some councelling are in order. All this is speculative, but that's my opinion as a sexual male.

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Rabger
There are varying degrees of asexuality, to my understanding. There are some who don't like touching at all, and there are some who will do it all minus the sex. It really depends upon the person.

I disagree. What you like is a personal preference, not part of the orientation. If you are asexual, you are asexual.

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Orbit

As I think about this I wonder exactly what 'faking it' means. To a degree I would say I fake a lot of my reactions to other people. I am not naturally a smiling outgoing person, but I know it makes people feel more welcomed and loved when I smile. It's not natural for me to look someone in the eyes, but I know it establishes contact with the other person.

I do love people, and I do want contact, so in order to make sure THEY know this and that it happens, I have to make myself do things that aren't always natural or comfortable - especially when I'm grumpy. Just because I'm having a bad day doesn't mean I should snap or scowl at the poor guy in the grocery store who is being an idiot and leaving his cart in my way when I need to get by. ;)

When it comes to 'love making' I sort of take the same approach. It used to be that my husband wanted me to want him the way he wants me, but I could never fake that, and he's given up that expectation. But I love my husband and in order for him to feel loved sex has to be part of our relationship. Though I do like the snuggling and petting aspects of it... kissing and all the other stuff does not feel natural to me, anymore than looking someone in the eyes or smiling when I'm grumpy.

I wouldn't want to give them a 'fake' smile, but genuinely smiling in kindness even when something of a bummer is going on inside of me is possible.

I COULD just lay there, and sometimes that's all I can do, but in my mind that's as cold as leaving my face expressionless when I'm talking to someone. So I do push myself to do more and sometimes I repeat to myself 'this is how he expresses love' so that I don't let my mind wander and I remain a participant. While I will never fake orgasm (seems unnecessary since my husband doesn't need me to do it) I suppose you can say I'm 'faking it' to a degree.

But it's not the kind of faking where I roll over and I'm embittered because it wasn't real and he's oblivious and thinks I enjoyed it and he's all that. It's something I CHOOSE to do because I love my husband... Of course I'm married to a man who puts me on a pedastal and treats me like a princess, so it's not as difficult as it would be to be with someone who was using sex as a way to feel he was a stud or something. I truly believe he is showing his love to me this way and needs to do it to feel loved... and I don't want to deny him that just because I don't need that to feel loved.

Just as a disclaimer, my husband does quite a bit for me that I DO need him to do in order for me to feel loved - and not stuff that's natural to him either... our relationship is very balanced in that way.

I'm not sure I would call any of this true 'faking it' - it's just what people do when they love each other... they do what the other person needs them to do even if it's not something they are particularly natural and/or excited to do.

I think one of the problems with most relationships is that people are 100% nutural to a fault with their family members and partners. If they are pissy, they snap and snarl rather than trying to not take it out on each other. If they are sad and depressed, they mope and seclude themselves from the world - wallowing. It's been my experience that giving in to negative emotions - cursing and expressing anger in fits of rage or allowing yourself to become completely immobile when you're sad - actually feeds the emotions and makes them worse.

BUT if you can, if for nothing other than the people you love, reign in those negative emotions and do things you don't feel like doing for the sake of someone else, the bad feelings can go away. I'm not talking about plastering a fake smile on, but putting aside your own feelings and genuinely doing something for someone else - for me it can be playing with my kids when I'd rather be grumpy with my tea and the paper... After a few minutes even, I'm laughing and enjoying myself - out of the grump.

It's similar with sex with my husband - if I had my way I'd never do it and be fine, but when I do, I can enjoy it because he's enjoying it - and we are closer afterwards...

wow, this turned into an essay... hope it was of some worth. :P

hawke

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Shivers

In my experience, it wasn't possible to fake what I didn't enjoy. Matter of fact, I had trouble even forcing mnyself to do some of it. *

*your mileage may vary.

If I'm inuiting what your problem is correctly, is the problem that he doesn't tend to initiate sex, but seems to enjoy it when you two do so? (Feel free to tell me off if I'm prying.)

If indeed that is the case, I wouldn't worry too much about it; I'd be more inclined to suspect he simply has a low sex drive.

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derram

Ahhh, "Substance abuse problem" that offends me more than any of the asexual stuff (stupid war on drugs). Really depends what you would call a problem. Personally I smoke (MJ), usually everyday After work, but I've been too broke recently so its been a week since (my true addiction is anime, and just had a con a week ago) . And no, it's not the cause. I didn't start smoking till I was 18 and by then, at least by example, I should have been trying to bed anything remotely female.

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starrysky
As I think about this I wonder exactly what 'faking it' means. To a degree I would say I fake a lot of my reactions to other people. I am not naturally a smiling outgoing person, but I know it makes people feel more welcomed and loved when I smile. It's not natural for me to look someone in the eyes, but I know it establishes contact with the other person.

I'm not quoting the whole post, but I agree with everything hawke said. I don't consider that kind of thing faking it.

If I've had a bad day and my mom calls me to talk, I put on a happy face because I know that talking to me will probably be the highlight of her day and it makes her happy, and there's no need to take my bad day out on her. When we hang up, I can tell that she's happy to have talked to me, and it makes me happy that I could do that for her.

I don't consider that any different behavior than when I have sex with my husband. I'd never go as far as to fake an orgasm (I can and usually do have one, but I don't find it enjoyable). But I'm not faking that I love him and I like to make him happy. I consider it a compromise to keep a healthy relationship. Maybe he isn't particularly thrilled with sharing our household with 4 cats, but he compromises for me.

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Orbit

starrysky, Thanks so much for speaking up - there aren't many asexual women married to a sexual man who talk openly on the forums. It's good to know I'm not alone and someone understands the compromises I've made and keep making - (and how difficult it is sometimes)

hawke

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Somara

Thanks everybody for the responses, good to hear others opinions.

It all helped :)

I felt so frustrated & lost until I came to this site (first time I've heard of asexuality), still frustrated though LOL. Hopefully in time I can deal with this better and so will he. (Haven't had any luck getting him to look around here YET) I guess because this concept is so new a thought to me I am still having a hard time understanding that maybe he's not like this because he doesn't love me, or thinks i'm ugly etc. "sigh" I'm really worried about him though, I hate the thought of him going through life thinking somethings wrong with him, feeling like he's not "normal", I don't even think he would ever even admit he's asexual. This has to be so hard on some people :(

Thanks again!

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Elizabeth I
I am also curious if anyone who is asexual has had substance abuse problems, because my SO has and I feel it's related.

I have often wondered if there are certain personality types that might suffer from problems with substance abuse and a declining libido, that what might be mistaken for asexuality.

It's sort of a "chasing the dragon" thing, if you know what I mean. People become desensatized to drugs and require increasing amounts of them to achieve the euphoric "high" they had in the beginning. Sometimes they move on to more powerful drugs to achieve the desired effect, or combine drugs with other types of stimulation...like sex.

I think it's possibe for folks to be "chasing the dragon" sexually also. If your hubby was once extremely promiscious, he may have desensatized himself by persistant over stimulation. Maybe to the point where plain old normal sex just isn't all that interesting any more. He could become interested in really kinky stuff.....or just completely disinterested.

I think this happens a lot because of the fast -paced, sex-saturated culture we live in.

Or maybe it's just another one of my crazy theories

Lizzie

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deladangerous
If you are asexual do you or have you ever had sex just to prove to others or yourselves that you are "normal"? (don't be offended by the normal plz) Like trying to "fake" your way through a marriage?

I'm allergic to being fake. I cannot do it. I couldn't sleep with someone if I wasn't into it. I probably wouldn't allow the "physical activity" to get to that level in the first place.

I would rather remain unmarried and live alone for the rest of my life than try to fake my way through a marriage. It's not worth the trouble.

I know my SO used to be quite promiscuous when he was younger so does that mean he isn't asexual? Could he have "developed" it later on? Was he "hiding" it? It must be hard to grow up feeling so different from others, so I am curious.

I don't know him. It's hard to judge whether he's asexual based on just that. Asexuality's an orientation, though. You don't develop being gay. One doesn't develop being asexual, either.

Are there any asexuals here that hide it from their SO's?

I would never.

Are there varying degrees of being asexual? Or you just are or aren't?

Some of us have a sex drive but no desire. Some of us have no drive. Some of us have neither drive nor desire. The defining part of it is whether someone is sexually attracted to other people. Asexuals are not people who experience sexual attraction, as it is written on the front page. You can read the FAQ for more information on this.

I am also curious if anyone who is asexual has had substance abuse problems, because my SO has and I feel it's related.

Never. And I won't. Perhaps it's affected your SO. An orientation isn't caused by substance abuse, though.

I also see that he used to try to be more "manly"...maybe to make up for what he thinks he lacks?

I have not seen any asexuals on this site who try to play up their maleness or femaleness.

Nor have I really met any particularly "fake" asexuals. I hope that you do not get that impression from us. I also hope that you can at the very least take steps towards understanding your SO with what you can read on this site.

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SonicBoom830

i think that has to be a TRUE sign of love. above all else, if you can put your entire sexual orientation aside, just to make someone you care about happy, thats true love. i could never do that. sex...i physically couldnt do it. so, as far as im concerned, the "faking" isnt my game.

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Steel

I found myself faking it towards the end of my sexual career. I just could not get into it any more. it was about a month before my last sexual realtionship ended. And I just let that girlfriend go-we didn't have a lot more in common than the sex anyhow. She was dreadfully dull and boring overall-I felt ashamed of myself for even seeing her.

It's been about three years since I did that sort of thing (sex) with anyone-and I don't miss it. This is so much less a hassle to me. :D

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SonicBoom830

I wouldn't be able to fake it, as I would NEVER find myself in such a position. Wouldn't allow it. I'm far too awkward and socially inactive.

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egmontoverture
Asexuality's an orientation, though. ~deladesastre

I stumbled upon this site while googling and am rather intrigued by it--while I have never had sex, it is something I feel a lot of desire for and am tempted by a lot, so the concept of not feeling that desire is, as somebody said in another thread, about as likely to me as not feeling hungry. In my search for the right person I was once with somebody who would be intimate with me, for my sake, but never got any pleasure from it.

Clearly there is a range and there are outliers to any group, but my question is this: do the majority of asexuals feel a need to be in a one-on-one romantic relationship, and, if so, do they distinguish between one gender or the other? It almost seems (to me, the na:ive one) that an asexual relationship would be one that preferred exclusive friendship with someone else. I have always felt that my attraction to one gender or the other (in my case, females) was driven by sexual desire.

michael

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M51

(Swept)

I think in general asexuals are more open to either kind (hetero/homo) of relationship but many of us do have a distinct sexual preference.

There is a whole lot to an intimate relationship other than sex or physical intimacy, but it is hard to pinpoint and quanitfy. It is not just preferred exclusive friendship, it is so much more. Many sexuals have had both casual sex and deeply intimate sex. If the physical act is roughly the same, what makes the difference between the two kinds of sex? Clearly there is something more to it - and that is what an asexual relationship shares, minus the sex.

I think sexuals are too often so caught up on the physical symbolism of the intimacy of their relationship that they miss the actual content and expression of that intimacy, or they mistake it as a by-product of sex rather than as a by-product of love.

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Roofie

As SonicBoom830 said before, I don't think that I could possibly fake it. If I did something like that, the person receiving or doing whatever it is that they wanted, would absolutely know that I was not enjoying it and was uncomfortable.

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SonicBoom830
If I did something like that, the person receiving or doing whatever it is that they wanted, would absolutely know that I was not enjoying it and was uncomfortable.

100%

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LostPenguin
i think that has to be a TRUE sign of love. above all else, if you can put your entire sexual orientation aside, just to make someone you care about happy, thats true love.

That's where I'm conflicted. If being willing to 'sacrifice' your orientation, have sex with someone you love to make them happy is a sign of true love... Shouldn't the sexual understanding your orientation and being willing not to have sex with you be a sign of true love too?

I suppose a lot of people would say compromise is the midway point between the two, thus both are 'happy, but from everything I've read on this board, the majority of sexuals in relationships with asexuals who come here are unhappy about the limited amounts of sex in their relationship, and the asexuals are unhappy about having to have sex a certain amount of times per month/year/whatever. So both parties are unhappy to one extent or another.

I really don't get the whole compromising business at all...

Ah. Too off-topic. Sorry.

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