Older and trying to accept this

[Binny]

Hi everyone,

54 year old married man trying to figure this all out and looking to chat and discuss this with others here. Wish I had the Internet when I was younger. in my day you were either straight or homosexual. No idea of asexuality but i think it fits me. I still think I am broken and trying to fix things. Really trying to be okay with it all but this causes me anxiety and depression. Trying to accept this and move on with things.

Anyway, I look forward to meeting others with similar thoughts to discuss things with.

Tom

[Fire Monkey]

Welcome, Tom. You're in the right place. Come on down the 50's thread! We have cake.

[Binny]

Where is the fifties room? Duh me.

[Fire Monkey]

Here's a link to the most recent page.

[Techie]

Welcome! I turn 54 in a month. Never married or even tried. I always felt different and it wasn't until three years ago I finally learned I fit the definition of asexual. That pretty much solved what had puzzled me since I was a teen.

[Skycaptain]

Binny welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

[Nidwin]

Welcome Tom.

Feeling broken is what most of us felt for a very long part of our life. Take your time and don't try to push or force anything, meanwhile hang around here.

[Binny]

Hi,

Yes I will hang around here. Trying to figure all this out. I think the key to conquering anxiety and depression is accepting this and not thinking I am broken. Mi constantly think about my sexuality and in my mind try to figure out what gets me excited. Very little if anything. Then the cycle continues.

Yes I look forward to chatting with folk here.

[Tystie]

Hi Tom.

I can relate to the idea that the only options when you were younger were to be straight or homosexual. Finding this place has definitely helped me. I'm no longer questioning why I'm not like other people, and I no longer feel broken.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for here or, at the very least, have fun while you are looking.

Best wishes.

[Binny]

Hi Tystie,

Not sure but I will keep hanging around. Trying not to beat myself up over it.

Tom

[AmeliaJane]

Hi Tom

I'm married too - now separated. I tried to fit in the sexual world for years. I thought I was just a failure as a human being!

It's a process, the realisation that you are asexual, especially later in life. I am still going through the stages I think. I felt physically sick when I first found this site and it spelt out exactly how I had been feeling towards sex. I am slowly coming to terms with the idea.

I hope you find answers and wish you all the best (and also Cake!)

[touching-not-so-much]

Hey Tom, welcome! I echo the others here, and I like many closer to your age (I'm 42) grew up in a pretty "this or that" world, and asexuality was just a crappy chapter of homework we had to do in a science book. I found this place a few weeks ago and am now getting more and more used to the idea, and its sounding more and more like my jam.

I identify with your feeling broken (as does almost every single new person that posts here) and having anxiety and depression, though I don't know if the asexuality or the mental conditions caused one another or not.

I tried chat, I still go in now and then, though its mostly younger people and I feel a little out of place - but it's also good to see they're a lot like any other community or group of people. I've enjoyed some of the forum posts here like the "Asexual Moments" thread, those have some funny and all too familiar situations that are nonetheless pretty funny.

Anyway, just take your time, read a bit.

[teatree]

Haha, I tried the chat room too, when I first found this site, but it just moved too fast for me and I am a slower typist than many, I'm sure. I also like to reread what I'm going to post and edit if necessary.

When I found this site I actually felt elated--I couldn't believe that there were others who felt the same as I do! Everything just sort of fell into place and I feel the most comfortable with myself than I ever have before.

[Binny]

Yes, not sure what caused what first, my anxiety or orn this way. I am slowly coming to terms with it. Very slowly. It doesn't bother my wife. I think secretly she is enjoying me not bugging her for sex. In many ways wemaremultra compatible. I should be grateful for that.

One of my therapist would always end the session with you are not broken, he said so you don't like sex, so What! I asked when I would feel better and he said as soon as I realize there is nothing to fix. Good to know there are other out there like me.

Tried,chat room and it lots of young people on there.

[Cincinnatus]

Welcome Tom!

I'm 50 and I just found this site recently and discovered asexuality. I too thought I was broken, and even took to seeking medical solutions. At one point I even thought I might be in denial about being gay, even though I never really was attracted romantically to men. My last relationship ended over 10 years ago and have assiduously avoided romantic entanglements since. It was a cause of stress and feeling incapable/less than. Even though I am a generally happy/content person and do not suffer from depression, I was miserable always feeling like something was not right and that I would be a disappointment to my partner when I was in a relationship.

Finding this community was incredibly liberating. I suspect your therapist may be right and that while it may not solve all your problems, coming to terms with it will be a relief.

And yes, you should be grateful with your relationship with your wife! I have stated before on the forums that had I known about asexuality then and the resources were available that are now (yes, there are ace dating sites), I might have gone a different way. Again, I'm happy with my life, but I'll always wonder.

I hope the community here will be as much of a blessing for you as it has been for me.

[Binny]

Hi cincinnatis,

It is good to know there are others like me. I avoided dating and relationships when younger.m they caused me great anxiety and did not feel right. Sex was forced and afterwards I felt awful. Then I would think I was gay. I knew that wasn't me either but the voice in my head would tell me that. I personally partied my way through uniI pretending to be a stud without a girlfriend. Lied about things to buddies to fit in. One therapist told me to go to sex addicts anonymous as he said I was on the opposite end of the addict spectrum and to quit masturbating and my sexual desires would return. I went to a meeting and although I had low self esteem like them I could not relate to them obviously. The sex anorexic label implies that I a, broken and need to be fixed. Don't like that. There are no sex therapists around my area really and what are they going to do anyway.

Medically I have low testosterone and use gel. Doesn't help. Also physically I don't need Viagra. It works for lack of better words. It is just not what o expect it to be. I find myself checking women out all the time looking for a spark. And I think about sex all the time for whatever reasons.

It will take time to accept this. slowly and some days better than others for now. I think that is the key to reducing my anxiety. And trying not to over analyze things to death.

Tom

[jont]

Thanks to Binny for starting this thread. I've returned to AVEN after an absence of about a decade, if I remember correctly. Was busy with other things, but am now retired age 60 with time to reflect and think about what to do next.

Anxiety/depression about asexuality IMHO come from social expectations which we obviously fail to meet. That I don't have a partner seemed to bother other people more than it ever bothered me. But I'm now at an age where people don't expect me to change. In my teens/20s/30s I tried from time to time to do the dating thing, but mainly found it awkward. I lit no one else's fire, and they didn't light mine. Like others here, I sometimes wondered if I was gay. But there was no strong desire in that direction either. I've tried to be sexual with a woman and with a man, but could not become physically aroused, even though I have no problem by myself.

I have come to accept my asexuality. But it would be nice if it were easier to find companionship that would not inevitably lead in a sexual direction.

Looking forward to reading/discussing on these forums...

[StasiaOB]

Hi all,

You all sound like me...lol. That is what is so great about this site.

I always felt broken and like there was something wrong with me - thought I might be gay - but I am not.

I do still feel broken. Most likely b/c we don't advertise who we are so, it is very difficult to find a partner for companionship, cuddling, without the need for sex. I really want that but the majority of people are sexual so...it kind of makes me feel like I am not normal like everyone else...things would be easier if I were but I am not...it does get depressing which triggers my already existing depression! Lol.

I have a full life otherwise but I'm 46 this year and don't want to be alone anymore...would love to find someone. It can be frustrating but I did finally tell my close friends and family and they were cool about it. Sex is made out to be such a big deal in our society so it's hard when you're asexual to feel ok about it.

I also wonder sometimes if I am not exactly asexual but it is the only thing I "fit into" if that makes sense.

[newgirl]

StasiaOB,

I'm 46 year old too and I wish I was in a healthy relationship.

[StasiaOB]

Hi newgirl,

Yeah, me too. It's kind of become my new mission...lol. I have friends but they have busy lives too so, when I am looking to go do something, they aren't available. Certain things you can do alone - but I don't want to everything alone.

I love solitude and enjoy my own company but there are other times when you'd like someone around even to just hang with.

[ashpenaz]

All I can say is "ditto." I'm in my mid-fifties, and when I discovered asexuality two years ago, I found the language I'd always been searching for. I've been an outsider in both the GLBT and straight world, and now I know why. I've never had sex, and I don't see a situation where I would want to have sex. But I've had several profound queerplatonic relationships--now I know what they were! :) I'm going to continue to explore asexuality--I may even get a t-shirt!

[StasiaOB]

Oooooohhhhhhhh.....we have t-shirts?

[teatree]

Hey, StasiaOB...did anyone say welcome? I noticed that you are new, so wanted to be sure to say hi! (Oh yes, and offer !) And in what part of Mass. are you located?

[Fire Monkey]

Oooooohhhhhhhh.....we have t-shirts?

I got this one.

[StasiaOB]

Hi teatree - I actually joined and posted a year or two ago and then was MIA for a while and now I am back! Thanks - I am on the South Shore of Mass.

[Zima23]

Binny, your story sounds very familiar. I'm separated from wife of 25+ years. it confusing and frankly terrifying being alone without the companionship and closeness we shared, but the differing sex drives was a deal breaker for her. Keep on talking to those you trust about all this. it's when you stop talking and others stop listening that things can get truly dreadful. hang in there!!!