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"Love Languages"?


DangerFive

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DangerFive

There's apparently this concept that there are 5 "love languages" or different ways that people show love (e.g. Words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts). Okay, stay with me - I'm going to ramble a bit - I've never been able to figure out what mine is, but I thought, "hey, I think I experience romantic attraction, so I must MUST have a love language!" So, I decided to take the test to see what mine is. What an epic disaster! For most of the either/or options, neither of them fit, so I just picked the least bad of the two options. According to the test, my language is quality time. In reality - nope. So, I guess I don't have a love language. On a related ramble - I'm pretty sure that I'm aro or veeeeery close to the aro end of the spectrum, so I probably haven't experienced romantic attraction. (This actually makes me sad; I always thought I would fall in love and get married. It's taking me longer to grieve for the loss of this part of me than when I figured out my ace identify.) Anyway, do you think there's a connection between being aro and not having one of these "love languages?"

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Squirrel Combat

Probably. I don't really know which would be mine either. I guess I always figured everybody "spoke" a little of all the above, but I guess this isn't the case?

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SorryNotSorry

Strange, all I ever heard anyone tell ME in "love language" is GO TAKE A HIKE!!!

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ImaUnicorn

There's apparently this concept that there are 5 "love languages" or different ways that people show love (e.g. Words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts). Okay, stay with me - I'm going to ramble a bit - I've never been able to figure out what mine is, but I thought, "hey, I think I experience romantic attraction, so I must MUST have a love language!" So, I decided to take the test to see what mine is. What an epic disaster! For most of the either/or options, neither of them fit, so I just picked the least bad of the two options. According to the test, my language is quality time. In reality - nope. So, I guess I don't have a love language. On a related ramble - I'm pretty sure that I'm aro or veeeeery close to the aro end of the spectrum, so I probably haven't experienced romantic attraction. (This actually makes me sad; I always thought I would fall in love and get married. It's taking me longer to grieve for the loss of this part of me than when I figured out my ace identify.) Anyway, do you think there's a connection between being aro and not having one of these "love languages?"

According to Gary Chapman, the writer of the 5 Love Languages, children have love languages and they apply to non-romantic relationships as well. However, in my experience, my love languages (words of affirmation and physical touch) do not necessarily reflect things I need or want from people outside of romantic relationships.

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In this case I think it is just the test with its black and white thinking. Everyone expresses their love in different and multiple ways. It would be weird if if anyone had only one way of expressing their love. And I don't think being aro would change that. You can still love your family and friends and still express that in some way. It's like a test to see if your left brained or right brained - The test might say you're one when you know that's not the case, and really you're a combination of both, some people more so than others. Tests like these annoy me. Especially since they never have an "other" or "neither" or "it depends" option when often one is needed for accuracy

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In this case I think it is just the test with its black and white thinking. Everyone expresses their love in different and multiple ways. It would be weird if if anyone had only one way of expressing their love. And I don't think being aro would change that. You can still love your family and friends and still express that in some way. It's like a test to see if your left brained or right brained - The test might say you're one when you know that's not the case, and really you're a combination of both, some people more so than others. Tests like these annoy me. Especially since they never have an "other" or "neither" or "it depends" option when often one is needed for accuracy

I agree with you. From what I know of these love languages, they each have many "dialects" and can mean slightly different things for different people. For example, quality time can mean doing things or going places together, or it could mean turning off the TV putting down your cell phones and actually giving each other your full attention. And this can be done with anyone, even a close friend or family member. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship to give and receive love.

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I'm pretty sure that I'm aro or veeeeery close to the aro end of the spectrum, so I probably haven't experienced romantic attraction. (This actually makes me sad; I always thought I would fall in love and get married. It's taking me longer to grieve for the loss of this part of me than when I figured out my ace identify.)

I identify with this. I believe I have the capacity for a romantic relationship - and to love - but I have never dated so I can't be 100% sure.

That said, I very recently came to the realisation that though I could compromise on sex I really, really don't want to and so my relationships will almost certainly (naturally) be limited to asexual men and/or women. And thus my chances of finding love are much slimmer.

I realise I am going way off topic here. But I just saw this quote above, identified and so badly wanted to say Hi.

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i thin k for me my "love language" is when a guy can accept me for me. flaws and all.. i just want to be lvoed for who i am and not for what i am not....

love, to me is just repecting others for who they are and taking all the flaws, working with them, and making one person feel amazing

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LocustTheLurker

I am also very close to the aro end of the spectrum. (I call myself "charcoal gray ro.) I couldn't care less about words of affirmation or gifts, and acts of service are just okay. But I definitely need quality time (i.e., shared activities) to feel loved in any relationship, followed by touch, but that only applies in a romantic or QPR context.

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God of the Forest

Have any of you even read the books? ...I'm guessing not...some of the comments make that blatantly obvious...lol :P

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Musical Articuno

Well, I recall the guy writing a book of the 5 love languages for single people and, while he didn't exactly make it geared towards single people (and he kinda went on a bit of a Christian rant towards the "Physical touch" section), what I took away from it is that there are certain ways in which other people make us feel happy (or, as he calls it, "loved"). It's not just romantic relationships, but it can pertain to our friendships, our relationships with our family, acquaintances, work buddies, etc. and, if I recall, it's not that you ONLY do one language. It's encouraged to utilize all five versions, though, one or two will be more natural to you. There are certain behaviors that we are receptive to when feeling "loved" or "cared for". For me, acts of service is my number one with quality time being a close second, and I believe that stemmed from being raised by a family that encouraged those kinds of actions with other people ("If you're friends with them, you need to be there for them!" or "You need to donate your time and talents to the community!") However, some of my friends are more receptive to words of affirmation, so, I make sure they know that I appreciate them verbally. Others enjoy gifts, so, I make sure that I take the time to think of something meaningful to them. I find personality tests (or other online tests pertaining to these kinds of topics) fail to take into account that human interaction is rarely black and white-some answers are not binary, but, rather a spectrum. Thus, if you're truly curious about if you do have a "love language", the book might give you better insight than the test. One thing that helped me "figure it out" was looking at my failed friendships and figuring out why I was unhappy in them. What did I do during that time? What did they do that made me feel "unloved" (in a friendship sense, of course)? How do I feel when someone hugs me? What about does something for me? How do I feel if someone gives me a gift? It can go something like this (breaking it down by the different languages)

Words of Affirmation: When I interact with a friend, do I compliment them? Do I tell them how much I care about them? Do I praise them? Do I feel happy if someone praises me? Am I criticizing someone more than I praise them (indicating a problem with giving words of affirmation)? Did I grow up in a home that was more critical of you or discouraged you, never learning how to positively encourage someone?

Gifts: Do objects have weighted value based on the feelings associated with them? Do I hoard specific objects because they pertain to a particular person or event? Do I still remember a particular moment when someone gave me a gift despite no longer having that object? Did I receive a lot of presents as a child (on the negative side)? Do I know what kinds of gifts my friends would appreciate?

Acts of Service: Do I find when people do something for me that I feel appreciated? When a friend asks something of me, do I do it willingly? Does the statement "actions speak louder than words" resonate with me? Do I take a "fend for yourself" attitude (on the opposite side of acts of service)? Do I feel when I do something for someone I expect some kind of payment in return (on the negative side and this is considered manipulation, not acts of service)?

Quality Time: Do I get irritated with others when they do not give me their undivided attention when interacting with them? Is my attention focused on the other person when they ask it of me, or am I constantly focusing on other things, like my cellphone (indicating an issue with giving quality time)? Do I long for that sense of feeling "in-tuned" with a person, even if we are not romantically interested in one another? Is the activity we're doing together just a means to an ends (meaning, is the activity irrelevant as long as we're doing it together)? Am I a sympathetic listener, or do I default to a "fix it" mentality (indicating an issue with appropriately giving quality time)? Are you depleted when you spend this quality time with others?

Physical Touch: How do I feel when I'm given a hug? Do I feel uncomfortable or is it energizing? When someone is sad or hurt, do I give them a hug or put my hand on their shoulder? How about a hand shake to a stranger? What am I comfortable with concerning personal space? You can even extend this to romantic partners and sex, but, this should seem a bit more obvious on how this language is spoken there.

To summarize, it's not that you have one language and you're done. Knowing all the languages and learning which you're more receptive to (and what others prefer) can help with any relationship, regardless of romanticism or aromanticism. Just because you're aromantic doesn't mean you don't use these languages-friends and family can also be receptive to these actions.

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Musical Articuno

Have any of you even read the books? ...I'm guessing not...some of the comments make that blatantly obvious...lol :P

Yeah, I've read both the original and the singles version :) Quick reads, but, they do have a bit of a "Christian" vibe to them. Not that it's something terribly wrong, but, it's more evident in the "physical touch" section.

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DangerFive

Words of Affirmation: When I interact with a friend, do I compliment them? Do I tell them how much I care about them? Do I praise them? Do I feel happy if someone praises me? Am I criticizing someone more than I praise them (indicating a problem with giving words of affirmation)? Did I grow up in a home that was more critical of you or discouraged you, never learning how to positively encourage someone?

Gifts: Do objects have weighted value based on the feelings associated with them? Do I hoard specific objects because they pertain to a particular person or event? Do I still remember a particular moment when someone gave me a gift despite no longer having that object? Did I receive a lot of presents as a child (on the negative side)? Do I know what kinds of gifts my friends would appreciate?

Acts of Service: Do I find when people do something for me that I feel appreciated? When a friend asks something of me, do I do it willingly? Does the statement "actions speak louder than words" resonate with me? Do I take a "fend for yourself" attitude (on the opposite side of acts of service)? Do I feel when I do something for someone I expect some kind of payment in return (on the negative side and this is considered manipulation, not acts of service)?

Quality Time: Do I get irritated with others when they do not give me their undivided attention when interacting with them? Is my attention focused on the other person when they ask it of me, or am I constantly focusing on other things, like my cellphone (indicating an issue with giving quality time)? Do I long for that sense of feeling "in-tuned" with a person, even if we are not romantically interested in one another? Is the activity we're doing together just a means to an ends (meaning, is the activity irrelevant as long as we're doing it together)? Am I a sympathetic listener, or do I default to a "fix it" mentality (indicating an issue with appropriately giving quality time)? Are you depleted when you spend this quality time with others?

Physical Touch: How do I feel when I'm given a hug? Do I feel uncomfortable or is it energizing? When someone is sad or hurt, do I give them a hug or put my hand on their shoulder? How about a hand shake to a stranger? What am I comfortable with concerning personal space? You can even extend this to romantic partners and sex, but, this should seem a bit more obvious on how this language is spoken there.

Hmm... I honestly don't think any of these fit me. Words of affirmation make me feel uncomfortable; I usually think the person is lying, has ulterior motives, or I fooled them in some way. Physical touch is a nonstarter; I hate being touched. Acts of Service don't work because if someone does something for me, I feel like I'm being a burden and I should just do whatever it is myself. I don't think I overly attach significance to objects, nor do I expect gifts from others (and I suck at giving gifts - I'm all about the practicality). And as for quality time, I don't really have a problem with multitasking while hanging out.

I should probably read the book...

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Dodecahedron314

I'm aro, but I definitely have "love languages". Python, if we're being optimistic. Visual Basic, if we're being realistic. Paper tape, switchboards, and lots of relays with the occasional moth in them, if we're being brutally honest.

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Musical Articuno

Words of Affirmation: When I interact with a friend, do I compliment them? Do I tell them how much I care about them? Do I praise them? Do I feel happy if someone praises me? Am I criticizing someone more than I praise them (indicating a problem with giving words of affirmation)? Did I grow up in a home that was more critical of you or discouraged you, never learning how to positively encourage someone?

Gifts: Do objects have weighted value based on the feelings associated with them? Do I hoard specific objects because they pertain to a particular person or event? Do I still remember a particular moment when someone gave me a gift despite no longer having that object? Did I receive a lot of presents as a child (on the negative side)? Do I know what kinds of gifts my friends would appreciate?

Acts of Service: Do I find when people do something for me that I feel appreciated? When a friend asks something of me, do I do it willingly? Does the statement "actions speak louder than words" resonate with me? Do I take a "fend for yourself" attitude (on the opposite side of acts of service)? Do I feel when I do something for someone I expect some kind of payment in return (on the negative side and this is considered manipulation, not acts of service)?

Quality Time: Do I get irritated with others when they do not give me their undivided attention when interacting with them? Is my attention focused on the other person when they ask it of me, or am I constantly focusing on other things, like my cellphone (indicating an issue with giving quality time)? Do I long for that sense of feeling "in-tuned" with a person, even if we are not romantically interested in one another? Is the activity we're doing together just a means to an ends (meaning, is the activity irrelevant as long as we're doing it together)? Am I a sympathetic listener, or do I default to a "fix it" mentality (indicating an issue with appropriately giving quality time)? Are you depleted when you spend this quality time with others?

Physical Touch: How do I feel when I'm given a hug? Do I feel uncomfortable or is it energizing? When someone is sad or hurt, do I give them a hug or put my hand on their shoulder? How about a hand shake to a stranger? What am I comfortable with concerning personal space? You can even extend this to romantic partners and sex, but, this should seem a bit more obvious on how this language is spoken there.

Hmm... I honestly don't think any of these fit me. Words of affirmation make me feel uncomfortable; I usually think the person is lying, has ulterior motives, or I fooled them in some way. Physical touch is a nonstarter; I hate being touched. Acts of Service don't work because if someone does something for me, I feel like I'm being a burden and I should just do whatever it is myself. I don't think I overly attach significance to objects, nor do I expect gifts from others (and I suck at giving gifts - I'm all about the practicality). And as for quality time, I don't really have a problem with multitasking while hanging out.

I should probably read the book...

Well, in this case, discomfort could just mean you're not used to using that "language". I know one example from one of the books was there was a guy the author talked to who had problems with words of affirmation in that he was rather critical of the women he dated while feeling discomfort from hearing compliments. Turns out, that happened to be his "weakest language", and, once he worked on it through some exercises, he was far more receptive to the language. So, being uncomfortable hearing a compliment could just mean it's a foreign "language" to you (not saying you're critical or whatnot-just mentioning what's in the book). I used to feel very uncomfortable with a compliment and, like you, believed there were ulterior motives ("Surely they're blind, right? They can't possibly think that of me!") But, actually, after reading the book and realizing what I was doing, I talked to my friend about it and she said hers was words of affirmation. That helped me practice the technique (saying things such as "I really appreciate you doing this for me" or "I missed you!") and that, in turn, made me feel more comfortable when people would show their appreciation back.

I used to hate being touched as well (used to be part of the "no hug" corner ;)), but, that changed for me over time as I let the friends who were more responsive to touch hug me. Now I'm actually more likely to offer a hug if I suspect the person is upset (and at a level that I think they would accept the hug-I would not offer a hug to a stranger, for instance) Not saying you should do what I do, but, just sharing how I overcame it personally.

Regarding acts of service, I should clarify-you can still feel uncomfortable if someone does a charitable act for you. I know I do. If a friend I'm not particularly close with does something a bit "much", like fix a leaky faucet (silly example, I know), then, I would not feel comfortable with it, even though I respond best to acts of service. It's not so much that if they do it, you'll respond to it. They have to do the action at the same "level" at which you'd accept it, if that makes sense. For instance, let's say I was sick and unable to get out of bed. Let's also pretend that I have a certain task that needs to be completed by the end of the day (let's say buy some groceries). I would not feel comfortable if someone I don't know did this task for me (I would feel indebted). I would appreciate it (and indeed love it) if a friend or significant other did this for me (without me asking and not complaining), EVEN THOUGH it was initially my responsibility and not expecting anyone to help me. That is the essence of acts of service.

Not everyone attaches significance to gifts, so, no worries there. I personally don't, but, I do appreciate the thought (though, I may mentally keep track so that I can pay them back in kind). And, sometimes, practical gifts are very thoughtful presents, so, don't rule that out. ;)

Well, again, it's not so much if you multitask but rather the purpose of spending time with the person. I value quality time as well, but, I don't dictate if someone is busy that they drop everything to gaze into my eyes in silence for five minutes lol It's more like when you feel you want to interact with someone closely and get more intimate (you can do this with a friend-intimacy is not just sexual intimacy. It can also be emotional), do you just want to spend time together, not caring what you do? I find I do this with video games. Past friends (and even present ones) would ask me "What game would you like to play together?" and my honest answer is "I don't care as long as we play it together". You can definitely multitask while playing a video game, but, you're expecting that they're playing the game with you and not "playing the game while also texting 5 other people on top of calling another friend while chatting with their sister right next to them" during the time you've asked them to spend time with you (when they're not busy, of course). If I ask for your time to spend time together, I expect your attention during this time. I'll definitely let you pick a convenient time and how long you're able to give-or you're more than welcome to say "I can't give that to you, sorry". There are definitely times when I'm not in QT mode, and we can both multitask and just talk if we're around. It's more about when you're feeling particularly receptive to being close to someone.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is it's not just the language itself-it's the degree of that particular language. Just because I respond best to acts of service does not mean I'm going to appreciate a total stranger building me a house with no questions asked-I'm going to be confused and uncertain as to their motive, just like anybody should. The action (or language) has to be done with the genuine intention of expressing "love" or "appreciation" for a person-otherwise it's wasted.

The book might give you better insight and help you find a language that resonates with you (or it may not). Light and quick read, as I mentioned before. I personally thought the non-singles edition (the original) was the better of the two (even though it does talk about romantic relationships), but, it's up to you which one you choose if you want to read it (or them).

I suppose the questions to ask yourself are these. There's a reason why you have a certain set of friends. What is it they do that makes you feel close to them? What do they do that makes you feel like sticking around? Is there something your parents do to show you they love you? What have they told you about making friends? What about your past experiences? If you've ever had any romantic crushes, you could potentially use that to determine it as well. What was it that made you crush on them? Did they do something to you or for you that made you feel "the butterflies"? Not to overload you or anything, but, just some things to think about if you're in a particularly introspective mood :)

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