this is long, but i'd love feedback...

[XpandoraX]

hello, my name is XyelleX. i'm 22 and a senior in college. i found this site through a link from nerve.com from an article my very sexually active brother posted in his away message the day after i had finally had a very interesting sexual discussion with my new boyfriend... ah, i need to explain.

i was boy crazy for a while in high school, but i never really wanted one. i liked to look at them. my first year in college, i was raped, and thought that was the basis of my aversion to all things sexual, but deep inside i know it's older than that. after that, i actively made myself uninteresting to people, i never wanted to draw attention to myself. i still liked looking at boys from a distance, but i tried to keep all my guy friend with girlfriends so i would never run into trouble.

i had a boyfriend once, but he was clingy, and i hated it. i didn't like how he always wanted to touch me. he never did anything beyond kissing, but his cuddling was a deathgrip and it was miserable. this was why i broke up with him, but i never explained that. later, when i found myself lonely, i tried to go back to him because i knew he was so careful with my feelings that he would never try to do anything more than kissing, but i was still just as miserable with him and he broke up with me shortly thereafter.

i was relatively unattractive for a while, i assume, since no one really bothered trying to catch my attention in college. but a couple years ago, there was this one guy who would blatantly hit on me - a lot. i wasn't used to this, so i was really mean to him and tried to chase him off. he was very persistant, and never really let me deter him. eventually, i discovered that i really admired his tenacity [among other great qualities that i slowly discovered through conversations] and when he started dating another girl, we became really great friends. best friends. then i started liking him... alot. a couple other guys started flirting with me after that, but they never measured up to eric, so that was another reason for me to push them away.

a few weeks ago, i told eric that i really cared about him, more than i cared about anyone besides my old high school [female] best friend. he still liked me from when he first started talking to me and quickly dumped his girlfriend for me. the first couple weeks were... interesting. he mentioned that, from how well he knew me, he always assumed that if he ever tried to hold my hand i'd just slap it away... i guess my asexuality was apparant in my personality. but that's not the truth... the truth is i'm very affectionate. as he found out. i love being held... i think the difference between eric and the first boyfriend was that i really didn't like the first boyfriend... and i really do like eric. but i could sit/lay in eric's arms for hours and never get bored.

but the problem is... eric is not asexual. he likes kissing me. a lot. the first couple of times, he could tell that i wasn't that interested and he said he wouldn't push me to do something i didn't like, but at that time i still thought i was the only one who thought this way and that i was still afraid of sexual things. so i told him that i wanted to keep trying until i became comfortable with it. according to him, i've become good at it, and good at fooling him into thinking i like it... but i'm still not really having fun. and he really wants to go a little further, and i hate this feeling that i'm holding him back... i just recently told him about what happened my freshman year, and he says he totally understands my need to wait.. but i don't think he really wants to.

we both have definitely decided against sex before marriage, so i'm safe there. but he really wants to... er... get me off in a way that makes me slightly nervous. he's done it before with kissing my ears and such, but he wants a little more access. and i feel terrible for this, cause i can't bring myself to reciprocate. i explained this to him, and he said i don't need to, but i still feel bad. i just really don't want to do that. and i don't really enjoy when he does it to me, either. i mean, obviously, it's the normal reaction, but i get edgy when he kisses my ears... the whole experience is disconcerting. and i don't know how to explain to him that i've just realized that i may never like this... as he is still sure that i will come around...

i love spending time with him, though. we spent yesterday walking around chicago, out to dinner, and went to a show where we just leaned up against each other through the opening bands, and it was wonderful. but he kept mentioning how he really wanted to make out... and i didn't. he really is perfect for me, and all i would look for in a romantic life partner... but i don't know if i can deal with a relationship of him wanting more than me. i'm very altruistic and will feel bad for holding him back if he wants more... but i have too much emotion invested in him to let this go now.

i don't know.. can anyone even relate to this? am i crazy? did anyone actually read this whole thing? thank you if you did... if you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know. i'm so glad to find this community where i can relate to people like this... you are all wonderful for banding together in this. congratulations... please accept me, too.

[bard of aven]

Welcome.

Busy, busy, busy, a the Bokononists say.....the asexual concept is still very new to you, but while you are thinking it through and working it out in your own mind and heart, the bottom line is what the bottom line alwasy is: don't do anything that is going to make you feel untrue to you.

Good luck, post away, and let us know how it goes.

boa

[wombat]

Ok....first off....this time i'm not going to go CRAZY over the entire rape thing....i REALLY dont like rapists.....err.... .

*breaths*

SO HEY! Yeah...your not crazy...no.

Welcome to AVEN.

It's interesting hearing your story...and you fit in with the asexual crowd. So, i guess i would either call you Hetro-asexual, or Hypohetrosexual.

Hypo means VERY SMALL sex drive...so small it may only manifest itself in your sub contious...aka dreams. And hetro a sexual means that you see youself with a guy long term....or you like guys....it's just your ASEXUAL. Hmm....but no....I can relate....exept for the fact that i can't.

Never been in a serious relationship like that myself. See...i've been in one...and that is just because of social pressure....everyone knew she liked me...BUT ME. but i found out. But, in my own form...i'm an honest guy...and on valintines day i put a box of chocolates and two roses...a yellow one and a white one. And a note...saying that we needed to talk. I guess it was the first time i actually related to my own asexuality. We decided to remain friends. Oh...and the flowers thing....Yellow means friendship....White means purity. So...i guess that was kinda forshadowing.

ANYWAY...off topic. I know what your going through....but not really.

JUST BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. You may need to have a chat with your guy friend there....but first...you have to ask youself a question (no, it's not do you feel lucky)

What do you want out of a relationship? Are you willing to comprimise his happiness for your own dislike? Can HE deal with that? and to what extent do you dislike sex......just ideas.

SELF EXPLORATION! SO FUN!

Ball is in your court babe!

But above all...BE HONEST...relationships should never be based on secrets. just ideas...

[Gorax]

If you don't want to do it, don't.

The situation you are in also applies to a few other people here. You are not alone.

Our first new member from the nerve.com article . . . Welcome :mrgreen:

[XpandoraX]

thank you for the welcomes... and wombat, thank you for the explanations. i think hypo-hetero works very well for me.

if anyone is interested in an update... he is now having second thoughts because he thinks he is pushing me too hard [i think that's why, at least] and i'm really worried that he might leave me. i'm not sure if we're better of this way or what. but i guess i can just wait and see.

[JimDandy]

Welcome XyelleX. :) There's not much I can add to what BOA, Wombat and Gorax have already written. Only, it's important to let your friend know how you honestly feel. That and don't do anything you cannot live with.

But all that aside, welcome! :D

[P Orridge]

Hi and welcome,

This is no great wisdom, but relationships usually involve compromises. In your situation, it depends on how big a compromise either one of you is prepared to make. You could decide that the discomfort you feel about the physical side of the relationship is worth enduring if it means you get to stay with someone you really love, or he could decide that he's willing to keep this side of things to a minimum or cut it out altogether. It has to be said though that these are both BIG compromises.

The key thing though is honesty. If you tell eachother how you feel and what you're wiling to compromise on then at least you're moving into the future with your eyes open. It might just come down to 'try it and see'.

Hope this is of some help.

Take care,

P Orridge

[Jayann]

Hello and belated welcome! :) The others speak true, honesty in the relationship is the key!

I believe you should never try to force yourself to become what you are not. The most important thing is to be happy with who you are. That's what AVEN's all about. But if this means you're also willing to compromise in a relationship--great! If not, then hold out for whatever will make you happy.

See you around the forum!

[VivreEstEsperer]

Welcome, XpandoraX!

[justlearning]

Wow... I can so relate... well... very, very much. I wasn't ever raped but it's like, everything else... yeah... I'll be emailing you soon... Welcome to AVEN!

Note: Sorry but I read this in the middle of the night and I'm afried if I tried to actually say something now it would be... ummm... it uh.... it wouldn't make sense. Trust me, I'll talk. Sleep first...