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Define Sexuality, as in, is to be sexual, to care whether ..


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To be sexual is to experience sexual attraction. It is not a need (though it can feel like one at times), nor is it necessarially the presence of activity to do with sexual attraction. Basically, to my knowledge anyway, to be sexual is to experience the phenomenon of desiring to engage in sexual activity with certain people for the sake of the sexual activity. You can be sexual even if you never actually engage in the sexual activity in question - this is unsatisfying for most sexuals, but contrary to what the media may tell you it doesn't actually harm them or invalidate their sexuality.

Sexuality and asexuality are orientations, so it may help to think of them in the same terms as the better-known subsets of sexuality, like heterosexuality and homosexuality. A homosexual person is homosexual whether or not sie actually has sex with persons of the same gender; what matters for the purpose of definition is what sie desires and feels in regards to these people.

Er, I hope some of that helped and wasn't just ideological babbling, anway...

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To be sexual, is it the need to get off, or simply to have sexual activity..

big dif, think abt it.

There's a difference??? :shock:

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To be sexual, is it the need to get off, or simply to have sexual activity..

I'm going to have to agree with Hallucigenia on this one. It's cool that you're putting in the effort to think about it, but your def on what it is to be sexual is a bit off. There are many asexuals on this site that like to "get off" or have sexual activity. The difference is, they prefer it with themselves. Masturbation is still a type of sexual activity, after all. So, to be sexual is to experience sexual attraction with that I love to call primary sexual desire, as in wanting to get off with another person for the purpose of getting off (or trying to).

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There are a few different reasons to choose masterbation... with a scale of people in between... These aren't all of them probably...

Those that are sexual and are not in a relationship - they would prefer a sexual partner, but do not have that option. Not everyone in this situation chooses masterbation, but some do.

Those that are sexual and experience sexual attraction, but simply find looking at erotic material/pornography and masterbating more convenient and/or desirable than engaging in sex for mutual pleasure.

Those that are asexual and do not experience sexual attraction and masterbate as a way to relieve sexual drive. Not every asexual has a strong drive and not every asexual chooses to masterbate.

It should also be noted that some asexuals use pornography to help them out... and while that seems like sexual attraction, they claim it's not because they prefer it to a partner.

hawke

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It should also be noted that some asexuals use pornography to help them out... and while that seems like sexual attraction, they claim it's not because they prefer it to a partner.

Nitpicking, but you know, it's my thing to pick on defs. To me, that's sexual attraction without primary sexual desire. Which is why I prefer to say asexuals lack primary sexual desire. Most don't experience sexual attraction, but some do.

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Yeah - I don't disagree with that. I think we are saying the same thing, only I didn't use your terminology.

The point of my post was to distinguish between sexuals who masterbate to porn and asexuals who masterbate to porn - there is only a very slight difference... and it may be one of those things where someone who is sexual can, for all intents and purposes TURN asexual. It takes work to sustain a relationship that requires interaction, giving and less self-interest. Someone who used to be sexual can lose all primary sexual desire to have sex with another person because masterbation is an easier method of gratification that one can take care of all by one's onesies.

It's the similar to why some sexual men turn to prostitutes... it's easier to hand over money than work at a relationship.

hawke

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to be sexual is to have the ability to reproduce ...

Not really - if that was the case, then all the nice asexual parents on this site would be sexual, and all the people who are infertile but enjoy having sex four times a day anyway would be asexual. And, actually, since you didn't specify a method of reproduction, amoebas would be sexual, and so would bacteria...

I'm confused as to what brought that comment on.

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  • 5 months later...

"To be sexual, is it the need to get off, or simply to have sexual activity.. "

I'm a sexual person who likes both. They're not separated.

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Eta Carinae
It should also be noted that some asexuals use pornography to help them out... and while that seems like sexual attraction, they claim it's not because they prefer it to a partner.

Nitpicking, but you know, it's my thing to pick on defs. To me, that's sexual attraction without primary sexual desire. Which is why I prefer to say asexuals lack primary sexual desire. Most don't experience sexual attraction, but some do.

Chiming in late, and sort of OT, but as one of the attractionless asexuals who does use porn, that's not what's going on at all for me. The appeal isn't in the people (I find a lot of them repulsive, in fact), it's in the emotional quality of the situation presented, which I wind up absorbing -- it's arousing for the same reason a video of people crying is saddening. And yes, I'm one of those people who gets weepy at commercials from time to time, which is presumably why this works for me.

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The point of my post was to distinguish between sexuals who masterbate to porn and asexuals who masterbate to porn - there is only a very slight difference...

I don't see any difference at all, even leaving out the porn part. How can someone who masturbates be asexual?

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How can someone who masturbates be asexual?

Because an asexual who masturbates is not sexually attracted to the palm of hir hand.

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Chiming in late, and sort of OT, but as one of the attractionless asexuals who does use porn, that's not what's going on at all for me. The appeal isn't in the people (I find a lot of them repulsive, in fact), it's in the emotional quality of the situation presented, which I wind up absorbing -- it's arousing for the same reason a video of people crying is saddening. And yes, I'm one of those people who gets weepy at commercials from time to time, which is presumably why this works for me.

Wow... also somewhat OT, but I think you're the first person I've actually heard describe my exact relationship with "teh pr0n". Nudity does nothing for me - actually, I appreciate the clothed form much more than the naked one. And clothed or unclothed, unless there's an emotional level going on, it's pretty meaningless to me.

If I may make a suggestion: I've found that most forms of visual porn are completely unsuited to our tastes. Have you tried erotic fiction? The emotional level is so much stronger, and it makes the whole thing work so much better.

(Google "sakura" + "lemon" for a huge archive... ^_~ )

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I don't see any difference at all, even leaving out the porn part. How can someone who masturbates be asexual?

Whether or not you marturbate has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. And asexuality is an orientation where you aren't sexually attracted to other people - it doesn't mean you never feel arousal or have any sexual desires.

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How can someone who masturbates be asexual?

Because an asexual who masturbates is not sexually attracted to the palm of hir hand.

But he or she is doing it for the sexual arousal, pleasure, and climax. It happens not to be directed towards someone else. I still don't see how that means "asexual," which means "without sex." Masturbation is sex - it's just sex without a partner.

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does that mean an asexual would prefer to masturbate rather than have sex with his/her spouse?

I suspect it's the difference between getting an adrenaline rush with an injection versus, say, getting in a fight. Some asexuals enjoy/don't mind sex, but I don't know if that demographic is related to those who masturbate. I wish I could give you a better answer, but I haven't tried either... maybe someone else could help me/you out on this one?

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deladangerous
But he or she is doing it for the sexual arousal, pleasure, and climax. It happens not to be directed towards someone else. I still don't see how that means "asexual," which means "without sex." Masturbation is sex - it's just sex without a partner.

And this is when we point to the title at the top of the forum page:

"Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction".

Not "somebody who does not experience arousal", not "somebody who doesn't care for sexual pleasure" or even "somebody who doesn't like sex in any form".

Some asexuals don't get any pleasure from it, rather they do it for other reasons. Some asexuals actually enjoy sex with a partner. They're still asexual.

Asexual doesn't mean 'without sex', in the same way that bisexual doesn't mean 'with two sexes'. "asexual" means "not sexually attracted to anybody". That's all.

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I still don't see how that means "asexual," which means "without sex."

Asexual also refers to a type of reproduction. ;) The word itself has different meanings, but ours is the lack of sexual attraction.

does that mean an asexual would prefer to masturbate rather than have sex with his/her spouse?

I guess I'd choose masturbation over sex since there's less involved, it takes less time... It's DIY. ;) (yikes, 2 winks in my post so far) I'm answering this as a spouse-less asexual, by the way.

Masturbation is sex - it's just sex without a partner.

Hm... Well if that's the case, if masturbation is sex, and sexuals desire sex- then wouldn't that mean that sexuals would be satisfied to masturbate only, and not have sex with another person?

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  • 4 weeks later...
Masturbation is sex - it's just sex without a partner.

Hm... Well if that's the case, if masturbation is sex, and sexuals desire sex- then wouldn't that mean that sexuals would be satisfied to masturbate only, and not have sex with another person?

There's the cincher, Inona. Most asexuals (if they masturbate at all), would be perfectly satisfied with just experiencing sexual pleasure solo. However, most sexuals (if they masturbate) are generally not satisfied with just pleasuring themselves, and they seek sexual activity with *other people*

The key is *other people*. Sexuals are sexually attracted to other people, whereas asexuals (generally) are not. It's as easy as 1,2,3! :D

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  • 3 weeks later...

I find this definition of asexuality to be fascinating. I imagined asexuals were those who were "not interested in sex"... or "not sexual" (like the scientific definition of asexual... creatures that don't copulate... reproducing by budding or whatever). I masturbate to porn, and am not interested in any emotional attachments... it's fantasy, pure and simple. An asexual act, I guess, though it seems sexual to me.

So someone who has sex with no emotional attachment, essentially masturbating with a willing companion... Don Juan for example, would be asexual? He could bang away night and day, thinking of nothing but his own sexual gratification, and be asexual? There's a great aria in the opera about Don Juan's life (Don Giovanni), in which he sings about how it doesn't matter to him if his partner is young, old, blind, crippled... it's just the sex he wants.

Don Juan, the asexual.... It boggles the imagination.

-Chiaroscuro

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No, from what you're describing, that just sounds like a selfish aromantic sexual. That's still sex with another person, which asexuals would rather live without.

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Wario, I was being (at least partly), facetious.

But I am curious about what asexual means in one's daily life. For example, many of you guys masturbate, or have sexual fantasies. I imagine those fantasies include other people. If so, the idea of sex with another person isn't abhorrent, just putting that idea into practise is. Is that correct?

Sexuals are sexually attracted to other people, whereas asexuals (generally) are not.

Perhaps amend this to read "sexually attracted to real people." What is it about the fantasy person/real person split that permits sexual attraction in the one case and not the other? Is it a social issue? The idea of interacting with a real person in that kind of vulnerable, intimate, messy way is unpleasant, but the fantasy is asocial, so not aversive?

I'm genuinely curious.

your friend,

Chiaroscuro

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Wario, I was being (at least partly), facetious.

My apologies then. Sometimes one can tell, sometimes.....not.

But I am curious about what asexual means in one's daily life. For example, many of you guys masturbate, or have sexual fantasies. I imagine those fantasies include other people. If so, the idea of sex with another person isn't abhorrent, just putting that idea into practise is. Is that correct?

I imagine for some, that might be, but even the idea of engaging in sex is off-putting for me. Simply put, I don't masturbate to having sex with someone. I imagine two other people doing it because, when aroused enough, I find sex to be....well.....arousing, in the context of my philia that is, but that's another matter. The point is, I don't fantasize about doing it myself with anyone at all! :shock:

Perhaps amend this to read "sexually attracted to real people." What is it about the fantasy person/real person split that permits sexual attraction in the one case and not the other? Is it a social issue? The idea of interacting with a real person in that kind of vulnerable, intimate, messy way is unpleasant, but the fantasy is asocial, so not aversive?

Well, as just explained, this is not the case for me at all, so I'm not qualified to answer this, though I do believe there are some asexuals like that, so I'll let them try to explain it for you.

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But I am curious about what asexual means in one's daily life. For example, many of you guys masturbate, or have sexual fantasies. I imagine those fantasies include other people. If so, the idea of sex with another person isn't abhorrent, just putting that idea into practise is. Is that correct?

A couple things: when I masturbate, I don't think about having sex with other people; I think about other people having sex, and even then (as I said in my earlier post) the appeal is only in the emotional quality of the scene. It's like reading a sad book. I don't envision myself as any of the characters, but their troubles can still make me cry. Furthermore, the idea of sex with another person isn't abhorrent to me, only the idea of having sex with someone I'm not sexually attracted to -- which is to say, everyone. If I found someone I was sexually attracted to, I'd probably enjoy having sex with them. But no such people exist.

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That explains a lot, guys, thank you. If I understand correctly, the appeal of erotica then is that it's voyeristic. It doesn't have anything to do (necessarily), with identification with anyone in the scene. You can stand outside of it and enjoy it for what it is.

It's almost like asexual is the wrong word for it, because many of you are drawn to sexual themes (at a comfortable remove), and do enjoy sexual release (without a partner). Perhaps a better term would be Onanistic?

:D

Of course, I wouldn't presume to rename my friends, and asexual, as a term, is immediately recognizable by just about everyone. Just thinking out loud.

-Chiaroscuro

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That explains a lot, guys, thank you. If I understand correctly, the appeal of erotica then is that it's voyeristic. It doesn't have anything to do (necessarily), with identification with anyone in the scene. You can stand outside of it and enjoy it for what it is.

Maybe. I'm not into watching for its own sake; if there were people I were attracted to, I'd happily think about having sex with them instead. But there aren't, so I make do with what does work.

It's almost like asexual is the wrong word for it, because many of you are drawn to sexual themes (at a comfortable remove), and do enjoy sexual release (without a partner).

Asexual is being used as a sexual orientation; it's describing sexual attraction based on gender, just like homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual. It's not (or shouldn't be *grumble*) used to describe a disinterest in sex <i>per se</i>.

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Hallucigenia
It's almost like asexual is the wrong word for it, because many of you are drawn to sexual themes (at a comfortable remove), and do enjoy sexual release (without a partner). Perhaps a better term would be Onanistic?

Maybe the word you're looking for is "autosexual"? I've heard that one tossed around here sometimes.

Keep in mind that while many asexuals do these things (masturbation, porn-viewing, etc.) there are many others who don't. Such asexuals have the same sorts of problems in a relationship with a sexual as the drive-having kind of asexual, so we tend to lump them into the same category, rather than making an artificial distinction based on what they do alone.

Also, it's my impression (and I could be mistaken) that being drawn to sexual themes, such as the thought of two people having sex, is a bit rarer in the asexual community than masturbation. Many asexuals with sex drives prefer to think about semi-sexual activity (such as two people cuddling) or some non-sex-related fetish, and some don't think much at all and simply see it as a necessary physical activity like scratching an itch or going to the bathroom.

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