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Telecaster68

Should your partner be the most important person in your life?

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Jade Cross
True. In this scenario logic caused me to get bitten, it isnt called cold and calculated for no reason. Though the original question doesnt have to do with snakes but with people. I doubt a split second decision will have as severe results as a bite from a snake when deciding about people unless you tell me the person is a snake charmer and is threatening you with one unless you choose them over others.

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Telecaster68

My only point originally was that deciding who was more important to you on the basis of cold logic didn't reflect my own experience. It may not be the logically optimum output, but it will be the most emotionally fitting one, by definition.

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Jade Cross
Yes, to you. I think were going in circles though. Everyone can decide who and how to decide the level of importance and priority of another. But despite how it many times it may be repeated amongts others, it isnt a universal rule that everyone will choose the same.

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Snao van der Cone

Where does Snow Cone fall on everyone's list? That's where there's a huge gap in the logic of partners being your most important person. Where do I come into this picture

Well, with nearly 9,000 posts, you were no doubt someone else before you were Snow Cone, but lately as Snow Cone, your posts have shot you way near the top of my list.

Seriously, though (although I was serious), I don't think there are any "shoulds" in what relationship you feel is most important to you. What you feel is what you feel; certainly no one else can tell you how to feel.

Aww, thanks Sally <3 ;)

I also agree on the "should" part. It's very, very common for people to expect to be their partner's most important person, and I don't find it at all an unreasonable requirement for a relationship to be worth it. It's not necessary for a relationship to be valid, though, and it doesn't make anyone a worse partner in general - only less suited for people to whom this is important.

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Telecaster68

I agree about the 'should'. Whatever works, after all. But I've never come across the idea that it's creepy or unhealthy or otherwise negative except on AVEN. I suspect there's some correlation with aromanticism going on.

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Snao van der Cone

I would hope even aromantics would understand why this is incredibly common and not unreasonable. It's not like someone's demanding that their partner be willing to commit a crime at their request.

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Jade Cross

I agree about the 'should'. Whatever works, after all. But I've never come across the idea that it's creepy or unhealthy or otherwise negative except on AVEN. I suspect there's some correlation with aromanticism going on.

The correlation may be that outside AVEN, rarely do people dare to talk about any negative aspects of attitudes regarding relationships because its not well seen in a social context in the same way as not desiring sex is seen as a sort of ultimate taboo because sex is everywhere, from commercials to movies, internet, etc.

I can guarantee you that if you make a public remark about sex being unnecessary for example, you'll get waves of people telling you that you must be some type of lowly virgin loser because absolutely everyone wants and has sex. They will even quote medical "reasons" why sex is absolute.

I have faced these types of reactions whenever people ask me if Im going to have kids for example and I say that I wont. Their reactions are on cue, all the same and with the frightening similar phrases, word by word.

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nanogretchen4

You know, about the home decor thing, in principle I think those who actually have to live in the home should have the most say. But what if your partner's taste in home decor is butt ugly and you just can't make them see reason? I can almost see bringing in a second opinion in such a case.

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Snao van der Cone

I would make a terrible partner for a number of reasons, and one of them is complete stubbornness on home decor. My brother works in interior design, and my mother has a degree in it, but I've butt heads with them over simple suggestions. If someone cannot agree with my design preferences, we are not meant to be.

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Jade Cross
high five for stubborness XD

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Anthracite_Impreza

I would hope even aromantics would understand why this is incredibly common and not unreasonable. It's not like someone's demanding that their partner be willing to commit a crime at their request.

The whole insistence on devotion and putting everyone else on a lower pedestal just seems wrong to me and really unhealthy...

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AthenaFay

I would hope even aromantics would understand why this is incredibly common and not unreasonable. It's not like someone's demanding that their partner be willing to commit a crime at their request.

The whole insistence on devotion and putting everyone else on a lower pedestal just seems wrong to me and really unhealthy...

This is exactly what I've been told, and even I think that it probably is, although my rational thoughts versus the strength of my feelings when it comes to love... and yeah, one of them always seems to lose.

Though at this point in the thread, I'm thinking perhaps there is an advantage to the way I am, and it's probably because the last thing I would argue about would be things like home decor! I guess, because I see my partner as the most important person in my life, it makes other things seem smaller and less significant, therefore way less arguments occur. I've never argued with a partner over things I see many other couples absolutely go crazy about. I'm just not really fussed about anything so long as I get to spent time with them, so I guess it has a certain simplicity which makes contentment easier to achieve.

[EDIT] - I'm unwell right now so I'm probably talking complete crap here. - I mean, what correlation is there between putting your partner above other people, and not arguing about home decor? Probably none tbh, lol.

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Telecaster68

I agree about the 'should'. Whatever works, after all. But I've never come across the idea that it's creepy or unhealthy or otherwise negative except on AVEN. I suspect there's some correlation with aromanticism going on.

The correlation may be that outside AVEN, rarely do people dare to talk about any negative aspects of attitudes regarding relationships because its not well seen in a social context in the same way as not desiring sex is seen as a sort of ultimate taboo because sex is everywhere, from commercials to movies, internet, etc.

I can guarantee you that if you make a public remark about sex being unnecessary for example, you'll get waves of people telling you that you must be some type of lowly virgin loser because absolutely everyone wants and has sex. They will even quote medical "reasons" why sex is absolute.

I have faced these types of reactions whenever people ask me if Im going to have kids for example and I say that I wont. Their reactions are on cue, all the same and with the frightening similar phrases, word by word.

I think it's because it's an unusual attitude, in both cases.

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Telecaster68
But what if your partner's taste in home decor is butt ugly and you just can't make them see reason? I can almost see bringing in a second opinion in such a case.

What if they think your taste is butt ugly too? But yes, realistically, either side is likely to try to persuade the other. My point was more about specific instances of where a partner could legitimately be pissed off when someone else was given priority.

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Jade Cross

I agree about the 'should'. Whatever works, after all. But I've never come across the idea that it's creepy or unhealthy or otherwise negative except on AVEN. I suspect there's some correlation with aromanticism going on.

The correlation may be that outside AVEN, rarely do people dare to talk about any negative aspects of attitudes regarding relationships because its not well seen in a social context in the same way as not desiring sex is seen as a sort of ultimate taboo because sex is everywhere, from commercials to movies, internet, etc.

I can guarantee you that if you make a public remark about sex being unnecessary for example, you'll get waves of people telling you that you must be some type of lowly virgin loser because absolutely everyone wants and has sex. They will even quote medical "reasons" why sex is absolute.

I have faced these types of reactions whenever people ask me if Im going to have kids for example and I say that I wont. Their reactions are on cue, all the same and with the frightening similar phrases, word by word.

I think it's because it's an unusual attitude, in both cases.

But does the fact that it is unusual (according to numerical levels) make it any less a legitimate opinion of the person.

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Telecaster68
But does the fact that it is unusual (according to numerical levels) make it any less a legitimate opinion of the person.

Of course not, but it would explain why I've only come across that attitude on AVEN.

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Jade Cross
Out of curiosity, how would you react if the situation was in reverse?

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Telecaster68

You mean if most people felt their partner wasn't the most important person in their life?

I guess I'd feel a bit of a codependent weirdo at times, but what I feel is what I feel.

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Snao van der Cone

I would hope even aromantics would understand why this is incredibly common and not unreasonable. It's not like someone's demanding that their partner be willing to commit a crime at their request.

The whole insistence on devotion and putting everyone else on a lower pedestal just seems wrong to me and really unhealthy...

Is this just compared to other important people in life, or everyone? I'm not going to treat strangers the same way I treat my best friends because I'm not at all inclined to adore them. I don't need to value all people equally, as they don't play equal roles in my life. The focus (usually) isn't about putting people on lower pedestals. It's not about dethroning your best friend once you get a partner. I know it can seem that way, though.

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Jade Cross
But the problem is that its usually potrayed that way.

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Telecaster68
But the problem is that its usually potrayed that way.

Only on AVEN.

My best friend, who I've known for 20 years, is getting married next month. I've spent immense amounts of time with him over the years and we're very close. Since he's been with his fiancee, we've seen less of each other, and less than when he was in a series of less serious relationships over the years. But it hasn't crossed my mind that I've been rejected in some way. He's just in a relationship that's all. It's not an issue.

I guess it's hard to grasp romantic/sexual thinking if you're aromantic and asexual.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Just other important people, and yeah it does seem that people get obsessed with their partners to a degree they have no life of their own and constantly prioritise their partner to the detriment of everyone else. I just can't understand how it's healthy to devote your life to one person :/

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Skullery Maid

The reality of life is that we must prioritize people. Additionally, some very good arguments have been made that prioritization is what keeps us alive and thriving... if we all gave minimal care to everyone, we'd all be minimally cared for. If we give lots of care to a few people, we all get cared for lots (or most of us... it should be all of us, but ya know). Evolutionarily, we're quite likely designed to prioritize.


Just other important people, and yeah it does seem that people get obsessed with their partners to a degree they have no life of their own and constantly prioritise their partner to the detriment of everyone else. I just can't understand how it's healthy to devote your life to one person :/

Can you give me any reasons why it's unhealthy? If it makes people happy and provides them with security, where's the downside for them?

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Telecaster68
I just can't understand how it's healthy to devote your life to one person :/

It's not devotion to the extent you're not looking after your own needs too. In fact in a healthy relationship, it's reciprocal (like so much of human behaviour), so your needs are better looked after.

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Tarfeather

Just other important people, and yeah it does seem that people get obsessed with their partners to a degree they have no life of their own and constantly prioritise their partner to the detriment of everyone else. I just can't understand how it's healthy to devote your life to one person :/

Can you give me any reasons why it's unhealthy? If it makes people happy and provides them with security, where's the downside for them?

I would like to hear the reasoning for this, as well.

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Rising Sun

Just other important people, and yeah it does seem that people get obsessed with their partners to a degree they have no life of their own and constantly prioritise their partner to the detriment of everyone else. I just can't understand how it's healthy to devote your life to one person :/

Can you give me any reasons why it's unhealthy? If it makes people happy and provides them with security, where's the downside for them?

The downside is how they feel when their partner breaks up.

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Telecaster68

So no relationships because you might break up in the end?

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Skullery Maid

Breaking up... that's gonna suck either way.

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Rising Sun

So no relationships because you might break up in the end?

Breaking up... that's gonna suck either way.

No, what I'm saying is that breakups are much worse, not to say likely to lead to suicide attempts, if you give your partner such a high level of priority that you emotionally depend exclusively on them, which is the situation Anthracite was referring to. If you emotionally depend exclusively on one person for your wellbeing, this is going to end very badly sooner or later.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm not sure I have any steadfast reasons, I just can't reconcile how having one person being so utterly central to your life as not being unhealthily dependent. I know for most people it's not (or nothing would ever get done) but I just can't 'get' that. Maybe it's because I fear being abandoned by my best mates if they get a partner; they mean so much to me I'd be heartbroken. I feel like it's healthier and nicer to have a multitude of people who are all equally important in your life instead of just one who you obsess over.

Don't take any of that as a 'I hate romantics', I don't, I just can't wrap my head round it.

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