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WinterWanderer

Hi, welcome to AVEN!! I'm glad you came to learn more about how you can help your friend. I hope you find the answers here that you're looking for :)

When I started dating her she never mentioned asexuality aside from the very beginning but then kind of identified as bisexual. At the time I guess I didn't realize you could be both and I am honestly still a bit fuzzy with the differences, sorry. Anyways now she is telling me that she still loves me as a friend but she is trying to figure out her sexuality and just doesn't know at the moment.

Since asexuality is an orientation like bisexuality, you can't be both. But it's possible to be "in the gray area" of sexuality, which means you don't experience as much sexual attraction as other people, or only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances. People who are bisexual but in the gray area usually identify as gray-bisexual or gray-sexual.

However, she could be asexual and biromantic (since romantic and sexual attraction aren't the same thing - but I won't go into all the details of that, it's a lot to explain).

(Sorry, this wasn't actually related to your post very much, but just thought I'd clarify for you.)

What does asexual mean in terms of wanting to date, Is it purely sexual or just attractiveness i guess in general?

If we do get back together what is the best way to handle sexual encounters when I want to without pressuring her and making her uncomfortable?

Asexuality is all about sexual attraction, which is having the urge/desire to have sex with someone else. So if she is asexual, that means she doesn't want to have sex, but that may not affect dating. She could still want to be in a romantic relationship, and all the non-sexual physical touching and romantic elements that come with being in a relationship.

As for the question about sexual encounters.. I don't have much experience in this area, but as an asexual, it would bother me if I felt pressured to have sex when I didn't want to. BUT I would also feel bad for not being able to give my partner that satisfaction. And I'm sure she probably feels something along those lines. I think it's best to talk to her about it if you do get back together, and come up with a solution that works for both of you regarding sex.

My main fear is that I will not do the best things I can to help her I personally know that with depression almost anyone who doesn't go through it is terrible at helping you feel better and sometimes makes it worse. I am pretty okay with understanding her depression and anxiety but I can not relate to some of these related issues so any help into understanding what she is going through would be sooooooo appreciated. And finially if there is any reading material someone could recommend I would be grateful preferably not a ton of books I dont have a ton of free time so something shorter would be cool. Once again thank you all so much for the help!

Edit: Actually if you have a good book that relates to this I would love to know about it so I can try and make time, Thanks again

Just by asking these questions and coming onto this forum, I think you're being a great friend. It's awesome you care enough about her to want to help her sort through all this :)

There are some books about asexuality out there, but not too many. One is The Invisible Orientation, which is available on amazon.

I'd recommend browsing through some of the threads on this forum, like the #AsexualProblems and Incredible Ace Moments threads, because those give insight into typical ace experiences that are different from those of sexual people.

Sorry I couldn't help more with your relationship-oriented questions, but I'm sure there are many here who can! :)

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Howdy, well... Sexuality is not a primary part of dating. It is purely sexual orientation, so who you desire/want to (or don't want to) have sex with. Dating is a mixture of people being compatible, romantic and sexual desire - as well as a lot of other factors.

You have to realise that if she is Asexual then it's almost like if a Homosexual tried having sex with you. You (presumably) don't have that attraction there. Many asexual people do enjoy sex, and many have a high libido. Basically, it's a situation that you would have to work out with her. If she is uncomfortable with it, then it should be a BIG no no. If she is up for it then knock yourself out... figuratively. It's about communication, as is so much in a relationship.

I get that talking can be hard. It's sensitive topics and she may feel broken or like people will reject her identity. Maybe show her this site, or anything else you've found. I dont have any reading, but youtube is full of useful videos

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Anime Pancake

Hey there

Asexual (to me) means a person doesn't have a desire to have sex.

So as far as dating, asexuality really doesn't have anything to do with dating, other than the fact that they probably wouldn't be interested in having sex if they date someone.

(Some asexuals are okay with having sex though)

Some asexuals desire romance, some asexuals are not interested in romance or dating at all.

I'm not really sure how you can help her other than being there for her if she wants to talk about anything. It sounds like she is still figuring things out. So maybe just let her know you're there to talk if she needs it.

Welcome to the forum!

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Starlit Sky

(First I'd like to apologize for any mistakes I make, since my Internet has decided it doesn't love me anymore haha)

It's always nice to hear from the people who are supportive. :)

Let me see . . . I can't really link to any places like I would like to, but I suggest both looking around on AVEN and also using Google to your advantage, as articles and threads on forums typically take less amount if time to read than actual books. ^_^ I will say that your friend doesn't sound like she necessarily knows that she is asexual, and so you should try to keep that in mind when comparing other peoples' stories ad experiences with hers.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person does not experience sexual attraction (or desire to have sex, as some people prefer). However, there is also such a thing as romantic attraction. Most peoples' romantic attraction is parallel with their sexual attraction (e.g., heteromantic heterosexual), but that isn't always the case. Many asexuals are romantic (i.e., heteromantic, homoromantic, panromantic, etc.), and many more are aromantic (meaning that they do not experience romantic attraction). I don't know if your friend is romantic or aromantic (or perhaps biromantic specifically), but either way someone being asexual doesn't mean you don't have a chance.

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It's good that you want to learn more to help your friend. An asexual doesn't have sexual urges/desires. This means that even though they can have sex to please their partners, they don't want it for themselves. This can make mixed relationships(relationships with one sexual and one asexual) very difficult because the people involved have different needs. The sexual and asexual person often both compromise in the relationship which can strain the relationship, and then both parties may also feel guilt for causing their partner to compromise on their account. Having a mixed relationship can be difficult, and I wouldn't recommend being with someone if you don't think you're compatible with them. That doesn't mean you don't like the person, just that your needs don't match up. That said, it sounds like you two have a good friendship and it would mean a lot if you could just be there for your friend while she's questioning her orientation. I don't mean to stop you from dating, but I'd just be cautious if you choose to and try to communicate your needs to each other so you know. Good luck.

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We both have issues with depression and anxiety and she has some schizophrenic tendencies too but its a weird situation so i'm not 100% sure if that's it. That being said when we met we were both in a horrible place and we related with a lot of stuff. Recently I have gotten much better, I'm off medication and doing great, but she is still suffering a bit.

:cake: I think that's pretty amazing that you managed to work through your issues. Do not give up. :)

When I read your post, there was a sort of dissonance I sensed there. Don't take this as criticism; Rather, I would simply like to help you understand yourself.

Don't get me wrong I'm not asking how I can get her to like me again or want to be with me or anything. I just love her more than anything else so I kind of want to know how I can support her through her decisions and give her what she needs.

If we do get back together what is the best way to handle sexual encounters when I want to without pressuring her and making her uncomfortable?

If you only want to support her, then it likely does not matter how you could handle these encounters. You could simply refrain from these sexual encounters to begin with. As an asexual, she would be more comfortable with this.

You are trying to be kind, and that is very good of you. A lot of people do not try. However, as you mentioned..

While we were dating I found it difficult to not get as much sexual attention as I needed but I was a lonely kid so I was used to it.

You have your own needs and desires, and please believe me, they are very important. You will not be able to feel desired in a relationship with an asexual, and you will have nobody else to give you the feeling that you are important to them as a sexual partner.

I will not tell you what to do. But I perceive these are your options. Either to prioritize your wish to be desired fully, as a sexual being, not just platonically. Or to seek a relationship with your friend and abandon this wish, at least for now.

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Has your friend fallen in love? Butterflies? Does she find people attractive?

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Since asexuality is an orientation like bisexuality, you can't be both. But it's possible to be "in the gray area" of sexuality, which means you don't experience as much sexual attraction as other people, or only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances. People who are bisexual but in the gray area usually identify as gray-bisexual or gray-sexual.

Im sorry but I don't fully understand this. Is there a differance between people who are asexual and want to be in a relationship with people of the same or both sexes and asexual people who typically want to be with someone of the oppasite sex? Or is it more just a case of non-asexual people make the decision of who to date typically based on who they are physically attracted to, and since that is not an issue for asexual people, they just date either typically? Im sorry that's kind of hard for me to grasp still :(

If you're a "grey-Asexual" it means you experience desire in certain circumstances, and in that case you could be bi. But a clear cut Asexual has no sexual desire.

However, if you experience Romantic or Aesthetic attraction to people, but you're a clear cut asexual - then you may feel like you're bi/homo/hetro sexual if you don't know asexuality is a thing... if that makes sence...

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Being asexual does not mean you don't have/enjoy sex. Asexuality is simply not having "normal" sexual urges and not finding anyone sexually attractive. She could be sex positive, sex neutral, or sex repulsed. I think the best course of action would be to talk to her about it.

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Oops, jprice I feel sorry for you. >_< The info you will find on AVEN is not always the most helpful for newbies, so don't let that confuse you.

There are some (many?) asexuals out there who have an inherently low opinion of sex. In this context, though, I suspect GothicPixi was talking about the fact that some asexuals are okay with having sex (for instance because they enjoy the physical sensation), while others are unwilling to have sex altogether.

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Also I was just thinking, obviously its not my place to speculate and certainly not decide what someone is, but would it be possible that she be gay and not be asexual, but just doesnt enjoy the act of sex? Maybe someone can tell me if that sounds semi reasonable based on what I have said about her, not definitely, just maybe a thing... She said something about being a homoromantic asexual?

In AVEN terms, she would be homoromantic asexual. Yes, it is possible.

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Sorry but the thing confusing me the most right now is how someone who is sex-negative thinks what they think. I am not assuming they are inherently wrong about their views or anything because I am pretty sure I just don't understand it. So I am not trying to offend anyone but if anyone could explain why they think it is like acceptable to look negatively upon someone based on their sexuality? I'm sure I made that sound a lot more horrible than it actually is but I just don't understand why someone, who I would imagine a lot of people who don't know, who probably has plenty of people who think they are weird or look negatively on them for not being sexually attracted to someone. So I would think that if they went through that they would tend to understand how hurtful that can be to someone else, and even if most people aren't really going to get offended if you have those viewpoints I think, principally I tend to think that you would still treat them as just different but certainly not lesser? I'm soooo sorry about that I really dont mean to hurt anyone's feelings I don't know enough information to form a solid opinion, so I want to clarify this before I unjustly think something wrong

Don't sweat it. As a side note, the term you will see used on AVEN for that attitude is "anti-sexual".

Hm.. Do you know that feeling when, for instance, a new movie or game comes out, or a major sports event is going on, and everyone is hyped about it, whereas you don't really understand why they're so excited? And maybe you start out neutral, but as you keep hearing about it from every channel, you sort of start disliking it? The guys over at TVTropes call it hype backlash. (Do NOT click this link if you value your time)

The same happens to many asexuals, only worse. They are being told that they are "broken" and mentally sick for not being as enthusiastic about sex as everyone else is. In essence, you are being rejected as a person, and that rejection breeds resentment. Many people, whether justified or not, then express that resentment by showing an equal amount of prejudice toward the group of people they received it from.

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I think part of the reason you're confused is that people are using terms to mean different things. I think Gothpixi was using the term sex positive to mean favorable to having sex yourself and sex negative to mean disliking sex yourself. However, other people use sex positive to mean being in favour of people having sex if they want it and sex negative to mean against anyone having sex. There are also issues with people using the word asexual to mean different things.

Since asexuality is an orientation like bisexuality, you can't be both. But it's possible to be "in the gray area" of sexuality, which means you don't experience as much sexual attraction as other people, or only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances. People who are bisexual but in the gray area usually identify as gray-bisexual or gray-sexual.

Im sorry but I don't fully understand this. Is there a differance between people who are asexual and want to be in a relationship with people of the same or both sexes and asexual people who typically want to be with someone of the oppasite sex? Or is it more just a case of non-asexual people make the decision of who to date typically based on who they are physically attracted to, and since that is not an issue for asexual people, they just date either typically? Im sorry that's kind of hard for me to grasp still :(

Asexual people can be any romantic orientation. They just don't desire sex while in relationships(or at any other time). Whether or not physical appearance has any effect on who they want to date depends on the asexual in question. There is a lot of variation amongst asexuals.

I appreciate you trying to be so understanding. The truth about a lot of the things you are confused about is that there isn't agreement among asexuals themselves and there is also a lot of variation. What you said in this thread is not offensive. It's really good you're trying so hard to be a good friend.

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Anime Pancake

Since asexuality is an orientation like bisexuality, you can't be both. But it's possible to be "in the gray area" of sexuality, which means you don't experience as much sexual attraction as other people, or only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances. People who are bisexual but in the gray area usually identify as gray-bisexual or gray-sexual.

Im sorry but I don't fully understand this. Is there a differance between people who are asexual and want to be in a relationship with people of the same or both sexes and asexual people who typically want to be with someone of the oppasite sex? Or is it more just a case of non-asexual people make the decision of who to date typically based on who they are physically attracted to, and since that is not an issue for asexual people, they just date either typically? Im sorry that's kind of hard for me to grasp still :(

No problem, ask as many questions as you want. Most of us are here to learn and help each other.

There are "romantic" and "aromantic" asexuals.

So the term for an asexual that dates the opposite sex is "hetero-romantic asexual"

Asexuals can't be bisexual but if an asexual person romantically dates both genders that is called "bi-romantic asexual"

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You are asking very good questions. Maybe we should compile them into a Q&A for newbies to this site. Wish the AVEN wiki would properly explain the things you're asking.

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WinterWanderer

Asexual people can be any romantic orientation. They just don't desire sex while in relationships. Whether or not physical appearance has any effect on who they want to date depends on the asexual in question. There is a lot of variation amongst asexuals.

I appreciate you trying to be so understanding. The truth about a lot of the things you are confused about is that there isn't agreement among asexuals themselves and there is also a lot of variation. What you said in this thread is not offensive. It's really good you're trying so hard to be a good friend.

Thank you so much, I get super nervous when I want to ask questions about a sensitive subject for some people, I know that there is an offensive way to think about things and there is certain "etiquette" that is polite to use and I really want to use and do that, but at the same time some questions I have could be taken as me being discriminatory against some people in some way and I totally don't mean that. I am just ignorant and asking what comes to my mind so I can begin to better understand the way asexual people think of things generally.

Thank you for clearing that up, I think it makes total sense that you can want to be in a relationship with one gender over another but still not be sexually attracted to either, kinda like someone who is bi with a preference for lets say women and starting to date a man that he likes for his personality but isn't maybe necessarily very sexually attracted to him. That was not really a perfect example, but kind of a similar situation in a way I think.

No problem, ask as many questions as you want. Most of us are here to learn and help each other.There are "romantic" and "aromantic" asexuals.So the term for an asexual that dates the opposite sex is "hetero-romantic asexual"Asexuals can't be bisexual but if an asexual person romantically dates both genders that is called "bi-romantic asexual"

ohhhh... I think I understand now, so its kind of like each part of what you prefer has a label and what you are together is like a combination of those. so like if someone doesn't like to date they are an aromantic asexual, or if they like to date but only women and they are a women too they are homo-romantic asexual, kind of like homosexual vs heterosexual then with either the romantic or aromantic thing then asexual? I think that's awesome because that is really useful in understanding pretty quickly how someone identifies themselves as opposed to them just explaining what they do/don't do or like/don't like.

One question, I don't think it is possible, but I am not sure. is it possible to have a hetero-aromantic vs a homo-aromantic asexual? Or is the prefix irrelevant because they don't want a relationship with either?

The prefix is usually irrelevant, because aromantics generally aren't interested in romantic relationships.

The jargon is kind of a mess, there are so many terms. :p I'm glad you find it helpful though! I feel like if I tell my friends I'm a gray-heteroromantic asexual, they would just look at me like I'm crazy haha. It's good to find that people outside the ace community find the terms to be more informative than burdensome. :)

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Anthracite_Impreza

You can have preferences for queerplatonic/companionate relationships (which are non-romantic, non-sexual relationships that are like super best friends), sensual (cuddles, close non-sexual contact etc.) and aesthetic (feeling drawn to looks) attractions.

Hope this helps!

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Anthracite_Impreza

You are correct, asexuals simply do not have a desire for sex, nothing else is (necessarily) affected. We still tend to have preferences for who we date, cuddle, like to stare at etc.

Tbh, there aren't all that many aces who are anti-sex, especially here. If someone holds that view then I will support their right to it, as long as they don't go around being hateful or harmful to anyone else. I myself am sex-repulsed and neutral; I neither encourage nor discourage people to engage in it but as for myself it is strictly off the table.

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I generally dislike it when people express anti-sexual views on Aven because I think it gives asexuals a bad reputation and I don't want people to be shamed for their sexuality. When threads about being against sex or sexuality do come up there are usually just as many asexuals objecting to the position as sexuals.(I am asexual)

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm repulsed in the way of the thought of me being in a sexual situation is not only utterly alien, but utterly abborant, disgusting and terrifying. Other people can do what they want, just leave me out of it (and make sure I don't have to hear it or come into contact with any 'fluids', because then I will puke and stab you in the eyes with a pencil).

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