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FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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Kestrel.

(I apologize, this is kind of long)

 

Hello. I am new to this site and have only recently discovered asexuality.

 

I'm 14 about to be 15 (female) and I'm wondering if I may be asexual. I've never had sex. I identify with being heteroromantic and like the idea of being with someone romantically in a relationship.  However, I am sex repulsed (I think you call it?). I don't like the idea of sex and could never see myself doing it. It's fine for other people, I mean it's their lives, but I'm just disgusted thinking about it. So I guess I fit the second definition of asexual. "Someone who has no desire for partnered sex."

 

However, I don't know if I feel sexual attraction. I know it may sound silly and it may be my lack of understanding on the topic, but I truly do not know if I feel sexual attraction. Of course, it may be the "colour-blind" situation where I don't know because I've never felt it, but I just feel lost regarding the topic. I do find some people attractive in the way that I like certain features about their face or think they're pretty, but I never think "wow, I'd like to have sex with them!" I don't know if I really feel no sexual attraction or if I may feel like I'm asexual because sex grosses me out and I don't like the thought of being pregnant. (May sound silly, but a real fear of mine)

 

I also worry that I may be too young to know for sure, but I remember always being this way. Even when I was younger and my parent gave me "the talk" I remember being disgusted by the idea of sex. I used to get so upset because growing up in a society where sex is one of the most important things apparently, I felt that I'd never get married and be alone because everyone wants sex and I'm too stubborn to do something I don't want to do. I feel like a relationship should be so much more than sex. I'm open to cuddles and maybe even kissing as forms of affection but I don't feel sex is necessary.

 

Up until recently I've said I would abstain from sex until marriage because I thought that's as close as I'd get to no sex. Also, when I expressed to my parents that I might never want to have sex my mother commented that "that's unrealistic." She's really open minded, but I don't think she understands my feelings on it or maybe thinks I'm too young to decide.

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TheAP

@Kestrel. You sound asexual to me. Liking someone's looks is aesthetic attraction, which asexuals can experience. If you don't desire sex with anyone, you can call yourself asexual.

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ChimChim
On 1/1/2018 at 5:36 PM, Tixie said:

Hi! I'm by no means an expert. I've only just made this account and I'm still figuring things out for myself as well.

However, it sounds to me like you might be aegosexual (definition from this site: A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies, or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein)

Hope this helps!

Thank you so much!! I’ll look into it more :) 

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Ms. Carolynne

Very informative thread, thanks a lot FaerieFate.

 

Now we need one on aromance :P I'm kind of romantically confused you could say. I think I'm demihetero-romantic though. I'll have to reflect on it some more, I guess. I had an odd scenario recently where I felt first stage romantic attraction (or whatever it's called), I didn't even really know this girl that well (we are coworkers, and I knew her for a couple weeks at that point) so it was odd. It passed and I no longer have feelings for that person. I usually have to know a girl well in order to have romantic feelings for them. But then again, some of my past crushes were maybe not as close as I asssume most demi-romantics require. I saw a thread on this issue, actually, but it turned into an arguement over semantics.

 

I'm certain I'm some sort of gray-romantic though, because I've been romantically attracted to a handful of people (but don't mind being single), most of them I think it qualifies as second stage and were demiromantic situations (sorry if I'm butchering the terminology), but some of them I wasn't very close to, I just knew them and was friends with them, so that was close enough for me. Then there's that aforementioned girl at work who keeps to herself that I don't know that well and am just acquainted to, it was an odd experience for me and something I've never experienced.

 

In the bigger picture I don't really get lonely or desire a relationship most of the time, although I've had my heart broken a couple time :'(

 

@Kestrel. I feel quite similar to you. Well, other than I can't get pregnant,  for obvious reasons :lol: I rarely feel sexual attraction myself (it does happen sometimes, but faintly, hence I'm gray), and I would say I'm sex averse. I too don't see myself having sex with another person, nor do I want to. It's just not something I'm drawn towards, or care about.

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FaerieFate
6 minutes ago, G1P0 said:

Very informative thread, thanks a lot FaerieFate.

 

Now we need one on aromance :P I'm kind of romantically confused you could say. I think I'm demihetero-romantic though. I'll have to reflect on it some more, I guess. I had an odd scenario recently where I felt first stage romantic attraction (or whatever it's called), I didn't even really know this girl that well (we are coworkers, and I knew her for a couple weeks at that point) so it was odd. It passed and I no longer have feelings for that person. I usually have to know a girl well in order to have romantic feelings for them. But then again, some of my past crushes were maybe not as close as I asssume most demi-romantics require. I saw a thread on this issue, actually, but it turned into an arguement over semantics.

 

I'm certain I'm some sort of gray-romantic though, because I've been romantically attracted to a handful of people (but don't mind being single), most of them I think it qualifies as second stage and were demiromantic situations (sorry if I'm butchering the terminology), but some of them I wasn't very close to, I just knew them and was friends with them, so that was close enough for me. Then there's that aforementioned girl at work who keeps to herself that I don't know that well and am just acquainted to, it was an odd experience for me and something I've never experienced.

 

In the bigger picture I don't really get lonely or desire a relationship most of the time, although I've had my heart broken a couple time :'(

 

@Kestrel. I feel quite similar to you. Well, other than I can't get pregnant,  for obvious reasons :lol: I rarely feel sexual attraction myself (it does happen sometimes, but faintly, hence I'm gray), and I would say I'm sex averse. I too don't see myself having sex with another person, nor do I want to. It's just not something I'm drawn towards, or care about.

Glad you liked it. Since I'm sapioromatic and trying to figure myself out romantically, I don't really feel qualified to make one for aromance. Also since I'm not the mod of Romantic and Aromantic orientations board I don't feel like it's my place to make such a thread (since it'd be made for that board if I made one).

 

But I will take your suggestion to make such a thread into consideration. Who knows, maybe when I figure out my own romantic feelings I will decide to expand my horizons and mod that board and make a thread for there.

 

As for your romance questions specifically, it sounds to me like you already got your own romantic orientation figured out without my help. Some people you have to be closer to in order to feel romantic feelings for because you have to know them better. That doesn't necessarily mean you are demi-romantic . I feel like every romantic orientation has some people where they just have to get to know them better to be romantically attracted to them. However, if that was always the case, then I'd say you are demi-romantic. If it's only occasionally the case you might not be demi.

 

I hope that helps. I'm really bad with words, which is why I bother to make threads like this. I spend months writing the perfect responses, then I just have to link or quote things I've already written and explain why I'm linking it. It helps me sound less stupid. :P

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alibali

One of the hardest issues for asexuals to face is the knowledge that it is difficult to find someone of like mind to share your life with. Friends are all very well but if they are sexual and most will be, they will be seeking a significant other.

 

I would say that the only people who do not want a significant other in their life who is there just for them is aromantic.

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FaerieFate
4 hours ago, alibali said:

One of the hardest issues for asexuals to face is the knowledge that it is difficult to find someone of like mind to share your life with. Friends are all very well but if they are sexual and most will be, they will be seeking a significant other.

 

I would say that the only people who do not want a significant other in their life who is there just for them is aromantic.

Aromantics sometimes want a significant other. They just have queer platonic relationships.

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alibali

I don't know what is the difference between a romantic relationship without sex and a platonic one?

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FaerieFate
12 hours ago, alibali said:

I don't know what is the difference between a romantic relationship without sex and a platonic one?

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

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I'm Crazy

I don't know what I am... I have had a few crushes before, I have a crush now too, but the idea of 💗 is gross. I can't imagine ever doing that. I remember in middle school, my friend made a joke that I wanted to have 💗 with my crush, and I was really confused because I didn't. I get butterflies in my stomach and stuff, but is that romantic? Please help.

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FaerieFate
51 minutes ago, I'm Crazy said:

I don't know what I am... I have had a few crushes before, I have a crush now too, but the idea of 💗 is gross. I can't imagine ever doing that. I remember in middle school, my friend made a joke that I wanted to have 💗 with my crush, and I was really confused because I didn't. I get butterflies in my stomach and stuff, but is that romantic? Please help.

Butterflies in the stomach could be platonic, sensual, aestetic, romantic, platonic, or sexual attraction. If you don't desire sex, then you're probably asexual. Read the first few posts in this thread to learn more and get a better ideas of if you're asexual or not. If you're grossed out by the idea of sex, you also might be sex repulsed, and I have a link for that if you want to figure out if that's you as well (you can be asexual, sex repulsed, both, or neither all is normal).

 

But there was someone that was really cool that gave me butterflies because I wanted to be friends with them. There's someone I'm romantically attracted to that's always given me butterflies. And there's a few people that are aestetically pleasing that gives me butterflies (I'm not a sensual person, really). So that could mean anything, though a crush is really romantic (a squish is platonic). Like I said, navigate my first few posts and read up more for more info!

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Ocelot.E

Hi! I'm new so I don't really know how this works, but I am questioning my sexuality and can use some guidelines I guess.(this might be kinda long)

 

To start, I am 13, a few months from being 14(female). I have never had a crush, never kissed/been kissed, and have only been in one relationship(guilttripped into that one).

Immediately when I started middle school(6th grade) everyone jumped into relationships or got crushes, and I was confused. I knew I didn't want a relationship at the time and wanted to wait till high school, but shouldn't i get a crush on someone?

 

At about the middle of 7th grade, an 8th grader that I had a few classes with(band and tennis) told me he liked me. I had no feelings toward him other than that of a friend. But, as the empathetic and caring person I am told i am, I said ok to a relationship. I didnt want to hurt his feelings. He was a hopeless romantic, so to speak, and on countless occasions he asked if he could kiss me. I always said no, because the thought of kissing someone was farfetched to me. I broke up with him after two months because i just didnt want to deal with it anymore. 

 

I have told my friends about all this, and they keep saying it sounds like I am a romantic or asexual. I have never felt the need to have sex, and it has also disgusted me at times. I have never had the 'butterflies in the stomach moment when talking to a person. But my other problem is that because I am so young, I don't want to label myself immediately or make assumptions. I could really use some helpful tips or guidelines or anything to help me become more sure of myself and my sexuality.

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, Ocelot.E said:

Hi! I'm new so I don't really know how this works, but I am questioning my sexuality and can use some guidelines I guess.(this might be kinda long)

 

To start, I am 13, a few months from being 14(female). I have never had a crush, never kissed/been kissed, and have only been in one relationship(guilttripped into that one).

Immediately when I started middle school(6th grade) everyone jumped into relationships or got crushes, and I was confused. I knew I didn't want a relationship at the time and wanted to wait till high school, but shouldn't i get a crush on someone?

 

At about the middle of 7th grade, an 8th grader that I had a few classes with(band and tennis) told me he liked me. I had no feelings toward him other than that of a friend. But, as the empathetic and caring person I am told i am, I said ok to a relationship. I didnt want to hurt his feelings. He was a hopeless romantic, so to speak, and on countless occasions he asked if he could kiss me. I always said no, because the thought of kissing someone was farfetched to me. I broke up with him after two months because i just didnt want to deal with it anymore. 

 

I have told my friends about all this, and they keep saying it sounds like I am a romantic or asexual. I have never felt the need to have sex, and it has also disgusted me at times. I have never had the 'butterflies in the stomach moment when talking to a person. But my other problem is that because I am so young, I don't want to label myself immediately or make assumptions. I could really use some helpful tips or guidelines or anything to help me become more sure of myself and my sexuality.

It seems like you figured yourself out pretty well, now. I'd suggest just think about what you've presented thus far. Just take the time to think about it, and think about how it sounds to call yourself aromantic and asexual. You have all of the cards in your hand, so just take the time to think it over. It took me a few months after I joined AVEN to come to terms with being asexual myself, and it is a huge deal to consider it because it does mean questioning yourself. I just say be patient and think it through, you'll figure it out.

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letsusethethinkingchair

This seems like the place to ask my question. What if you identify with more than one? I identify with demisexual and demiromantic but I also identify with quoisexual and quoiromantic. I guess what I'm asking is if there's some sort of term for those in my situation.

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, upcummingattractions said:

This seems like the place to ask my question. What if you identify with more than one? I identify with demisexual and demiromantic but I also identify with quoisexual and quoiromantic. I guess what I'm asking is if there's some sort of term for those in my situation.

There's no such term for that. What people usually do is they either call themselves by the one that fits them the most, the one that requires the least explaining, or they just go by both. 

 

For instance I'm sapioromantic panromantic asexual. But I usually just go by panromantic unless sapioromantic is brought up in the conversation because I don't want to deal with explaining sapio

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if only I was a dragon
On 1/15/2018 at 7:55 AM, Ocelot.E said:

Hi! I'm new so I don't really know how this works, but I am questioning my sexuality and can use some guidelines I guess.(this might be kinda long)

 

To start, I am 13, a few months from being 14(female). I have never had a crush, never kissed/been kissed, and have only been in one relationship(guilttripped into that one).

Immediately when I started middle school(6th grade) everyone jumped into relationships or got crushes, and I was confused. I knew I didn't want a relationship at the time and wanted to wait till high school, but shouldn't i get a crush on someone?

Just my two cents - my mother didn't get her first crush on anybody until she was nineteen (and she's not asexual or demi or anything, happily married w/ four kids, one of whom is me o' course, yadda yadda). For some people it just doesn't happen until they're a bit older and more mature. I'm not saying you're anything one way or the other, just... maybe don't take the stupidity of everyone around you too seriously? (Why do I say stupidity, you ask? The 13-15 age range is kind of awful by itself, as your intelligence is pretty much adultish but physiologically your brain's ability to make judgements and regulate emotions/self control is not there yet. This combination = a confusing and awkward time in your life. Imo, dating is really not a good thing to add to that.)

 

Also, I'm not sure how much credibility I put in this, but I've heard one theory about crushes that if you know that you don't want a relationship with anybody right then, you're less likely to get a crush because you're not looking at other people that way as much. On the flipside, wanting a relationship=more likely to get a crush on somebody. Again - not sure how true this is, but who knows.

 

So, eh. I dunno if that was helpful. I really only started considering I was asexual after I was solidly into my 19th year of life precisely because of my mom's experience as a teen, so I'm not sure how credible I even am, but... Well, you're under no obligation to believe me!

 

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mxx

Hey there. I just came up with this website. Searching for something else but decided to ask my condition and see if there is any defition for it. 

I'm about to become 27, male. I only had 1 girlfriend more than 10 years ago and it lasted about 1 month or so. I always thought about the feelings that I have back then and kind of scared to looking for another one. I feel like when I started to know someone I'm loosing my interest in them. This situation is valid for both romantic and normal friendship. That doesn't mean I don't have any friend but I only have few long term friends and not regularly seeing them. For years I was a devoted believer so I always thought I'm just blocking myself for religious thoughts but for about a year I have no religious dogmas and any other restrictive opinions. Still I can't find any urge to find someone to have a life together. I think it's kind of phobia or something like that. I find lots of people attractive but then I think it's gonna be gone after sometimes and doesn't even bother me for a try.

I found in your post the description of fraysexual but not sure if this is my case. Thanks in advance. (english is not my mother language so forgive my for the mistakes in my writing.)

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FaerieFate
On 1/20/2018 at 1:48 AM, if only I was a dragon said:

Just my two cents - my mother didn't get her first crush on anybody until she was nineteen (and she's not asexual or demi or anything, happily married w/ four kids, one of whom is me o' course, yadda yadda). For some people it just doesn't happen until they're a bit older and more mature. I'm not saying you're anything one way or the other, just... maybe don't take the stupidity of everyone around you too seriously? (Why do I say stupidity, you ask? The 13-15 age range is kind of awful by itself, as your intelligence is pretty much adultish but physiologically your brain's ability to make judgements and regulate emotions/self control is not there yet. This combination = a confusing and awkward time in your life. Imo, dating is really not a good thing to add to that.)

 

Also, I'm not sure how much credibility I put in this, but I've heard one theory about crushes that if you know that you don't want a relationship with anybody right then, you're less likely to get a crush because you're not looking at other people that way as much. On the flipside, wanting a relationship=more likely to get a crush on somebody. Again - not sure how true this is, but who knows.

 

So, eh. I dunno if that was helpful. I really only started considering I was asexual after I was solidly into my 19th year of life precisely because of my mom's experience as a teen, so I'm not sure how credible I even am, but... Well, you're under no obligation to believe me!

 

My two cents for your two cents? Crushes are based on romantic attraction and not sexual attraction. And while I do understand some people can be late bloomers (I developed my libido when I was 20 (estimating because I don't know the exact age) I don't think there's any harm in them calling themselves asexual as long as they are able to be respectful to asexuality and not invalidate if once they learn that they are late bloomers. Everyone is different, but it's no secret that a majority of peopel developre their sexual attraction during puberty.

 

On 1/23/2018 at 2:24 PM, mxx said:

Hey there. I just came up with this website. Searching for something else but decided to ask my condition and see if there is any defition for it. 

I'm about to become 27, male. I only had 1 girlfriend more than 10 years ago and it lasted about 1 month or so. I always thought about the feelings that I have back then and kind of scared to looking for another one. I feel like when I started to know someone I'm loosing my interest in them. This situation is valid for both romantic and normal friendship. That doesn't mean I don't have any friend but I only have few long term friends and not regularly seeing them. For years I was a devoted believer so I always thought I'm just blocking myself for religious thoughts but for about a year I have no religious dogmas and any other restrictive opinions. Still I can't find any urge to find someone to have a life together. I think it's kind of phobia or something like that. I find lots of people attractive but then I think it's gonna be gone after sometimes and doesn't even bother me for a try.

I found in your post the description of fraysexual but not sure if this is my case. Thanks in advance. (english is not my mother language so forgive my for the mistakes in my writing.)

Your English is fine. I was able to understand what you siad better than people who have English as their first language, so don't worry about that.

 

Hmm... It really depends on what you mean by "finding someone attractive." There's aestetic attraction, in which you just like how someone looks. This isn't sexual or romantic (usually). There's romantic attraction, in which you want to date someone or have a romantic relationship. Then there's sexual attraction in which you want to engage in sexual activities with the person.

 

I can't really label you, but based on what you've described, I could see you being asexual or aromantic. I don't really know if you're really afraid to be in a relationship or not, but if you're simply not interested then you are probably aromantic. If you're afraid, then I think you should give yourself some time to get over your fears and figure out how you feel about relationships before you worry about labelling yourself.

 

There's nothing wrong with not having a label if you're simply trying to get to a place where you can accurately label yourself, and I think it's far better for your mental health if you be patient with it.

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Mafer_Potter

Hi! I just wanted to say thank you to the creators of this post and the members for sharing their input, knowledge and opinions. It has helped me tremendously and will continue to do so.

 

So, thank you thank you thank you ! :)

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, she_who_counted said:

Hi! I just wanted to say thank you to the creators of this post and the members for sharing their input, knowledge and opinions. It has helped me tremendously and will continue to do so.

 

So, thank you thank you thank you ! :)

You're welcome. I spent a few months on it, but I couldn't have done it without those that made the resources I provided or those I linked in the OP who gave me suggestions and helped me word my thoughts. I hope to add more info in the future if I can think of anything. 

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AmeliaMichelle

how does celibacy compare with a-sexuality in your opinion?

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TheAP
1 hour ago, AmeliaMichelle said:

how does celibacy compare with a-sexuality in your opinion?

Celibacy is a voluntary choice. A celibate person may experience sexual attraction, but chooses not to act on it. Asexuality, on the other hand, is not a choice. It's a lack of sexual attraction. An asexual might have sex with others for whatever reason, but doesn't feel any sexual attraction.

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FaerieFate
5 hours ago, AmeliaMichelle said:

how does celibacy compare with a-sexuality in your opinion?

Adding to what TheAP said, There are many reasons to be sexually active, just as there are many reasons to not be sexually active. Asexuals can be active for many reasons. There's health benefits, it's good for relationships, it makes it easier to have a baby, it feels good, etc. Asexuals can have a libido. OR they can have sex even if they don't have a libido. Either is possible.

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AmeliaMichelle

I've been struggling lately with my own celibacy, I have been celibate for over four years now, I have never been in a long term relationship and I've never dated--sorry to share another personal story, but i've been wondering and I've been getting anxious about some of my thoughts around sex lately, I feel as though slipping into anti-sex thought and plain disgust is definitely not where I would like to be as a decent human, but I find it increasingly easy to just think ew, gross or how belittling and disgusting sometimes when sexuality comes up. especially in such a promiscuous time, I need to maybe shift my way of thinking so that i'm not just annoyed or frustrated; I don't feel as though I have any sort of difficulty in wanting sex or having to ward it off or deny myself, but I do feel like i'm getting more and more judgmental toward promiscuity and perversion, and oftentimes I've heard that anxiousness about perversion becomes perversion itself. I want to be as empathetic as possible to those around me, and I want to feel comfortable with myself. thanks for letting me vent/buffer.

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FaerieFate
1 minute ago, AmeliaMichelle said:

I've been struggling lately with my own celibacy, I have been celibate for over four years now, I have never been in a long term relationship and I've never dated--sorry to share another personal story, but i've been wondering and I've been getting anxious about some of my thoughts around sex lately, I feel as though slipping into anti-sex thought and plain disgust is definitely not where I would like to be as a decent human, but I find it increasingly easy to just think ew, gross or how belittling and disgusting sometimes when sexuality comes up. especially in such a promiscuous time, I need to maybe shift my way of thinking so that i'm not just annoyed or frustrated; I don't feel as though I have any sort of difficulty in wanting sex or having to ward it off or deny myself, but I do feel like i'm getting more and more judgmental toward promiscuity and perversion, and oftentimes I've heard that anxiousness about perversion becomes perversion itself. I want to be as empathetic as possible to those around me, and I want to feel comfortable with myself. thanks for letting me vent/buffer.

No problem! I was pretty sex-repulsed when I first joined AVEN. To be fair, there's nothing wrong with being sex-repulsed, I've just changed over the 5-6 years I've been here. But on AVEN we always try to encourage sex-positivity.

 

I don't know if you were looking for advice or just a place to vent. Either is fine, but really the way I look at is is how I stated it above. There's many reasons to have sex. It feels good. There's health benefits. It strengthens relationships. That doesn't mean that sex is for everyone, but for those that do enjoy sex, then good for them. They are happy and experiencing all of these benefits. I just happen to be happy without any of it. Let's both just be happy!

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AmeliaMichelle
1 minute ago, FaerieFate said:

No problem! I was pretty sex-repulsed when I first joined AVEN. To be fair, there's nothing wrong with being sex-repulsed, I've just changed over the 5-6 years I've been here. But on AVEN we always try to encourage sex-positivity.

 

I don't know if you were looking for advice or just a place to vent. Either is fine, but really the way I look at is is how I stated it above. There's many reasons to have sex. It feels good. There's health benefits. It strengthens relationships. That doesn't mean that sex is for everyone, but for those that do enjoy sex, then good for them. They are happy and experiencing all of these benefits. I just happen to be happy without any of it. Let's both just be happy!

yeah! i'm always down for some advice, I appreciate you reading that. like I said, I definitely don't want to become resentful of others' sexuality in any way, irregardless of what that is or means to them. And, trying to escape some of that elitism which sometimes sneaks in: Happiness is always the pursuit! 

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bitton

Mh I'm really nervous writing this and not sure where to begin but I'm gonna try so bear with me. I've tried talking to some friends about this but it's never seemed like they really understood, since they can't relate so the conversation never really goes anywhere. Don't get me wrong, they're supportive. That's not the problem. It's just. It kind of feels like they're only supportive because of their principles, not because they believe me? But like. I guess even though I'm starting to accept this part of myself, I just really feel like something still isn't fitting properly into place? I don't know if I'm missing something or I just need to get used to it?

 

I've only been toying with the idea of being asexual for about six months now and actively identifying that way for about two or three. I have a history of changing labels, and to an extent I've always thought of sexuality as something fluid but I feel like this thing, this label is so much more serious than my back and forth in high school of "am I bi or am I pan?" But it's also making me question a lot of things I thought I knew about myself. Because I've had a lot of sexual partners, I've always thought I couldn't be or relate to asexual folks. But now, I see sexual behavior or try to remember what it feels like and just feel. Alien. It's hard to explain.

 

I'm not even sure what my questions are and it feels like this is dragging on but I just. I feel like I've been lying to myself for a long time. Maybe that's why I'm upset. Because I assumed I was "normal" and now I feel like I'm not even though logically, I know being asexual is just as normal as any other sexuality. And like. When I was calling myself bi, I never felt like this. Being bi felt normal. But now it doesn't feel like me and I can't even relate to that "past" me? Like was I sexually attracted to the people I had sex with or did I just tell myself I was so I could do "normal" people things. Was I tricking myself or have I just changed. I know so many people who have just said "I've never felt that way" and that's now they knew but. How do you know if you were so socially programmed into sexual behaviors that you never questioned it before? How do you identify what is social programming and what is your real self?

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OptimisticPessimist
12 hours ago, bitton said:

Mh I'm really nervous writing this and not sure where to begin but I'm gonna try so bear with me. I've tried talking to some friends about this but it's never seemed like they really understood, since they can't relate so the conversation never really goes anywhere. Don't get me wrong, they're supportive. That's not the problem. It's just. It kind of feels like they're only supportive because of their principles, not because they believe me? But like. I guess even though I'm starting to accept this part of myself, I just really feel like something still isn't fitting properly into place? I don't know if I'm missing something or I just need to get used to it?

 

I've only been toying with the idea of being asexual for about six months now and actively identifying that way for about two or three. I have a history of changing labels, and to an extent I've always thought of sexuality as something fluid but I feel like this thing, this label is so much more serious than my back and forth in high school of "am I bi or am I pan?" But it's also making me question a lot of things I thought I knew about myself. Because I've had a lot of sexual partners, I've always thought I couldn't be or relate to asexual folks. But now, I see sexual behavior or try to remember what it feels like and just feel. Alien. It's hard to explain.

 

I'm not even sure what my questions are and it feels like this is dragging on but I just. I feel like I've been lying to myself for a long time. Maybe that's why I'm upset. Because I assumed I was "normal" and now I feel like I'm not even though logically, I know being asexual is just as normal as any other sexuality. And like. When I was calling myself bi, I never felt like this. Being bi felt normal. But now it doesn't feel like me and I can't even relate to that "past" me? Like was I sexually attracted to the people I had sex with or did I just tell myself I was so I could do "normal" people things. Was I tricking myself or have I just changed. I know so many people who have just said "I've never felt that way" and that's now they knew but. How do you know if you were so socially programmed into sexual behaviors that you never questioned it before? How do you identify what is social programming and what is your real self?

Welcome :cake::cake::cake:

 

You are normal, what your experiencing is normal. It's ok to explore and change labels. These things can take time to figure out and that's ok. As far as Asexuality goes, i'd think about if you experience sexual attraction or have ever felt it, that can help in discovering where you are on the Ace spectrum or if your not on the Ace spectrum. Either way your normal and valid, 

 

Maybe you could explain further to your friends.

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, bitton said:

Mh I'm really nervous writing this and not sure where to begin but I'm gonna try so bear with me. I've tried talking to some friends about this but it's never seemed like they really understood, since they can't relate so the conversation never really goes anywhere. Don't get me wrong, they're supportive. That's not the problem. It's just. It kind of feels like they're only supportive because of their principles, not because they believe me? But like. I guess even though I'm starting to accept this part of myself, I just really feel like something still isn't fitting properly into place? I don't know if I'm missing something or I just need to get used to it?

 

I've only been toying with the idea of being asexual for about six months now and actively identifying that way for about two or three. I have a history of changing labels, and to an extent I've always thought of sexuality as something fluid but I feel like this thing, this label is so much more serious than my back and forth in high school of "am I bi or am I pan?" But it's also making me question a lot of things I thought I knew about myself. Because I've had a lot of sexual partners, I've always thought I couldn't be or relate to asexual folks. But now, I see sexual behavior or try to remember what it feels like and just feel. Alien. It's hard to explain.

 

I'm not even sure what my questions are and it feels like this is dragging on but I just. I feel like I've been lying to myself for a long time. Maybe that's why I'm upset. Because I assumed I was "normal" and now I feel like I'm not even though logically, I know being asexual is just as normal as any other sexuality. And like. When I was calling myself bi, I never felt like this. Being bi felt normal. But now it doesn't feel like me and I can't even relate to that "past" me? Like was I sexually attracted to the people I had sex with or did I just tell myself I was so I could do "normal" people things. Was I tricking myself or have I just changed. I know so many people who have just said "I've never felt that way" and that's now they knew but. How do you know if you were so socially programmed into sexual behaviors that you never questioned it before? How do you identify what is social programming and what is your real self?

Sexuality can be fluid, and it can change. I've seen it happen. At the same time, you could also just act a certain way because that's what society tells you is normal. I had a huge crush on a character from my favorite show growing up, but I convinced myself I didn't because she was a girl and that wasn't normal. 

 

But what was true then doesn't really matter. What matters is you're asexual NOW.

 

As for your friends, I have a few people in my life that are the same way. I don't really have advice. Just keep living your best life. No guarantee they'll change their mind on it, but you shouldn't let their thoughts and feelings negatively impact your life. You be you, and if they can't handle it they can leave.

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Toria1
On 08/11/2016 at 3:56 PM, FaerieFate said:

Being turned on by images or fantasies of sex is very different than actually wanting sex. Asexuality is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, and sexual attraction is actually desiring sex with another person. 

This is really interesting! Reading things I think I might be Bellusexual with a hint of sapiosexual but for ages have considered myself on the demi area of sexuality leaning toward demihomosexual though my one partner identified as a male. I find people attractive but don't want sex or at least receive it. In my one VERY brief relationship i was fine and enjoyed giving my partner pleasure but i just couldn't enjoy it when they returned the favour and I've always struggled with masturbation but I've always been aroused imagining sexual lives of well fictional relationships or even with myself. I love physical effection though in terms of cuddling, kisses and even 'foreplay'/playing with my body. It's just when my vagina is touched i lose all sexual interest

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