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FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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FaerieFate
44 minutes ago, cyelliott said:

Hi, until very recently I considered myself bisexual as I find both males and females attractive, however very recently I've discovered intimacy like kissing to be physically not only intimidating but unemployable for myself, and I'm unsure as to what to do with this new information, as I've never had sex due to never having the urge or option, and I've only kissed anyone recently and like I said found it truly unemployable and really entirely uncomfortable for myself

Try this post.

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Takejiro24

Hello! So...I have recently been identifying as a biromantic homosexual. I have had crushes on both genders but only romantic attraction for the opposite gender. While I normally experience sexual attraction to the same gender, I am finding this to be a bit of a muddled issue as of late.

Currently, I have strong feelings for one of my same sex friends and I can see us being a very romantic (cuddling, holding hands, even kissing) but......I can't see myself having a sexual relationship with him. When I try to entertain the possibility, the idea immediately puts me off, seemingly to the point of outright disgust.

Then, I remembered that the last person I had a crush on (years ago back in high school) was also of the same sex.....and I couldn't see myself in a sexual relationship with them either. Now, I don't know what this means.

Looking at your definitions, I'd likely be fraysexual or autochorissexual? Am I the opposite of a demisexual? Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

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FaerieFate
4 hours ago, Takejiro24 said:

Hello! So...I have recently been identifying as a biromantic homosexual. I have had crushes on both genders but only romantic attraction for the opposite gender. While I normally experience sexual attraction to the same gender, I am finding this to be a bit of a muddled issue as of late.

Currently, I have strong feelings for one of my same sex friends and I can see us being a very romantic (cuddling, holding hands, even kissing) but......I can't see myself having a sexual relationship with him. When I try to entertain the possibility, the idea immediately puts me off, seemingly to the point of outright disgust.

Then, I remembered that the last person I had a crush on (years ago back in high school) was also of the same sex.....and I couldn't see myself in a sexual relationship with them either. Now, I don't know what this means.

Looking at your definitions, I'd likely be fraysexual or autochorissexual? Am I the opposite of a demisexual? Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

I know it's not help, but only you can label yourself. If you feel the term fits you, then it's probably accurate. Also look at the Sexuality Master list linked in the same post for more ideas.

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Takejiro24
On 9/4/2017 at 0:37 AM, FaerieFate said:

I know it's not help, but only you can label yourself. If you feel the term fits you, then it's probably accurate. Also look at the Sexuality Master list linked in the same post for more ideas.

Thanks for the response. Going back to the post as you advise did clear some things up for me.

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luisa123

i think i might be assexual or grey-a but i'm not really sure..

i had sex in the past but the only times it happened i was drunk at the time and right after it started i would start to feel uncomfortable and want it to stop. i do get turned on by reading or seeing erotic things. i do know that i have romantic attraction towards people but when i think that i might have to have sex with them i become nervous and unconfortable that i'll have to do that again and i won't like it. but i'm not sure if it's just because i'm not confortable with people seeing my body and touching me like that or if i'm actual ace. i also don't know if it's it's because "i am not ready yet" and later i'll like it. i feel like i want to want to have sex but i don't actually do want it. so i don't really know what i am.. and i'm starting to see someone and i'm too afraid to talk about this with them because i'll probably get dumped because of not wanting to have sex at least not anytime soon..

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TheAP
5 hours ago, luisa123 said:

i think i might be assexual or grey-a but i'm not really sure..

i had sex in the past but the only times it happened i was drunk at the time and right after it started i would start to feel uncomfortable and want it to stop. i do get turned on by reading or seeing erotic things. i do know that i have romantic attraction towards people but when i think that i might have to have sex with them i become nervous and unconfortable that i'll have to do that again and i won't like it. but i'm not sure if it's just because i'm not confortable with people seeing my body and touching me like that or if i'm actual ace. i also don't know if it's it's because "i am not ready yet" and later i'll like it. i feel like i want to want to have sex but i don't actually do want it. so i don't really know what i am.. and i'm starting to see someone and i'm too afraid to talk about this with them because i'll probably get dumped because of not wanting to have sex at least not anytime soon..

You sound asexual to me. Only you can decide what you are, though. Best of luck. :)

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FaerieFate
On 10/1/2017 at 8:17 PM, luisa123 said:

i think i might be assexual or grey-a but i'm not really sure..

i had sex in the past but the only times it happened i was drunk at the time and right after it started i would start to feel uncomfortable and want it to stop. i do get turned on by reading or seeing erotic things. i do know that i have romantic attraction towards people but when i think that i might have to have sex with them i become nervous and unconfortable that i'll have to do that again and i won't like it. but i'm not sure if it's just because i'm not confortable with people seeing my body and touching me like that or if i'm actual ace. i also don't know if it's it's because "i am not ready yet" and later i'll like it. i feel like i want to want to have sex but i don't actually do want it. so i don't really know what i am.. and i'm starting to see someone and i'm too afraid to talk about this with them because i'll probably get dumped because of not wanting to have sex at least not anytime soon..

How you act drunk has no effect on your sexual orientation, as many people act differently drunk than they would sober. I've know homosexual people that had sex with the opposite gender while drunk and heterosexual people that have hit on the same sex while drunk. Furthermore, whether or not you're sexually active has no effect on you (a)sexuality. This is because there are many reasons to be sexually active, and there are a lot of benefits to sex. Some people do it to be closer to their partners, sex has been known to reduce pain, increase dopamine, and has many other health benefits.

 

Your romantic orientation can differ from your sexual orientation, so it's okay to be romantically attracted to someone and not sexually so, but people define romantic and sexual things differently. Some think kissing is romantic, some think it's sexual. Same goes for snuggling. So it really depends on how you define it.

 

I'd like you to read the information on this post when you are wondering if you're not ready yet, as it's a lot of information for me to summarize, too much.

 

As for worrying it someone will dump you because you're not sexually attracted to them, perhaps they aren't the person for you if they think that way? I've told many people, "Hey, I'm not interested in sex. So I know you like me, and I really like you too, but I want to make sure that's not something you expect of this relationship." I mean, find your own way to word it, but it's important to discuss in a relationship the expectations and what each person wants.

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Cadencetheperson

Hello,

I'm 13 years old and I'm questioning my sexuality because when I think of sex it never has interested me like people I've met irl or online but I still want a relationship with someone but a relationship that is more than a friendship but still I don't want to have sex with any gender I know I must fall under some kind of asexaulality but I have no idea witch because their all so complicated to me can someone help please?

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FaerieFate
1 hour ago, Cadencetheperson said:

Hello,

I'm 13 years old and I'm questioning my sexuality because when I think of sex it never has interested me like people I've met irl or online but I still want a relationship with someone but a relationship that is more than a friendship but still I don't want to have sex with any gender I know I must fall under some kind of asexaulality but I have no idea witch because their all so complicated to me can someone help please?

Try this post.

 

 

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Han MinJu

I'm Minju. 

I've been questioning my sexuality for quite sometimes but lately i've been thinking about it more. Hope with my story, you can see through my mind and help guide me find myself.. 

(This may be too long but i hope you dont mind.)

 

I live in a country or maybe i was just surrounded with the kind of people that always talk about crushes. Ever since i was 6, thats the kind of mentality i was forced to have, that i should like someone. Whenever my friends asked me who do i like, i'll usually just point out to the one who stands out the most to me. People who are aesthetically pleasing to me.

 

It wasn't that bad of an issue when i was younger. But when i entered highschool, the confusion and questions can keep me up all night. All of my friends, fall in love, but i dont know, how it felt like to LOVE someone. Yeah sure, Im attracted to goodlooking people, but ive never felt any kind of urge that people called love. Butterflies in the stomach and all that jazz. It felt so alien to me...

 

The closest ive been to fall for someone was 2 years back. He did something nice, something unexpected, and i was in awe. Then i noticed how having him around me makes me feel sorta happy. I truly thought i was in love. But it doesnt last that long because soon i discover the feeling is more similar to a feeling of gratitude and appreciation.

 

One thing i know for sure, I am not aromantic. I fantasize about having a loving moments with a partner a lot, but i noticed that i never fantasize about something sexual.

 

I discover about the terms asexual last year, and i felt some kind of connection to the title. But the terms of sexual attraction is not something i can understand.. i dont think it just merely means you want to have sex with somebody if you are sexually attracted to them right? I think it might have a more definite meaning but i just couldnt understand...

 

God, tbh i dont know.. what is my sexuality?

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FaerieFate
4 hours ago, Han MinJu said:

I'm Minju. 

I've been questioning my sexuality for quite sometimes but lately i've been thinking about it more. Hope with my story, you can see through my mind and help guide me find myself.. 

(This may be too long but i hope you dont mind.)

 

I live in a country or maybe i was just surrounded with the kind of people that always talk about crushes. Ever since i was 6, thats the kind of mentality i was forced to have, that i should like someone. Whenever my friends asked me who do i like, i'll usually just point out to the one who stands out the most to me. People who are aesthetically pleasing to me.

 

It wasn't that bad of an issue when i was younger. But when i entered highschool, the confusion and questions can keep me up all night. All of my friends, fall in love, but i dont know, how it felt like to LOVE someone. Yeah sure, Im attracted to goodlooking people, but ive never felt any kind of urge that people called love. Butterflies in the stomach and all that jazz. It felt so alien to me...

 

The closest ive been to fall for someone was 2 years back. He did something nice, something unexpected, and i was in awe. Then i noticed how having him around me makes me feel sorta happy. I truly thought i was in love. But it doesnt last that long because soon i discover the feeling is more similar to a feeling of gratitude and appreciation.

 

One thing i know for sure, I am not aromantic. I fantasize about having a loving moments with a partner a lot, but i noticed that i never fantasize about something sexual.

 

I discover about the terms asexual last year, and i felt some kind of connection to the title. But the terms of sexual attraction is not something i can understand.. i dont think it just merely means you want to have sex with somebody if you are sexually attracted to them right? I think it might have a more definite meaning but i just couldnt understand...

 

God, tbh i dont know.. what is my sexuality?

I think you should read this post that I made to understand sexual attraction better. The definition is still up for debate, but I tried to include the most popular definitions on AVEN here.

 

 

As for your own orientation, it seems that you have all of the necessary information to determine that for yourself, so ujst find some time to think about it, okay? I know for me personally it took me a few months to figure it out. And for everyone it varies for how long it'll take them.

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WanderWolf

Ah. I've been reading a while (only just discovered asexuality is a thing) and haven't posted anything yet for fear of being redundant. But I'm having a hard time with the asexuality definition:

  1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
  2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

How do I know if I feel sexual attraction to a person (this question doesn't seem like it can be answered)? And is it possible to feel turned on because you are aware of the potential imaginary pleasure-felt before in masturbation- that the a certain situation could lead to, but not necessarily a response to the specific person?

And if I haven't felt this "sexual attraction,"  could it just be because "I haven't met the right person" yet? Is it possible to only meet the right person after 26 years of living? 

And along these lines, what is a crush? Is wanting to be around someone because you think they are nice, funny, fun to hang around with a crush? 

 

How can I tell the different between "no desire" and "when I think of it, I feel grossed-out, repulsed, or not interested because I'm pretty sure it will not lead to pleasure"? 

 

Hope the questions make sense. Hope you can help. 

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FaerieFate
15 minutes ago, WanderWolf said:

Ah. I've been reading a while (only just discovered asexuality is a thing) and haven't posted anything yet for fear of being redundant. But I'm having a hard time with the asexuality definition:

  1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.
  2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

How do I know if I feel sexual attraction to a person (this question doesn't seem like it can be answered)? And is it possible to feel turned on because you are aware of the potential imaginary pleasure-felt before in masturbation- that the a certain situation could lead to, but not necessarily a response to the specific person?

And if I haven't felt this "sexual attraction,"  could it just be because "I haven't met the right person" yet? Is it possible to only meet the right person after 26 years of living? 

And along these lines, what is a crush? Is wanting to be around someone because you think they are nice, funny, fun to hang around with a crush? 

 

How can I tell the different between "no desire" and "when I think of it, I feel grossed-out, repulsed, or not interested because I'm pretty sure it will not lead to pleasure"? 

 

Hope the questions make sense. Hope you can help. 

So many questions! O.O Let me break this up into parts for you.

 

1. "How do I know if I feel sexual attraction to a person (this question doesn't seem like it can be answered)?"

This isn't really a question that can be answered, in all honesty. Especially for an asexual who has never experienced it. Talking to many MANY sexuals about this has led me to one conclusion, though. If you feel sexual attraction, you'll know it. Bonus, the fact that there's no real way to answer this question is why the definition debate is a thing. A lot of people don't like the idea of using the words "sexual attraction" because it can't be defined really. So that's why a lot of people prefer, "Someone who has no desire for partnered sex" Also, I recommend reading this for more info.

2. "And is it possible to feel turned on because you are aware of the potential imaginary pleasure-felt before in masturbation- that the a certain situation could lead to, but not necessarily a response to the specific person?"

Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean that don't have sex. There's a lot of benefits to having sex. For instance it reduces pains. It increases certain hormones. It just feels good. It strengthens relationships with your partner. It increases the chance of having a baby! Also, people can get turned on when that don't experience sexual attraction (The following sentences in red is Trigger Warning) In many cases of rape, people blame the victim (or the victim blames themselves), because they were turned on. However, being turned on doesn't specifically mean you want sex. It's just your body's natural response to sexy stimulation. So, in short, being turned on or desiring sexual release doesn't make you less asexual. In fact, some asexuals have a high libido (it's not common, but it happens). The two main things you gotta look for is if you experience sexual attraction or desired partnered sex (Sexual attraction will be pointed at a specific person or persons, and it's not the general desire to get off).

 

3. "And if I haven't felt this "sexual attraction,"  could it just be because "I haven't met the right person" yet? Is it possible to only meet the right person after 26 years of living? "

To answer this question, read this post.

4. "And along these lines, what is a crush? Is wanting to be around someone because you think they are nice, funny, fun to hang around with a crush? "

A crush is someone you're romantically attracted to (ie someone you want to be in a romantic relationship with). If it's someone you just want to be friends with (ie someone you're platonically attracted to) that would be a squish. For more information on that read the post linked below.

5. "How can I tell the different between "no desire" and "when I think of it, I feel grossed-out, repulsed, or not interested because I'm pretty sure it will not lead to pleasure"? "

You can tell the difference by thinking of it. Are you grossed out or just not interested? However, I'd like to clear up a misconception here. Just because someone is asexual doesn't mean it's not pleasurable. Sometimes it's not pleasurable to do a health condition. However, assuming everything is working properly in the sexy bits then it's your body's natural response to receive pleasure from sexy stimulation. So, an asexual person can still enjoy sex and get off from it (assuming everything is working right). I think you'd benefit from reading this post and clicking the links hiding inside.

 

 

As you've noticed, A lot of your questions can be answered from posts within this thread. I think it'd be beneficial if you read the first few posts (linked in OP) and perhaps read or watch the things I've linked in those to get explanations in better detail. I know, it's a shitton to read. I don't expect you to read it through in one sitting. Just take your time, perhaps one post a day. All of your questions should be answered by the time you were done (I've spent almost 2 years working on and perfecting that. So 99% of questions should be answered by reading through). 

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FairlyConfused

Thank you for the help.

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Hunt3r

For a few months, I simply thought I was bisexual. I haven't had anyone to really talk to about this stuff, and bisexual seemed to umbrella what I thought defined me. Recently when I was on www.thetrevorproject.org I was looking around and clicked on asexual for the hell of it. I saw A.V.E.N. and by this point was more than a little curious. Once I started reading through some of the information and the forums I started to question myself all over again. I know having a set term isn't supposed to be important, but I really want to figure this out. I've seen that masturbation, sexual desires, and lack of experience don't necessarily mean anything. The best way I can describe myself is this: I am a sucker for romance books and sort-of enjoy the characters getting intimate, enjoy the idea of sex, but get really anxious/freaked out by the concept of me getting intimate with someone, including kissing/holding hands, although I will admit I like hugs. I fantasize about romance for myself, but not intimacy. Fantasies are usually about me with a woman, but I also enjoy the idea of a significant other being a man. (I'm a girl) My Dad grew up a Catholic and is not exactly close-minded, but not very understanding (i.e. comparing transgender girls to guys as being "tomboys"), and my Mom is sort of understanding of homosexuals, but has told me she doesn't understand/agree with bisexuality. She's pretty uncomfortable with most LGBTQA+ topics so I don't feel like I can talk to her at all. I don't really know where my sister stands, but she disagrees with being non-cis/non-straight before reaching high school. I hate being so confused about this, but there's nowhere I can turn to. Any thoughts anybody?

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FaerieFate
3 hours ago, Hunt3r said:

For a few months, I simply thought I was bisexual. I haven't had anyone to really talk to about this stuff, and bisexual seemed to umbrella what I thought defined me. Recently when I was on www.thetrevorproject.org I was looking around and clicked on asexual for the hell of it. I saw A.V.E.N. and by this point was more than a little curious. Once I started reading through some of the information and the forums I started to question myself all over again. I know having a set term isn't supposed to be important, but I really want to figure this out. I've seen that masturbation, sexual desires, and lack of experience don't necessarily mean anything. The best way I can describe myself is this: I am a sucker for romance books and sort-of enjoy the characters getting intimate, enjoy the idea of sex, but get really anxious/freaked out by the concept of me getting intimate with someone, including kissing/holding hands, although I will admit I like hugs. I fantasize about romance for myself, but not intimacy. Fantasies are usually about me with a woman, but I also enjoy the idea of a significant other being a man. (I'm a girl) My Dad grew up a Catholic and is not exactly close-minded, but not very understanding (i.e. comparing transgender girls to guys as being "tomboys"), and my Mom is sort of understanding of homosexuals, but has told me she doesn't understand/agree with bisexuality. She's pretty uncomfortable with most LGBTQA+ topics so I don't feel like I can talk to her at all. I don't really know where my sister stands, but she disagrees with being non-cis/non-straight before reaching high school. I hate being so confused about this, but there's nowhere I can turn to. Any thoughts anybody?

HAVE NO FEARS! FOR THE LORD OF THIS THREAD HAS APPEARED!

 

Actually, mildly surprised I got to this post so quickly, I haven't been on in a few days. Regardless, I don't know what you want my thoughts on. Want me thoughts on whether or not your ace? Please read the first few posts on this thread. The first post has links to the rest of the posts so you can figure out exactly where you need to go. Then all of my posts also have links to other resources that may provide more information where I was unable to do so. So, if anything confuses you, click more links!

 

If you want my thoughts on how to talk to your family about asexuality, I can't really give a definitive answer on that. Each person is different. Some people think asexuals are going to hell because they aren't heterosexuals (though that makes no sense). Some are completely cool and wanna learn more about your experiences. Best advice I can give is approach with caution. start with something like, "So, I read about this thing called asexuality. Apparently some people don't experience any sexual attraction." Through the lure out, see if they bite. If they don't, ask, "So what do you think about it?" If they attack, just back off, say, "Huh, that's an interesting thought." Then shut up. Don't engage, you won't like what you hear. Best to not risk your relationship with your family members. If they instead say something slightly accepting, then talk to them more about it.

 

Though you don't have to take my advice. There's a huge debate among the LGBT+ of whether you should come out to unaccepting parents. A lot of people say it's not worth it. Some people say that someone has to, otherwise LGBT+ won't ever gain acceptance. I say, it's a personal choice. There's pros and cons to both sides, so it's what's best for you.

 

Though, I also don't know if you're ace, so if you're not, then ignore my last bit of advice about coming out. Even so, it's still a good standard when talking about asexuality.

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FaerieFate
On 10/17/2017 at 6:11 AM, FairlyConfused said:

Thank you for the help.

Hey, someone that read my thread and didn't ask questions that I already answered!

 

You're welcome for the help. I spent months on this, so I'm glad it has all of the answers for you.

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Hunt3r
12 hours ago, FaerieFate said:

HAVE NO FEARS! FOR THE LORD OF THIS THREAD HAS APPEARED!

 

Actually, mildly surprised I got to this post so quickly, I haven't been on in a few days. Regardless, I don't know what you want my thoughts on. Want me thoughts on whether or not your ace? Please read the first few posts on this thread. The first post has links to the rest of the posts so you can figure out exactly where you need to go. Then all of my posts also have links to other resources that may provide more information where I was unable to do so. So, if anything confuses you, click more links!

 

If you want my thoughts on how to talk to your family about asexuality, I can't really give a definitive answer on that. Each person is different. Some people think asexuals are going to hell because they aren't heterosexuals (though that makes no sense). Some are completely cool and wanna learn more about your experiences. Best advice I can give is approach with caution. start with something like, "So, I read about this thing called asexuality. Apparently some people don't experience any sexual attraction." Through the lure out, see if they bite. If they don't, ask, "So what do you think about it?" If they attack, just back off, say, "Huh, that's an interesting thought." Then shut up. Don't engage, you won't like what you hear. Best to not risk your relationship with your family members. If they instead say something slightly accepting, then talk to them more about it.

 

Though you don't have to take my advice. There's a huge debate among the LGBT+ of whether you should come out to unaccepting parents. A lot of people say it's not worth it. Some people say that someone has to, otherwise LGBT+ won't ever gain acceptance. I say, it's a personal choice. There's pros and cons to both sides, so it's what's best for you.

 

Though, I also don't know if you're ace, so if you're not, then ignore my last bit of advice about coming out. Even so, it's still a good standard when talking about asexuality.

Thanks. I guess I've kind of been putting pressure on myself to figure this out and tell somebody, but the idea that I don't have to come out about anything is reassuring. This definitely helped me realize I have a while to get more comfortable with the idea of telling somebody. It all feels really huge right now but I suppose it's not that big of a deal that I have to stress myself out trying to figure out if I'll get a positive reaction or not. So basically, thanks for the advice. This helps a lot.

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Telperion

I'm glad I posted here a while ago and I'm glad I decided to stick around on the site. :) Thanks for the help, @FaerieFate.

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FaerieFate
14 hours ago, Hunt3r said:

Thanks. I guess I've kind of been putting pressure on myself to figure this out and tell somebody, but the idea that I don't have to come out about anything is reassuring. This definitely helped me realize I have a while to get more comfortable with the idea of telling somebody. It all feels really huge right now but I suppose it's not that big of a deal that I have to stress myself out trying to figure out if I'll get a positive reaction or not. So basically, thanks for the advice. This helps a lot.

Ah, so that was where you wanted my thoughts on. Well, no, there's no need to come out. Really, there's no need for anyone to come out. You owe no one your story, so id doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, ace, or whatever. You don't have to tell anyone anything.

 

Now, if you wanted to confide in someone, that's a different story. I found that telling people made me accept it more myself, though I had a hard time growing to be okay with the fact that I'm asexual. Similarly, if you're far along in a relationship, it might be a good idea to tell them you're asexual around the point sex starts to be taken into consideration if you're not going to be having sex with them.

 

Also because I don't know your age, it's a good rule of thumb when starting a relationship to be like, "Hey, sex isn't on the table." before your first date. Just, you know, a lot of people these days jump into sex on the first date (or instead of a first date). 

 

But other than that, you don't have to tell anyone. They'll assume you're whatever your romantic orientation is, but that's on them. It's rude to assume, and they're just making a jerk of themselves. On the other hand, if you want to tell the world, shout it from rooftops, march in a LGBT+ parade, and all of that, that's perfectly okay too. You just do you.

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FaerieFate
4 hours ago, Telperion said:

I'm glad I posted here a while ago and I'm glad I decided to stick around on the site. :) Thanks for the help, @FaerieFate.

OH MY GOSH MY FIRST PERSON RETURNING AFTER TIME HAS PAST TO THANK ME! I FEEL HONORED! YOU'RE WELCOME!

 

Okay, sorry for the excitement thing, just that's a huge step in a thread like. To have someone return months later and thank me means a lot to me. I'm glad I could help (I had to go back and make sure it was me that replied to you). Having someone return to thank me really gets my confidence back up with this thread. Occasionally someone else responds (sometimes at my request), and I feel the need to respond as well if I can give a more comprehensive response (ie link them to a previous post on this thread where I wrote a more comprehensive post on the subject after months of research). But I've been wondering how much my responses have been valued here (especially the longer ones). Now I know I'm doing good work.

 

Also after looking at my answer to your question, I still stick by that advice I gave you. I like it, so sassy! Though it has brought to my attention something else I can add here...

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Uhhh hi there

Uhh... hi. I'm 13 and I'm questioning my asexuality, if I am asexual. I've had crushes, but only wanting a romantic relationship. My friends all seem to want to kiss and play 7 minutes in heaven and cliché eighth grade stuff to kiss, while I don't. I am disgusted with sex and it grosses me out, and I don't want to do it when I'm older. I don't know if I'm asexual or what. Can someone tell me if I am or what I am if I'm not?

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TheAP
3 minutes ago, Uhhh hi there said:

Uhh... hi. I'm 13 and I'm questioning my asexuality, if I am asexual. I've had crushes, but only wanting a romantic relationship. My friends all seem to want to kiss and play 7 minutes in heaven and cliché eighth grade stuff to kiss, while I don't. I am disgusted with sex and it grosses me out, and I don't want to do it when I'm older. I don't know if I'm asexual or what. Can someone tell me if I am or what I am if I'm not?

Welcome to AVEN! We can't tell you definitively if you are or aren't--you'll have to figure that out for yourself. But it sounds like you could be. Best of luck. :) 

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LittleLillie

Hello there, to be honest I always thought that I was a straight guy but I never really had any crushes on anyone(there was a girl who I thought was cute during my middle school days but when I found out she went to a different high school I didn't really show any signs of disappointment about it but I did wish her the best of luck) I also don't really find anything attractive, I often find things cute and adorable but never thought of anything as hot or whatever people describe as attractive.

I also find the usual features that people(most young boys in particular) rather unappealing(the subject of being attracted to behinds almost makes me want to throw up) I don't mind getting or giving hugs but I certainly don't want anything I find too lewd in my life, I didn't realize that I was considered a repulsed asexual until a few years ago when I looked up more info about the subject(I sometimes wonder if its silly it took me so long to realize this) oddly enough I feel like I get more prudish or rather turned off by that stuff the older I get.

 

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TheAP
5 minutes ago, LittleLillie said:

Hello there, to be honest I always thought that I was a straight guy but I never really had any crushes on anyone(there was a girl who I thought was cute during my middle school days but when I found out she went to a different high school I didn't really show any signs of disappointment about it but I did wish her the best of luck) I also don't really find anything attractive, I often find things cute and adorable but never thought of anything as hot or whatever people describe as attractive.

I also find the usual features that people(most young boys in particular) rather unappealing(the subject of being attracted to behinds almost makes me want to throw up) I don't mind getting or giving hugs but I certainly don't want anything I find too lewd in my life, I didn't realize that I was considered a repulsed asexual until a few years ago when I looked up more info about the subject(I sometimes wonder if its silly it took me so long to realize this) oddly enough I feel like I get more prudish or rather turned off by that stuff the older I get.

 

It seems like you are likely asexual, and possibly on the aromantic spectrum as well. Good luck with figuring things out! :) 

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FaerieFate

Sorry for late reply. Been dealing with life. I'd like to thank @TheAP for doing their best to reply to the questions at hand.

10 hours ago, Uhhh hi there said:

Uhh... hi. I'm 13 and I'm questioning my asexuality, if I am asexual. I've had crushes, but only wanting a romantic relationship. My friends all seem to want to kiss and play 7 minutes in heaven and cliché eighth grade stuff to kiss, while I don't. I am disgusted with sex and it grosses me out, and I don't want to do it when I'm older. I don't know if I'm asexual or what. Can someone tell me if I am or what I am if I'm not?

Hello! I suggest looking at these two posts I've made to better answer your questions.

 

 

5 hours ago, LittleLillie said:

Hello there, to be honest I always thought that I was a straight guy but I never really had any crushes on anyone(there was a girl who I thought was cute during my middle school days but when I found out she went to a different high school I didn't really show any signs of disappointment about it but I did wish her the best of luck) I also don't really find anything attractive, I often find things cute and adorable but never thought of anything as hot or whatever people describe as attractive.

I also find the usual features that people(most young boys in particular) rather unappealing(the subject of being attracted to behinds almost makes me want to throw up) I don't mind getting or giving hugs but I certainly don't want anything I find too lewd in my life, I didn't realize that I was considered a repulsed asexual until a few years ago when I looked up more info about the subject(I sometimes wonder if its silly it took me so long to realize this) oddly enough I feel like I get more prudish or rather turned off by that stuff the older I get.

 

Hello! For you I wanna give you three posts to look at!

 

 

 

 

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DaisyH

Hi! For about a year and a half now i've been identifying as bisexual but I suppose i'm increasingly realising i'm either asexual or graysexual biromantic. I haven't really wanted to admit that to anybody let alone myself and it's been hard putting the pieces together in my head. Like, I very much want a romantic relationship with somebody someday but the idea of sex or being intimate i'm just very indifferent or uncomfortable with. Really, the reason i'm posting is to see if there are any threads/ any advice about coming to terms with asexuality? Or about having relationships since sex always seems to be such a huge thing, but now it's just more of a barrier.  

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FaerieFate
4 minutes ago, DaisyH said:

Hi! For about a year and a half now i've been identifying as bisexual but I suppose i'm increasingly realising i'm either asexual or graysexual biromantic. I haven't really wanted to admit that to anybody let alone myself and it's been hard putting the pieces together in my head. Like, I very much want a romantic relationship with somebody someday but the idea of sex or being intimate i'm just very indifferent or uncomfortable with. Really, the reason i'm posting is to see if there are any threads/ any advice about coming to terms with asexuality? Or about having relationships since sex always seems to be such a huge thing, but now it's just more of a barrier.  

Hello, I recommend making a thread here to get some answers from those that are in a relationship with an asexual or those that are ace in a relationship.

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/7-asexual-relationships/

 

But I'm more than willing to try and answer myself as well. You should talk to your romantic partner about your sexuality if you're in a relationship. Ultimately, there needs to be some kind of compromise is a sexual/ace relationship. Either the sexual doesn't think sex is that important and is willing to give it up, the ace realizes the benefits to sex and is willing to do so to make their partner happy, they could have an open relationship where the sexual could look for a sexual partner outside of the relationship if the ace can't make them happy in that way.

 

Ultimately relationships are about compromises. They're about, "How can we both be happy here?" Even when it comes to sex, there has to be compromise. Sometimes you have someone with a higher libido than their partner. Sometimes you have one partner that has kinks that the other partner isn't into. So I think we need to think about things less in the terms of, "We like different things, how do we make it work?" and more in the terms of, "There will always be compromise in relationships, it's just different compromises for each person, so the question is how much are we willing to give up to make the other happy?"

 

But some asexuals don't think that this notion is a good fit for them and use asexual dating sites. So, if you'd completely like to avoid the whole situation you can ask in the board I linked above what dating sites are ace friendly and what asexual dating sites are the best. Because sometimes the sex thing is too much to compromise on and it's just easier for the asexual to find another asexual.

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DaisyH
19 hours ago, FaerieFate said:

But I'm more than willing to try and answer myself as well. You should talk to your romantic partner about your sexuality if you're in a relationship. Ultimately, there needs to be some kind of compromise is a sexual/ace relationship. Either the sexual doesn't think sex is that important and is willing to give it up, the ace realizes the benefits to sex and is willing to do so to make their partner happy, they could have an open relationship where the sexual could look for a sexual partner outside of the relationship if the ace can't make them happy in that way.

 

Ultimately relationships are about compromises. They're about, "How can we both be happy here?"

Hi, thanks for the reply, i've never really thought about it in this way and what you've said has been really helpful. It's easy i guess to panic or think about the 'what-ifs and 'will-be's' rather than what you can actually do if that makes sense 

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FaerieFate

@DaisyH It is very easy to panic. A lot of people think relationships NEED sex or a relationship is a person you're actively having sex with, but it's really not. A relationship is someone you love, your best friend and life-long partner. If someone is in a relationship JUST for the sex, then they need to get their priorities straight before they can be in a healthy relationship. Granted, that doesn't mean someone HAS to be willing to give up sex. For some that's a deal breaker, and that's perfectly okay too. It's just that no one should feel entitled to sex just because they're dating someone.

 

And because a relationship is with your best friend and life-long partner, you're with them for life. You're not going to always see eye-to-eye, and you're not always going to agree. So you'll have to compromise, find a way where you can both be happy. That's in ALL aspects of the relationship, whether it's changing a kid's diaper or sex. You're two different people, so that just has to happen in order for you to work together well.

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