Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

[SilenceRadio]

On 1/30/2022 at 8:38 PM, Annabett said:

But I am still not sure if this is truly my case or I just want to use it as an excuse.

Calling yourself "asexual" doesn't have to mean that you're pigeonholing yourself. Even then, you don't have to have sex if you don't want to. So even if it was an "excuse", it's okay, because you're not forced to do anything.

[Error300]

I'm 22, still questioning, thanks for the resources and threads. After looking into it I don't think I am ace, might be demi- or greysexual though I think I'm possibly just a confused demiromantic/aromantic. I started questioning it recently because at first I rejected the notion of me being ace purely because of my masturbation and consumption of sexually explicit content (which is of the straight variety), only then to find out that it doesn't have to mean that I'm not ace. Apart of those times I barely pay heed to these things, like I don't talk about it much/didn't get why most guys around me (friends/colleagues alike) comment about people they think are hot. I usually just feel a awkward and have thoughts among the line of 'there's a time and place, but that's not now'. 

[2000Sandy]

How do I'm I supposed to know if I'm asexual if I didn't get to experience sex? Everytime I think about it it stressed me out, but I'm like what if this is just my anxiety talking?

[Queen Snowfall]

Similar questions to the others. I have never had any interest in sex, but does that necessarily make me ace? I kind of decided (basically when my parents told me about it) that sex was weird, and not for me, and now that I'm older and all my friends are getting boy/girlfriends, I'm kind of wondering if my lack of attraction is just that same opinion about sex being weird, or if I'm actually just ace. I'm kind of leaning toward the "I'm actually ace" answer, but I can't be totally sure, because like, what if what I'm feeling is totally normal, and other people just are reacting differently to it? IDK, someone please psychoanalyze me! 🙂

[EliasAshby1198]

I've been really confused with my sexuality for decades, which is why I've always just referred to myself as queer. But recently I feel I've been drifting into one mold so to speak for the last 5 years or so, however in still confused.  I have no desire to have sex, but I enjoy things such as porn and masturbation. I'll have sex with my partner if they seem interested, but I don't feel like I NEED to have sex. I've seen the term Bellusexual thrown around, and that kind of fits how I perceive myself? But I've also been told that fits under Asexuality or Gresexualas a whole. So I'm hoping I can get an opinion of where I'd fit. I know I'm the only person that can truly label myself, but it's hard to find that label in the first place. Any thoughts? 

[catdog300]

This is me being confused and asking for advice, if it is the wrong place to write this i’m sorry, i’m new to the forum

 

Hi, i’m 18 and questioning my sexuality. I never have crushes and have been wondering if i might not be straight on and off for years. Seeing as i can’t find any reason to believe i like girls i figured maybe i’m just not attracted to anyone but i don’t know what attraction (both sexual and romantic) really is so i never get anywhere. i can look at people (mostly boys) and think that they look cute but i never think that i wanna do anything with them. i did maybe have a crush on a guy 3 years ago. He liked me and i thought i liked him back and we kissed once but then after going on one date i felt uncomfortable and ended it. i remember being excited and thinking it was a crush but now i’m unsure because of the sudden end of it and the fact that i haven’t felt anything like that later. i do have dreams now and then that are romantic or sexual but never about a specific person and i wonder if it’s because my brain is trying to figure out if i’m into that or not. i really don’t know what i am and it stresses me out.

[No.ne]

 

 

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[Lord Revan]

If you think that you're ace, you probably are, if you think you're faking it, you're still probably ace.

[No.ne]

    ,,

[icebear]

I know the thread is years old but I wanted to thank you for the thorough clarification. The metaphors especially helped me enormously and made me go "yes yes that's me!". Thanks!

[dhsbdsvsv]

Sorry in advance because this is long and pretty tmi but I’m having a tough time with this. I’m not even sure if this is the right place to post so lemme know anything I should fix!

 

Ok so I’ve only just started questioning if im somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I’m 19, afab, and I’ve never had sex before/fooled around with anyone which is why I feel so hesitant to say anything about this with conviction. I’ve only had one “major” crush in my life and even that I question myself on a lot (it’s a gay crush btw so that might be internalized homophobia or something). I find people hot and attractive, but it’s pretty surface level. I masturbate and have fantasies, I like to read romance and smut and have never been confused on how people can feel sexual attraction towards each other or why they would have sex (feel like I need to clarify that because that seems like a common thing w asexuality). Like it’s always made sense in my head. What tipped me off tho was a comment on a post I read on tumblr talking about how asexuals can sometimes be drawn to kink (I like to read kink myself, mostly monster fucker, non con, and stuff in that vein) and one ace blogger commented and they will read hardcore smut but not any x reader stuff because they can’t imagine themselves in any sex situation. That made me realize that not once, in my entire life, have I ever had a fantasy including myself, or any people in my life. Like I’ve never had sexual thoughts of people I’ve found attractive or felt romantically towards. Ever. My fantasies are typically pov as another character altogether, so it’s never me. And sometimes those pov’s switch to another character mid session. Every time I’ve thought about the actual action of me having sex it always just made me nervous and I think about how I need to “do it right” to like prepare myself somehow? But I just thought that was normal teenage “nervous about sex” feelings?  I honestly can’t tell if this might just be a somewhat uncommon allosexual thing or if it really is an ace thing. I don’t really fall into the other typical categories or asexuality or even graysexuality, because sex and sexual attraction sounded fine in theory, but I think I’ve removed it completely from myself. 

[Tarrdos]

I'm 21, I never had a romantic or sexual relationship and just til few days ago I thought I might be bisexual or I just didn't know and it was frustrating, because like... I'm not 13 anymore, I could have an idea about myself in that way. So then I came across this possibility and it really clicked. I see myself in this si much. But I'm pretty sure I'm still masochistic and somehow submissive. And I fit in this category of people who like the idea of sexual pleasure itself, just aren't attracted to anybody? And I read that you can be masochistic asexual but I don't really understand how this works and I'm still confused, could you please try to enlighten it a bit? Thanks. 

[Guest]

People, who are  well versed in the topic of asexuality-this question is for you!

 

Why hyposexuals fit into the

a-spectrun? After all, they HAVE  sexual attraction, but they just have a low libido. Well, they have sexual attraction, but as their libido is low, they realise their sexual attraction rarely.  

I found term hyposexuality here, on AVEN.

It   seems to me that it is wrong to include such people in the asexual spectrum. I also found other questions about sexual attraction here on AVEN, and also asked questions that you  can find   in my profile. But  including people  who have attraction but have  low libido seems strange to me, because the asexual spectrum describes sexual attraction, but not libido. So, you can be an asexual with a low, medium, high libido. And you can feel sexual attraction  never or rarely or in a specific  situations.

 

But hyposexuals feel 

sexual attraction often, (and if they do not feel it often, then they are not hyposexuals, they are on the asexual spectrum), but your libido can still be low, as well as medium and high)

[TheatreNerd2004]

Hi, my name is Caitlin. I’m very new to all this, but I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot lately. I know only I can figure out my sexuality, but it’s very hard and I wanted to try to find a supportive group that may be able to help me through this. I think I might be bisexual, but I feel like I don’t allow myself to think about it since my family is VERY MUCH AGAINST the LGBTQIA+. I think I might be bellusexual but I’m wondering if that’s the case or if I’m actually asexual. The reason I say this is because I don’t have a desire to have sex…like at all. But I’m wondering if it’s possibly because I’m a virgin and haven’t experienced it, or if I genuinely just have no interest in it. I understand why other people may like it, but I personally just don’t have a desire. That’s also why I’m confused about if I’m bisexual. I know you can just be romantically attracted to people, but is it possible to not want to “get it on” with either gender and still be bi? Like I can still find girls really attractive, but it’s not like sexual attraction. It’s romantic attraction I think. I’m not sure. I apologize for the lengthy post, but I just wanted to write a little bit about my story here.

 

Thanks for listening,

Caitlin :)

[Member82502]

Hi, I'm 20 and I've started recently to question wether I might be asexual or if I'm just traumatized. From the age of 14 till when i was around 16/17 I really wanted to have sex, I felt a strong sexual attraction towards specific people and I used to fantasize a lot about it. At the age of 17, i've started my first experiences and everything changed: I've realized I couldn't make it in real life, i couldn't feel pleasure and i was just uncomfortable. I've always been a people-pleaser, so i've often said yes without really wanting it, so I auto-traumatized myself with unpleasant experiences and also received some sexual assaults. In addition to that, i've grown up in an environment where sex was a taboo and where I've never been able to express myself and to figure out what i like. Now I rarely feel sexual desire and I hardly ever have fantasies, watch porn or masturbate (which is weird, because when i was a virgin i used to masturbate a lot). My boyfriend says I'm a doll in bed, because i just stay there, i don't moan or express pleasure in any way, i don't even know if sex gives me pleasure. Well, sometimes it does, but i need to be drunk or high, and/or to have a strong emotional connection to feel it. It's been years now, so I'm really starting questioning if I'm asexual, but I'm terrified about the answer because I'm really in love with my bf, but he sees sex as a fundamental part of a romantic relationship. At the same time, for all the bad ways I've lived sex, it can also be possible that I'm just traumatized, and that i can have a sexual life like every person with sexual attraction as soon as I'll resolve my problems. I'm really confused because I've never heard any story similar to mine, so i wanted an opinion directly from an asexual community, hoping to clearify my ideas wether this weird experience may enter the asexual spectrum or not.

Thank you

[Hyacinthus_flami]

On 10/6/2022 at 7:15 PM, Sadbitch said:

My boyfriend says I'm a doll in bed, because i just stay there, i don't moan or express pleasure in any way, i don't even know if sex gives me pleasure. Well, sometimes it does, but i need to be drunk or high, and/or to have a strong emotional connection to feel it.

I'm also new here and probably don't have enough information to answer most of your questions, but I have to say this: If you don't enjoy it, don't do it. Whether you're asexual or not, sex isn't an obligation. Don't be afraid of saying 'no'.

Please take care of yourself.

[Inygma]

Would my wife ang I have had a sexual relationship and she became asexual? Or is it most likely she's really deeply pissed off? 

[Lucathedemiboy]

I'm just confused. I have a high libido and I wouldn't be against having friends with benefits, but I don't feel any sort of romantic or sexual attraction. As long as I like the friend and they're okay with it, I wouldn't want a specific person I'm attracted to. I don't look at someone and think "I wanna fuck them" but if they asked I would probably say yes because it physically feels good. 

[Moeir]

On 6/3/2023 at 4:14 PM, Lucathedemiboy said:

I'm just confused. I have a high libido and I wouldn't be against having friends with benefits, but I don't feel any sort of romantic or sexual attraction. As long as I like the friend and they're okay with it, I wouldn't want a specific person I'm attracted to. I don't look at someone and think "I wanna fuck them" but if they asked I would probably say yes because it physically feels good. 

Asexuality / Aromanticism is just lack or little of sexual or romantic attraction. You can still like having sex or like being in relationships. It does not include libido at all. In fact, I know a guy with a super high libido who is ace and aro, and he's in a relationship with someone. Essentially, it's a whole spectrum. There's no right way to be ace or aro.

[violetstitch]

Hi! I'm a female (18) and I think I am ace and maybe also aro? From what I've read, I can relate to being asexual, but I'm not sure if aromantic really suits me. 

That's because I have a sort of crush on somebody, but without the feelings (having butterflies, racing heart etc) if that makes sense? For example, they occasionally pop into my thoughts (nothing sexually). I'm very aware of their presence and I'll always look for them if we're in the same room. It's just that I've only talked to them once or twice, but I see them a lot, so I'm wondering if I'm maybe tricking myself into liking/having a crush on them? And this is the second time something like this happens to me and I'm just confused…

I also came across the term 'squish' for someone you really want to be friends with rather than a romantic relationship, but it just doesn't feel completely right…?

 

Edit: I've thought about it and read some more about what squishes are for other people and I think it probably is a squish after all? I remember that I've thought multiple times "oh it would be really cool if we could become friends" when I met other people before and that thought would pop into my head whenever I saw them. So at first I thought that was what a squish felt like, but now I think I just wanted to be (normal) friends with them and that weren't squishes? And I think I'm just attracted to this person as a person on its own and not romantic/sexually. Like I might want something more intense than a casual friendship? So I guess I'll call it a squish for now until I find something better to describe it

Also, I realised I posted this in the wrong topic forum, sorry about that, but I don't know how to move it to the right topic…

[Sarah-Sylvia]

8 minutes ago, violetstitch said:

Hi! I'm a female (18) and I think I am ace and maybe also aro? From what I've read, I can relate to being asexual, but I'm not sure if aromantic really suits me. 

That's because I have a sort of crush on somebody, but without the feelings if that makes sense? For example, I think about them sometimes (not sexually) and I always look for them if we're in the same room. It's just that I've only talked to them one or twice, but I see them a lot, so I'm wondering if I'm maybe tricking myself into liking/having a crush on them? And this is the second time something like this happens to me and I'm just confused…

I also came across the term 'squish' for someone you really want to be friends with rather than a romantic relationship, but it just doesn't feel completely right…?

Hi 🍰

Do you see yourself ever liking someone in a way that you'd like to have a romantic relationship with them?
You don't have to rush any label. The most important is just to follow what feels right to you.

[violetstitch]

4 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi 🍰

Do you see yourself ever liking someone in a way that you'd like to have a romantic relationship with them?
You don't have to rush any label. The most important is just to follow what feels right to you.

Hi, thank you for answering so fast! 

 

I have only once for a very short time felt romantic attraction for someone. I can tell when a guy is 'hot' but that doesn't turn me on and I can see someone and think "oh they're cute" but I'm not sure if I would want a romantic relationship with them. I like romance in books/series/movies, but if I picture my life over 10-20 years, I don't see myself with a partner. It's not a 'must' but sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone? 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

19 minutes ago, violetstitch said:

Hi, thank you for answering so fast! 

 

I have only once for a very short time felt romantic attraction for someone. I can tell when a guy is 'hot' but that doesn't turn me on and I can see someone and think "oh they're cute" but I'm not sure if I would want a romantic relationship with them. I like romance in books/series/movies, but if I picture my life over 10-20 years, I don't see myself with a partner. It's not a 'must' but sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone? 

I think people often get caught up in 'appearance', so I wonder if I said you can like someone's personality, or even someone that you've known over time and like and could like to be closer to than friendship, how does that feel to you knowing there's more ways to be romantic too?

But if romance isn't important to you then it can be one sign. If you're not sure then you don't have to close the possibility, or you can say you're still questioning around that. You could also look into grayromanticism too if you think you do have some small desires or attracitons but not enough to really want to be romantic enough to be in a relationship. Just to say another label on the spectrum.

 

Romance can exist without sex, and be more about an intimate bond. Also, some aromantic people can still want a relationship but more like having a committed best friend (a queer platonic relationship).

[violetstitch]

10 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I think people often get caught up in 'appearance', so I wonder if I said you can like someone's personality, or even someone that you've known over time and like and could like to be closer to than friendship, how does that feel to you knowing there's more ways to be romantic too?

But if romance isn't important to you then it can be one sign. If you're not sure then you don't have to close the possibility, or you can say you're still questioning around that. You could also look into grayromanticism too if you think you do have some small desires or attracitons but not enough to really want to be romantic enough to be in a relationship. Just to say another label on the spectrum.

 

Romance can exist without sex, and be more about an intimate bond. Also, some aromantic people can still want a relationship but more like having a committed best friend (a queer platonic relationship).

What you're saying does make sense, I've always liked the idea of platonic soulmates in books/series, so I'll do a little further research on that and grayromanticism. But we're not in a hurry, so I think I'm going to leave it for a while, let it all sink in and (hopefully) I will figure it out one day

And again thank you so much for answering my question, it was really helpful!! 

[LalaP]

I’m trying to work out whether I’m asexual, or suffer FSD (female sexual dysfunction). 
I’ve been married 27 years and the sex has never really worked — but I would like it to. 
I can’t successfully masterbate to orgasm, and I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm — but my body used to respond more than it does now. 
I have 2 teenage children, breastfed for years (and think that reduced sensation there!) and am now on HRT. 
My teenage daughter is ADHD and I think that I probably am too. She identifies as asexual, which is part of why I’m here. 
 

[jesus dario]

A guide that I found for the introduction of asexual identities and resource guides from teachers give visibility to asexuality here the link  

https://www.campuspride.org/resources/introduction-to-asexual-identities-resource-guide/

[jesus dario]

This visibility article, this LGBTQ+ culture center, we have to be inclusive on the topic.  https://lgbtq.indiana.edu/index.html

[Abigail Rose]

Indiana has earned a reputation as a very unsupportive state overall. So, it is nice to see some attempts to change that narrative.

[jesus dario]

I bring you some LGBTQIA+ resources that are informative, asexuality and aromanticism must be made visible, here you can find everything you need.  

https://rcsgd.sa.ucsb.edu/resources/lgbtqia-informational-resources/asexual-aromantic

[jesus dario]

Hello, I'm JD, I found a visibility article that includes asexuals, here in this article we talk about the LGBTA community, asexuals included here  

It is a justice and defense committee that defends the rights of asexual people, both as the LGBTA community and as us as an asexual community. This article is very educational and serves to make any other project visible.  

 

link below  

https://experience.syracuse.edu/lgbtq/resources/senate-committee/

 

This is from the New York Senate. I didn't read the page correctly. I hope this helps. 

 

Look for a visibility article that supports aromantics and asexuals. It's about small things that can help asexuals and aromantics. The page has the title: 

angry elves has posted this and needs more visibility understanding this  

Quote

It might seem too much, but acephobia and arophobia trigger me something fierce, so I try to protect myself in the best way I can and that means not following people when I’m not sure if they are ace/aro-friendly. LGBTQIA helps a lot with that – if you use it, I automatically assume you are okay with ace and aro people. And yes, I know LGBTQIA is a mouthful and that it can be hard to use on Twitter because character limit, but when possible it is, in my opinion, a better alternative.

https://angryelves.wordpress.com/2016/10/25/little-things-you-can-do-to-help-asexual-and-aromantic-people/

 

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