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FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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IAmAlwaysHungry

Hi!

 

So in recent years and with the help of some awesome friends, I have come to realize I am asexual in some capacity (I'm not positive which tbh, used to think demi, have settled on grey-ace). There's a lot that's gone into the discovery some real and some funny. Like thinking that I didn't desire sex because I had a higher IQ. Laughable now but seemed like a real possibility when I was in school. In any case, I'm in this forum because I'm unsure. I've only had one boyfriend. We dated in high school, did nothing and have stayed friends since. I never got to the point where I wanted to kiss someone. I thought and somewhat still think that it's partly anxiety driven. I overthink most things. But when I got to the end of college I went out with friends a week before graduating and had my first kiss... drunk on a dance floor. I full on made out with a boy, I don't even know what he looks like because I didn't bother to see. I knew what I was doing, I have no regrets and in the moment and while intoxicated I genuinely wanted and enjoyed it. Even after the fact I have no qualms but sober me is confused, because I don't feel like that in every day life. So fast forward about a year. Literally nothing happens in that year besides post-grad struggles. Then a game night with some alcohol. We drink probably once every 4-6 weeks at a friend's house with games. But this time a male friend (happens to be the ex-boyfriend but I don't think it would have mattered who it was) and I are intoxicated enough by the end of the night to have to stay and I in some alternate reality, start cuddling with him and kind of do some minor fooling around. He knows I'm ace, so he's kind of surprised. He only does what I say is ok but like who is that other person??? I even told him while it was happening that tomorrow will be like it never happened and not to expect anything from me moving forward. He was and still it chill with it. But I guess my big question is like, is it normal to drink and kind of be different? I don't always do things like this when I drink. 9/10 it's uneventful, but drinking sometimes does take my anxiety away. Which is why drunk me just does what she wants and doesn't care who with. But does that mean I'm not ace?

 

I panic a little. This is a part of me I was growing proud of, but at the same time it conflicts with some things I want for my future. And there are a lot of other relationship-based anxieties I have, but I'm sure as I explore the site I'll figure some of it out. I just feel kind of like a fraud.

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J.I

I don't know if I'm Asexual or not..

A lot of the things I read about Asexuality does not fit my experiences, it makes me feel like this thing is more of a disorder than being Asexual..

Or maybe it's low self-esteem I am not sure.. I am also a Muslim and have been raised in an environment that discourages any sexual contact before marriage so it might be something mentally engraved in me.. but again, I don't see myself getting married, not sure if I want to.. 

 

I am 30 years old, I've never been in love, never dated and never had sex.. But I do feel attracted to people and develope crushes but never associate myself in it, as in I never see myself in a relationship with them and especially will not see myself having sex with them.. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well..

 

Thanks

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lifeisarichtapestry

I’ve recently begun exploring the possibility that I might be demi or hyposexual. But I can’t stop thinking that maybe my own insecurities are what’s preventing me from enjoying sex the way others do! I waited a long time to have penetrative sex for the first time (until my mid twenties), and it was also my first time having sex of any kind with a partner I had an emotional bond with. Previous to that, sexual encounters had been a one-off and generally not very enjoyable, but I ascribed that to being inexperienced and unsure of what did and didn’t work for me. With my ex, it was more enjoyable, but I liked it because of the intimacy it created between us, not because of any feelings of sexual pleasure. I spend most of the time thinking about other things, and wondering when it will be over (not necessarily in impatience, just curiosity—though sometimes impatience creeps in).  But I did feel closer to my partner afterwards and enjoyed that closeness, so I wasn’t displeased with our sex life. 

 

How do I know if this is just a case of inexperience, self-consciousness, and poor communication, or if I fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum?

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Wildber913

Help!

Im wondering what to do about my situation. I dont wanna have sex, I see it as a chore, and I also have endometriosis which makes sex hurt sometimes (which may have led to this). I was also molested as a child by a close family member, so when I’m too close to a boyfriend, I lose that sexual desire more. I believe I’m a type of A-Sexual, possibly fraysexual and/or hyposexual.

I’ve been with a very understanding and loving boyfriend for 7 years now but i know he can’t take this anymore, and takes it personally when i dont wanna have sex. We go for months without having sex. He won’t marry me and I believe this is why. Any suggestions??? Sorry if this is the wrong thread, I’m new.

 

xoxo 

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willhelmina

I am so confused!!! A few months ago I read stuff about Asexuality and found AVEN and finally thought yaay! An answer! A community! A reason for everything! But then I started reading up on HSDD and now I am so confused! I was so happy to be sure of my Asexuality because I had an answer but now I’m back to being confused! Any words of wisdom?

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FaerieFate
1 hour ago, willhelmina said:

I am so confused!!! A few months ago I read stuff about Asexuality and found AVEN and finally thought yaay! An answer! A community! A reason for everything! But then I started reading up on HSDD and now I am so confused! I was so happy to be sure of my Asexuality because I had an answer but now I’m back to being confused! Any words of wisdom?

The DSM says that if one identifies as asexual, and/or is not experiencing any distress, then they cannot be diagnosed with HSDD. Here's the words of a professional.

Quote

Why Asexuality Is Not a Sexual Dysfunction: The Evidence

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) recognizes several sexual dysfunctions, such as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD) and Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD). Both are relevant to a lack of interest in sex. The key difference between such sexual dysfunctions and asexuality is that people with disorders experience significant personal distress because of their lack of sexual attraction. Asexuals do not. They aren’t worried about their asexuality (except for the disapproval it can bring from other people) and they are uninterested in seeking professional help to deal with it.

 

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nmorgan305

I'm 21, have Aspergers syndrome,  and have recently started trying to date though online dating apps. I've met plenty of guys who are very nice, but I haven't felt anything with any of them really. Yesterday I went on a date that involved quite a bit of kissing, and I realised that while the guy was really sweet, the kissing just did nothing for me. I know I want a romantic relationship, but kissing and anything more than that just seems to be something I'm not interested in doing! I've read through the post on late bloomers and I guess that is what I'm worried about to an extent - is it just that I haven't met the right person, or am I actually on the asexual spectrum? 

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Moon6Shadow

Hey fellow Autistic. : )

 

First up, it doesn't have to be an autistic thing, second up romantic and sexual attraction can be separated into two different things. eg. someone may be 'asexual (not want sex)' and 'romantic' (want a romantic relationship)' since just because you're one doesn't mean you have to be the other if the other doesn't feel right to you.

 

As for

6 hours ago, nmorgan305 said:

- is it just that I haven't met the right person, or am I actually on the asexual spectrum? 

Orientations can change, you can identity as 'Ace' (asexual) or 'Acespec' (grey asexual spectrum) eg. greyace if that label feels right to you and then change your mind later if it no longer feels right. 

 

As for your final question only you are allowed to label yourself so ask yourself 'Does this definition suit you?'

Quote

An asexual is someone who experiences no sexual attraction and/or no intrinsic desire for partnered sex. -Heart

You don't have to figure it out right away, you can call yourself 'Questioning' if you like but basically the question focuses on 'Have you ever had the desire to have partnered sex in real life?' not fantasies, in reality. If you've only ever felt a little sexual attraction or desire to have anything partner related then you may fall under 'greyace' as linked above. There is also different types of sexual orientations eg. -sensual: someone who isn't into sex or necessarily kissing but might like hugs eg. instead of 'bisexual' someone may be 'bisensual' instead.

 

In regards to wanting a romantic relationship well '-romantic' is an orientation but there is also a bunch of different romantic orientations as well. eg. -platonic (I'll let wiki explain because it tends to have multiple meanings) , -alterious (primarily focused on emotional closeness) and even queerplatonic relationships. So basically there is a variety of different orientations and relationships available if things like 'kissing' etc. don't feel right to you and/or aren't something you are interested in. There is also countless other labels floating around. Note: You don't have to label things, but they can be useful tools when Questioning and putting words to things.

 

If you want to know more about asexual I recommend this post and then keep scrolling for the grey sexual questions etc. 

 

Also it's traditional to great newcomers with cake, Welcome to Aven! 🎂

 

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MichaelTannock

@nmorgan305 Welcome to AVEN!

 

I also have Asperger's, but I've never dated.

You could be Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

But there are other types of attraction.

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Kitten cake (all edible),

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/124900-kitten

uuseinqfedu1lhjoxhva.jpg

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nmorgan305

Thank you guys! (Also, how did you know I love cats?!) I think for now I will identify as demiromantic and asexual - I want a romantic relationship (hugging, but limited kissing), but romantic feelings seem to take a while to develop, and I've never had the urge for partnered sex

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Moon6Shadow

You’re welcome! :) Glad you found something that works for you 🍰

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, nmorgan305 said:

Thank you guys! (Also, how did you know I love cats?!) I think for now I will identify as demiromantic and asexual - I want a romantic relationship (hugging, but limited kissing), but romantic feelings seem to take a while to develop, and I've never had the urge for partnered sex

Michael is magic, and somehow knows what all the newbies like. I keep telling them they need to lead a welcoming team or something, they're so good at welcoming newbies.

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pezdispenser

So I’ve been really thinking about asexuality lately. As in I’m not sure if I’m asexual or not. I’m in college and a lot of my friends talk about sex and someone made a comment about how I never talk about it. I wouldn’t really call myself a “prude”, I certainly don’t mind when people talk about sex and I’m not going to shame anyone either. Someone asked me if I’m asexual and I’d had the thought in passing but never really took the time to consider it in depth. I think some of what’s confusing me is the fact that I want to have sex, but I also don’t feel physically aroused basically ever. That said, there’s a lot of stuff that I’d always assumed was stacked against me in terms of libido (diabetes & weight issues, self-image issues, polycystic ovary syndrome, severe anxiety & depression issues and long term use of SSRIs). I also have some issues with things that have happened in the past. I’ve only ever had two “sexual experiences” (mostly just kissing) and both didn’t end well for me. Both experiences left me with a lot of shame, but not because of the act itself but because the first incident was horrible and literally ruined my friendship with my best (and only) friend. The other time I was extremely emotionally vulnerable and a girl I’d been friends with (who I’d rejected multiple times) took advantage of that and we made out, only for her to spread it all around school so I could literally not escape it. I haven’t ever really discussed the full extent of these events with anyone, including my therapists. All my friends know I’m a lesbian and while I don’t talk openly about it I’m not hiding it either, I’m just a relatively private person. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because a friend of mine was asking if I liked a girl I’m good friends with at college. I said I don know, because I don’t! So much of what society focuses on is sex and I don’t think I really know how to tell if I’ve got feelings for someone if you strip away the sexual aspect. There’s the cliched butterflies in your stomach thing but I’ve never experienced that in my life and I do believe I’ve had crushes in the past. All of it’s just been really confusing and stressful for me lately. I’m having a really tough time identifying what I’m feeling and on top of that I’m not experiencing much arousal but it’s not for lack of wanting it. I guess I’m also having trouble reconciling the idea that I could maybe be ace even though I want sex and think about and fantasize about it. But when I compare my thoughts to what my friends talk about it’s different (in the way that I’m not thinking about people I know that way, it feels wrong to me, kind of like an invasion of privacy if that makes sense). I also can’t see myself having sex, but I think it’s more because I hate my body and I’m not comfortable having casual sex with someone because my anxiety is so bad. I can’t fathom having sex or making out with someone I’m not super comfortable with but because of past experiences I haven’t ever let myself entertain the thought of something more with people I’m good friends with. Basically, I’m really confused and I can’t figure out if I have feelings for my friend and I can’t figure out if I’m asexual and I’ve been stressing over it for at least a month now and I’m starting to second guess everything I say and do because I’m at a point where I’m overthinking things too. I could really use some advice about all of this. Sorry this is so long and I don’t know if I expressed everything correctly but I definitely didn’t mean to offend anyone. Anyways, thank you to anyone who replies :)

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musicofthenight

I have been trying to figure out if I am asexual or not. I'm 24 years old and have never dated or even kissed anyone. I always assumed I would be into that stuff as I got older but now I am older. I don't really have a libido at all but I do sometimes fantasize about sex. In real life, however, I get really uncomfortable if someone approaches me in a remotely sexual manner - i.e. if someone calls me sexy. I do want a relationship but I don't know if I'm sex repulsed or not and it's hard to tell since I've never even been close to having sex. Is there any good way to determine whether I am sex repulsed or not? In my head I want sex but I have a feeling in real life, I wouldn't be as comfortable. It would be nice to know before I put myself out there in terms of a relationship. 

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