Jump to content
FaerieFate

Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

Recommended Posts

MichaelTannock

@FaceofBase Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be Asexual or Greysexual depending on whether you mean arousal when you say Sexual Attraction.
I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, but if what's felt doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person it's felt towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction.
A Greysexual will experience Sexual Attraction rarely, or under specific circumstances.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sweet Caroline
Posted (edited)

Hi... I’m just discovering this whole new world and of course, questioning myself a lot, as many people I’ve read here. I always thought about myself as heterosexual, but now I have some doubts and during the last few weeks I‘ve been thinking a lot about the possibility of being asexual and heteromantic instead.

 

To be honest, if you asked me about it a year ago, I would have never thought about the possibility of being asexual as I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 7 years now. But a few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend, when she told me “don’t you have a crush? Like a famous guy that you would take to you bed if you had the chance to do it”. And my mind went blank. I’ve always said (and I’ve always thought) that it’s because I respect people a lot and I would never approach a person that way. But now that I think about it, the truth is that I’m 35 years old and this has never happened to me. Not even with my current boyfriend or any of my previous partners. I’ve never felt like looking at someone and feeling the need to have sex with that person. I do find people cute and attractive… I do find people sexy and hot… and it’s not a problem for me to say “hey, you’re cute!” to someone… but I always take it like I’m saying something nice to them, it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them. Are you really supposed to feel something? What am I supposed to feel? Is it something physical? Is it emotional? Is it something on your mind? Is it something that internally tells you “I feel the urge to have sex with this person”? I’ve never felt something like that.

 

There’s also the type of things that people tend to say that I don’t feel related to. Like how many times a week they have sex… how do you know you need sex? Why do you need it so often? Is it like your body sends you some type of signal that makes you feel an urge to have sex? I don’t feel any of that stuff. I can perfectly live without having sex and it’s not a problem at all (I can exactly remember the last time I had sex… it was 3 months ago, and it was so freaking boring!). In fact, I’ve never, ever, initiated sex or even suggested it to a partner… I just let my partner do whatever he wants to do and I don’t care… as long as I have an arousal (because I don’t want it to hurt, of course!) I just let things flow. Am I supposed to feel something else besides the physical and biological reactions? A lot of people talk about this emotional “connection”… I’ve never felt it through sex. I actually feel more connected to my partner when we’re just cuddling in bed watching a movie, when we fall asleep while holding hands, when we kiss good morning or when we talk on the phone.

 

Also… do people really talk about sex in public? I mean, with their friends? How common is that? I don’t know… I’ve never seen myself involved on those type of conversations, but it seems like a lot of “girls talks” when you’re a teenager and an adult involve sex. Not my case. Even when my mom gave me those parent talks when you’re a teenager I remember feeling so uncomfortable that I had to ask her to stop and we never talked about it again… she must have seen my face and understood what I was feeling at that moment (thanks for understanding, mom!). And even though now I enjoy learning about sex, I learn about it just as I like to learn about different topics in life. I can’t even talk about it with my boyfriend because I freeze. I have no problem talking about it with a therapist or someone I don’t know because I feel like we may exchange information, they help me to put my ideas in order and they won’t judge me. But that’s it. I don’t get why people love talking about their sex life so much. I don’t get why people need to have so much sex.

 

Finally, I do masturbate. And sometimes I do it quite often. But I don’t do it because I have a physical need to do it. I actually discovered a few years ago that physical exercise helps me to sleep when I have insomnia or to relax when I’m too stressed or tired. And as I can’t always hit the gym, masturbation plays its part. But that’s it. I see it like something practical, not a real physical need. The same thing applies to porn. I do watch porn, but I don’t necessarily get an arousal when watching it. Actually, I’ve found myself visiting porn sites just because I discovered some new sex related term that I know nothing about and I want to see what it means.

 

I guess I never questioned myself before because this has always been the normal behavior for me; and as long as it feels natural to me I will never consider it a problem or a burden, but it’s impossible not to feel curious about it. It’s shocking to discover that I probably don’t see sex as most people do and that I don’t live my sexuality as it is supposed to be (as per social conventions), but it’s definitely far from being "wrong" because I’ve felt this way my whole life, so I'm happily embracing it. Now I feel like the brides in those TV shows after they find the perfect dress, when tears start rolling down their faces just because everything seems to match. Maybe I'm just being "paranoid" or maybe I'm just wrong and misinterpretating the signs... but I also think I might have found my perfect dress, the one that puts a smile on my face.

Edited by Sweet Caroline
Missing spaces
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@Sweet Caroline Welcome to AVEN!

 

I think it's wonderful that you've found the perfect dress, so to speak.
It still bewilders me when I hear about how much sex people have, or want to have, so I relate to you there.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Dress Cake,

llnr9yxsuu17xfob5fbz.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Jennthebaker
Posted (edited)

Hi there! I started a thread earlier bc I was a little overwhelmed and just dove in but after reading this wonderful thread I was hoping I could ask about/ discuss what I'm going thru here. I just found this site today and it's been a wild couple hours of intense reading. Im not asexual, nor at this point do I think im demisexual. Thought I was but it just doesn't quite fit.

I am a homosexual female/demiboy. 

I love sex.

I have sexual attraction and sexual desire. 

My best friend told me she thought I was demisexual (about a year ago)  and at the time i agreed after we discussed it. But I didn't do my proper research then and after today realized we had not quite gotten it right. Today im fixing my ignorance. I almost fit. Im so close. For me it's orgasms. People I have deep emotional connections with and have deep feelings for I can have an orgasm.  When it comes to casual sex tho. The feelings are there but the end result? Nope. It was never an issue until I was sort of dating this girl. I thought she was super hot. The attraction and desire was there, but not the bond. Problem was, she couldn't make me have an orgasm no matter how hard she tried. Mind you, super fun times were had. But it just wouldn't happen. We broke up shortly after bc she thought i wasn't actually attracted to her no matter what i said. She was genuinely hurt and I didn't really know how to explain what was going on. My very next gf, whom I started dating not long after, everything was fine. But it was different bc we started as friends and my feelings for here were more mind than body. Secondary attraction I think? Anyways enough of that. 

I found the master sexuality list and I just can't find anything that really describes me. Ihad bet luck with the gender list. I had never heard of the term demiboy before and I gasped when I read it. I don't like labels usually, they feel constricting, but that one? That one I like, a lot. 

This is something I've been immensely curious about after coming across the topic and being directed to this super awesome site. I've had so many questions answered but have so many more. You guys/ girls and all in between and outside of are so awesome thank you so much! 

 

Edited by Jennthebaker

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@Jennthebaker Welcome to AVEN!

 

I can see why you and your friend thought you were Demisexual.
Unfortunately, I don't know a label for someone who needs a close emotional bond to achieve an orgasm.
I'm sorry.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Dungeons and Dragons Cake,

855e0d2e5aea5b0fd88183af7c7eebee.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PollyAce
Posted (edited)

@FaerieFate

 

Omg THANK YOU for making this thread! I feel like I'm going to cry with relief and happiness and gratitude and all the good stuff.

 

I have had so much confusion about my orientation for so long. I have never wanted to have sex with another person in my entire life but I have a sex drive (kinda low, but existent) and I get stupidly romantically attached to people (I don't fancy people that often, but when I do, I really do.) Because the sex drive was there and the attraction was there, I thought I couldn't be asexual. I have no so-called 'logical' reason to not want sex with another person. I have never had a traumatic sexual experience, my hormone levels are completely normal, I'm not repulsed by the concept of sex. My interest in having sex with another person is. Just. Not. There. I have done a lot of 'faking it' when in sexual relationships, desperately hoping that something would 'click' and I'd suddenly be into it. Lying to someone you're in love with feels horrible though and I could never sustain that. Things would always fall apart when I started trying to avoid sex instead. I thought something was seriously broken with me. It's heartbreaking when you're romantically attached to someone and you want to be able to relate to them sexually - to have a 'normal' relationship - but your body just isn't interested. 

 

Reading your posts at the beginning of this thread, it's like everything just aligned in my brain and I now have total clarity. I am asexual through and through. The fact that my sex drive exists, despite being low and sporadic, doesn't take anything away from that. There is nothing wrong with me. I just don't relate to other people sexually. PHEW!  

 

Cheers to self love and understanding! 

Time to celebrate and eat some cake :D.

Edited by PollyAce
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FaerieFate
2 hours ago, PollyAce said:

@FaerieFate

 

Omg THANK YOU for making this thread! I feel like I'm going to cry with relief and happiness and gratitude and all the good stuff.

 

I have had so much confusion about my orientation for so long. I have never wanted to have sex with another person in my entire life but I have a sex drive (kinda low, but existent) and I get stupidly romantically attached to people (I don't fancy people that often, but when I do, I really do.) Because the sex drive was there and the attraction was there, I thought I couldn't be asexual. I have no so-called 'logical' reason to not want sex with another person. I have never had a traumatic sexual experience, my hormone levels are completely normal, I'm not repulsed by the concept of sex. My interest in having sex with another person is. Just. Not. There. I have done a lot of 'faking it' when in sexual relationships, desperately hoping that something would 'click' and I'd suddenly be into it. Lying to someone you're in love with feels horrible though and I could never sustain that. Things would always fall apart when I started trying to avoid sex instead. I thought something was seriously broken with me. It's heartbreaking when you're romantically attached to someone and you want to be able to relate to them sexually - to have a 'normal' relationship - but your body just isn't interested. 

 

Reading your posts at the beginning of this thread, it's like everything just aligned in my brain and I now have total clarity. I am asexual through and through. The fact that my sex drive exists, despite being low and sporadic, doesn't take anything away from that. There is nothing wrong with me. I just don't relate to other people sexually. PHEW!  

 

Cheers to self love and understanding! 

Time to celebrate and eat some cake :D.

Glad to help! This was a big project for me back in the day! I didn't want to post it because it never felt done. Eventually I just realized it'd never be done so I hit "post". I couldn't have done it with the admod team at the time and the wonderful people listed on the first post  (who were admods at the time). But I'm just glad it helps so many people! Wish I had this when I first joined, lol.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@PollyAce A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm happy that this thread has helped you to find clarity!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here are some Couture Cupcakes (Edible swags, tails, roses, drapery and more),

mflqsi2tq7divxjbta7f.jpg

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
theTapshoed1
Posted (edited)

Hi everyone! So I've known/been questioning about asexuality for a couple years now, but only recently began seriously considering the label for myself. At the end of the day I know that only I can define my sexuality. Though I believe a little perspective from those in the ace community would be helpful. I don't want to write you my life story here, but I want to include details I feel are pertinent to my questioning status.

 

I'm a cis-gendered woman in her mid-twenties and a classic introvert. I am an artist and have a deep appreciation for beauty in its myriad forms. I love frienship and romance - real and fictional - and hope to one day find a romantic life partner that is my best friend and I feel 100% myself around.

 

I was homeschooled from kindergarten through my teens. I never felt pressure from religion or family about sexual matters (pro or anti), but definitely absorbed many media portrayals. I first learned what sex entailed by randomly flipping to a page about reproduction in a youth encyclopedia. It grossed me out, but I was barely 12. My parents never formally gave me "the talk". One time we did discuss sexuality, there was talk of looking at people and thinking/feeling "I would have sex with them". I've never experienced this, not for any gender, celebrity, or fictional character I think is beautiful. I didn't think I was on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, but the straight label never quite sat right either.

 

I was an extremely shy and insecure teen who was not ready for dating, and the homeschool dating pool goes from small to nonexistent. I started going to community college at 17 and became laser focused on academics. I developed a very brief, very mild crush (and had a sexual-ish dream about) an old friend which was almost theoretical in nature. He lived in a different U.S. state, had a girlfriend, and we weren't really in contact. I merely liked the "story" of us being together it seemed.

I transferred to a 4-year university to study art. I put studying over socializing and needed a lot of solitude to fully relax, but also  felt profoundly lonely. When I first started hanging out with the person who would become my platonic best friend/roommate, it was an intense combination of excitement (that I actually could make friends on my own) and relief (to have someone to connect with on a deeper level than "classmate").

There was a guy who I thought was cute, who asked me for my number. He texted me to see a movie with him and it wasn't until after I said yes that I realized it might be a "romantic date" instead of a "friend date". I'll never know which, because I panicked and pretended to be cold the entire time so I could prevent hand holding and the like (I should note that it's rare for me to initiate physical contact without a longtime emotional connection). I assumed I was afraid to start a relationship in my senior year. Needless to say we interacted sporadically after that.

 

I graduated, moved back in with my parents, began volunteering and career searching. While my old friends and cousins were getting engaged, I was still a virgin who'd never even been on a real date. My lack of an SO bothered me sometimes, and I fantasized about having someone outside of my family to snuggle and share my daily life with. Rarely, if ever, did I see myself having/wanting frequent sex. I never felt deprived or unhappy because I wasn't "getting any". I started experiencing arousal watching M rated TV and reading smutty fanfiction, but was never compelled to fully masturbate or seek out pornography. Once I got over blushing at them, contrived sex scenes almost seemed like a nuisance in comparison to other scenes of intense connection.

 

Someone showed interest in me and I developed a notable crush because of it (minus a sense of sexual attraction). We sort of mutually asked each other out on a few unambiguous dates. I enjoyed the free-flowing conversations and cuddling felt lovely and peaceful too. My very first kiss was weird (recent too). It didn't feel amazing or out of control, just fine... saliva-y. I communicated enough to keep it gentle like I wanted, but got bored a couple minutes in. They clearly wanted to continue making out, I wanted to touch foreheads/noses and get back to the TV show we were watching. I didn't once think/feel like I wanted to get naked or touch genitals in any way.

 

So I'm getting the feeling I'm under the ace umbrella. Demisexual or graysexual with a side of hetero-romantic perhaps. Any thoughts/suggestions?

P.S. Sorry for the immense block of text, I guess I have a lot on my mind.😅

Edited by theTapshoed1
Missing word

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@theTapshoed1 Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like you could be Asexual rather than Greysexual or Demisexual.
Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, but this is different from Arousal, and Asexuals can still become aroused.
And I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, but there are other types of attraction that an Asexual could experience.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Tap Shoes Cake,

i7lzkiprd0l1igtp5khk.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
foof

Hi,

For the past few weeks I have been questioning the fact whether I am asexual or not. I've had crushes on guys, but I have never looked at one and thought "wow, I'd tap that". Last year, when I went to college, I felt a desire to have a sexual relationship but only because I wanted to experience what my friends couldn't stop talking about; I wanted to be included. All of my attempts proved ok, but nothing spectacular. I found myself not super into it, just thinking that if I continued things would change. Following parties, I would also occasionally find myself desiring sexual activity with boys I had met that night that demonstrated interest, but I think it was more of a "I want to try sex" matter than a "I want to have sex with you" one, I do enjoy the act of making out, simply because I think it feels good. What do you think? I am fairly comfortable with either sex-positive asexual or gray asexual to describe myself, but a second opinion would be nice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
theTapshoed1
17 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

@theTapshoed1 Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like you could be Asexual rather than Greysexual or Demisexual.
Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, but this is different from Arousal, and Asexuals can still become aroused.
And I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, but there are other types of attraction that an Asexual could experience.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Tap Shoes Cake,

i7lzkiprd0l1igtp5khk.jpg

As a fairly indecisive person myself, I greatly appreciated your straightforward response!😄 It has given me some good things to mull over. I knew a little bit about the different attraction types, but I think this (and a dive into some other forum threads) brought some extra clarity to how they might operate in my own experience.

 

Also, I adore this cake! Thank you!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@foof Welcome to AVEN!

 

I think if you only want sex for reasons like curiosity, to please a partner, or to fit in, then you could be Asexual, as you'd lack the innate desire for sex that comes with Sexual Attraction.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Spring Flower Basket Cake (all edible),

IMG_20180306_131332a_v5kfc8.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FaceofBase
On 6/13/2019 at 1:43 AM, MichaelTannock said:

@FaceofBase Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be Asexual or Greysexual depending on whether you mean arousal when you say Sexual Attraction.
I define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, but if what's felt doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person it's felt towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction.
A Greysexual will experience Sexual Attraction rarely, or under specific circumstances.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Thanks! This is very helpful and I am honored to be the recipient of your favorite cake.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SomethingWithFlowers
Posted (edited)

Hi,

I've been on this website for a couple of years off and on. I've known I was some form of asexual since high school but I've never been sure of what level. I never, and still do not, saw anyone in a sexual light. Currently I identify as demisexual but I have been questioning myself. 

 

I am 23 and I first had sex over 2 years ago. Before that I identified as sex repulsed and I was sure I would never have sex. Then I met my current husband and we discussed having sex. He confessed that he did not think he could be comfortable in a relationship without sex and so I decided to try. I do have a high libido and enjoy the act of sex. Sometimes it's boring and I just do it because it makes him happy. I rarely initiate the act myself.  There are times when I feel extremely sex repulsed and regret ever having sex in the first place.  I do enjoy masturbating quite a bit but usually that's tedious as well. 

 

Anyway, I would appreciate any insight you might have. 

Edited by SomethingWithFlowers
Posted too early

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
idkwmoi

This thread is great! 

 

In over 40 years of life, the end of every relationship has been, "I think you're gay and just don't know it yet," "That's called friendship," "If you found me attractive you'd want to sleep with me."

 

I never understood the sudden rush to date in high school. I was equally perplexed by the sudden obsession with sex. I had no idea they were feeling something. I started dating just to fit in. My first time, I was so grossed out I neary vomited. Every time after that was no different. I assumed everybody felt that way and I just needed to work to overcome it. Maybe I really was gay, so I dated other genders. No change. From that alone, I think it's pretty clear that I'm a sex-repulsed asexual, but that wasn't all there was.

 

I do enjoy porn and it even arouses me. But it's not the people. It's the situation. It's how I expect it to feel. I've never been aroused in relation to a specific person. I also have no aversion to nudity or sensual activities in the nude. I just can't stand genital contact and would rather watch paint dry than have sex. That made me wonder if I was a repulsed sexual.

 

What really helped though, was seeing attraction broken out into 4 parts on this site. When I look at it that way, it seems pretty clear that I experience 3/4 of them. It's not experiencing sexual attraction that makes figuring out who I'm attracted to just as difficult as figuring out which muscle car I'm attracted to. I can tell if they're attractive. I can determine if I could see myself in a relationship with them. I just don't feel anything more than an emotional connection. I used to think this meant I could be sexually attracted to all genders, but now I'm starting to think it means I'm sexually attracted to none of them. 

 

The other problem I run into is that nobody seems to think asexuality is real. I keep getting told I just haven't met the right person yet. How long is that going to take? I think if I was going to feel what they're describing at any point in my life, puberty would have been the hotspot for that. And I should have met at least one "right person" in over 30 years of dating too, unless I'm just the most unlucky woman on the planet. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@idkwmoi A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

For some reason, it's hard for a lot of people to understand being sexually attracted to no one.
I'm sorry that people keep telling you that you just haven't met the right person yet.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Not a usual Unicorn' Cake,

lxyh8hbtsuviynxy7xw8.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
idkwmoi
On 7/9/2019 at 3:09 PM, MichaelTannock said:

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a 'Not a usual Unicorn' Cake,

I love cake! Thank you :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flyingtengu
Posted (edited)

So I was talking to friends and mentioned I thought I thought I was ace, but didn't know if I was ace or bi. They told me unless I had sex with another female( I was born as a ciswoman) that they did not believe me to be bi. I don't really feel attracted to either genders and would not mind being in a relationship with anyone who is trans, male,or female and am not opposed to having sexual relations with the people I would be in a relationship with , though it's not something I would look forward to or really feel anything for. I am an artist who draws/paints erotic art but It isn't something that excites me or "turns me on". And though I like to cuddle and be affectionate my current significant other oftens can become arroused during non sexual intimacy and wants things to lead in that direction when I prefer just regular intimacy.  Do these count asexual tendencies? 

 

Edited by Flyingtengu
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving
37 minutes ago, Flyingtengu said:

So I was talking to friends and mentioned I thought I thought I was ace, but didn't know if I was ace or bi. They told me unless I had sex with another female( I was born as a ciswoman) that they did not believe me to be bi. I don't really feel attracted to either genders and would not mind being in a relationship with anyone who is trans, male,or female and am not opposed to having sexual relations with the people I would be in a relationship with , though it's not something I would look forward to or really feel anything for. I am an artist who draws/paints erotic art but It isn't something that excites me or "turns me on". And though I like to cuddle and be affectionate my current significant other oftens can become arroused during non sexual intimacy and wants things to lead in that direction when I prefer just regular intimacy.  Do these count asexual tendencies? 

 

It sounds possible, but it’s something only you can really decide. Hopefully these forums will help! 🎂

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

@Flyingtengu Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Panromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, have sex, and masturbate, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Tengu Cake,

6268c13e356b9eee22660807b8394152.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AnonymousPersonnn

Hello,

 

Thank you so much for creating this thread. I am a 19 years old straight female and I have been questioning whether I am asexual lately. I have had a lot of casual sex in the past whilst being drunk and also because I am very bad at voicing my opinion. I never really felt anything from it, any attraction or anything like that, for me it was more like a chore where my goal was to make the other person come as quick as possible and get it over with. But in most cases I didn’t really mind it either per se. 2 months ago I got my first boyfriend. We started off having sex quite frequently even though I started saying no to it more as I got more comfortable. I just didn’t want it and didn’t feel like doing it, although sometimes I still agreed to a quick session. But not that long ago I got raped by a guy when I was out clubbing with my friend. After that I started saying no completely to the sexual advances of my boyfriend. I no longer just didn’t feel any sexual desire, it was now something negative for me. Something connected with shame and guilt. And it made me feel horrible that my boyfriend still made sexual advances towards me, as it made me feel even more guilty for not satisfying his needs.

At this point I don’t even know if the rape is what ruined my sexuality in this manner or if this would be an inevitable turning point in our relationship at some stage either way because of my persumed asexuality. I am very worried about how our relationship will work because I do know we trutly love each other, but I also know that it would be hard to make it work in the long run as his sex drive is way above average whilst I now am repulsed by the thought of sex. Any advice on how best to handle a situation like this?

 

Also, sorry for rambling on, I realize how badly structured the story is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gray-a girl

I am settling on the gray-a label for myself but, I have some other variations on that.

I am wondering, if I don't like kissing at all and find that gross, does that fall under "asexual/gray-a" or does that fall under "aromantic"? I am in a relationship where I've fallen in love, so I don't know if aromantics do that. But I wouldn't call our relationship romantic in any way. So I was just curious. 


I guess I am also a little confused about what aromatic means. Not romantically attracted? What does that mean? How does it differ from asexuality or gray-a? What is romantic attraction? Is that the same as love or an ability to love?

 

Also I am curious about cupiosexual.... I think it's called. Is that the same as being sex-favorable? (For a long while I thought I couldnt be Ace because someone told me I couldn't be asexual or gray a because I like sex. Then I learned about sex-favorable asexuality and gray-a.) What if you dont have a physical need for sex, but you do like it when it happens? Currently my (non-asexual) boyfriend and I don't have sex, but I wouldn't mind if we did every once in awhile. It would be nice. (Still if we never did, which is where we are now, I wouldn't be all that upset about it.) I'm kinky, and kinky things are the only thing that turns me on, so if we do kinky things thats enough for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fastidious friend
On 4/17/2016 at 10:02 PM, FaerieFate said:

Fraysexual - Someone who is only sexually attracted to someone that they are less familiar with and lose that sexual attraction once they get to know the person.

Wait. Wait wait wait. That's a thing? That's... not just me? Not specifically a trauma response (which is the explanation I've always found, and didn't really make sense)? 

Like I was here from the definition of gray-ace that includes "people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances" with one of my specific circumstances being early on in getting to know someone, but that's... its own thing... huh. Cool. 

I guess then I'd still say I'm gray-ace bc there are two sets of specific conditions that can let me enjoy sex, but one of them is the fraysexual definition it seems!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PaxArrow

I believe I am ace or aro but not sure about this one thing: I had a crush on someone but never felt like having sex with or kissing them. I guess I just wanted them to like me back or be interested in me(?) IDK. 

We weren't very close. I don't feel that way to anyone else anymore, maybe just something about that one person seemed attractive.

Where would I fit on the spectrum?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FaerieFate
22 minutes ago, PaxArrow said:

I believe I am ace or aro but not sure about this one thing: I had a crush on someone but never felt like having sex with or kissing them. I guess I just wanted them to like me back or be interested in me(?) IDK. 

We weren't very close. I don't feel that way to anyone else anymore, maybe just something about that one person seemed attractive.

Where would I fit on the spectrum?

You sure it was a crush and not a squish? Squish is like a crush except it's platonic. A desire to be good friends with someone. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Vellum

I’ve been lurking on this site for a while and finally decided to make an account. I’m really grateful for all the information posted in these forums! 

 

In real life, I only feel comfortable talking about my sexuality with one friend, so it’s great that there’s a place to share and discuss online.

 

I’m a cisgender female who turns 18 next month. I previously assumed myself to be heterosexual, but honestly I never found any gender more attractive than another. I’m a sucker for fictional romance and have a libido; however, I’ve never had a crush in my life so far. I’m repulsed by the idea of physical intimacy and don’t really desire emotional intimacy (that goes beyond what I experience with friends and family) if it involves me personally. Even when I get aroused I’m thinking about love between characters rather than real people. Currently, I’m not bothered by the idea of being single and a virgin for life.

 

I’m not sure where I’d be on the ace spectrum or if my feelings could do a 180 in the future, but for now I’ve decided I’m asexual.

 

Thanks again for the resources!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11enby

#CN: mentioning sex

 

hi! so I've been having some confusion on my sexuality and whether or not me identifying as a-spec is appropriate. I stumbled upon the term demisexual a few years ago and I came back to it from time to time and Idk, it resonates with me but also doesn't: I don't need to be super close to someone to feel sexually attracted to them but I always have to have a strong romantic crush(which comes with a desire for emotional intimacy) on someone to have those sexy feelings at all - so I can count the people I've felt sexually attracted to on one hand and they've always been people I romantically crushed on before I felt sexually attracted to them. Also, I know that for many people sexual attraction and romantic attraction exist separately, and ofc I'm not trying to argue against that but it's just such a foreign concept to me since the one thing depends on the other in my case. So I don't feel like an allosexual person bc no, I only feel sexual attraction if I've (romantically) crushed on someone and it's more of a bonding thing anyway to me than just sex for the sake of it feeling good (and when I have sex 95% of the time I only want to "top", give pleasure but not receive). I also don't/can't participate in "hook up culture" bc even tho it sounds nice to be sexual with someone without having to deal with romantic feelings, it really does not work for me and trying it several times has only left me feeling empty, confused and like I need to get out of this situation as soon as possible. BUT identifying as demisexual also feels wrong bc there doesn't have to be an actual bond between me and the person, I just have to feel like I want to be close to them/crush on them romantically (and I think there is a difference between two people creating a bond and a person who desires to create a bond). And what's also confusing is that I have a high sex drive when I have a romantic crush on someone and I have a crush on someone pretty much all the time so I've been having sexy feelings for longer periods and can't connect to the ace/demi experiences that I've looked up, I just can't find someone with a similar narrative to mine. 

So basically what I'm trying to say is, I lost track of what the allo norm is and I don't feel like I fit into either allo or aspec and I can't find a label that really fits. Got any thoughts on this? I'd appreciate it :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
PaxArrow
On 8/1/2019 at 3:30 PM, FaerieFate said:

You sure it was a crush and not a squish? Squish is like a crush except it's platonic. A desire to be good friends with someone. 

Didn't know there was a term for that but, yes, I believe it was just me wanting to be really good friends. Thanks for that!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gaymit

Would it be possible to say you're an asexual gay man. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...