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Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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Diadem of 12 Stars
On 10/22/2018 at 6:33 PM, pinienbaum said:

Hi! I am female, 21 years old and I think I am asexual. I had sex once, I was drunk and forced myself to do it because I thought I should try it once, but I felt so broken afterwards. I masturbate, but I don't think about sex while doing it. I don't fantasise about having sex, but about being kissed and hugged and sometimes I like it in real life but after some time, when it leads to more, I get afraid or nauseated. The problem is, I really don't want to be asexual. I cry every time I think about it. Even right now I am crying. I feel like, I can't people get closer to me than I can right now. So there is nothing new and exiting waiting in the future. I want to be adventurous and make a lot of experiences but I'll never have the experience of having sex and that makes me really sad. I keep thinking, that maybe I could get used to sex or that one day I'd fall in love and everything would be different and I don't know if I have to give up this hope.

Has someone made similar experiences?

(trigger warning for sexual abuse, here)

I'm 33 years old, and I started to call myself asexual at the age of 18. I also have a history of sexual abuse, twice, by two other boys. My second abuser molested me in my school from the ages of seven to nine years old and he would call me his "girlfriend". There are many, many times I have questioned my sexuality. I do get curious -- I am curious. I've never had sex, too; I've had boyfriends, ACTUAL boyfriends, but having to be physical always grossed me out or frightened me. I don't know if my asexuality is a result of that abuse or if it's a mix between the two. I emotionally check out when men compliment me; I've even disassociated at points in my life where boys attempted to hold my hand. So, yeah, I know how you feel, especially with trauma, which you already sound like you have. What you definitely need to do, in addition to talking to peers, is find a mental health professional to talk to. If you don't know where to go, I went to RAINN (one for reporting a crime and they helped me with victim's comp paperwork) for affordable resources. In my experience, RAINN has had the best people to talk to. 

 

I used to be pretty conservative with relationships and sex (though, never about homosexuality, because I've always had gay friends) and believed in sex before marriage. My first sexual experience at the age of 16, I tried it, but when there was no emotional connection, I got very, very depressed. I would feel more comfortable with an emotional connection in regards to sex... or sometimes, I'm not sure. As for any sort of masturbation, I started to do it more regularly from 25 up to now; I even worked up the nerve to buy my first sex toy and just having that control over my body for once, in a sexual manner, was absolutely liberating for me. I haven't felt this confident in a long time.  I get grossed out with the idea of sex, too, but I'm perfectly comfortable imagining it being someone else, writing smut, or drawing porn. If it's with me? I'm just like 😐

 

I, personally, think you'll find a way to feel better about your body over time. It has taken me decades to feel even remotely sex-positive and it hasn't been with another person. Therapy is going to be the key for you; it doesn't have to be group therapy (I cannot stand it, myself), but that will be something that they suggest to you, including EMDR and CBT. This is going to be something you need so that you can recognize emotional triggers, help break down your thoughts, and come to terms with these memories. It's not fun, but it helps. Do not feel shame in it taking a while; I've been through a lot of therapists, from the age of nine, been through various forms of medication, been hospitalized three times, and I'm still waffling with getting medication and therapy. But it's a far cry from when I was, hurting myself because I was so upset my first sexual encounter wasn't that emotional level that I thought it would be.

 

If you're not comfortable exploring your own body, hey, that's fine. I actually didn't really find any real, absolute pleasure until literally a year ago. It's been weird for me, having this all pop out of the blue at 32 and finding my own awakening.  To think at 32 I'm doing this, when possibly, I could have done this at a younger age. 

 

And hey, you'll find ways of reclaiming your body. For me, it's been through tattoos, alternative fashion. piercings, hair extensions, hair color, and just messing with my hair. It is different for every individual, your results are not going to be the same for others. Never feel bad that you, yourself, at 21 years old start becoming emotionally upset at the idea of kissing and hugging. It's okay. But really, I highly advocate for you to start seeking help and for real? Tattoos and piercings... doing something with your hair will help you reclaim your body.

 

If you just need someone else to talk to about this, I'm here. I'm glad I found your reply because I'm seriously in the same boat and knowing someone else is wondering the same thing makes me feel so much better. 

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S Dub
36 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@S Dub Welcome to AVEN!

 

There are successful relationships between Sexuals and Asexuals, but they're more difficult than relationships between two Sexuals or two Asexuals.
Have you told your husband that you're Ace?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Thank you for the welcome. No, I haven't "come out" to my husband, as he's violently ill in bed at the moment...  in finding this site last night, it was like a lightbulb went on. There IS a reason, it doesn't have to be "repressed sexual abuse" or some other explanation, maybe it's just who I am? 

Looking back, (I'm 35), I never felt an urge to initiate anything more than kissing. That led to me (and various boyfriends over the years) questioning if I'm subconsciously lesbian. I am aesthetically attracted to women but have no desire for a romantic relationship with a woman. Romantically, I want to be with a man. I do find some men aesthetically attractive, but don't have urges for sexual activity with them. I have, a handful of times, wanted to have sex with a partner for the sake of the act (feeling love, pleasure, idk) but the fleeting moments of horniness I've felt, I prefer to masturbate over partnered sexual activity. That concept made zero sense to me until I found this site. My friends talk about loving penises (or vaginas) and I just don't. I feel ashamed & embarrassed & just "play along" with the mood. 

I'm optimistic my husband will accept me & be willing to work towards a common ground, leaving us each feeling fulfilled... but long term, he may eventually get too frustrated & give up. I want to be open to an open relationship so his needs can be met, but I don't think that's the answer for either of us. To him, sex=love & he wants that "love" from me.

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SST

Not sure if this is the place for me but after reading a few stories about others I think it might be.  Been married for 4 years (been together 6 years) have one kid and started couples counseling because my wife is threatening to leave me because we don't have sex enough and when I tell her I'm not just really into it she feels rejected like I'm not attracted to her and fears I am gay.  I don't find men attractive in any way and I only find women attractive I just don't care for sex.  I did some research on Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and Asexuality and I'm not sure what I fit into. I want more children and find sex somewhat enjoyable sometimes but if I went the rest of my life without sex I wouldn't care.  Before my wife I spent most myself deployed so not having sex for long periods of time was normal to me.  I love my wife, I love our life I recently presented her with what I think might be the issue (Asexuality) and things look bleak. I don't want to get divorced we have a wonderful family but I'm not sure if I can save it if we don't have more sex which I feel I can't do.  We our in late 30's and she says she might have time to move on and find some else while she still has a chance but also is fearful of taking a gamble on meeting an A-Hole and thinking maybe her sex drive will go down in a few years and everything will be in-sync sexually with us. We are great together near perfect, just sexually we are not on the same page.  I'm a little lost on what to do and what to think. Any input would be helpful. 

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S Dub

@SST I've had a few relationships where the guy asked if I was "subconsiously gay/lesbian"... I find women aesthetically attractive but am not romantically interested in women. I didn't understand this concept until last night myself, so I'm not much help, but I can tell you you're not alone! I haven't even "come out" to my husband yet. I just ordered the 5 Love Languages book and a daily marriage devotional called "dare to love" in hopes of finding ways to fulfill his needs other than sex acts. He's accepted my "low libido" for 7 years (though thoroughly frustrated) so I'm hopeful we can find solutions, but also know that in practice, it just may never be enough for him. I'm optimistic he can accept the label & work open mindedly to find solutions.... but still fear hugely for our future. And feel the pressure of the clock, as we're 33 & 35.... if he wants to move on, we'd both be better off with a separation sooner rather than dragging out the inevitable.  Sending positive thoughts & vibes, my friend. 

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MichaelTannock

@SST Welcome to AVEN!

 

And Happy New Year!

 

It sounds like you're Asexual, an Asexual can still find people attractive because there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
We define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Romantic Attraction leads to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
Sensual Attraction leads to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
Aesthetic Attraction leads to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
And more.

 

As for advice, I've read that having a sex schedule helps both the Sexual and the Asexual.
Though in my case I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I can't give you any experience based advice.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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Cachet

Thanks @FaerieFate for making this thread. Been reading all the posts here and the links provided and they were very helpful. It answered all my questions plus informed me of how the asexual spectrum is much bigger than I could have imagined.

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MichaelTannock

@Cachet Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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Cachet
55 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Cachet Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Thanks @MichaelTannock, and wow that is some cake.

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FaerieFate
22 hours ago, Cachet said:

Thanks @FaerieFate for making this thread. Been reading all the posts here and the links provided and they were very helpful. It answered all my questions plus informed me of how the asexual spectrum is much bigger than I could have imagined.

Thank you for taking the time to read it and compliments. It took a few months for me to make :)

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FaerieFate
On 12/31/2018 at 8:13 AM, Heliar said:

Hi! I am questioning my sexuality as well. I try to explain why in detail. Can someone relate to that or has similar experiences? 

 

 

I am a 20 years old transguy. So far I thought I was gay and I'm in a homosexual relationship since two years. I am afraid I might be asexual and aromantic.

 

I have only been "inlove" once in my life. I was like 11-13 and had a crush on my best friend. I had that prickle in my stomach and thought about him all the time. I also had a few sexual fantasies about him. But I guess he was a really late bloomer and he never showed interest in anyone, so my feelings just faded after two or three years. That was the last time I had such feelings for a real person.

Until I was 15 I had some silly crushes on several celebrities, but I guess that isn't any different than loving a fictional person. Since puberty made me feel uncomfortable about my female body and social expectations I avoided contact to others pretty much and was fine with that. I had no interest in the boys and girls I knew.  I started to run away from reality, did a lot roleplaygames online and kind of fell in love with a fictional character of mine when I was 16. He is still on my mind every day... I became very depressive as well.

 

About that time I also realised I don't want to be a girl because I'm not. I came out, changed school and started all new introducing myself as a boy. Luckily I already looked very masculine from just wearing other clothes so I passed and was incredibly happy to be seen as male. Sadly my family didn't do so, so I still had a hard time at home. Now that I could be who I am I also gained interest in social contact and found some friends who I really liked for the first time.

There was one who was trans too and I kind of tried to love him. I really liked him and wanted him to be mine, protect him, cuddle and stuff, but I did not feel for him like I felt for my fictional character. I really tried a lot to fall in love and I guess I kind of talked my self into believing I was in love. Because I never was sure about it, I never tried to fight for his love. It would be really mean to flirt and make him love me and then tell him: "oooops sorry, I was wrong, I actually don't love you at all." right? I didn't wish to have sex with him. I do and always did masturbate daily, but I keep thinking about fictional things.

A year later then the same thing happend again. There was another transguy and he was my first kiss. Spittle acutally doesn't disgust me that much, but kissing always made me cringe a long time and felt uncomfortable. I thought that wasn't normal and again tried hard to like it. I didn't come together with him either, same reason. He wanted to be loved truly, so he "left me". After that I felt a bit inlove/lovesick, but I guess it's just that people only want what they cant have.

 

Then I started dating when I was 17 or 18.  I registered on a gay dating site and met some guys. I had fun to plan trips with my dates and talk and stuff, but I had no desire to kiss one of them and didn't do so. I was searching for "The one" that finally makes me fall in love. I was so confused that I couldn't. I felt so much love, attraction and sexual desire for the fictional character in my fantasies, why can't I feel that for someone real? I wished so much to do all the wonderfull things with someone in reality, so have someone by my side, to find out what sex is like, to satisfy someone I feel close to an make him happy.

 

I was sure that I could not fall in love or desire sex with someone because of my transsexuality. I thought that I lost contact with my body so much, I unlearnt how to feel such things. I also have been very distant in general. I had problems to concentrate on reality and did not feel much outside my fantasy, so my explanation made sense to me and my therapists.

 

 

I already gave up on that and didn't think about that so much anymore, when one day this one guy contacted me on the dating site I was registred. He really wanted to get to know me, so we dated, skyped the whole day for weeks and I visited him. We could talk really well, had so many same interests and he felt familiar to me, not so strange and distant as the other guys I dated, so I gave it a chance. I was surprised how much I trust him mentally and physically. It felt like we know each other for ages. I never thought I could have sex on a first date but... well I had (anal of course). It felt kind of meaningless, and did not pleasure me at all, but I just thought about how I didn't feel so dysphoric at all. He told me then that he is falling in love with me and asked me to be his boyfriend.

Did I love him at that point? I don't think so. I still did not feel in love or attracted to him. I enjoyed to hug him and to have a beautiful time with him. I convinced myself that the trust I feel for him was a "deeper form of love" and promised my self to fall in love with him over time (???). So I said yes. I wasn't sure if I love him, but I was sure that I want to be together with him.

 

Everything was fine and after a few month we even moved together. I still did not fall in love, but I still am very happy to have him. He is a wonderful person, loves me so much and never doubt my masculinity. So much weight fell of my shoulders when I finally left my family. My boyfriends family and friends don't even know I'm trans and I can finally be normal.

The depression got better. Although things got so much better, I still had no crush on him and did not desire sex. I thought it's because of my dysphoria and because I have no dick to fuck him anyway. Also I hoped my low libido would rise as soon as I start with Testosteron. Many transguys report how horny they suddenly got when they got on T. So I got Testosteron. I was very happy, my dysphoria even vanished pretty much. But no libido came and no sex drive :(

 

Now another year has passed. I feel closer and closer to him, but there is still no romance or sexual attraction. We had sex frequently in the beginning, until I noticed that I don't have the fun other people have. Now I mostly just pleasure him, but also that took some time not to feel strange to me.

I really try to be romantic for him. He does not expect it from me, but it makes him happy and likes that. Sometimes I love to see his happy eyes when I bought some roses on my way home or something. Did I persuade myself into feeling so again? Or is that the yearned glimmer of hope that I'm not aromantic

I had a phase where I was really unhappy about our (not really existing) sexual life. I thought that it's because he doesn't want to be passive/bottom/submissive. And because I fantasise about cute, feminine and weak men. Maybe I'm only attracted to men that are 100% my type?

Then I tried to forget sex. Why wish for something I can't have anyways? I have no dick, no sex drive and no partner who wants to be penetrated by me. The though hurts, that I might never have what I enjoy in my fantasy, but life is hard, so just don't think about it. That was okay for me.

- but not for my boyfriend. He can't and doesn't want to give up his sexuality in such a young age and it hurts him a lot that I refused any sexual interaction for some time.

 

So here I am know. Afraid that I'm just not able to have romantic or sexual feelings for real man.

I need to know if I am aromantic and/or asexual. It's not about the lable... I obviously have enough lables. But I need to know if I should give up on sex or if there is still a chance to fight for those things...

 

I don't want do be asexual/aromantic! good that it's nothing bad for you guys, but I want to have what I got to know in my fantasy!

Wow, sorry for late reply on this, but I can try to help. I mean, he might just not be your type. You could be grey-a or demisexual. Look up those terms. But, if it bothers you, you might want to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist about hypoactive sexual disorder (I think that's the right term, but I may be wrong). Even talk to the doctor prescribing testosterone if you have no libido and that's bothering you. Hope you get help you need. :)

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Imbatman22

Hi. I'm questioning my asexuality. I've never had sex, but i just find other people disgusting below the belt. Sort of. The idea of sex makes me cringe and feel some disconfort deep inside. 

 

But the reason im confused is in relation to fetishes and gender.

 

I have a sexual fetish and I find myself sexually attracted to women. Though their unmentionables are disgusting, other parts of their bodies are attractive. I feel like my fetish is a substitute for sex. That's why I ask. If im not Asexual, im straight. 

 

Also, if it helps, my fetish does involve physical contact. Thanks.

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MichaelTannock

@Imbatman22 Welcome to AVEN!

 

Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning an Asexual can experience arousal, and have fetishes, but if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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The Cake is Not a Lie

I have been trying to figure out my sexuality for the past few months. For a while I thought I was bi or pan but it always felt off I noticed how people online always talk about wanting to have sex with someone is a good indicator of sexuality but I never felt that and the idea of sex kinda grosses me out. I now think I am asexual and maybe panromantic but I'm 14 (15 in May) and not quite sure. I need someone to talk to about this and I don't want to tell a Friend or my sibling. Can someone help me?

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MichaelTannock

@Pianosquirrel Welcome to AVEN!

 

I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens, around 14 when I started hearing sexual comments from my peers and in media and found that they bewildered me.

My advice is that you don't need to adopt a label right away and to wait until you are comfortable with identifying as Asexual.
Your feelings could change in the future, but it's alright whether they do or not.

You might also find this helpful it's a short book about Asexuality that is free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here are some Piano and Sheet Music Cupcakes,

piano-and-sheet-music-cupcakes.jpg

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itsalrightnow

-

Edited by itsalrightnow
Moved thoughts to a new topic

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Larry169

Can you become asexual through some form of trauma (term used very lightly). My story is likely pretty odd. I'm 23M and I last was in a relationship when I was 19. Before the end of that relationship I crushed hard and often and the longest was about 5 years. During that last relationship I found that sure kissing is fun and boobs are nice but I didn't really find them all that great. The trauma really came when I almost had sex with her ( I used to be a Christian and my dad would have been fired if anyone at his workplace - my school found out) and I broke up with her because I recognized I wanted it too. However since that breakup I haven't really cared anymore. Up until recently I haven't thought much of it but I met someone who was gorgeous like even if she wasn't your type just perfect and I recognized that beauty but there was no major sexual attraction past that point. That's when I really knew something was up because 6 years ago I would have had the biggest crush and been unable to talk to her but now I feel nothing. I still am sexual but I'm not convinced it's not purely a biological drive to masturbate. I don't watch normal porn and this is really weird to admit but I get off on women being hypnotized to orgasm like it doesn't matter clothed or not it's just the knowledge that they are feeling incredible that makes me feel good. Wtf am I even saying I have no idea. I just don't know what to call myself or what I even really want. I want a relationship I know that but I think what I really want is a friend I can hug and just cuddle with. I don't even know if they need to be female but it's not like any of my southern Christian male friends will let me hug them ( bunch of legit homophobes I swear) god this is a bunch of late night drivel I'm sorry but yeah if you can make sense of what I'm saying can you be sexually inclined then just not?

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alibali

Everyone is different but generally asexuality isn't affected by trauma. If it bothers you that you don't feel desire any more then it is probably something that could be resolved by counselling or the right relationship for you.

 

As an example I had some bad experiences but I couldn't have cared less whether I never had sex at all.  The only reason I did care about was pleasing the partners I have had not any innate desire for them other than their company. I wanted to fit in.

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Captain Marble
On 7/19/2016 at 9:27 PM, FaerieFate said:

Shoot, I've been so caught up in a million other things I forgot about this.

Well, I can give you my input on both definitions, but take it with a grain of salt. A lot of people disagree with me. However, I think the post I quoted below might pertain to you even though the question isn't exactly the same.

Okay, I have felt this "tingley" feeling you speak of, but still thinking about sex really grosses me out. This is confusing for me

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alibali
3 hours ago, Captain Marble said:

Okay, I have felt this "tingley" feeling you speak of, but still thinking about sex really grosses me out. This is confusing for me

I suppose the question is if/when you are with someone you really like and there is no other awkwardness between you,  does the "tingly" feeling make you want to get closer, have sex with them?

 

That's my benchmark for knowing I am asexual and I have had numerous relationships but never felt that. Some scenes on TV sometimes evoke that reaction though.

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Captain Marble
8 hours ago, alibali said:

I suppose the question is if/when you are with someone you really like and there is no other awkwardness between you,  does the "tingly" feeling make you want to get closer, have sex with them?

 

That's my benchmark for knowing I am asexual and I have had numerous relationships but never felt that. Some scenes on TV sometimes evoke that reaction though.

Yeah no, I have never wanted that. I don't even know if I link the feeling to a person or sex at all. But I can relate to the thing about TV scenes.

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alibali

I used to assume that that mild tingly feeling meant I was "normal" until i realised that actually people felt much more strongly and wanted to act on it with a real person.

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MichaelTannock

@Larry169 A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know if Trauma can make you Asexual, but it sounds like you're Asexual.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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PolgaraTheSorceress

I only just realised that I only open up to people when I'm drunk or having a breakdown. I'm worried that the reason I don’t like the idea of sex is because I'm not emotionally close enough to my bf? I was pretty confident of my ace status before but everytime I've gotten close to telling someone they've shot it down. 

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itsalrightnow
On 3/2/2019 at 8:01 PM, PolgaraTheSorceress said:

I only just realised that I only open up to people when I'm drunk or having a breakdown. I'm worried that the reason I don’t like the idea of sex is because I'm not emotionally close enough to my bf? I was pretty confident of my ace status before but everytime I've gotten close to telling someone they've shot it down. 


I'm really new here, but, I used to have the same worries. I thought the reason I didn't want sex was just because I was letting my fear get in the way and had never really been outright honest about my feelings about sex to my boyfriends. I just ended a relationship with someone I laid it all bare with and felt extremely emotionally close to; because  I still never felt sexually attracted to him. So, in short, no. I don't think your degree of emotional closeness has anything to do with whether you're asexual or not. 

As for opening up to people when drunk, alcohol lowers your inhibitions. It's easier to let things out that you've been holding in because of that.  I'm sorry the people you've tried to tell have shot you down. That's awful. But, they don't decide what you are or are not. Just because they don't understand it doesn't mean that's not what's going on.
 

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IceKing

Ah yes, I tried to have sexual activities while I was drunk too where I was in my phase of "I need to convince myself sex is as amazing as they say and maybe I'll crave it then". If someone needs to get drunk first, let's just say it is never a good sign.

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Shio

Had another talk with mum last night. (General discussions of sex without graphic details incoming)

In short she thinks that since I've never been in a romantic relationship, I can't know if I'm asexual.
Her argument is actually a decent one. 
She points out that a lot of women only become interested in their partners when they're used to the intimacy of cuddling, kissing ect. That I can't really know until someone touches me, because that's usually when sexual feelings happen.

Then she points out that during high school I had a terrible time of it. It's true I was dealing with a pre-cancerous cyst, a bipolar father constantly going Mr Hyde on us, and dad had a heart attack. So I was then dealing with depression and the fallout from that on my studies, I started medication at around 17.

It's very possible that my emotional trauma (which I can't remember a lot of) has sort of frightened me away from intimacy. 
Then there's the medication, which regardless of what people say re: sexual attraction it does impact libido, which I think can make it harder to tell when you're sexually attracted to someone.

It is true that whenever I feel vaguely horny I find it easier to ignore rather than chase down, because attempting to masturbate results in my getting bored, losing focus and just stopping. Then I'm irritable because I've stopped halfway.
It's a mental thing. I just lose interest.

So now I'm kind of questioning myself and bleh.
This all came up because of my anxiety over dating and such. I think I should try going to gay bars, I wish there were gay cafes instead. Considering OKcupid just for meeting friends, not dating.

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FaerieFate
2 hours ago, Shio said:

Had another talk with mum last night. (General discussions of sex without graphic details incoming)

In short she thinks that since I've never been in a romantic relationship, I can't know if I'm asexual.
Her argument is actually a decent one. 
She points out that a lot of women only become interested in their partners when they're used to the intimacy of cuddling, kissing ect. That I can't really know until someone touches me, because that's usually when sexual feelings happen.

Then she points out that during high school I had a terrible time of it. It's true I was dealing with a pre-cancerous cyst, a bipolar father constantly going Mr Hyde on us, and dad had a heart attack. So I was then dealing with depression and the fallout from that on my studies, I started medication at around 17.

It's very possible that my emotional trauma (which I can't remember a lot of) has sort of frightened me away from intimacy. 
Then there's the medication, which regardless of what people say re: sexual attraction it does impact libido, which I think can make it harder to tell when you're sexually attracted to someone.

It is true that whenever I feel vaguely horny I find it easier to ignore rather than chase down, because attempting to masturbate results in my getting bored, losing focus and just stopping. Then I'm irritable because I've stopped halfway.
It's a mental thing. I just lose interest.

So now I'm kind of questioning myself and bleh.
This all came up because of my anxiety over dating and such. I think I should try going to gay bars, I wish there were gay cafes instead. Considering OKcupid just for meeting friends, not dating.

I, personally, don't like the idea that you have to have to have romantic contact to know if you're ace or not. For one, there are people out there that are sexual but aromantic. For two, there are many people out there that are straight, declare their straightness, and have never tried being intimate or at least romantic of someone of the same sex. Should we be questioning every straight person that has never kissed someone if the same gender? Lastly, I've asked a lot of people of different orientations their experiences, and gay kids often know they're gay way before they even are even old enough to be in a sexual relationship.

 

Well, I said the last one was last, but one more point. Many sexual people have it hard too. I know people in abusive households, people that were sexually assaulted at a young age, whose parents abandoned them, etc they turned out completely "normal" by society's standards. Actually, that's been the case in every example I've seen of these things. 

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Shio

That's true. I'm lucky in that I've never been sexually abused - it's just that my relationship with my dad was fairly fraught and it didn't provide a great look at long term relationships. 28 years of marriage and he went off the rails. I have some insecurities about whether that'll be me in a few years myself, as his mental issues run in the family - though I think I'll be fine, as I'm going to regular therapy and acknowledging my problems early in life. 

It's just hard to be certain when I've never had any real world experience and it's true that the asexuality label came as a relief, because it meant I was exempt from trying to figure any of that out. So it's hard to tell if that relief is because I've found a label that fits, or if it's a relief because it means I don't have to deal with deeper issues surrounding intimacy.

I think it's safe to say that regardless of reasons, I'm likely on the spectrum there. Most people talk about some sort of awakening during puberty where they noticed people in a different light than before, which simply didn't happen for me. 
I did have a romantic awakening. But it was more slow. It was just a gradual realisation that yes, I did love people very deeply and had a desire for a long term relationship with a single person - I want to build a life with someone, a house, a space just for us, that sort of thing.

But I waffle back and forth between 'sex is meh, get there when I get there' and 'nope, gross, no thanks.'
I think the latter is insecurity while the former is more true to myself. Maybe I'll enjoy it. But I don't think I'll ever need it. How could I? I'm hardly suffering for its lack seven years after puberty officially ended at eighteen.

Mum's larger point was that today's society, partly due to oversexualisation in TV and partly due to the ridiculous splitting of hairs in the queer community, is hyperfocused on every little detail. There's this idea that sexual attraction is seeing someone across a room and wanting them. Or that it'll flip on like a switch suddenly. Or that there's pressure for sex as soon as you start dating.
And I think that is at least somewhat accurate. 

 

I feel a little 'old fashioned' for wanting to just meet someone and fall in naturally, rather than expressly inviting people on dates.

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FaerieFate
13 hours ago, Shio said:

That's true. I'm lucky in that I've never been sexually abused - it's just that my relationship with my dad was fairly fraught and it didn't provide a great look at long term relationships. 28 years of marriage and he went off the rails. I have some insecurities about whether that'll be me in a few years myself, as his mental issues run in the family - though I think I'll be fine, as I'm going to regular therapy and acknowledging my problems early in life.

Oh, no. I wasn't trying to invalidate your life experience with "people have it way worse" I get that enough in my own life to know better than to say such nonsense. I was simply saying that your mom's logic is flawed, because by that logic there is a bunch of people out there with more serious experiences that should be ace but aren't. Which is why I have that list of what doesn't effect your sexuality. 

 

14 hours ago, Shio said:

It's just hard to be certain when I've never had any real world experience and it's true that the asexuality label came as a relief, because it meant I was exempt from trying to figure any of that out. So it's hard to tell if that relief is because I've found a label that fits, or if it's a relief because it means I don't have to deal with deeper issues surrounding intimacy.

I think it's safe to say that regardless of reasons, I'm likely on the spectrum there. Most people talk about some sort of awakening during puberty where they noticed people in a different light than before, which simply didn't happen for me. 
I did have a romantic awakening. But it was more slow. It was just a gradual realisation that yes, I did love people very deeply and had a desire for a long term relationship with a single person - I want to build a life with someone, a house, a space just for us, that sort of thing.

That's how I felt. Everyone had this awakening, and I felt like I was out of the loop. It wasn't until recently I felt an intense romantic and sensual attraction, but I didn't feel anything sexually that I was able to be like, "LOOK! I HAVE PROOF!"

 

14 hours ago, Shio said:

But I waffle back and forth between 'sex is meh, get there when I get there' and 'nope, gross, no thanks.'
I think the latter is insecurity while the former is more true to myself. Maybe I'll enjoy it. But I don't think I'll ever need it. How could I? I'm hardly suffering for its lack seven years after puberty officially ended at eighteen.

Mum's larger point was that today's society, partly due to oversexualisation in TV and partly due to the ridiculous splitting of hairs in the queer community, is hyperfocused on every little detail. There's this idea that sexual attraction is seeing someone across a room and wanting them. Or that it'll flip on like a switch suddenly. Or that there's pressure for sex as soon as you start dating.
And I think that is at least somewhat accurate. 

 

I feel a little 'old fashioned' for wanting to just meet someone and fall in naturally, rather than expressly inviting people on dates.

In today's society even dates are old fashioned. There's been guys I've liked and they liked me back, and they expected the relationship to go straight to the bedroom, no dates needed. Obviously it didn't work out well for them. 

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LavenderLotusWitch

Ever since i lost my virginity ive wondered if i was asexual, lesbian etc. I feel aesthetic attraction for any gender but i cant look at someone and think of them sexually , and if i can imagine it , i feel nothing. I masturbate but anytime ive tried to include people i was with at the time(what i thought i was supposed to do) it ruined it for me and i had to stop. The only times ive enjoyed sex wasnt because i was having a good time but because i knew i was pleasing my fiance.before him i wanted to have sex while i was going through puberty and i felt horny and could enjoy it but it still didnt include other people and it wore off very quickly. After puberty i made myself have sex because i figured that each time it would be different but it never was.   I enjoy doing it for my fiance. It makes me happy to please him like that but i dont feel much of anything at all. And honestly sometimes i get horny but as soon as things move past a light kiss my body shuts off and im completely out of the mood. Its just there.  People talk about how amazing sex is. I always felt like maybe because i watched porn that i set my standards too high and then the reality dissapointed me.  But then i realized that even if i do get horny , i would rather masturbate than have sex and just get it over with. I dont even feel the need to moan during sex tbh.  And i would say maybe im just into girls more but even when i ate someone out i didn't feel anything and wanted it to be over with.  Idk whats going on.  All i know is that ive never understood/enjoyed sex as much as everyone around me. I cant look at people and get that tingle because the only time i get it is when im alone and bored.  I feel like im asexual but my mind keeps rejecting it. Thinking well maybe ill enjoy it the more it happens or i forget and only realize "hey im not into this" as its already starting to happen and i feel too bad about leaving my fiance unsatisfied and hurting just because i started something/let something happen that i wasnt willing to continue. Please help me see past this clearly because ive been stuck in this what if haze for 4 years 

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