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Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality

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turtlebeach166

Hi! I’m questioning and think I might be asexual. I’m relatively young (15) and I’ve never experienced any sexual attraction to people. Growing up girls would always talk about crushes and I would always try to convince myself I had one and/ or would lie about having one. I’ve never felt like I fit into heterosexual, homosexual orientations and more. So I’ve been pretty confused. I went to an all girls school for middle school and feel as though that could’ve affected me (although it probably didn’t)  😕 I also have a condition (primary amenorrhea) so I feel alienated and like I’m not a real woman so trying to figure out if I’m asexual has been hard for me and I haven’t felt like I could fit in anywhere until I read up on a sexuality and the community, so yeah if you have any advice or comments please reply 👍🏼

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TheAP

@Alexxy Though we can't say for sure, it sounds like you could be asexual. Some asexuals do get aroused by things and are okay with the idea of having sex. It doesn't mean that something's wrong with you; there's nothing wrong with not being interested in sex.

 

@turtlebeach166 It also sounds like you could be asexual. If you feel the label helps you, feel free to identify as such, even if you're not completely sure. I'm sorry to hear you feel like you don't fit in. Maybe reading about the experiences of people on here and in other asexual and aromantic communities will help.

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Pluviophile of Moonglade

Hello there! I've spent a lot of time questioning my sexuality and after a while, I'm pretty sure that I'm asexual (romantic orientation pending) but I'm not completely sure. I've found that I like the idea of sex but I can never really imagine myself in that situation and enjoying it.

I find myself thinking that I would someday like to try sex, if only to satisfy my curiosity or even to see if I would actually like it or not in practice, even though I've never really felt any urge or desire to have sex and part of me doesn't see the appeal in it, and I'm not really sure what this means for my sexuality. Am I actually asexual, or does this mean I would fit more into a grey area of the spectrum or even land somewhere else entirely?

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TheAP
5 hours ago, Pluviophile of Moonglade said:

Hello there! I've spent a lot of time questioning my sexuality and after a while, I'm pretty sure that I'm asexual (romantic orientation pending) but I'm not completely sure. I've found that I like the idea of sex but I can never really imagine myself in that situation and enjoying it.

I find myself thinking that I would someday like to try sex, if only to satisfy my curiosity or even to see if I would actually like it or not in practice, even though I've never really felt any urge or desire to have sex and part of me doesn't see the appeal in it, and I'm not really sure what this means for my sexuality. Am I actually asexual, or does this mean I would fit more into a grey area of the spectrum or even land somewhere else entirely?

Yes, it sounds like you're asexual. Wanting to try sex for curiosity's sake doesn't mean you're not asexual, since you don't feel any inherent sexual desire for sexual pleasure.

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Pluviophile of Moonglade
6 hours ago, TheAP said:

Yes, it sounds like you're asexual. Wanting to try sex for curiosity's sake doesn't mean you're not asexual, since you don't feel any inherent sexual desire for sexual pleasure.

Thank you!

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ViolentYoshi

Would like to ask a question about this. Might be a little long, bear with me. I am questioning my sexuality and at 27. Always thought there was something wrong with me.  I masurbate several times a day, sometimes with fantasy, sometimes without. I have tried sex with both males and females, I am female. Even though I really desire to be in a relationship and with someone, I have no desire for sex. Saying that I would have sex if that person needed it. At the risk of sounding stupid, even though I have a very high libido does this mean I am asexual? 

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alibali
4 hours ago, ViolentYoshi said:

Would like to ask a question about this. Might be a little long, bear with me. I am questioning my sexuality and at 27. Always thought there was something wrong with me.  I masurbate several times a day, sometimes with fantasy, sometimes without. I have tried sex with both males and females, I am female. Even though I really desire to be in a relationship and with someone, I have no desire for sex. Saying that I would have sex if that person needed it. At the risk of sounding stupid, even though I have a very high libido does this mean I am asexual? 

I'm asexual. I used to masturbate but maybe once a week. I used to not want to have sex with whoever was in a relationship with...males (for 30 years) and I am female. Since realising I am asexual 2 years ago (then separated, now divorced), I haven't masturbated nor have I missed it.

 

Being sexual is about desire to have sex not about actually doing it in my opinion. 

 

But nothing is black and white. I don't know why I masturbated, but I still think I was as asexual then as I think I am now.

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TheAP
12 hours ago, ViolentYoshi said:

Would like to ask a question about this. Might be a little long, bear with me. I am questioning my sexuality and at 27. Always thought there was something wrong with me.  I masurbate several times a day, sometimes with fantasy, sometimes without. I have tried sex with both males and females, I am female. Even though I really desire to be in a relationship and with someone, I have no desire for sex. Saying that I would have sex if that person needed it. At the risk of sounding stupid, even though I have a very high libido does this mean I am asexual? 

Yes, you can be asexual. Asexuality is about sexual attraction to others, not sex drive.

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JohnSC
On ‎2018‎-‎08‎-‎15 at 11:35 PM, ViolentYoshi said:

Would like to ask a question about this. Might be a little long, bear with me. I am questioning my sexuality and at 27. Always thought there was something wrong with me.  I masurbate several times a day, sometimes with fantasy, sometimes without. I have tried sex with both males and females, I am female. Even though I really desire to be in a relationship and with someone, I have no desire for sex. Saying that I would have sex if that person needed it. At the risk of sounding stupid, even though I have a very high libido does this mean I am asexual? 

I tend to draw my distinction with the question "am I sexually attracted to strangers?" and the question "am I sexually attracted to those who I have an emotional bond with?"

 

In my beginning phase of questioning myself I concluded that I am not sexually attracted to anyone, but that was before I began to develop close emotional bonds with others.

 

Now also 27, and having had some little bit of close emotional relationships I feel I would like to be sexually attracted to my S.O.

 

On another note, Libido is something that fluctuates with age, therefore it would not be a helpful point in identifying.

 

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Alysa

I  think I am asexual. I am 30 and never actually have been in a relationship. I can count the time I have had sex in my entire life with one hand. I am a woman. I do feel interest for men and in the odd cases with women but I will say is more a emotional bond than sexual. I found this asexual terms and I can identify with them. My friends and family wondering why I don't make an effort to meet someone. The true is I want to date and meet someone that doesn't push me to sex. But how can I start looking? I am afraid that people will say "what? you don't like sex? whats wrong with you?".

I don't think sex if complete of the table as I say I have never been in a relationship so I believe if a make a connection a deeply meaningful connection I might enjoy sex

I am in Dublin I don't know where to meet asexual people can someone point it for me

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The Questing Q

Hey, I’m a questioning person. 

 

I’ve been reading a lot of different topics and threads and articles on this website and honestly, I don’t know whether I’m ace or not. 

 

I’m 21 and I never been in a relationship and I never had sex. I don’t think I ever desired a relationship, but I’m not sure. I used to think the reason why I’m not in any relationships was because I have a fear of men, but recently, after pushing myself to talk with more guys, I’m beginning to realise that’s not it. I do think I have an attraction to women, or at least womanly bits, but I’ve never experienced that attraction outside say a billboard or an idealised picture. Like it’s never been directed at a real person, I’ve never looked at someone irl and thought ‘I want to have sex with them’. And for that matter, I never had any celebrity crushes, but might just be because I’ve never really been into celebrities of any kind in general. Another thing I’ve lately beginning to know about myself is how little of an understanding I have on romance. Like, I know in theory how it all works from media but I’ve never felt it myself (least I think I haven’t).  But still, I don't know. Aromantic seems to fit but I’m wondering if I’m really aromantic, like maybe I’m just using the term to ward off relationships because I’m uncomfortable with that kind of intimacy? Same goes with asexual. I mean, I definitely feel something, I can't say I'm a true asexual? Or maybe I'm confusing sexual attraction with libido...I have no experience in any of this. I was reading an ace comic series, (because I just wanted to know whether anything about the author's experiences were relatable to me, I was pretty desperate for answers so anywhere I could glean even the slightest amount of info I went) and the panel where it explained greysexuals made me cry for some reason, so I figured there had to be something about that term resonated with me. 

 

TL;DR: I have some attraction to females/women but it's never been directed to a real person. Might possibly be confusing libido for sexual attraction. Never been in any relationships, never sought one out. Never thought someone was 'hot' in the way other people seem to think ppl are 'hot', or for that matter thought 'I want to have sex with this person'. I question whether I'm using aromantic and the asexual labels as an excuse not to get closer with people/go for that level of intimacy. Read a comic about aces and the explanation about greysexuals made me cry so that's got to mean something.  

 

So yeah, I’m a bit of a mess of questions right now. I don’t know what I am. Sometimes I feel I should have had these questions earlier but I didn’t really think about romance and love and stuff in high school. Whenever I heard people were dating, I was super weirded out. Like, I didn’t think about dating at all, it didn’t even cross my mind that 15 year olds date despite the influx of media I consumed telling me otherwise. But yeah, idk. I’m beginning to think Questioning is going to be my sexual and gender identity haha

Edited by Gh0stly
Kinda had a revelation that smut preference dont matter

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Rose.K

Hi, 

I hope you’re still active on this thread cause I could really use some advice on this subject. From what I’ve read, I feel I can label myself asexual, but I would to hear how others feel as well, just for comparison. I’m an 18 year old female and have never been in a relationship. I used to think it was just cause I wasn’t “cool enough”. But I’m now seeing someone who are in peak physical condition and like to show it. I’ve often felt like I consider this as “hot” but in reality I think I only thought that because I felt I had to, not because I felt it was true. This person has made me realise I don’t feel any sexual attraction and I can’t imagine myself engaging in any sexual activities - in fact, the thought is disgusting to me. I absolutely don’t mind taking about sex with my friends who do engage in it, and that they do doesn’t repulse me at all, but I have no desire to participate myself. I’ve been questioning my asexually fot some time now and I feel like I’m ready to label it. Maybe this is why I’ve never been in a relationship: I’ve blocked any oportunties subconsciously to avoid conflict over my sexuality.  I still want a sensual relationship, I just have no desire for an intimate one. Thoughts? 

Thanks for any words of advice or assent. 

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alibali

My personal view is it can be useful to identify with something, but I would also say that at 18 I would say never say never. That's the only danger of becoming fixed by one's identity. 

 

I am 50+ and have had numerous relationships but didn't have internet when I was young. I didn't identify as asexual till a few years ago. I now feel much more comfortable in my own skin but had lots of life experiences and the relationships....barring sex were all worthwhile in their way.  So it sounds like you might be asexual and it can help knowing that, but don't let it define or restrict you.

 

What I would say is be honest with anyone you may have a deeper relationship with about sex.  Honesty really is the best policy in relationships as well as life.

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TheAP

@Rose.K It sounds like you are asexual. Feel free to label yourself if it 

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RavenShadow

Hey

 

(sorry if this is the wrong place to post)

 

I have a question that has been driving me crazy. Is it possible to seem asexual but actually be suffering from mental illness? I have been struggling with mental illnesses all my life (I'm 25F) and the more I read into asexuality, the more confused I get. I have never been on a date, had sex or pleasured myself, and only once have I had like a sexual fantasy. I have really bad anxiety and depression though, and I'm wondering if I am just too scared and unexposed to these kind of things. I went to a small and very strict school and have always been shy. I also come from and still live in a bit of a chaotic household. I spend most of my time in my room playing video games and the only people I talk to are my parents and my therapist. Do I just need to get out more, and has the sexual part of me just not developed due to lack of socialization?

 

I don't see myself ever getting physically close with someone. The thought of sharing a bed with another person frightens and repulses me. I don't feel any different toward a man or woman. I have never considered marriage, instead when people ask I talk about how many dogs I want.

 

How does this come across? Am I just scared of people and physical relationships due to my mental health issues? Or does it sound like I am asexual?

 

(I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday, I just can't wait and needed to talk this out.)

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TheAP
21 minutes ago, RavenShadow said:

Is it possible to seem asexual but actually be suffering from mental illness?

It's possible, but not necessarily. If you think you are asexual, feel free to identify as such, even if you're not completely sure.

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RavenShadow
8 minutes ago, TheAP said:

It's possible, but not necessarily. If you think you are asexual, feel free to identify as such, even if you're not completely sure.

Thanks. Maybe I'm just over thinking this and making it complicated.

 

I think i'm anxious and asexual. Cool.

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Bambi_

Hello!

I have a few questions, I’ve pondered a few times in the past 2 years or so if I may be asexual but never given it much thought. For starters, I’m 24, cisfemale(I think I used this correctly) and I am heterosexual(attracted to men). This is going to be a long one as I don’t know where else to turn and I’m desperate for some help on figuring this out :( This is my scenario(it’s long as I describe myself and then give you an example of a situation with a guy/partner and how it goes, and how I feel about it sexually and non sexually and discuss the sexual part sort of step by step during an encounter but not explicitly just vaguely but I do describe what Im thinking during making out, etc and also long because I describe myself and certain feelings or things I’ve read that the into what I can feel like aesthetic attraction vs sexual attraction. Ok so here’s where my things and questions start:

 

I see a guy and I can think he’s attractive(I think it’s called aesthetic attraction) and say “wow he’s hot” as in pleasing to my eyes but that’s it there’s no meaning behind it such as because he’s hot I’d like to have sex with him.. whereas my friends when they say someone’s hot it means they want to have sex and that if I think someone’s hot then I have to want them sexually(but I don’t I just think they’re attractive). I do experience romantic attraction(but I usually have to be attracted to their appearance- again not sexually just think that they look good) as I have had a few boyfriends in my past. 

 

However, I don’t feel the desire to have sex with them or anyone, of course I do have sex and take part in sex as I know it’ll keep my partners happy, satisfy them,(and also does make me feel close to them intimately) etc but I don’t participate because I feel the need/urge or desire beforehand or I was feeling horny and made the first move or was horny in the first place. I am able to orgasm and know that it feels good but I do not ever “crave” to have sex again even though I know that having sex and orgasming will feel good. The sex will usually just happen the next time my partner wants and I agree(which isn’t very often that I agree maybe 1/5 times that they ask or want to have sex so perhaps once a week or two).

I don’t masturbate as I don’t have the desire to(I’m 24 now) but I did masturbate for a few years when I was younger 14-16(raging hormones? being bored and it feeling good?) but I never did it to porn it was just doing it for the feeling of orgasming even if sometimes(most of the time) I wasn’t horny prior to doing it as I’d just do it to feel good, lol. It’s been quite a few years where I stopped masturbating like when I was young(probably slowed down around 17-18) I have done it probably 5 times in the past year. 

I’m trying to think of anything else that may help. 

 

But ya, so I’ve been confused because beforehand i thought of sexual attraction as just meaning they’re attractive(I thought aesthetic and sexual attraction was essentially the same) and I would say ok I do feel that type of attraction but if your asexual it says you wouldn’t.. however I just read on this site that there’s sexual and aesthetic attraction. And i realize now that what i thought was sexual is actually me just being aesthetically attracted. 

 

What is weird though and i don’t know if that means I am asexual or not or in just a slut haha but i can get horny at some point with a new person and have the desire to have sex(not all the time but it does happen) and let’s say we’re making out I can feel a tingle in my vagina if the making out becomes “hotter” but it didn’t start off with me wanting it it just happens as we start making out or starts touching me which I assume is because my body will of course respond in certain ways to certain things. 

 So basically for example:

I meet someone for the first time on vacation at the pool and I think to myself wow he’s hot! but no thoughts of I’d like to have sex with him because he’s hot or any sexual thing just the “platonic”(if I can call calling someone hot platonic?) “he’s hot”. We chat and have a drink or whatever and then part ways for dinner. At night I’m with friends I’ve met at the resort we go to the nightclub and have a few drinks, the guy I met earlier shows up with his brother, he approaches me, we have a few drinks, chat and dance. 2am nightclub closes - my new friends, the guy and his brother and I all leave, we go grab something to eat at the 24H restaurant. Then everyone leaves except for my friend and her bf and the guy and I we decide to go swimming pool and then sit on the chairs at the beach, We’re all chatting (at some point in this story for this guy I think oh I wouldn’t mind having sex even if I’m not horny or thinking of it too sexually just because it feels good and the closeness and intimacy is nice BUT this same kind of scenario can happen with another guy which for me is most guys and the exact feelings and everything happening and he can be the most gorgeous 10/10 etc BUT at no point would I think of that of having sex?) the couple leaves and the guy and I stay we chat and he starts making out with me, I go along because, hey what the hell hes hot(but I’m not horny and it’s not really sexual to me at this point even though for him it probably is but for me it’s more so if feels nice intimate and he’s hot so whatever- there’s no though of me thinking I want this to move to sex at the point of making out. But then He grabs my boob and whatnot and goes lower and then I start to get the “tingle” in my vagina(and I’ll get wet) indicating I’m now turned on and “feel horny”(i guess). long story short, we end up having sex and he stimulates me and it feels good and then I orgasm etc.. I may get the tingle feeling once or twice more at the same points but after that after a certain point there becomes no more tingle even if I’m interested in them, think they’re hot and the sex is “good” and I orgasm. 

 

The fact that at some point during the night I had the thought of “i wouldn’t mind fucking him” even if I wasn’t horny or thinking too sexually about it (I know kind of weird and odd to say if I’m saying i wouldn’t mind fucking him lol but I’m not thinking too sexually about it idk how to explain it or if this makes sense). Does that mean I can’t be asexual? Mind you that that thinking of “I wouldn’t mind having sex” it doesn’t happen with everyone and with the few people it does happen with.. What then happens is I may get the tingle feeling once or twice more and then get wet(because I’ll get the tingly feeling and I get horny)at the same points(say at the point of making out) but after that after a certain amount of times with that person like 3 times or 4 there becomes no more tingle(horny and then wet) even if I’m interested in them, think they’re hot and the sex is “good” and he stimulates me and it feels good and orgasm. Basically, after the 2-4 times of having sex(it’s not back to back .. it’s say every few days or so) there’s no longer a tingling feeling at any point during anything.. it’ll just go from making out to playing with me and I’m not turned on or horny(and don’t get wet, because I’m not horny) but he stimulates me and it’ll feel good at some point and then an orgasm happens but there’s no horniness(or getting wet) at any point even while it’s feeling good(lol).. it’s almost as if I lose interest in the person in a way even if I still find my boyfriend super hot and what not and love him but he just can’t get me horny and I can’t put myself into being horny even while being stimulated  no matter what we try like vibrators or new things(and I’m not stressed or anxious I’m relaxed so it’s not me being stressed about it that makes it not happen lol or overthinking myself and that causes me to not be able to get horny as I know that can happen and is a factor for why some women find it harder to orgasm or can’t get horny) and even if I orgasm from it feeling good(like the feeling good and the tingling are different for me as the tingling is me being horny but the feeling good is my body reacting to a stimulus[which I think that would happen to anyone regardless??] if this makes sense) I don’t lose interest in the guy or boyfriend because I still love them and think they’re hot but that horny part stops(maybe I’m a slut haha and only get horny with new people?? Haha :P but it wouldn’t  make sense because even with new people it won’t happen even if im 100% attracted to him and he’s the perfect person for me and my ideal/perfect guy and everything is there connection, romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, etc it may not happen ) I don’t know lol.. I think it may be I’m asexual because of the horny part even if it doesn’t happen with every hot person I meet(as I can meet one be just as attracted aesthetically and make out and have sex all without ever getting horny like I do with a certain few in my life and the other things I’ve menrioned above) or if I’m not fully asexual that I may at least be somewhere on the “spectrum” if that makes sense. 

 

I’m sorry this was so long.. but it’s been a while that I have wanted to get this off my chest and when I do tell someone(people Ive known for a bit and not just random people lol!) that I think I may be asexual because of this they always judge me or say stupid/rude things like on the “asexual bingo cards”(even if they say they don’t mean it rudely or badly it still sucks) and because of all the things I said I’ve always been unsure of being asexual, even if a lot of the things Ive read about asexuals fit me but a few things I’m uncertain as some things I read can be very black and white and no “gray” areas. My friends think I’m “crazy” for not wanting sex and how I can go so long without thinking about it or wanting it as I’ve often when not in a relationship gone the whole time(sometimes it’s even been close to a year) I was single without sex until I found a boyfriend. I don’t see the appeal and don’t get why people or my friends are “crazy” over sex and wanting to have sex whenever they can. I have often told friends and boyfriends when they say how I can go so long not wanting it etc, they get surprised when I say, honestly I could probably/most likely go the rest of my life without sex and I’d be fine and when I say that my friends freak out haha and so do boyfriends, so I usually don’t tell boyfriends as they then don’t want to have sex with me as they think they’re forcing me even though I don’t have the desire and could go without it in a relationship and in my life they’re not necessarily “forcing me” as it also makes me happy to do it every few weeks as I know it makes them happy and that making them go without sex and go without it is also just as not fair to them as it’s not fair to make me have sex every day or two so I compromise as happy relationships always include compromises with many things. And I don’t feel forced when I do have sex and if I really don’t want to on a particular day for whatever reason then I don’t and they don’t push it(so it’s never against my consent). And it’s easier to not tell them that I could probably go years and the rest of my life because they tend to think that it’s because of them or something wrong with them or that they can’t please me(especially because I won’t get wet as I won’t be horny but can orgasm) even if I’ll orgasm every time we have sex! Lol. So ya, I don’t get why people go so crazy or say they want it often and the appeal of it etc, I get jealous and upset sometimes because I wish I was “normal” like them(not saying asexuals aren’t normal but just saying that it’s not as common so it’s not the “norm” and because of that it makes it hard to connect with friends about it or elk them about it etc as they use to expect me to have sex with someone on a first date or 3rd and would be waiting and expecting a story from me.. as it was the norm for them to tell our froup of friends what happened as everyone would be like SOO what happened?? To them and they’d spill the beans.. with me they’ve come to realize I don’t do that usually so they don’t expect a story or gossip and so don’t ask and think of me as a “nun” haha or the prude of the group in a jokingly way. And I’m jealous and mad sometimes because i wish I could understand them and be like them and be like the majority of the world :(  Anyways.. 

Sorry if I’m not asexual and i wastes your time didn’t know where else to turn go and I figure that if maybe I’m not you may know something or help point me in another direction(as you seem very knowledgeable and also a lot of people on this site may see this and also know) & you think that I may perhaps be something else or benefit from reading up on another type of sexuality or something I would love to hear it as I’m desperate :(

 

Thank you so much for your help and time and I’m so sorry for the long read! 

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TheAP

@Bambi_ If you only rarely feel the desire to have sex with someone, you could be grey-asexual. Or the "tingle" could just be arousal without really being sexually attracted to the person.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
On 4/17/2016 at 9:59 PM, FaerieFate said:

What doesn't affect your (a)sexuality

This is just a short list of what doesn't affect your asexuality. For more, please click here and here.

  1. Whether or not you're sex repulsed, sex positive, and/or sex neutral
  2. Whether or not you masturbate
  3. How often you may masturbate
  4. Whether or not you consume pornography
  5. Whether or not you consume in or create erotic pieces of work
  6. Whether or not you've had sex in the past
  7. Whether or not you are sexually active
  8. Your sex drive/libido
  9. If you have kinks or fetishes
  10. Your gender identity/expression
  11. whether you take hormonal therapy or have undergone sexual reassignment surgery
  12. Whether or not you have fantasies
  13. Whether you experience sensual, romantic, or aestetic attraction
  14. Mental or Physical disorders
  15. Any medications you may take or have taken
  16. Whether or not you've been abused

I’m trying to understand if I myself am an asexual and I’m still a little confused about this.

If I’m asexual and have kinks, how does that work? That’s one of the factors that have made me feel as though I’m not really asexual (of any variety since I’ve recently learned that gray and demi are kind of types of asexuallity). Sometimes my libido spikes as well and I feel like “fixing” it but at the same time I don’t?  I dont know of this makes sense, and if I’m just being confusing, I apologize.

Im new to this community and I really just want to understand it,  so if insay anything wrong, please correct me so I can learn. Thank you for the help

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FaerieFate
32 minutes ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

I’m trying to understand if I myself am an asexual and I’m still a little confused about this.

If I’m asexual and have kinks, how does that work? That’s one of the factors that have made me feel as though I’m not really asexual (of any variety since I’ve recently learned that gray and demi are kind of types of asexuallity). Sometimes my libido spikes as well and I feel like “fixing” it but at the same time I don’t?  I dont know of this makes sense, and if I’m just being confusing, I apologize.

Im new to this community and I really just want to understand it,  so if insay anything wrong, please correct me so I can learn. Thank you for the help

 

Well, the difference between a sexual that has kinks and a libido and an asexual that has kinks and a libido is really the fact that an asexual it's not really focused on anyone. For instance, I have a high libido and kinks myself. But when my libido spikes I don't really focus on wanting to go out and have sex with someone. Also ,the idea of having sex with someone never making my libido spikes. I just want to get off, enjoy the pleasure. That doesn't mean an asexual can't do this with a partner, it just means that the idea of having sex with the partner isn't what cause the libido to spike.

 

To put this in easier to understand terms, think about guys. Sometimes they get hard thinking about an attractive person, and sometimes they get hard for no reason. A spike in libido for an asexual would be more similar to getting hard for no reason. Whereas for a sexual it could be either ( and the idea of doing it with someone definitely makes it stronger).

 

Hope that makes sense. Don't worry about being wrong, we're all just trying ot learn about asexuality, and even the most knowledgeable look back at their old posts and cringe at what they said years ago. 

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ConfusedAboutMyself
6 minutes ago, FaerieFate said:

 

Well, the difference between a sexual that has kinks and a libido and an asexual that has kinks and a libido is really the fact that an asexual it's not really focused on anyone. For instance, I have a high libido and kinks myself. But when my libido spikes I don't really focus on wanting to go out and have sex with someone. Also ,the idea of having sex with someone never making my libido spikes. I just want to get off, enjoy the pleasure. That doesn't mean an asexual can't do this with a partner, it just means that the idea of having sex with the partner isn't what cause the libido to spike.

 

To put this in easier to understand terms, think about guys. Sometimes they get hard thinking about an attractive person, and sometimes they get hard for no reason. A spike in libido for an asexual would be more similar to getting hard for no reason. Whereas for a sexual it could be either ( and the idea of doing it with someone definitely makes it stronger).

 

Hope that makes sense. Don't worry about being wrong, we're all just trying ot learn about asexuality, and even the most knowledgeable look back at their old posts and cringe at what they said years ago. 

So my body can still react to stuff and I can “get a random boner” but still be on the ace spectrum? 

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FaerieFate
7 minutes ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

So my body can still react to stuff and I can “get a random boner” but still be on the ace spectrum? 

There are two definitions of asexuality:

 

1) Lack of sexual attraction

2) Lack of desire of partnered sex

 

You do not need sexual attraction to get turned on, and you do not need to desire partnered sex to get turned on. Libido simply is a functionality in your body that encourages a very specific form of pleasure, but it does not necessarily mean you desire sex with someone, and is not necessarily always directed at someone. Now most asexuals don't have a libido or kinks. Many people compensate for having a libido by calling themselves gray or demi. But, ultimately, you have to use your own judgement with this one.

 

I just know that I don't desire sex with anyone (I really quite dislike the idea, personally), and I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. Do I have a libido? Yes? Doesn't mean I want anyone else involved in my sex life. It's just me, myself, and I.

 

Now, just because that's my experience doesn't mean asexuals don't have partnered sex. There's plenty of reasons to have partnered sex. It's just they don't feel the need for it in the same way sexuals do.

 

I think I go off on a list of reasons why an asexual would have partnered sex somewhere, but ultimately, the question is, "Would you be perfectly fine never having sex ever again? If the answer is yes, you're probably asexual. If the answer is no, you're probably not asexual.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
1 minute ago, FaerieFate said:

There are two definitions of asexuality:

 

1) Lack of sexual attraction

2) Lack of desire of partnered sex

 

You do not need sexual attraction to get turned on, and you do not need to desire partnered sex to get turned on. Libido simply is a functionality in your body that encourages a very specific form of pleasure, but it does not necessarily mean you desire sex with someone, and is not necessarily always directed at someone. Now most asexuals don't have a libido or kinks. Many people compensate for having a libido by calling themselves gray or demi. But, ultimately, you have to use your own judgement with this one.

 

I just know that I don't desire sex with anyone (I really quite dislike the idea, personally), and I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. Do I have a libido? Yes? Doesn't mean I want anyone else involved in my sex life. It's just me, myself, and I.

 

Now, just because that's my experience doesn't mean asexuals don't have partnered sex. There's plenty of reasons to have partnered sex. It's just they don't feel the need for it in the same way sexuals do.

 

I think I go off on a list of reasons why an asexual would have partnered sex somewhere, but ultimately, the question is, "Would you be perfectly fine never having sex ever again? If the answer is yes, you're probably asexual. If the answer is no, you're probably not asexual.

I think I’m demi because I could honestly probably never have sex again and be ok. But I liked the closeness it brought with my past partner bc I felt like I knew him better afterwards and that it strengthened our relationship (not bc of the sex but bc of the connected feeling we shared afterwards) 

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FaerieFate
5 minutes ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

I think I’m demi because I could honestly probably never have sex again and be ok. But I liked the closeness it brought with my past partner bc I felt like I knew him better afterwards and that it strengthened our relationship (not bc of the sex but bc of the connected feeling we shared afterwards) 

glad to help where I could :)

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pinienbaum

Hi! I am female, 21 years old and I think I am asexual. I had sex once, I was drunk and forced myself to do it because I thought I should try it once, but I felt so broken afterwards. I masturbate, but I don't think about sex while doing it. I don't fantasise about having sex, but about being kissed and hugged and sometimes I like it in real life but after some time, when it leads to more, I get afraid or nauseated. The problem is, I really don't want to be asexual. I cry every time I think about it. Even right now I am crying. I feel like, I can't people get closer to me than I can right now. So there is nothing new and exiting waiting in the future. I want to be adventurous and make a lot of experiences but I'll never have the experience of having sex and that makes me really sad. I keep thinking, that maybe I could get used to sex or that one day I'd fall in love and everything would be different and I don't know if I have to give up this hope.

Has someone made similar experiences?

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ConfusedAboutMyself
5 hours ago, pinienbaum said:

Hi! I am female, 21 years old and I think I am asexual. I had sex once, I was drunk and forced myself to do it because I thought I should try it once, but I felt so broken afterwards. I masturbate, but I don't think about sex while doing it. I don't fantasise about having sex, but about being kissed and hugged and sometimes I like it in real life but after some time, when it leads to more, I get afraid or nauseated. The problem is, I really don't want to be asexual. I cry every time I think about it. Even right now I am crying. I feel like, I can't people get closer to me than I can right now. So there is nothing new and exiting waiting in the future. I want to be adventurous and make a lot of experiences but I'll never have the experience of having sex and that makes me really sad. I keep thinking, that maybe I could get used to sex or that one day I'd fall in love and everything would be different and I don't know if I have to give up this hope.

Has someone made similar experiences?

I’ve been in a similar situation before when I would get close to having sex and felt weird/gross about it. I also don’t think about sex whenever I (rarely) masturbate. 

Im sorry that you’re feeling upset and down about this, but it might be that that one sexual encounter was just bad bc you said you felt like you force yourself to do it.

Maybe you’re a demisexual and just don’t know it yet? They need a deeper bond to feel like having sex so maybe you just haven’t felt that bond yet. I’m personally starting to accept that part of myself although I do feel....weird thinking about it since it’s so new to me so I understand a little bit of what you’re feeling 

I hope you feel better soon and understand that we’re here for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Pygmalion

Hi! I am questioning my sexuality as well. I try to explain why in detail. Can someone relate to that or has similar experiences? 

 

 

I am a 20 years old transguy. So far I thought I was gay and I'm in a homosexual relationship since two years. I am afraid I might be asexual and aromantic.

 

I have only been "inlove" once in my life. I was like 11-13 and had a crush on my best friend. I had that prickle in my stomach and thought about him all the time. I also had a few sexual fantasies about him. But I guess he was a really late bloomer and he never showed interest in anyone, so my feelings just faded after two or three years. That was the last time I had such feelings for a real person.

Until I was 15 I had some silly crushes on several celebrities, but I guess that isn't any different than loving a fictional person. Since puberty made me feel uncomfortable about my female body and social expectations I avoided contact to others pretty much and was fine with that. I had no interest in the boys and girls I knew.  I started to run away from reality, did a lot roleplaygames online and kind of fell in love with a fictional character of mine when I was 16. He is still on my mind every day... I became very depressive as well.

 

About that time I also realised I don't want to be a girl because I'm not. I came out, changed school and started all new introducing myself as a boy. Luckily I already looked very masculine from just wearing other clothes so I passed and was incredibly happy to be seen as male. Sadly my family didn't do so, so I still had a hard time at home. Now that I could be who I am I also gained interest in social contact and found some friends who I really liked for the first time.

There was one who was trans too and I kind of tried to love him. I really liked him and wanted him to be mine, protect him, cuddle and stuff, but I did not feel for him like I felt for my fictional character. I really tried a lot to fall in love and I guess I kind of talked my self into believing I was in love. Because I never was sure about it, I never tried to fight for his love. It would be really mean to flirt and make him love me and then tell him: "oooops sorry, I was wrong, I actually don't love you at all." right? I didn't wish to have sex with him. I do and always did masturbate daily, but I keep thinking about fictional things.

A year later then the same thing happend again. There was another transguy and he was my first kiss. Spittle acutally doesn't disgust me that much, but kissing always made me cringe a long time and felt uncomfortable. I thought that wasn't normal and again tried hard to like it. I didn't come together with him either, same reason. He wanted to be loved truly, so he "left me". After that I felt a bit inlove/lovesick, but I guess it's just that people only want what they cant have.

 

Then I started dating when I was 17 or 18.  I registered on a gay dating site and met some guys. I had fun to plan trips with my dates and talk and stuff, but I had no desire to kiss one of them and didn't do so. I was searching for "The one" that finally makes me fall in love. I was so confused that I couldn't. I felt so much love, attraction and sexual desire for the fictional character in my fantasies, why can't I feel that for someone real? I wished so much to do all the wonderfull things with someone in reality, so have someone by my side, to find out what sex is like, to satisfy someone I feel close to an make him happy.

 

I was sure that I could not fall in love or desire sex with someone because of my transsexuality. I thought that I lost contact with my body so much, I unlearnt how to feel such things. I also have been very distant in general. I had problems to concentrate on reality and did not feel much outside my fantasy, so my explanation made sense to me and my therapists.

 

 

I already gave up on that and didn't think about that so much anymore, when one day this one guy contacted me on the dating site I was registred. He really wanted to get to know me, so we dated, skyped the whole day for weeks and I visited him. We could talk really well, had so many same interests and he felt familiar to me, not so strange and distant as the other guys I dated, so I gave it a chance. I was surprised how much I trust him mentally and physically. It felt like we know each other for ages. I never thought I could have sex on a first date but... well I had (anal of course). It felt kind of meaningless, and did not pleasure me at all, but I just thought about how I didn't feel so dysphoric at all. He told me then that he is falling in love with me and asked me to be his boyfriend.

Did I love him at that point? I don't think so. I still did not feel in love or attracted to him. I enjoyed to hug him and to have a beautiful time with him. I convinced myself that the trust I feel for him was a "deeper form of love" and promised my self to fall in love with him over time (???). So I said yes. I wasn't sure if I love him, but I was sure that I want to be together with him.

 

Everything was fine and after a few month we even moved together. I still did not fall in love, but I still am very happy to have him. He is a wonderful person, loves me so much and never doubt my masculinity. So much weight fell of my shoulders when I finally left my family. My boyfriends family and friends don't even know I'm trans and I can finally be normal.

The depression got better. Although things got so much better, I still had no crush on him and did not desire sex. I thought it's because of my dysphoria and because I have no dick to fuck him anyway. Also I hoped my low libido would rise as soon as I start with Testosteron. Many transguys report how horny they suddenly got when they got on T. So I got Testosteron. I was very happy, my dysphoria even vanished pretty much. But no libido came and no sex drive :(

 

Now another year has passed. I feel closer and closer to him, but there is still no romance or sexual attraction. We had sex frequently in the beginning, until I noticed that I don't have the fun other people have. Now I mostly just pleasure him, but also that took some time not to feel strange to me.

I really try to be romantic for him. He does not expect it from me, but it makes him happy and likes that. Sometimes I love to see his happy eyes when I bought some roses on my way home or something. Did I persuade myself into feeling so again? Or is that the yearned glimmer of hope that I'm not aromantic

I had a phase where I was really unhappy about our (not really existing) sexual life. I thought that it's because he doesn't want to be passive/bottom/submissive. And because I fantasise about cute, feminine and weak men. Maybe I'm only attracted to men that are 100% my type?

Then I tried to forget sex. Why wish for something I can't have anyways? I have no dick, no sex drive and no partner who wants to be penetrated by me. The though hurts, that I might never have what I enjoy in my fantasy, but life is hard, so just don't think about it. That was okay for me.

- but not for my boyfriend. He can't and doesn't want to give up his sexuality in such a young age and it hurts him a lot that I refused any sexual interaction for some time.

 

So here I am know. Afraid that I'm just not able to have romantic or sexual feelings for real man.

I need to know if I am aromantic and/or asexual. It's not about the lable... I obviously have enough lables. But I need to know if I should give up on sex or if there is still a chance to fight for those things...

 

I don't want do be asexual/aromantic! good that it's nothing bad for you guys, but I want to have what I got to know in my fantasy!

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S Dub

After many years of denial, I finally "looked into" what being asexual meant. I'm newly married & petrified that my marriage to a hypersexual man is doomed. I'm feeling somewhat empowered having accepted that I'm not broken... but petrified of what it might mean for my future. My husband & I were engaged for 6 years before getting married this past summer. Our lack of sexual activity has been a constant fight but we have a bond that's held us together, somehow. And now a 20 month old son. 

We've had open discussions & I can't explain my "low libido" as we called it, so he feels it's a direct reflection of my love and/or attraction to him. He honestly believes I'm not in love with him anymore, he can't comprehend that I love him & want a life with him, but have no interest in sex. Sex feels like a chore & that deeply hurts my husband, making me feel like somethings wrong with me. I hear people talk about being horny & turned on, and wonder why I don't get that way.  I WANT to want sex, but I just don't. Its like a weight has been lifted, feeling like I found an explanation, maybe we can possibly find a solution. At the same time, its terrifying. Being married to a hypersexual, can I ever fully satisfy my husband? I try to "put out more" but he can tell my heart isn't into the action so it's like "f-ing a doll" & he ultimately doesn't feel fulfilled from the act. Is our marriage doomed?? Anyone find a successful sexual/ace relationship?

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MichaelTannock

@S Dub Welcome to AVEN!

 

There are successful relationships between Sexuals and Asexuals, but they're more difficult than relationships between two Sexuals or two Asexuals.
Have you told your husband that you're Ace?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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