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Wifeinbc

After 3 years, feel wife must be asexual

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Wifeinbc

I've been with my partner for three years. I now know that the desire she displayed in the beginning was faked. I'm in love with her, but am only just able to get her to talk about reality. We each want to stay together, but a lack of desire from her us really getting me down . We started to see a counsellor and I finally got up the courage to say my feelings straight out, as there had been no follow through on her part in first 4 sessions....so she has agreed to see her on her own, but is not being honest with her yet about what happened to her in her childhood. We talked about the importance of being real, but I feel it's a pattern she has lived for so long it's habitual that it's almost lip service. I'm at the end of my hope. We are in our 50s. Does anyone think it will change?

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Lz_erk

Some people are totally 100% asexual. I believe this because I think I've seen them here, and I have no cause to annoy them with my trifles about my own ambiguous sexuality... but I can say from personal experience that change has been personal and gradual for me, despite how commonplace it is in my case. Putting up the kinds of responses and emotions expected in relationships has been a challenge [and that says as little as possible about performance].

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Angel Gray

Sounds to me like you're upset you're not getting any.

I know that was crass and mean, but it's the way what you said comes across.

If you really love her, encourage her to be open with herself and the counselor. Tell her that you'll love her no matter what happens. Encourage her and be there for her. Otherwise, end things. How you feel for her and for your relationship with her shouldn't be so easily affected by sex. If it is, it's hard to believe your feelings are sincere. Now, I'm making assumptions, but this is how I took what you said. I do wish you the best of luck, nonetheless.

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oval

Is your wife a member of AVEN yet? could be nice for her to say a little something about how she feels in her own words?

Communication between you and her is of course the most productive thing, as you already know.

It's difficult for me/us to comment until you/she provide more background information and so forth.

More later?

All the best.

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Confusion 0

Sounds to me like you're upset you're not getting any.

I know that was crass and mean, but it's the way what you said comes across.

If you really love her, encourage her to be open with herself and the counselor. Tell her that you'll love her no matter what happens. Encourage her and be there for her. Otherwise, end things. How you feel for her and for your relationship with her shouldn't be so easily affected by sex. If it is, it's hard to believe your feelings are sincere. Now, I'm making assumptions, but this is how I took what you said. I do wish you the best of luck, nonetheless.

I don't think this is very helpful. You're seeing it from your own view of sex being unimportant. But for most people, sex is necessary for a stable relationship.

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Nashira

I hear that as you age it's normal to lose sexual desire? Maybe it's just the case that she became asexual over the years. She also probably doesn't feel confortable yet about opening herself up, which can be pretty normal for introverts. I think you should just give it some more time and not lose hope, maybe with more therapy seesions things can get better.

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Thrasymachus

In general people lose sexual desire as they age and as relationships get on in time, couples lose interest in each other. That said you are likely fighting a losing battle if you think you can change a 50 something year old partner with a counselor or whatever. I have been to all sorts of mental health professionals and the only pattern I noticed in treatment was random talking with no discernible methodology.

You have to decide how much sex matters to you at your age. If it matters alot you are perhaps better off cutting your loses now before you get even more emotionally invested and also frustrated. If it does not matter to you, you can continue with this sexless or almost sexless marriage. But expecting to change a 50+ year old with ossified behavior patterns with no desire to change or open up is sure a losing proposition. You may as well quit now if that is your unrealistic expectation. Reality is not like television or movies, most people have no desire for significant change and most people tend to lose sexual desire and fall out of love as they age.

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Sally

It is not generally true that people lose their sexual feeling or their interest in each other as they age, or the relationship ages. That's pretty much a stereotype.

But if your partner has never felt any desire for sex with another person, that's not likely to change -- and that's not due to her age, but to the fact that she may indeed be asexual. If that's the case, counseling will not have any effect, except to possibly make her feel guilty.

And if that is the case, you should decide whether you can accept that she is who she is, and that you are who you are, and that you two are quite dissimilar as far as sex is concerned.

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Lady Ghoul

I agree with Sally. I think ultimately it will be something the two of you will have to accept. Accept that it's something you feel differently about, and decide if and how to live with it...or perhaps go your separate ways. It's hard to realize there aren't many choices, but facing it is better than pretending everything's okay when it's not.

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kelico

Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for joining. : ) It sounds like things have been difficult for both you and your wife. In the end, you can't change someone, but you can certainly continue to love them and try to work on the best solution. I don't have any specific advice as I have no experience in this...but have you checked out the SPFA (for sexual partners, friends, and allies) section of the forum yet? I highly suggest it. You'll find others that can relate to you that have been in similar situations. Best wishes!

37971-Chocolate-Candies.jpg

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HeidiUK

Hugs and :cake:

How do you think your wife faked it? Is it not possible that the 'newness' of things made her more likely to desire what she doesn't now?

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HeidiUK

Thank you!

Also in this case, the wife's libido is in question and not the man's.

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Angel Gray

Sounds to me like you're upset you're not getting any.

I know that was crass and mean, but it's the way what you said comes across.

If you really love her, encourage her to be open with herself and the counselor. Tell her that you'll love her no matter what happens. Encourage her and be there for her. Otherwise, end things. How you feel for her and for your relationship with her shouldn't be so easily affected by sex. If it is, it's hard to believe your feelings are sincere. Now, I'm making assumptions, but this is how I took what you said. I do wish you the best of luck, nonetheless.

I don't think this is very helpful. You're seeing it from your own view of sex being unimportant. But for most people, sex is necessary for a stable relationship.

Re-read the last part. "If you really love her, encourage her to be open with herself and the counselor. Tell her that you'll love her no matter what happens. Encourage her and be there for her. Otherwise, end things." I'm telling OP to be encouraging. That's the only way she'll open up to anyone about how she feels. Encouragement instead of pressure or, at times, worse, apathy, works well at getting people to open up.

Yes, I see sex as unimportant, but I'm looking at it from both perspectives here. If sex is important to him and she doesn't want it, they either need to make some concessions or split. Without properly reconciling the sexual needs and desires of both partners in a mutually acceptable manner, any relationship will be doomed to fail. If she's not actually asexual, but external forces lowered her sex drive, they need to make concessions as a result of that too. If it was two sexuals who were very sexual, then go for it... have all the coitus you two want. If both are asexual or no sex drive, then great also. Don't have sex if you don't want it.

My personal opinion doesn't weigh into my advice. It only weighs into how I choose to justify my advice. I called it as it was shown from what the OP said. The only reason this is a post and not a PM is because I elaborated something that is an obviously simple concept. If someone doesn't want sex, then they don't have to be made to have it. If the partner isn't okay with that, then the partner either needs to work out some arrangement with the one who is sex-apathetic/repulsed or end things.

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HeidiUK
If sex is important to him and she doesn't want it, they either need to make some concessions or split.

I have to agree. As I said in another thread (about coming out as ace, so not related) you have to be ready, willing and open to listen. This is not going to be something you can resolve in a day.

You're going to have to both be willing to talk and work over an extended period.

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Sally

If sex is important to him and she doesn't want it, they either need to make some concessions or split.

I have to agree. As I said in another thread (about coming out as ace, so not related) you have to be ready, willing and open to listen. This is not going to be something you can resolve in a day.

You're going to have to both be willing to talk and work over an extended period.

Talking only goes so far, and frankly, it doesn't go very far. Compromise in sex means changing what is done (or not done). If one person wants it and the other person doesn't want it, talking won't help.

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HeidiUK

I'm sorry, but I can't agree there. I'm all for talking. :)

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Telecaster68

If sex is important to him and she doesn't want it, they either need to make some concessions or split.

I have to agree. As I said in another thread (about coming out as ace, so not related) you have to be ready, willing and open to listen. This is not going to be something you can resolve in a day.

You're going to have to both be willing to talk and work over an extended period.

Talking only goes so far, and frankly, it doesn't go very far. Compromise in sex means changing what is done (or not done). If one person wants it and the other person doesn't want it, talking won't help.

But talk might establish what each side is happy to actually do. It's not just about pouring out feelings.

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HeidiUK

It could (and i use that word carefully) mean that one side who doesn't want to do x is talked round. NOT coerced. But, it could be they have a misconception that needs addressing.

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