Telecaster68 Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 I'm not sure it is possible to think yourself out of wanting sex/intimacy/relationships of some sort. Even the hardcore aromantics want friendships. And plenty of sexuals are okay with not having sex because they don't want a relationship. They'd prefer to have sex, but not at the price of a relationship they don't want. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 Our psychology models aren't all that perfect, but I don't think very many are of the conviction that you can just "think yourself out of it". Two important keywords in this context are resublimation and repression. Both assume that the initial impulse remains constant, and the best you can hope for is to redirect or ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
joeymac Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 This may be practically useless on any given day, but it may have some intrisic value , so here I go... I honestly assume always that NO means NO , and YES means yes , until I hear NO , or stop , or not that, or "I'm not into it" - all of which means NO. From teenage experimentation to a loving consenual relationship. I'm not at loss for the sexual boundries imposed by one invoking the label Asexual. They mean NO , period. Until I hear otherwise, I suppose. Not a problem I'll ever have. So the 'coping' is at the expense of the sexual. Another period. It's not about fair , unfair , or reasonable compromise. Sexual activity is engaged in as a compromise at great peril to the participants mental well being. I don't recommend it. That said ; people change their minds in regard to sexuality, I read the word "fluid" once (good stuff), and they have every right to . Partners have the right to enable, appreciate and enhance these decisions within the new boundries. It just seems very unlikely given the very nature of the label , Asexual , that someone using that label themselves will be very, if at all , "fluid" in their sexuality. I'm going to make sure my sons understand the boundries of said label tonight. You know the one they hate ? If she's had too many drinks to drive , she's had too many to consent! And Tarfeather is not an asshole. He's a guy in love! Some folks cant tell the difference, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 This is my plan as a sexual with an asexual wife, who is ok with occasional sex. I want to think of it, as a loving massage. Sometimes we will do it all, and sometimes she will just help me 'to get the work done!' Im hoping for once every fourteen days! If she needed a scratch or a massage or a coffeeshot, i'd give it to her, 'cause I love her! Will i be happy about it and will i be unhappy about her not desiring me ever? Well, i'll be miserable without her company! Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I honestly assume always that NO means NO , and YES means yes , until I hear NO , or stop , or not that, or "I'm not into it" - all of which means NO. From teenage experimentation to a loving consenual relationship. I'm not at loss for the sexual boundries imposed by one invoking the label Asexual. They mean NO , period. Until I hear otherwise, I suppose. Not a problem I'll ever have. God, I'm going to get so much hate for this again: Not all consent needs to be explicitly given. In a loving and trusting relationship, unless your partner indicated otherwise, it's okay to try and initiate something physically, and see how your partner reacts. And Tarfeather is not an asshole. He's a guy in love! Some folks cant tell the difference, that's all. As I said, I wasn't even talking about myself in this case, as I no longer feel any resentment toward my partner regarding the lack of sex. However, this sentence ironically applied to another controversy I got involved in recently as well, so thanks for your vote of confidence. I think it's way too easy to judge someone as "asshole" etc. when you haven't been in that kind of situation yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
AthenaFay Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I'm not sure it is possible to think yourself out of wanting sex/intimacy/relationships of some sort. I agree with this for myself. I think for me personally it would have taken a lot of psychological overhaul and probably a lot of self-....deluding? like, real mental somersaults over a long period of time. And, I don't know how much attempting such a feat could damage me long-term. As in, let's say I managed to curtail my drive somehow, and then the relationship broke off, and then I started a relationship with someone who had something resembling my drive before I started trying to eradicate it for an ex partner? How would I react? Could I just go straight back to how I was before? Or would my efforts to rid myself of my drive have longer lasting effects which could negatively impact future relationships? Ultimately, trying to get rid of my drive wouldn't feel genuine or natural to me at all. It would feel like I was trying to fool myself out of my own self, so already there would be that underlying knowledge in the back of my consciousness all the time, probably haunting the shiz out of me. Plus, there is the matter of: would I ever actually want to try to think myself out of wanting sex? Some sexuals are way more well-fitted to do this (and actually want to try, for a start!) in their own mixed relationships, but regardless of how much I loved my asexual ex, that answer was for me was always no. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 It also implies asexuals can think themselves into being sexual, surely, and I can hear the flaming torches being lit and the angry mobs assembling just at the suggestion of such a thing.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 Yes, if this relationship ever were to end and I found another partner, I would require a lot of trust and patience in order to be able to have sex with them. Link to post Share on other sites
AthenaFay Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 It also implies asexuals can think themselves into being sexual, surely, and I can hear the flaming torches being lit and the angry mobs assembling just at the suggestion of such a thing.... Well, it depends on whether people see asexuality as a sexual orientation or not. Most asexuals here claim it is a valid orientation, so why would they want to change anything if they believe that not wanting sex is "innate"? Maybe the same reason a sexual would want to change their innate orientation - to maintain a mixed relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 That was my point. The same applies to sexuals. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I don't think becoming content without sex is the same as changing your sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
OutsideObserver Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 In my experience this is just a heteronormative conceptual limitation. Care to unpack that in a slightly less dismissive tone? Now, the good news is that this was not a law of physics, it was just a best practice guideline about how to organize a relationship to meet our needs related to sexuality, love, and intimacy. One can learn to slice and dice the "I need to be loved" into its atomic pieces and learn how to meet this need in a way that has nothing to do with putting a penis in a vagina. Putting a penis in a vagina is, emphatically, not a need. It's just a means to an end, not an end itself. I note for all your grandstanding and condescension, you don't actually explain how you plan to slice up all your needs so that can have this perfectly happy relationship. You basically just said you are rad at organizing things, and will somehow organize yourself into loving involuntary celibacy. Color me unconvinced. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I don't think becoming content without sex is the same as changing your sexual orientation. That's not what Athena said though. She used the 'innate' word. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.