coping?

[jentay82]

Any advice on how to cope with someone who isn't interested in sex? When you love them and want them immensely. And how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?

#sad

[Pandilla]

just accept them for who they are, dont pressure them into doing things they dont like and be sure to talk to them openly about things... honestly I dont know how I would truly cope with it because while I do have feelings for someone whose asexual, the thought of sleeping with them in a sexual way does not cross my mind (I dont want to think about those thoughts about them because its demeaning to... I tend to only think about wanting to hold them in my arms sometimes when im sad or very lonely... )

if your obsessed with wanting to sleep with the chick then im sorry, not much you can do except accept the fact it will never happen and move on...

[Guest]

In regards to your question, I'd say that is something to talk to your partner about (if they are your partner? not sure...) I know of romantic relationships between asexuals and sexuals where the ace would allow some sexual things to happen or for the ace to have an additional sexual partner. It can work out, but the best way to figure out how to "cope" with an asexual partner is to discuss it with them.

[AthenaFay]

Perhaps if you took the least amount of sex you'd be comfortable with, and your asexual partner could take the most amount of sex they'd be comfortable with, you could reach some sort of compromise in that margin. But if they're just outright not interested in sex at all, I truly advise you to proceed with caution if you're someone who is very sexual.

In my experience (and emphasis on my experience; other sexuals with asexuals here will tell otherwise in theirs), there is no way of coping. Not sanely, anyway. You can try to force yourself to not be so sexual, but let's be honest, that isn't any more effective, (or healthy) than an asexual forcing themselves to be sexual for the sake of the relationship. And it's really just another way of saying, "Try to be less of who you are, for the sake of making yourself more compatible with someone you're incompatible with", which, in any other situation, would be considered an absolutely dreadful idea.

"And how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?"

This is the mindset I also had in my mixed relationship, and it drove me to despair. I must change; they must not. It might be my religious upbringing, but I almost felt like a sinner who must repent for her impure desires. I must be pure. Or, at the worst and most fucked-up of my times: I must become worthy of my pure asexual Angel darling. Maybe, if I become better, they might even desire me. I fully realize how little sense that latter one actually makes, but such was the degree of conflict in me in trying to fight my urges in the face of intense desire for this man, it birthed all sorts of backwardness in me. In feeling "too much", "too passionate", "too sexual", it can make you feel damaged or wrong in the context of your relationship, and also damaging in the context of feeling as though you're pushing your love into acts they don't want to do. It can also make the asexual partner feel "too little", "not enough", "insufficient", so there could end up being self-worth issues on both sides.

I never really was on the side of such intense self-alteration or rather self-suppression in favor of retaining a relationship. I don't think it's fair, either way. I don't think either should change outside of what they're comfortable with or what feels natural to them, for the purpose of forcing a relationship between two people with such deep fundamental incompatibilities.

I'm still suffering the negative effects of having been trying to keep a relationship going between myself and my ex asexual partner. Still. And it's been over a year now since we broke up. I am clingy, needy, insecure, and paranoid. I have issues trusting that my current partner truly desires me, even though his sex drive is as intense as mine. There are mixed couples here who will tell you completely different stories to mine, and will give you better advice than me on how to actually make it work. Mine is more a word of caution that it can't always work, and if you're feeling your sanity sort of slip away in the process, then I'd want to tell you that it's better to move on and find someone with whom you can enjoy a compatible sex life with.

[Telecaster68]

Perhaps if you took the least amount of sex you'd be comfortable with, and your asexual partner could take the most amount of sex they'd be comfortable with, you could reach some sort of compromise in that margin.

In practical terms, that's the only route for compromise. And even then, however much you both want to compromise, it might just not be sustainable in the longer term. You might not be able to have that little sex, she might not be able to have that much.

And the thing there can't be any compromise on will be that you won't ever, ever, be desired in the way that a sexual person will desire you. Asexual people just don't work like that. It's just not possibly to compromise on. It would be like one partner saying 'thing is, I live underwater so you'll have to compromise and grow gills'. No amount of love or determination is going change either one of you that much. For me, it's that absence that causes the insecurities Athena mentions, more than the lack or infrequency of actual sex acts.

Again, you might be able to live with that. A couple of 'mixed' relationships on here seem function okay on that basis, and that's what I'm trying to make work at the moment. It seems to me like choosing decaff over caffeinated coffee - apparently the same, and with a lot of the same qualities, but missing that zip. And you can only find out if you're okay with that by trying it.

how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?

It does feel like we (sexuals) are the ones being made to do all the bending - 'no' means no (as it certainly should do), and that means we don't get to exercise any choice beyond staying or going. I can see why asexuals as a community cleave to this line since it's perfectly valid and they can feel pushed into a general culture of having to compromise over sex.

I think (from posts on here, mostly) that between specific couples, it can be different. Both sides do compromise, especially in longer term relationships where one partner's asexuality only comes to light after a while. How well that works is down to the individuals involved though.

[Tarfeather]

I've made a thread with a rather long explanation of why I don't think that only the sexual should bend. As for sex, though, it's impractical for someone who simply doesn't want sex to "bend". You can bank on the chance that they might be more okay with it somewhere down the line, but you can't expect them to do something they inherently don't want to do.

[Guest]

how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?

It does feel like we (sexuals) are the ones being made to do all the bending - 'no' means no (as it certainly should do), and that means we don't get to exercise any choice beyond staying or going. I can see why asexuals as a community cleave to this line since it's perfectly valid and they can feel pushed into a general culture of having to compromise over sex.

I think (from posts on here, mostly) that between specific couples, it can be different. Both sides do compromise, especially in longer term relationships where one partner's asexuality only comes to light after a while. How well that works is down to the individuals involved though.

Personally, I see the "meant to bend" as a flawed concept to begin with. In any relationship, both sides choose what they are OK with and what they are not. Some bend in some ways and not others. Sexual incompatibility is just another place where, some might be OK bending (on either side) while others will not. No one has to, if it isn't something that they are actually OK with.

And, in the end, both sides have the same choice to make - is this relationship giving me enough to make me happy, or is it better to leave? As the asexual in an ex-mixed relationship, I can tell you I feel like being with a sexual makes me push my own sexuality down or feel guilty "broken" and "wrong" for it. And I had the same choice many sexuals face - can I take him as he is, or should I leave? In the end, I left (and, my ex is trying to get me to go back, but not sure if I want to...). And I feel oh so much better not having to be constantly stressed out over not being able to meet a partner's needs. Sure, I miss some things, but it's like I can actually breathe and I don't have to 24/7 have that worry on my mind. He used to comment on how little I smiled or laughed, saying I had two faces - angry and neutral. But, ya know what, that was just me in a relationship that was that stressful. That was me feeling guilty for feeling as I do towards sex and other things we weren't compatible in. For not getting my emotional/physical needs met. Not who I really am. Sexuals are feeling all that and an extra sexual frustration, so I would imagine it's pretty bad.

So... my advice to anyone that feels like they are truly unhappy and truly not being themselves to be with their partner - asexual or sexual - sure, try to make it work. Do the compromise ideas, talk, go through the list of what you each are OK with and not. See an (ace friendly) sex therapist if that might help. But, look at it realistically if all that fails. If an incompatibility that cannot be changed (one desires something the other does not) makes you miserable, is that relationship really improving your life?

[AthenaFay]

Perhaps if you took the least amount of sex you'd be comfortable with, and your asexual partner could take the most amount of sex they'd be comfortable with, you could reach some sort of compromise in that margin.

In practical terms, that's the only route for compromise. And even then, however much you both want to compromise, it might just not be sustainable in the longer term. You might not be able to have that little sex, she might not be able to have that much.

And the thing there can't be any compromise on will be that you won't ever, ever, be desired in the way that a sexual person will desire you. Asexual people just don't work like that. It's just not possibly to compromise on. It would be like one partner saying 'thing is, I live underwater so you'll have to compromise and grow gills'. No amount of love or determination is going change either one of you that much. For me, it's that absence that causes the insecurities Athena mentions, more than the lack or infrequency of actual sex acts.

Again, you might be able to live with that. A couple of 'mixed' relationships on here seem function okay on that basis, and that's what I'm trying to make work at the moment. It seems to me like choosing decaff over caffeinated coffee - apparently the same, and with a lot of the same qualities, but missing that zip. And you can only find out if you're okay with that by trying it.

You're absolutely right; perfectly put.

[AthenaFay]

And I feel oh so much better not having to be constantly stressed out over not being able to meet a partner's needs. Sure, I miss some things, but it's like I can actually breathe and I don't have to 24/7 have that worry on my mind.

Ahh that really reminds me of something my ex asexual partner said to me about how he felt during our relationship - how, especially when we both went to bed together, he'd be feeling this intense pressure just simply laying next to me, even without me initiating anything. Sometimes I could just kiss him and cuddle up next to him in bed, and he later (after he came out) confessed to feeling horribly tense and uncomfortable because he felt he was expected to do sexual things. I am sure he felt like he could actually breathe once we parted. I'm so glad though that he and I are still best friends, and we still even speak about asexuality. - I think there's a lot he wants to air after so long with me, lol.

[Autumn Season]

@ Serran: Didn't your ex say he needed more and different sex in order to stay with you? How does he suddenly want you back? Of course you don't have to answer this if you are not comfortable doing so.

[tkadlubo]

You keep calm and find creative ways to make your needs met and to thrive. You stop playing the role of being in a relationship (since you already know the role failed to give you the happiness it promised to deliver) and start thinking from the first principles about why you are in a relationship and what you expect to gain from it. When you say "you want them immensely" what exactly does that mean? What do you want? What buttons in your mind would get pressed if you got what you wanted? How to press them without overstepping your partner's sexual boundaries?

[Guest]

@ Serran: Didn't your ex say he needed more and different sex in order to stay with you? How does he suddenly want you back? Of course you don't have to answer this if you are not comfortable doing so.

I answered you in Sexual Compromise & Support, so I don't hijack this thread. :)

[Telecaster68]

Serran

I agree completely with what you say, in terms of practical solutions, as far as there are any.

The bending thing is more about how the dynamics feel in relation to the general attitude on AVEN (which isn't wrong, it just seems that it's unavoidably skewed towards defaulting towards what asexuals want, and away from what sexuals want). On one level, it's very straightforward for asexuals to get what they want - they just say no, and it happens. It's a big change in a relationship, but it happens because they get to say it happens. The sexual partner has no say in that change. They're completely reliant on the asexual partner being willing to compromise.

The inversion that - the asexual partner having no say in the situation, would mean sex was being forced on them, which is obviously wrong, and why I say the default is unavoidable. But it also unavoidably leaves sexual partners feeling they're left without any kind of agency short of leaving. They've been deprived of any ability to decide the nature of the compromise.

Of course real relationships don't pan out as all or or nothing and many asexuals feel guilt, anxiety, etc, and do compromise, (and your own example is one of the biggest compromises I've come across). My point is purely that the 'bending' idea is to do with who is actually able to make decisions about the nature of the compromise, and it's unavoidably, and rightly, the asexual, and that unavoidably leaves the sexuals feeling they have the amount of bend needed to make a relationship work imposed on them. Short of leaving, we're reliant on the good grace and willingness of the asexual.

[Sally]

Short of leaving, we're reliant on the good grace and willingness of the asexual] [to accept sexual activity].

Short of leaving, asexuals are reliant on the good grace and willingness of the sexual [to accept no or little sexual activity].

Just what is so different about those two situations?

[Telecaster68]

The difference is that one is rape, and almost no sexuals would do that. You're surely not going to say 'well that's their choice' are you?

[jentay82]

Thanks guys. This was really helpful. There are many parts of my relationship that are very fulfilling. And I need to focus on that. And be patient. My romantic asexual partner is very loving and is sometimes sexual. Sunday, I cried about it to her... Tears over my frustration (it's been nearly a month)... and she listened and apologized and said "I'm not ready to go that often, but I'm ready to go more with you". I need to take solace in that. And I feel lucky that my beautiful, fun, outgoing girlfriend, chooses me. When she and I make love, it a gift. And she is definitely teaching me a more pure way of love.

[SoyCaptain]

"And how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?"

I do not want to 'bend' my ace partner because I don't want to coerce him into sex because that's called coercive rape. In any situation with two sexual people, where one does not want sex and the other does and nags at the first until they give in, that's seen as toxic/coercive/abusive. This should be the case with ace/sexual relationships too, no?

[Tarfeather]

In any situation with two sexual people, where one does not want sex and the other does and nags at the first until they give in, that's seen as toxic/coercive/abusive.

To be honest, I don't subscribe to that. As you see from my posts, I'm not in favour of nagging, because I don't think it's constructive in any way. But I think, the pain of the person who doesn't get their desires met, also counts. A person who tries to meet these desires isn't necessarily toxic/coercive/abusive. Sometimes they're simply hurting. And yes, I think this goes for sexual/sexual relationships with mismatched ideas about frequency as well.

[SoyCaptain]

*shrug* I knew going in that my partner is ace (which I think makes my experience a little different from a lot of others on this site). I do not expect or want him to do anything for me beyond what he actually enjoys. I've been in relationships where I felt pressured to do things I didn't actually enjoy because my partner wanted them (not verbal/purposeful pressure, but implied). I would not put that on a partner I cared about. I strongly suspect I wouldn't even enjoy sex that I knew he was only doing for me or out of a sense of obligation.

[Tarfeather]

I responded to your claim that it would be toxic/coercive/abusive, which I don't think is necessarily the case. Whether you would personally behave that way toward your own partner is a different matter, and entirely your decision. Not everyone is perfect and does the morally ideal, selfless thing all the time, however there is a difference between that and being abusive.

[jentay82]

And I never coerce. I never even initiate. And often, that is brought up during arguments. But, simply put, I don't wanna ask for it. I want her to want me. And upon the realization that this was the issue, I understand better now. And I'm learning. And I'm trying to cope... We do love and care for one another. It won't always be easy... It's really difficult, in fact... but, she's worth it.

Again. I'm so glad I found this place. Reading all of these stories makes me feel less alone.

[Tarfeather]

She might not be able to "want you". Are you sure if never initiating means nothing will happen, that's what you want?

[nanogretchen4]

If she's asexual, she will never want sex. If she's gray, she may want sex ridiculously infrequently but it's not something you can depend on. Either way I think things may work out better if you can learn to live with willingness to have sex rather than holding out for actual sexual desire.

If she actually wants sex once a month it sounds like she's sexual but has a much lower libido than you. In that case, are you sure she's comfortable initiating? If she only experiences responsive sexual desire she may need you to initiate before she can tell if she's in the mood or not. Or, you may be setting the bar for physical passion too high based on your own libido and she's intimidated by your expectations. Maybe she feels uncomfortable initiating even when she would actually like sex because she doesn't want it "enough". If she's okay with this it might help if you could sometimes receive without reciprocating.

[Guest]

And I never coerce. I never even initiate. And often, that is brought up during arguments. But, simply put, I don't wanna ask for it. I want her to want me. And upon the realization that this was the issue, I understand better now. And I'm learning. And I'm trying to cope... We do love and care for one another. It won't always be easy... It's really difficult, in fact... but, she's worth it.

Again. I'm so glad I found this place. Reading all of these stories makes me feel less alone.

If she is asexual, she's simply not going to "want you" in that way. In every other way, sure. But, not in the sexual passion desire way you are wanting. Personally, sex is something I have to remind myself about or I won't think about it. And it's tiring trying to keep a calendar so I know when the last time I had sex with someone is, when they want sex, so I know if it's been too long since I last thought about it. It's less stressful for people to ask (though, only ask sometimes, asking all the time or not taking a no is not good) for me. It's just not natural for me to think about sex.

If she's grey, she might want you some times and not others. If she's sexual with a low libido, she may want you, just not at the frequency you desire.

If you just want sex more often, that is possible to compromise around. If you want someones desires to change, that one is simply not possible, whatever her orientation.

[tkadlubo]

In my experience (and emphasis on my experience; other sexuals with asexuals here will tell otherwise in theirs), there is no way of coping. Not sanely, anyway. You can try to force yourself to not be so sexual, but let's be honest, that isn't (...) effective, (or healthy) (...).

But it also unavoidably leaves sexual partners feeling they're left without any kind of agency short of leaving. They've been deprived of any ability to decide the nature of the compromise.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Vlt-lpVOY

In my experience this is just a heteronormative conceptual limitation. My wife came out as asexual back in 2014. Since then I've found many new ways to express my sexuality and to share intimate connection with my wife, and generally be more awesome at life. I don't experience much helplessness or desperation. My wife also reports increased satisfaction with our marriage since she stopped playing the role of a straight heteronormative wife.

But I think, the pain of the person who doesn't get their desires met, also counts. A person who tries to meet these desires isn't necessarily toxic/coercive/abusive. Sometimes they're simply hurting. And yes, I think this goes for sexual/sexual relationships with mismatched ideas about frequency as well.

I am sorry to hear that you're hurting, but that is not an excuse to act like an asshole and overstep someone's boundaries. Relationships aren't meant to be hurting and if you find yourself hurting a lot repeatedly in a relationship it's a sign that you probably should end it and look to meet your needs elsewhere.

"And how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?"

This is the mindset I also had in my mixed relationship, and it drove me to despair. I must change; they must not. It might be my religious upbringing, but I almost felt like a sinner who must repent for her impure desires. I must be pure. Or, at the worst and most fucked-up of my times: I must become worthy of my pure asexual Angel darling. Maybe, if I become better, they might even desire me.

That's why I would never date a religious person. In a regular sexual/asexual relationship you just acknowledge the incompatibility and experiment with making sure that all the parties are happy. With a religious person the religion implants so much shame and guilt around sexuality that it gets impossible to discuss the incompatibility - it's too shameful for them to admit what they need to be happy. It's either the religious script for a relationship works for you out of the box without any discussion or negotiation - or it doesn't, and in the latter case they're helpless and (metaphorically) screwed.

[Telecaster68]

In my experience this is just a heteronormative conceptual limitation.

Care to unpack that in a slightly less dismissive tone?

[tkadlubo]

In my experience this is just a heteronormative conceptual limitation.

Care to unpack that in a slightly less dismissive tone?

I'll do my best.

People have needs. Users on this subforum often report that they need to feel wanted or loved or desired or desirable or attractive etc.etc. The psychologists have their whole classification schemes for classifying and categorizing human needs. The most famous of those is the Maslow's hierarchy of needs https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

Society knows certain best practices about how to go around meeting your needs. In my circle pasta is a popular food. I've had some tasty pasta with salmon for lunch today. Pasta is awesome and quite reliably works at solving the problem of hunger. You don't need to study biochemistry of nutrition, you just accept the societal norm of eating pasta. When you need food you can have pasta - and by analogy when you need love you can get married. Marriage is the best practice about how to go around meeting your needs related to sexuality and love and intimacy.

My niece suffers from the celiac disease. It means that her body has a really bad reaction to gluten molecules. She can never have pasta because it's made out of wheat and wheat has a lot of gluten. Her mother (my sister) had to really dig deep into the nutrition science to properly take care of her infant daughter who suffers from the celiac disease and who needs to be on a strict gluten-free diet. For some people the normal societal best practice of eating pasta just doesn't fucking work. It doesn't mean that my niece will die - you can live with the celiac disease, you just need to be more thoughtful about eating things.

By analogy for some people the normal societal best practice of getting married doesn't fucking work. I did all the right things, rode the relationship escalator http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=relationship+escalator for many years, met a girl, dated her, rented an apartment together, got married, conceived some children, all that jazz. And it generally worked out well, but the sexual aspect was a failure - both for my wife and for me. After some 15 years of this relationship my wife started to self-identify as asexual and we directly confronted the reality that our needs weren't being met by this setup. I needed way more sex, she needed to have no sex. The normal societal best practice of getting married didn't work out well in this case.

Now, the good news is that this was not a law of physics, it was just a best practice guideline about how to organize a relationship to meet our needs related to sexuality, love, and intimacy. One can learn to slice and dice the "I need to be loved" into its atomic pieces and learn how to meet this need in a way that has nothing to do with putting a penis in a vagina. Putting a penis in a vagina is, emphatically, not a need. It's just a means to an end, not an end itself.

The rest of this post will include a lot of imprecise hand-wawing. I don't have a full clarity on those thoughts, it's something I haven't finished fully processing.

I've been thinking a lot about developmental psychology recently. You get born knowing how to suck a nipple and nothing more, and then over the next decades you learn how to function in the society and how to deal with your shit. Professor Kegan https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Kegan from the Harvard University developed a theory to describe the stages of this development. Now, on a 3rd stage your social roles are the core of your identity. I am a loving father and husband, I am senior software engineer at my corporate job, etc.etc. On stage 4 your social roles stop being the core of your identity and start being objects you can manipulate in a bigger system of your life. Sure, I am a father of my children and that carries certain responsibilities, e.g. I read a book to my daughter when she goes to bed in the evening. I am a senior software engineer at a big corporation, and that means I sit and type and write software using the C# programming language. Those are real responsibilities, but they are not set in stone. I am free to change jobs (in fact I just did change projects at work last week). I can arrange for my mother to come over and take care of my kids as I go out to a business dinner in the evening. For any responsibility that is dear to my there exists a broad range of options about how to make sure that this responsibility is taken care of - and that includes my responsiblity to make sure that my needs related to sexuality, love, and intimacy are being met.

According to my best understanding it is impossible to have a mismatched sexual/asexual relationship at Kegan's stage 3 of moral development, in which we are limited to playing roles set up for us by the society at large. The emotional work I've been doing since my wife started to self-identify as asexual can be best understood as an effort for me to grow up and reach stage 4 of this model.

[Tarfeather]

But I think, the pain of the person who doesn't get their desires met, also counts. A person who tries to meet these desires isn't necessarily toxic/coercive/abusive. Sometimes they're simply hurting. And yes, I think this goes for sexual/sexual relationships with mismatched ideas about frequency as well.

I am sorry to hear that you're hurting, but that is not an excuse to act like an asshole and overstep someone's boundaries. Relationships aren't meant to be hurting and if you find yourself hurting a lot repeatedly in a relationship it's a sign that you probably should end it and look to meet your needs elsewhere.

I'm sick and tired of being accused of being an asshole by people on AVEN who don't know shit about me. For starters, I wasn't even talking about myself. I don't know why you'd think I'm hurting as a result of my relationship, either. Honestly, it just seems to me like you're trying to project your own bad experiences and insecurities onto me, like a lot of other people have done recently. Go away.

[AthenaFay]

In my experience (and emphasis on my experience; other sexuals with asexuals here will tell otherwise in theirs), there is no way of coping. Not sanely, anyway. You can try to force yourself to not be so sexual, but let's be honest, that isn't (...) effective, (or healthy) (...).

But it also unavoidably leaves sexual partners feeling they're left without any kind of agency short of leaving. They've been deprived of any ability to decide the nature of the compromise.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Vlt-lpVOY

In my experience this is just a heteronormative conceptual limitation. My wife came out as asexual back in 2014. Since then I've found many new ways to express my sexuality and to share intimate connection with my wife, and generally be more awesome at life. I don't experience much helplessness or desperation. My wife also reports increased satisfaction with our marriage since she stopped playing the role of a straight heteronormative wife.

But I think, the pain of the person who doesn't get their desires met, also counts. A person who tries to meet these desires isn't necessarily toxic/coercive/abusive. Sometimes they're simply hurting. And yes, I think this goes for sexual/sexual relationships with mismatched ideas about frequency as well.

I am sorry to hear that you're hurting, but that is not an excuse to act like an asshole and overstep someone's boundaries. Relationships aren't meant to be hurting and if you find yourself hurting a lot repeatedly in a relationship it's a sign that you probably should end it and look to meet your needs elsewhere.

"And how we can bend as sexual people, but they are not ment to be bent?"

This is the mindset I also had in my mixed relationship, and it drove me to despair. I must change; they must not. It might be my religious upbringing, but I almost felt like a sinner who must repent for her impure desires. I must be pure. Or, at the worst and most fucked-up of my times: I must become worthy of my pure asexual Angel darling. Maybe, if I become better, they might even desire me.

That's why I would never date a religious person. In a regular sexual/asexual relationship you just acknowledge the incompatibility and experiment with making sure that all the parties are happy. With a religious person the religion implants so much shame and guilt around sexuality that it gets impossible to discuss the incompatibility - it's too shameful for them to admit what they need to be happy. It's either the religious script for a relationship works for you out of the box without any discussion or negotiation - or it doesn't, and in the latter case they're helpless and (metaphorically) screwed.

The first thing I've seen / read from you was the YouTube link, and wow, what a truly underhand first impression you have provided of yourself; - I clicked it thinking it would be a link to something actually constructive or related at least to the topic, but no, it was a slight. Your accusation toward Tarfeather of being "an asshole" was absolutely repugnant, and you appear to be going out of your way to make a show of your total lack of tact and sensitivity in handling this topic with others, which is - for someone who proclaims such success in his mixed relationship - peculiar, to say the least. This is not a competition on who is handling the differences in their relationship better and who is failing, this is an extremely personal situation in which there will result in many differing experiences, feelings and outcomes. Your experience is not going to be the same as mine, or anyone else's here.

There is no "regular sexual/asexual relationship", regardless of the religions of the people involved, the same as there is no "regular" any other kind of relationship.

Each and every relationship is unique and different, and, as many a thread here will show you plainly, "just acknowledging the incompatibility" is not such a cut & dry thing. - If you're someone who wants sex, and you know you're not going to be getting any sex in your relationship, not everyone is happy to "just acknowledge it", and go from there into a future in which you know you aren't going to be happy in. Some people will find ways to be happy and fulfilled in their mixed relationships and make them work and some wont - it's just how it goes. Some people will want additional support and find it here. For me, I wasn't interested in experimenting in ways which would still result in my ultimately being a celibate person (as I didn't want to have sex with other people in my relationship), because it wouldn't have made me happy. That's just the way it is, you see, people have different priorities, different needs, different ways of dealing with situations like this. You have then gone off on an assumption-ridden tangent about "religious people", which you have also generously peppered with judgments that hint at some insufficiency on my part, which is absolutely false.

[Telecaster68]

One can learn to slice and dice the "I need to be loved" into its atomic pieces and learn how to meet this need in a way that has nothing to do with putting a penis in a vagina.

That seems to be the nub of your intellectualisation. To the extent that sex doesn't need to be PIV, it's right. And yes, some people can think themselves out of wanting sex and (apparently... I'm not entirely convinced) be perfectly happy like that. I don't mean asexuals btw - they obviously don't want sex to start with.

But most people need physical closeness - check out studies on touch-deprived Romanian orphans for example - and in a marriage-type relationship, the norm is that it means sex. It may not be a need in the same way as breathing or food, but it's way more than a societal construct. If you've managed to project-manage your way out of misery, great. But framing your efforts to get past feeling undesired as 'growing up' sounds like you're using an analytical approach that you're comfortable with to try to persuade yourself you're a lesser person for wanting sex.

I wouldn't normally deconstruct someone's approach like this, but you did put yourself out there as an example of good practice.