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hotchick123

asexual friendship

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hotchick123

i have formed a very close friendship with a man whom i now suspect might be asexual. our relationship has everything except for the sexual aspect. i am a very sexual woman and i find myself frequently frustrated. i do not want to betray my friend or lose my friendship, but i also have needs that demand attention. would an asexual man in a relationship with a sexual woman be angry if she went out had sex with someone else?

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Jesh

It honestly depends on the person. I know I would probably not be offended if my partner had sex with other people to get his needs met, but I also know that there are other people on this site who would have a problem with it.

Why not discuss it with him?

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eidolon

This is the arrangement that I have with my boyfriend right now, so it's certainly possible. As Jesh said, though, it really depends on him.

Ask what his feelings are on the matter and make it clear that you are willing to listen to his input. For more advice on creating an open relationship, cf. The Ethical Slut by Easton and Liszt.

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McBuh

The problem I would expect an asexual to have is that knowing the association a sexual has between caring for someone and having sex with them, having sex with someone else could be interpreted as caring for the other person more, or not caring for the asexual at all.

In any case, I would expect the asexual to be upset if she had sex with someone else behind his back.

However, even if he says it's ok, in your position I'd be worried that I weren't being completely honest with myself; a sexual relationship can turn into an exclusive emotional relationship and you might shut out your asexual boyfriend even if you have all intentions of being faithful to him.

EDIT: in other words, even if you discuss it with him and he says it's ok, that doesn't mean that it really is.

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whistler

I think it truly depends on open communication and lots of it. I have been with my SO off and on for 16 years. And your relationship sounds a lot like how ours was in the early days. He would sometimes refer to me as his GF, but mostly just his friend. He has told me to go elsewhere for sexual needs. That didn't work out for us. When I was younger I didn't understand what he meant and I ended up married for 6 years, having sex with one person and the emotional relationship with another. I'm really thick sometimes, I didn't realise he was asexual, thought he just wasn't interested in me. Now we've kind of hit our stride over the last year. We are calling it dating, I am not going to see others (my choice) and we put our energy into our emotional relationship. It has taken me a long time, but I realise I cannot seperate the sexual and the emotional relationship. In other words in my view (not his). Having sex with others is cheating, because I involve myself in that relationship emotionally also.

So yes, it can work. My SO is not interested in that and has told me to go elsewhere. He didn't mind when I did and I know he wouldn't in the future. I can't handle that though.

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inona
i have formed a very close friendship with a man whom i now suspect might be asexual. our relationship has everything except for the sexual aspect. i am a very sexual woman and i find myself frequently frustrated. i do not want to betray my friend or lose my friendship, but i also have needs that demand attention. would an asexual man in a relationship with a sexual woman be angry if she went out had sex with someone else?

For me, I could not separate out the emotional from the sexual like that. When I am in a relationship with a man, it's both emotional and sexual, or it doesn't happen.

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BunnyK.
For me, I could not separate out the emotional from the sexual like that. When I am in a relationship with a man, it's both emotional and sexual, or it doesn't happen.

I agree, I am the same way.

Well, that's not entirely true. I can have friends that I care about emotionally, and people that I have sex with without being in love with, but I don't feel like I have a fulfilling romantic relationship unless I have both an emotional and physical connection.

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thylacine

First, you don't know for sure if he is asexual, right?

Anyway... I dunno how to answer how an asexual man would feel, since I am an asexual woman... but, I have male friends that I have no sexual interest in, and they have sex with other women, and I so totally do not care -- I mean, it's like, have fun boys, who cares, yah know.

(The sad thing is that they get messed up with really stupid & spazzy chicks who drink & do drugs & stuff... and it's like, what does he see in her? I suppose though it's not my biz if they pick out their girlfriends at the local drug rehab... come to think of it, my female friends all date guys who do dope too? Am I the only sober person in town... ? Guess I got off the subject, huh?)

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Busrider

I'd ask him.

If he feels friendship for you it shouldn't matter how clumsy you start sorting that out.

Unluckily being asexual doesn't make people rational / liberal for sure.

I myself am happy when my friends are happy and could congratulate my XGF on having a few ONS at the other end of the world from the bottom of my heart.

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sonofzeal

One common sentiment on this site seems to be that many asexuals recognize that for most sexuals, sexual intimacy usually comes part-and-parcel with emotional intimacy, and while they wouldn't care about the sex itself, they'd be jealous of the emotional relationship with the other person. Another common sentiment is that the asexual might feel worse about their partner lying to them and hiding the affair, than about the affair itself.

Some asexuals are okay with the whole thing, though. You should talk it through with your guy first.

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inona

For me, I could not separate out the emotional from the sexual like that. When I am in a relationship with a man, it's both emotional and sexual, or it doesn't happen.

I agree, I am the same way.

Well, that's not entirely true. I can have friends that I care about emotionally, and people that I have sex with without being in love with, but I don't feel like I have a fulfilling romantic relationship unless I have both an emotional and physical connection.

It's my personal choice to have sex only with commitment. When I said, "When I am in a relationship with a man," I was talking about an emotional/sexual committed relationship. Like you, I have friends of both genders, but there's no sex or flirting going on there.

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DannyKitty
One common sentiment on this site seems to be that many asexuals recognize that for most sexuals, sexual intimacy usually comes part-and-parcel with emotional intimacy, and while they wouldn't care about the sex itself, they'd be jealous of the emotional relationship with the other person. Another common sentiment is that the asexual might feel worse about their partner lying to them and hiding the affair, than about the affair itself.
This is how I feel. I would be more jealous of the emotional connection, not really the sex itself.

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